From an email sent to Georgia's athletic director:

In the wake of the untimely death of the University of Georgia's (UGA) bulldog mascot, Uga VII, PETA has asked the school's athletic director, Damon M. Evans, to replace the mascot with an animatronic dog—or to rely solely on a costumed mascot—instead of using another real bulldog. Bulldogs are prone to breathing difficulties, hip dysplasia, heart disorders, and other congenital ailments, and acquiring a dog from a breeder perpetuates the animal overpopulation crisis while causing another dog waiting in an animal shelter to be condemned to death.

"It is time for the university to put an end to the cycle of suffering endured by dogs who are brought into the world solely to represent the school's 'brand'," says PETA Assistant Director Kristie Phelps. "By choosing a humane alternative to the use of live animals as school mascots, UGA can show that compassion always wins."

So, let's summarize. Let's stop plucking bulldogs from anonymity to live a pampered life where they receive all the attention and care they could ever need, because they have a ton of defects. It's almost as if PETA would love to do away with bulldogs altogether, perhaps eliminating them in some sort of Doggie Dachau. In fact, it sounds like PETA doesn't love animals very much at all.

Let's leave aside the suggestion of sticking with a costumed student, which is more inhumane than any puppy mill, and concentrate on this robot dog idea. It is madness. If Georgia's teams were perhaps named the "robotic bulldogs," they'd have an argument. But Uga VIII should come from a long line of dogs who lived hard, and died heroes.

Would schools replace our players with robots because football isn't good for their health? Would Yale opt for a robotic coach who plays the percentages and punts on 4th-and-22? Bad example, but my point is that I've seen a lot of movies about robots, and they rarely end well for humanity.

PETA: Replace UGA VII With a Robot [WGAU]

Why is that dog so ugly? Because he's not really a dog. "Boxer is a 60-pound bronze statue. The part-dog, part-dragon idol is much like good luck statues found outside homes in China for good luck." He's named after the Boxer Rebellion (#14 on the list of World's Most Fun Rebellions) and turning him into a friendly foam-built creature does not make him more cuddly. At least this is one mascot who can actually strike fear into opponents. And small children. And pets.

After Two Years, Pacific Tennis Returns Home [Photo via GoBoxers.com]

* * * * *

Another Friday, another job done. You've got two baseball games tonight, then I'll be back tomorrow to learn about this thing called "college football." I hear it's quite interesting. Barry Petchesky on Sunday, I believe. Won't you please join us?

But first....sleep. If you dare.

This foam-feathered creature was actually the "winner" of an insane contest of wills and he shall now represent all Red Storm teams, if they do in fact exist. He is both playful and hostile, supportive and vengeful. He is angry, loud, and has access to a time machine. Most importantly he is not racist!

He also doesn't have a name, but there will be a second contest for students to vote him one. The choices:

• "Johnny"
• "Bolt"
• "Spirit"
• "Stormy"
• "Surge"

Whatever he is eventually dubbed, it sadly won't matter because at the unveiling ceremony last week, he was stabbed in the heart by a bitter fencing student.

"Johnny Spirit Surge" will be missed.

The Bird Is The Word! St. John's Rolls Out New Thunderbird Mascot [Red Storm Sports]

* * * * *

Well, I gotta go. Joe Buck Live is on tonight, so I should really get a nap in before the semen jokes start flying. (Pun very intended!) Barry P. will hold your hand through this evening's crisis. Thank you for continued support of Deadspin. You're all a Captain Kirk to me.

Since it's very difficult to anthropomorphize wind, the Golden Hurricanes have experimented with various versions of what is now known as "Captain 'Cane." At a press conference today, the latest iteration of the Captain's look was unveiled to a very light smattering of applause. He's blue, he's muscular, he carries some sort of lightning sword (not as cool as it sounds) and he has male pattern baldness. Sadly, this is an improvement on the previous waffle-headed abomination.

Best of all, he has a comic book and a backstory. Behold:

The Captain ‘Cane story goes like this...Colin Cane, a freshman at The University of Tulsa, worked in IT support at night to help pay his way through college. During an electrical storm one night, Colin was called to the TU sports complex to fix a malfunctioning satellite that was broadcasting a live game. Never again would he watch his favorite team in action as a mere mortal. As he adjusted the satellite, the roar of the crowd coursed through the transmitter just as it was zapped with static electricity from the storm. Colin became entangled in a web of cyber-athletic forces. The atmospheric oddity known as a "binary vortex" mutated Colin over the course of several years. He eventually lost his hair but gained super-human powers. Thus he became Captain ‘Cane, a champion athlete and highly educated zealot of all things TU.

