•Dear Texans fans: What the fuck? It would be wrong to paint an entire fanbase with the same brush as the twisted mind who created this...companion, but, yeah, that's pretty much what I'm gonna do.

•A real, practicing judge took the time to rule the Happy Gilmore running swing illegal in the province of Nova Scotia. This is what happens when your court system isn't clogged up with frivolous lawsuits and Guantanamo detainees.

•The talented QB who's unjustly hated because of the snobby team he plays for is likely to be under center this weekend, despite his head injuries. Roethlisberger or Clausen?

•Abe Pollin, the longest tenured owner in the NBA, died yesterday at 85. The Wizards honored his memory with a 1-point win over a 4-9 team.

•Despite a win, Liverpool don't make the Champions League round of 16. This was news to me, as I was under the impression that the soccer season finished Sunday night in Seattle.

•The official douchebag bar of the Upper East Side (Mad River, for those in the know) apparently doubles as a Wisconsin Badger bar, and they could face charges for selling a Wisconsin beer that's not licensed to be sold out of state. Also not licensed to be in NYC: college football.

•••••

Your regular hosts will be with you shortly. Don't forget to starve yourself today.

•Ole Miss is trying to crack down on students chanting "The South Will Rise Again" at the end of one of their fight songs. With an anemic four touchdowns in SEC play, it makes you wonder when they heard the fight song enough to criticize.

•The Angels shook off a seventh inning Yankees rally with one of their own, and sent the series back to New York, where it's supposed to rain all weekend. At this point, the ALCS will end sometime around game three of the World Series.

•Looks like Bud Selig's watching the playoffs closely, even if the umpires aren't. Baseball will announce that only veteran umps will work the World Series, breaking with the tradition of including one first-timer. I'm not sure this is the answer. You know who has worked a World Series game? Don Denkinger.

•Liverpool's team shop has sold out of beach balls, and they plan to search Man U fans for them before Sunday's match. Actually, I don't even have a comment. That's pretty damn hilarious.

•Frank McCourt has fired his soon-to-be ex-wife from her position as CEO of the Dodgers. Well, shit, if all it takes to get a nice severance package is to sleep with the boss for 30 years...does someone have Nick Denton's number?

•Caroline Wozniacki was up 7-5, 3-0 when bettors around the world began putting money on her opponent. Wozniacki then retired one game away from victory, and the WTA is looking into it. Obviously something's fishy, because people were betting on women's tennis.

It was Liverpool's fourth loss of the season and they were none too pleased with the outcome. Despite protesting, the goal was allowed to stand even though the rules clearly state that:

...the referee has the option to allow play to continue if a "second ball" goes on to the field but should call a halt if it interferes with the action.

It also states he should stop the game in the case of "any kind of outside interference" but in reality matches are routinely allowed to continue with items like balloons on the pitch.

Former FIFA referee Graham Poll told the BBC the referee should have stopped the game and given a drop ball.

Sunderland, on the other hand, don't understand why everyone is making such a big deal about it. the game is over, they won, can't everyone move on with their lives?

"If that's the case then we've got away with one," Sunderland boss Steve Bruce told the BBC.

"I didn't know that was the rule to be honest. I hope that doesn't become the main issue as I thought we deserved to win overall, but I'm sure it will."

Bent, whose goal took his tally to six in five games, said: "The beach ball was sitting there in their six-yard box so if they leave it there they pay the penalty."

UPDATED: They can't catch all of them, can they?

Nice aim, Bent. I haven't heard about a ball bouncing off another ball with such force since Charlie Weis took up jogging for a couple of minutes.

Liverpool Left Deflated By Sunderland's Beach-Ball Winner [The New York Times]

If Chelsea can secure a home win over their biggest rival (a task they couldn't achieve last season) they'll overtake Manchester United atop the Premier League table. The Red Devils were lucky to escape yesterday's Sunderland match with a tie following a late own goal. With Petr Cech sidelined due to suspension the pressure will be on reserve keeper Hilario as he faces a Liverpool attack anchored by Fernando Torres.

The match is airing shortly on Fox Soccer Channel, and I can pretty much guarantee that it will be more entertaining than Sunday NFL Countdown.

Later in the day the soccer world's attention turns to Spain, where Real Madrid will be without Cristiano Ronaldo when they travel to face unbeaten Sevilla. Ronaldo carried his Galacticos side to a midweek Champions League win over Marseille with two goals, however the Portuguese star went down with an ankle injury later in the contest. Oh well, they still have that Kaka guy.

Stick around here today to talk about the action on the pitch. And hey, how about a round of applause for Pompey? It only took them eight matches to secure their first point. Next step: figuring out who is supposed to be paying these guys.

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - West Brom vs. Manchester City in progress on Setanta

Serie A - Torino vs. Napoli in progress on FSC

La Liga - Mallorca vs. Sevilla at 11 am on GolTV

La Liga - Villarreal vs. Barcelona at 1 pm on GolTV
(We'll just call it the co-game of the day).

