You're lucky this is Tuffy-Who-Only-Writes-in-the-Same-Person-as-Leitch, or else we'd subject you to a 3,000-word fever dream about the Rick Ankiel Fishing for Charity extravaganza we once dreamed we were on.

(We, on the other hand, never get tired of that pic. That's the guy Cubs fans are supposed to hate?)

Break Out the Deer Sausage! [Out in Center Field]

"His story is a good story as it is," Boston third baseman Mike Lowell told the Boston Globe. "But to add a no-hitter to it, it adds something great to the story. I think people will now remember what he did tonight on the mound as something special, instead of he's a young kid who had cancer. It shows his ability has come full circle. Besides the no-hitter, he shows he can really shut down a team, because he has that kind of stuff."

Of course, Lester doesn't want to be known simply as the pitcher who beat cancer. As soon as he returned to his locker, he plopped the game ball into his cowboy boot and began talking of his next outing. “It was a long road back,” Lester said. “And when I did get back, I wanted to be at a certain level. And I wasn’t at that level. It took awhile. It was tough mentally and tough physically to go out and pitch every five days. It was a long road. I’m just glad that I’m here at this moment right now, and in five days I’ll go and pitch again.”

Lester (3-2) struck out nine, walked two and faced only two batters over the minimum. Center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury thwarted the Royals' best bid for a hit, making a diving, backhanded catch on Jose Guillen’s sinking liner in the fourth. It was the fourth no-hitter caught by Boston's Jason Varitek, a major league record. Varitek also homered Monday.

The last no-hitter against the Royals? Why, it seems like yesterday: May 15, 1973, by Nolan Ryan.

• Umpires Flip A Coin, Again Get It Wrong. Chicago's Geovany Soto was credited with an inside-the-park, three-run homer in the fourth inning despite replays showing that it should have been an automatic home run. Oh well, he could use the exercise. Cubs beat Astros, 7-2. Fun fact: It's been almost 49 years since a Cubs catcher hit an inside-the-park homer. Cal Neeman's did it on June 17, 1959 against Pittsburgh's Harvey Haddix. Lance Berkman was 0-for-4, breaking his hitting streak at 17 games.

• Tanned, Rested And Ready. The Rays kept pace a game behind the first-place Red Sox in the East with a 13-inning, 7-6 win over the Athletics. Reliever Jason Hammel, who had not pitched for 11 straight days, threw three scoreless innings as Tampa Bay won on Evan Longoria's two-run homer in the 13th.

• Alyssa Milano Has A New Boyfriend. Hope you saved that Blake DeWitt card. The rookie's second run-scoring single of the game lifted the Dodgers to a 6-5 win over the Reds, breaking Cincinnati's six-game winning streak. DeWitt is 6-for-6 with 12 RBI with the bases loaded this season.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Jim Edmonds, Chicago Cubs. Whoa, Willie Mays-like! Wizard Cat gives this catch: Five wands.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

Let's go to the action: "On a night Lester did his best to hold his emotions in check from the pitcher's mound, his parents let theirs out a little bit more from their seats just a few rows behind the Boston dugout. With the bases loaded and two outs in the bottom of the fourth, Lester reached back for a 93-mph fastball and struck out Grady Sizemore swinging, keeping Boston's three-run lead in check. John and Kathie Lester pumped their fists with excitement in celebrating their son's biggest out in his comeback performance." Boston had staked him to a 4-0 lead in the first, led by Manny Ramirez's two-run double.

• It's A Two-Hanky Day. Aaron Harang returned from his grandfather's funeral and pitched 10 innings, the Reds going on for a 12-inning, 2-1 win over the Brewers. "He wanted to win that game so bad," said catcher Javier Valentin, whose single ended it.

• A Royal Pain In The Hinder. No sooner had the Royals taken their first, tentative steps out of the cellar than they were beaten by Roger Clemens (351st career win) and Alex Rodriguez (100th RBI of the season), the Yankees claiming a 9-2 win; their fourth straight victory.

• D-Train Now Stops Frequently in Stinkville. Remember Dontrelle Willis? He allowed Orlando Hudson's two-run homer in a 4-3 loss to Arizona on Monday; his career-high seventh straight loss.

• The Pride Of Toledo, Ohio. Mike Hessman — fresh off the bus from Class-AAA Toledo — had a go-ahead two-run single with two outs in the seventh, leading the Tigers past the last-place Chicago White Sox 9-6.