I think I have to dumb it down because of Golic. It is impossible to have a conversation on a high, intellectual level with a man whose idea of fine literature begins with Doctor and ends with Seuss.I remember one time I referenced ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ and Golic honestly did not know who had written it or what it was. That was the day I realized, ‘you know, I’m not going to be able to do some things here.’

It must take a remarkable amount of restraint on Golic's behalf to not want to take Greenberg by the back of the hair and just start smashing his face into the console each day. But if Greenberg keeps floating quotes like this while Golic's not around, it might be inevitable.

Mike Greenberg [OnTheDL]

What on earth could have possibly driven the ESPN duo Mike And Mike (or greenberg golic ESPN) to the "On Fire" setting on Google trends earlier this afternoon? I saw this earlier today and thought something preposterous happened on-air this morning, like Golic attacked Greenberg with a mallet. But apparently it doesn't take anything remotely that interesting to have Mike and Mike "on fire" according to Google trends. No, it just takes Greenberg talking about how he was sitting at home Googling himself while he took a sick day to find out all the negative things people said about him. (Honestly, it's not that bad considering their the first to play up the whole ex-jock vs. hair product-slathered weenie comparisons. We all know ESPN has a tremendous reach and this show is extremely popular, but can some quick banter about Google really cause Mike and Mike listeners to react so instantaneously? If so, it appears Greenberg's got some David Koresh-like magnetism stuffed inside that man-purse of his. No wonder someone would pay $57,000 to sit in a room with them.

Enjoy tonight and please come back tomorrow.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

Mike Greenberg, who hosts "Duel," appears to have been born without a sense of humor (even though he is half of "Mike and Mike in the Morning," a sports-chat show on ESPN), but with an obvious contempt for all game show contestants. Among his witticisms: "Discretion is the better part of valor." He so mercilessly drags out the proceedings, repeating contestants' options ad nauseam, that a player named Denise at one point snaps, "Oh, just get on with it!" Thus the most honest and enjoyable moment of the show.

But Shales goes further, suggesting, essentially, that shows such as Duel could be the ruin of television as we know it. Hmm. I might agree with him if I could figure out what the heck was going on. The blue chips are worth how much again?

Well, at least the show is getting support on its own message board:

• Mediocre at best! — Donkobes

• Too slowwwww, sticking with Jeopardy — bnbsmom

• MY GOSH!!! I can't take it!!! Is this show the most boring show in the world?? — mssusan1999

• While the premise is excellent, something must have gotten lost in the translation when it arrived from France. — Stubby55

ABC's 'Duel' Personality? Dull And Dumb [Washington Post]
The Reviews Are In, 'Duel' And Greenberg Get Destroyed [Awful Announcing]

Because cross promotion is how Bristol revolves around the sun, next week, rather than forcing Michael Wilbon to pretend like he cares about this crap, they're handing the reins to the cast of I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. Specifically, Kevin James and Jessica Biel, of whom we have chosen the one photo that isn't hot, because we're masochists.

Mike Greenberg will be moderating and attempting to hide his erection. For Kevin James.

Who's Now Gets Who's "Nowier" [Awful Announcing]

So, if you have the opportunity, even though Greenberg's got a lucrative contract with ESPN and a pseudo-selling book at your local Barnes and Noble, he'd really like you to help him pay for his Web site.

And speaking of patronage, running this web site wouldn't be possible without yours. Your not-even-remotely-tax-deductable donation to this site will ensure that we can keep up with all of Mike's latest news, mainly because we'll be bribing him to let us in on the inside scoop. Your donation will also pay for the monthly Web hosting and yearly domain registration, as well as such luxuries for your humble Web designers as actual training in Web site design!

Here's the official donation page. Let's not all storm the gates to contribute at once; you don't want to overwhelm those servers!

Donate To Mike-Greenberg.com [Paypal]

Anyway, Jon Bon got a little testy at a game the other day and starting flipping off the referees. And it turns out, he was wrong and didn't understand a call correctly.

"I didn't understand the rule," Bon Jovi said. He was told later by ESPN2 announcer Mike Greenberg that all a receiver has to do is take two steps with the ball in his hands for it to be a catch - and replays showed that's about what Bergeron took before dropping the ball then recovering it at the back of the end zone. Oops.

"I apologize for the middle finger thing," Bon Jovi sang. "I didn't know the rule. Simple as that."

We're a little bewildered by the notion of Mike Greenberg explaining a football rule to Jon Bon Jovi, but, hey, we can't figure out why there's a team called "Soul" either.

Force Isn't With Soul, Bon Jovi In First Loss [DelcoTimes]

To recap: You and your betrothed can actually married life on the radio of a morning sports radio program. In many places, this is known as "spousal abuse," of course.

Since we can't fathom the mindset of a pair of human beings who would go through such an endeavor with a straight face, we encourage you once again to get your applications in before the Friday deadline. We're hoping for some kind of wacky TV sitcom plot, where the justice of the peace accidentally marries Greenberg and Golic, leading to that inevitable, long-delayed moment when the two finally consumate their Odd Couple relationship with some good old fashioned porking. We don't need to tell you who's the top and who's the bottom, obviously.

Mike and Mike's Marriage Madness [ESPN Radio]

The whole thing kind of blows our mind, actually. So, as inspired by some commenters yesterday, we would like to elicit the help of you, our readers. We'd like to see if some of you would be willing to apply for the program. Don't worry: You don't have to actually get married. But we want to hear the stories of how far you got in the process, the absurdity of it all. Since we can't imagine very many people would actually go through this, we have a feeling we can flood the zone and sneak a few Deadspin pucks past the ESPN goalie. We suggest you, like us, just use the application form and then wait to see if you're selected. We want to see how just ridiculous this whole thing will go. Who's with us?

Marriage Madness Application [ESPN Radio]

Turns out, though, that actually the show is hosting a wedding, in late May, promising the "Ultimate Sports Wedding." Yes, you and your bride/groom/glutton-for-punishment can put in your applications by March 3 for a May 26 wedding. They're going to choose 16 finalists, which is impressive, because we can't believe even one couple would put themselves through this.

Just to repeat here: Your wedding officiants could be Mike Greenberg and Mike Golic. That's the most disturbing thing we've heard all week, and we actually like those guys. You realize this means we're only a couple steps away from Stuart Scott asking you if you would boo-yah the bride.

Popping The Question ... [ESPN Radio] (via Gheorghe: The Blog)