Serie A - AC Milan vs. Udinese at 2:30 on FSC

Ligue 1 - Monaco vs. Bordeaux at 2:55 on Setanta

Enjoy all of today's matches, and as always, follow along with the action in the comments.

Co-Matches of the Day...

EPL - Aston Villa vs. Manchester United at 1:00 pm on FSC
Honestly, what more needs to be said about this match between the third and fifth place squads on the EPL table? Martin O'Neill's club has been superb in recent weeks, and now even Sir Alex Ferguson believes that Villa could wind up qualifying for the Champions League by finishing in one of the coveted spots among the top four. Of course to do that the Scotsman will have to unseat one of the big four, but that hardly seems out of the question at this point in the season. Villa is coming off of a dismantling of Arsenal which has left them tied with the Gunners at 23 points, good enough for a top four spot on the table. Sir Alex's side rests just one point clear of today's challengers, and they'll need a superb effort all over the pitch to ensure a victory over an inspired Villa side.

Serie A- Inter Milan vs. Juventus at 2:30 pm on FSC
A win for Juve would vault them into a tie on points with Inter, however the Milanese side would likely remain atop the table based on goal differential (+3 over Juve going into the match). Of course Inter's rivals will have something to say about that on Sunday seeing as how they currently sit between the two age-old rivals. Jose Mourinho is calling it "another match" although the rest of Italy would probably beg to differ. The biggest question for the former Chelsea boss is whether he'll fit a disgruntled Adriano into the starting 11 for Internazionale. Regardless, the Special One will be looking to gain a huge leg up in the arduous Serie A season with three crucial points on the line. And yes, this is one of those Serie A matches that I'll force myself to watch, no matter how much I hate Inter. Sure college football will be on, but every good household should be equipped with a pair of televisions.

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - Liverpool vs Fulham at 10:00 am on Setanta
Hey Fulham, you're going to lose, so the least you could do is let Deuce Dempsey play more than 20 minutes. Don't forget, we saved your asses in WWII and we kept you out of relegation last year. And that ends this week's installment of The Entitled American.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Newcastle at 10:00 am on FSC
Just win, baby! Oh, and be sure to humiliate the Magpies if you get a chance. Although I do enjoy their beer.

Bundesilga - Bayern Munich vs Energie Cottbus at 11:30 on GolTV
Don't blink or you'll likely miss a lot of balls traveling at high rates of speed past the Energie keeper. Seriously, how has Lukas Podalski not ruptured a net?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs Recreativo at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Another huge mismatch that should be good for the fan of goal scoring. Real is coming off of a bad loss against Valladolid and they've allowed a combined six goals in their past two victories, so to say Bernd Schuster's could use a positive result would be a gross understatement. Regardless, I'm taking it upon myself to set the number of goals scored by Madrid's Dutch internationals at 2 even without the services of Arjen Robben (stupid doctors).

Ligue 1 - PSG vs Lyon at 3:00 pm on Setanta
The Parisians are on fire so they couldn't possibly ask for a better time to face the dominating league champions from Lyon. The French might not have the money and star power of their European brethren, but this match will show that they still put out an impressive product.

La Liga - Sevilla vs Valencia at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Good God, what an awesome match this is going to be. In all honesty it should be amongst the day's featured matches listed above, but if you miss it it's your own damn fault. Pretty much any televised match from La Liga is worth your time, but when you're talking about two top contenders for the league's top four positions you should expect an epic clash. Earlier I mentioned Inter's Adriano, but the his namesake and fellow Brazilian playing for Sevilla is much more fun to watch.

EPL - Manchester City vs Arsenal at 5:00 pm (tape delay) on Setanta
Tape delay? Fuck you, television!

I'm sorry, I take that back. I love you television, with all my heart. If you love me back you'll show me nothing but glorious goals from Robinho and his fellow Citizens, no matter how hard Bertin and Hirshey pray for the opposite.

Enjoy the games and be sure to follow along in the comments as always.

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

Liverpool fans must still be over the fucking moon today. A 1-0 win over Chelsea, giving their 86 game home winning streak the, well, 86, and moving atop the table. And I'm not not going to pee on the Reds' parade. I should if only because that's one of about three skills I have. That and parades are intrinsically pretty gay. I mean, It's not like there's a Gay Pride Bullfight or anything. But just shy of the quarter pole, Liverpool are three points clear (I couldn't find a news story indicating whose house the fans robbed to celebrate but the safe money is on Xabi Alonso's). Just one quick caveat, though.

It's not success against the rest of the Big 4 that really matters. Sure it helps. And with wins over United and Chelsea (and both without Fernando Torres) Scousers probably feel like they've finally appeased the soccer gods since selling their souls in Istanbul three years ago; but just two seasons back my beloved Gunners were 3-1-2 in league matches against Chelsea, Liverpool, and Man U, and still finished fourth, something like 20 points out of the title. Losing at Sheffield United will do that. Hey, the gods can be cruel.

