*****

It's arguably the greatest day of the sports year, and I'm here to help kick off the third leg of it live blog style. That's right, it's Texas vs. Minnesota. Longhorns vs. Gophers. Barnes vs. Smith. Chris Mihm's alma mater vs. Joel Pryzbilla's alma mater. Six Flags vs. The Mall of America.

What do we know about these two teams heading into tonight's matchup? Texas, led by all-conference battering ram Dexter Pittman, made it into the tournament by finishing the regular season as the #5 team in the Big 12. That's right, the same Big 12 in which teams #1-3 and #5-7 are dancing, and the little ol' #4 team gets the shaft. Even Will Hunting can't figure out the math behind this one.

As for the Gophers, they're led by Saul Smith's dad - a guy who I hear has a National Championship under his belt. The #9 team from the Big Ten upset #8 Northwestern in the first round of the conference tournament before being knocked out by Michigan State. Apparently they don't understand rank order here either, as #6 Penn State and #8 Northwestern are both NIT'ing.

But none of that matters now. It's March Madness time, and we can all take pleasure in the fact that ESPN has unplugged their Joe Lunardi bracketology robot until next year. Let's play some ball.

Pregame: VCU is getting some serious love in the pregame show. That should crush any chances they have of pulling off an upset against UCLA. In other news, North Carolina squeaked by Radford while UConn was able to fend off the Mocs of Chattanooga. That can only mean the older lady in your office is probably mathematically eliminated from the pool now.

7:10 PM: Jim Nantz just said Abu-Shamala. This should be a good one. Clark Kellogg just chimed in that Texas should try to get the ball up court. I would hope so.

7:13: Abu-Shamala just laid one in to give the Gophers a quick 7-0 lead. I thought the Big Ten was supposed to be a defensive conference...

7:18: Nantz just announced that Pittman has lost almost 90 pounds since his arrival as a freshman, putting him at a lean 293 pounds. He still looks like a tight end to me. Meanwhile Minnesota holds a 13-5 lead.

7:27: Damion James cuts the lead to 15-13 before Connor Atchley ties it up with a dunk. Minnesota regains the lead at 17-15 before Nick Cage saves the world. Oh wait, that last one was a commercial.

7:30: We're back from commercial. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that there has never been a bigger dork-to-hotness gap than the one between the Texas pep band and their dance squad. Those girls could be naked and I bet the tuba player wouldn't bat an eye. Minnesota 20, Texas 18.

7:33: "Texas is the same team as a year ago...with one big exception: D.J. Augustin," Jim Nantz announces. By my calculations they're pretty much the same team as two years ago, minus Augustin and Kevin Durant. And 90 pounds of Dexter Pittman. Still 20-18.

7:40: There was a point in time when Gene Hackman was a well-respected actor. Then he was the coach in "The Replacements." Now he's doing voice-over work for Lowe's commercials. If he comes to my door tomorrow trying to sell me a vacuum cleaner I probably wouldn't bat an eye. Texas comes back after the break to take their first lead before little Lawrence Westbrook puts Minnesota back on top 26-25.

7:45: Travis Bush becomes the 12th Minnesota player to step on the court. Fifth graders giggle while basketball fans marvel at how Tubby Smith manages the game. The shuffling seems to be working, as a free throw from Westbrook puts the Gophers back on top 29-28.

7:53: Clark Kellogg takes a trip down memory lane as Texas takes a 33-29 lead after two Dexter Pittman free throws. I guess he used to play basketball against the father of Ralph Sampson III or something. I was too busy trying to count the number of vowels in Abu-Shamala to pay attention.

7:57: Down 36-32, Minnesota calls time out with 0:22 left in the first half. The Horns are leading and Howie Long is hawking Chevy's on TV. Everyone in Texas must be smiling.

8:04: Westbrook does his best Denis Clemente impression as he hits a quick three to cut the lead to one. A.J. Abrams responds with a trey of his own and Texas goes to the locker room up 39-35. Both coaches will make the necessary half-time adjustments as coverage is switched to the American-Villanova game. In an absolutely shocking turn of events, American is leading 38-31. A confused Toby Keith just wrote a song about it.

8:08: There's feeling good, there's feeling great and then there's the feeling of hitting the bathroom after being afraid to leave your laptop while live-blogging the first half of a basketball game. And if you're still following this, be sure to check out the other live blogs while we break.

