Glazer and his family also own Manchester United, which puts them in controlling possession of two billion-dollar sports properties. (Forbes values the Bucs at $1.085 billion.) Yet, somehow they make no money. Man U allegedly carries close to $2 billion in debt and the Bucs are currently a ridiculous $30 million under the NFL salary cap. So when there's no more players left to dump, you just have to dump the whole team.

Good luck finding a buyer IN THIS ECONOMY, though. I hear Rush Limbaugh might have some cash lying around.

NFL's Buccaneers For Sale - Terrible Team Yours For ~$1 Billion [Business Insider]
Tatum Bell: Tuskers can beat the Bucs [Tampa Bay.com]

After Michael Owen's game winner 5 minutes and 26 seconds into stoppage time in this weekend's Manchester derby, the Guardian decided to look into the lengths of injury time through all of United'ss home matches over the last 3+ seasons. What they found...shocks no one.

When Man U were leading after 90 minutes, referees put an average of 191 seconds on the clock — less than the average for Liverpool, Chelsea or Aresenal. But when they were tied or losing, refs put on 257. That's more than a minute in additional stoppage time when they most needed those extra seconds.

Does it matter? This year, United have led two games after regulation and played an average of 304 seconds. If that held true on Sunday, City would have secured a draw. But instead referee Martin Atkinson allowed seven minutes.

I apologize to soccer fans for any errors in terminology by me, a relative neophyte. But one concept translates perfectly across the Atlantic: that Manchester United are a spoiled, entitled team that no one likes.

Revealed: Manchester United Get More Injury Time When They Need It [Guardian]

•That's UMass mascot Sam the Minuteman crashing the wedding of one devoted Red Sox blogger. His blushing bride appears thrilled! Well, maybe not thrilled. Pleasantly surprised? How about just...understanding? Okay, she's mortified. But too late to back out now, since he got the whole thing on film!

•A high school baseball coach is under fire for allegedly hiring strippers to "entertain" his players in a hotel room. Silly coach, everyone knows baseball players shouldn't hang around with strippers until they hit the pros, and then marry them.

•Well, holy crap. Newly-promoted Burnley win their first Premiership match in 23 years. And they did it against Manchester United. Look, it's the middle of August. There's no news but baseball news. So you'll get your soccer update and like it.

•Anytime you can sign a guy who's hated by opponents, but cut because he was hated by his teammates even more, you have to make that move. Vincente Padilla steps into the black hole that is the Dodgers #5 starter spot. At least he's guaranteed to be less of a headache than Hiroki Kuroda's.

•Patrick Kane is indicted on assault and theft charges, but it's unlikely he'll do time. He's a first-time offender, they're just misdemeanors, and most importantly, he's a professional athlete.

•Will Bryce Harper be the last baseball player to earn far more than any 18-year-old ever should before ever taking the mound field in an MLB game? That could be the case, if the next CBA includes mandatory slot signing bonus amounts.

•The Vikings have sold 3,000 season tickets and 10,000 single-game tickets since they signed Brett Favre. A word of advice from a New Yorker: make sure you get your tickets for the first 11 games of the season, because those last five tend not to go so well.

This news may come as a mild shock to Man U fans since their manager, Alex Ferguson is on record saying ... and I quote ... "I wouldn't sell that mob a virus." Also, unlike A.C. Milan, the Red Devils are not exactly hurting for cash. (Or maybe they are?) They've been repeatedly listed as the most valuable franchise in any sport, anywhere in the world. But this is what is known as "an offer you can't refuse." United paid about $20 million for Ronaldo in 2003, so it safe to say they made a good investment.

On a related note, if you're having trouble paying your bills in this depressed economy, might I suggest moving to Spain? In the span of three days, Madrid has plunked down approximately $225 million for two players and that's not even counting the money that they have to pay the two men to actually play soccer. Both could earn in the neighborhood of $10 million a year. Plus, they get siestas over there!

