The sad part is that all the autograph hounds camp out here every year on this date, knowing that Roy will have a day off.

And I'm pretty sure that this signature will not count toward her required 15 pieces of flair.

Roy Williams Loves Hooters [Don Chavez]
Roy Williams Enjoys Hooters [With Leather]
NCAA Cuts Hooters Ad From Final Four Program [SportsbyBrooks]

Psycho T and his band of Tar Heels haven't seen a great deal of tight competition thus far in the tournament, but then they've been the beneficiaries of a near-home court advantage or so goes the drummed up storyline between Rick Pitino and Roy Williams. It is those two coaches who are coming in with equal tournament resumes - a national title, coupled with five Final Four appearances as well as eight in the Elite 8 - meeting for the first time in March.

One of these 1 seeds has to go down, right? Better if it's the one who loses to the team I had going to the tournament final. AlsoImaMarylandalumandIhateUNC.

The first of our the regional finals pits the seemingly charmed - sometimes suspiciously so - UCLA Bruins against those nutty Jesuit Musketeers. Is the dunking process of Derrick Brown enough to hold off KevLuv and Co., or is UCLA just an inevitable tournament runner-up? Let's just stay out of the Sports Gods way as they elevate the Bruins to the Final Four.

The Grand Rapids Press talked to one sports bar, which is probably not alone among sports bars with no plans to observe Earth Hour this evening. In fact, many of the town's environmentalists had never heard of it.

"Some of Grand Rapids' most prominent environmentalists, including Mayor George Heartwell, also had not heard of Earth Hour.

"Earth Hour?" Heartwell said when asked how he planned to observe it. "

Guess he didn't get the memo. BECAUSE IT WOULD BE PRINTED ON PAPER, TREE KILLER!

And Google is all dark today. A grand gesture, no doubt, as a black screen uses no power whatsoever. Everyone turn on your black lights!

As if there were any doubt that Stephen Curry is the star of the tournament, even if Davidson fails to reach the Final Four, it was further quashed last night. As this video provided by The Sporting Blog shows, even LBJ had to give it up for Son of Dell, Destroyer of Worlds, who is averaging over 30 a game against some rather stout defensive squads.

Davidson is now riding a 25-game winning streak, the longest in the country. See what you missed by skipping college, LeBron?

Don't pity early departing No. 2 seeds Georgetown or Duke, not that you would. Remember, their students come from money and are getting more of it, as evidenced by their Final Four placement in the Payscale bracket based on the median income of graduating students. Stanford claims the top spot, being the only school with an average in six figures.

You'd think the Ivy League champ would have fared better in this, but the unfortunate draw against the eventual champion coupled with being represented by lesser light Cornell spelled doom for those with blood most blue.

There were some surprises, as with UT-Arlington getting to the Elite 8. Then there were the woefully unsurprising, as Lion in Oil points out:

The biggest loser? That has the be Mississippi Valley State. Not only did they score the fewest amount of points in a tournament game since 1946, but they also have the distinction of having the lowest median income of any school in the Big Dance. It seems like they've got work to do on all fronts!

Poverty? In Mississippi? Now I've heard it all.

Meanwhile, Awful Officiating asks the musical question, why do refs love LA teams so much? It even seems to extend to the NBA, as Golden State of Mind points out, where the Lakers beat the Warriors on Monday on a questionable call at the end.

4 Seconds Left: Inbound pass set in Faker territory. This is it. The last play of the game. Nellie's timeout prepped the team to tie it or shoot a 3 for the win. As the whistle blew and the players wrestled for position ... the unthinkable happened. Fisher fell to the ground grabbing Monta with him, and the ref Delaney, blew the whistle calling an offensive foul.

For those claiming that it's all a vast conspiracy, I ask, why would anyone go to all that trouble? I'm also not a proponent of the "officiating is getting worse" theory. A more likely explanation is that basketball at the upper levels has just become impossible to officiate; players are too fast and too big. I propose a rule change in which coaches can challenge plays like in the NFL. Lose a challenge, lose a time out. Or a scholarship. Whatever.

And consider this: If John Wooden has this much mystical power now, imagine what he's going to be able to do when he's dead.

