Bob Forsch was the NLCS MVP, and now we face the hated Yankees — Don Mattingly finally made a World Series! — in the Series starting Saturday. The manager of the Yankees is Bill Daughtry, of ESPN Radio 1050-New York. We say screw Dale Berra. In a perfect world, this would be the second of three consecutive World Series appearances for our 'Birds ... though we're gonna actually try to win this one. Stay away, Denkinger!

1986: Take Two [The Sporting News]

Kyle Farnsworth, pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth himself, is profiled in the New York Daily News as ... as a master baker.

"We have a bake-off every year and the kids are the judges," says Shayla Pert, his fiancée. "He always wins; I think he pays them. He's a great baker. He's Betty Crocker. He makes the best peanut butter cookies ever."

Yep. Kyle Farnsworth, quiet, reserved, refined family man. Totally. We absolutely believe that.

OK, Dugout crew: Your turn. We're all waiting.

Grand Theft Farnsworth [The Dugout]
Kyle Farnsworth's Softer Side [New York Daily News]

At issue is an incident on Thursday in which Chamberlain became somewhat demonstrative — pumping his fist and so forth — after striking out the Indians' David Dellucci.

"That's just not the Yankee way, what Joba did. Let everyone else do that stuff, but not a Yankee," Gossage said by telephone on Saturday. ... "there's no one to pass the torch anymore, no one to teach the young kids how to act. The Mets did a lot of that [celebrating] last year, and look how it came back to haunt them."

Is Gossage predicting a similar collapse by the Yankees? Well, first they have to GET to first. I'm not sure where I stand on the concept of old players coming back and telling current ones how to behave. Isn't that the manager's job? Joe Girardi needs to put a clamp on those antics stat, if that's the kind of team he wants. On the other hand, it's Goose freakin' Gossage, who could still probably kill you with a fresh dinner roll from 20 yards away. I'd probably listen to what he had to say.

Klapisch: Goose Tells Joba To Act Like A Yankee [The Record]

Sexson now just tossing helmets in disgust: Hours after the announcement came down from MLB that he would be served with a 6-game suspension for charging the mound oh-so-daintily Thursday against the Rangers, Richie Sexson did nothing to justify his appeal, going 0-for-4 in the Mariners' ninth loss in 10 games.

Depending on Jeter's next conquest, he's entering the rarified air of such cooze-hounding heavyweights like Robert Evans, Kelly Slater, and Scott Baio. (Oh, and Bo Belinsky.)

Let's gaze longingly and agogingly (author's note: not a real word) at Jeter's bodycount:

• Scarlett Johansson
• Gabrielle Union
• Mariah Carey
• Jessica Biel
• Vanessa Minillo
• Jessica Alba

Jesus.

Derek Jeter: American Hero [Russakof Rules] (via)(via)
Photo: NY Post

As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation. I don't know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, 'Can we call your mother?' And I started, 'No. Let's wait and make sure that I am in labor, and make sure that, you know, it's the middle of the night.' And go to the hospital and everything. And finally, a few hours later, I said, 'I think you can call my mom now.'

"Uh, and the color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom. And then forget it. I was like not even having a baby; he was the one. The one nurse had a cold cloth on his head. The other nurse had the blood pressure on his arm. And my mother was like rubbing his back. And he is passed out on a couch. And I am there, in the middle of labor. And really, I am not being paid much attention to besides the doctor and a couple of nurses. And he is there moaning. In between pushing, I am going, 'Honey, are you OK?' And are you breathing? Are you OK?' "

And that, friends, is why you should never, ever get caught walking around with a muscular stripper in Las Vegas.

A-Rod Not So Clutch In The Delivery Room [LoHud Blog]

According to authorities, Ivonne Hernandez had gotten into a fight with another woman in the parking lot of a Nashua, N.H. bar. As she was leaving, the other woman and the group she was with — all Red Sox fans — noticed that Hernandez had a Yankees sticker on her car. They began taunting her, yelling "Yankees suck!," prompting Hernandez to turn her 1997 Dodge Intrepid toward the group. She accelerated and slammed into a 29-year-old man, Matthew Beaudoin, killing him.

