He was just trying to help, you see.

According to the criminal complaint filed in Hennepin County District Court: The boy's mother heard the child's muffled cries and found Scott, who is 6-3 and 290 pounds, holding the bag over the boy's head on April 26. She said the boy was on his back on the floor, his legs kicking and that Scott was holding the bag tightly around the boy's neck.

She told police she had evidence of previous injuries while the child was in Scott's care. A doctor who examined the boy said there is a reasonable degree of medical certainty that marks on the boy's arm and ear were intentionally inflicted and were consistent with either burning or being struck.

Scott's defense: He was trying to help the kid by teaching him how to get the bag off his head. This reminds us of that time that our father tried to help us learn how to swim by trying our arms and legs together, tossing us in a laundry bag and chucking us into a lake. Made us stronger. ***

This Is Just Plain Messed Up [The Sports Point]

*** Not, in fact, true; just using our father as a comedic counterpoint. Sorry, Dad! It was just a pond.)

Eller found this technique somewhat lacking in success.

Former Viking and NFL Hall-of-Famer Carl Eller was arrested early this morning for fourth-degree assault and fleeing a police officer, 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS has confirmed. Eller reportedly refused a breath test and assaulted officer before trying to flee, according to Minneapolis police.

Sgt. Jesse Garcia told 5 EYEWITNESS NEWS that Eller hit an officer in the face.

This is Eller's second DUI in two years, but his first cop punching. With this kind of expertise, he should probably become the next NFL players union chief.

Carl Eller Arrested After Punching Officer In The Face [KSTP]

Anyway, it appears Mr. McKinnie has himself in a little bit of trouble again. He was out brawlin' in Miami. That's where that happens.

Miami Police found McKinnie "in the middle of a large crowd, throwing punches and again yelling obscenities," according to the police report. Police told McKinnie to stop. He refused and boarded a bus. The bus driver was ordered not to drive away.

We love the idea of an escape bus. Beats a boat, one supposes.

By the way, just because it still makes us giggle, here's McKinnie's section of the sex boat police report:

McKinnie is witnessed] pick up a naked woman, place her on the bar in the lounge and commence to perform oral sex on her. ... At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.

Ah, 2005 ...

Vikings' McKinnie Arrested In Miami [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]

The Vikings somehow beat the Bears last night in one of those games that resemble cute Pop Warner contests; everyone's running the wrong way and throwing it to ridiculous places, but somehow, some lovable scamp with his helmet on backwards and a jersey that hangs over his feet ends up stumbling into the endzone. You're happy for them, they won, that's great ... but seriously, when does the varsity come on the field.

Much salutations to our man Kyle Orton, however, who was his usual mildly efficient, mostly inoffensive self. He looked like the best quarterback on the field to us.

Thus officially ends any playoff chances the Buzzsaw had, by the way. Fortunately, they have two easy games in the last two weeks to drop them down the draft board next year. 8-8 would be nice, though. As for the Vikings ... anything that allows us to see Purple Jesus for a couple more weeks is fine with us.

Deadspin Hall of Fame Kyle Orton has the hopes of a needful nation in his hands; we have this wild dream of Orton throwing for 300 yards in each of the next three games and causing a full-blown QB controversy in Chicago this offseason. Donovan McNabb? Please! It's Neckbeard time.

Above is a rooting section all set to go in the Metrodome tonight, and we can only hope the MNF cameras catch them. It's all Orton, all the time. Let's get out there and show the support the man needs.

Yes, Vikings safety Dwight Smith was cited for sticky icky icky possession after his vehicle was stopped for impeding traffic at a downtown intersection Thursday night. Good news though: He wasn't busy banging some chick in the back seat. He's learning!

The official police report:

Officer saw the listed vehicle impeding the traffic lane in front of the listed business. An air horn was sounded to get the vehicle moving. The vehicle did not clear the traffic lane. Office got out to identify the driver and issue a Citation. Officer smelled the strong odor of Marijuana coming from the vehicle. The driver, Arrested Person 1 (AP-1), admitted he just got done smoking some Marijuana. Citations were issued to AP-1. Evidence was properly inventoried.

Stoned people are awesome.