I guess Louie The Lightning Bug was booked.

TU's Mascot Gets A New Look [KOTV]

* * * * *

Well, the wolf is hungry so it's time to call it a day. Dolphins-Colts on MNF tonight. Oh, but the "Two and A Half Men" season premiere is also on! Gahhh! Why must you vex me so, TV gods?

The NBA D-League has done it again! The Maine Red Claws unveiled their new mascot this weekend (at a baseball game, of course) and he bears a striking resemblance to another booster from the same league. In fact, I think all they did was take Fort Wayne's Mad Ant and replace his hands with claws. Bingo! It's Crusher! (Click the image to fully experience the terror.)

So now folks on the East Coast can also be haunted by a horrific vision of their own death anytime they attend a minor league basketball game, just like their Midwest brethren. I just hope that in their sweat-soaked heat visions they don't try to pry open Crusher's appendages and feast on the sweet—but evil!—meat inside. (Don't forget the melted butter!) Although at this point, I think Crusher is more likely to eat you.

And yes, his dunking needs a little work, but that's why he is a D-League mascot.

CRUSHER SET FREE AT HADLOCK [Central Maine Sports Blog]
NBA Development League: Crusher [NBA]

* * * * *

Monday morning. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

To be fair, Colonels fans are having trouble deciding if the new and improved school mascot looks more like a Nazi or a Communist. But it does seem clear that his aim is to smash liberty and put American slaves under the heel of his jackboot. I guess that does make him just a smidge more fearsome than a former governor of Louisiana who merely wanted blacks to know their place.

The school actually paid someone $30,000 to create this updated "Colonel Tillou" mascot and bring Nicholls State squarely into the 1930s. (Behold the power of focus groups.) They dropped the previous white-bearded, gray-suited Confederate in 2004 after the NAACP pointed out that slavery was wrong. Fortunately, there aren't many pro-Cossack organizations in Louisiana so the New Tillou might be here for awhile.

At least they didn't go with what many of the students wanted—the nutria, an invasive, semi-aquatic rodent. Unless maybe the rodent wanted to invade Poland?

New ‘Tillou' has detractors, supporters [Thibodaux Daily Comet]
New Nicholls mascot has many alumni up in arms [New Orleans Times-Picayune]

That's Egor, the Manly Sea Eagle, and he more than held his own during a recent sideline dust-up. The dooshbag who came out of the stands and sucker punched Egor, got in quite a few headshots. Unfortunately, he was punching a giant foam head.

The fans love it, the players love it, and we bet Egor got some sweet feather action from the lady birds that night.

Manly Sea Eagle Mascot brawling [YouTube]

No, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys hasn't been anthropomorphized into a giant inflatable mascot ... yet. But we have a gut feeling that the spirit of the big guy is always hovering over training camp. Just a subtle reminder that no matter where you go, no matter what you do, Jerry Jones is there. and he is watching.

In case you're wondering, that's H.E. Buddy. He's a talking grocery bag that kids are not at all creeped out by.

Speaking of creepy, have you ever actually read the words to the University of Texas alma mater?

The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the live long day.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away.
Do not think you can escape them,
At night, or early in the morn'.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
Till Gabriel blows his horn!

Yikes. I think you should get a restraining order against Texas.

* * * * *

It's Thursday. Power up and let's do this thing.

The game is Saturday, and it looks like Sussex County Cricket Club will be without its mascot, Sid the Shark, because Lord's bans fancy dress. (Got that?) There's even a makeshift petition to let Sid into Lords. Yep, that's right: Hawks are trying to prevent shark discrimination at a cricket match, because the wee tykes are paralyzingly sad.

Harry Gape, 11, of Eastbourne, added: "It is so unfair. Sid is great fun and everyone will miss him if they don't change their minds.

"Sid is not like the vicious shark in Jaws, he is really friendly and has never bitten anyone."

Poor little kid. He just doesn't understand that Lords is simply scared of a shark changing the complexion of their club.