8:23: The second half is now underway. A quick Damion James basket puts Texas up 41-35. James makes one of his two free throws, and one of the kids from "The Sandlot" checks in for Minnesota.

8:29: A.J. Abrams hits another three-pointer to put the 'Horns up 47-39. That guy can flat out stroke. Big 12 fans everywhere can sleep easy knowing that guy will never step foot in their arena again. (I looked up while typing that last sentence and saw Steve Nash shove his banana into a Vitamin Water. And no, that wasn't a euphemism).

8:34: Clark Kellogg notices that Lawrence Westbrook hasn't taken a shot yet this half at the same moment he drills a three. Texas has their lead cut to 47-44.

8:37: Abrams drills two more threes to give Texas a 53-44 advantage. If Tubby doesn't find an answer for him quick this one could get ugly pretty quick.

8:38: I spoke too soon. Kellogg's "Little Fella" drains another to make it 56-44 Texas. This should keep the folks in the Lone Star state happy until they realize the Cowboys signed John Kitna this offseason.

8:46: 61-46 Texas as I switch over to the MMOD player while CBS switches over to coverage of the pending mayhem about to ensue if American can hang on to their lead against Villanova. If you haven't checked out GreggyD's coverage of that game yet, now would be a good time. (http://deadspin.com/5175677/ncaa-tournament-live-blog-3-villanova-vs-14-american)

8:58: Texas is up 64-52 as Minnesota calls a timeout with 6:37 left. It's been the A.J. Abrams show in Greensboro. Jim Nantz just had the EXACT same thought. If that's all it takes to cover the Masters every April, sign me up.

9:03: The shots aren't falling for Minnesota as Westbrook, an 85% free throw shooter, misses both attempts at the charity stripe. Texas will most likely try to eat up the clock and Pittman will most likely try to eat up the basketball.

9:06: Jamal Abu-Shamala just met the wrong end of a Damion James dunk. James will shoot free throws after these messages from Old Spice, the official sponsor of both NASCAR and pre-pubescent kids across the country.

9:12: Conner "KU Killer" Atchley picks up a foul, leading to two free throws from Ralph Sampson's kid. Clark Kellogg again mentions that he used to play basketball while Dexter Pittman throws one down. Texas leads 74-60. I feel like the announcer from "Major League" at this point.

9:16: Nantz points out that Tubby Smith made the tournament with Minnesota while Kentucky toils away in the NIT. It seems that Kentucky fans wish they hadn't treated him as harshly as they did. Somewhere Ashley Judd is weeping over a glass of Johnny Walker.

9:18: Texas is up 74-62 as Abrams steals the ball with just over a minute left. Westbrook and Abrams are your players of the game, as it appears Rick Barnes' boys will advance to the round of 32.

9:20: Texas 76, Minnesota 62. They'll play the winner of the Duke-Binghampton game later tonight. A big thanks to Sussman and the rest of the Deadspin crew for letting me live blog the game tonight. Be sure to check out the rest of the live blogs tonight/tomorrow as we continue to fuel the economic downfall that is March Madness.

2) Win At All Costs Rick Barnes is my least favorite coach in all of college basketball for one little incident that occurred at the end of last season. On Senior Day at Frank Erwin Special Events Center in Austin, Barnes played neither of his seniors in a 62-57 win over Oklahoma State. Sure, the Big 12 regular season title was on the line, but that's why you start your seniors and then take them out after a minute of play. They get the applause and you still get the win. Instead, Barnes decided to relegate seniors Ian Mooney or J.D. Lewis to the bench for their last game in front of the home crowd.

3) Shooting Blanks Despite having possibly the best pure shooter in college basketball on their team, Texas is statistically an awful shooting team from behind the arc. The Longhorns are last in the Big 12 in 3-pointers made (152) and 3-point field goal percentage (32.1%). The good news for Texas fans is that the Longhorns grabbed the most rebounds in the Big 12 this season. Of course, rebounds are easier to come by when you're missing shots. — Jacob E. Osterhout (Storming The Floor/Examiner.com)

MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS

1) Offensively, well, they are offensive. If you are looking for a stylish, up-tempo offensive team to entertain you this March, look elsewhere. The Gophers under head coach Tubby Smith are known for their defense, ability to create turnovers and fast break baskets. They rank 195th in the nation in PPG and 237th in the nation in three point field goal percentage. On the flip side, they are 34th in the nation in PPG allowed and opponents field goal percentage, holding teams to 61 points and 39% shooting a game. If they are to advance, their defense and timely baskets will be the keys to victory. Their scoring can come from anywhere, as they are the deepest team in the Big Ten and use a rotation of as many as 11 guys on any given night.