RECAP: Warriors 119, Lakers 123: Revenge Of The Fakers [Golden State Of Mind]
The Officials Love LA! [Awful Officiating]
Those Bruins Are A Charmed Bunch [Deadspin]

Watch as Duke's Gerald Henderson runs over to clobber the Mountaineers' Cam Thoroughman from behind. Thoroughman (6-foot-7, 215) doesn't take to that too well, and ... whoa! Did you see that, ref? Air shove!

But we kid Duke. The tournament just would not be the same without you guys. It's already not, actually.

Another Duke Flop Found [Awful Announcing]

Original bracket image via Sportsline

-Tennessee and Butler finished off a fantastic game in overtime where it belonged. In the end, the Vols were able to hold off the charging Bulldogs...
(ed. note: awww)...

...Tennessee went on to win 76-71 and they'll face the winner of the upcoming Louisville/Oklahoma game next week.

-San Diego never did make much of a charge on Western Kentucky, so the HIlltoppers will move on to play UCLA. So we're looking a blowout or an extremely close game with a controversial ending. It's just like boxing!

-Memphis and Mississippi State are doing southern things down in Arkansas while Arkansas' team is waiting for their chance to take out UNC. Beating ACC teams is all the rage with these college kids these days.

-Everybody's using the David vs. Goliath headline, but I greatly prefer my religious imagery.

-Hey, Arkansas finally scored! 11-2 UNC.

-Memphis has taken a 33-25 lead on the Bulldogs...
...of Mississippi State.

-Yes, I did have a pet bulldog as a child, why do you ask?

-Lawson is on fire, this is getting ugly for Arkansas.

-Louisville has jumped out to a 30-16 lead over Longar Longar's Sooners.

-Texas scored at will on Miami during the first half and they've built a 43-32 lead at the break.

-Western Kentucky and San Diego are battling it out for the right to be called a girl's name from a fairy tale. The big red furry mascot ones are winning, and creeping me right the fuck out.

-Butler is playing Tennessee tough in what's been the best game thus far. The Vols hold a 33-31 lead with just seconds remaining in the half.

-My hometown Hoyas can't beat Pitt, but now they don't have to worry about that (dagger). They're taking on Davidson in the match-up of NBA sons. It's Dell Curry's kid against Patrick Ewing and Doc Rivers' kids. I bet Roy Hibbert's dad runs a family medical practice that's filled with his infectious laughter.

-Texas and Miami are back on the court and nothing looks to be changing.

-Western Kentucky's lead is up to six, but this looks like it's going to be a shootout.

-Stephen Curry is going to need some second half heroics again. With 4 minutes left in the first he has as many fouls as points with 2.

-Georgetown and Western Kentucky are b othing going into the locker room with double digit leads. Meanwhile Texas is cruising behind 20 points from Abrams and 8 assists from Augustin.

-Miami made a nice comeback, but it was not nearly enough to overcome Texas. The Longhorns are now the 9th member of the Sweet 16.

-Georgetown and WKU have both maintained their leads, but Curry finally made a big shot for Davidson. The 3 brings them to within 12 of Georgetown with a free throw coming. 14:24 left to play.

-Butler is certainly keeping things interesting in their 7/2 tilt with Tennessee. Just under 8 minutes remain and Butler has pulled to within 4 on a 3 pointer from Betko.

-Uhoh, Miami came back?! 11.9 left and they're down just 3. Timeout Texas.

-Miami waited a bit too long to start burying shots. Another late 3, but this one is too late.

-Georgetown by 11 and WKU by 10.

-And it's all over for the Hurricanes. At least they didn't look completely ridiculous in their uniforms.

-Davidson has played themselves back into the game and Georgetown has played themselves into foul trouble. Hibbert has 4 and Ewing has 3, meanwhile Curry just hit another big 2 to bring Davidson within 4. Could the Jesuits possibly lose on Easter?

-Well it's taken all of one round before Kansas has run into trouble in the tournament. UNLV can't match up in size or athleticism, but never discount the advantage of playing against Bill Self. The Rebs are down just one to the Jayhawks with 2:00 to play in the first half.

-More updates coming shortly. I need a shower, that picture is making me feel dirty.

