[OregonLive]

At a school in Lakeland, Fla., Christopher Campbell had apparently had it with his slacking players. So he brought a knife. He cursed at the team, warning them: "Don't try me today." I'll assume they didn't, because no one got stabbed. But then this happened:

Campbell of Lakeland pointed the knife in a threatening manner several times at one of the players, 16-year-old Otis Buford, "poking him and tapping him on the chest and on the helmet with it while also verbally threatening him," deputies said in a news release.

He's been charged with a pair of misdemeanors, though the school's A.D. says there's more to the story than what's been reported. But when a coach is tapping one of his players on the chest with a knife, those would have to be some pretty damn mitigating circumstances.

Lakeland Assistant Coach Arrested For Having Knife At Practice [Tampa Tribune]

Evidently, several of the players on Toronto's Chaminade College football team didn't have someone like my Gramps to teach them valuable life lessons, as they find themselves in a bit of trouble because of a poopy prank where they put feces in a bag and placed it in a microwave.

Doug Yack, superintendent of education for the Toronto Catholic District School Board, confirmed to the Star on Friday "kids make mistakes, but this was bizarre behaviour."

Last Saturday, as the team was set to return home following a loss, the players put a bag with feces into a hotel microwave and turned it on.

Principal Mike Wallace confirmed those involved would pay the cost of the damages, but at the time he chose not to suspend the players or remove them from the team.

Well, it's a good thing the players weren't suspended, at least at this point. Can you imagine how much crap they would get from their teammates?

Further, this report is woefully short on information. What kind of poop was it? Human? Animal? Alien? (The truth is out there) If human, did the pooper have enough foresight to defecate right into the bag or did he make the crucial error of not doing so then had to place the turd in the bag manually? Did it explode? Did anyone call the shit "poop"? These are questions that need to be answered.

Nuked feces will cost high school footballers [Toronto Star]

Last Friday, senior Jake Steele kicked a 25-yard field goal with 7.4 seconds left to end one of the most pathetic stories in the history of sports. In your face, Woodrow Wilson! (I'm pretty sure he said it would never happen.) Trailing by one , the team marched down the field with 1:47 left in the game to pull off the miracle win (they're even ranked now), which is way better than the time the current senior class lost to Geneseo 3-0. Or the time later that same season, when they ran into them in the state playoffs and lost in double overtime. Those games were probably not as fun.

Nearly a century of losing to the same team Every. Single. Year. Incredible. Thankfully, after the game Steele was able to keep things in perspective.

"This is not only the best moment of my athletic career, this is the best moment of my life. I've never been happier than I am now. I don't think I ever will be happier than I am now."

Ah, high school.

Seniors enjoying win over Green Machine [La Salle News Tribune]
Illinois team ends 90-year losing streak [Rivals]

Streaking is serious business at St. Francis High School in Minnesota. It's emerged as an annual homecoming tradition, but to surprise authorities, students have struck twice earlier in the season. So come homecoming, police were ready. Would anyone be daring enough to taunt the bull a third time?

Obviously, yes. And he had the will of the student body on his side:

It was on the edge of being out of control," said Police Chief Jeff Harapat. "More than 500 kids surrounded the two officers, swearing, throwing pop bottles and tennis shoes. ... I guess they were upset that one of their fellow students was being arrested."

As if charging a 17-year-old with a sex crime isn't enough, Chief Harapat has also mastered the bizarre analogy:

At what level of a crime does that stop? For example, if you're at McDonald's and having a Happy Meal with your kids and some adult male gets kicked out because he isn't wearing a shirt. And he obviously isn't right in the head and he goes outside, pulls his pants down and pushes his butt up against the glass while you're eating. ... Now tell me what the difference is when we fill a stadium with parents, minor children, and some very small children and we have naked people running across the field," he said.

Or, say, exposing yourself in a Costco?

St. Francis Students Learn That Streaking Isn't Prank It Used To Be [Star Tribune]

The first one actually happened two weekends ago in Westland, Michigan, where John Glenn High (trailing by one after an earlier missed extra point) lined up for a final play, game-winning field goal against Canton Plymouth. Plymouth heroically blocked the kick and all its players ran to the sideline in celebration ... but the ball never passed the line of scrimmage, nobody covered it, and the refs never blew the whistle. So holder Tony Wilton picked up the ball and jogged uncontested into the endzone. Touchdown. John Glenn wins. Dang.