Lord's shark mascot ban attacked [BBC]
Lord's in Shark attack! [Sussex Cricket Club]

For years, sports teams at W&M were known as the Indians, and later the Tribe, which is actually fair because the first iteration of the school was destroyed by angry Native Americans. A mere 400 years later, in a fit of poetic justice, the NCAA declared such nicknames to be wrong, so the school is taking suggestions for a new giant-headed foam costume to rally all the troops around. (The Tribe nickname will actually stay, but the feathered Indian logo has to go.)

The best suggestion so far: Asparagus, because when you cover it with cheese it matches the school colors. It also makes your pee smell funny, which should help the swimming and diving teams tremendously. Other, less interesting suggestions include: a beech tree, jester, Spartan (taken!), a sad bumble bee, and the mythical Phoenix. I guess a swishy, inbred monarch and his boring wife just don't inspire people anymore.

The deadline for submissions is tomorrow, which is also when athletic director Terry Driscoll will appear on First Take, presumably so Skip Bayless can yell at him about mascot enhancing headgear.

A Mascot for William & Mary [W&M]
William & Mary to change mascot…considering certain vegetable side dishes [Steady Burn]
Asparagus among nominations for William & Mary's new mascot [SI]

This is a family website, as you know, so perhaps it would be best to let Babelfish Translator explain what you're seeing in this video:

The predator took a t-shirt with the colors that characterize to the Cúcuta stepped on, it and it passed soon it through a nonpublishable sector, inconveniencing to motilones.

Man, I hate when that happens. However, as this second accompanying video shows below, that's just Willie being Willie. The shark likes to rub his nonpublishable sector on a lot of things. Girls, grass, goal nets, other inflatable mascots, small dogs. It seems to be causing a lot of consternation among serious news people who speak weird foreign languages. What is to be done about Willie's hump happy ways? At long last, Mr. Inflatable Land Shark, have you no decency?

But seriously, the kids love him.

The inflatable shark is humping everything [Dirty Tackle, via No Guts, No Glory]

One unfortunate—possibly drunk or high—student found out the hard way yesterday when he slugged the Fordham Ram in a campus cafeteria, knocking him to the ground and knocking off his giant fake head. It was then that the unfortunate puncher realized that the man inside the costume was quite large and about to throw a few punches himself. The original fighter fled, but did not get far. The mascot took off his costume, chased the man out on to the quad, and cold-cocked him good.

Hundreds of bewildered students enjoying the warm weather saw a man dressed in Fordham athletics gear jump over the fence and sprint straight to the middle of Eddie's, followed by several cafeteria workers. He approached a Fordham student and, with one sickening punch to the face, knocked him to the ground.....

One side of the student's face turned an ugly shade of purple. When Carroll went to restrain him, he resisted, pleading to be allowed to go back to his room. Many witnesses suspected the student was under the influence of alcohol or drugs. When Carroll and other security personnel tried to put him in a security vehicle, he resisted more violently, and security tried to put handcuffs on him. The mascot stood quietly and agreed to go to the hospital calmly. Both were eventually taken to the hospital.

Yes, there are a lot of non-specific pronouns in there, even for a college newspaper, but I think the message is clear: Don't get drunk and fool around with sheep. The good news is that it was the biggest victory for the Fordham athletic department in 10 years.

Student Tussles with Fordham Mascot [The Ram]

Here are four of the six candidates — there's also a bird and a dog — from which to choose in the poll at the Red Storm athletic site. The winner will replace Thunder, who was humanely destroyed in the recent past; himself replacing the Red Tuxedo Guy, and before that Chief Blackjack, who reigned until they switched over from the Redmen to the Red Storm in 1994. Anyone I'm missing?

Clearly what's needed here is an unofficial student mascot, as seen to hilarious effect at Dartmouth. Get on that, kids.

Perhaps they should just let Lance Stephenson pick the mascot.

St. John's Mascot Search [Red Storm Sports]

Jonathan "Shu-Fry" Strange won the honor of being the Stanford Tree, and will begin his term in the spring, taking over for current tree Patrick Fortune, a junior from Fresno. He has quite a legacy to live up to.

In keeping with the secretive tendencies of the Band and the Tree, Strange declined to describe all of his stunts in order to keep the intrigue alive. His largest and final stunt had him dressed up in a gorilla suit as "Shu Kong" and chased around by his friends with torches and pitchforks. Against a backdrop of machine fog and red lights, he was "captured" by the angry mob and welded into a cage ball that he had constructed earlier.

Witness the glory of Tree Week.

The Mascot Is Strange [The Stanford Daily]
An Interview With Stanford's Tree [Los Angeles Times]