I'm writing to report an incident that happened to me on the subway today. At approximately 9:30am on the D train going between Atlantic-Pacific St. and Grand St. (right before the Manhattan Bridge), I awoke to the sight of a man masturbating on my arm.

I was napping with my iPod on, and I woke up because I felt something repeatedly hitting and rubbing up to my arm. When I looked down, I saw an uncircumcised penis being masturbated right on top of my arm. Luckily, he hadn't finished yet. (Though the police mentioned that it would have been better to have DNA evidence. Ew.) I immediately screamed something like "OH MY GOD, GET OFF OF ME YOU SICK MOTHERFUCKER!"

At that point, the man mumbled something like "sorry" and walked quickly through the crowd to the other side of the train. I was stunned that no one tried to stop him, and even shifted to let him through. I screamed again "DID ANYONE SEE THAT? THAT ASSHOLE WAS MASTURBATING ON ME!"

No one did anything. No one saw his penis, because my arm was covering it.

So I took my camera-phone out and went after him. He had taken a seat more towards the front of the carriage and pretended to be asleep. I snapped these two pictures of him (attached). And then when I was done, I screamed again "I'VE GOT YOUR PICTURE NOW, YOU SICK FUCK. I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU TO THE POLICE!" Of course, this got the attention of everyone around us and everyone was staring at us except the pervert who was still pretending to be asleep. There was no way he didn't hear me. So I went back to my seat.

Later I did report him to the police, and am still waiting to hear back.

Submitted by Alice

So there you have at. Think twice before masturbating on Alice's arm while she sleeps.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. DL:FKJDLFKJDF:LJKFDL:JK

According to the intrepid Chad Bower of WWL-TV in New Orleans, Saints wide receiver Biren Ealy and tight end Kolomona Kapanui were arrested at around 1:30 this morning on charges of obscenity and disturbing the peace after they were spotted taking a leak in a parking lot. Fortunately for all of us, it didn't stop there:

Two women drove up to the two players and told them to stop, Fortunato said. Ealy, 24, then turned around, exposing himself in the process, and began making lewd comments, Fortunato said. After that Kapanui, 25, turned around and exposed himself as well; Fortunato said he was "fondling himself" and was making lewd comments.

The two women began yelling for help and called 911, Fortunato said.

Several questions come to mind.

1) What were the women wanting help with, exactly?
2) Why didn't the players just run away when the women started yelling?
3) What are the chances either of them are still on the Saints' roster at this time tomorrow?

This sounds like a case for Carl Monday.

Two Saints players arrested for urinating in public [WWL-TV]

A 22-year-old Franklin man was arrested and charged Tuesday night with indecent exposure after employees at Jo-Ann Fabrics & Crafts on Mallory Lane told police he was exposing himself to customers and masturbating in the store, according to a news release.

Ryan M. Drop also was charged with marijuana possession after Franklin police searched his vehicle.

We do share the lament of White Sox fans, who now must go through the same (or similar, anyway) torment as Ohio State fans did when Mr. Cooper did his filthy little business. Though, considering that shirt, maybe he really was looking for fabric.

Man Arrested For Indecent Exposure At Crafts Store [Dickson Herald]

(Thanks to monster commenting intern Rob Iracane for the heads-up on this.)

We know, it's a week-and-a-half old now, but we never did get a hold of YouTube of the gripping finale of the Carl Monday-Mike Cooper saga, and it has been nagging us, since we this whole thing started from YouTube anyway.

Well, someone finally posted it, and though the sound quality leaves a bit to be desired — anybody else out there able to put 'er up? — you'll get the gist. We feel we should probably let you all know that we have put interview requests into both Carl Monday and Mike Cooper repeatedly over the last month, and have been turned down in both regards. We don't suppose we can blame either one.

One Final Monday-Cooper Explosion ... Be Ready [Deadspin]
The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

(UPDATE: We've put a new video with better audio.)

So remember how Hall of Fame commenter Jimbo went by the courthouse for masturbating lonely mustached man Mike Cooper's sentencing? He did good work, but the real finale of this sordid tale was yet to come. Because, as MJD told you Saturday, Carl Monday was indeed there, and he caused one last ruckus. And oh boy, it was a ruckus.

If you haven't seen it yet, the video is right here, and it honestly rivals the first video in pure lunacy. We really can't describe it: You just have to see it. It's not on YouTube yet — can anybody make that happen? — but heavens, you can't really prepare yourself.

Library Porn Viewer Sentenced [WKYC]

(By the way, there's a movement afoot among Deadspin commenters — codenamed "Operation Monday Night Moustache" — to somehow make Carl Monday pay for what is now just cruel warfare. We can't officially endorse such an endeavor ... but we do encourage everyone to look into it.)

Some facts:

• He is a graduate of Kent State University, which makes him a "Golden Flash."
• He has won 30 regional Emmys and was named Best TV Investigator by Cleveland Scene.
• One of the Emmy nominations came for a story called Cody The Cancer Boy.
• Monday once discovered that sometimes gay men have sex in porn booths. (Link NSFW)
• He is making the world safe for all of us. Without him, Clevelanders would be lost. It is only through him that they are saved.

All hail Carl Monday!

And, honestly: We really can't say enough about the Deadspin commenters. Just watching you guys work yesterday was an absolute honor for us. The day was pure pleasure. Thank you.

The Most Brilliant Thing You'll See All Day [Deadspin]

What did they do? They put a hidden camera in the computer room and waited for some poor sap to start "having sex with himself."

They found that man, and that man was an Ohio State fan. What happens next will change the way you see humanity. You're going to watch this and think it's some sort of sketch comedy troupe prank. It isn't.

So, you know, enjoy.

OSU Fans "Using The Library" [Every Day Should Be Saturday]

(BIG man hugs to Every Day Should Be Saturday for this. Earth cannot thank you enough.)

(UPDATE: As noted by a commenter, Carl Monday, CLEVELAND'S INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER, has a blog post about this very story. You can email him at carlmonday@wkyc.com too. Life is beautiful.)

(SECOND UPDATE: Personally, we think Carl Monday is infinitely more terrifying than our phantom masturbator, but, nevertheless, we still present our OSU fan's MySpace page. Sorry.)

(THIRD UPDATE: They've taken down the video on YouTube — JERKS! — but you can find an expanded version (yes!) right here.)

(FOURTH UPDATE: We've got the video back up from YouTube now. Also, Carl Monday has a follow-up report. Get away from us, Carl Monday!)