Vikings Safety Dwight Smith Cited For Small Amount Of Marijuana [TwinCities]
Dwight Smith's Police Report [CelebStoner]
Dwight Smith Has Seen 'Unfaithful' [Deadspin]

Want another testimonial? "It's got chopped up Viagra in it," Portis said. " I'm telling you, it's an aphrodisiac." Now before anyone gets all worked up, Portis was joking. But it's worth noting, again, that the Web site has some incredible copy writers. A new interactive site will launch sometime in the spring; the current site, to give just one small example, asks consumers to "try not to tear the part of the wrap with the bar code as you rush to rip open your smack bars and unleash the chocolate ecstasy onto your tongue."

To which we ask the musical question: You Smackin' it?

Smack: You've Never Tasted Anything Like This [DC Sports Bog]
Hall Of Fame Inductee: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

We must say: This one seems a little scarier than the last one; the guy is starting to freak us out a bit. But hey: He's still doing the Lord's work.

Bong Hits For Vikings [Green Bay, Booze And Broads]
It's Brett Favre's 420th Touchdown, Man [Deadspin]

Williamson's maternal grandmother, who helped to raise him and with whom he was very close, died last week and he returned to South Carolina, where he played a large role in arranging her funeral. He also had to make travel arrangements for several of his siblings, some of whom are in the armed services. He returned to the team on Wednesday as the Vikings began practicing for this Sunday's game against Green Bay.

The team apparently apprised Williamson on Wednesday that he would not receive a paycheck for the game that he missed. "I don't care if they would have [taken] my pay for the rest of the year, I was going home," Williamson told the St. Paul Pioneer Press. "It wouldn't have mattered to me."

So, he was docked one game check. If you're scoring at home, the infamous Vikings Sex Boat incident cost Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie ... one game check. Seems fair.

Troy Williamson's Wallet Is A Bit Lighter [Daily Norseman]
HOF Inductee: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

This happened:

I think it had to have been 4th quarter when this happened because the Detmer celebration (after throwing a TD) was one that no Detmer, and no QB, really, would make without thinking the game was in hand. Detmer "simulated" reaching into his pants, digging out his cock, and then slapping some chick's ass as he did her from behind. Stockton and his partner said something like, "Wow, that's some crazy dance from Detmer." No, it wasn't a dance. He was miming pulling out his cock, and slapping a chick on the ass! Favre gets back on the field, drives down the field, and chucks a TD pass. He, looking right at Detmer, apes the cock-whipping out dance. The TV people are oblivous: "Favre's mocking Detmer's crazy dance!"

This could liven up an otherwise somewhat dull Vikings-Packers game, we'll say that.

Koy Detmer Cracks The Whip [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]

You think we're joking, but we're not.

"I follow the teams that I think need quarterbacks," George said. "I look around the league at the quarterbacks, and I wonder why I'm still not playing."

George didn't begrudge the Vikings' quarterbacks, noting that he doesn't know anything about Tarvaris Jackson. But he said he knows the Vikings are "banged up" at the position. Jackson missed Sunday's start because of a broken finger, and Holcomb, who started in Jackson's place, suffered a neck injury that could sideline him for two weeks. The Vikings would be an ideal fit, George said, because of his familiarity with the offense.

Oh, Jason Whitlock, where are you? We would like to take this moment to talk to Vikings management: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make this happen. It is your destiny.

There was also another goofy fumble recovery where Patrick Crayton's slippery hands gift-wrapped the ball for Vikings' linebacker Ben Leber, whose lateral to Cedric Griffin was initially bobbled, but he scooped it back up and ran for a touchdown. Trumpy, you can do stupid things! Vikings 14, Cowboys 7

• It's time for the Marc Bulger watch: 2-of-10 for 42 yards, one interception. He's also been sacked four times. His ribs are hanging onto his vertebrae much like the Grinch's sleigh holding onto the edge of the mountain. Still, they're not down by much. Seahawks 10, Rams 3

• We got a real yawner over in Philadelphia. No interceptions. No fumbles. No sacks. No touchdowns. No field goals longer than 40 yards. If this game gets any more bland, we'll have to run to the store and buy more rice cakes. Eagles 9, Bears 3

• Fresh off his interview this morning with Keyshawn Johnson on Sunday NFL Countdown, (dear Lord, can Goodell ban it so former wide receivers don't interview current wide recievers? That was clothespins-on-nipples painful) Chad Johnson has two catches for ocho cinco yards, but Chad Pennington and Laveranues Coles are singlehandedly — well, technically there are four hands involved in that tandem — beating the Bengals in a hardly interesting battle of one-win teams. Jets 20, Bengals 10

• Kansas City / is winning now / until their coach / blows it somehow / with Herma-Shave. Chiefs 6, Raiders 0

But hey: It's a division with Matt Millen, Brett Favre and whoever is left to pick at the bones of the Minnesota Vikings. What's not to like?

