It's all because of these seemingly unimportant words, from the "Personal Life" section of his user-generated biography: "His father, Fred Phelps...."

Michael Phelps' father is Fred Phelps. Unless there is more than one Fred Phelps in America, that means the Olympic champion swimmer's father is the psychotic ruler of the Westboro Baptist Church, and the creator of the famous slogan and website "God Hates Fags" and its slightly lesser known campaign, "Priests Rape Boys."

This is what Fred had the say on the occasion of the death of Pope John Paul II:

Deal with it, you idolatrous morons! The pope is in Hell. Westboro Baptist Church members are competent expert witnesses, having picketed hundreds of Catholic churches in all fifty states over the past fourteen years. We will bear witness on Judgment Day: Catholics are the meanest, most violent people on Earth, and their churches are filled with filthy fag priests. On John Paul II's watch, the Catholic Church became the CHURCH OF THE HOLY PEDOPHILES and sodomite feces and semen replaced bread and wine.

Fred Phelps' best writing is a witty combination of William S. Burroughs and Skeletor, isn't it?

Anyways, that is the real 100% true reason why noted waterbug Michael "God Hates Boats" Phelps will not meet with Pervert Pope Benedict XVI, The Godfather of Pedophiles.

Now head on over to Priestsrapeboys.com and enjoy their popular music video "Your Pastor Is a Whore."

-Jim Rice's number retired at Fenway, which really should have been done without waiting for him to be elected to the HOF. But it's not the first time the Red Sox fielded a black guy only after the rest of MLB did.

-Michael Phelps loses a race! But because it's swimming, and it's not the Olympics, no one gives a shit.

-First team up in the Michael Vick sweepstakes? Your Baltimore Ravens. Second team up? No? No one?

-This is a little absurd. Mark Buehrle stayed perfect into the sixth inning, retiring an MLB-record 45 straight batters. He lost the game. Welcome to Chicago.

-Wang to have season-ending surgery. That means a temporary end to sophomoric headlines like "Wang to have season ending surgery."

-At least we still have sophomoric headlines like "Giant's Johnson has torn rotator cuff!"

-The Madden 10 soundtrack listing is in. Final score: Rock 18, hip-hop 7.

Swimming's governing body actually passed down the ban on Friday, two days before the the World Championships began in Rome. No more full bodysuits that coat you in whale oil or whatever and no fancy materials that bend space time around your thighs. However, the ruling will not take effect until 2010, giving everyone just enough time to set dozens of new, unimaginable records before the ban renders them untouchable forever.

There were eight events on day one of the Championships on Sunday, and six of them ended with new world records being set. One of the records—which had belonged to eel-man hybrid Ian Thorpe for seven years—was beaten by Germany's Paul Biedermann, who bested his own qualifying time from one month ago by 6.5 seconds. Federica Pellegrini became the first woman ever to break four minutes in the 400 freestyle race. American Ariana Kukors was an alternate in the 200 individual medley, but set the fastest time ever when her teammate scratched from the race. That makes sense right?

The rest of the week should see dozens of more records fall, thanks mostly to the super-slippery, super-buoyant suits that have become standard issue equipment. Everyone is in agreement that many of these records could never have been reached without the aid of these newfangled suits, and once they're gone, those marks may never be reached again. (At least not for many, many years. Does that mean you should learn how to use the asterisk key on your typewriter machine? Or get on a plane to Italy to catch your last opportunity to witness a world record moment? This all assumes that you care about swimming records, of course, which you probably don't because Michael Phelps is not the one breaking them.

Oh, did I mention he's terrible now? He completely changed his stroke and only came in second in his heat. Probably because of the pot.

World Records Fall, and It's Only Day 1 [NY Times]
Are these worlds making a mockery of swimming? [AP]
Michael Phelps: Turning back the page [LA Times]
Speedo not happy with FINA ruling on suits [SF Chronicle]

Since you probably have the munchies right now, why not enjoy a nice big Subway sandwich, like the ones enjoyed by your fog-brained idol? King Abdominals is back on the pitchman trail hawking those tasty, tasty hoagies and that means the Drug War is over! Oh, and pot won, thanks to Phelps' biggest endorsement of all.

Subway, however, accepted Phelps' apology and in his debut spot for the sandwich chain, the Olympian thanks the chain back. You can almost hear all the blunts lighting up in support as Sly & The Family Stone's "Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)" kicks in.

