His last show featured Dan Marino, John Elway, Curt Schilling, Mark Cuban, Jerry Jones and Joe Namath, making it quite possibly the whitest hour of television this side of a Lawrence Welk rerun. On Tuesday, we'll get Floyd Mayweather, Michael Strahan, Pedro Martinez, Brian Westbrook and Brian Urlacher. This lineup threatens to be mildly entertaining for his viewership, which I believe consists entirely of people waiting for Katie Morgan's Sex Quiz to come on.

And how about this: You lucky Pierres in the New York area can watch Joe Buck Live live!

As of Monday, Nov. 30th we have tickets to the show, feel free to pass this invitation along.

JOE BUCK LIVE
TAPING TUESDAY, DEC. 8th - 9:30PM

at NYU'S SKIRBALL CENTER
566 LaGuardia Place, NYC

BE PART OF OUR EXCLUSIVE AUDIENCE!

Joe Buck Live extends its run of live shows with World Champion Boxer Floyd Mayweather, retired NFL star and actor Michael Strahan, pitcher Pedro Martinez, and current NFL Players, Brian Westbrook and Brian Urlacher. Taping in front of our live studio audience in New York City, this third, hour-long edition of the Joe Buck Live show will include live interviews, panel discussions and pre-recorded features. Don't miss another engaging and entertaining evening of live TV.

For more information about Joe Buck Live go to www.hbo.com/joebucklive/

To attend this exclusive JOE BUCK LIVE show on Tuesday, December 8th, YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE BETWEEN 8:30PM and 11:30PM. It will air on HBO simultaneously with repeat broadcasts at later dates. YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OR OLDER TO ATTEND THE SHOW AND YOU MUST LIVE IN THE NEW YORK CITY AREA(NY, NJ, CT) TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR TICKETS OR BE IN NYC DURING THE FILMING WEEK.

TICKETS ARE COMPLIMENTARY.

If you are interested in being part of the JOE BUCK LIVE SHOW, please, email us at joebucklive@theblacklistnyc.com with the following information in both the subject line and body of your email or go to www.theblacklistnyc.com/joebucklive for more info:

1. Your full name
2. Your email address
One which will not put our reply to you in your trash folder and one which you check frequently.
PLEASE ALWAYS CHECK YOUR TRASH FOLDER JUST IN CASE!
3. Your phone number(s)
4. Your age range (35-40, 18-25, 50-55 etc.)
5. Number of tickets — 2 tickets is the maximum number we can allow per request.
SINCE THIS IS A LIVE EVENT WE EXPECT THAT IF YOU ASK FOR TICKETS YOU WILL BE USING THEM. Thanks.
6. Do you consider yourself a big sports fan — which sports (you can put this in the body of the email)

Example: Tina Hays /haystina@sportsworld.com /(212) 555-1212 /25-30/2 tickets/big fan – football & basketball

This information is NOT shared or used for any other purposes other than to accommodate your ticket requests. Our Privacy Policy is available at www.theblacklistnyc.com/privacy.html

We will contact you via email with a detailed ticket confirmation if there are tickets available. You should hear from us within a few days of your request but at latest by 5PM on MONDAY DEC. 7th, 2009. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL US DUPLICATE REQUESTS, IT WON'T HELP YOU GET TICKETS.

Come join us for an insightful look into the sports world from JOE BUCK and the award-winning team at HBO SPORTS.
EMAIL ~ joebucklive@theblacklistnyc.com

We all remember what happened last time. Joe Buck has responded by putting together the dullest and most white-bread hour of sports-related programming this side of the Bassmaster Classic. The guests: Dan Marino, John Elway, Curt Schilling, Mark Cuban, Jerry Jones and Namath, who threatens to be mildly interesting but who will probably wind up talking earnestly about sobriety. Role models! Life lessons! White people! This is basically Joe Buck's wet dream of a show.

And get this: You can watch it live!

HBO's JOE BUCK LIVE RETURNS WITH A NEW EDITION

FILMING TUESDAY SEPT. 22nd

at the Equitable Center Theater (7th Ave. at 51st Street)

BE PART OF OUR EXCLUSIVE AUDIENCE!

The second edition of Joe Buck Live features NFL Greats Joe Namath, Dan Marino and John Elway, Pitching Star Curt Schilling as well as Mark Cuban, Owner of the Dallas Mavericks and Jerry Jones, Owner of The Dallas Cowboys. All our guests are scheduled to appear live on the stage of the Equitable Center with Joe Buck. Filming in front of our live studio audience in New York City, this new hour-long edition of the Joe Buck Live show will include live interviews, panel discussions and pre-recorded features. You won't want to miss what promises to be an engaging, informative and entertaining evening of TV.

To attend this exclusive JOE BUCK LIVE show on TUESDAY, SEPT. 22nd, YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE BETWEEN 8:30PM and 11:30PM. It will air on HBO simultaneously with repeat broadcasts at later dates. RSVP quickly as there are limited tickets for this event. YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OR OLDER TO ATTEND THE SHOW AND YOU MUST LIVE IN THE NEW YORK CITY AREA TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR TICKETS OR BE IN NYC DURING THE TAPING WEEK. TICKETS ARE COMPLIMENTARY.

