"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"

For you young punks out there, those are references to the movie Airplane!

What is it, you ask? It's a sequence of consecutive pictures of objects photographed in motion by a specially designed camera and thrown on a screen by a projector in such rapid succession as to give the illusion of natural movement, but that's not important right now.

Anyhoo, courtesy of intrepid reporter and noted cocksmith Visanthe Shiancoe's Twitter account (via Randball), we finally have evidence of Vikings head coach Brad Childress wearing a flight attendant's uniform on the trip to Pittsburgh last week that Drew alluded to on Monday. I have looked into the pit of madness, and Brad Childress is there giving me a bag of peanuts.

Of course, this is Weed Against Speed and I'll be your humble guide on this spookiest of spooky days. I have a lot of fun stuff planned for the day (not really - I'm flying by the seat of my vintage pants), so let's get to it.

Bonfires burning bright, pumpkin faces in the night, I remember Halloween.

This day anything goes.

Friday update: Visanthe Shiancoe posts pictures of Brad Childress dressed as female flight attendant [RandBall]
(previously on Deadspin) Brad Childress Is The Ugliest Dame You'll Ever See

It's good to have him back, isn't it?

Steelers beat mistake-prone Favre, Vikings 27-17 [Philly Inquirer]
[Photo via AP]

* * * * *

It's Monday. Try not to get fired or sued this week. (Not as easy as it sounds.)

While aimlessly wandering the streets of New York the other day, I spotted a very large package that was left unattended on the corner of 34th St. and Seventh Ave. Naturally, I notified police ("if you see something, say something!"), but they didn't seem too concerned. It's just a four-story high football player from another city with bad skin and a tasteful bulge. Nothing to be alarmed about.

As long as he protects us from Cloverfield monsters, I guess we can live with it.

Update: A reader wrote into say that that's actually the Giants' Justin Tuck. Which would make more sense I suppose, but honestly I can't tell. They all look alike.

Crotches, I mean.

* * * * *

Oh, Fridays. You frustrate us with more and more work, yet we can't start the weekend without you. You're such a devil goddess. Anyway, here we go.

The photo was quickly taken down and Berrian went into damage control mode by taking it to the tweets to apologize.

Via No Spain, No Gain:

Those who saw the photo before it was taken down reacted in a variety of ways. Some found the situation humorous, like @The_Real_AP, who wrote "yikes! make sure she members to wash behind the ears."

Others were congratulatory, like @richardearl, who commented "Damn man, you getting that?" and @td619 who noted "Nice! Being an NFL'er pays off nicely lol."

A few were concerned that Berrian might become just the next in a long line of pro athletes punished for a controversial tweet. @Anth270 warned "LMFAO what other pic do u have on ur phone haaha , bra delete that b4 u get fined lol".

Berrian's reply:

So, are we to believe that Berrian was a victim of some internet conspiracy perpetrated solely to shame him that was accomplished by intercepting his photo of him and his friends enjoying a nice dinner and replacing it with a naked lady taking a shower? Hey, crazier things have happened. I'm writing for Deadspin, for crying out loud.

Unfortunately, my guess is that Berrian accidentally uploaded said naked showering gal photo instead of the dinner photo. I suppose it's the equivalent of selecting "reply to all" instead of "reply" on an e-mail, only with more gratuitous nudity. At least it didn't happen on a boat.

Bernard Berrian: Victim of Technology or Twitter Pornographer? [No Spain, No Gain]

I know, I know. You've had enough of the Gunslinger and all the duct taped t-shirts created in his honor. But this post should put a stop to all that because it is pretty much impossible to find a more impressive—or more fitting—memorial to the entire Brett Favre-Green Bay-Minnesota saga than this. A purple Firebird Trans-Am adorned with No. 4 decals and a "We Love You Man!" sticker on the back bumper has been spotted in, of all places, Green Bay, Wisconsin. This is the definition of perfection.

You may also rest assured that the tipster who took these photos can confirm that man behind the wheel of this beauty "took off, tires squealing." Is there any other way to drive an automobile like this? I say no.