"I want her to rot in a cold jail cell for the rest of her life and remember every day the face that hit her windshield," Faith Beaudoin, the victim's sister, said in a phone interview. "I want her to remember that she took a wonderful, kind-hearted gentleman. She has children of her own. How could she want to harm another's child?"

Hernandez, a 43-year-old mother from Nashua, was arrested at the scene. Amazingly, alcohol seems to have been involved. And here's the mug shot you've all been waiting for. Form an orderly line, fellers.

Here's a tribute to the late Red Sox fan.

Sox-Yankee Rivalry Cited In N.H. Fatality [Boston Globe]
Yankees Fans Hate Red Sox Fans [Larry Brown Sports]

Of course, none of that may match Reed Johnson's painful looking snag in center.

• Red Sox lose! Yankees lose! Rest of the world wins! The Sawx had chances to win in the 9th, 10th and 11th, before Nathan Haynes drove to Carl Crawford to lift the Rays to a 5-4 win in the bottom of the frame. Giving up the winning run? The reliably terrible Mike Timlin, he of the 13.50 ERA. Meanwhile, in a non-bug infested (well, less bug infested) Cleveland, back-to-back homers by Jhonny Peralta and Franklin Gutierrez in the 5th powered the Tribe past the Yankees for a 6-4 win.
• Grasping at 'stros. The Houston bats awaken in time to rally in 9th off Jason Isringhausen, finished off by a Carlos Lee homer, to give them a 3-2 victory over the home Cardinals. The six-game winning streak puts Houston at .500, which may be slightly higher if you check their birth certificates.

The loss snapped New York's three-game winning streak. Chamberlain struck out two and retired the side in order in the eighth, but Carlos Quentin's one-out double and Crede's line single to center in the ninth did him in. "I only threw one curveball and that's the one that got hit," said Chamberlain, not mentioning his fateful interview with Andrews. "The disappointing part is that I let my team down." The Yankees have been saying for quite some time that the hype surrounding Chamberlain — who has pitched all of 33 1/3 innings in the big leagues — is getting out of control. And now he apparently says something inappropriate to Andrews, and knocks his career off the tracks. Yes, Joba Chamberlain flew too close to the sun, and now must fall back to Earth to fend for himself like other mortals. Pray for him.

• Rags To Riches Story. The tattered David Ortiz jinx jersey — the one that Yankees officials had dug up from beneath their new stadium earlier this month — sold at an eBay auction for $175,100 on Thursday. The Red Sox then went out and lost to the Angels, 7-5, powered by Gary Matthews Jr.'s two-run single in the seventh.

• Frank Is Back. Oakland's cleanup hitter looks familiar ... hey, it's Frank Thomas. The Big Hurt is back, having agreed to terms with the A's after being released Sunday by the Toronto Blue Jays. He went 0-for-3 with two walks, the A's scoring six runs in the first in an 11-2 win over the Twins. Donnie Murphy had solo homers in the fifth and sixth innings.

• Things Looking Up In Washington. Felipe Lopez tied a career high with six RBI thanks to a homer and a two-run single, leading the Nationals past the Mets 10-5. Meanwhile, Elijah Dukes finished his probation by mopping out zoo cages, and should be back soon for Washington.

• Giants Not In Last. Tim Lincecum (4-0, 1.23 ERA) extended his scoreless streak to 16 1/3 innings beating the Padres 1-0. Rich Aurilia homered for the only run. San Diego is 7 1/2 games behind the front-running Diamondbacks in the West.

• Today's Quiz. OK, are the Tigers officially back, or are the Rangers just that bad?

(UPDATE: Andrews says she was talking to her producer, and that Joba's fine.)