The good news for any remaining English fans who might have been biting their tongues as long as the Portuguese Devil was playing in the Premiership, is that they are now free to hate Ronaldo with clear, rage-filled consciences. Judging by the reaction on the BBC, the Man U faithful aren't exactly broken up about this breakup. Sure, he was a great player who scored a ton of goals and helped us win titles ... but fuck that whinging, dive-happy S.O.B.

Plus, as one fan pointed out, if someone would just loan them another $10 million they could buy Newcastle.

Man Utd accept £80m Ronaldo bid [BBC]
Manchester United accept Real Madrid's £80m bid for Ronaldo [ESPN]

Luana Belletti holds the deadly combination of being of Italian ancestry and Brazilian birth, a mixture that typically renders men incapable of resisting her charms. (Translation: "She's a babe.") Since she could have any man in the world, she naturally chose the most famous man in her brother's chosen field, who also happens to work for his organization's hated league rival. At least the boys will have something to talk about on the field next season!

Incredibly, one version of the story claims Juliano fixed the two up—the all speak Portuguese, you know—which means the guy is either immune to jeering insults about his sister's virtue, or she's a spy planning to lure Ronaldo into a daze of lover's bliss and then dump his heartsick ass the day before the next Chelsea tilt at Old Trafford. Hey, I've seen Footballer's Wives.

And thus concludes your daily WAG update. Was it good for you too?

Cristiano Ronaldo's latest WAG is a Chelsea player's sister! [The Spoiler]
CRISTIANO RONALDO DIVES IN TO SISTER OF CHELSEA STAR [People.uk]

How big is this game? The man you see in the picture here is the referee for tonight's match. He got to meet the Pope. The freakin' ref gets an audience with the Pope. That's how big.

(Also, there have been at least two stabbings in Rome today because of this game; one of the victims being an American who was mistaken for being British. Man, U.S. citizens just can't catch a break over there.)

Man U is the defending champion, has a 25-game league unbeaten streak, and the FIFA Player of the Year in Cristiano Ronaldo. Barcelona has two titles of their own, are reigning Spanish champs, and have the FIFA Player of the Year runner-up in Lionel Messi. Imagine if Kobe Bryant and LeBron James were on teams that were good enough to actually reach the pinnacle of their sport and it would still be nothing like this.

And that pretty much exhausts my knowledge of international soccer, but it's still exciting because I will watch any competition as long as it's on TV, especially when there's a chance that players, fans, coaches, announcers, and possibly a monarch or two will completely lose their shit at the outcome. (Just ask Chelsea.) So rejoice, hooligans! The comments belong to you now.

Gamecast: Barcelona vs Manchester United [ESPN GameCast]
Manchester United supporter stabbed in Rome [Guardian]
Champions League final one for the ages [The Roar]

Draw helps Man U clinch third Premier League title in a row [SI]

Apparently, Kenyans take English soccer very seriously. Twenty-nine-year-old Suleiman Omondi was found hanging in his home in Nairobi, just hours after watching Arsenal's 3-1 defeat in the Champions League semis. Gunners manager Arsene Wenger called it one of the most disappointing nights of his career, but I guess Omondi took it a little more personally than that. Or he placed his bet with the wrong bookie.

He took some drinks and broke down in tears within the final minutes of the match," a fellow bar patron, who asked not to be named, told Reuters....

Bar attendants said they had to intervene after Omondi lunged at a man who suggested Arsenal would not recover from conceding two early goals. They also lost the first leg 1-0.

So from one sports fan to many others I say ... um ... don't do that.

Kenyan Arsenal fan hangs himself after Man Utd defeat [Reuters]
Kenyan Fan Commits Suicide After Arsenal's Champions League Defeat [Goal.com]

After time expired, but before the shootout began, Foster turned on his coach's iPod—but not for crazy psych up music to prepare him for the big moment. He was watching old video of his opponents taking penalty kicks. Foster even says he noticed that in one of the clips, Tottenham Hotspur's Jaime O'Hara showed a tendency go to his left. Sure enough, when O'Hara took his turn, he went to the left, Foster was ready and he made the save. Man U won the Cup and Foster was named man of the match.