I'm just going to go ahead and assume that Def Leppard was blasting out of the stereo as well.

[Photos via Mike C. of Green Bay, WI]

* * * * *

Welcome to Wednesday. Are you getting it?

Yes, yes. He did it. Kid out there. Just loves the game. Vintage. Classic. Like old times, etc. We got it. Brett Favre is not an incompetent football player. Of course, neither is Aaron Rodgers. If only Favre hadn't personally sacked him 14 times, the Packers just might have pulled it off. Maybe next time.

But what does the internet think?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

My favorite part of last night, though, was when Mike Tirico could not stop raving about Adrian Peterson's handshake ("the strongest hands you'll ever find") while simultaneous having to admit that "All Day" fumbles more than any other running back in the league. You could almost hear his brain grind to a halt as he tried to reconcile those two ideas. I guess a football is slightly larger than Mike Tirico's hand. (But not as silky smooth!)

* * * * *

Anyway, that's the end of the Favre talk (from me anyway), but it's just the beginning of our Tuesday. Let's do it.

So take a nap and eat a hearty dinner, because the hype and hyperbole will be as thick as the bullshit that Brett Favre and his many biographers shoveled in our faces all summer. (Not that I'm taking sides!)

Anyway ... Vikings-Packers. This is IMPORTANT, PEOPLE! When you see your loved ones tonight, give them a big hug and don't let go. Me? I'm probably going to read Mitch Albom's new book and think about all the regrets of my life. It's a long list.

Courage.

* * * * *

Thank you for continued support of Deadspin Airlines.

Wha' Happen? [Randball]

Filmed by Gawker video wizard Mike Byhoff

As if next Monday evening's Packers-Vikings matchup needed more annoying hype, the Fudgeslinger just HAD to go and pull a last-second victory out of his ass (and he did it all himself mind you, with no help from anyone else on the field), prompting these actual reactions from the media:

TIM RYAN: "He just plays like a kid out there."

BERMAN: "This is why you sign Brett Favre! This is why you bring Brett Favre back."

TOM JACKSON: "He was like a kid out there."

LINDA COHN'S TWITTER: "Brett Favre a true Viking now!"

And now, here come the Packers into town, in what promises to be the Favriest of all possible matchups. I watched the entire Vikes-49ers game yesterday, and I assure you that Tim Ryan and Sam Rosen NEVER ONCE SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP about Favre for three hours. Praise was lavished. Stories of his love of the game and contagious enthusiasm were myriad. And then Favre connected with Lewis, and somehow the sycophancy became even MORE pronounced, spreading across all media platforms (with the blissful exception of the NFL Network's postgame show, which is perfect and wonderful and I now forgive Michael Irvin for stabbing that one guy with scissors).

And so, one week from now, we could be looking at the greatest concentration of Favre knob-slobbing the world has ever witnessed. As such, it is my duty, as both a writer for this site AND a conflicted Vikings fan, to venture into the belly of the beast. It's time for me to leave my nest and spread my wings, then plummet to the ground as a result of my unhealthy body mass index.

Time to go to the fucking Twin Cities, gang.

Yes, I'll be flying out to my old hometown for the game on Monday. I have no tickets. I'm not even sure I have pants. I may end up watching the game in a bar or something. I dunno. FUCK IT. WE'LL DO IT LIVE.

Got an extra ticket that you're willing to sell to Gawker Media for face value and not one goddamn penny more? Email me here. And if any of you know a good place to hang out near the stadium prior to kickoff, lemme know that too. We'll make it a happening. Or something.

So get ready, Minneapolis. Deadspin is coming to eat the cherry off your spoon.

Brett Favre has been fined ten boxes of ziti (Sopranos marathon, FTW!) for his crackback block on Houston safety Eugene Wilson during the Vikings' preseason win over the Texans this past Monday. As you may recall, a lined-up-at-receiver Favre went low on Wilson while trying to clear a path for rookie wideout Percy Harvin, forcing Wilson to leave the game. The veteran safety is apparently fine, at least physically. But emotionally? Not yet, says his agent James Sims:

"Eugene went back out on the field after the game hoping Favre would come up to him and apologize and express some concern, and that didn't happen," Sims said. "Eugene then was hoping Favre would send him an apology through some sort of correspondence, but that hasn't happened either. Eugene is still hopeful Favre will apologize to him."

