I think I have to dumb it down because of Golic. It is impossible to have a conversation on a high, intellectual level with a man whose idea of fine literature begins with Doctor and ends with Seuss.I remember one time I referenced ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ and Golic honestly did not know who had written it or what it was. That was the day I realized, ‘you know, I’m not going to be able to do some things here.’

It must take a remarkable amount of restraint on Golic's behalf to not want to take Greenberg by the back of the hair and just start smashing his face into the console each day. But if Greenberg keeps floating quotes like this while Golic's not around, it might be inevitable.

Mike Greenberg [OnTheDL]

Everyone remembers how awful the Rush Limbaugh experiment on ESPN was. How long did it take for him to say something inappropriate? Two weeks? But Limbaugh resigned, ESPN looked a little foolish, and everyone moved on.

Anyway, many of you may know that Mike and Mike In The Morningg has been doing their Jimmy V Cancer-drive stuff and pulled in a crapload of money for the charity. (In this wintry economic climate, getting anyone to shell out a dollar is an achievement.Hooray for them.)

One of the items put up for bid was a chance to have Mike and Mike do their live broadcast from your home. The winning bid? $57,100. The winner? Marta Maranda — Limbaugh's ex-wife.

Now, according to sources, Marta is very serious about her charities and this being a noble one, she has given assurances that her motivation for spending so much to have Golic and Greenie in her living room is completely legit. No, she's not making a large donation to a charity spearheaded by her ex-husband's former employer to publicly disrespect him. Not at all — that'd be quite snatchy of her to do such a thing.

There still might be some other problems. Maranda lives in the very tony Jupiter Island in a multi-million dollar home (much nicer than the Bristol studios, no doubt) but there are strict code enforcements that may prevent the show from ever coming to her pad.

Using a private residence on the island for commercial purposes, including a radio broadcast, is strictly verboten.

"I guarantee you we'll be looking for them," said island code enforcer Jeff Newell. "This is totally against our code of ordinances. They may be able to do it in a public space. But not in anyone's home."

Oh well. Hopefully, this all works out and Maranda and Jupiter Island can reach some agreement so the show goes on. I'm sure it'll happen; remember, she was just an obsessive fan of Rush Limbaugh's before they got together. She has a thing for radio guys — especially ones on the husky side. Golic better make sure she doesn't slip some elephant roofies in his coffee that morning.

Limbaugh ex might make airwaves at home [Palm Beach Post]

The Fox Sports Grill is a rather depressing place on a Tuesday night, and it was just us and five other people, drinking and being quiet. Over in the corner were two moderately attractive women in, we'd guess, their early-30s. Two guys we didn't recognize but were clearly in town for the Super Bowl, walked up to the bartender.

"Hey, you know any bars around here where a couple guys could find some ladies to talk to?" one said.

The bartender did his best to suppress a frown. We were at a suburban sports bar; half the people in the restaurant were families.

"Dunno, man, it's not really getting hopping until tomorrow," he said.

The two men looked around and saw the ladies up front. "You think we could sit next to them? Or at least across from them? Make some eye contact?"

"Knock yourself out," the bartender said. He then turned to us. "Hey, might as well ruin those girls' nights too."

A couple middle aged locals sat at the bar and asked the bartender, "So, is that ESPN out there? Mike and Mike?" The bartender said yeah, "we're total celebrities this week."

"Mike and Mike, man," one local said. "Just down the road from my house. Super Bowl's crazy, man. It's crazy."

Jacobson has released an official apology.

"I am sorry. My remarks about Notre Dame were foolish and insensitive. I respect all religions and did not mean anything derogatory by my poorly chosen words. I also deeply regret the embarrassment I've caused ESPN and Mike and Mike. My actions at the roast were inappropriate and in no way represent who I am. I won't make excuses for my behavior, but I do hope I can be forgiven for such a poor lack of judgment."

In case you've forgotten, here are those Notre Dame comments.

Now that Jacobson has been suspended for a week, we would like to note that this was a celebrity — well, "celebrity" — roast, and certainly Jacobson's "Fuck Notre Dame, Fuck Touchdown Jesus" jokes would be a little more appropriate there than they would be in almost any other context. We suspect two things did Jacobson in; first was the actual Atlantic City paper calling her "embarrassing," and the second was ... Bill Donohue.

Who's Bill Donohue? He's the president of the Catholic League, an innocent-sounding title that belies the fact that he's a self-promoting, bellicose screaming hack whose television persona couldn't be further from the tenets of modern Catholicism than if he were actively trying to recruit people to Satan. (Which is possible; Donohue does incalculable damage to the Church every time he opens his mouth.)

Donahue, brilliantly satirized on "South Park," took time out from his busy schedule of mock outrage to weigh in on Jacobson's apology.

"It is obvious, then, that neither Jacobson nor ESPN is dealing with this matter in a professional way," Donohue declared. "To put this issue behind them, ESPN must deal with this issue quickly, publicly and fairly, something it has yet to do. After all, most Christians are yet unaware of this event, but once they learn of it, they are sure to demand accountability."

We know we make fun of ESPN around these parts, but when Bill Donohue is calling you out ... you know you're probably doing just fine. We think this whole thing was just a Roast joke gone wrong. Jacobson will take a week off, ESPN will move on, we'll probably never see the video and hopefully Bill Donohue will shuffle off and we'll never have to type his name on this site again.