-I'm back, and my Indian food has arrived!

-Kansas has opened up a 9 point lead on the ninth seeded Runnin' Rebels early in the second half and Notre Dame is getting run out of the building by mighty Wazzu in the night's token blowout.

-As many expected, Stanford and Marquette are putting on quite a show. The two have battled back and forth for control of the game, and neither one is backing off. Marquette leads by 1 with 6:37 left to play and possession of the ball thanks to a big steal. Dominic James converts on the ensuing possession and Marquette is rolling.

-Another possession was created by James who kicked to McNeal in the corner for 3. Marquette leads by 6.

-Another crucial basket by Jerel McNeal puts Marquette up five, but Brook Lopez answers right back. Mitch Johnson collected his 13th assist of the night with 2:25 remaining.

-Barro's gone after a horrible call while matched up on Brook Lopez. The short-haired twin just tied the game at the line and he's about to give Stanford a one point lead.

-And he does. 70-69

-I love watching Marquette.

-Crappy Kansas is up 7

-Robin Lopez just BRICKED his first attempt at the line that would have tied the game. Stanford freezes their own guy, and he'll have one more shot to tie with 8.8 seconds left in the game.

-Lopez gets the tie and Marquette barely misses out on their attempts to win in regulation. Overtime will decide the next Sweet 16 dancer.

-Brook Lopez has officially put his shit together, another 2 inches him close to 30 for the game.

-Speaking of which, McNeal just bombed another 3 for his 30. Marquette's up 1 with 1:38 to play.
-McNeal takes the lead right back after a fantastic hustle play by James kept the ball alive.

-Timeout Marquette with less than a minute to play.

-Brook and Robin's mom looks like someone who would name her boys Brook and Robin. Either that or she looks like someone who would feed on her young. A bit scary, that one.

-OH WOW! Brook Lopez just hit a miracle shot for Stanford with under two seconds left in the game. Stanford has the slimmest of leads and Marquette is drawing up a play.

-"BRING ME THE ONE CALLED MCNEAL!!!" - Lrr, Omicron Persei 8 (ed. note: via Flubby).

-Nothing doing for Marquette, and it's all over. The Cardinal rode the tree-like Lopez twins to another victory and they're on their way to the Sweet 16.

-Kansas is currently up 14 on the Rebs with less than 6 minutes to play.

-I'm not live blogging tonight's late games, but I will have a final post up shortly.

Image via Pac 10 Poon

I'll be back with Live Blogs for the afternoon/evening slate of games. The good news is that my girlfriend brought me beer.

...German beer?

/shakes head

For some IMMEDIATE REACTION check out Dan Shanoff's work.

Or you can go to FanHouse to find out what kind of Duke hater you might be.

Original image from Getty Images via Yahoo! Sports

I'll be back with Live Blogs for the afternoon/evening slate of games. The good news is that my girlfriend brought me beer.

...German beer?

/shakes head

Original image from Getty Images via Yahoo! Sports

4:20 Kansas St. vs. Wisconsin
4:40 Purdue vs. Xavier
6:40 Notre Dame vs. Washington State
6:45 Marquette vs. Stanford
6:50 UNLV vs. Kansas
9:10 Michigan State vs. Pittsburgh
9:15 Texas A&M vs. UCLA

-Greg Paulus has already hit two threes and hit the ground like Francesco Totti in the box.

-Duke is showing some fire that they lacked against Belmont, but their turnovers are keeping the Mountaineers in the game. Brian Zoubek is still awful. Duke by 6.

-Duke is building their lead at the line. Huggy Bear is beginning to realize that Joe Alexander's hacks don't pack the same punch as the ones from Kenyon Martin.

-This shit's getting kind of ugly. There are whistles blowing all over the place and the offenses have both been a bit disjointed in the first ten minutes. So it should come as no surprise that the team from the Big East is handling itself nicely. West Virginia is still down, but they are going to make Duke work hard for another win.

-Ruoff, Butler, and Smith have all picked up two first half fouls for West Virginia. Duke's Kyle Singler has two as well.

-I got a bit sidetracked but I'm back!

-West Virginia is sticking around despite not making a single 3 and shooting 9 few free throws than Duke.

