Since Pierre L'Enfant is no longer around to accurately convey the majesty of their ineptitude, this humble blog will attempt to do it with pretty pictures. It's more than what's needed, but less than they deserve and it will hopefully make Mets and Pirates fans feel a little bit better about themselves.

[Photo via. Special Thanks to Dan Steinberg and the rest of the Washington Post crew for their thankless coverage of this team.]

February 17: Sports Illustrated reports that Esmailyn Gonzalez—a highly-touted 19-year-old Washington Nationals prospect from the Dominican Republic—is actually 23-year-old Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, a not-quite-as good baseball player from the Dominican Republic who forged his identity. "Gonzalez" had received a $1.4 million signing bonus in 2006, nearly double his next closest offer.

February 26: The Nationals fire Jose Rijo, a "special assistant" to General Manager Jim Bowden. Since July 2008, Rijo, Bowden and others within the organization had been under investigation by Major League Baseball and the FBI for allegedly skimming money designated for prospect signing bonuses in Latin America. Rijo, a former Major League pitcher, also owns the Dominican baseball academy where "Esmailyn Gonzalez" was discovered, but denied any involvement or knowledge of the fraud. [Washington Post]

March 1: Just days after spring training begins and faced with the growing scandal over the team's operations in Latin America, GM Jim Bowden resigns. The team's record over his four-year tenure is 284-362.

March 2: The Nationals unveil the new "Screech," a modified version of their previous eagle mascot that is both less adorable and less bird-like.

March 16: The Nationals sign journeyman RP Julian Tavarez, who describes his decision to join the team thusly: "When you go to a club at 4 in the morning, and you're just waiting, waiting, a 600-pounder looks like J-Lo. And to me this is Jennifer Lopez right here. It's 4 in the morning. Too much to drink. So, Nationals: Jennifer Lopez to me." Tavarez is designated for assignment in July.

April 6: On Opening Day, The Nationals are beaten by Florida, 12-6. The team loses its first seven games and falls 5.5 games back after just one week of the season. They are never closer than five games behind the division leader the rest of the season. [Photo: AP]

April 18: Elijah Dukes is scratched from the starting lineup and fined $500 after he arrives five minutes late for pre-game stretching. Dukes was tardy because he was giving a speech to children at a Little League ceremony. The league solicits donations from parents and pays the fine on his behalf.

April 18: Several Nationals players take the field with the letter "O" missing from their uniforms.

May 15: Rookie P Jordan Zimmermann receives his first personalized bats after being called up to the majors three weeks earlier. His name is misspelled on the bats. On August 19, Zimmermann undergoes Tommy John surgery and will miss all of 2010. [Just A Nats Fan]

May 16: A mechanical failure with the mascot's "sausage cannon" causes exploding hot dogs to rain down upon fans during an in-game promotion. One traumatized onlooker says: "It's just funny to watch hot dog rolls explode and come down on people." [WaPo]

May 16: Also, this happened.

June 7: Off-duty District of Columbia Fire Chief Dennis Rubin attends an afternoon game at Nationals Park against the New York Mets. Rubin immediately suspends all pyrotechnics at the stadium after he is hit by "debris" during a fireworks display that accompanies the National Anthem. [Wash. City Paper]

June 10: After a two-and-a-half hour rain delay in the bottom of the ninth inning, the Nationals rally from two runs down to force extra innings. They lose, 4-2, in the twelfth with fewer than 100 fans still left in the ball park.

July 13: After finishing the first half of the season with 26-61 record, manager Manny Acta is fired. [Photo: AP]

August 2009: A congressional aide returning from a trip to Middle East is detained by Israeli airport security when his green Nationals cap is mistaken for "Hamas headgear."

August 2: The Nationals begin an 8-game winning streak—their longest of the season—with victories over Pittsburgh, Florida, and Arizona. At the end of the streak, the team is 22.5 games back. [Photo: AP]

August 18: Two months after the MLB Amateur Draft, the Nationals sign No. 1 overall pick SP Stephen Strasburg to a four-year, $15 million contract, including a record signing bonus of $7.5 million. (He does not pitch in the majors in 2009.) Some experts believe they got off easy. [Photo: AP]

September 4: The Nationals are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. [Photo: AP]

September 9: Interim manager Jim Riggleman is quoted as stating that baseball is "not a physically taxing sport." The Nationals are 24-33 under his watch. [Photo: AP]

Somewhere In Time, 2009: The Nationals thank their fans for their "patients" as they try to build a winning team. The End.