All the hubbub about it seems to imply that video assist is a bit shady, but when you think about it ... why would it be? Other sports let players consult charts and photos and even video from the bench. German goalkeeper Jens Lehmann famously stuffed a cheat sheet into his sock before a World Cup match against Argentina in 2006. Tottenham even boasts that their techie kung fu is way better than United's. On the other hand, all the "these crazy kids and their computers have changed the world" stuff is just as overblown.

Plus, O'Hara could have just as easily gone right and then Foster would have looked like a dope. The end.

Ben Foster's iPod-watching raises the bar for Manchester United [Times Online]
Gary Megson isn't impressed by Ben Foster's iPod [The Spoiler]
Why Aren't More Premier League Clubs Using the iPod? [EPL Talk]
Manchester United penalty win a triumph for iPod generation [Telegraph]

John Lawless, a lower league player from Merseyside in England, invented a unique way of taunting rival FC United of Manchester.

While taking a corner at the end of the ground in which most of the 2,122 spectators were gathered, Mr. Lawless was seen to wave his arms to make an airplane gesture in an apparent reference to the Munich air disaster of 1958. The crash killed eight players from Manchester United. Three Manchester United staff and eight journalists also died. Mr Lawless’s taunt led to uproar in the stadium and stewards had to prevent several fans from going onto the pitch.”

Lawless got a "police warning," whatever that means. Meanwhile, in Premier League play, Chelsea fans — there's a couple of them pictured above — showed their support for Manchester United star Ronaldo:

Ronaldo really enjoyed that one. He was abused during the game by Chelsea fans who sickeningly chanted "You should have died in the tunnel" — a reference to him writing off his $200,000 Ferrari on the way to training last week.

Oh, and John Lawless is a wanker, apparently.

Man United 3, Chelsea 0 [The Sun]
Footballer Taunts Fans With Munich Air Disaster Mime [Anorak]
Merseyside Footballer In Trouble After Alleged Munich Air Disaster Taunt [Big Soccer]

Failed insurance company AIG currently pays Manchester United $125 million dollars to have their rather bland logo appear on the chests of its players. Of course, AIG would not exist right now if it weren't for the $150 billion that the U.S. government gave them to stay afloat. The New York Mets' new stadium isn't even open yet, but Citigroup is on the hook for $400 million over the next 20 years to have their named permanently affixed to it. That's a lot of money—almost enough to pay the salaries for some of the 52,000 people they plan to lay off in the next year.

Of course, to the companies this is merely advertising money and even crappy businesses need to advertise, right? Unless the advertising goes to greedy sports companies and their prima donna athletes, and no one wants that. That's partially why General Motors ended their luxurious partnership with Tiger Woods before putting their hand out. They wouldn't want Congress to think that they need a government check, just so they can turn around and hand it to the Richiest Rich on the planet. Have you seen his wife? Isn't that enough?

On the other hand, if the Mets couldn't charge $20 million for the name on their stadium, they would "have to" charge $500 for the seats inside it. (Wait, they already do. Make that $500 more.) Plus, an extra $30 to park next to it and another $2 added to the price of that beer. And the AIG ads would now be on the soccer field instead of the players, and the TV timeouts would get longer, and your cable bill would get higher, and one way or another Jerry Jones ends up with your money.

In other words, government, business, sports are really all part of the same greedy monster that is actively working to screw you out of your hard (and not-so-hard) earned money. So just lie back and enjoy it, I guess.

