David Puddy approves. You know, if he were a real person and not a character played by Patrick Warburton on a sit-com.

Still, you have to reluctantly admire this misguided fellow's dedication to his obviously beloved New Jersey Devils. I suppose at least he's not painting his face.

In the interest of total disclosure, I once contemplated getting a Minnesota Vikings tattoo way back in 1998, when the Purple were on their way to a 15-1 season that culminated in utter disappointment in the NFC Championship game. Ugh. Thankfully, despite being young, dumb and full of rum, I chose wisely and elected not to get said tattoo. How stupid would I have felt when the Vikings move to Los Angeles in a couple of years? Governor Schwarzenegger is now a sworn enemy of the Weed household.

But enough about me. Of course, this is Weed Against Speed and I will be your humble host today here on Deadspin. Please send in any tips you might have and if you have a question for me personally, would like to anonymously tell me that I suck, or better yet, have some suggestions,you can e-mail me at weedagainstspeed@gmail.com.

Alrighty then. Let's keep it light and have some fun today.

It's time for a little breezin', people.

Thanks to John for the pic tip.

Unless you're in the growing league of Martin Brodeur haters. In that case, the last minute of the Devils-Hurricanes will give you sweet, sweet dreams. At least three of the four goals that he gave up last night have been labeled as "soft," and letting two slip by you in the last 80 seconds just isn't good for morale. And sorry, folks, but he's not going to take all the blame.

Against a team that luck follows against us, we let them hang around and the puck bounced on their side again. We had our chances to get the puck out on that shift. ... I was in a good position, he made a better shot. Players with that much speed are going to make some shots. We were trying all series to not let him have that much speed."

As for Carolina, they get Boston now, a team that's been sitting on their hands since sweeping Montreal about eight weeks ago. (Oh, and the Capitals beat the Rangers, of course, completing their 3-1 comeback.) That was a pleasant little first-round wasn't it?

SHOCKED BRODEUR KNOWS LOSS WILL BE FROZEN IN TIME [New York Post]
New Jersey Devils' stunning playoff exit against Carolina Hurricanes [Star-Ledger]
Hurricanes manufacture a miracle in 80 seconds [News & Observer]

The crowd was barely awake until they called his name for the starting lineup and they gave up their first of many rousing cheers for him that night. The hated New Jersey Devils were in town, led by Avery's favorite foil Martin Brodeur, and the sellout crowd was looking for blood. They didn't get it, but it didn't really matter, because the game is definitely more interesting with the villain on the ice.

Of course, everyone who isn't a Ranger fan hates Sean Avery's guts. Almost immediately, you could see the frustration building among the Devils players. Several of them tried desperately to take shots at Avery throughout the game—including Brodeur, but that was mostly because he was standing on the goalie's leg pads during a first-period power play. Avery refused to take the bait, which of course frustrated them even more. He delivered a monster check on Johnny Oduya late in the game, but even after David Clarkson threw him to the ice—twice—he wouldn't drop his stick and gloves. I guess those anger management classes are working.

I understand that you can't really have a guy publicly insulting the virtue of famous female actresses, but it really is a shame the NHL wants to handcuff this guy and turn him into another anonymous NHL forward. The home crowd loves him, opposing crowds have a reason to show up and hate him, and he's a pretty good player. He's not the best, by any stretch, but he may be the best at what he does ... and he's certainly the most interesting player in the league. Outside of goalie Henrik Lundquist (who pitched an impressive shutout), no one else was getting chants and ovations from the home crowd last night. Avery makes every game he is in more fun—and he makes the Rangers better—so what's more important than that?

A Fuller Portrait of Sean Avery vs. the Devils [Slap Shot - NY Times]
Recap: Devils @ Rangers - 03/30/2009 [NHL.com]

Ok, technically, using this spin-o-rama move on a penalty/shootout shot is not illegal—because it explicitly says so in the rule book. (Seriously, the NHL rule book contains the word "spin-o-rama." Amazing.) So it's fair ... but is it nice? The Devils' Bobby Holik doesn't think so.

"I know it's legal, but it's so un-hockey," he said. "I think it's B.S. There was so much back-tracking you could do pretty much anything. I know the league loves it because it's exciting, but the puck should always be moving forward.

He's not the only one who feels the move violates the spirit, if not the letter of the law. The book says the puck (and by implication, the player) should always be moving forward. But Stephen Walkom, the N.H.L.’s director of officiating, says if you could do it on a breakway, you should be able to do it on a penalty shot. There's being creative, and then there's playing the game the "right" way. These are the kind of debates that tear nations apart.

Or maybe if offensive guys can pull a whirling dervish, then maybe goalies should be pull out any trick they like. After all, if they're even going to be accused of throwing sticks even when they don't, what hope do goalies have in this world? Can't we all just get along?