In a May 28 press release, the Boys from Bristol announced that Bowden—who previously worked for ESPN after getting fired by the Reds in 2003—would be in the booth for the NCAA baseball tournament. On Wednesday, Awful Announcing reported he'd be at the Ole Miss-Virginia Super Regional alongside Dan McLaughlin.

I called ESPN to make sure that this wasn't some different Jim Bowden, a guy who hadn't been suckered into paying $1.4 million for a prospect who lied about his age and who hadn't inspired a rival executive to say, "If they got all his enemies together, they'd have to rent Yankee Stadium." Yes, I was told, it really was the same Jim Bowden—was being the operative word.

Without announcing anything publicly, ESPN replaced Bowden with someone named Jay Walker. According to ESPN spokesman Paul Melvin, the un-hiring came after the network learned of a sit-down Bowden had with local D.C. sports guy Brett Haber. The Haber/Bowden interviews—a Frost/Nixon for fans of horrific baseball—saw the ex-GM confess that he'd likely never get another job in MLB and that he had never visited the Nats' baseball academy in the Dominican Republic. "[W]e talked with Jim and both he and ESPN agreed that the interview will result in a lot of attention on Jim and the surrounding story," Melvin said via e-mail. "That's not what we want. We want to keep the focus on the games." Melvin also emphasized that the network had never intended to hire Bowden on full-time—"it was always a short-term, one-off assignment."

Considering the extent of his alleged off-field transgressions and his proven inability to construct a baseball team, it's bizarre that ESPN would want to hire Bowden for any kind of assignment—maybe they just needed someone to keep Steve Phillips company. What's more bizarre is that he would be deemed unfit for the broadcast booth for the crime of being mildly candid on television. After all, he's said way stranger things on his Twitter feed ("Peavy for Poreda and Richard? The other 2 prospects better be top prospects or the Padres pre-ejaculated in this deal").

But let's not lose focus on the real issue here. Bowden's George O'Leary-at-Notre Dame-length tenure as a color man would never have happened if ESPN hadn't decided to broadcast all of college baseball's Super Regionals. With games at eight different sites, the world's announcing talent has been stretched to the breaking point. Among the non-Bowden talent that will be anchoring the Worldwide Leader's aluminum bat bonanza: Robin Ventura, Keith Moreland, Morgan Ensberg, and every other living human who played third base between 1984 and 2006. Kelly Gruber, call your office!

Jim Bowden Breaks His Silence [WUSA9.com]

I kid! The Washington Nationals GM denies allegations that he was involved in an operation to skim money from the bonuses given to Dominican baseball players—a charge that has already cost his assistant, Jose Rijo, his job. Still, Bowden says that it has become a "distraction" and since he can't really do his job effectively anymore—also true!—he will step aside.

"I've become a distraction, and unless you're [unsigned free agent] Manny Ramirez there's no place for distractions in baseball," he said. "I want to be able to turn the page, and I want this franchise to be able to have everybody from the media and the fans focus on what the game is about. It's about players. It's about what happens on the field."

"I am disappointed by the media reports regarding investigations into any of my professional activities," Bowden said in a statement released by the team. "There have been no charges made, and there has been no indication that parties have found any wrongdoing on my part."

Not sure why he took a shot at Manny Ramirez there, but okay. Maybe it's because if he had found a way to sign Manny, Bowden would still have a job.

Bowden Resigns as General Manager of Nationals [Washington Post]

Can you imagine a less inspiring sight as a Major League Baseball player than looking up, while stretching out a muscle that's going to inevitably snap by the end of the season, and seeing this schmuck peering down at you over the dash of a Segway? We do hope that someone tested Bowden's breath before getting on that thing.

There Are No Words [Nationals Enquirer]
The Dueling Bowden Mug Shots [Deadspin]

Well, Reds general manager Wayne Krivsky isn't happy. He claims that, before his infamous Austin Kearns trade last month, that Bowden hid details of reliever Gary Majewski's shoulder injury (he's now on the DL) and then didn't call him back when Krivsky asked him about it. Bowden says he never received a call and that he gave the Reds all the information they needed.

Krivsky, perhaps realizing he made a terrible trade and hoping he can spin it in a "they didn't tell me their guy was hurt!" type of way, is still mad.