And Liverpool has already flirted with similar disasters a couple of times the season. The Guardian last week had a stat saying something like if matches were 76 minutes long, Liverpool would be on 7 points. Or in 16th or 17th place. I don't remember exactly, other than there were a few sixes and sevens in it.

Oops, I'm peeing aren't I? Look, I've got no problem with Liverpool. I don't live near there, so I'm not likely to be burgled. It's just that almost every time they play Chelsea it's fucking boring. Like eyebleedingly so. From the start of the '06-'07 season, the teams have played each other nine times in the Premier League and Champions League. Between them, they've managed to rack up a total of 15 goals in those nine matches, and five of those—a full third—came in last year's Champions League return leg at Stamford Bridge. That's 10 goals in the other eight matches. Maths!

I'm the first to argue that goals don't equal excitement because, well, they don't—shit Hull and West Brom played a scoreless first half Saturday that was like watching the Showtime Lakers play the Showtime Lakers on grass—but after Xabi Alonso's shot deflected in for Liverpool after about 10 minutes, Cole misfired wide left, Deco went high, as did Gerrard, and Alonso hit the post from a dead ball.

That was a collective, what, six seconds of excitement. The only other entertainment value in the remaining 80 minutes came from trying to translate the string of obscenities from the front row Chelsea fans out of the Queen's English every time the ref made any call, good or bad. I see "fucking cunt" is still extraordinarily popular in England (also, how the hell did Mascherano draw a yellow when Ashley Cole should have been sent off?). Last season, I hoodwinked three girls to come with me to watch these same teams play. Two of them don't talk to me anymore. Granted I told them they might meet cute Euro boys but neglected to tell them that "cute" meant "doughy" and "Euro" meant "drunk" but the 0-0 draw didn't help.

So yeah, matches aren't 76 minutes long and you can't luck your way to the top of the table after nine games (although third might be possible). There's still a long way to go, but if not Arsenal, then sure, why can't them. I've got no problem if Liverpool wins the EPL (suck it, Barcalys) once every 17 years. But please, just stop playing Chelsea. Split the points, divvy up two draws, or even a win apiece. Share the gate and take those weekends off—more time to masturbate! Anything. Because come the end of next January, I'm going to fall for it again—20-someodd world class players (not you, Anelka), the league top spot possibly for the taking, what could possibli go wrong—when I should just stay in bed and sleep.

The Fucking Moon [YouTube.com]
Liverpool Show They Mean Business [Goal.com]
Goal of the Week: Kieran Richardson [101 Great Goals]

Match of the Week

EPL Chelsea vs. Liverpool at 9:30 on Setanta
The Scousers have never managed so much as a single goal at Stamford Bridge during league play under Rafa Benitez, and with Torres injurd it seems highly unlikely that Liverpool will earn a point, much less three. Of course Chelsea is somewhat depleted in their own right. Ballack, Drogba, and Joe Cole join Michael Essien in the spectators booth. However Carvalho will return to the lineup to form an dominating back line in front of Petr Cech.

Other Televised Matches of Potential Interest

Serie A - Atalanta vs. AC Milan at 10:00 am on FSC
Why aren't you watching Chelsea?

EPL - West Ham vs. Arsenal at 12:00 pm on FSC
Watch the Gunners attempt to claw back within a point of mighty Hull City.

La Liga - Recreativo Huelva vs. Valencia at 12:00 pm on GolTV
Honestly, it's better than the FOX pregame show.

EPL - Portsmouth vs. Fulham at 1:00 pm on Setanta
Pompey will play for the first time since losing their manager Harry Redknapp to the woefully underachieving Spurs.

La Liga - Villarreal vs. Atletico Madrid at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Will Jozy suit up? Probably not, but hey, enjoy the stylings of Sergio Aguero.

Serie A - Palermo vs. Fiorentina at 3:30 pm on FSC
How do you say "fuck no" in Italian?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs. Atletico Bilbao at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Real is poised to move back towards the top of the table and Bilbao can't score for shit.

Ligue 1 - Marseilles vs. PSG at 4:00 pm on Setanta
The French aren't all bad. Except for Paris. They suck.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Liverpool at 6:00 pm (same day tape) on Setanta
Just in case you missed it the first time around.

Enjoy your day, and so help me god if I see a spoiler for this Chelsea match before I can watch it on the DVR I'll bury the lot of you in a shallow grave.

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

The league is over. I'm not so sure I believe it, but it's fun to make mildly outrageous predictions just over a fifth the way through the season. It's also really easy. Watch: "Chelsea have won the league." Piece of poundcake. Plus, if I'm wrong, I can write it off to one of those stupidly hyperbolic yet consequence-less claims sportswriters make. Those extension courses at the Mariotti School of Journalism and Sexual Orientation have to pay off somehow. And I'm not going gay.

