Now I would never get all Grumpy McOldschool and tell people how they can and can't enjoy their sports ... but these people need to stop. We all know the tale of the Happy Youngster and his hardball negotiating tactics, but he is not alone. There's Zack Hample (who you've also met before), who charges other people $500 to attend games with him and learn his ballhawking secrets. (He has 4,000+ baseballs from 46 different stadiums.) There's Tom Snyder who asked for a jersey and two signed bats in exchange for Carlos Gonzalez's first career home run and when that offer was refused, asked for the totally reasonable sum of $10,000. I don't think that's how negotiation works.

Ballhawking is now its own sport and people are flying around the country, competing with each other to nab more (and more lucrative) home run balls. It's not about catching a souvenir—it's about catching that valuable milestone that you can ransom back to a big leaguer for swag. Teams are now leery of these folks, knowing that whenever one of their players does something meaningful they have to enter into complex negotiations with some punk in the bleachers. The man who caught Ken Griffey's 600th home run sold it at auction for $42,000, but not before asking for "a few things that were out of hand," according to Griffey.

All you need to know about Hample is that he brings a hat and shirt for both the home and away teams to every game, so that he can change clothes to match whichever team happens to be taking practice. Pretending to be a fan so you can get someone to throw you a batting practice ball isn't a hobby, it's a sickness. Plus, there's a lesson to be learned in the fan who gave Adam Dunn his 300th home run ball back for free. Dunn gave him more goodies—a signed jersey, three signed balls and tickets—than anyone.

Fans Play Hardball After Snagging Even Obscure Milestone Home Runs [Wall Street Journal]

Ichiro is apparently happy for the first time in years, and if the News Tribune's Larry LaRue is to be believed, this has a lot to do with Ken Griffey Jr. and his magic fingers:

Ichiro Suzuki spreads a towel on the carpeted floor in front of his locker, lies on his back and begins doing stretching exercises. From Ichiro's blind side, Ken Griffey Jr. pounces, gets his hands deep under Ichiro's armpits and digs in with his fingers.

Ichiro's laughter is almost childlike – genuine and uncontrolled – and after about five seconds he screams the magic word to make Griffey stop.

Junior stands up, walks back to his locker and sits down. Ichiro lies quietly for a moment, letting his body relax, then goes back to stretching as if nothing had happened.

[...]

"He's the only teammate I would ever let do that. In Japan, all relationships are respectful, so no one would ever do that to me," Ichiro said. "If someone else did it here, I'd probably punch them in the face."

Their relationship is secure enough that Griffey can offer frank appraisals of Ichiro's looks:

Each day when Ichiro enters the clubhouse in street clothes, Junior goes through a five-point rating process.

"I'd wear that shirt," he said in Denver. "The pants, no. That belt? No. Shoes? Yeah, I might wear those. But that man purse? No (bleeping) way. You're 2-for-5 today."

And then there are all the long, lingering looks into each other's eyes:

Griffin, the trainer, said walking through the clubhouse in that final hour before a game, Ichiro and Junior can be a bit unnerving.

"Sometimes they'll each be at their locker, just staring at one another," he said.

Ichiro, at 35, is putting up the best numbers of his career, a fact that some attribute to that reliable chimera, clubhouse chemistry. It's a lot of nonsense, of course, but there's something intriguing about the idea that Ichiro is hitting a robust .360 because he at last has a teammate to tickle him.

A happier Ichiro? Mariners can thank Junior [News Tribune, via Enjoy the Enjoyment]

Tom Glavine is out for the season. Dude tore up some ligaments in his elbow and says he won't come back if he has to get that ligament completely replaced. The 42-year-old went back to the Braves, turning down more money from the Mets to play where he had kept his offseason home. But he hasn't played well this year; he's 2-4 with a 5.54 ERA in 13 games, and it might be time for that tryout with the Thrashers that he's always wanted.