Yes, the fact that noted drug addict Michael Phelps is still allowed to sell sandwiches—to children—is proof that the United States is filled with unrepentant Harolds and Kumars who don't care that our greatest hero has destroyed his life with all manner of baked goods, simply because he shares certain physical characteristics of a dolphin. His life wasn't destroyed, and that just doesn't make sense to some people.

In other words, there were no serious consequences. To the extent that endorsement opportunities are a rough metric of how well someone in public life is liked, admired, respected, the bong-heard-round-the-world scandal might as well never have happened. With the benefit of hindsight, Kellogg execs might well be kicking themselves.

[ ... ]

What we're witnessing is the death of a certain kind of shame.

And what the world needs now is more shame. And Doritos. Seriously, are you going to eat that whole bag by yourself?

Michael Phelps ads prove a new cultural tolerance of marijuana [Los Angeles Times]
Ad of the Day: "Phleps" [Ad Week]

Okay, everyone undershot their answer. There are actually TWO times we care about swimming news:

(1) The Olympics

(2) If Michael Phelps grows that.

This wouldn't be a full-service sports blog if I omitted that the well-sculpted merman and American won the 200-meter butterfly at the Santa Clara Grand Prix last night with an impressive time of aw crap I already lost everyone's attention again.

Pool Manchu [Gawker]

* * * * *

So it's just you and me today. And that guy over there, who seems like he slept here last night. Just ignore him, even if he asks for spare change. We've got a lot of space to fill from now until the basketball game Enchantment Under The Sea Dance tonight, and I have a massive horde of word plays I've been saving for you guys. Show me your tips, and I'll find some beads for you in return. For those about to blog... FIRE!

Two Wins for Phelps in Return to Racing [New York Times]

Phelps is in North Carolina today for the Charlotte Ultraswim, his first competitive event since he took all the gold medals from those dirty Chinee men. He will compete in five events, three of which he did not enter in Beijing. He'll even try a revolutionary new straight-arm stroke in the 100 freestyle, which is super fucking exciting, right?

Ok ... let's be honest. No one gives shit about swimming—not even Michael Phelps. Has anyone ever covered the Charlotte Ultraswim before today? Of course not. But Americans do like two things—winning gold medals and smoking the chronic. And business is good, thanks to Mr. Michael M.F.in' Phelps. That South Carolina bong was the best thing that ever happened to this sport. No one was actually upset or offended by it, but we'll pretend that we are because there's one other thing that we like ... redemption stories. And he couldn't come back, if he hadn't first have his tragic fall.

So put on your goggles and turn up the Ghostface, because things are about to get nuts. I wish I was in a pool right now!

Refreshed Phelps Set to Compete [Washington Post]
Swimmer Mary DeScenza Mounts Comeback After Missing Cut for Beijing [NY Times]
Re-inventing the best swimmer in the world [Swim Network]

Some people might consider this trashy tabloid journalism, but you know the source is credible because the paper interviewed her in a hot pink teddy. (Don't worry; she takes it off eventually. Links NSFW.) Theresa White claims she met Phelps at the club where she works as an exotic dancer and he invited her and a few friends back to his house for drinks and online poker. It was around then that she casually inquired about the menage a trois and thus began the three-hour, three-way sex romp. Everybody wins!

More highlights: According to Theresa, Phelps....

• Still loves the dope and got a little doughy during his suspension from the pool

• Is addicted to gambling and wants to become a pro poker player

• Is an emotional basketcase who cries like a baby "at the drop of a hat"

• Doesn't tip well and blows most of his strip club money on alcohol

• Is paranoid about cell phone cameras (Gee, I wonder why?)

• Huge mamma's boy, obvs

• Chews tobacco non-stop and has filled his house with spittoons. Amazing.

Anyway, aside from the spitting and the cheapness, Theresa says she would be happy to remain "sex buddies" with Mr. Phelps, but that his mother would not approve. I'm sure this interview will help smooth things over. Finally, props again to the News of the World (who broke the original Phelps pot-smoking story) for their phenomenal use of punnage that puts the New York Post and Daily News to (drug) shame.

"Medalled My Bongs" works on so many levels.