2) Overcoming tragedy Lawrence Westbrook certainly has overcome a lot to become the Gophers leading scorer this year. The first cousin of Philadelphia Eagles running back Brian Westbrook, he had to deal with the news of his 18-year-old brother, Tajh, being involved in a serious accident last September. He was thrown 50 feet from a car, airlifted to a local hospital and suffered numerous fractures and bleeding on the brain. Doctors didn't know whether he'd live or die. Westbrook was one of the main reasons why the Gophers are in the tournament this year, singlehandedly carrying them to wins over fellow bubble team and hated rival Wisconsin twice this year.

3) Our coach, the savior Tubby Smith, in his most recent stop as head coach, led Kentucky to one National Championship in 1998, a perfect 16–0 regular season conference record in 2003, five SEC regular season championships and five SEC Tournament titles with six Sweet Sixteen finishes and four Elite Eight finishes in his nine seasons. It wasn't enough to keep Kentucky fans happy. We're just happy with a big dance bid here in Minnesota! Some UK fans went as far as to place "for sale" signs on his front lawn during his final years in Lexington. No wonder he wanted out so bad. Remind me, how's Kentucky doing now under Billy Gillespie? —Robbie Rosenhaus

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And the final irony comes when, thousands of years from today, an alien craft lands on Earth and finds only the burnt-out, hollow husks of our civilization; the people long since gone extinct. Curious to find the reason for our demise, the first thing they find is this video, and they watch in horror as Goldy Gopher careens wildly on a manic killing spree, injecting humans with God-knows-what. No one escapes the madness. The visitors have seen evidence of the end of many civilizations, but nothing like this. Nothing like this.

Goldy Gopher Would Like To Give You An Injection [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

In 2005, during a high school state championship game, Hoffarber heaved a shot (while lying on his back) on the perimeter to tie the game and force double overtime. His team went onto win the state title, and he would win an ESPY in 2005 for Best Play.

And now, for both shots:

When Hoffarber plays Mario Kart, he doesn't need any goddamn red shells. Green ones, baby. Green.

In fact, there are murmurs that the US Navy tapped Hoffarber to shoot down that spy satellite using a sling and pebble. And while we never did find out who this kid was, we can only assume he was the little boy who heaved that thing down the court. Or perhaps he was the little boy who got clocked ... and that inspired him to dedicate his life toward the preservation and advancement of goofy-ass game-winning shots.

Hoffarber Nails Game Winner - Again! [The Love Of Sports]

Aside — Dear Indiana coach Dan Dakich:

Never forget your roots of failure.

Lovingly,
—Suss

At 5 p.m. ET tomorrow, the University of Minnesota has scheduled a press conference to announce that Smith will be the new Golden Gophers head coach. Sources are saying that the most likely replacement for Tubby is Marquette coach Tom Crean (who's married to Jim Harbaugh's sister, by the way).

Kentucky fans have had it just about up to here with Tubby, and now, if the sources are correct, he have the opportunity to coach in the coldest, quietest environment imaginable. Some dream job that turned to be, right Tubby?

Gophers May Be Close To Naming New Coach [WCCO]

To that end, it's crazy running back Tuesday! We present alleged photos of former UCLA Bruin and now Jacksonville Jaguars running back Maurice Drew, who apparently forgot to bring his pads, shirt and pants to a campus party. The sunglasses are a nice touch.

Even more amusing, in a picture after the jump, is new New England Patriot running back Laurence "Koolaid" Maroney, formerly of the University of Minnesota. We actually really like Maroney, whom we saw run over our Illini a few times. Looks like he'd be fun to party with too, though these pictures are assuring us that we really do need some new shades.

• Kentucky 78, Arkansas 76. Kentucky comes back from 18 down to get the W. The Wildcats, despite being worthless for a large portion of the season, are actually now just a game out of the conference lead. Welcome to the SEC in 2006.

• Niagara 84, Rider 70. The Purple Eagles (which I don't think occur in nature) get the win, despite having only eight players on the active roster. Of course, that's a little easier to do when Lorenzo Miles and J.R. Duffey combine for 49 points.

• West Virginia 66, St. John's 61. WVU survives a scare from the Johnnies in the Garden. Kevin Pittsnogle scores 10 points, his tattoos add 9.