Chelsea stand on 20 points after 8 matches. At that clip they would equal their '04'-05 record setting point-total of 95. Two things: 1) Small sample size B) Aren't Liverpool also on 20 points? Yes and yes. In fact both teams have faced Manchester United at home with Liverpool taking three points, to the Blues' draw. So advantage Liverpool, right?

Silly rabbit. Of Liverpool's six wins, four have come with the Reds enjoying a man advantage by the final whistle. Four! Shit, even I only thought it was three before I went back to look it up. It is a little misleading as Everton were already beaten when Tim Cahill got a straight red late in the second half—and really, Cahill can't get carded enough—and Vidic's sending off for United came in the 90th minute of a match that Liverpool had in hand. But, in the last two league tilts, six points have turned in Liverpool's favor on cards. Against Man City, they were down 2-1 when Pablo Zabaleta got sent off in the 67th. They won 3-2. Saturday against Wigan, they were also down 2-1 when Antonio Valencia got his second yellow in about five minutes. Final also 3-2.

Lucky? Wigan manager Steve Bruce has every right to bitch about Valencia's first card. And Kuyt's game winner bounced off a defender, the keeper, the crossbar and right the post before deflecting in across the line but, even with the breaks, Liverpool did put the goals in net to get the points.

Still, in a 38-game season it's better to be good than lucky because after eight games it's not so much the 20 points in the standings as it is the plus-16 goal difference for Chelsea. Every season but one this century the team with the best GD at the end won the league—the exception being '02-'03 when Arsenal was +43 and runner-up to United at +40—and Chelsea already has a relatively comfy six GD cushion over the Gunners at plus-10. (And note to Hull: only one team, '04-'05 Everton, has cracked the top 4 with a 0-or-worse GD in recent history, so enjoy your D-Backs-esque run in the top 4 while you can... or starting scoring more).

The plus-16 might seem skewed given Chelsea's 5-0 Saturday thrashing of Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem but given the Blues' 4077th status the result is actually even more impressive. Entering the weekend, their injured players—11 of them—could not only field a full team but one capable of winning the Champions League, assuming it didn't go to penalty kicks (John Terry was on the list even though he did end up starting). That was a B-team (okay maybe B-plus) Gene Hackman (or here or here) sent out and they still trashed another Premier League side.

Money can't buy you love, but love can't buy you shit, especially not the depth it takes to win in the Prem. So even if Roman Abramovich is taking a £12 billion hit as we collectively spiral toward becoming a global third world, he started out far enough ahead that his football toy is in good shape.

Bad refereeing—and plenty of it though just 8 games has been fucking awful—will even out over the season but injuries will hit everyone at some point, and hard. So depth eventually becomes more important than luck in rescuing points here and there. Yeah, revelatory insight I know. But at least there's only a six day wait for the two parties is question to prove it true on the pitch.

And if I'm wrong? Nothing happens.

Bruce Points Finger at Referee [Independent.co.uk]

Abramovich Plays Down Losses [Foxsports.com]

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin

Thanks to Jesus, I watched a total of about 35 minutes of soccer this weekend. Okay, it's partially my fault. I was traveling and just assumed Indiana had the modern amenities of the developed world. But the friend I was staying with didn't have Fox Soccer Channel in his cable package. That left me staring at a soccernet gamecast screen for minutes at a time Saturday morning. It's kind of like jacking it. Sure, it's a small relief to rescue the point, but for masturbation the vicarious stimulation comes from moving pictures of naked people having sex, which is infinitely more satisfying than waiting for a little pale blue dot to start blinking on your computer screen (which, mercifully, it did in the third minute of second-half stoppage time thanks to Cesc Fabregas). Maybe the shame you feel when you get caught doing it is all the two things really share.

For Sunday, I found a local Irish pub that had a Setanta sticker in the window and a sign claiming that they showed "Soccer, Rugby, and Hurling." Hurling? No shit. The Irish really had made drinking into a sport. Anyway, in hindsight I'm pretty sure the word "live" was nowhere on that sign.

You can't sell booze in Indiana on Sunday. This is largely for religious reasons, and it is absolutely fucking stupid. Actually to say it's generically religious and not specifically Christian is silly. The only other days you can't buy alcohol in Indiana are Christmas, Easter, and election day, which is surprising because A) if Jesus really had a problem with drinking, he would have turned wine into water and B) I didn't realize we let Hoosiers vote. But come Rosh Hashanah, you can buy all the Manischewitz wine you like. This might be the real reason rednecks hate Jews.

The primary upshots of some ridiculous laws to appease a guy who has been dead 2000 years is that Indiana sends piles of tax dollars into neighboring states once every seven days and I can't watch live fútbol. Yes, places with an on-site license (bars, restaurants, etc.) can sell alcohol, they just can't do it before 10:30. Even then I couldn't find anyone actually opening until 11:00. So, when I got to the previously-referenced Irish pub, they had just one TV in the place, I had to ask them to turn it to FSC, and it was already after half of the Liverpool v. Manchester City match.