-Duke comes out hot to start off the second half like they did in the opening minutes of the game. Gerald Henderson should probably try to dominate less athletic defenders more often than once per game.

-Nichols just buried the first Mountaineer 3 pointer of the game and the couch burners are getting fired up...so to speak. Duke's still up by three.

-WVU has the lead and all the momentum. The refs even called a loose ball foul on Singler!

-...and Scheyer is on the ground after drawing a charge five seconds later.

-Alexander is huge right now. he blocked a shot, buried a three, and blocked the subsequent Duke offering. Meanwhile Singler goes to the bench with a FOURTH foul. But it should be alright, I hear Duke is really deep on the interior.

-Uhoh, looks like Duke is on the verge of getting their asses kicked. West Virginia has a seven point lead, their best player is sitting, and Coach K needs a timeout. John Junior Feinstein is getting nervous.

-Didn't DeMarcus Nelson used to play for Duke?

-Scheyer uses the power of the Jew to hit a basket and take the contact. The three-point play brings Duke back to within 4, but Joe Alexander answers with a quick two.

-Duke's dying.

-NEW POST ABOVE!
Image via Mister Irrelevant

Scoring one point for each first-round victory so far, the tally after Thursday's games:

Obama 13, McCain 12.

McCain was tripped up in two key areas: He picked Kent State, while Obama avoided that potential quagmire and correctly tabbed UNLV. McCain also went with Arizona; an obviously partisan pick that may cast doubt on his overall judgment. Obama was tripped by by Winthrop, which he inexplicably picked over Washington State, and he has scheduled a press conference for later today to explain the gaffe. The only team to be incorrectly picked by both candidates was USC.

As for Hillary Clinton's NCAA picks, she has not yet released those documents.

Meanwhile, Ralph Nader is that guy in your office who every year turns in his pool brackets three hours after the games have started on Thursday, pleading "I haven't been looking at the scores, honest!"

Barak Obama's NCAA Tournament bracket [CBS News]
John McCain's NCAA Tournament bracket [John McCain.com]

McCain's bracket was to be unveiled on his Web site today before the tournament tips off at noon. Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, when asked about her picks for the Final Four teams, deferred to the most famous graduate of Georgetown University, whose highly ranked Hoyas are playing tomorrow. ``Oh gosh, I don't know,'' she said at a campaign stop in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, on March 18. ``I have to consult with my basketball adviser, my husband.'' Matt McKenna, a spokesman for the former president, said, ``We're going to pass.'' Obama's choice of North Carolina, the tournament favorite, won't hurt him in that state's May 6 primary.

McCain, whom aides said "was still working on his brackets" last night in London (translation: "Zzzzzzzz ...") has his own online NCAA tournament pool, as we mentioned on Tuesday. You can't win actual money, but you can win McCain goodies; including the McCain fleece. But you only get it if you pick Arizona to reach the Final Four.

March Madness: McCain Ponders, Clinton Passes, Obama Picks UNC [Bloomberg.com]
John McCain NCAA Pool

"Folks making a friendly wager with friends or co-workers should not have to worry about committing a crime," said Assemblyman Kevin Jeffries, who proposed the measure. The Lake Elsinore Republican said his goal is to make the punishment fit the offense — not to legalize office betting. In a state where residents can gamble daily on Indian casino games, Lotto and horse racing, Jeffries sees no reason to hammer them for friendly betting on major sporting events. Under Assembly Bill 1852, violators would be guilty of an infraction, punishable by a $500 fine. Current law allows first offenders to be jailed for up to one year and fined $5,000.

Get set for a Grapes of Wrath-type migration toward California over the next two days, as the common office worker looks for a fresh start in a land of hope and opportunity. Of course, this has never been an issue for me. No juror who ever saw my picks would call that gambling.

But here's a question: How many state and federal laws are being broken by MSNBC, whose "It's Madness" NCAA Tournament bracket contest is offering $10,000 to the winner? Don't expect any congressional hearings on this, by the way.