Some picks!

• AJ Daulerio: Bears, Lions, Vikings, Packers.
• Kissing Suzy Kolber: Vikings, Packers, Bears, Lions.
• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today: Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings.
• Aaron Schatz, Football Outsiders: Packers, Bears, Lions, Vikings.
• Sports Illustrated: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings.
• DEADSPIN: Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings. OK, so not EVERYONE is picking the Bears, but we are. Actually, we think they're gonna make the Super Bowl again, lose again and end up being known as the Bills of the NFC.

As always, we know nothing.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—

22 Short Stories* About The Starting Offense And Defense Of The 2007 Minnesota Vikings

1. One day, defensive end Erasmus James walked into an elevator. There stood a pregnant woman. The doors closed. James turned to the woman and asked her, "Is it yours?" Perplexed, the woman asked, "Is what mine?" "The baby," he said. "Is it yours?" Defensive, the woman said, "Yes! Of course!" James then said, "That's too bad, 'cause surrogate moms make my dick grow." And then he walked out.

2. One day, defensive tackle Pat Williams entered a pie-eating contest. The gun went off. Everyone began stuffing their face with pie, except Williams, who ate at a normal pace. A judge went up to him and said, "What are you doing?" To which Williams replied, "I'm savoring my pie, bitch."

3. You know that classic Hemingway super-short story: "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."? Well, that was running back Chester Taylor's baby.

4. One day, wide receiver Troy Williamson went to the eye doctor. The eye doctor asked him to read the eye chart. To which Williamson replied, "I don't see any fucking chart."

5. One day, offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie was performing cunnilingus on a woman. Ten minutes in, he looked up at the woman and said, "You smell like the beach. Kudos to you." Then he went right back to licking.

6. One day, cornerback Cedric Griffin came upon a lamp. He rubbed the lamp. Out popped a genie. Griffin said, "Holy shit! A genie! I want a billion dollars, the ability to fly, and good health for me and my family." To which the genie replied, "Fuck you. I'm retired." Then he slapped Griffin and zipped back into the lamp.

7. One day, linebacker Ben Leber accidentally put his cell phone in a toaster. But, since his carrier was T-Mobile, this actually improved his reception. Leber now toasts all his cell phones on the dark setting.

8. One day, Darren Sharper and his family had a picnic in the woods. "This is a lovely picnic," he declared. He and his family were then killed and eaten by a hermit who had been raised by bears.

9. One day, while playing for Seattle, offensive guard Steve Hutchinson went to the Pike Place Fish Market. One of the fishmongers threw Hutchinson a fish. Hutchinson, a tae kwon do expert, acted on instinct and delivered a blow to the flying fish that not only cleaved it in half, but also gutted, filleted, and deboned it. He then screamed to all, "That's how Steve Hutchinson does fucking halibut."

10. One day, quarterback Tarvaris Jackson came across a burning building. A woman cried out, "Save my baby!", then threw her child out the window. Acting on instinct, Jackson swooped in and caught the baby. Unfortunately, he then also acted on instinct by taking a five-step drop and then throwing the baby back into the window. It was a perfect baby spiral.

11. It was a dark and stormy night. So tight end Jim Kleinsasser decided to stay in and masturbate.

12. Cornerback Antoine Winfield was a young boy. He had a heart of stone. Lived 9 to 5 and worked his fingers to the bone. Just barely out of school, came from the edge of town. Fought like a switchblade so no one could take him down. He had no money, ooooooh no good at home. Walked the streets a soldier and he fought the world alone.

13. Three years ago, linebacker Dontarrious Thomas fell in love with a young Chinese boy. But the boy's family disapproved of him marrying an American man. So Thomas got a sex change operation and is now better known as best-selling author Amy Tan.

14. One day, Billy McMullen walked into a McDonald's restaurant and ordered lobster. When the cashier said that they did not serve lobster, McMullen pulled out a gun and said, "I'll be back in one hour. If there ain't no lobster here when I get back, you're all gonna be fucking McDead." An hour later, McMullen enjoyed a 5 lb. lobster with lemon wedges and drawn butter. He is still the only man to have ever eaten lobster in a McDonald's restaurant.