ESPN Benches Jacobson For Notre Dame Rant [Chicago Tribune]
Dana Jacobson Emails An Apology To The Catholic League [Awful Announcing]

We will confess that the phrase "lamer than Ditka's cock" is pretty funny; we do like us some Jeffrey Ross. But nothing yet from the Jacobson camp yet; we imagine that video being locked away somewhere deep in the bowels of Bristol HQ. A tipster who was there gives us a slight rundown, however:

. try THIS on for size....among her drunken statements made from the dais....(with Charlie Weis in attendance)....

"f... Notre dame"
"f....touchdown Jesus"
and - the step-aside-because-lightning-is-about-to-strike... "f.... Jesus."

Supposedly a long letter of apology to Coach 3-8 has been dispatched.

She had no recollection who ushered her out of harm's sway.

Little sympathy for this devil among the troops.

The delicate sensibilities of Charlie Weis must be protected.

Mike Greenberg, who hosts "Duel," appears to have been born without a sense of humor (even though he is half of "Mike and Mike in the Morning," a sports-chat show on ESPN), but with an obvious contempt for all game show contestants. Among his witticisms: "Discretion is the better part of valor." He so mercilessly drags out the proceedings, repeating contestants' options ad nauseam, that a player named Denise at one point snaps, "Oh, just get on with it!" Thus the most honest and enjoyable moment of the show.

But Shales goes further, suggesting, essentially, that shows such as Duel could be the ruin of television as we know it. Hmm. I might agree with him if I could figure out what the heck was going on. The blue chips are worth how much again?

Well, at least the show is getting support on its own message board:

• Mediocre at best! — Donkobes

• Too slowwwww, sticking with Jeopardy — bnbsmom

• MY GOSH!!! I can't take it!!! Is this show the most boring show in the world?? — mssusan1999

• While the premise is excellent, something must have gotten lost in the translation when it arrived from France. — Stubby55

ABC's 'Duel' Personality? Dull And Dumb [Washington Post]
The Reviews Are In, 'Duel' And Greenberg Get Destroyed [Awful Announcing]

So, if you have the opportunity, even though Greenberg's got a lucrative contract with ESPN and a pseudo-selling book at your local Barnes and Noble, he'd really like you to help him pay for his Web site.

And speaking of patronage, running this web site wouldn't be possible without yours. Your not-even-remotely-tax-deductable donation to this site will ensure that we can keep up with all of Mike's latest news, mainly because we'll be bribing him to let us in on the inside scoop. Your donation will also pay for the monthly Web hosting and yearly domain registration, as well as such luxuries for your humble Web designers as actual training in Web site design!

Here's the official donation page. Let's not all storm the gates to contribute at once; you don't want to overwhelm those servers!

Donate To Mike-Greenberg.com [Paypal]

Via the outstanding Pounding The Rock, we proudly introduce you to Get Your Game Feet On. It's a product promotion from Lamisil featuring Mike and Mike from ESPN Radio — one's gay! one's fat! — and Spurs guard Tony Parker. And it's called Get Your Game Feet On.

Enjoy.

Get Your Game Feet On [Official Site]
Tony Parker Gets Paid To Wear Flip Flops In The Shower [Pounding The Rock]

(Photo is fixed now.)

CATHERINE BENNETT and JASON WEST won ESPN Radio's inaugural "Marriage Madness" contest. The couple, both of whom graduated from the University of Florida, will be married live on "Mike & Mike in the Morning" on May 26. About 500 couples entered the contest.

The happy couple, recently profiled for their rabid Florida Gators fandom, are a month and a half from the big day. We wish them all the luck in the world. In case you don't remember, Bennett is the woman who scheduled a double mastectomy for breast cancer around the Florida-Florida State game.

We encourage everyone to tun into the program to hear host Mike Greenberg lightly rib the groom with jokes about:

• Why West's wife will ultimately think him an idiot.
• How, no matter what West does, Bennett will nevertheless label him an idiot.
• The inherent nature of idiocy in regards to husbands and their lives in marriage.

Gator Mania Sweeps Area [Palm Beach Post]

Anyway, they're sending out little itineraries for each of the finalists, and we got a hold of one. It's below. The whole thing seems a little loosy-goosy for a live radio program, let along a sacrament, but hey, what do we know?

Mike & Mike want you to know that they will likely be playing a "nearly-wed" game (like newlywed game) with you at either 6:40a and 8:40a or 7:40a and 9:40a (one couple will be featured each hour). They will also be asking you how you plan to "ingratiate yourselves to Mike & Mike" — they want you to find creative ways to sway their votes. Be creative.

When the show is over, we have a quick photo shoot with the ESPN photographer. You will get a tour of ESPN at 11am, we'll have lunch, their maybe some other interviews to conduct and then at 3pm you will be driven to NYC.

Thursday Morning at 6am you'll be able to walk to the ESPN Zone from your hotel. (It's all right there in Times Square). We will announce the winning couple at 7:40am. No idea what the plan is after that, but we are making you available for interviews etc.

We don't exactly have the best relationship with ESPN public relations, as you would probably imagine, but we almost think it's worthwhile, in this case, to put in an interview request. A few potential inquiries:

• "When your fiance approached you with this idea, did you start crying then, or were you able to wait until he was out of the room?
• "You realize that you're getting married on a morning sports radio talk show, right? They did explain this?"
• "Hey, when you were on the Bristol campus yesterday, Gary Miller didn't try to pee on you, did he?
• "So, you guys have a prenup, right? RIGHT?!"

How To Guarantee A Quick Divorce [Deadspin]