You make the call: Is the spinarama a fair shootout move? [Star-Ledger]
Taking a Legal but Controversial Tactic for a Spin [NY Times]
Call It the Curse of Barry Melrose: Tampa Bay Gets Robbed in Shootout [Fanhouse]

No fewer than three citizen journalists were close enough to the action at the Devils-Rangers game last night to catch these two boisterous New York gentlemen being politely removed by security. The lesson here is that you will never do anything embarrassing for the rest of your days that will not be captured on video and placed on the internet.

The good news is that Rangers won, 5-2. It was only the third time in 101 meetings that they have faced a Devils goalie who was not named Martin Brodeur. Not that these boys were around to see it or anything.

Devils Security Takes on Rangers Fan In Jersey [Hugging Harold Reyonlds]

Two years ago, the Rangers got swept out of the postseason by their Deviled foes, and their revenge came in New Jersey despite the Devils scoring a goal off one of the Rangers' faces (video?). The Devils got their last laugh by ... having their goalie not shaking Sean Avery's hand. Oh ... snap?

"I shook everyone's hand, everyone but one," Brodeur said without mentioning Avery by name. "I don't care how he feels about it."

I'm sure they'll patch things up by the next time they play.

Marty Brodeur: No Shake For Sean Avery [NY Daily News]

(Screengrabbery via The Sports Hernia)

No. 4 New Jersey Devils (46-29-7, 99 Points; Beat the Lightning last postseason before getting ass-whupped by Ottawa) vs. No. 5 New York Rangers (42-27-13, 97 Points; Swept the Thrashers before losing to Buffalo in what someone upstate probably considered "The Battle of New York.")

At Devils home games, there's a fairly common chant in the cheap seats: "Rangers Suck," followed quickly by "Flyers Swallow." On the occasion of this latest installment of "The Battle of the Hudson," and with the Flyers lurking in the conference playoffs as well, we feel it's necessary to examine this observation from the Devils' faithful and determine who, exactly, gets it worse: The Rangers or the Flyers?

Taking into consideration the explicit sexual connotation of the chant, the Flyers appear meant to be the more demeaned of the two teams, reaching a punctuated level of emasculating finality. But the swallower, at least to us, infers someone who has reaped the rewards but hasn't put in the effort; someone, for example, who picks up the bowling trophy without ever having seen a pin go down.

The sucker, as it were, infers someone who has put in the work but does not reach finality or reap any reward. True, the inherent homophobia in the chant makes the sucker as humiliated as swallower; but isn't there something more noble about the workmanlike symbolism in the Rangers' sucking rather than the privileged insinuation of the Flyers' swallowing? Especially if the work is the reward for the Rangers. Or, as Pearl S. Buck once said: "To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth."

OK, considering the chant, perhaps using a quote with the word "fountain" may not have been appropriate. Or a quote from someone named "Pearl," now that I think of it.

Key Match-Up for New Jersey: Any Devil against Jaromir Jagr. Ever since the days of Scott Stevens concussing anyone he could lay a shoulder into, the Devils have always had an effective game-plan against Jagr. Whether it's Jay Pandolfo or John Madden or Colin White or David Clarkson, New Jersey will flat out piss Jags off - might like they did when these teams last met in the postseason, and Jagr injured his arm trying to punch Scott Gomez in the back of the head. If the Rangers are going to win, they need Jagr to not be the streaky headache he's been in the regular season.

Key Match-Up for New York: Sean Avery against any Devil. Everyone's favorite asshole has already stirred the pot against Marty Brodeur, Zach Parise and Clarkson this season. Avery scrapped with Clarkson yesterday, in fact. He's not scoring much these days, but Avery certainly knows how to get under your skin and get you off your game. He could be the most annoying thing New Jersey's seen since gay governor jokes.

Worst Case Scenario for New Jersey: The series goes six games, preventing the Devils from setting a franchise record with four sellouts in the first round of the playoffs. (I kid, I kid.) Oh, and four words: Starting Goalie Kevin Weekes.

Worst Case Scenario for New York. Chris Drury fails to conjure up any postseason magic, Lundqvist is outplayed by Marty, and Jagr says "fuck this shit" and gets on a plane for Omsk by Game 3.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Devils in seven. I have tickets to Game 2 in Jersey. Yes, I'm already warming up my vocal chords.

Vital YouTubeage: Teach your children well...even if they're Islander fans:

No. 4 Anaheim Ducks (47-27-8, 102 Points; Current keepers of the Big Silver Thingy) vs. No. 5 Dallas Stars (45-30-7, 97 Points; Wasted three Marty Turco shutouts and lost to Vancouver in Round One)

Has another team gone from somewhat acceptable Stanley Cup champion to completely loathsome as quickly as the Anaheim Ducks? I mean, besides the 1995 Devils?