The silver lining? It was about the most entertaining 35 minutes of soccer I've seen in a while. And that had less to do with Liverpool's improbable rally from an 0-2 halftime deficit at the (Middle) Eastlands than it did with the running commentary from the old guys siting at the end of the bar. They were able to decipher what the "Man" in Man City stood for, but after that, their grasp of the beautiful game was Buck Laughlin-esque. Examples:

Old Guy 1: "How did that guy know to let the ball go through?"
Old Guy 2: "They got voice commands they use."

Old Guy 1: "What happened to that guy?"
Old Guy 2: "If you accumulate so many red cards, you get kicked out of the game." (Technically not incorrect, it's just that you only have to accumulate all of one red card to get sent off.)

Old Guy 1: "They make substitutions on the fly, don't they?"
Old Guy 2: "Yeah, it's like hockey."

This last one was my favorite as it occurred maybe 2 minutes after a dead ball in which Liverpool had made two changes and City one.

Okay, it's unfair to bag solely on Indiana for their antiquated liquor laws. Most states lean toward the backwardly Puritanical when it comes to Sundays and booze. But in many of those places bars still open up early enough to accommodate soccer watchers. They serve them breakfast and bide time until the clocks say it's okay to open up the taps. The problem is, outside of the major metropolitan areas, there's just not a critical mass of demand to make it worthwhile financially. Similarly, I'm not making fun of two old people for being Midwest simpletons and not knowing much about the sport. It was that they didn't know much but spoke about the game as if they were experts that made them such entertaining jackasses.

As much as I'd like to, I can't really blame Jesus for the fact that, even with all of the strides the sport has made in this country—and ratings for the last World Cup, Euro, and Champions League final all exceeded expectations—as population density decreases, people in the US still literally don't know and don't care much about soccer.

Deadspin commenter tcw04 is taking us all to Vegas [Deadspin.com]
Arsenal Secure Late Point [Goal.com]
Goal of the weekend (skip to about the 3 minute mark) [YouTube.com]

I'm big into self-preservation, so if I'm in the path of a hurricane—which having been temporarily relocated to Houston, I am (or was)—it's not going to take much cable news fear-mongering to get me to evacuate. And that's the story of how I became a refugee.

I don't want to make light of the people who took the brunt of the hardship, but my plight hasn't exactly been like fleeing Rwanda to Zaire to escape genocide only to find there's a cholera outbreak awaiting me at camp. I went to Austin. It was an easy choice as it's where I grew up and I've still got friends there. So, I've had smooth, uninterrupted power, cell signals and drinking binges. And my buddy's TV is so massive, he can go split screen and still get two HD pictures up simultaneously that are each larger than mine. It's pretty sweet. If I could get a steady diet of hookers and pound cake, I'd never leave.

There's only one problem. He's got no Setanta. He doesn't even know what it is. To him Liverpool has something to do with the Beatles and United is an airline. But between the two clubs, they've won 35 league titles, 18 FA Cups and 8 Champions Leagues (or historical equivalents thereof). So their squaring off puts me in a Fadó at 6:30 on a Saturday morning.

I've got a theory about watching soccer in large groups (and what it lacks in nuance it more than makes up for in infallibility): The biggest douche in the crowd is always a Manchester United fan. Always. Saturday was no exception. It's pretty easy to hold up when United is playing, but even in the crowded bar the grand prize winner stuck out like a hetero on Project Runway (what, don't pretend like you don't watch it).

Wannabe old school United jersey? Check. Popped Collar? Check. Gel-spiked hair? Check. Nothing with both self-respect and a y-chromosome should ever put effort into looking like that but again, local time, this was before 7 am on a Saturday. I was happy to have pants on at that hour. Who is giving up sleep to groom themselves? And to what end? It's the world's most useless gesture. Attendance rates by women for 7 am soccer starts are lower than those at NAMBLA meetings. Even before he opened his mouth, the guy was a tool.

Then he opened his mouth. Before kick he was singing "You'll Never Win A League." Three or four times. Nobody joined in. Then it was "When Johnny Goes Marching Down the Wing." Also multiple times. Also without anyone jumping in. The latter is a song about Man U's John O'Shea. He didn't march down the wing. He never got off the fucking bench. Have I mentioned it's early? Everyone who's not drinking is hung over. Is it too much to ask if you're going to be an annoying prick to at least sing something relevant?

Three minutes in United went up 1-0 and it could have been 2-0 as the ref might have missed a hand ball in the box. At this point it looked like the Red Devils might be in a walkover, 4-0 or maybe 5-0. Manchester McSingy breaks out the "You're Not Singing" song. Leave it to the fucking English to sing a song about other people not singing. You really needed our help? You couldn't have just irritated Hitler into submission?