Good luck with that. If you haven't seen it, the disturbing video evidence of the hit is below (and another hearty +1 to Jon Gruden for referring to it as a "cracker" back block):

Favre fined $10,000 for crackback block [Minneapolis Star Tribune]

I mean, there isn't any way that someone in the sporting press would take this occasion to remind us once again that Brett Favre is just a kid out there, yes? Not even Favre's many courtiers in the press box could watch the guy throw himself at a safety's knees — in a preseason game, no less — and say, eh, he's just having fun, correct? No one in his right mind would even think to use the phrase "youthful exuberance," right?

Right, Tim Dahlberg of the Associated Press?

Brett Favre's senior moment came early, when some temporary indecision led to Mario Williams dropping him to the turf in Houston. His stupid moment came late, when he lined up wide left and threw an ill-advised - and illegal - crackback block.

Chalk the first up to rust and age. Blame the second more on youthful exuberance.

It's going to be a very long season.

Brett Favre has his moments — and not all are good [AP]
EARLIER: Aim For The Knees, Brett!

These two men are obviously fans of Wrangler Jeans, but their fighting styles show that they have clearly not learned the lessons taught to them by their hero. When locked in a life or death struggle with a crafty opponent ... you should wait until he's not looking and then hit him in the knees. Man can't stand, he can't fight.

Now some wishy-washy types will try to tell you that such a strategy is "illegal" or "ill-advised" or "endangering another man's career with a pointless preseason block." Don't listen to those people. You play the game to win, even when you're only playing to learn who needs to be cut from the third string. Heck, knocking Eugene Wilson out of commission just makes the Texans job easier!

Favre's illegal block draws mixed reviews [Star Tribune]
'MNF' crew criticizes Brett Favre after controversial block - The Huddle: Football News from the NFL [USA Today]
Brett Favre tries to end former Patriots safety Eugene Wilson's season with ugly cheap shot [Examiner]

* * * * *

Tuesday is here. Yes, even in Canada.

The woman told the mechanics that she planned to take the goat to St. Paul and then slaughter it, but decided she need a quick tune up in Winona, Minnesota, first. That's over 100 miles away from her destination. She left the car for service—with the goat still in the trunk—and when mechanics opened it up they saw that the goat had been painted purple and had a No. 4 shaved into its side. Then about an hour later, they realized that this was odd behavior and called animal control.

It is not known at this time if the woman was planning to kill the goat as a sacrifice to the new Viking chieftain or as part of some psychotic Packer vengeance ritual. Winona is on the Wisconsin border, so it's possible the woman in question is a Cheesehead. However, there is concern that her brain may actually be made of cheese, because her skull is obviously pretty soft. What kind of lunatic puts a live goat in a trunk like they're in some farmland version of Goodfellas? Come on, Midwest. This isn't helping your cause.

By the way, the animal was confiscated and turned over to a vet for foster care, sparing him his humiliating fate.

Everyone has handled the Brett Favre comeback differently. Some weep, some curse ... and some paint a live goat purple and gold, shave a "4" on it and then drive it 150 miles to cut its throat before the gods of football. Whatever gets you through the night.

Repair shop finds goat in car trunk [Winona Daily News]
Crazy Minnesota Fans Paint Goat Purple and Gold, Shave No. 4 into it, and Shove it in a Trunk [The Big Lead]

Even the Lions and Bengals are also trying to capitalize on this sick trend. Dog leashes, jerseys, water dishes. Every team in the NFL is selling pet accessories, many of which can be personalized to include Favre's name and number (or anyone other gruesome football thugs that make you sick.) It's just gross. Don't they realize that if everyone sees little Bowser in a Vikings #4 onesie—or worse, a Cowboys shirt—that all the other dogs at the park run will hate him? Why would you put a poor defenseless animal through that?

