University of Tokyo professor Masatoshi Ishikawa has created two robots, one pitcher and one batter. The pitch-bot throws 90% of its speedballs in the strike zone and is not subject to pitch count. The bat-bot hits 100% of those strikes, and never swings at anything in the dirt. So a batter who can't strike out vs. a pitcher who will never walk him should make for fast moving, but very entertaining games. Especially if the fielding robots play defense like David Ortiz.

Oh, it says here that the batter-bot can't go the opposite field, but that still makes him better than Jose Canseco.

Look out Ichiro and Daisuke Matsuzaka; Japanese professor creates baseball-playing robots [AP]

The posters are up in a subway stop near the ballpark in Chiba, which is preferable to the My Bloody Valentine 3D ad that they still haven't taken down at my stop.

Ah, yes. Carp. The deadliest catch.

Here our marine isn't so much defending the Earth as cowering in fear and using a small child as a human shield.

Baystars are meteors. Got it.

Look out! There's a tiger behind you!

We made it through the gallery without any tentacle rape. I'm proud of you, Japan.

Matsuzaka is still a beloved legend among the Lions faithful, but when he left his team was playing in a dilapidated rundown stadium known as the Seibu Dome. And when the Red Sox lavished an unexpectedly large windfall upon them, the Lions used it to renovate and upgrade the dome, turning the stadium into the class of the Japanese league. They installed the country's largest video scoreboard (165 feet across by 23 feet high), new fake turf for the field, a new outfield fence, upgraded players' lounges, more concessions, more seats, and they gave away free uniforms and gloves to children. Fancy! They even had a few million left over to buy some new, better players. (They won the 2008 Japan Series thanks to those acquisitions.)

But the crown jewels of the new and improved Seibu Dome are the luxurious state-of-the-art restrooms, with more space, shorter lines, and new stalls with floor-to-ceiling doors and electronically warmed toilet seats.

"In Japanese custom, it is very important, the toilets," Takahashi said during a recent tour of the stadium, which opened in 1979. "If you are comfortable in the toilets, then everything is comfortable."

Whereas the old facilities were dingy concrete latrines, state-of-the-art urinals line the men's rooms along with high-tech hand dryers built into the bright blue and white tile - the team colors. But the main attractions are the new toilets with TotTo's Warmlet seats in stalls with floor-to-ceiling doors.

Each stall in the women's bathrooms holds a Toto Washlet, a toilet and bidet in one unit. These $1,500 fixtures provide a luxurious experience for fans, who may spend their time in the restrooms contemplating the full extent of Matsuzaka's legacy with the Lions.

The team considers these thrones to be a loving tribute to their departed star and he must be quite touched. Boston may have won the World Series with Dice-K, but more than a few Sox Nation members would probably trade him and all of Fenway Park for a freshly washed arse.

Seibu Lions' Porcelain and Plastic Memorial to Matsuzaka [NY Times]
Japan: One, Two, Three Wipes You're Out At The Old Ballgame [The Awl]
Seibu Lions Replace Dice K With Toilets [Slow Breaker]

Our story so far: Japanese work crews pulled a statue of Colonel Sanders from an Osaka, Japan river on Tuesday, presumably breaking a 24-year-old curse that had prevented the Hanshin Tigers from winning a Japanese World Series. KFC, knowing a great marketing opportunity when it smells one, on Thursday offered to donate the statue to the star-crossed Chicago Cubs.

Not so fast, says People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals. Their claim is that there is probably no greater form of animal abuse than seizing a bird, lopping off its head and deep frying it in 11 tasty herbs and spices. KFC suppliers are also guilty of chicken torture, says PETA, although I think everyone can agree that their coleslaw is delicious. In a strongly-worded letter (PDF) — at which PETA excels — the Cubs are urged not to accept the masonry tribute to hot oily hens. Excerpt:

This is just the controversy Tom Ricketts would like to inherit, I'll bet. Bon apetite, Cubs' fans!

The Curse Of Colonel Sanders? [The PETA Files]

We told you Wednesday about the Curse of the Colonel, involving this statue of Kentucky Fried Chicken icon Harland Sanders, which was tossed into a river in Osaka, Japan, 24 years ago by deranged Hanshin Tigers fans. Workers dredged it up on Tuesday, and now it's being pressed into service to not only break the Tigers' 24-year-old Japanese World Series drought, but also that slightly longer Cubs' American one as well.

KFC is pulling out all the stops to promote this baby. An excerpt of their letter to the Cubs, as seen on NBCSports Chicago:

"Dear new owners of the 100-plus year championship drought. Seeing as your 'recent acquisition' is in the midst of the longest championship drought in U.S. professional sports history ... we – at Kentucky Fried Chicken – want to help.

"We are working desperately with our Japanese colleagues to bring the curse-breaking Colonel Sanders statue to your field by opening day. While we can't promise the statue will snap curses of billy goats, black cats or even a foul-ball-interfering fan, we figure it can't hurt."

The perfect recipe for curse-busting: The master of hot oily hens!

UPDATE: From Cubs' media relations director Peter Chase: Rick: I do not anticipate a comment from the Cubs on this story.

It does not pay to anger the Colonel. The curse continues.

Colonel Sanders Wants To Break Cubs' Curse [NBCSports Chicago]

This statue of Colonel Sanders was pulled from Osaka's Dotonbori River on Tuesday afternoon, 24 years after crazed Hanshin Tigers fans tossed it in during a celebration of their team winning the Japanese World Series in 1985. As the legend goes, Tigers fans jumped into the (filthy) river one by one in accordance to each fans' resemblance to a different Tigers' player. But when the roll call got to bearded American slugger Randy Bass — who won the Triple Crown that season — no bearded fan could be found. So the crowd stole the statue of Harland Sanders that stood in front of the Dotonbori Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet and tossed it over the railing of the Ebisu Bridge and into the river.

Hanshin, unfortunately, then also sank to the depths of mediocrity, not winning another pennant until 2003, and never winning another Series. Most blamed the Curse of the Colonel.

The upper body of the statue was discovered at around 4 p.m. about 200 meters away from where it plunged into the water in 1985. When the figure was being pulled up by the crane on a salvage barge, construction workers could be heard to say, "It looks like a corpse." However, when Tigers fans such as the riverside project foreman saw the statue, they exclaimed, "It's the Colonel!" Passersby also stopped in their tracks to take in the scene.

Subsequently the lower torso and one of the hands was discovered. The glasses and the other hand are still missing. Japanese officials are considering reassembling the statue and installing it in front of the Tigers' new stadium.

Bass, 54, now resides in his hometown of Lawton, Oklahoma, where he operates a cattle and wheat farm and is a member of the Oklahoma state senate.

Tigers Fans Hope Discovery Of Long-Lost Fast-Food Icon Will Lift 'Curse Of Colonel Sanders' [The Mainichi Daily News]
Randy Bass [Wikipedia]

"At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings," Kawamoto's coach was quoted as saying. "There was a danger he could get injured."

Yes. He's not sadistic. And the humiliation of being a high school pitcher who gave up 66 runs in two innings should wear off sometime in the next 30 years anyway.

Hey, whatever happened to that Most Extreme Elimination Challenge show on Spike TV anyway?

250 Pitch Count = Totally Cool. 500 Pitch Count = Probably Not Good. [FanIQ]