If you are interested in being part of the JOE BUCK LIVE SHOW, please email us at joebucklive@broadwayvideo.com with the following information in both the subject line and body of your email:

1. Your full name
2. Your email addressOne which will not put our reply to you in your trash
folder and one which you check frequently.
PLEASE ALWAYS CHECK YOUR TRASH FOLDER JUST IN CASE!3. Your phone number(s)
4. Your age range (35-40, 18-25, 50-55 etc.)
5. Number of tickets — 2 tickets is the maximum number we can allow per
request. SINCE THIS IS A LIVE EVENT WE EXPECT THAT IF YOU ASK FOR TICKETS
YOU WILL BE USING THEM. Thanks.6. Do you consider yourself a big sports fan
— which sports (you can put this inthe body of the email)

Example: Tina Hays /haystina@sportsworld.com /(212) 555-1212 /25-30/2 tickets/big fan – football & basketball

We will contact you via email with a detailed ticket confirmation if there are tickets available. You should hear from us within a few days of your request but at latest by FRIDAY SEPT. 18th, 2009. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL US DUPLICATE REQUESTS, THIS IS CONFUSING FOR US AND WON'T HELP YOU GET TICKETS.

Come join us for an insightful look into the sports world from JOE BUCK and the award-winning team at HBO SPORTS.
EMAIL ~ joebucklive@broadwayvideo.com

Don't miss it! Joe Buck's back on cable, and for one night next week, we'll all be lucky Pierres!

EARLIER: Watch Artie Lange Crap All Over Joe Buck's First Show

Also: Obama supposedly will be in the Fox booth at some point between the third and fifth innings. You know what this means, don't you? What it means is this: Tonight, an American president becomes Joe Buck and Tim McCarver's lucky Pierre. I can't wait.

Barry Petchesky will be around tonight to chronicle Bud Selig's neat little scrimmage. Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Keats and Yeats are on your side.

PHOTO: El Duk'

Wayne Ellington was drafted late in the first round by the Timberwolves — along with every other player in the NBA Draft — but most will remember his historic night for the time they met his girlfriend. She goes to Drexel and wanted him to stay local, but he's blessed to be going to Minnesota. Tell that to Ricky Rubio.

Joe Morgan decides to tell a story on Sunday Night Baseball. (Stop me if you've heard this before. OK, I'll continue anyway.) It was an utterly harmless story, until it proved to be an "utter crock." (Stop me if you've heard this before. OK, I'll stop.)

Take it away, Dash: "Let's say you love the Chicago Bears. (Relax....it's just an example.) And let's say you don't mind having a few dozen tattoos on your body. That doesn't logically follow that you need 92 Bears autographs permanently inked in your skin."

Simona Halep decides to get a breast reduction — but that was before Alena Schurkova, a professional volleyball player with 32Es, weighed in. "If she does this it sends out the message that girls with big boobs can't play sports and that is just wrong," Schurkova said. Halep hasn't yet reconsidered.

Fact: Chris Forcier is leaving UCLA. Fact: He needs a better press team than his family. Fact: Writing "fact" lots of times in a press release does not strengthen your argument.

Tucker Max and an unnamed ESPN columnist walk into a bar... no, there's no punch line.

Artie Lange was who we thought he was! A much more thoughtful, rational expression of the same sentiment, at least.

"YouTube is filled with grainy cellphone videos of drunken bleacher brawls, but few capture the drama, action, suspense, and heartbreaking childhood trauma of this donnybrook from the Yankees-Marlins series. It's like the Citizen Kane of stadium fan fight clips." Getcher popcorn ready.

What do you do when you win the Stanley Cup and your team's owner is Mario Lemieux? You go to Sewickley and swim with the Cup, natch.

You already know what happened, but it's worth another watch, if only to make Lucky Pierre a permanent phrase in the cultural zeitgeist.

It's easy to see why they would decide to go this route after Artie Lange spooked HBO's execs (and Joe Buck) enough that they ended up apologizing to America for the lewdness. The next show should be scheduled for around September but apparently it'll be a lot more tamer. No more whiskey sour sketches? No more telescope gags? Will Joe Buck scold his guests if they accidentally utter a "goddamn" while they're live? They're tearing the soul out of the show!

More on this once HBO flacks wake up on the West Coast....

With this new theme Buck can go back to being a "legend in the making" as St. Louis magazine called him:

• Mike Francesa, WFAN: This was the worst show I had ever seen until Artie Lange showed up. And then it became, you know, a different kind of show, and one I'm not condoning here because I'm not condoning him coming in there and just firebombing the entire festivities, which is what he did, but what would you expect? You invited Artie Lange here, what would you expect? You got what you expected. I don't know what you expected to get from him, sitting there.... Then I gotta sit through Ochocinco and Michael Irvin, who I wouldn't watch, if they wanted to show up in my living room, I wouldn't let them in. I mean, Ochocinco? Give me a break. How can you actually take a guy seriously who actually changes his name to Ochocinco?... I'm not familiar with the other guy, I guess he's a comic, I'm not familiar with him. Is that Amy Sedaris his sister, brother or something, are they related? I know who she is, I don't know who he is.

• Richard Deitsch, SI.com: On Tuesday's Stern show, Lange claimed that Greenburg told him if Rudd and Sudeikis were boring, he should "go nuts." He then called Greenburg a series of unpublishable names.

Buck said he had not met Lange prior to a quick meeting in the green room ("Don't suck," Buck said to his guests prior to heading on stage for the start of the show.) "We didn't book him to be crude or walk and cross some line," Buck said. "We booked him because he's a funny guy and somebody who loves sports. It's up to any guest on a live show to take it where they want to take it. He decided to take it where he took it."

• Josh Levin, Slate: Despite the ceaseless wretchedness of Joe Buck Live, the show's namesake did win my sympathy in the end. During the final segment-a comedy panel featuring Paul Rudd, Artie Lange, and Jason Sudeikis-Lange commenced to roast Buck, slowly and painfully, over an open flame. (You can watch the even cruder, online-only aftershow here.) While a skilled pro might have out-taunted a guest who accused him of surfing the Web site "suckingcock dot com," Buck's rejoinders-"I just pulled a hamstring looking for a segue"-made him come off like a scared first-grader talking back to a bully. Buck wasn't David Letterman taming Joaquin Phoenix; he was Magic Johnson on The Magic Hour getting taunted by Howard Stern (incidentally, Lange's boss). "Sorry to ruin your fuckin' great show," Lange said before the credits rolled. "I appreciate the apology, because you have," Buck said, pretending to be joking.