A Safer Bet? [Sacramento Bee]
Who's Who In Your NCAA Office Pool [Cracked]
It's Madness [MSNBC]
Join The Deadspin Pool
Download The Deadspin Printable Bracket. (PDF)
John McCain NCAA Bracket Pool

Mount St. Marys and Coppin State were both informed early Sunday — 90 minutes before all the other teams — that they would be playing each other in the play-in game. That essentially spoiled the fun of the televised Selection Sunday announcement for both teams.

"I liked knowing [early] from a coaching standpoint," Mount St. Mary's coach Milan Brown said. "But as a fan, I didn't like it because we already knew when we walked in here who we were playing and where we were going. This part of March, just figuring out where you're going, that's so exciting for the kids and to have that taken away from them is a little bit of a downer."

Sophomore guard Jeremy Goode:

"I mean, we won our conference. I don't expect to have to win a game to get to a tournament that I feel we worked hard enough to get to."

He has a point. Either you're in the tournament or you aren't; creating two second-class citizen teams — the winner to be shoveled into the maw of a beast school like North Carolina anyway — doesn't seem right. Nor does awarding berths for conference tournament winners. Coppin State won the Mid-Eastern Athletic Conference Tournament by upsetting Morgan State (22-10), 62-60, after having been swept in the regular season. If the conferences want to generate revenue by having these tournaments, fine. But can't the NCAA ignore them, and award berths in the Big Dance to regular season winners?

No, you say. If the conference tournament didn't determine the true conference winners, no one would watch them. OK, I suppose. But you could still eliminate the play-in game. This year would have been an easy decision: Take Mount St. Mary's to the field of 64, and leave the 20-loss team behind.

Coppin State, With 20 Losses, Makes The NCAAs [SportsbyBrooks]
Mount's Surprise Party Spoiled [The Baltimore Sun]

What I'm saying is that once you've tried VasoWear, you will never again wear briefs that don't have the patented "anti-gravity inner shelf." I swear by them.

Man, if only Eliot Spitzer had been aware of the ice pack feature.

Go From A 16 Seed To A No Seed [Deadspin]
VasoWear: Post-Vasectomy Garment Cradles Your Boys [MedGadget, via Dave Barry Blog]

But sadly, I will not be rooting for Elon when they take on No. 25 Davidson in the Southern Conference Tournament championship game tonight at 9 at North Charleston Coliseum. That's because Elon athletics once had one of the greatest nicknames of all time; the Fightin' Christians. But when the school moved up to Div. I competition in 1999, they changed it to the Phoenix.

That's just lame and wrong. By Elon officials caving to political correctness, we are deprived of seeing a pugnacious parson with a pilgrim beard squaring off with the Tar Heel logo in the first round of March Madness. Well anyway, since Elon isn't using the nickname any more, maybe Bob Jones University could pick it up.

Madness! Elon (14-18) One Win From Big Dance [MSNBC]

MVN Outsider points to a snippy (tee hee) promotion that ensures that if, you know, you're a fella who wants an excuse to watch the entire NCAA Tournament and also is interested in rendering himself sterile, you needn't wait until after the tourney.

"When March Madness approaches you need an excuse ... to stay at home in front of the big screen," the clinic's radio ad says. "Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It's snip city."

Yes, snip city. Population: no one, because people aren't having babies. The clinic already has two dozen appointments set: a dozen the day before the tournament starts and a dozen the day before the second weekend.

I hope a lot of Duke alums take advantage of this offer. I don't care if they're probably 3,000 miles away from the clinic. They have money. Go!

I'm not sure whether these are cute, or material evidence to be sent to PETA. You make the call.

Big Ten Fans And Their Pets [Big Ten Network]

Even if you like conference tournaments as much as I do, this might still seem a little early to be talking about March Madness. But seriously, think about it; if this weren't one of those random leap years, it would be March right now, right? But the main reason we're going to talk tournament today is because we might very well have our first NCAA tournament entrant by the time we head off to bed tonight.

Now, as Deadspin readers, I know you're probably already aware that the Ivy League doesn't have a tournament, but rather gives their auto-bid to the regular-season champ. And you probably also know that Cornell has powered through the genius league with a perfect 10-0 mark, and a pretty stellar 18-5 overall record. The numbers are simple enough that even this public-school grad can understand them: Brown, the closest challenger to Cornell, has three losses. It was swept by Cornell, and there are four games left in the Ivy season. Ergo (Get a load of me! I said Ergo!), if the Teddy Bears knock off Dartmouth (9-15) tonight, they get the first bid.