"Hopefully, when people are dealing with us, they feel like we're being straight up," Krivsky said. "I want people to feel like they're being dealt with honestly. For me, Wayne Krivsky, credibility is paramount."

Careful, Krivsky: Any more referencing of one's self in the third person like that, Bowden's likely to get pissed off, get shitty drunk and run your ass over with a car. Just watch yourself, that's all we're saying.

Bowden Fires Back At Reds [Cincinnati Enquirer]

So how are the Nationals fans handling Bowden's non-move?

• Capitol Punishment: "Look at it as a reserve price auction. Let's say that you're selling an engagement ring because your fiancee hated your leather pants, and there was an ugly incident where she was beating and scratching you in front of a cop. When you're selling it on Ebay, you're probably going to set a reserve price. You don't want some schlub like Billy Beane coming in and paying $1.75 for a ring you just laid several thousand rubles for."

• Chris' Sports Blog: "I can't say this enough: Alfonso Soriano still being a National is mind-boggling. As I wrote earlier today, Bowden's ego got in the way of the team. He has to be fired at the end of the year and Stan Kasten needs to hire a general manager with the sense to build a team the right way; with young players. It won't put butts in the seat next year but grass doesn't grow right away either. It's a process. The only process Jim Bowden believes in is his own ability to turn water into wine."

• Ball Wonk: "Someone will overpay for Soriano's talent, and despite his nice-guy talk Fonzie doesn't seem likely to take a pay cut to stay with the Nationals ... you've gotta figure his minimum is going to be $15 per year on a long-term contract. $75 mil and five years is probably his opening bid, and since we're not a young second-place team looking to take over the division, even that's probably too rich for Washington's blood. Which leaves Nationals fans having to hope either that Fonzie suffers a late-season slump that lowers his price into the range we can afford or that the Yankees and other potential free-agent bidders suffer late-season collapses so that the first-round draft pick we get for losing Fonzie is a good one. "

And fans at District Of Baseball are taking a wait and see attitude. We just hope, as always, that Bowden didn't go out and "celebrate" his non-trade.

That's the mugshot photo of Bowden's wife girlfriend/fiancee, "actress" Joy Browning. It's not the most flattering picture, but it's not exactly in Tawny Kitaen country either.

As for Bowden, his arrest surprised few in the baseball community, though one source emphasizes that "he doesn't drink anymore than anybody else in baseball." His job security, we'd think, is rather flimsy.

Bowden's claims that no violence took place before the DUI seems somewhat shaky when you look at his own mugshot photo, which has scratches all around his lip (and is after the jump). Also after the jump, a photo of the Bowdens in happier times, at a charity auction. By "charity auction," we mean "when the Nationals signed Christian Guzman."

Bowden's Lawyer Says No Scuffle Took Place [Cincinnati Post]
Fear This [The Big Lead]

The couple was originally approached at 2:10 a.m. by an officer who saw them arguing, the report said, but they were let go without incident. However, just 12 minutes later, another officer stopped Bowden after he allegedly ran a stop sign.

Bowden refused to take a breathalyzer test, the report said, an action that, under Florida law, means his license will automatically be suspended in the state. Officers cited the smell of alcohol on Bowden's breath and wrote that he had "bloodshot eyes, glassy eyes, flush red face and slurred speech." He failed a field sobriety test. They also noticed he had scratches on his cheek and a cut on one ear, and approached Browning, who was seated in the car. An officer attempted to place Browning, 36, under arrest for domestic violence, and when she allegedly refused to get out of the car or put down her cellphone, she also was charged with resisting arrest.

That's right, folks: We're nearing Tawny Kitaen country. Even better, as Cardinals Diaspora points out, Browning is an "actress" as well, starring in, uh, a couple of "movies." So not only was Bowden all likkered up ... he was getting scratched up by his wife, too. Not a good time for Mr. Bowden these days.

Bowden Arrested For DUI [Washington Post]
Joy Browning Page [IMDB]

Bowden, of course, was unlikely to keep his job for much longer anyway after the new owners came in — even if they end up being the type of owners who like to grill and eat puppies — and cleaned house. This, along with the "lousy at his job" thing, pretty much assures that he's not long for the Nationals job. Which is a shame; we had been looking forward to more of his thoughts on geopolitics.

Nationals GM Bowden Is Charged With DUI [Washington Post]
Jim Bowden Must Go [Salon]
Potential Nationals Owner Wants To Kill And Eat This Puppy [Deadspin]