•Danny Groner, Huffington Post: You'll notice how little Buck tries to diffuse the situation once it erupts. He's akin to a passer by who spots a raging fire and rather than try to extinguish it, or to alert the authorities to the fire, he glorifies it as a fiasco worth admiration. In that way, Buck shirks his responsibility as the host in charge of keeping order and fair play. He applauds what's taking place on the stage before him, keenly aware that this video will generate buzz for him in the days, weeks and even months to come.

• Richard Sandomir, New York Times: The bookend to the show was a panel show featuring Lange, the actor Paul Rudd, and Jason Sudeikis of "Saturday Night Live." The latter two need not have shown up for this as was Lange staging a hostile takeover. His scatological, homophobic, insult act was delivered with a sort of blithe and gleeful explosiveness that threw Buck a bit. This 10-minute trap on the stage at the Equitable Center's auditorium in Midtown Manhattan was unlike any live TV Buck had ever practiced with Tim McCarver or Troy Aikman.... Lange's shtick, which will be dissected with Stern on Tuesday morning, will be compared - for the attention it has created - to last year's confrontation over blogging on "Costas Now" between the writer Buzz Bissinger and Will Leitch, then of Deadspin. Bissinger kept erupting, creating a fascinating tableau of righteous anger. But the Lange incident - which benefited from the artistic freedom that HBO provides - was not about any particular issue; it was about Lange's decision that the stage was his to seize. Buck said: "It's an unfortunate thing that happened. But it's live. If it were taped, nobody would have seen it."

• Ty Hildenbrandt, SI.com: Dan's right, this was the best possible thing that could've happened to Joe Buck Live. You know, it's supposed to show the whole other side of Joe Buck that we had not previously known. The witty and charming side that laughs with Randy Moss' end-zone celebrations, not the side that scoffs at them. So this was perfect, and it had the shock value of Russell Brand hosting the MTV Video Music Awards. Mark this down as the first and last time that Joe Buck Live will be considered "water-cooler discussion."

But tell us how you really think, everyone!

The great Bernie Miklasz touched on this in his column yesterday, but I think he was soft-pedaling it a little bit, lest your average St. Louis Post-Dispatch reader try to drown him-or-herself in his/her oatmeal. Pujols leaving wouldn't be as damaging as LeBron James leaving Cleveland — we at least have won a couple of World Series over the last 40 years — but it would be close. And it might actually be more likely to happen. It's the most terrifying notion imaginable to any Cardinals fan, and, all told, if you were to ask me to set odds on it, I'd say it's 50-50. And that's probably being optimistic.

Pujols isn't a free agent until after the 2011 season, though that's somewhat misleading: The Cardinals will have to take care of his contract situation long before then. He has a $16 million option for that season, one the Cardinals would obviously pick up. But $16 million is nothing: That's $2 million less than Andruw Jones is making this year. If the Cardinals let it go long enough to the point that they're picking up that option, Pujols is as good as gone already.

Here's how it might go down:

The Cardinals are currently a game out of first in the NL Central, but that's far from some grand accomplishment. Their offense has imploded — the one Cardinals win against Cleveland over the weekend was a 3-1 victory behind two Pujols solo homers and a wild pitch — and Pujols has zero protection in the lineup. Every Cardinals hitter has regressed, from Skip Schumaker to Ryan Ludwick to the injured Troy Glaus to, yes, Rick Ankiel. (This season, Ankiel has transformed into Rob Deer ... except he only has four homers. It's possible he's playing so poorly that he priced himself back in the Cardinals plans next year.) Pujols is walking more, yes, but more to the point, he's straining to make something happen, swinging at pitches outside the strike zone and overextending himself in a way that, say, Barry Bonds was just patient and blase enough never to do. When you're constantly batting with no one on base, and you're bored with walking, you start swinging at anything. Only pitchers as sloppy as Tomo Ohka are throwing him strikes.

His frustration is palpable, but that's nothing compared to Tony La Russa, who is in the final year of a two-year contract. La Russa — who has been in St. Louis 13 freaking years now — was the last management piece left standing last season when Cardinals brass embraced the scouting stathead types like VP Jeff Luhnow and general manager John Mozeliak and allowed old GM Walt Jocketty to leave for Cincinnati. In theory, the owners made the right decision: Jocketty mostly ignored the draft (a slight oversimplification, sure) and stocked his triple-A squads with veteran fill-ins like Roger Cedeno, Timo Perez, Brian Daubach and Larry Bigbie, where as Mozeliak and Luhnow use the minors, you know, to develop talent. But so far, none of that talent has turned into Albert Pujols, and La Russa, who was close to Jocketty, is frustrated: He feels like there are no reinforcements coming, and that ownership is being purposely cheap. He might be right. He might not be. All that matters is that he feels that way.

Because no matter what your thoughts on Tony La Russa are — and I love him — nobody's closer to La Russa than Pujols. In Pujols' second season, La Russa said El Hombre was the best baseball player he'd ever managed, and though that seems obvious now, back then it was a shocking statement from a grouchy manager known for openly disdaining young players. Pujols and La Russa both have a lot of Bob Knight in them: They're surly, singularly focused on winning every game, in any possible way, and if you are in the way of that quest, you must be destroyed. Pujols is not one of those Bonds-esque superstars who does his own thing and sits idly by: His passion to win, at any means necessary, rivals La Russa's. The two men were born to work together. If Pujols had come up with any other system, under any other manager, he's not the player he is now, and if Pujols doesn't arrive, La Russa would have been gone seven years ago. At this point, they're nearly the same person.