Let's look at the Big Red via the incisive medium of bullet-points:

• Cornell hasn't lost since January 6th, at Duke. That's a twelve-game winning streak.
• The Big Red lost four road games: at Ohio, Bucknell, Syracuse, and Duke. Then there was the mystifying loss at home to Colgate. Honestly, ask the average American, and they'd probably be surprised to find out Colgate and Cornell were different schools.
• Their win streak includes the requisite victory over NJIT, in Newark. The Highlanders scored less than any other team that played Cornell this season. Their 33 was even less than the 46 put up by non-DI visitor Alvernia College.
• Cornell is led by 6'6" Ryan Wittman (15 ppg) and 5'11" Louis Dale (12.7 ppg), but it also sports a legit seven-footer in the person of Jeff Foote, a senior transfer from St. Bonaventure. I hear he can weld the hell out of anything you got.
• The last time Cornell made the Big Dance was in 1988, as a 16 seed. It was blown out 90-50 by Arizona, which eventually made the Final Four.
• Cornell is the Big Red. Dartmouth is the Big Green. It's going to be like Christmas all up in here.

Sadly, there will be no national television coverage of this event.

[The Cornell Basketball Blog]

• Louisville 90-Notre Dame 85. Harangody had 40 points and 12 rebounds, but the Cardinals put the kibosh on Kyle McAlarney to earn the win, holding the superb shooter to 3-of-14 shooting on the night, and just 1-8 from his beloved three-point line. Bizarrely enough, Harangody himself hit for 75% from behind the arc. David Padgett paced the home team with 26 points. Louisville is now tied with Georgetown atop the Big East, and the Irish fall 1 ½ games back.

• Wisconsin 57-Michigan State 42. Goran Suton went for 14 and 15, but his Spartans fell in Madison, allowing Wisconsin to claim a share of the Big Ten regular-season title.

• Butler 66-Wright State 61. This win officially gives the Horizon's #1 seed to Butler, which means that, barring an early exit by the Bulldogs, the road to the NCAA auto-bid goes through Hinkle.

• USC 70-Arizona 58. Here comes that crazy Strength of Schedule debate again. The Wildcats played everybody, but didn't beat enough of them. So does that make them a good team for the NCAA's, or does it prove that they can't handle the competition? On the other hand, maybe the Arizona football team should sign that kid who winged the water bottle at Tim Floyd.

The Weekender

Tonight

• Dartmouth (9-15) at Cornell (18-5). I'm going to have to preview the hell out of Cornell until March 8th, when the next bids go out.

• Niagara (18-8) at Siena (17-10). The winner of this game gets to break the three-team 11-5 logjam in the MAAC standings and join Loyola (MD) at the top of the heap.

Saturday

• Georgetown (23-4) at Marquette (21-6). If Marquette wins this home game, Louisville sits alone atop the Big East. I'm going to let that sink in for a minute...

• Washington State (21-6) at Stanford (22-4). Both teams are in, so this is for seeding.

• St. Mary's (24-4) at Gonzaga (22-6). Winner takes top seed in the WCC tournament.

• Kansas State (18-9) at Kansas (25-3). Take these last few chances to watch Michael Beasley and Brandon Rush, friends. You owe it to yourself.

Sunday

• Kentucky (16-10) at Tennessee (25-3). Will this be another 40-point thrashing for the Wildcats, or will they finally stamp their ticket to ride?

• Indiana (24-4) at Michigan State (22-6). Wisconsin has claimed their share of the Big Ten title, will Indiana make them slice that pie?

• UCLA (24-3) at Arizona (17-11). Want to hit Ben Howland with a water bottle? Go ahead, punk, make his day.

Eric Angevine writes about College Basketball for Storming the Floor and CAAZone. He can be reached at stormingthefloor@gmail.com.

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him to let him know what you think.