In the 27th minute United scored again. Only this time they put in in their own net. It was the first time in four years of league matches that Liverpool had even scored against United. And it was an own goal. Even better, the last time someone put the ball in the back of the net for Liverpool against United (September 20, 2004) it was also a United own goal (by the lovely John O'Shea no less). Four fucking years and you can't even score without their help? That's not a rivalry. That's the Washington Generals.

But in the 77th, Liverpool got a fortuitous bounce off Paul Scholes. Dirk Kuyt fed a wide open Ryan Babel (and Rafa, if you're reading, you should play that guy more) and holy crap, Liverpool were up 2-1. A late blast by Wayne Rooney went wide and the Scousers kept their spot atop the table. They've needed some luck to get points out of every match this season. But, seeing how they finally got the better of United and did it without Fernando Torres, I'm sure Liverpudlians are still over the fucking moon and aren't worrying about their week 1 struggle against Sunderland.

After the cheers of the local Liverpool supporters faded out, yep, my favorite fan was still singing. Still by himself. And about what I have no idea. Does United have "Hooray, We Lost and We're One Spot Under Stupid Fucking Bolton" songs? It's almost admirable that even defeat couldn't get him down. Almost but not actually. It was still just annoying and it made me long for Houston, the city that is its own punishment.

Liverpool 2 Manchester United 1 [Independent.co.uk]

Manchester suffered another blow when Nemanja Vidic was sent off after a second yellow card, meaning he won't be available for next week's huge clash with Chelsea.

• Who's the guy sucking his thumb? Seeing Robinho in that pale blue after envisioning him in a real shade for so long was painful enough, then he had to go and stick in the dagger with a picture perfect set piece ten minutes into his debut. Fortunately for my sanity's sake, a fortuitous bounce off of a Chelsea corner delivered the ball right to Carvalho. The central defender took advantage of his rare opportunity with a powerful blast into a wide open goal. Chelsea went up for good in the second half after an exchange with Malouda on the wing left Lampard free to create some space for a powerful left-footed shot past Joe Hart.

Anelka added a clincher before he was replaced by Drogba, who was making his season debut following injury. Unfortunately for Chelsea (and those within earshot of my screams), John Terry was given a horseshit red card, making him the second key defender to be canceled out of next week's match.

• Still want to sell him? Emmanuel Adebayor was the man for Arsenal, scoring a hat trick in a 4-0 drubbing of Blackburn Rovers. The Gunners find themselves third on the table trailing Chelsea and Liverpool with nine points. Just two points shy of them lies Hull City, the real power of the EPL. The Tigers devoured the Magpies 2-1 in front of thousands of really angry people at St. James Park.

You know how Liverpool supporters are always going on about being the greatest fans in the world? Behold the glory of Anfield ... the legendary Kop stand where the faithful could "suck the ball into the opponent's goal" ... the lump-in-your-throat beauty of their Gerry and the Pacemakers anthem "You'll Never Walk Alone" ... the soul-ennobling spirit of "You can't buy 50 years of tradition." Does anyone really believe this swill? Or to put it another way, are Scousers simply the most deluded fans on the planet?

If nothing else, they seem to suffer from selective amnesia. I'm sure it must make your heart soar to hear 45,000 fans bursting into song, but it rings a little hollow when six goals have been sucked into YOUR goal, as was the case last year during the Carling Cup annihilation by Arsenal? And as for Liverpool's refusal to sell that half century of remarkable history, didn't a couple of American yahoos pay almost a billion dollars for it last year?

I was reminded of all this Sunday morning at Kinsale Tavern after Fernando Torres' header at the death rescued a 2-2 draw with Tottenham and the Liverpool contingent at the end of the bar starting chanting, "We're still undefeated, we're still undefeated."
Huh? Technically, of course, they're correct. In eight Prem games so far this season, they've won four and drawn four. But when you consider that in their last two outings at their Anfield fortress, they have lost 1-0 to the 17th best team in France and eked out a tie with the 17th best team in the Prem, it's safe to say that they have moved the needle on the Delusion-o-meter through the roof.

I mean, you didn't hear me bellowing "We are the Champions" after Arsenal won its 10th straight yesterday to stay top of the league, six points ahead of Liverpool, did you? Of course not. For one thing, you don't celebrate a 3-2 victory over 16th place Sunderland, even if it once again showed how Arsene's Foetuses are rapidly maturing into a legitimate title contender. For another, I was the only Gooner in a bar full of drunken, belligerent Scousers.

It's time, however, for Liverpool to realize that pummeling Derby 6-0 to open the season does not mean that future opponents, even one as toothless as Tottenham, will soil their shorts when they step onto Anfield's magic carpet. The Spurs, of course, had much to play for, not least the future of their manager Martin Jol, whose job is hanging by a thread of his nylon leisurewear and whose keeper, Paul Robinson, has been doing his best to snip it. After giving up two howlers against Villa last week, England's No. 1 walked Jol a couple of steps closer toward the gallows in the 12th minute by spilling Gerrard's free kick and allowing Voronin to slam home the rebound.