• Ken Griffey, Jr. has yet to stifle the hopes and dreams of the Chicago White Sox, who still share a lead in the AL Central. Most people remember the pennant-racing that the Mariners enjoyed after Griffey left Seattle, and one can't help but wonder if Junior, who was given away by Cincinnati for pennies on the dollar, will fit into a clubhouse not concerned with bending to his frivolous wishes. But so far, so good for the Sox, actually, as they beat Oakland in Saturday action, 2-1. The Sox share the division lead with Minnesota.

• Roy Halladay pitched a complete game for the Blue Jays, his eigth, as Toronto rolled past Boston Saturday night, 4-1. He's now 10-4 in his last 16 starts, and the object of affection to women everywhere.

Per the Dayton Daily News, here's the crux of the dispute:

Griffey is angry over different comments Brantley made and said one of them was, "He said I'm pouting because the Reds haven't picked up my option ($16 million) for next year. If I was that concerned about money I wouldn't have come here in the first place."

Brantley said he never said that and the subject wasn't broached until Brantley and Griffey sat down in the players dining room early Sunday, "And I think he's upset that I said something about the defense of the corner outfielders (Adam Dunn, Griffey)," said Brantley.

Call me old-fashioned but if the throat slash is involved, shouldn't the person you're signaling have some idea why you want him dead?

Griffey bristles at broadcaster's comments [Dayton Daily News]

Ken Griffey throws a throat slash towards Jeff Brantley's booth [Big League Stew]

Griffey, a resident of Orlando, Fla., has a no-trade clause but would be interested in waiving it if he could be dealt closer to home to a contending team, SI.com reported, citing the unnamed sources. The 39-year-old right fielder is hitting .256 with seven homers and 30 RBIs this season. He is making $12 million this season and has a $16.5 million option for next season.

Dealing Griffey makes sense: Just look at this photo. The Reds would save thousands in wristbands alone. And Tampa needs both a right fielder and a DH (sorry, Cliff Floyd fans). Anyway I guess the Marlins are out, since signing Griffey would quadruple their payroll.

Griffey Reportedly Mulling OK For Deal To Rays [NBC Sports]

Griffey became the sixth player in history to reach 600 homers, getting it off of Mark Hendrickson in the first inning of the Reds’ 9-4 win. He joins Barry Bonds, Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, Willie Mays and Sammy Sosa as the only players to reach the mark. And as one might expect, there's controversy over who got their hands on the ball first, and lawyers are now involved. God bless America's pastime.

So at age 38, one has to figure that Griffey has a shot at bigger game: Sosa at 609*, Mays' 660, Ruth at 714, Aaron 755, Bonds at whatever number* Bonds is at (don't make me look it up). But one gets the feeling that Junior has already had his greatest moment: That day in 1990, Sept. 14, when he and his dad hit back-to-back homers for the Mariners. "My father hit 152 home runs, and that’s who I wanted to be like,” said Griffey. Yes, it can be that simple. Ken Griffey Jr. has always been someone who was easy to root for, and I hope we all get to do that just a while longer.

• Isn't Back-To-Back-To-Back Physically Impossible? Speaking of the long ball, the Rays had an embarrassment of riches on Monday, as Evan Longoria, Willy Aybar and Dioner Navarro hit consecutive home runs in Tampa Bay's 13-4 win over Anaheim/Los Angeles/California/U.S./Planet Earth. Longoria added another homer in the ninth.

• Good Job, Cliffy. Ryan Garko's three-run homer in the first helped Cliff Lee earn his 10th win, as the Indians beat the Tigers 10-2. Now witness the starting pitching stylings of Dontrelle Willis: Eight runs, all earned, three hits and five walks in 1 1/3 innings. Now witness Leyland picking up a large circus mallet ...

• Nick At Night. Say "switch-hitting Swisher" three times fast. Nick Swisher homered from both sides of the plate (there are only two, right?) as the White Sox completed a four-game sweep of the Twins, 7-5.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Pittsburgh Pirates bullpen. Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson and Pirates' hitter Doug Mientkiewicz exchange angry words in the 3rd, and both benches empty. But look how long it takes the Pirates' bullpen to cross the outfield to get to the action ... especially that last guy. It's like watching Lawrence of Arabia cross the Nefu. Wizard Cat gives this journey: Two wands.

