Deadspin: joey harrington

Welcome Back, Byron

Leitch — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 16:00:30 EDT

Byron Leftwich, here showcasing his vaunted scrambling ability, has signed a two-year deal with the Atlanta Falcons. It seems like a logical destination, though we hope it doesn't affect Joey Harrington's performance having a guy breathing down his neck. You don't want to mess with a beautiful thing like Joey Harrington.

Anyway, Falcons fans are tongue-in-cheek about their savior.

The Atlanta Falcons DID wandereth the desert for two games, and verily they DID sucketh it hard. Lo, they DID raise their cry to the sky and ask for help in their most sucktastical journey. And in answer to their calls, The McKay DID send a most wondrous Byron Leftwich in response. Placated, the Falcons DID rattle off 14 wins in a row on way to a most glorious Super Bowleth victory.

We'd think they would have to change their offense from what they were initially planning, because not only would the same offense not work for Byron Leftwich and Ron Mexico, we're not even sure they're playing the same sport.

Byron Leftwich Signs A Two Year Deal [The Falcoholic]

Joey Harrington's Negotiating Position

Leitch — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 12:00:50 EDT

Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you were a computer programmer who had just signed a four-year contract with, oh, Dell, a company that couldn't wait to have you come in. In fact, they were so excited to have you on board that they restructured their entire organization just so that you succeed. But it turned out that you still weren't very good; in fact, everything you did somehow drove down the entire value of Dell.

Your response, of course, would be to demand that they trade you to Apple.

"I chose Miami," said Lions quarterback Joey Harrington, "because, No. 1, they didn't promise me anything, and No. 2, I believe I'll have the chance to compete. ... They need somebody to fill a spot right now — with the guy they traded for injured — so it gives me a chance to earn people's respect right away.

It apparently doesn't take much to demand a trade these days. At this rate, Scott Spezio is going to command the Cardinals to trade him to Arizona because it will "give him a chance to earn people's respect right away." In fact, we think Mike Brown did this with FEMA almost immediately after Katrina.

Why Harrington Followed The Sun [Detroit Free Press]

(UPDATE: A reader writes: "you may have missed the point on harrington.. he's due a roster bonus in june and they certainly aren't going to give it to him... so the lions' choice is to either trade him prior to that date or release him... so joey is holding the cards... he may or may not be an nfl quarterback but certainly not being able to get anything done in detroit isn't a sign of much of anything... they haven't been able to find a qb since bobby layne ... and in this case, matt millen screws up again by losing all leverage in a trade."

Eh ... he still sucks.)

Do Not Taunt Detroit Lions Fans

Leitch — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 13:30:56 EST

We don't mean (Fire Millen!) to kick a dying horse, but when you're hosting a Super Bowl, and you have a lifesize cutout picture of a team that has won 21 games in five years, you're just asking for trouble.

The guy giving the headlock to Millen is nice, but we love the kid who has his hat over Joey Harrington's face. (Fire Millen!)

The NFL Experience Backfires [Fire Millen]

Wait ... It's Mariucci's Fault?

Leitch — Fri, 25 Nov 2005 13:02:30 EST

After watching that wretched Lions' loss to the Falcons yesterday — we'll do anything to make the NFL take away the guaranteed Lions homegame on Thanksgiving every year; that game is NEVER competitive — word is starting to rumble: The Lions are considering firing coach Steve Mariucci. This is Mariucci's third year on the job, and, may we remind you, all three years have featured Joey Harrington as the quarterback.

Or, more to the point, Matt Millen as the Lions GM. Can anyone believe that Millen is into his fifth year as Lions GM or, even better, that he just signed a five-year extension? Forget having blackmail photos of the owner; Millen must be threatening to blow up the Super Bowl this year. Millen has done nothing but implode the Lions' franchise since he took over, and the best part is that he implodes it in new and different ways every single year. And now it's Mariucci's fault? We kind of hope Millen has a lifetime contract with the Lions; that way, someday, our Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals won't be the worst team in the NFC.

Mariucci On The Chopping Block? [Detroit Free Press]
Matt Millen Bio [DetroitLions.com]

NFL Roundup: Down Goes Tice!