The Yankees contacted the visiting clubhouse manager of every stadium where they play and asked that the candy and ice cream be removed before the team comes to town. The clubhouse in Tampa Bay replaced all the candy with nuts, dried fruit and granola. It was hilarious to watch as guys smuggled in candy bars and ate them furtively at their lockers.

It's easy to picture this if you think of Joba Chamberlain as Hurley from Lost.

Other ways you know the Yankee candy ban is serious:

• Instead of cork, hollowed-out bats now contain Reese's Pieces.

• Mussina doctoring pitches with chocolate hidden under brim of cap.

• Peppermint jocks.

• Steinbrenner laying off Oompa Loompas right and left.

• Jason Giambi tests positive for nougat.

Eat Healthy, Play Better? [LoHud Yankee Blog]

This is why we bring our scorebook to the games and stare straight forward. This summer, the Leitch family is heading to Fenway for a Cardinals-Red Sox game. Let's all be nice, OK? We let you in Busch Stadium for free in 2004. Let's not fight. Heavens.

Yankees-Red Sox Fight Includes Punches, Acrobatics [Busted Coverage]

Pope Benedict is going to give mass at "The Cathedral," but, you know, this is Yankee Stadium, so ya'll better stay off the grass.

The arena is home of the baseball team the New York Yankees and the Vatican has been told that the Popemobile will not be allowed to touch the grass.

Instead, the white armour-plated vehicle will do a lap of honour around the edge of the stadium.

Should be a fun trip; all of New York is in a tizzy. Though we wonder if The Pope — the most deified entity on Earth — will be improve his shortstop defense.

Popemobile Must Stay Off Grass At Yankee Stadium [The Fanhouse]
The Audacity Of Pope [Animal New York]

• Feelings of inadequacy.

• Derek Jeter diary with smiley faces dotting the I's.

• Thin layer of reptile skin shed by George Steinbrenner.

• Joba Chamberlain's Subway Sandwich Sub Club card.

• Alex Rodriguez's Brass Rail Strip Club card.

• Yankee Stadium frozen malt (caused broken jackhammer bit).

The construction worker, Gino Castignoli, a Red Sox fan, tipped off co-workers on Friday that he had buried the David Ortiz jersey as a prank, and to curse the Yankees. So Hank Stenbrenner did what any sane owner would do; madly start digging up a brand new park to find it. And now, this bit of news:

Trost said the Yankees had discussed possible criminal charges against Castignoli with the district attorney's office. "We will take appropriate action since fortunately we do know the name of the individual," he said. A spokesman for Bronx District Attorney Robert Johnson said Sunday he did not know whether any criminal charges might apply.

Thankfully all other crimes in the Bronx have been solved, so they have more than enough time for this.

Yankees Foil Jinx Attempt, Dig Up Buried Red Sox Jersey [USA Today]
Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Corpse-Sniffing Dog [MSN]

Our longtime antipathy to the current Yankee Stadium is well documented, but this new place looks gorgeous. Though we're not sure how we feel about drinking at a Martini Bar in the freaking Bronx.

Glam Slam! Yankees Show Off New Stadium's Bling [Curbed]

(UPDATE: As you probably would have expected, Simon & Schuster asked us to take down their excerpts, and we have complied. But you still know what's in them, not that you shouldn't buy the book anyway.)

"My wife and daughter both love New York," said A-Rod. "Four days after I opted out (and was living in Miami), my daughter says, 'I really miss my bedroom and my toys in New York.' I wanted to shoot myself. I said to my wife, 'What the —- are we doing?' "

Hey, that's as good a reason as any! More A-Rod wisdom:

"I went for the contract when my true desire was to go play for the Mets," Rodriguez said of his decision to ink his $252 million deal with Texas eight years ago. As A-Rod looked back on the events of the past offseason, he seemed haunted by the idea that in breaking free of the Yankees he could have made another decision based strictly on money and wound up as unhappy as he was in Texas for three years. ... "So to make the right decision just feels really good," Rodriguez said, "versus being taken down a road where I'm like, 'Oh, my God, where am I? Oh, $400 million to play in some place I hate? Great, I'll blow my —- head off.'