So if La Russa decides these new front office folks don't have The Right Stuff, that they're not as brutally committed to winning as he is, he will leave. I'm not sure where he'd go next — maybe he'd just co-manage the Tigers with Jim Leyland; awesome idea for a bromantic comedy! — but he would, without question, leave. Every game the Cardinals lose 3-0, every solo homer Pujols hits, every heralded Cardinals prospect that disappoints (the "Faberge Eggs," they're called), brings him a little closer.

And have no doubt: If La Russa leaves, Pujols probably isn't far behind, because the only reason La Russa would leave is the same reason Pujols would leave: This Franchise Does Not Have What It Takes To Win. The Cardinals simply cannot afford to pay what Pujols is worth on the open market, something Pujols is aware of; he's always said as long as the Cardinals remain "committed to winning," he'll stay. But what if, say, the Red Sox, or the Mets, offered him $25 million a season, and La Russa is already gone? What is keeping him in St. Louis? Nothing. He's not money-crazed by nature, but he's also not a moron.

Miklasz encourages the Cardinals to try to extend Pujols now, but that seems unlikely, not from their perspective, but from his. Why would he agree to spend the rest of his All-World career — seriously, I get to watch Ted Williams every time I turn the Cardinals game on — on teams like this one, teams that have no hitters other than him? Even though the Cardinals are considered one of baseball's jewel franchises, St. Louis is not a major metropolis (it has fewer people than Kansas City) and doesn't have a lucrative cable deal. (CLARIFICATION: The St. Louis metro area, of course, has far more people than Kansas City's metro area; the comparison was meant merely to remind that St. Louis is thought of as a larger sports franchise city than it is. But I should have been clearer.) And the city itself is struggling financially; wait, come All-Star time, for all the reports about the empty lot next to Busch Stadium that was supposed to house "local businesses." Not even Anheuser-Busch is owned by St. Louisans anymore. The Cardinals could turn into the Royals, the Reds or the Orioles quicker than you think, once-proud franchises decimated by money worries and a heartbroken fanbase. (You can take a look at their payroll through Cot's Baseball Contracts.) That very well might happen if the Cardinals lose Pujols. It's more possible than anyone realizes.

The Cardinals are counting on cheap young players, and right now, those cheap young players are not hitting. Pujols is going to look to La Russa on this one; if La Russa can be convinced that the Cardinals can surround Pujols with quality hitters, he'll stay, because you only get to manage an Albert Pujols once in your lifetime. And much of that, much of La Russa's decision, is going to come down to the next month-and-a-half of baseball. If the Cardinals continue to not hit, and they don't trade for someone to help Pujols out, La Russa will have his answer, justified or not: They're not serious here, not anymore. And Pujols will follow, as soon as he can. (Again: If this isn't resolved by the time Pujols' option is up before 2011, he's gone.) Only through La Russa do the Cardinals get the hometown discount. And that only happens if they start hitting, immediately. I'd argue that the next month-and-a-half might be one of the most critical timespans in Cardinals history. We're gonna know, real quick.

When I talked to people about all this this weekend, non-Cardinals fans, they looked at me like I was crazy: It was difficult for them to imagine the Cardinals losing their franchise player, their whole identity. But it could happen. It really could.

So when you watch Pujols' moon shots evaporate into the St. Louis night at the All-Star Game next month, bathed in the adulation of 47,000 red-clad corny Cardinals souls, realize that it could all end, that he's not tied to St. Louis forever, that, yes, he could be yours. If you want Albert Pujols to be your first baseman — and, of course, you are a fan of the Red Sox, Mets, Cubs (gasp!) or, if Mark Teixeira dies, the Yankees — you need to start rooting against the Cardinals, right now, this second. We'll know very soon.

Gary Bettman. Dash knows hockey far better than I do, so I'll cede to his knowledge, but I'll say I found his description of how Gary Bettman was received after Game 7 of the NHL Finals kind of sad: "How many times can Gary Bettman walk on the ice-in any and every NHL city-to a chorus of merciless boos before he gets the hint? You're there to oversee the biggest moment of the year for your industry and the only thing everyone can agree on is that you are a villainous bum. What is he hanging on to?" Obviously, Bettman hasn't exactly run the NHL as a well-oiled machine, but the grief we give him and Bud Selig, and the slack we give Roger Goodell and (especially) David Stern, seem a bit out of proportion. The NHL has teams go bankrupt and sell off players, and it's just one more example of how much of an idiot Bettman is; when that happens in the NBA, hey, those franchises are stupid! Major League Baseball is about to pass the NFL in total revenue ... but boy, Bud Selig sure does look like a clueless car salesman, doesn't he? I think it's just because we like to make fun of dweeby-looking people. Which is fine, of course!

Joe Buck. You have to give it to Artie Lange, who singlehandedly turned Joe Buck's show watchable, if only briefly. I'm sure he knew it: I'm sure he was watching Buck's interview with Favre — because hey! It's HBO! It's comedy! It's Favre! — and said, "Jesus Christ, this show is horrible. I need to take it over, or no one will ever talk about it again. Besides, I'm very, very high right now." And that he did. I'm on the record as liking Joe Buck, but man, did Lange ever expose him as out of his element on that show. When Lange nuked the set, Buck was helpless; he didn't have the tool in his arsenal that would have minimized Lange and wrested back control of the show. Sure, Lange was being impossible, but Letterman could have dealt with him, Costas could have dealt with him. Buck was stuck, falling back on pre-readied "hey, see how goofy Paul Rudd and I looked when we were 18!" photos and crawling under his chair. (Spencer Hall has some fun with Buck-as-decorating-accessory.) Look, Buck seems like a genial enough guy, but the problem wasn't Lange, who, after all, is simply being Artie Lange. The problem was Buck. Hosting a variety talk "comedy" show is not something he's particularly skilled at. Lange just exposed it, in the worst, loudest and most immediate way. It's not the worst crime in the world. It happens. As Craggs pointed out this morning, Buck didn't help himself by going to his sports media buddies and apologizing for the whole episode, like it was some terrible ordeal he feels awful that children had to see. (You'd almost call it a "disgusting act.") But you think last night's episode was bad? Wait until the "safer," "friendlier" Episode Two of "Joe Buck Live." That's going to be the talk show equivalent of when, in the wake of Stephen Colbert's blistering mockery of George Bush at the Correspondent's Dinner, the White House asked Rich Little to do it. Episode Two is going to feature Troy Aikman and Billy Crystal playing checkers.