One of the best columns I read yesterday while prepping myself for March Madness minutiae was one that only had a tenuous connection to this here whole basketball thing. It's by a woman named Liz H. Kelly titled "How to Score More "Love Hoops" During March Madness," which outlines how singles can make the most out of all the bracket-filing and bar-hopping to score themselves a date. Some of you may have seen this column because Yahoo had it on its front page for a whole 20 minutes about 11 p.m. last night, or some of you may have caught it while trolling the Yahoo Personals looking for that special someone, or, better, that special someone to masturbate to via email. Whichever the reason, those of you who did read it were probably inspired to use this weekend's basketball overload to your romantic advantage.

Ladies, keep this in the front of your mind as you're scanning the scoreboard to find out if your team won. So sayeth Love Dr. Kelly:

"Why not change your profile introductory line to say something about your favorite team? You might try, B-ball or Bust, Go Terps! Or The Eyes of March Madness. You can also search on sports terms, and then send emails to singles about their b-ball passions..."

Hmm ... sounds like a plan? I mean, guys LIKE sports. Guys really want a lady who LIKES sports. And, personally, if I received a random flirty email from "B-ball or Bust" inquiring about my "b-ball passions," well, I think that's a woman I'd like to get to know a little better, perhaps during a candlelight dinner and a carriage ride. Then we'd go nude dancing in the rain and lay down in a pasture and make gentle love under the wandering steer...

And, dudes, you too can reel in a lucky lassie this weekend if you comport yourselves appropriately:

"Men can advance by giving studly responses to bold female moves. If a woman approaches you in a bar or sends you an email online, make a bet on the game, dazzle them with trivia, buy them a drink - If the chemistry is there, go for it!"

Somewhere, Howie Schwab is purchasing himself a new bottle of English Leather and rehearsing his delivery: "You know, Oregon actually won the whole tournament in 1939 and at that time they were known as the 'Tall Firs' ..."

So, this week, I'm polishing up my Whispers4U profile, re-reading The Rules and placing odds on some of the other people you'll be able to score a "love hoop" with this weekend.

Wink with me, after this jump.

The Pudgy Office Manager: 1/1

Usually marked by her dowdy wardrobe, cheery disposition and canned enthusiasm about her co-workers' birthdays/engagements/childbirths, she lives for any kind of activity that gives her a reason to communicate with as many people in the office as possible on a non-work related basis. This single lady most likely has pictures of her nieces and nephews covering every inch of empty cork board or monitor space, and she's a big fan of hand-crafted broaches. (Today, she's probably wearing either a coaster-sized Bedazzled shamrock or a leprechaun made from green yarn, a popsicle stick, and a peanut.)

She's also the woman who's much too excited for her placement in the office pool at this point. If she's in the top five, she'll send out a mass email to all employees all over the country, usually with lots of exclamation marks. However, she's also picked a team with some kind of local ties (cousin attended the university, college under 50 miles from birthplace) to win it all, so this public celebration will be brief. But her disappointment will be temporary as well, because you know, there's always an open table at the Cheesecake Factory you can take her to tonight. Make her yours.

Low-Hanging Fruit Girls: 1/2

Yeeeeah! They got up at 6 a.m. to get on the Leprechaun Express and plan to rally all weekend until they can't see straight. They'll just keep screaming every time the rest of the bar does during the second round games. They'll be easily distracted, so make sure you keep buying them drinks, lest one of their girlfriends they came with, whom they haven't seen in 15 minutes, comes up behind them — then you'll be witness to a wobbly embrace between the two and possibly be forgotten. Also, watch out if Journey comes on, but if you're willing to sing "Don't Stop Believin' " in public, then you might have a shot. The real test is when she'll drag you out to the dance floor with only 58 seconds left during a tie game because the DJ is playing "Good Googly Moogly" upstairs. Hope that thang is juicy.

Hyper-Aggressive Meathead: 1/3

Baseball hats and braided belts used to be their calling cards, but this guy's advanced a bit since the Co-Ed Naked Volleyball T-shirt days. Now, he's all black tee shirts, pomade and LiveStrong bracelets. Sure, he'd love to chat you up and buy you a Miller Lite, in between yelling at the television screen just because somebody got called for a cheap foul. And you know, one of his buddies has a lot of money on this game. If his team is winning, well, shit, he'd like to buy you and your friends a shot. Enjoy that Jager Bomb. And another. That way you won't feel that violated when he starts making out with you and not-so-subtly sticks his hand down the back of your pants to check for your whale's tail.