Then last weekend, Greenville High (the No. 6 team in Pennsylvania AA) had a fourth-and-goal at the 1, with four seconds left in tie game against Oil City. Instead of trying a chip shot field goal, they opted to run it ... and then fumbled the QB-RB pitch. Oil City picked it up and ran 96-yards for the game winner. That hurts.

I'm not sure if either of these tops the craziness from Vermont last month, but at least everyone in the whole world has the opportunity to watch these mistakes and decide for themselves who should feel the worst. (P.S. Thank you, Mom and Dad for never splurging for that video camera.)

Glenn beats Plymouth on 'miracle' finish [Observer]
HS Team Blocks FG in last Seconds...Loses Game [Bob's Blitz]
Team wins on 96-yard fumble return on final play [Rivals]

Consider this sign, via a Facebook group:

Jezebel's already circling the wagons. Readers over there have posted e-mail addresses for the Memorial football coach, the principal and the superintendent of Spring Branch Independent School District. (Choice comment: "The best (worst) part is the two horses high-fiving each other. Two dudes who high-five each other mid-threesome might as well be fucking each other in the ass.") A spokesman for the school district tells the Houston Press he's looking into the matter. And meanwhile, Memorial wound up beating Stratford, a game that in retrospect, the Houston Chronicle would've been wise to describe as a "rally," not a "come-from-behind victory."

UPDATE: A reader explains:

I graduated from memorial in '03. These shirts are basically a yearly tradition. So you could probably go back 20 years and find a shirt made each year by Memorial AND by stratford. They are all pretty funny, so if you can find them all it would be high comedy.

The Pornification of a High School Sports Rivalry [Feminist Law Professors, via SPORTSbyBROOKS]
Nothing Says "School Spirit" Like Performing Obscene Acts On A Cheerleader [Jezebel]
Memorial High: Staying Classy As Ever With The Stratford Rivalry [Houston Press]
I waited 3 HOURS outside tully to go to the SHS vs. MHS football game!!!! [Facebook]

These fine young men are the Eastside Catholic Crusaders of Sammamish, Wash. And this is their inspirational "Win Win Win," released this offseason. How inspirational? They're off to a 2-and-2 start this year.

I'm not sure if my favorite part of this video is #74 pretending to play the guitar, or the moment I realized that half the lyrics are about God. This is the gift that keeps on giving.

A high school football game ended tragically this weekend, when a potential game-winning field by Jericho Mount Mansfield in Vermont—that's the school, not the kicker's name—fell very short and into the arms of a waiting Otter Valley player. Otter Valley had just finished a remarkable comeback to take a 2-point lead with 16 seconds left and the missed desperation field goal as time expired seemed to seal the deal.

Except the Otter Valley player took the ball on the fly, ran out of the end zone with his arms raised in celebration, then spiked the ball on the ground. As the former Dallas Cowboy could tell you, the play was not yet dead. An alert Mount Mansfield player scooped up the ball and ran into the end zone. Touchdown. Game over.

Why the coach put two players back to receive the kick may never be known, but we won't name him or the player out or respect for their loved ones.

Alert play leads to bizarre ending in Vermont football game [Max Preps]
Move over Bartman [The Pigskin Doctors]
[Video via WCAX]

He's a senior now, the star running back at Southwest HS in San Antonio. But when he was a freshman, Tre'vion Johnson's grandmother died of a heart attack. He had lived with her since birth, even called her "Mom."

Johnson would be a ward of the state, if not for two of his coaches.

In stepped Southwest head football coach Matt Elliott, who welcomed Johnson into his home for about a year in what Elliott called a court-appointed situation. Later, [running backs coach Louis] James brought in Johnson as a foster child.

"He'll always have a home," James said.

With a little stability in his life, Johnson has blossomed. In the season opener he rushed for 266 yards and three touchdowns, and has a decent shot at playing D1 ball next year. Amazing what good coaching can do.