Andrew Friedman. I've always had a soft spot for the Rays ever since, before they suddenly ran to the World Series, they were good sports enough to buy themselves a fan on eBay. The whole organization seems like my type of people, and I can't help but root for them. And something else they're doing right: Annoying Murray Chass! Everyone's favorite Octogenarian (NOT A!) Blogger took the Rays general manager to task for not returning his phone call and, well, Friedman struck back (through PR flak Rick Vaughn), pointing out that Chass called him the day before the draft, when he obviously wouldn't have time to chat. Friedman was kind enough not to point another reason he didn't call Chass back: Because Chass' columns are basically conversations with the wall of his office, a sad old man still writing notes columns every Sunday, like the widower who still fluffs a pillow for his beloved even though she died 25 years ago. Chass, bizarrely, uncorks this gem while explaining his mindset:

How in the world could I expect to get the general manager the day before the draft, Vaughn asked, suggesting that the timing of the column was bad and that I should have waited to write it another time when it would have been more convenient for Friedman to call back.

Now Vaughn was not only acting as the Rays' vice president for communications, but he was also acting as my editor. One of the things I like about writing for this Web site is I don't have editors. I like having no editors. Most of them, I have found, have been useless, if not downright incompetent.

Emphasis mine, obviously. Murray Chass hates editors and thinks they're useless. But no. Murray Chass is not a blogger, not at all.

Phil Jackson. Phil Jackson has always been my favorite NBA coach, and I'm not sure why. Growing up without a team in Central Illinois, I just kind of picked my spots, and I eventually fell in love with that Bulls team that just missed the NBA Finals, the year after Jordan retired. This was Jackson on the top of his game, drawing the best from the most unlikely places — seriously, he could have won an NBA title with Toni Kukoc as the second-best player on the team — and once Jordan came back, I suspect Jackson was happy but lost a little part of who he was. Ever since then, quite reasonably, he has waited to coach supremely talented teams (and/or teams owned by the woman he's having sex with), and you get the sense that mostly, he just wants a place to sit down and rest his back during games. His pseudo-Zen ridiculousness can grate, and he's certainly more fake pop intellectual than real intellectual, but if someone was going to win 10 championships, I'm glad it was him. Surely better than Pat Riley. He'll surely "coach" one more year, then retire and spend the rest of his life on a beach, smoking old weed and having sex with younger women. (I'm assuming they'd have to be on top.) All told, not a bad life.

Michael Lewis. The author has a new book about Dads, and more power to him, Dads rule. (Though his "Today Show" interview about it struck me as strangely awkward. He was on with his wife, former MTV vixen Tabitha Soren, and, well ... I dunno ... I'm not sure those two are in complete agreement about parenthood, marriage, or anything, really. Maybe it's just me.) It will be fascinating to see how the movie version of Lewis' best seller turns out. No, no, not that one, the one with Brad Pitt and Demetri Martin and Steven Soderbergh. I mean the other one, the one coming out later this year. Somehow, everyone's being quiet about the movie version of The Blind Side, which stars Sandra Bullock and Kathy Bates. No, really: The film hits theaters in November. Obviously, football fans will rush out to see it, because nothing says Inspiration Football Movie than Sandra Bullock and Kathy Bates. Do we see Terry Bradshaw's ass in this one?

Shaquille O'Neal. I'm not sure any of us realize how fortunate we are to have Shaq in our lives. I mean, the notion of Shaq congratulating Kobe on his NBA title by Tweeting, "Congratualtions kobe, u deserve it. You played great . Enjoy it my man enjoy it. And I know what yur sayin rt now "Shaq how my ass taste" is on the good side of the force. (It was amusing to watch ESPN quote Shaq's Twitter on Sunday night but ignore the one line that actually has some funny news in it.) Also, make sure to watch Shaq challenge Jose Canseco to a fight and punch a cardboard cutout of Chuck Liddell. Sometimes I think the Internet was invented just for Shaq.

Stephen Sommers. Every summer movie season needs a big-budget full-fledged faceplant of a flop, and this summer is not short on candidates. Land of the Lost and that Eddie Murphy movie are already solid contenders, and the fact that critics aren't even being shown Year One until tomorrow, two days before it opens, is a bad, bad sign. (The NBA Finals commercials didn't help either, clearly.) But it's beginning to look like the worst film of the summer, by far, is going to be that G.I. Joe movie. The trailer looks horrible, the director (the guy who did the Mummy movies) has reportedly been canned and there are rumors that the film received the worst screening test scores in the history of Paramount studios. And those people did Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star. We have our true bomb, methinks. It's a shame too, because a G.I. Joe movie had the potential to be so much better than that Transformers junk. I just wish they would have found a way to get the William "Refrigerator" Perry G.I. Joe character in there; he was my favorite.

Peter Venkman. The wait is over: This week, the Ghostbusters video game hits stores, and from all accounts, it's really fun! Basically, you just play as a "new" ghostbuster, joining the team only a month or so after the events of Ghostbusters 2. (Maybe Bobby Brown will show up!) Not only does it have the voices of the original cast — with the exception of Rick Moranis, who "retired" from acting, but including Bill Murray! — but the story was actually written by Dan Ackroyd and Harold Ramis, which makes it, I dunno, canon or something. I mean, they made a Ghostbusters sequel, and you get to be a ghostbuster. I wasn't planning on leaving my apartment this summer anyway.