15. One day, linebacker EJ Henderson, on a whim, bought roses for himself.

16. On a visit to Tatooine, fullback Artose Pinner ran into C3PO. "Artoo, you are quite a handful of trouble!" To which Pinner replied, "It's ArTOSE. ArTOSE! With an S on the end, you fucking faggot!" C3PO then apologized profusely and offered him some robot tea. Pinner refused and walked away in a huff.

17. One day, free safety Dwight Smith nailed a chick in a stairwell. Upon orgasm, Smith cried out, "I AM THE ORIGINAL STAIRMASTER!"

18. Twenty years ago, guard Artis Hicks blew off his own head with an M80. His mother replaced his head with a large cantaloupe. No one has ever noticed.

19. On draft day in 2003, the Vikings accidentally allowed their allotted draft time to run out and drafted defensive tackle Kevin Williams with the ninth pick overall. What few people know is that then coach Mike Tice did not write Williams' name on the draft card, but rather the words, "I like steak." Out of pity, the league drafted Williams for the team anyway.

20. One day, defensive end Kenechi Udeze was asked by a reporter why he had no sacks in 2006. To which he replied, "Just bad luck." But he deep in his heart, Udeze knew a different truth. He fucking sucked. I hope he gets benched.

21. One day, offensive tackle Marcus Johnson returned to his home in Mississippi to discover that his childhood home had been destroyed by a terrible fire. But Johnson's standing in the community was solid. And, so his neighbors banded together and built his family a new house, even bigger than the last! Unfortunately, because this was Mississippi and no one knew anything of engineering, or even basic design, the house was made entirely out of leftover Styrofoam containers.

22. One day, center Matt Birk decided to kick some motherfucking ass and take some motherfucking names. And he did. And it was good. Go Vikes. All you other teams out there can suck my balls.

*All patently false

Deadspin lacks the bandwidth to list all of Peterson's injuries, so we'll stick to the highlights: a high ankle sprain in 2005, a shoulder injury in 2004, and most disturbingly, a broken collarbone in 2006 that Peterson re-injured in the Fiesta Bowl. Peterson says the collarbone is 95% healed, and he'll be ready to play by minicamp. Peterson had dozens of medical tests performed in the weeks leading up to the draft. The verdict: the collarbone should not be a problem, and he is definitely not Dannielynn's father.

When healthy, Peterson is an absolute truck. He's a 240-pounder trapped in a 215-pounder's body, which explains some of the aches and pains, but he can run over defenders 40 pounds bigger than him. He doesn't have much experience as a receiver - the Sooners only throw screens to their running backs - but he caught the ball well at Pro Day. Vikings coach Tobias Funke (Brad Childress) wouldn't select him for his West Coast offense if he couldn't catch.

What about Chester Taylor and his 1,200 yards, you ask? Good question. At Football Outsiders, we have Taylor ranked 33rd among running backs last season. It's not that we don't like him, it's that our play-by-play breakdown suggests that there were lots of seven-yard gains on 3rd-and-15 (stat fluff, in other words) in his totals. He's a very good change-of-pace player. Peterson is pace setter.

Two witnesses told KSTP-TV that the Vikings cornerback was thrown out of the Spin nightclub for not pulling up his pants. The club has a dress code requiring that pants not sag below the waist. ... The witnesses said Griffin then had a dustup with bouncers and police before being taken away in handcuffs.

Clearly, Commissioner Goodell, this requires a year-long suspension. The NFL's corporate sponsors will never stand for such malfeasance.

Minnesota Is Playing Catchup To The Bengals [WBRS Sports Blog]

Smoot is unable to talk, though, which will come as great news to at least 2% of his colleagues in the NFL. He has been exchanging text messages with Childress, though, so you can relax, women of Minnesota. Smoot's digits are still fully functional and capable of dishing out pleasure in high doses.

Vikings CB Smoot breaks jaw in car accident [ABC13.com]

How can we tell he's not done with us yet? Well, first off, he's Brett Favre. He was back to his old "will he or won't he?" games with the media last night, refusing to take questions after the game, which is something media types typically hate, unless they're Brett Favre. But why go out and answer the same "hey, Brett, we know this is the 47,000th time we've asked this, but, uh, so ... next year, we were wondering ..." questions when you can just ignore them and get everyone talking about you even more through the next week? It's much more fun that way. But hey: That's just what Brett Favre does, he just goes out there and lets 'er rip, Gunslinger Mentality.

Classic NFC North Matchup? [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]

A statement we kind of can't believe we're making: Brett Favre might as well go ahead and come back next year. It's no like Aaron Rodgers is all raring to go or anything; the Packers are directionless and boring otherwise, so we might as well watch The Gunslinger Mentality flip shit in the air 16 more times next year. What can it hurt, ya know?