As you might have heard, Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 600th homer last night, becoming only the sixth man to do that. It's pretty impressive, even if he did it in Florida.

Of all the praises of Griffey we hear, perhaps our least favorite is that he "did it the right way." The implication, of course, is that Griffey hit all his home runs without steroids, unlike Barry Bonds and (presumably) Sammy Sosa. This seems more an insult to Griffey than to the alleged users. Praising Griffey by denigrating others' accomplishment doesn't allow Griffey to stand on his own, turns him into a martyr rather than the upper echelon Hall of Famer he is. Griffey should not be defined by others. He should be defined by being one of the best pure baseball players we've ever seen. He should also be defined by jock straps.

Because the Reds might well find him a place to be traded now that he has 600 — though the Mariners idea is looking less likely — here are his best homers as a Red.

Utley of course is unconscious, with his homer on Tuesday making it seven homers in his past eight games (he already had a stretch of seven homers in seven games April 17-23). More Utley adulation over at Phillies Nation, including a nice photo of one of his diving catches. And The 700 Level also chips in right here. They're declaring him the frontrunner for NL MVP, and who are we to argue? Although Chipper Jones is still hitting over .400 (2-for-4 to increase his average to .407 in the Braves' 7-5 win over the Marlins). Meanwhile, the Reds' Ken Griffey Jr. sat out the game with "general soreness," remaining at 599 career homers. As I recall, didn't it also take him forever to go from 499 to 500?

• The Hat Squad. Um, what the hell is up with this?. Don’t know; don’t want to know. Baltimore beat Boston 6-3, as the Red Sox lost David Ortiz to the 15-day disabled list with a partially torn tendon in his left wrist.

• Jason And The Argonauts. The pinch-hit grand slam, thought to be extinct in the wild, was discovered in St. Louis on Monday when Pittsburgh's Jason Michaels did it to tie the game 4-all. Jason Bay then doubled home the winning run in the eighth.

• Mighty Casey. Casey Blake single-handedly saved your fantasy team with two homers, a bases-loaded double and seven RBI — the most by an American League player this season — as Cleveland beat Texas 13-9.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Game. Michael Cuddyer, Minnesota Twins. Wizard Cat hates greed, like when friends come over and try to muscle in on his Tender Vittles. Let this be a lesson to Derek Jeter, who tried to double down on the Twins' center fielder and was met with Epic Fail. Boom goes the dynamite! Wizard Cat gives this play: Five wands.

Constant MLB.tv ads have featured the following copy:

“Willie Mays, September 22, 1969…600.
Babe Ruth, August 21, 1931…600.
Hank Aaron, April 27, 1971…600.”



Then the screen flips to Griffey, who sits at 599, and he says, “Ken Griffey Jr…. keep watching.”

This ignores, of course, Sammy Sosa and that Bonds guy, who actually reached a rather lofty milestone just last year. (And it really was just last year.) The big question has been how MLB would handle the steroid era, and we're already getting a pretty good idea: Just ignore it. Boy, doesn't Tim Forneris feel even dumber now?

As Griffey Approaches 600, MLB Whitewashes History [Wicked Good Sports]

We know, we know: This is not exactly Beckett-level humor here. But we're talking about a Major League Baseball clubhouse. You should take what you can get.

Anyway, Griffey owed Fogg $1,500 for some reason or another, and he paid it in pennies.

“I’m a man of my word,” said Griffey. “And when you owe a man $1,500, you pay him. And I’d like to thank the lovely people at National City Bank for helping me with this joke. There isn’t a whole lot you can do with pennies. Just think, each box weighs 16 pounds, so the man has 60 bowling balls in his locker.”