Seems like just yesterday we were happy for Teemu Selanne on the occasion of his first Stanley Cup; joyful that the Bros. Niedermayer were able to drink from the same silver chalice; happy for J-S Giguere for winning the big prize after dealing with the difficult birth of his newborn son early in the playoffs; and generally in awe of everything George Parros.

Fast forward a season, and Selanne and Scott Niedermayer are lazy veterans whose procrastination and eventual success may lead to a rewriting of the NHL rulebook; the Ducks are viewed as a collection of physical brutes, led by perhaps the most talented thug this side of Tupac in Chris Pronger; heck, even Parros's mustache doesn't turn the key anymore.

Meanwhile ... hey, remember when everyone was about to hand Dallas the Stanley Cup after the Brad Richards trade? Well, since then, he's been outscored (12 points) by both of the forwards who went to Tampa Bay - Jussi Jokinen (18 points) and Jeff Halpern (14 points). The Stars are also missing defenseman Sergei Zubov, which would really hurt if they had a chance in hell of winning the Stanley Cup this season.

Key Match-Up for Dallas: The Stars' power play against the Ducks' kill. If Dallas has a prayer of winning this series, it needs hang goals on that Anaheim defense whenever it can - especially with the Ducks missing scorer Corey Perry and having a second line that fluctuates between being pointless and worthless. Anaheim's kill was 12th in the League; Dallas went 9-for-23 on the power play in its five wins over the Ducks this season and 0-for-15 in its three losses. I'm no math major, but...

Key Match-Up for Anaheim: Chris Pronger's elbow against any player whose head is about that height. Pronger just finished his suspension for trying to break a Ryan Kesler scissor-lock by slicing off Kesler's leg with his skate. Please recall last postseason, when Pronger was suspended twice for violent infractions against smaller players. This does not bode well for Mike Ribeiro.

Worst Case Scenario for Dallas: After a one-postseason reprieve, Marty Turco's five-hole once again becomes as well-trafficked as the Lincoln Tunnel.

Worst Case Scenario for Anaheim. The offense is non-existent, Marty outplays Giggy and Pronger has another "episode" that derails his postseason.

Well, If You're Going To Twist My Arm: Ducks in six. Turco's good for a couple of wins, but Anaheim's physical advantage is too much for the Stars. And Dallas losing the first round is, at this point, a rite of Spring.

Vital YouTubage: Trying to win a truck with a parody of "The Office." Needs less Duck, more Schrute.

More Arnie/Ducks photos found here.

Brodeur Rising. Atlanta's Ilya Kovalchuk notched a beauty in this one, taking over the NHL goal-scoring lead with 22 in 26 games, which puts him on pace for 69 on the season. [insert joke below] The real story in this one, a 3-2 shootout win by the Devils, was Marty Brodeur, who has now won seven in a row and allowed only eight goals in his last eight starts. Which leads me to blame remarital bliss for the NHL's scoring woes. The once-struggling Devils are now tied for fourth in the East, likely due to the extra practice they get every time their new rink is cordoned off while they're still inside. (Or so Barry Melrose told me.)

Luongo's Wild Ride. Few things make a grown man cry quite like getting annihilated in fantasy sports, and given my hapless teams were both pitted against Roberto 'No Goalo' Luongo this week, it's been a tear-filled time in Mirtleville. Heading into the Canucks' 2-1 loss to the Minnesota Wild last night, Roberto hadn't let in a goal in more than 210 consecutive minutes, posting three shutouts in a row and slightly lessening my will to live. It took a green, hulked out Sean Hill firing a rocket at the net, combined with a tip by Eric Belanger, to finally beat Bobby Lou. Very satisfying free lap dances for all!

Goilers! The Edmonton wing of the blogosphere was on death's door not two weeks ago, deflated due to a lack of Gary Coleman, and this prompted the team to start winning a few games. Every Oilers-Ducks game this season has a sublime subtext, with Anaheim holding Edmonton's first-round pick this June, but the Oilers took this one and are on a 5-2-0 roll. Only in Alberta would a 30-year-old Italian man's return from a debilitating bout of ulcerative colitis inspire lyrical prose.

X-rated businesses might find a home in the swamps of Jersey.

This Bergen County town introduced an ordinance that would create an adult entertainment zone for strip clubs, massage parlors, porn stores and tattoo shops across from the Meadowlands Sports Complex.

Mayor James Cassella told The Record of Bergen County the ordinance is needed to prevent adult businesses from opening near schools and homes.

They can give whatever reasons they want, but the intent here is clear: to make the Nets, Devils, Giants, and Jets more popular destinations for potential free agents. They can't do anything to make the weather nicer, but the proximity to titties? They can fix that one.

Porn shops to open near Meadowlands? [Sun Sentinel]