Deadspin: jake long

Dolphins Take Jake Long First Overall

mike tanier — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 15:00:32 EDT

Greetings, fellow podium gazers! It's great to be spending Saturday afternoon with you and not my family. And what better way to kick things off but with some four day old news!

When we last saw Bill Parcells, he was sitting in the owner's box watching the Dolphins' final game, looking like a late-era, lead-poisoning-and-incest Roman Emperor who just learned that his Coliseum lions had been replaced with Syrian hamsters. Parcells spent the off-season stealing everything but the Venetian blinds curtains from the Cowboys front office (he even swiped a linebacker and tight end this morning), but he hasn't done much to improve the roster except walk around the practice facility and glower at guys while they lift. Yes, the Tuna is an advocate of Management by Walking Around and Motivation by Glowering. Both methods work. As I write this, Christmas Ape is circling my desk and shooting ion cannons through me with his eyes. Man, am I motivated.

Parcells likes players who are tough and disciplined, unlike those other GMs who prefer mincing scatterbrains. Naturally, Parcells was drawn to Long. You want tough? Long only allowed one sack in his last three seasons, and that was to Vernon Gholston, who you'll be reading about soon. You want disciplined? Long only jumped offsides once in his whole college career. Most young linemen jump offsides twice before breakfast. True story: every time Alex Barron false starts, an angel gets his wings.

Long comes from a long line of great Michigan tackles. Like Jan Jasnen, he's a solid pass protector and exceptional run blocker. Like Jumbo Elliot (an ex-Parcells guy), he's huge, dedicated, and focused. Like Jon Runyan, he's willing to bring a rail gun onto the field and decapitate the opposing defensive line when the ref's back is turned (in the scouting biz, that's called a "mean streak"). The only question is whether he's quick enough to play left tackle in the pros. Jansen and Runyan weren't, but even if Long must switch sides, the Dolphins can live with a right tackle who starts for a decade.

With Long in the fold, the Dolphins line will get good in a hurry. Their line finished near the middle of the pack (20th) in Adjusted Sack Rate last season, even though the Dolphins were playing out-of-work mortgage consultants at quarterback.

Wow, over 300 words and not a single American Dragon reference. That bodes well for the rest of the afternoon.

Your Weekend Of Name Recitation And Breathless Speculation Hath Arrived!

Christmas Ape — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 12:15:14 EDT

Yes, ESPN's draft coverage is underway, four hours before the Dolphins shock the world by picking Jake Long. Now they're saying Chris Long is going to the Rams. Let's tip all the picks hours in advance. No reason to make it so people actually watch the draft. For those who stick around, choose between your drinking game with The Internet Is For Zorn and Bleacher Report. The latter recommends Chad Johnson trade speculation for boozing, but I'm going with Jeremy Shockey and Jason Taylor.

A few quick hits as I prepare four posts about the Steelers' pick at 23:

Just in time, Dickipedia has added a Mel Kiper, Jr. entry. No doubt some of his curt comments to Todd McShay will flesh that out by the end of the day.
Already, Jake Long is making designs on his sizeable contract. And oooooohhhhhhweeeee, he's buying a Ford. Even though his daddy works for GMC. Least interesting rebellion ever. You work for Budweiser, dad? Well, here's Coors Light in your eye!
Marvel at the throbbing excitement that is the Cleveland Browns' war room. The Power and the Glory soundtrack makes an soporific scene enticing.
And, yes, Jets fans are bracing for the worst. And, failing that, bewbs!
(Pic credit to The700Level)

You're No Yngwie Malmsteen, Banana Hands

DAULERIO — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:30:38 EDT

Congratulations to Jake Long on agreeing to terms with the Miami Dolphins worth close to 950,158 Guitar Hero games. Don Chavez takes us back to a time when Mr. Long was just a serious-looking giant boy laying on the couch in a Michigan sweatshirt as big a picnic blanket playing GH with his buddy.

Don't you go Hollywood, Jake.

Jake Long Is The First Pick Of The Guitar Hero Draft [Don Chavez]

This Is What The Dolphins See In (S)Him

DAULERIO — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:35:00 EDT

These two festive ladies are not your regular Sugar Free Red Bull-guzzling party girls you'd find at Making Time. No, these big, strapping dollies are actually former Michigan offensive lineman. The one with the crutches is Adam Kraus. The one with the shaved belly and blue hair is potential number one draft pick Jake Long.

Now, those rumored sightings of Big Jake shoe shopping with Nathan Lane along Ocean Drive the last couple weeks make perfect sense. The Dolphins will do anything to get the player they covet.