Bailed-out companies AIG, Citibank have no plans to cancel expensive sports sponsorships. [Think Progress]
Failed Companies On Your Stadium or Kit [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]
PGA Tour, other players to feel effects of Tiger Woods, Buick break up [ESPN]
We Now Own The Mets [Five Tool Tool]
AIG Using Taxpayers’ $150 Billion To Annoy Comedy Blog [Wonkette]
S.I. Pols Say CitField Should be Citi/Taxpayer Field [Gothamist]
End of an Era: GM’s Sports Advertisement Budget and Billion Dollar Stadiums

Co-Matches of the Day...

EPL - Aston Villa vs. Manchester United at 1:00 pm on FSC
Honestly, what more needs to be said about this match between the third and fifth place squads on the EPL table? Martin O'Neill's club has been superb in recent weeks, and now even Sir Alex Ferguson believes that Villa could wind up qualifying for the Champions League by finishing in one of the coveted spots among the top four. Of course to do that the Scotsman will have to unseat one of the big four, but that hardly seems out of the question at this point in the season. Villa is coming off of a dismantling of Arsenal which has left them tied with the Gunners at 23 points, good enough for a top four spot on the table. Sir Alex's side rests just one point clear of today's challengers, and they'll need a superb effort all over the pitch to ensure a victory over an inspired Villa side.

Serie A- Inter Milan vs. Juventus at 2:30 pm on FSC
A win for Juve would vault them into a tie on points with Inter, however the Milanese side would likely remain atop the table based on goal differential (+3 over Juve going into the match). Of course Inter's rivals will have something to say about that on Sunday seeing as how they currently sit between the two age-old rivals. Jose Mourinho is calling it "another match" although the rest of Italy would probably beg to differ. The biggest question for the former Chelsea boss is whether he'll fit a disgruntled Adriano into the starting 11 for Internazionale. Regardless, the Special One will be looking to gain a huge leg up in the arduous Serie A season with three crucial points on the line. And yes, this is one of those Serie A matches that I'll force myself to watch, no matter how much I hate Inter. Sure college football will be on, but every good household should be equipped with a pair of televisions.

Other televised matches of interest...

EPL - Liverpool vs Fulham at 10:00 am on Setanta
Hey Fulham, you're going to lose, so the least you could do is let Deuce Dempsey play more than 20 minutes. Don't forget, we saved your asses in WWII and we kept you out of relegation last year. And that ends this week's installment of The Entitled American.

EPL - Chelsea vs. Newcastle at 10:00 am on FSC
Just win, baby! Oh, and be sure to humiliate the Magpies if you get a chance. Although I do enjoy their beer.

Bundesilga - Bayern Munich vs Energie Cottbus at 11:30 on GolTV
Don't blink or you'll likely miss a lot of balls traveling at high rates of speed past the Energie keeper. Seriously, how has Lukas Podalski not ruptured a net?

La Liga - Real Madrid vs Recreativo at 2:00 pm on GolTV
Another huge mismatch that should be good for the fan of goal scoring. Real is coming off of a bad loss against Valladolid and they've allowed a combined six goals in their past two victories, so to say Bernd Schuster's could use a positive result would be a gross understatement. Regardless, I'm taking it upon myself to set the number of goals scored by Madrid's Dutch internationals at 2 even without the services of Arjen Robben (stupid doctors).

Ligue 1 - PSG vs Lyon at 3:00 pm on Setanta
The Parisians are on fire so they couldn't possibly ask for a better time to face the dominating league champions from Lyon. The French might not have the money and star power of their European brethren, but this match will show that they still put out an impressive product.

La Liga - Sevilla vs Valencia at 4:00 pm on GolTV
Good God, what an awesome match this is going to be. In all honesty it should be amongst the day's featured matches listed above, but if you miss it it's your own damn fault. Pretty much any televised match from La Liga is worth your time, but when you're talking about two top contenders for the league's top four positions you should expect an epic clash. Earlier I mentioned Inter's Adriano, but the his namesake and fellow Brazilian playing for Sevilla is much more fun to watch.