Frank Williams. Everybody misses Ralph Wiley; It's worth remembering just how amazing that ESPN Page 2 lineup was back in 2002 (Halberstam, Wiley, a limping but still potent HST, Simmons right when he was learning his fastball). One of my favorite Ralph Wiley columns was about the 2002 NBA Draft, when Yao Ming, Amare Stoudemire and Caron Butler were drafted but all he wanted to talk about was old Illini point guard Frank Williams. Of all the Illini woulda coulda stars over the last couple of decades, Frankie was the one who got away, a leisurely, winding Slinkie of a point guard who could find every gap in the lane and somehow twist his way to a bizarre layup. I loved Frank Williams but — and I have Illini sources everywhere! — even back then, he was known as a guy more interested in the gravity bong than the pull-up jumper. Thus, Frank's drug bust last week made me a little sad, but far from shocked. Clearly, because he's a failed basketball player who had "between 30 and 500 grams of marijuana" on him, his life is Out Of Control, or something. That, or, you know, he just had some weed on him. Wait: How much is 30 grams again? God I'm getting old.

Tiger Woods. It's Father's Day this Sunday, which means it's yet another Tiger Woods weekend. The U.S. Open is the signature Father's Day event, and it's the perfect opportunity for old videos of Baby Tiger palling around with his dad, and new photos of Tiger being licked by the family dog. Why hasn't Tiger come out with a book about Father's Day, and his own father, yet? That thing would sell like crazy. (I know just the co-writer.) Anyway, your Father's Day is going to be spend on the couch, watching Tiger win the U.S. Open and talk about how much being a dad has changed his life, and Jim Nantz will happily promote his own Father's Day book, while he's at it. (CORRECTION: The U.S. Open in on NBC. Maybe Nantz will just run onto the 16th green with a copy of his book.) And then you will have another nacho.

If you haven't seen the video already, Artie, an old Howard Stern yuk-slinger, went on Buck's new HBO show and worked a few light shades of blue. He made a crack about Tony Romo rhyming with "homo," another about Romo dating a fat chick. He told a relatively sweet story about Buck's father, Jack Buck, who in Lange's fond recollection "wasn't politically correct" or "a pussy." He made like he was going to smoke a cigarette. When Buck said cheekily that his favorite web site is TMZ.com, Lange interrupted: "What's your second favorite site, suckingcock.com?"

In short, Artie Lange did exactly what you invite Artie Lange on stage to do.

Nonetheless, the response has been universal. "Comedian Lange crosses the line on 'Joe Buck Live'," huffed USA Today. The New York Times was already comparing it to the Bissinger meltdown on Costas Now.

Buck himself condemned Lange's performance:

Buck told USA TODAY he couldn't wait for the Lange segment to end. "I thought that spending time on a treadmill felt long. That was like 8 or 9 minutes that turned into an eternity. You know, it's cable, you can get away with it. It's not my style. But, you do one show and you learn and you move on."

Buck told reporters he thought Lange had an "agenda" when he came on stage to discuss the intersection of sports and celebrity. He was sorry Lange took time away from actors Paul Rudd and Jason Sudeikis of SNL. But Buck said there was little he could do to control the invited guest without "kicking him off the set" or hitting a "trap door."

"It's a thought. A gigantic hook," said Buck.

[..]

Controversy's not a bad thing in the TV business, especially when networks are trying to get viewers to try out new shows. Clips of Lange's performance on Joe Buck Live were already ping-ponging around YouTube last night.

"Do I think it went too far? Yes," said Buck. "Will he be back? If it's up to me, no. But again it's live TV man."

I was in the studio last night, and it was a Joe Buck kind of crowd. Brett Favre, Buck's first guest, now notable for not being notable at all, said the word "shit," and people at first tittered, then, amazingly, broke into applause, as if to forgive the transgression. This is important, because I doubt very seriously that Buck was shocked by anything Lange said. He was merely pretending to be offended on behalf of this sort of audience.

And that's essentially the subtext of Joe Buck Live, anyway. This is a crazy, mixed-up world, the show seems to say, and through it travels Joe Buck, a little bewildered but weathering it all with plain, homespun values and bone-dry wit. There was the ceremonial thrashing of that perennial straw man, "the media." There was an interview with Chad Johnson, who looked like he'd rather be anywhere else, in which Buck tried in vain to get the wide receiver to admit he could sometimes be an ass, but in which Buck also noted, approvingly, that Johnson doesn't drink. And there was a joke, in a taped segment with the aggressively wholesome David Wright, that turned on the wildly absurd notion that Buck might order a whiskey sour in a restaurant. A whiskey sour!

Lange was the ideal foil to all this, and I suspect that's why he — along with Paul Rudd and Jason Sudeikis — was invited onto the show. Buck was outsourcing the funny. And now Buck professes himself to be shocked, shocked!, that an old Howard Stern sidekick might waddle onto an HBO set and go off-color. This is just too perfect. One show in, Joe Buck, guardian of middle-American virtue, has already found something about which to moralize: His own goddamn show.

Comedian Steals Spotlight on Buck's Show [New York Times]
Comedian Lange crosses the line on 'Joe Buck Live' [USA Today]

After the show went off the digital airwaves, there was another online-only portion that takes the vitriol up a notch. That's what you're watching in the above video. Joe does everything he can not leap across the table strangle Artie with his bare hands.

Joe realized almost immediately that the project he has spent half a year developing went completely off the rails and is about to hit a tree and explode. I don't know what he (or his talent bookers) expected Artie Lange to do, but they got what they paid for. Artie launched right into the homo jokes and never looked back, flustering Joe at every turn and driving the final segment into the ground. Things couldn't have gone worse.