Southwest's Johnson Overcomes Tough Upbringing To Star At RB [San Antonio Express-News]

Lloyd Engen is the sports editor of The Valley Courier, a small paper in Southern Colorado. Small enough for Engen to have been doing double duty taking photographs during a game this weekend, when a running back and two tacklers bowled him over.

With Engen, er, sidelined, The Valley Courier is asking for help. Not with what you might imagine. From the AP story:

Engen sustained a shattered pelvis and three cracked vertebrae. He was taken to a Denver hospital for treatment Sunday. Engen told the newspaper that it is unclear whether he'll be able to walk again. The Valley Courier is asking area high school coaches to contribute scores and highlights while Engen is recovering.

That juxtaposition of possible paralysis and the newspaper's concern for its coverage is just cold. Longtime local sports fixture may never walk again? Forget about his health, we need to make sure no game in the San Luis Valley goes unreported!

Newspaper Sports Editor Hurt At Game [AP]

I shouldn't have to tell you, but this little bait-and-switch-and-salvation went down in Kentucky. The coach at Breckenridge County High School piled his charges onto the school bus, and took them down to his church, where half were baptized.

Nobody should push their faith on anybody else," said Ammons, whose son, Robert Coffey, said Coach Scott Mooney told him and other players that the Aug. 26 outing would include only a motivational speaker and a free steak dinner.

"He said it would bring the team together," Robert, a sophomore, said in an interview.

Lest you think Mooney was on his own with this one, consider that the district superintendent attended the services, and is behind him 100 percent:

But Superintendent Janet Meeks, who is a member of the church and witnessed the baptisms, said she thinks the trip was proper because attendance was not required, and another coach paid for the gas.

Meeks said parents weren't given permission slips to sign but knew the event would include a church service, if not specifically a baptism. She said eight or nine players came forward and were baptized.

"None of the players were rewarded for going and none were punished for not going," Meeks said.

Sure, if you don't consider eternal life a reward.

Mother Mad Coach Took Players To Church; School District Says Trip Was Voluntary [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Don't scurry away from your computers just yet. I'm sure most of the young bucks in this photo are over 18 or possibly even older than that. I mean, you can see pubic hair on some of them. They could be 30-year-old men dressed as naked teenage high school football players with helmets positioned over their crotches. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I'm sure my boss is happy, though.

And we're off.

Good evening, late night viewers. Grab your adderall and spend the next few hours vampiring with me. It'll be fun. Promise.

And, now, I'm playing another song because I can't believe Dash actually went with Elton John before this. Those Michigan people must have really rattled him.

I mean, this kid is right up there with Curt Schilling, Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, David Wright, the Pantless Purdue Brigade, and all the other American legends who have thrown themselves in front of fastballs and bikini models so that the rest of us could have a better life. They don't do it for the glory people. Kaleb Eulls did it because he didn't want to see his little sister and all his friends get shot. But I'm sure the other guys had their reasons too.

Kaleb's going to play at Mississippi State next year and that is its own sort of reward, I guess. It's not something cool like free Pirates tickets or anything, but I'm sure it will have its moments.

Eulls saves 22 lives from armed student [Rivals]
Yazoo athlete wrests gun from girl on bus [The Clarion-Ledger]

* * * * *

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. Sorry, I didn't get to all your hate mail today, but I promise you I read every one and they are all special to me. Idiot Barking Dog will be back around 9:00 ET with the semifinals of "America's Sexiest High School Football Photos."

Lincoln High School head coach Keith Howard (pictured) complained of chest pains during halftime of his team's opener at Etowah High in Attalla. He was rushed to the hospital where he died of a heart attack. His team won the game easily, even though fans began to learn about his death during the fourth quarter. (A moment that becomes an odd footnote in this game recap.)

Meanwhile, two hundred miles away in Dothan, Alabama, referee James Parrish collapsed early in the game he was covering and also died at a local hospital. So I guess high school football isn't the most important thing in the world. Funny how that works out.

Lincoln coach stricken at game, dies [Birmingham News]
Coach's death overshadows Lincoln win [Gadsden Times]
Don't forget what high school football coaches do and who they are [Anderson Independent-Mail]
Tragedy on the gridiron: Lincoln Head Coach Keith Howard dies at season opener [Daily Home]