EPL - Manchester City vs Arsenal at 5:00 pm (tape delay) on Setanta
Tape delay? Fuck you, television!

I'm sorry, I take that back. I love you television, with all my heart. If you love me back you'll show me nothing but glorious goals from Robinho and his fellow Citizens, no matter how hard Bertin and Hirshey pray for the opposite.

Enjoy the games and be sure to follow along in the comments as always.

Michael Bertin writes regularly about soccer for Deadspin.

There's only one person to blame for ruining Arsenal's 2-1 victory over United on Saturday: Wolfgang Puck. The catering arm of his food empire served the conference I was at last Thursday, the pains in my stomach a couple of hours after lunch blossomed into a wonderful case of full blown food poisoning sometime while I should have been asleep. I don't know if you've ever had serious food poisoning. I hadn't. I always thought it was just a euphemism for "pussy." No. Well into day three, I wanted someone to kill me just so I could get some sleep. I involuntarily tried to do it myself by not eating. Even water tasted funny. The one thing you need to survive, because you're body is dehydrating, and it tastes fucking weird. How is that possible? It's water. It's refreshing. So instead of being at a local, with my mouth under an open tap so I could make lifelong friends with complete strangers, I had the shakes, the chills—underrated band, by the way—the sweats, cycling fevers, a space heater, and, thankfully, a pretty good pirated stream of the match coming from Greece. I also had the run to the bathroom down to about seven steps. No Linda Cohn, no figs, just the exploding diarrhea.

That's where I was when Samir Nasri scored the Gunners' first goal in the 22nd minute. And that's where I was when Nasri scored his second goal in the 48th. For something that was going so well, this was kind of going shitty. I did get to see Rafael do the seemingly inevitable and turn the six fucking minutes of stoppage time—an amount that can only be described as Tratfordian—into a marathon of anxiety. I swear to God, I've worked off a large chunk of my stint in purgatory just having to watch the closing minutes of Arsenal matches this season; and I don't even believe in God. I did consider running to the toilet just to see if I could cause Nasri to score again, but hey, apparently I'm in this for the masochism.

After the final whistle, I did the only reasonable thing. I went and dry heaved. I don't know if it was from the tainted chicken or from the stress of watching Wenger again make time-wasting substitutions that were destined to backfire and almost did when Kolo Toure opted yet again not take the ball to the corner flag to kill some clock.

Happy as I was that Arsenal hung on, kind of bummed I was so sick. Not because I couldn't enjoy the match—and it was fucking excellent fútbol from both sides—but because I couldn't enjoy it with other people. Doesn't matter if it's with strangers at kick off—and I'll be the first to admit that a disproportionate number of American Arsenal fans have a "He was such a quiet neighbor" look about them—watching sports is a little like sex. It's a lot less satisfying when you do it alone.

For all the positives to take away as an Arsenal fan—shit, we beat United with Nicklas Bendtner as our only healthy striker—the best harbinger out of this might actually belong to United. In fact the Mancs should be ecstatic about the loss (and this little bit of tid is just for commenter Wandering Bear). This is only the third time under Fergie that United failed to pick up at least one victory in any of its trips to the other three of the so-called Big 4. The previous two times they failed, they won the league.

So, yeah, I'd still put money on it coming down to Chelsea and United for the EPL (suck it, Barclays), but at least a Champions League run seems a little more of a possibility. And I'd trade being club champions of England for being club champions of Europe. Who wouldn't? Save maybe a Tottenham fan, because, well, that option isn't ever available to them (how's the European NIT going, kids?). Hey, I'm still weak. Cheap shots are all I have the strength for.

But the irony wasn't lost on me that food poisoning was fucking up my enjoyment of Arsenal's biggest win since maybe the 2-0 victory at Milan last March. Revenge is a dish best served undercooked.

Arsenal Defeats Manchester United [International Herald Tribune]
Spurs Dealt Devastating Blow by Food Poisoning [Telegraph.co.uk]