You see, Alex Rodriguez just wants to be loved. And that is sure to happen in New York, the only place where you can hit .314 with 54 homers and still be burned in effigy.

Well, if this steroids thing gets too hot, maybe he can play in Toronto.

A-Rod Regrets Saying No To Mets, Doesn't Make Same Mistake With Yankees [New York Daily News]
A-Rod Hates Him Some Texas [Deuce Of Davenport]

A-Rod's reaction is no reaction. How Zen.

When first told Tuesday morning that Canseco had leveled accusations against him, Rodriguez asked what more Canseco had said than in previous accusations. Told that Canseco had written about introducing him to a known supplier of steroids, Rodriguez said, "I really have absolutely no reaction."



Lavin, who posted his findings on his blog, joelavin.com, also reported that Canseco accused A-Rod of pursuing Canseco's wife, the reason for Canseco's clear animosity toward the Yankees' third baseman. When Rodriguez was told about that, he raised his eyebrows and asked, "He said that in his book?", then said, "I have absolutely no comment."

It's a pity that, if Lavin's findings are true, A-Rod is about to get pilloried because of allegations from Jose Canseco. Though, to be fair, if we were a young up-and-coming star, the minute we saw an aged, shriveling Jose Canseco sauntering toward us in the locker room, we'd hightail it in the opposite. Fast.

Canseco Goes After A-Rod In New Book [Newsday]
Source: Canseco Accuses A-Rod Of Steroid Abuse, Wife Coveting, In New Book [Deadspin]

So, here goes:

1. Boston Red Sox. We agree with Gillin from earlier today; the Red Sox seem destined for a slow start. But they're stacked and have even more guys coming. We still can't believe the Boston Red Sox are the model for all sports franchises right now.
2. New York Yankees. More proof: The Yankees, though they'll never admit it, are trying to follow the Red Sox plan to the letter.
3. Tampa Bay Rays. We can legitimately see them finishing over .500 this year. It was the "Devil."
4. Toronto Blue Jays. That whole budget increase didn't work out too well. At least we still have baseball in Canada somewhere.
5. Baltimore Orioles. Boy this is still going to get worse before this gets better.

Let's hear 'em, because baseball freaking starts tomorrow. (Kind of.) And tomorrow? The American League West

Our hockey writer, Lee Diekemper, sent us an email at 11:35 this morning, alerting us to check out the ESPN baseball headlines. Nine headlines, and only two of them didn't include the Yankees, Mets or Red Sox. Did contraction happen and we not get the memo?

And, didn't Kazmir formerly play for the Mets?

Of course this can all be written off as a coincidence. Certainly.

ESPN's NY/Boston Love Affair Continues [The Big Lead]

Amy Blair is a former columnist for The Black Table and now writes a weekly column for Eater. Her words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

My parents divorced in the early 1980s, and my father, seemingly having no idea what else to do with me when he had me for weekends, carted me off to the Bronx in a Ford Pinto with no air conditioning every other Saturday for a ballgame. The custody agreement granted me the Yankees and all the hot dogs I could eat, which seemed like a perfectly fair trade-off for, you know, domestic tranquility and what-not.

Back then the upper deck was vacant save for a spattering of old drunks and Yankee traditionalists. You could buy a ticket for $1.50, yet it was frequently so empty that I would be sent halfway around the stadium to fetch foul balls hit into sections where no one was sitting. This is difficult to imagine now. Of course, all I could think about was catching a homer off Dave Winfield. I don't mean to veer off too far into sentimentality; I am after all, the same person who punched a Red Sox fan outside of Yankees Stadium once, but this being the last year in the Stadium and all, well, it's getting me a little ... misty. (Isn't that precious; a sad Yankees fan!)