Russell Pleasant: 1/4

Last year's ESPN NCAA Tournament Challenge winner has a bigger bank account and a newly minted expertise about March Madness, thanks to his victory in last year's pool. Russell beat out over 3 million other people thanks to his soothsayer-like abilities in selecting George Mason to make the Final Four. Sure, he's married, has five kids and lives in Omaha, but a brother's gotta eat. So, this year, ladies, head over to the Fifteen 07 Club in downtown Omah,a and you'll see Russell The Chocolate Love Muscle cold-kicking it live with his former Omega Thi Phi crew and capitalizing on his amateur bracketologist status. Joe Lunardi? That muthafucka ain't shee-yit.

If you're like us, your NCAA pool bracket already resembles an acre of burning tires, and it's only Thursday. So why not head over to a version of March Madness you actually have a chance to win? At Band Madness, there's a 512-team field (the bracket is pretty impressive, actually; although we wonder what Jim Cooke would have done with it), and they're still playing the first round; Radiohead just won a laugher over Staind.

A whole bunch of matchups were decided on the last day of voting, but none was closer than Tool's victory over Lou Reed by only 16 votes in a matchup where 2558 total votes were cast. Jethro Tull came from behind to beat Muse by only 21 votes, blink-182 held off Supertramp by 36 votes, and a constantly-changing matchup between My Chemical Romance and Ween ended with My Chemical Romance pulling away by 90.

Damn Supertramp never could play defense. As far as upcoming games go, we are intrigued by this afternoon's tussle between Built to Spill and the Scissor Sisters. Hmm, we wonder who Majerus picked?

Bracket A Wrapup [Band Madness]

(For the record, we are APPALLED that The Beta Band is losing to Phil Collins.)

That seems like overkill. How am I supposed to fit 127 games on one bracket sheet? There would be entire conferences making the field. This is insane. If they add 64 games and an additional week or two to the basketball tournament, and still insist that a playoff in football is impossible, I'm going to have to fight NCAA president Myles Brand.

There are other coaches who want to expand the field, but not quite as drastically; and there are some (thankfully) who don't want any expansion at all. At least a portion of the motivation appears to be that additional postseason appearances could help more coaches save their jobs.

And if Will had to do another .pdf file with facts about 128, I think it might kill him.

NCAA to weigh expanding basketball tourney [Yahoo! News]

South Carolina's the only team left who can force another bubble team out, which means that the 'Cocks haven't been this hated since the last Lesbian Pride march. But the good news for you bubble team fans is that Florida is the #14 team in the country, they outscore their opponents by 15 points a game, they're on a 4-game winning streak, and they've lost just six games all year. Of course, two of those were to South Carolina. So... nevermind. You're probably screwed.

A handy championship game viewing guide for today:

SEC: South Carolina @ Florida, 1 pm, CBS
ACC: Boston College @ Duke, 1 pm, ESPN
Southland: Sam Houston State @ Northwestern State, 2 pm, ESPN2
Big 12: Kansas @ Texas, 3 pm, ESPN
Big 10: Iowa @ Ohio State, 3:30 pm, CBS

Just a few short hours until you become a slave to the bracket.

"Thought you'd be interested to know that this sunday's NYTBR has a highly enjoyable takedown of John Feinstein by Jay Jennings - a review of his new book LAST DANCE that contains such choice lines as:

"full of lazy banalities... and sloppy factual mistakes (...despite the rampant Dukist slant, he misidentifies the University's president...)"

"But most inexcusable is his self-plagiarism, recycling between new covers tired stories he's told us before."

"Feinstein is not just a woeful writer; he's a woeful writer who repeats himself."

"Feinstein's latest and lamest shows a disdain for intelligent sports-minded readers..."

and, playing off his earlier note that this is Feinstein's third book with "Last" in the title: "Is it too much to hope that 'Last Dance' might be not just Feinstein's last 'Last' book but his last book?"

Nice."