If he does happen to retire this year — right — tonight's Vikings-Packers battle on the Network You Probably Don't Have will be his last game at Lambeau, though it doesn't quite have the vibe of his final game. (Wonder why!)

We'll be in Champaign, watching our Illini hand a check to Idaho State University, but those of you who are around are, as always, invited to hang out around here and discuss the madness of King Gumbel to your heart's content. Remember: The block of cheese goes on your head, not in your pants.

We were just forwarded this shot, from an MSNBC gallery, from last Sunday's Vikings-49ers game. You might not be able to tell from the photo — perhaps you are distracted by the ass — but the defender on the play? None other than Fred Smoot.

Tell you what, that guy ... one track mind.

We've actually enjoyed coach Brad Childress' attempts to tweak Bill Belichick and his injury report hijinks by playing coy with his own hurt players, but we're more concerned about the unrelenting Belichick love that will surely be coming from Theismann tonight. (Meanwhile, Kornheiser will make a tiny sex boat joke and then you'll actually be able to hear him biting his tongue.) It won't involve Drew Bledsoe imploding on national television or our Buzzsaw completely a historic collapse, but it should still be fun.

Inspired by some of the fantastic late-night discussions going on during the World Series, we've decided to carry it over during the regular season and invite you to discuss the game in this thread, with win or Jager shots or whatever. So welcome to our Monday Night Football discussion experiment. See if you can imagine what Kornheiser would be saying, had he not forgotten why he was hired.

Childress Tries To Out-Belichick Belichick [The Fanhouse]

(UPDATE: Of course, it appears Belichick has his own problems right now.)

So how are the Vikings keeping themselves busy? The gang at Kissing Suzy Kolber imagine how the week off is going for various players, including our pal Mr. Smoot.

Monday: Discreetly find hooker and attach her to milking machine. Realize the atrium of City Hall isn't discreet enough.
Tuesday: Call McKinnie. Discuss potential sexual encounters that do not involve the penis. Agree to try space docking.
Wednesday: Try space docking on woman flown in from Buckhead. Fail. Spray pussy with Lysol.
Thursday: Study coverage technique on tape. Realize tape is actually a copy of "The Country Bears". Curse Misssissppi State education.
Saturday: Call Sly Croom. Congratulate him for being black.
Sunday: Watch Goodfellas. Tell friends Jimmy Two Times is favorite character. Go get the papers get the papers.

If the various scenarios posited here aren't what's actually happening in Minnesota this week, we'll be extremely disappointed.

Vikings' Bye Week Itinerary [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame: Vikings Sex Boat [Deadspin]

We mean no offense to Redskins fans, but when your owner is hosting Tom Cruise in his luxury box — when he's staying at your owner's house — we kind of think that maybe you deserve to lose.

Sorry: That's kind of what we think.

Cruise Family To Join Snyder At Redskins Game [The Washington Post]

(Photo from The Washington Post.)

That's essentially what he and Bryant McKinnie did. The NFL finally went came down on Smoot and McKinnie yesterday for their role in the Lake Minnetonka sex boat scandal. Each of them were fined one game check, which equates to 1/17th of their yearly salary. For Smoot, it was $82,352, and for McKinnie, it was $41,176. Here's Smoot's reaction:

"That is over with. I don't know why people bring it up. They finally fined us. That's so much last year. What are you still talking about it?"

Why? Because you shoved the business ends of a double-donger into the hoo-hoo-dillies of two prostitutes, that's why. Am I not supposed to be amused by that? Come on, Fred, let's be real here. If you don't want me to be amused when you shove the business ends of a double-donger into the hoo-hoo-dillies of two prostitutes, then maybe you should, I dunno... do it at home?

That does not happen every day, Fred Smoot, and I'm not ashamed to admit that those kinds of things help to make my life worth living. If I was fined $1 for every time I smiled or laughed because of your naughty nautical misadventures, my fine would probably be bigger than $82,352.

Smoot, McKinnie fined in `Love Boat' incident [KRT Wire]

We do the riverdance, a manly dance, through the NFC North, land of paternity suits, custody issues, nude assistant coaches, Brett Favre and, of course, sex boats.