More on the fallout, throughout the day.

Your First Episode Of "Joe Buck Live" In Ten Minutes Or Less [Awful Announcing]

A friend passed along the invitation below, which promises "an engaging, informative and entertaining evening." The taping is on Monday — send in an e-mail now and you just might win the privilege of watching Joe Buck do whatever it is Joe Buck is going to do, live.

Oh, and get this: The first show will have something to do with sports and celebrity and the 24-hour news cycle and — wait for it — bloggers. This should not be confused with the last time a boyish and supremely self-satisfied sports-teevee celebrity went on HBO to yammer about bloggers. This time, there will be sketch comedy.

The full invite:

HBO's JOE BUCK LIVE

~ A New Sports Show With A Fresh Spin ~

Topic of the show:

"Celebrities in Sports – Fans blur the line between celebrities and atheletes"

FILMING MONDAY JUNE 15th at the Equitable Center Theater
(7th Ave. at 51st Street)

SEE IT LIVE!

The first edition of Joe Buck Live focuses on "Sports and Celebrity." Combine the 24-hour news cycle with internet reporting, bloggers, gossip columns, sports talk radio, commercial endorsements and the glare of continuous television coverage, and today's superstar athlete is constantly in play.

Utilizing a live studio audience in New York City, the hour-long show will include live interviews, panel discussions, pre-recorded features and a few surprises. We are keeping the great guests a secret and waiting for the big reveal on June 15th when Joe Buck Live will be filmed in front of our exclusive audience. You won't want to miss what promises to be an engaging, informative and entertaining evening of TV.

To attend this exclusive JOE BUCK LIVE show on MONDAY, JUNE 15th YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE BETWEEN 7:30PM and 10:30PM. It will be shown live on HBO simultaneously with repeat broadcasts at later dates. RSVP quickly as there are limited tickets for this event. YOU MUST BE 18 YEARS OR OLDER TO ATTEND THE SHOW AND YOU MUST LIVE IN THE NEW YORK CITY AREA TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR TICKETS OR BE IN NYC DURING THE TAPING WEEK. TICKETS ARE COMPLIMENTARY.

If you are interested in being part of the JOE BUCK LIVE SHOW, please email us at joebucklive@broadwayvideo.com with the following information in both the subject line and body of your email:

1. Your full name
2. Your email address (one which will not put our reply to you in your garbage folder and one which you check frequently.)
PLEASE ALWAYS CHECK YOUR GARBAGE FOLDER JUST IN CASE!
3. Your phone number(s)
4. Your age range (35-40, 18-25, 50-55 etc.)
5. 2 tickets is the maximum number we can allow per request.
(SINCE THIS IS A LIVE EVENT WE EXPECT THAT IF YOU ASK FOR TICKETS YOU WILL BE USING THEM. Thanks)
6. Do you consider yourself a big sports fan — which sports (you can put this in the body of the email)

Example: Tiger Woods/phenomg@sportsworld.com /(212) 555-1212 /25-30/2 tickets/big fan – football & basketball

If you know of a group (over 10 tickets) interested in attending the show put "GROUP" in the Subject line of your email and we will respond quickly if tickets are available.

We will contact you via email with a detailed ticket confirmation if there are tickets available. You should hear from us within a few days of your request but at latest by THURSDAY June 11th, 2009. PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL US DUPLICATE REQUESTS, THIS IS CONFUSING FOR US AND WON'T HELP YOU GET TICKETS.

PLEASE NOTE, AS THIS IS A LIVE EVENT, DON'T ASK FOR TICKETS TO THE SHOW IF YOU DON'T INTEND TO USE THEM. YOU WILL BE DEPRIVING OTHER FANS OF THE ABILITY TO BE PART OF THIS EXCITING NIGHT WITH JOE BUCK AND HIS GUESTS. We will be forced to remove you from our list of free television events if you are confirmed for tickets and do not attend.
Thanks for understanding.

Come join us for an insightful and challenging look into Celebrities in Sports from JOE BUCK and the award-winning team at HBO SPORTS.

EMAIL ~ joebucklive@broadwayvideo.com

*******

Don't forget this Saturday's Deadspin meetup. Upon arriving, you will be expected to whisper the secret password in AJ's ear. The password is "poon shovel." The details, once again:

-Deadspin Subway Series Bar Crawl, Saturday 6/13 from 3:30-8:30
-Start out at Mercury Bar on 34th and 3rd Ave from 3:30-5.
-Then over to Tonic (3rd and 29th) from 5-6:30.
-Finally, end the night at Sidebar (15th and Irving) from 6:30-8:30.
-Revelers can come and go as they wish, no need to show up exactly at 3:30 and stay the whole time.
-Corona has been nice enough to sponsor the meet up, meaning there will be FREE Corona all night for our readers.
-Obviously since it's a Subway Series Meet Up, team colors are suggested but not required.

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Now, some Stones:

It seems that the network fancies their new host as a bit of court jester and now that he's finally made it to pay cable, Joe "Dice" Buck is ready to bust loose. The network has hired Peter Mehlman (former executive producer for Seinfeld) and Jon Glaser (former writer for Conan O'Brien) to write and produce comedy sketches that will star Buck and wrap around his interviews. Also, the interviews will take place in front of a live audience—filled with celebrities!—that Buck will interact with in order to "showcase his wit."

"The hidden secret of Joe Buck, for those of us who have been around him and seen him perform at the Sports Emmys every year, is that he has a very dry and unique wit," said HBO Sports President Ross Greenburg. "That is something that the American public hasn't seen yet. They'll be surprised and amused."

