Pistons Use Avada Kedavra Curse, Eliminate Magic From Playoffs

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's really starting to hate Gregg Popovich. When he's not nodding off due to Pop's slow-it-the-hell-down style of coaching, he can be found making raspberries at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

What's blue, white and eliminated all over? The Orlando Magic, of course! Despite Jameer Nelson's guarantee — or maybe because of it — the Magicians made themselves disappear from the 2008 NBA Playoffs by losing 91-86 in Detroit. And they could have earned a few O.W.L.s for conjuring up this amazing feat of suck.

Celtics Shown Up By LeBron, Punked By LeBron's Mom

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's starting to think Tuesday is the new Monday. When he's not wishing he was still chillin' in bed, he can be found rubbing his chin in a thoughtful way at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Welcome To Cleveland's Roadkill Cafe. Swarming defense, a brutal posterization of the Defensive Player of the Year, a superstar potty mouth, and LeBron's momma ... these were all part of an 88-77 Cavaliers win that had Doc Rivers and his Celtics clicking their ruby slippers together and chanting "There's no place like TD Banknorth Garden...there's no place like TD Banknorth Garden..."

The Spurs Are Still Hanging Around

KG's Jedi Mind Tricks Don't Work In Cleveland

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who suggests that you see Iron Man immediately if you haven't already seen it. And if you have seen it, see it again. When he's not marketing major motion pictures for free, he can be found playing cards with Bigfoot at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Celtics receive a Cleveland steamer. It may feel natural to compare Boston's performance last night to poop, but that's actually an insult to poop everywhere. The Celtics fell behind 32-13 in the first quarter and never really challenged, eventually suffering an embarrassing 108-84 defeat. That, my friends, is what I like to refer to as negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages. Or wrestling the brown corn-belly snake. Or taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. Or — and this is my personal favorite — singing with Michael Bolton. Okay. I've hit my quota of poop jokes for the month. What a relief.

In Salt Lake City, The Bottle Hits You

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who would like to abuse his position to give a public shout-out to his buddy Dave, who just got his Master's Degree from Purdue University. Way to go, Dave! When he's not making with the gratuitous congratulations, he can be found trimming his unibrow at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Lakers get Boozed up. Is the Carlos Boozer Playoff Slump finally over? It sure looked like it last night. The Boozman dropped in 27 points (12-for-21) and snatched a career playoff-high-tying 20 rebounds, and the Jazz gave the Lakers a 104-99 hangover. The kind with a throbbing headache and crippling diarrhea. Oh, and increased sensitivity to light. I always hate that part.

Invasion Of The LeBron Snatchers!

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who could be replaced by an alien doppelganger any day now. It's been nice knowing you. When he's not trying to organize an underground resistance, he can be found practicing his "Nanu Nanu" at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

We are all witnesses...to an alien invasion! The Martians have struck again. This time, they kidnapped our King and replaced him with a near-to-exact duplicate. It looks like LeBron James. It rumbles through the paint like LeBron James. It probably even cries like LeBron James. They only thing our soon-to-be space overlords forgot was to turn the doppelganger's basketball dial up to 11. I mean, are we really supposed to believe that The Chosen One suddenly forgot how to play basketball? Nice try, Zi'Zhizhipheq of Thooq. But we humans didn't evolve from ocean sludge yesterday, you know. We'll be sending Bruce Willis to kick your space butts now. Yippee ki-yay, you green bastards.

Kobe, Pretentious Lakers Fans Celebrate A Lifetime Of Achievement

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is about to take you to another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into the wondrous land of the NBA. Next stop, the Basketbawful zone. Enjoy!

That was just so Hollywood. Kobe Bryant got his perfect script. On the night he was presented his Lifetime Achievement Award MVP, his 34 points, 8 rebounds and 6 assists helped lead the Lakers to a 120-110 victory over the Utah Jazz in Game 2 of the teams' second-round series. The only thing missing was Mamba slithering back to the locker room in slow motion while Chariots of Fire played in the background.

Merciful God Answers Prayers, Ends Game 1 Of Cavs-Celts Series

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who woke up this morning without Internet access and had to rush off to a Caribou Coffee, where the "free WiFi hotspot" actually cost him a bag of Deep River potato chips. When he's not finding a way to do his Deadspin column at the last second, he can be found wiping the sweat out of his armpits at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Well, that was sure...entertaining. Did you enjoy the 1994 NBA Finals? Do you miss those halcyon days of the Knicks-Heat rivalry? Has watching the Spurs slowly and methodically grind their opponents into paste over the last 10 years been the highlight of your existence? Then Game 1 of the Cavaliers-Celtics series was for you! And you are a freak. Please stay away from me and my column. I'm kidding. Keep reading. I get bonuses for page views.