• Robert Weintraub, Slate: Minnesota, Chicago, Green Bay, Detroit.
• Peter King, Sports Illustrated: Detroit, Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay.
• Paul Zimmerman, Sports Illustrated: Chicago, Detroit, Minnesota, Green Bay.
• Bill Simmons, ESPN: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay.
• Aaron Schatz, FootballOutsiders and Fox Sports: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay.
• AJ Daulerio, Deadspin Cultural Oddsmaker: Minnesota, Chicago, Detroit, Green Bay.
• Matt Pitzer, USA Today Sports Weekly: Detroit, Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay.
• Michael David Smith, Football Outsiders: Chicago, Minnesota, Detroit, Green Bay.
• Deadspin: Chicago, Minnesota, Green Bay, Detroit. This has to be the worst division in football. Ugh.

Have you been impregnated by Brian Urlacher? If so, let us know in the comments, if you can.

Presenting the next member of the inaugural class of the Deadspin Hall Of Fame ...

The Minnesota Vikings Sex Boat. Final tally: 84.2 percent.

All inauguration speeches are encouraged (as are, since they still haven't come out, pictures from the boat).

(Plaque by Jim Cooke.)

The story itself was funny, but as more details came in, it became more brilliant. There was the cargo dump, which included "food, beer, champagne bottles, fireworks, disposable camera boxes, hollowed out Swisher Sweets, something that looks like a marijuana bud, sexual and feminine hygiene products and Victoria's Secret underwear." And when the police report came out, the creative genius of Bryant McKinnie and, especially, Fred Smoot, was truly revealed. Double down, baby.

But is it a Hall of Famer? Remember, 75 percent is the threshold. Vote below: Polls will be open until next Tuesday.

Gawker Media polls require Javascript; if you're viewing this in an RSS reader, click through to view in your Javascript-enabled web browser.

No word on whether or not that's Fred Smoot's locker ... but that's a pretty good guess, no?

The reason the picture exists, in Real World Truth terms: A fumigation firm is trumping its work helping the "Vikings to be one of the NFL pioneers in protecting their athletes from microbacteria in the locker room and on the practice field." Of course it is.

Honestly, someone from the Vikings' PR department probably should have checked this over, yes? Unless that's actually Brad Childress in the mask. Which we wouldn't rule out.

Proud To Fumigate Vikings [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

I'm no detective, but it sounds like some kind of exchange of bodily fluids was about to take place. And the Vikings are leaving me with no choice but to believe that they have some kind of a pool going about who can have sex in either the most unusual public place, or in the most public places. Nice try, Dwight Smith, but Fred Smoot still has you trumped with the double header on a cruise ship. Just imagine all the ones we haven't heard about. I wonder if Jermaine Wiggins has given it to anyone on the Metrodome roof.

This has got to please Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, who's vowed to clean up the club's sullied image. In fact, they just released Koren Robinson because of it. Depth at free safety might be a little harder for the Vikes to come by, though, so Dwight Smith might be safe. Regardless, it might be a good idea for the Vikings to write some kind of a "fuck at home" clause into all future contracts.

Apparently, Dwight Smith Likes To Do It In Stairwells [10,000 Takes]
Robinson is released by Vikings [StarTribune.com]
Vikings' Dwight Smith cited for indecent conduct [StarTribune.com]

We asked a gaggle of writers, from the Web, from print, from books, even a TV guy or two, to tell us, in as many or as little words as they need, why My Team Is Better Than Your Team. This is not meant to be factual, or dispassionate, or even logical: We just asked them to riff on why they love their team so much, or what their team means to them, or whatever. We will be running two a day until the beginning of the NFL season.

Right now: the Minnesota Vikings. Your author is Big Daddy Drew.

Big Daddy Drew, which, strangely, is not his real name, is one of the freestylists at Kissing Suzy Kolber. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

I get why some people might laugh at my beloved Vikings. I really do. You're talking about the team that plays in the world's largest covered ashtray. A stadium that literally pushes you out the doors as you exit. The Vikings are the team that drafted and cut a running back who carries powdered urine onto flights as if it's Crystal Light.

They're the team that fired their GM this year, after only months on the job, because of an exaggerated resume, a tendency to rudely shush people in the draft room and the time he told a team secretary to expect a "bloodbath." He was also a grown man named Fran. And, unless your last name is Tarkenton, that's fucking weak. They're the team covered by a raft of hometown columnists (Jim "Douchebag" Souhan, Tom "Whiny Puss" Powers, etc.) who genuinely hate them and wish them ill.