But instead of burying the Spurs, Liverpool threw them a lifeline with two defensive lapses that Robbie Keane mercilessly exploited to give Tottenham a 2-1 lead and Jol another reprieve. All the while, the Hirsute One, as I like to think of Benitez, was pulling on his chin hairs, no doubt wondering whether his incessant lineup tinkering was about to backfire again. I used to think there was a method to Benitez' selection madness. After all, he started Harry Kewell in the 2005 Champions League final, and we all know how that one ended. But sitting Torres for two successive games and goalless draws after he scored an electrifying hat-trick in the Carling Cup had Liverpool fans fitting Benitez with a straightjacket. So Torres started yesterday and for 90 minutes, despite his $45 million price tag and great hair, the Spanish striker was strangely subdued but no more so than Gerrard, Liverpool's talismanic captain.

"We haven't been ourselves of late," StevieG admitted afterwards. At least he had an excuse. Earlier in the week, he had taken his shiny new Bentley out for a spin when a 10-year-old boy ran out into the road and collided with the car.

No word on whether the Liverpool faithful burst into song and serenaded the poor kid with a chorus of "You'll Never Walk Alone Without A Pin In Your Leg."

Several years ago, on a pub crawl with friends, I stopped for a nightcap at a bar called The Parlour on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. The place was festooned with posters and memorabilia from the bar's favorite soccer team, Glasgow Celtic, as well as a table of young ladies who looked like they had enjoyed a pint or six during the evening and wouldn't object to a bunch of guys buying them another round.

One thing led to another, and I found myself regaling a sodden brunette in tank top and low-riding jeans about the time I took a leak next to Bruce Springsteen in the bathroom of a movie theater.

"Wow," she gasped, leaning closer. "So how was he?"

"Very nice," I replied, "I told him I loved his music, and he thanked me."

"No, I mean how was he DOWN there," she burbled.

"Sorry," I said. "Men don't look."

I sensed her disappointment, and, sure enough, she soon wandered away from the table. Then there was a commotion at the front of the bar, the music started up and she reappeared with a microphone. Oh fuck, I thought to myself, I've stumbled into Karaoke Hell. Worse, the song she was singing was "Born To Run."

(more after the jump)

All of a sudden, she stuck the mike in my face. "No thanks," I told her. That was a mistake. She became more insistent. I begged off again, saying, "As much as I love the Boss, I can't carry a tune."

"That's okay," she slurred into the microphone, "you can tell us about his dick."

"I told you, I never saw it," I said, glancing nervously around the room.

"Yes you did, you homo."

Now I know how John Amaechi felt riding the bus with Jerry Sloan and the Utah Jazz. Suffice it to say that I yelled "Check, please" shortly thereafter and have not been to a Karaoke Night ever since.

But it wasn't until this weekend that I realized how lucky I was to escape without having my legs battered with a golf club. By now, you've surely heard of Liverpool's team-bonding night out on the town that ended with the neckless thug Craig Bellamy grabbing a putter and doing a Nancy Kerrigan on his teammate John Arne Riise after the Norwegian defender demurred in joining Bellamy on stage.

Although manager Rafa Benitez, who was rousted out of bed to break up the fight, refuses to talk about the incident other than to say, "the spirit amongst the lads is very good," I can only imagine that Bellamy was warbling Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" or maybe some early Wham.

Bellamy, for his part, has a long history of making racist, homophobic comments that would make Tim Hardaway look like Martin Luther King. Riise, meanwhile, is frequently seen out and about with his best "friend," the famous Norweigian dancer Kjetil Iversen, the Siegfried to his Roy, if you will.

Still, whatever the reason, unless you're a Scouser, you've got to be amused by the timing of the bust-up, coming as it does only days before Liverpool's biggest match of the year, the Champion's League showdown with Barca on Wednesday. This is the same Barcelona that won the title last year and, in Ronaldinho and Samuel Eto'o, boast two of the world's most feared players. But both are also vain and volatile egomaniacs, and Eto'o has always chafed at the special treatment he feels Ronaldinho gets from the club.

It didn't help that after the Cameroonian hitman, returning from a knee injury that kept him out for five months, opted not to enter last week's game for the final garbage time minutes, Ronnie accused him of putting himself ahead of the team. Eto'o's response was adopt the third person and say, "anyone who comes out to the press and says Eto'o has refused to play is a bad person."

Coupled with this weekend's La Liga defeat to Valencia , this internal dissension might make one think that Barca is imploding. Certainly Benitez hoped that was the case when he mused, "When the draw was made people were saying Barcelona are the best team in the world. After two months we are lot better, and they have had some problems."

Of course, that was before Karaoke night. Now he's singing a different tune.