Michael Phelps had threesome with lapdancer Theresa White and stripper friend [News Of The World; some NSFW images]

You may recall that Carrie Prejean of San Diego caused a bit of a tempest with her Miss USA beauty pageant comments on gay marriage. The bible-thumping may have cost her the crown, but it hasn't scared off Phelps, who is reportedly "casually dating" miss Prejean.

Her grandmother Jeanette Coppolla confirmed to RadarOnline.com exclusively that the beauty queen has been casually dating Olympian Michael Phelps. "Carrie and Michael have been out to baseball games and lunch," Coppolla said. "He always calls her when he is in town and they go out. Carrie knows that he has dated a lot of girls but she enjoys going out with him and isn't serious about being in a relationship with him," she added. "He's a nice guy and she likes him."

I can picture them at lunch; her laughing as she flips chunks of mackerel into his open mouth, him tenderly reading her passages from the Defense of Marriages Act. Sorry, was that mean?

Miss California Dating Michael Phelps [Radar]
Miss California 'Casually Dating' Michael Phelps [USA Today]

The men of On The DL discussed an interesting theory that popped up in January soon after the photo hit the News Of The World. It involves a message board poster named "Wswilli3" on the Phish-centric "Phantasy Tour" message board who on January 9th — weeks before the photo was made public — posted this:

My buddies took bomb rips with michael phelps last fall in Columbia, sc. One of them took a picture on his iPhone. His brother is a small time actor in LA, whose publicist said the pic was worth seven figures. Didn't sell it bc of karma and didn't want to be a rat. The kid will inherit WAY more than that so he doesn't need it. If it was me, consider it sold.

And in the humorous, totally spaced-out "Duuuuude, I TOLD YOU..."-way possible, "Willi3" returned the day after it was published to inform his fellow Phish heads that, yes, thatwasthephotoIwastalkingaboutman...!

d who goes to south carolina. Has had the picture for months on his phone, not knowing what to do with it. I started a thread on here a few months ago when the picture was taken. Apparently he lost his phone Friday night in Charleston. I haven't heard from him but talked to many of my buds who go to SC and they are all freaking out. I know he was offered 50,000 for the pic but couldn't bring himself to sell it. He is already set to inherit WAY more than that so he didn't need the cash. Swear to god this is true, just don't know who released the pic but it is he EXACT one that was/is on his phone. He was blazing with him.

Karma is swift.

Spaced Out Willi3 swears his buddy's phone was ganked (not his fault! Karma, man! Karma!) soon after the incident and then, miraculously, the photo appeared in a British tabloid after large sums of money were exchanged. But there is a theory that maybe it was Willi3's fault — that his descriptions of the party and the friend who took the photo were enough for one opportunistic Game Cock to know which phone to steal in order to collect the blood-bong money.

And the one lesson learned from all of this? Don't befriend Phish fans. They're like gypsies.

Friday April 10 [On The DL]

Michael Phelps still has about a month left on his career-crippling (yeah, right) three-month ban from competition that he received for being completely normal for one night—and he's going to make the most of it. The New York gossip pages are filled with his "boy millionaire on the town" exploits this week, where he hit the club scene with his posse, his cocktail waitress girlfriend (it's love!) and a whole lot of premium vodka.

The Olympian, who has been laying relatively low since his bong-smoking scandal in January, was out in full force Tuesday night at NYC hot spot Marquee.

"Michael was definitely having a good time," an eyewitness tells us. "He was drinking straight from a bottle of Grey Goose, and when the deejay started playing M.I.A.'s 'Paper Planes,' he got up, started dancing like a loon and kept on yelling, 'Shots!'"

Phelps definitely had enough alcohol on hand for several rounds - he'd ordered four bottles of vodka.

In addition, the athlete skeeved out onlookers when he persisted in PDA-ing with his girlfriend, cocktail waitress Caroline (Caz) Pal.

"They wouldn't stop making out! They were literally sucking face, and not caring that anyone was watching," says our snitch, who added that Phelps danced up such a storm that he briefly went shirtless, changing out of his T-shirt in the club and putting on a zip-up hoodie with nothing underneath.

Later, he got snubbed by Hasheem Thabeet—when did he suddenly become the Fonz?—which has to be the most humiliating moment of his life. But he obviously drowned his sorrows in some sticky sweet herbal medicine if another completely anonymous spy can be believed. (And I think they can.)