The Vikings are the team that laid down 10 seconds into the 2000 NFC title game because their starting wideout was moody and their starting cornerback was Wasswa Serwanga. They're also the team that lost four Super Bowls, only to then be overshadowed by an even more incompetent team that managed to lose four in a row. Their last coach wore a pencil in his ear in order to look smarter. He was a coach so dumb, you could practically see the gears in his brain grinding to a halt any time an important decision had to be made. And the coach before that coach once chose to kick off twice at the beginning of each half during a single game, setting a precedent for the Marty Mornhinwegs of the world to follow. Wind advantage, my ass.

The Vikings are the team that traded Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper for Napoleon Harris, Troy Williamson, and Ryan Cook. Guhhhhhh. They're the team that employs the league's oldest starting quarterback and signed Mike McMahon as his backup when Julian McMahon would have been a better choice. Up until a year ago, they were owned by a used car salesman. They're the team that abandoned the old Metropolitan Stadium so that the nation's biggest mall could later take its place, complete with two Auntie Anne's pretzel stands. Oh, and a couple of their cheerleaders may be post-operative transsexuals.

So yeah, maybe you laugh at the Vikings a little bit. But you know what, all you smug Packer, Cowboy and dipshit Patriot fans? If you look closer at the Vikings, you'll soon begin to realize that they are, without question, the most Badass team in the NFL. Look at their mascot: Ragnar the Viking. He's a crazy motherfucker with a huge-ass beard who rides into the stadium on a giant fucking Harley and then spends the entire game screaming at fans and blowing a giant horn. Do you fuck with this man? No, you do not. He's the Drexl Spivey of mascots. Ragnar may also be directly related to Sega Master System Badass Rastan, so suck hard on that.

Want more? The owner of the Vikings is the son of Holocaust survivors and did his parents proud by accumulating enough fuck-you money to buy that kingdom of dark-sock-and-sandal-wearing dorks called Germany and sell it for scrap. They're also the only NFL team named after a race of Scandinavian explorers who prized raping and pillaging over cartography. That's fucking Berserker, my friends. ("My love for you is ticking clock, Berserker! Do you want to suck my cock, Berserker!") They're the team that imports strippers for their parties when they deem the local-area talent pool lacking. And their starting cornerback eschews the use of his own penis so that others in the galley cabin might enjoy some tender double-pronged dildo action.

The Vikings are also the team that got Mike Ditka fired. Back in '92, Jim Harbaugh of the Bears threw an interception that safety Todd Scott returned for a touchdown, sparking a rally from 20-0 down in the fourth quarter that led to a 21-20 Viking victory. Ditka's sideline rant at Harbaugh transformed him from a coaching legend into a raving douchebag in mere minutes. The Vikings are also the only team to ever win an overtime game on a safety. Back in '89, Mike Merriweather blocked a punt out of the endzone in overtime to defeat the LA Rams 23-21, a game in which Vikings kicker Rich Karlis booted seven field goals. Barefooted. Bitch.

They're also the team that produced Alan Page, now a well-respected judge. They're the team that helped give Don Banks — one of the few truly great NFL journalists and a man I'm somewhat gay for — his start. They also represent the great state of Minnesota, home of wild rice, motherfucking H sker D and Schmidt Beer (the only beer that's Honest to Minnesota, but a lying sack of shit to Iowa).

Oh, and they're the team that I grew up rooting for and the team I love unconditionally, which is the only way anyone should love anything.

So maybe you want to make fun of the Vikings. Or perhaps you'd like to treat them with complete and utter indifference, as the Chris Bermans of this world do. Well, you know what? That's fine. Go find a Styrofoam block of cheese and put it on your head. Have a ball, you fucking loser. My team has games to win and hookers to nail.

And, last night, Robinson was arrested for a DUI.

St. Peter, Minn., police Sgt. Loren Jansen said Robinson was arrested at 10:46 p.m., for "driving while impaired." He is being held at Nicollet County Jail in St. Peter, Jansen said. Jansen said multiple charges are pending, and a report has not been filed yet.

The Vikings had been given the night off from camp but were expected to be back in bunks by 11 p.m. Robinson didn't quite make it. Because of his past suspensions — including four games from the Seahawks in 2004, the team that released him after a DUI in June 2005 — he could face a yearlong ban from the league. Those are some extremely costly beverages.

Vikings Receiver Arrested For DWI [St. Paul Pioneer-Press]

(UPDATE: Robinson's mugshot is after the jump, by the way.)