We've asked everyone to appreciate Griffey before, and this seems as good a time as any to remind. He's still that kid with his hat backwards; soon he'll be in Seattle again, and we'll all relive it again. Can we get Randy Johnson, Edgar Martinez and A-Rod back there too?

150,000 Pennies For Your Thoughts [Dayton Daily News]Ken Griffey Jr. Knows How To Deal With Hecklers [Deadspin]

After all, considering the considerable steroid haze surrounding Bonds and (to a somewhat lesser extent) Sosa, one could make the argument that Griffey is the first "legitimate" player to reach the mark since Mays. And when you consider how much time Griffey has missed because of injury — injuries that, theoretically, could have been avoided a bit if he had bothered to use steroids — he probably should have reached this mark years ago.

But there's not much rigmarole or pomp for Griffey, and it's likely he'll be traded not long after he hits 600 anyway. People can say all they want about the "horrors" of steroids. We still focus more on users' accomplishments than of those who never touched the stuff, and paid the price.

Where's All The Hoopla For Ken Griffey Jr.'s 600th Homer? [Sportaphile]

In describing the abdominal injury he suffered against the Giants on Tuesday, Griffey said: "The best way I can describe it is it felt like somebody bungee jumped off my right nut." Wow. Step off, George!

You know what happens with stories like this. It won't be long before some adventurous idiot actually tries it.

Griffey Update [Cincinnati Enquirer]

The tide has turned — it helps that he's healthy and, you know, not much of a steroid user — and now he's talking about returning to Seattle as a hero.

Would I [come back]? Yeah. For the simple reason that this is the place where I grew up. And I think I owe it to the people of Seattle and to myself to retire as a Mariner.

We're not sure this will happen in any way other than one of those "sign him up as a Mariner for one day so he can hold his press conference and retire" things that you see every once in a while, but after the guy passed Mark McGwire in homers yesterday, it's pleasant to go back to loving Ken Griffey again, like we used to, way back in the day. Even if he throws jock straps to fans.

Griffey: "I Owe It To The People Of Seattle To Retire As A Mariner" [Enjoy The Enjoyment]
Ken Griffey Jr. Knows How To Deal With Hecklers [Deadspin]

According to The Jaunt, a man in the Chavez Ravine stands was mercilessly (but harmlessly) heckling Griffey, to the point that the future Hall of Famer noticed. Then, according to the fan's MySpace page, the real fun began.

Well, by the 2nd inning he was looking right at me giving me the looks. When he walks in from the 6th inning he decided he had enough and came over to talk some smack. He called me some fat references which was hilarious and then he told me I couldnt touch the threads on his jock...

I then told him to show me what he's got, that he talks a big game and then I told him to limp back to the dugout where he belongs and I even said some things about his Mom. I told him I might be fat, but I could still play center field:) It was an incredible exchange to say the least. After the 6th inning he walks out and stops to talk to me holding a brown paper bag in his hand. He motions to throw it to me and I told him no, I know that trick. He laughs and says catch it, so I put up my hands and he tosses it over. He wouldn't leave until I opened it and when I finally did, the whole place erupted with laughter. Griffey throws me his jock...

Seriously, the full report of this is amazing. That's how you deal with a heckler, friends: Throw him something stained and sweaty. He'll love it, he really will.

Ken Griffey Jr.'s On My Jock [MySpace]
Just How Big Is Your Ken Griffey Jr.? [The Jaunt]

What were the playing, "red hands" with a ball-peen hammer? Or maybe Griffey was doing something ultra-dangerous, something that's been known to be hell on a man's body. Something like, oh, I don't know... playing centerfield.

He'll have this throwing hand in a cast for three weeks, at which point the doctors will re-evaluate him and probably break his tibia in the process. There's no word yet on whether or not he'll be able to participate in spring training in February, but there is plenty of time for him to slam his arm in a car door or be attacked by a pack of wild swamp rats. His dazzling smile remains unaffected.

Griffey suffers another injury [The Plain Dealer]
June Comes Early: Griffey Hurts Himself. (But He Won't Say How) [Seattlest]