At least Connecticut Post writer Daniel Tepfer, who covered the testimony of the divorce trial, says what we're all thinking. We don't really need to know this stuff, but it is "like seeing a car crash — you just couldn't look away." At its heart, this story is the same old song about a couple that used to love each other, but doesn't really have anything in common anymore. Except this time, it's happening to your golfing buddy.

The only surprising revelation to come out of the trial is just how filthy rich Jim Nantz is. He makes $7 million a year from CBS and various endorsements. He owns a six-bedroom, six-bathroom house in Westport, Connecticut (even though they only have one kid), a ski house in Utah, and I'm guessing many leather-bound books, including the one that he wrote about his dad. The same book his wife did not give a crap about.

Nantz cried on the stand as he testified about how his wife used to follow him around the country to various sporting events, but gradually lost interest in his career. She could not even be bothered to go to New York City to watch him collect a "Man of the Year" award. Or let him hang the oil painting—of himself—that he received with the award in their house. (He had to put it in storage.) He was even offered the hosting slot on the CBS Early Show, but turned it down because she was against it. He admitted to taking a younger lover (eww), but that it didn't matter much because his marriage was already "dead." Apparently, the one thing he and his wife did have in common was his money, which she spent a lot of. (Including over $1 million in nine years at a local jewelry store.)

Oh, and if you don't feel guilty yet for eavesdropping on this whole affair, the final denouement should ruin your day.

The trial over, Lorrie Nantz stood in the lobby of the courthouse sobbing. Stepping from the elevator her husband saw her standing there alone and walked over and put his arms around her.

Together they stood, arms wrapped around each other, sobbing.

Geez. Hey, married folk. Go call your wife or husband right now, will ya?

Play-by-play gets tearful in sportscaster's divorce trial [Connecticut Post]

We do believe Nantz is probably the only broadcaster who could be paired with Billy Packer and not go a little crazy. We didn't know that Nantz was once the broadcaster for Brigham Young and the Utah Jazz, but, you know, it makes sense.

But you tell us: Do you like the Jim Nantz? Do you not like the Jim Nantz?

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Count me among those who think Augusta's kind of ruined its appeal by all but eliminating the possibility of birdies and eagles. It's like watching a football game in an arctic blizzard. It's fun to see every the players sliding around, the wind killing every pass or punt attempt, and no one staying on their feet for longer than 3 or 4 seconds, but eventually, you begin to remember that you like touchdowns. Yellow Chair Sports agrees.

But there's nothing Augusta can do to ruin the harmonious intonations of Jim Nantz. CBS's coverage begins right about now, so tune in because Jim Nantz goin' do it BIG... ALL DAY... AND ALL NIGHT. You have no idea what Jim Nantz means when he says that, but he goin' do it BIG. You don't know, but my boyz know — them Augusta boyz know — they know what Jim Nantz talkin' 'bout when he say he goin' do it big.

The Official Site of the Masters Tournament [Masters.org]

His two big highlights from the last few years:

• "It started in March, ended in April, and belonged to May." (When North Carolina won in 2005.)
• "UConn, you can." (When Connecticut won in 1999.)

So, what will he come up with this year? Our favorite suggestion from Complete Sports is "By 'Georgetown,' the Hoyas are the champions." He's absolutely using that if they win. Dork.

Predicting Jim Nantz's Play On Words [Complete Sports]

(UPDATE: Ack! Nantz is wearing our jacket! Though his is cleaner.)

At first, it seems like no human being has ever been more ideal for Augusta and Hootie Johnson than Nantz, who seems about as white-bread and WASPy as they come. To quote Straight Bangin', "Simply put, he is the blazer-clad apotheosis of the golf WASP. The big smile, the soft hair, the conservative sensibilities, the ersatz charm, the Pollyannaish morality, the bland sense of humor—he's got it all."

Straight Bangin' points out that in spite of this picture, Nantz is not Jewish (he married a Jewish woman), which is reassuring, because if Jim Nantz is Jewish, we don't know anything anymore. Nantz is kind of a blank man, which is probably what makes him the perfect CBS broadcaster; bland, inoffensive, empty, he takes on the character of whatever surrounds him. Though with company like Billy Packer and Hootie Johnson, that's pretty much just as bad.

Jim Nantz: Jewish Operative [Straight Bangin']
Jim Nantz's Transformation: More Than Meets the Chai [Straight Bangin']

You can do a lot with $25,000. You can provide food for starving Africans before Sally Struthers eats them first. You can buy 1,518 copies of Bill Simmons new book (not counting shipping, which is probably a bitch). You can even join 2,500,000 of those record clubs where you get 11 CDs for a penny.

You can also hire ESPN anchor Stuart Scott to come speak at your corporate function. The site HireSportsSpeakers.com allows you to bring your favorite ESPN personalities to come talk to you and your fellow corporate drones about leadership, teamwork or, you know, just how to read off a Teleprompter. The site serves as a broker between corporations and sports personalities, negotiating their fees and putting together their schedules.

One would think that paying Stuart Scott $25,000 plus "travel is almost always on top of the fees, usually something like first class for two, ground transportation and hotel" to do anything other than promise never to use the terms "pillow," "cool," "boo" or "yah" again would be somewhat excessive. But Scott isn t even the most expensive anchor on his own network. In fact, he s not even close.

Full list of top ESPN anchors/sports personalities and their speakers fees after the jump. Start saving those pennies for Tom Tolbert now!

The appearance fees for major "sports personalities."

$15,000 and below
Mitch Gaylord - $10,000
Greg Gumbel - $15,000
Ron Jaworski - $10,000
Tony Kornheiser - $15,000
Tom Tolbert - $15,000

For a guy who has a sitcom based on his life — albeit a pretty unwatchable one — we think that's a pretty good price. Well, relatively speaking. By the way ... Mitch Gaylord! Still alive, we guess. Good for him.

$20,000-$30,000
James Brown - $30,000
Rich Eisen - $25,000
Roy Firestone - $22,000
Marion Jones - $20,000
Jim Nantz - $25,000
Dan Patrick - $30,000
Rick Reilly - $25,000
Stuart Scott — $25,000

We don't know how much Dan Patrick made for his Hair Care For Men ads, or, for that matter, how much Rick Reilly got for encouraging his readers to become drunken idiots, but it couldn't have been too far from this amount. By the way, Reilly's amount is probably around the starting salary for entry-level print journalists in this country, if you were wondering what that collective "pounding-head-against-desk" sound was.

$40,000-$50,000
Mitch Albom - $40,000
Chris Berman - $50,000
Jim Rome - $40,000

You know, we wonder if Mitch Albom actually has to be there giving the speech to collect his cash, or if he can just say he was there.

$50,000 and above
Bob Costas - $60,500
Al Michaels - $75,000

For an extra 10 grand, Bob Costas will promise not to lecture you about your lack of class and decorum. Don't worry, though; he brings his own stepstool for the podium.

Just For Fun
Leslie Nielsen - $70,000

Enrico! Pallazzo! Enrico! Pallazzo!

HireSportsSpeakers.com [Official Site]