I'd like to go on record as saying that I don't think that's a good idea. It would be nice to get Smoot and McKinnie involved in more things that are beneficial to the public, but you can't take the risk of Fred Smoot showing up in the children's ward with a double-donger. I'm not saying he would... but you just can't take that risk.

So before it disappears completely, I think we should all take the time to thank Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie, and anyone else who made this happen. Yes, we sympathize with those who were victimized and/or pleasured (it's such a fine line). But still, we recognize one of the world's all-time most amusing sports stories, and we're thankful that it took place in the age of sports blogs.

Thanks again, Fred Smoot and Bryant McKinnie. We owe you.

Smoot, McKinnie both plead guilty [FoxSports]
The Fred Smoot "Bump 'n Run" Double-Headed Dildo [the mighty mjd]

He'll be suiting up for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, who already boast of former Tennessee Vol and Pittsburgh Steeler Tee Martin, as well as former Iowa Hawkeye Brad Banks. They also have a guy who was born in Iowa, played in college at Cal-Berkeley, but is ironically named Tom Canada. Go figure.

Anyway, if the Dolphins ever get on board and decide to let Ricky Williams play in Canada, the CFL could see one hell of a battle for the rushing title this year. I wonder if it would be difficult for Canadian fans to get behind that. You know how some people can't get behind modern-day MLB home-run records because they take place in the steroid era? If Ricky and Onterrio were to rewrite the CFL's rushing records, would it cast a pall over the CFL that would come to be known as the tainted urine era?

It's good to see you find a home, Onterrio Smith. But I don't recommend crossing the border while in possession of the rubber dong that you were carrying for your "cousin."

Onterrio heads north to join Blue [Winnipeg Blue-Bombers]

As far as we can tell, it has no real connection to the famous Fred Smoot, leader of the Minnesota boat cruise and famed double-dong representative and aficionado.

Though, if you're keeping that dirty mind, you can read whatever you want into that logo. Maybe he's more connected than we thought.

Smoot Construction [Official Site]

MDS, who will be the Vikings life preserver?

17. Minnesota Vikings: Chad Greenway, LB, Iowa
Greenway was a hog and cattle farmer growing up. We don't want to label him as a small-town hick or anything, but it's probably safe to say he's never seen anything quite like the rookie boat party the Vikings are planning for this year.

Williams was acquitted of the misdemeanor charges of lewd and lascivious behavior and indecent conduct charges and blasted prosecutors for going after him simply because he's black, pointing out that the white captain sucked a boob or two on the boat as well, and nobody's charging him 300 bucks.

The trials of fellow Vikings Fred "Double Donger" Smoot and Bryant "Salad Bar" McKinnie have yet to begin, though they are facing the same charges as Williams was. Wait ... shouldn't Smoot be charged with two counts?

Ex-Viking Guilty On One Count, Not Guilty On Two [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

The St. Paul Saints, the minor league baseball team ran by Mike Veeck, is giving away miniature Minnetonka Queen boats for the 30th anniversary of the Love Boat and "may remind fans of another well-known Twin Cities area vessel that has been in the news. " The date is May 27, and one forgives Fred Smoot for showing up and thinking the "Love Boat giveaway" would allow him a very different freebie that it actually does.

By the way, other Saints promotions include "VHS Demolition Night," the "Buddha Giveaway" and "Billy Murray Bobblehead Night." The Saints are just about the only thing we can think of that makes us sad we don't live in Minnesota.

A Boat Load Of Promotoins Set For 2006 [Saints Baseball]

(UPDATE: Do not anger Minnesota residents, apparently; the mailbox was flooded almost immediately. It's not like we don't like Minnesota; every time we've been there, we've enjoyed ourselves. It's just that, you know, it's kinda cold. That's all. Honest.)

This difficult time in the life of Culpepper started, of course, with a simple rookie hazing and turned into Wild On Frozen Lakes. Culpepper is free now, but the other three players are still contesting the charges, which means this surely will be a gift that keeps on giving.

Sadly, this means we must say goodbye to Mr. Culpepper, who probably never belonged in this story anyway, considering he was just playing dice while a dancing woman did some random orifice insertions just a few feet away. We are not sure this will inspire his new teammates to be lead into battle by Culpepper; the whole incident seems to label him a follower, not a leader.

Fred Smoot, however ... that's a player you can get behind. So to speak.

Sex Boat Charges Dropped Against Culpepper [Minneapolis Star Tribune]
The Full Report On The Sex Boat [Deadspin]