It's true that these disgusting products pre-dated the return of Brett Favre and that any product that's available to one team can be made available to all of them (just like those equally offensive Alyssa Milano baseball tank tops) but I still think it's despicable. The NFL should burn all these products in a giant bonfire before I become more offended. Shame on you, NFL Shop. People who hate Brett Favre fans deserve better.

Want to buy a customized Michael Vick Eagles jersey for your dog? NFL says okay ... for $39.99 [NY Daily News]
NFL Madness - #7 Michael Vick Dog Jersey [Bob's Blitz]
Doggie dress-up [Philadelphia Daily News]
Not cool guys [German Village Media]

Surely earning hazard pay, I scoured the Rants and Raves sections of Cheese Country. As usual, some language is decidedly NSFW, and, as always, everything is highly [sic]ed.

•"WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU BRENT!!!(douche bag)"

• "This year I'll be cheering when he throws a pick instead of swearing so much it would make Oliver Stone blush. This year I'll be jumping for joy when he gets sacked instead of gasping. Unfortunately, I will likely be cursing Favre for winning games for his team this year instead of cursing him for losing games for mine. I hope I'm wrong, although I follow enough football to doubt that I am.

• "Hearing that his jersey is still being made in green and gold makes me sick.. Now instead of going through narcotic with drawls he is going through media with drawls, not having his "name" praised every damn day in the football world! Just proves he'll do anything to hear his name!! I hope they BOO his ass out so fucking loud the day he steps on the Packer's field!!!!!, I know I will be one of them BOOOOing!!"

• "I am a Viking now because I am a Brett Favre fan. Aaron Rodger doesn't play to play. He plays for the fame, money and chick. He is one ugly sack of shit. Brett Favre will always be number 1. I hope Green Bay gets creamed and then Ted Thompson and the rest of those dumb@$$e$ will realized what they have lost."

• "I want to say that I am sorry to the Vikings and their fans. It is not their fault that some idoit thought that Brett still had anything left in him. You know what they say there is always next year. The Jets are so greatful that they may have a chance at the Superbowl now that their has been quarterback is gone. Now all the Vikings need is Michael Vick and T.O. and they would have a first class has been low life team that goes no where but to jail or home to cry!!!!!"

• "brent favre hes over the hill and a waste of space vikings are pathetic if they sign him up, his time has come and gone"

• "Hey asshole.....you wanna boo someone.....BOO TED THOMPSON...HE IS THE FUCKHEAD WHO SAID NO TO BRETT ! GO PLAY SOMEWHERE ELSE JUST NOT WITH ONE OF OUR RIVALS.....I WOULD BE PISSED TO ! He named that useless piece of shit Rodger's before training camp last year. TELL ME....HOW THE FUCK YOU NAME A STARTING QB BEFORE TRAINING CAMP ...HOW ?????? SOME OF YOU PACKER FANS HAVE NO CLUE OR A ACCEPTABLE IQ TO EVEN BE A FAN OR MUCH LESS POST ON CRAIGSLIST ! I HOPE THE FUCK THEY BLOW THE PACKERS OUT BOTH GAMES.....THEN GUESS WHAT.....CAN YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT I'M THINKING ? MAYBE THEN THEY WILL FIRE THE WHOLE BUNCH OF THOSE IDIOTS IN THE OFFICE ! START WITH TED THEN MARK....AND GET RID OF MIKE AS WELL. 6-10....AND WE MIGHT GO 8-8 THIS YEAR...NO GOOD UNACCEPTABLE ! UNDERSTAND !"

• "Well I was going to be generous and predict a record of 8-8 for the Packers this year. Now, however, Brett Favre is back so that's two guaranteed losses to the Vikings. I'll say they'll get lucky somewhere else and end up with a 7-9 record. Before any of die-hard douche bags start bitching and predicting a Super Bowl run please realize that both these records are an improvement on last year."

• "You never shit in the back yard you grew up in and never shit on your neighbors who have been good to you."

And, from Chad Ochocinco:

"Retiring and coming back is my new celebration, the only thing I can do and not get fined for!!!! After every touchdown I'm calling it quits."