Gosh, that is surprising (and amusing!) If only the American public had some sort of access to Joe Buck where they could hear his voice and be entertained by it the way industry executives and backstage pass holders have been for so long. I guess he just couldn't find a spare moment to squeeze his dry wit into the 700,000 hours of live television that Joe Buck has personally narrated for an entire nation in the last 15 years. Thank you, HBO, for finally giving the man a forum.

Oh, wait ... I think maybe I have seen that sense of humor before.

HBO will showcase Buck's wit in new show [Sports Business Journal]

Wait ... no, that's a game show. I got nuthin.

Attempting to fill the Hobbit-sized void created when Costas left for the MLB Network, HBO has snapped up Buck, who will be the host of a new HBO program starting in May ("Buck Now"?).

Buck's new show will broadcast four times this year, working around his Fox play-by-play schedule. "This was my ultimate dream, to go to a place like HBO," Buck said. "(It) allows me to do things I wouldn't typically be able to do. I'm so lucky I work at a place like Fox, that allows me to break out." The 90-minute show may involve a live studio audience, Greenburg said.

Buck, who did play-by-play for the St. Louis Cardinals, is entering his 16th year with Fox. Next week, he'll talk with HBO executives about the format of the new show. "It's a show that may surprise some people," Buck said. "It gives me a free form to give a little more opinion."

Actually it's going to be a slightly slicker version of this.

Joe Buck To Host New HBO Show Starting In May [International Herald Tribune]
Joe Buck Officially Snapped Up By HBO [Awful Announcing]

Writer Stephen Kaus posted his anti-Buck screed to Huffington Post, which subsequently went to SI, which depending on how you feel about either one of those sites, may or may not help its cause. Kaus' main point is that Joe Buck doesn't act like he's having fun anymore, and this was glaringly obvious to him after he and Troy Aikman soberly called the Eagles/Giants last Sunday. He even goes as far to suggest Kenny Albert should be the man who calls the showcase games from now on. Yikes.

Oh and then, of course, there are the inevitable comparisons to his late father:

Where, exactly, was Joe Buck while his father Jack was urging St Louis Cardinal fans to "go crazy folks" when the Redbirds won a playoff game* or telling a national radio audience that "I don't believe what I just saw" after Kurt Gibson's 1988 world Series blast off of the Eck?**

It's an interesting thought given that Buck, when not broadcasting, seems like a likable guy who's, for whatever reason, been severely neutered by the constraints of being Fox's go-to voice for national sporting events. Ever since his infamous over-the-top reaction to the Randy Moss "mooning" incident, we've seen a man who's been struggling with how he's supposed to broadcast games: should he strictly call it and let the on-field action be his one jumping-off point or loosen up a bit and remember that sports aren't supposed to be treated with the reverence of a presidential funeral? Or maybe he's just bored with the whole thing. Remember it was just this past summer where he openly admitted to Colin Cowherd that calling baseball games isn't that fun anymore and he actually doesn't watch any sports off-hours. But when it gets to the point where you have sports fans clamoring for more Kenny Albert during the most exciting time of the NFL season, maybe it is time to just step out of the booth forever to drink tall boys in the back of a cab with Paul Rudd and actively pursue those late night talk show dreams. Even at Buck's worst, he'd still be better than Jimmy Fallon.

Kenny Albert Should Replace Joe Buck As Fox's No. 1 Act Before We're All In A Coma [HuffPo]

Joe "Balls Deep" Buck is one of the most highly respected and high-profile sports announcers working today and, according to one plucky Midwesterner we all know, is also a true gentlemen when introduced to raisin-filled sports bloggers. Buck's voice is always a welcome addition, especially to baseball games, which seem a little more meaningful whenever he calls them. Plus, he gracefully overcompensates for the painful meanderings of Tim McCarver, who sometimes calls games like he's been huffing Pine-Sol. And there has yet to be a baseball game where a player has irked him while pantomiming a moon toward hostile fans.

But it appears Mr. Buck is also a little burnt out by everything. In an interview with Colin Cowherd this morning, Buck says watches "barely any" sports and says that when he announces baseball games "it's just not as special and unique as it used to be...that's just the way it is."

MLB must be thrilled to have such an enthusiastic guy in the booth during their nationally televised games.

Joe Buck Admits He Rarely Watches Sports And Doesn't Enjoy Baseball Anymore [Awful Announcing]

• Berman vs. Mangino: WHO YA GOT? [Machochip]
• The John Wooden mural is quite the sight. [Gutty Little Bruins]
• Tim Wakefield has seen better days. [Slanch Report]
• Joe Buck returns just in time to ruin your summer [Awful Announcing]
• LOLF [Joe Sports Fan]
• David Beckham blogs about his big fancy San Francisco billboard [You Been Blinded]

Now, Buck is giving back to local kids "in need" by once again hosting the"Joe Buck Celebrity Back 2 School Spelling Bee" at the Pageant theater in St. Louis on May 8th. Yes, for $76 (76 fucking dollars) you could spend a warm spring evening watching these "celebrities" spell: ERIC BREWER, JULIE BUCK, KAREN FOSS, RALPH BUTLER, SHIMMY GRAY MILLER, COURTNEY COOPER.

What, was Will Leitch not available? (Ed. Note: He is! He is! Call us, Joe!) One, for the fact that the Pageant, which seemingly books some pretty cool events (tickets for Wilco, the New Pornographers, various hip-hop shows are also available) will have Joe Buck hosting this very costly event for a noble cause, presumably to a half-empty arena. I'm sure his heart is in the right place for this, but you're telling me that Buck doesn't have enough pull to bring some celebrities (you know, besides his sister) to this event? At least he had Ozzie Smith last year.

And for $76, that Spelling Bee better feature Shimmy Gray Miller and Courtney Cooper juggling flaming kittens or having a dildo fight.

But altruistic Midwesterners, you can get your tickets here.

2007 Kidsmart Celebrity Spelling Bee [Flickr]