The team was in Portugal, training for an upcoming Champions League match with FC Barcelona. All the lads were out, boozing and having a good time. A few of the boys wanted to participate in some kind of karaoke competition. Bellamy, who does not fuck around when it comes to karaoke, wanted Riise to come up and sing, but Riise didn't want to because he can't carry a tune. Bellamy insisted. Riise refused. Bellamy continued to insist. The argument escalated, profanity and insults flowed. Eventually, they calmed down.

At about 2 am, though, Bellamy couldn't sleep. Instead of counting sheep or having a cup of chamomile, he opted for a less relaxing option... namely, picking up a golf club and looking for Riise. He found him, and started whaling on Riise's legs, insisting that Riise had belittled him in front of the rest of the team.

Bad. Ass. That may seem excessive to you, but I bet Riise will pick up the microphone next time.

And that may not even be the most interesting part of the story. There are other reports out there of over Liverpool players raising hell, with one being handcuffed for "attempting to headbutt a policeman."

Fuckin' guys know to how to party.

'Riise attacked by Bellamy' [ITV Football]
Bellamy allegedly attacks Riise with golf club after karaoke fallout [The Sports Frog]
Gangstas of Football: Craig Bellamy [116street Soccer]

• Arsenal 1-1 Middlesbrough. Did Arsenal hire Isiah Thomas at some point in the off-season? They continue their run towards the lower middle of the table, getting a draw with Middlesbrough today. The Gunners trailed for the entire game, some of it even when Middlesbrough was playing with 10 men, and they need a Thierry Henry penalty kick to save a tie for them. It is now officially Arsenal's worst start to a Premiership season.

• Chelsea 2-1 Charlton. And speaking of worst-ever starts to Premiership seasons... Hello, Charlton. Chelsea pushed them around the field in a 2-1 victory that wasn't as close as the score would indicate. It was Ashley Cole's debut, as he started his Chelsea career as a sub. Drogba and Carvalho were your goal scorers, and Frankie Lampard missed a penalty kick in the 84th minute.

• As Mike Cardillo at That's On Point noted, it was a nice day for Americans in the English Premier League. Brian McBride and Carlos Bocanegra scored clutch goals for Fulham in their win over Newcastle. And goalkeeper Brad Friedel stopped not one, but two, penalty kicks for Blackburn against Sheffield. If this keeps up, I'll be really really excited right before we get our asses kicked in the World Cup.

Elsewhere...

Bolton 1-0 Watford
Newcastle 1-2 Fulham
Portsmouth 1-0 Wigan
Sheffield United 0-0 Blackburn
Manchester United 1-0 Tottenham

Arsenal 1-1 Aston Villa. Theo Walcott has had just about enough of your snickering. He didn't once see the pitch at the World Cup, but he made his presence felt today with Arsenal, coming on in the second half and completely changing the game. He set up Gilberto Silva for a point-salvaging goal in their first game at their new crib. Despite giving up the late goal, it's still a pretty nice result for Villa.

Sheffield United 1-1 Liverpool. Arsenal wasn't the only high-profile club to get a late equalizer, as Liverpool scored scored on a 70th minute penalty kick after a controversial call. The ref ruled that Steven Gerrard was fouled in the box by Sheffield's Chris Morgan, but to be honest with you, I didn't see a whole lot of contact; it looked more to me like Gerrard picked up some diving pointers from the Portuguese in the World Cup. Of course, Liverpool's coach said the guy deserved to be ejected as well as given a penalty.

Elsewhere...

Everton 2-1 Watford
Newcastle 2-1 Wigan
Portsmouth 3-0 Blackburn
West Ham 3-1 Charlton
Bolton 2-0 Tottenham

• Chelsea and Liverpool go head-to-head in the Community Shield tomorrow. The coaches have already started needling each other. Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez had this quote: "They spend more than everybody else every summer, but when we put a side on the pitch against them they know we will match them." And Chelsea boss Jose Maurinho fired back with: "They will feel that they are in much better condition than Chelsea, so they have to win the game. If they lose against a Chelsea side at just 50% of their quality, that could affect their confidence ahead of the Premiership season."

• Manchester City's been so ravaged by injuries that manager Stuart Pearce had to name himself as a replacement player for a game against Japanese team Kashima Antlers last week. He probably should have stuck himself in the starting line-up, as City lost 4-3. The Blues also made a couple of minor transfer moves this week, picking up Swedish goalie Andreas Isaksson, and letting goalie David James walk to Portsmouth.

• It's not really Premiership-related, but it's worth noting that David Beckham's been unceremoniously dropped completely for England's national team. England plays Greece in a friendly on Wednesday, and Beckham won't be there. He's taking it pretty well, all things considered. "I'm proud to have played for England for 10 years and my passion for representing my country remains as strong as ever," he said. It seems like a little bit of scapegoating to me. No one had a great World Cup for England, but Beckham's the oft-criticized, high-profile guy, so the new coach makes his bold new statement by going after Beckham. Weak.