Leitch — Mon, 14 Nov 2005 09:22:21 EST

• What's funnier than Mike Tice being rolled over and knocked down on the sideline? Nothing, that's what. By the way, we find Tice's dopey sideline celebrations undignified, and Tom Coughlin's constant gyrations of fury incredibly amusing.
• Samkon Gado, baby, Samkano Gado. Two touchdowns, one great MySpace profile and our hearts: He's got 'em all.
• The Bears have one of the top five records in football, and Kyle Orton is like Roethlisburger lite. Crazy. Making a strong case for how to spend your bye week, that's for sure.
• We had the best time watching that Redskins-Buccaneers game yesterday, but — and we've never been there in person — doesn't that stadium just look ridiculous? Not just the ship, but the whole fake storefront on Universal backlot feel of the place? Or is that just TV?
• We grew up very much respecting and admiring the Rev. Jesse Jackson. We think it would be wise for him to be more careful in his public company these days, however.
• Not to say the Buzzsaw season hasn't quite turned out the way we expected, but Joey Harrington threw three touchdowns against them yesterday. Yep.

NFL Roundup: Kicking T.O.

Leitch — Mon, 07 Nov 2005 08:45:49 EST

• We love pictures like this. Everyone, honestly, should have a kicker of their own to hug and cuddle.
• We're not going to get too into this — because, of course, we're going to do our own whole post on the matter later today — but ESPN's coverage of Terrell Owens is bordering on stalking. ESPN's broadcasters mentioned him 81 times during the game last night, about twice what he would have gotten had he, you know, actually been playing. And then SportsCenter was 50 percent Owens (with 3 percent Steve Phillips press conference insanity ... but we'll get into that later too). There is no reason for Terrell Owens to play football again; we somehow imagine T.O. retiring, signing with ESPN, then holding out until Tom Jackson calls him out on "Primetime."
• Charlie Batch, Charlie Batch. You realize that in six years, whoever the hot young quarterback is then will get hurt, and we'll look down the bench, and we'll see the backup is Batch. He's like a booger on your finger you can't get off. Kind of like Joey Harrington.
• That Chiefs game was very exciting, but we still can't quite over the idea that Dick Vermeil could ever make a "ballsy" call.
• You know, we're starting to think that maybe it doesn't make a difference who plays quarterback for the Buzzsaw. It's possible.
• We're currently in Florida, near Tampa, and we saw some guy yesterday all decked out in Buccaneers gear and pumped up for the Panthers game. He was wearing a Warren Sapp jersey. We asked him if he missed having Sapp on the team, and he said, "Naw, naw, he's not hurt, he's playing today," and we realized that this "fan" didn't even know Sapp played for the Raiders. Felt like the Buccaneers deserved to lose after that.
• Hey, anybody hear about that cheerleader story? Don't worry, we're all over it, a little later.

NFL Roundup: Daunte's Blues

Leitch — Mon, 19 Sep 2005 08:55:17 EDT

• If you somehow were able to make an emotionless, painless robot clone of Bea Arthur, and you pounded that clone in the face with a polo mallet for 25 minutes, then slammed that head in a car door 15 times, then severed the head with an exceptionally long and sharp toenail, then put the head in a microwave until it began to bubble up and then finally burst, and then you covered that exploded head with months-old maple syrup and planted it in a field of fire ants ... you'd have an approximate physical manifestation of how Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper feels right now.
• You know what would be really funny? If the Lions finished 4-12 this year, and GM Matt Millen was like, "Joey Harrington just needs more weapons" and then drafted him another wide receiver.
• If Brett Favre killed a man at midfield right before a game-ending drive that failed, afterwards, he would be called "heroically unconventional" by Peter King and Len Pasquarelli after the game. Well, as long as Favre still gave out the phone number to his Mississippi farm, where he's always out mowing when they call.
• Oh, and we just read the following sentence from Pasquarelli, about Jags QB Byron Leftwich: "Swathed in more ice than the body of Ted Williams, bearing huge discolored splotches and limping noticeably, Leftwich settled in front of a locker stall following a 10-3 defeat, looking like one oversized 250-pound welt. Had the Colts been charged with assault and battery by the local constabulary, the prosecutor would have only had to present a naked Leftwich to the jury, and deliberations would have lasted maybe 30 seconds." Doesn't that sound kind of like the "romance novel" that Mr. Garrison wrote on "South Park?"
• We are 100 percent that the reaction to the news that Jets wide receiver Laveranues Coles had gone public with the fact that he was sexually abused as a child by the majority of football fans was, "we can't believe he didn't get in the endzone on that play to the 1. We're starting T.J. Houshmandzadeh next week; Coles could have had two TDs."
• Speaking of fantasy football, it was totally a good idea to start Eagles linebacker Mark Simoneau as our fantasy football kicker rather than Lions kicker Remy Hamilton. Just a last-minute hunch.
• Lesser people, they might consider abandoning their team if a potential game-winning final drive were lost by a freaking false start penalty. Not us. Just don't mention the Buzzsaw to us today, OK?