Olympic champion Michael Phelps is back in the swim of the party scene, arriving at Club Tenjune in New York at 2 a.m. Wednesday. There was Kettle One vodka on his table but we're still not sure what type of drink was in his hand. But we DEFINITELY know what that smell was in the air — the same thing that got him busted in Bong Gate! Looks like the swim king learned his lesson because he wasn't smoking anything, choosing instead to dance on a couch

Oh, he's learned his lesson all right. If only he could get banned from competition every month.

Michael Phelps dives into New York City club scene [NY Daily News, via Gawker]
Exclusive: Michael Phelps Back on Party Scene; What's That Smell? [Radar Online]
Phelps is riding out the turbulent waters [San Diego Union Tribune]

Kellogg's, one of the many corporations to tell Phelps to get out and stay out as their spokesman after his love of bongs and frat parties hit the media, had to have somewhere to get rid of all the cereal boxes adorned with his likeness. Nicaragua is already teeming with Patriots 19-0 t-shirts; it's not taking the Frosted Flakes as well.

So suddenly boxes and boxes of the stuff began showing up at the San Francisco food bank, as columnist C.W. Nevius reports in his Chronicle column today.

Kellogg's isn't actually saying that it dumped the cereal boxes on food banks — a spokesman for the cereal company did not return a call — but it is a logical conclusion. For starters, said San Francisco Food Bank executive director Paul Ash, it has become unusual for companies to offer cereal. "It's a very tough item to get," Ash said. "In the last six or eight years, it's become very hard to get ahold of."

So Phelps' indiscriminate Mary Jane toking is curbing the munchies in major metropolitan areas?

Few seem troubled by Phelps' marijuana problems. "The boxes have kind of flown off the shelves," Ash said.

We would advise quickly disposing of the free toy surprise: The plastic crack pipe that is also a whistle.

Photo: San Francisco Chronicle.

Phelps' Loss Is Food Banks' Gain [San Francisco Chronicle]

King was arrested on Feb. 7 and charged with simple marijuana possession and released. He came to their attention, Richmond County police say, when he attempted to sell the bong on eBay for $100,000. King denies this. From Poker News Daily:

Late Friday night, King replied to a TwoPlusTwo thread entitled "Was ckingusc arrested? Did he try selling his bong on eBay?" His response to the two questions posed: "Were u dropped on your head as a child or are u intentionally being dense? Either way they should be closing the case vs mike. As far as the charges vs me i cant speak about but the penalties will be very minimal. This entire thing has basically proven to me that you cannot trust the media or the police if you stand in the way of their interest. also fwiw, no i am not dumb enough to actually try and sell a bong on eBay."

The bong was confiscated by police, ready to be featured in a future episode of History's Mysteries.

On Monday Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott said that he will not prosecute Phelps for his intimate coupling with the bong at a Columbia, S.C. house party in November. Eight others who were at the party have been arrested, however; some of them — including King — on charges not connected to the party. The police search warrant on King's home at 2201 Blossom Street, which was obtained by The Smoking Gun, doesn't mention the party at all. Instead, the warrant, released today by a magistrate judge, claims that the property at was targeted as part of "ongoing drug investigation in the Columbia, SC area."

King, who goes by the online poker handle "ckingusc," has earned nearly $2 million playing poker, according to Card Player.

Who Owned Phelps' Bong? The Smoke Clears [Radar]
Carter King (ckingusc) May Face Charges In Phelps Fallout Arrests [Poker News Daily]
Going For The (Acapulco) Gold [The Smoking Gun]

Last week Lott hauled in seven other people who were at the South Carolina frat party where Phelps was photographed with a bong. But apparently none of those would agree to give up any information on Phelps, and Lott decided to give up on it.

"We had a photo and him saying he was sorry for inappropriate behavior. He never said, ‘I smoked marijuana.' We didn't have physical evidence," Lott said. The sheriff's office said seven people arrested during the investigation would still face a simple possession of marijuana charge, which carries a maximum penalty of 30 days in jail or a $575 fine. Another person was arrested for driving under suspension.

SC Sheriff: No Pot Charge For Swimmer Michael Phelps Stemming From Marijuana Pipe Photo [New York Daily News]
Hey, I wasted All Your Time [Slow Breaker]