Pistons, 19th Century Technology Defeat Magic

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's interested to see how the Celtics plan to stop LeBron tonight. (He suggests napalm and well-trained attack dogs.) When he's not making violent anti-LeBron plans, he can be found relieving his NBA bladder at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Mmmm...more home cookin'. The Detroit Pistons had the Orlando Magic over for a little playoff dinner, and Stan Van Gundy's team is still choking on the crap they got served at the end of the third quarter. The game clock mysteriously froze at 4.8 seconds, which gave Chauncey Billups the extra time he needed to hit a momentum-changing three-pointer with "0.5 seconds" left. The three-that-wasn't-a-three gave the Pistons a 78-76 lead going into the fourth. Here's some video of the refs getting it wrong. Here's some video of the TNT broadcasters proving the refs got it wrong. And here are some reactions from both sides. Guess which side was not okay with it?

Congratulatory Hugs Aren't What They Used To Be

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is eagerly awaiting the Hawks-Celtics game. When he's not stenciling a green shamrock on his butt cheeks, he can be found holding Damon Wayans hostage at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Bird droppings. It's finally official: There will be no first round upset of the Boston Celtics. And after yesterday's 99-65 spit-roasting, there's barely enough left of the upstart Hawks to fill a doggy bag.

Pistonmania Is Running Wild On The Magic!

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is eagerly awaiting the Hawks-Celtics game. When he's not stenciling a green shamrock on his butt cheeks, he can be found holding Damon Wayans hostage at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

The Pistons have officially "Hulked out." No, I'm not talking about Bill Bixby or even Jenny McCarthy. I'm referring to the old Hulk Hogan riff where he'd get beaten up badly enough to kill a full-grown moose but — right before losing his last hit point — immediately return to full health, shaking and flexing like somebody just stuffed his junk into an electrical outlet. Then he'd take two punches to the face without being fazed, block the third, deliver three punches of his own, fling his opponent to the ropes, kick them in the head, give them the atomic leg drop, and pin them. Worked every time...for 20 years.

Hornets Tell It Like It Is, Spurs Fall to Pieces

He Who Laughs Last, Moves On...

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who forgot to write a new introductory paragraph yesterday and feels like a douche about it. When he's not refreshing female genitalia, he can be found taking a siesta at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Who knew Darius Songaila was so important? After the Cleveland Cavaliers eliminated the Washington Wizards from the playoffs — again — with a 105-88 blowout victory, Antonio Daniels was left thinking about what might have been. "Three times in a row. It's tough. But who knows what happens if we have a healthy team? A healthy Gilbert Arenas? If we had Darius Songaila for Game 6 ... who knows what happens?" I'm not a trained mathematologist, but I'm pretty sure Songaila's 5 PPG and 3 RPG wouldn't have made up that 17-point deficit. But whatever helps you sleep at night, Tony.

Deep 76'ed

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is mourning the Suns today. When he's not being bummed out, you can find him hating the Spurs at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

The dream be dead. What can I say? The Philadelphia 76ers defied expectations by making it to the playoffs and then shocked the basketball world by taking a 2-1 series lead over the Detroit Pistons in the first round. They have a lot to be proud of. But the Pistons are the better team, period. And once they decided to pay attention, the proved it. Big time: 100-77.

King Assassinated By The Butler

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who's glad things are going back to D.C. When he's searching the Internets for "The Butler Did It" t-shirts, he can be found growing a DeSwhawn Stevenson beard at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

LeBron is no Kyra Sedgwick. Sorry. TNT has officially gotten to me. Anyway, King James had 34 points, 10 rebounds and 7 assists last night, but he also committed a game-high 5 turnovers and missed 13 of his 21 shots, including a layup at the buzzer that would have closed out the series. As it stands, the Wizards won 88-87...thanks mostly to Caron Butler.

It's Deja Vu In The NBA Playoffs

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is mourning the Suns today. When he's not being bummed out, you can find him hating the Spurs at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

I feel like we've seen this before, Part I. Well, Dirk Nowitzki and his Mavericks got the playoff matchup they wanted...and five games later, they're once again on the outside looking in. Surprise, surprise.

Big Surprises In Denver! (But Not Really)

The NBA Closer is written by Kyra Sedgwick ... I mean, Matt McHale, would be pretty happy to see more basketball and fewer promos from TNT, thank you very much. When he's hating on TNT's internal marketing campaign, he can be found skipping to his lou at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

Quitters never win. The Nuggets didn't give up on this game — they actually fought tooth and nail to the bitter end — but that didn't change the end result: The Lakers completed their four-game sweep with a 107-101 win.

You'll Never Believe What Happened Yesterday (Actually, You Probably Will)

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, would like the springtime weather to actually reach Chicago. It can happen any time now. When he's not ruing unseasonably low temperatures in the midwest, he can be found trying to warm his hands at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

The Maverick meltdown: Will it ever end? For about 12 minutes, it looked like the Dallas Mavericks were picking up right where they left off in Game 3. Then — and I know this is going to shock you — everything fell apart.