Not only is this the last season in Yankee Stadium, but it's looking to be a pretty big transition year for the Yanks all around. A lot hinges on Joe Girardi, since for the first time in eleven years someone other than Joe Torre will be managing the team. This is scary shit for Yankees fans, especially because I am still not entirely convinced that letting Torre walk away was the right decision (I know, I know, but we did, after all, see the postseason every year while he was coaching, along with that neat little prize of four World Series titles). But, like everybody else, I am completely over that debate (been there, done that). Not to mention the fact that I actually LIKE Girardi and think that New York is a great town for him as a manager. And anyway, if he shits the bed, we can always rely on the fact that the Steinbrenners will just buy us somebody better (ha haaa).

Our pitching staff is also in a major transition this season. Part of me is really excited about the possibilities, and part of me weeps when I think about the uncertainty. We are starting off a year in which, in a nutshell, half of our pitchers are too young and half of them are too old. Among the young ones, Philip Hughes looks like he should be flipping burgers at the Amarillo Checkers, Joba Chamberlain once weighed 290 pounds and looks suspiciously like he might decide to eat Latroy Hawkins (I have no idea who that is either), and Ian Kennedy is described as having all the tools of a — woohoo — #3 or #4 starter. The rest of the pitching staff is seemingly made up of a bunch of sixty-five year old retirees whom the Yankees scouted during a Bocce Ball tournament in Boca Raton. (Strangely, they're fan favorites). All that being said, it's the most promising and exciting (and yes, unpredictable) pitching staff we have seen in years.

As for the rest of the roster, nobody is really certain what the hell Robinson Cano is saying when he speaks, so who knows what's going on with him. And as we have all been told over and over again, there are a hundred other guys out there just as good as Melky Cabrera (lies, blasphemous lies!). Bobby Abreu, despite a slow start, still finished with his usual strong stats last year, and was deceptively solid and consistent over the second half of the season, providing every reason for the Yankees to exercise an option in his contract to bring him back. Jorge Posada had a career year, consistent from April through September, and shows no signs yet of slowing down, an amazing feat for a thirty-six year old everyday catcher. Johnny Damon showed up last year out of shape and was a mess for most of the first half. But he regained his place as one of the league's most effective leadoff men the second half of the season, and even reasserted his running abilities. Hell, even Shelly Duncan put on an electrifying display of power, and became a solid pinch-hitting option during the course of the year. And of course Jeter and A-Rod who are, and remain, Jeter and A-Rod. Everything should be fine and dandy, as long as Girardi doesn't let Giambi anywhere near first base.

But seriously, there is a youthful energy this spring that I have not felt since 1994 when Jeter, Williams, and Rivera were virtual unknowns. A large dose of uncertainty? Yes. But even so, it is undoubtedly nice to hang our hats again on homegrown young guys, and not the Kevin Browns and 'Roid Rockets of the world. Sure, the pitching issues, the new manager and the preseason brawl in Tampa Bay (didn't I mention that?) would probably equal very bad news for another team, but come on, this is the Yankees we're talking about. And wouldn't it just be so...Yankees-ish for us to win the World Series in our last year in our glorious old stadium? (Cue the booing, I can take it).

And if you aren't a Yankees fan, you can at least sleep well at night knowing that it wasn't your team that played a preseason game this year with Billy fucking Crystal. I'm still hurting from that one.

Seriously, Tampa. You mess with the pinstripes, and you're gonna ... well, you're not gonna! Yeah, take that!

"There are going to be problems, especially if they go after our stars. It's not going to be tolerated. We never have done it to them. It's just not going to happen anymore."

But they shouldn't go after Shelley Duncan! Absolutely not. Not when the Yankees, in a way, literally own the Rays:

"I don't want these teams in general to forget who subsidizes a lot of them, and it's the Yankees New York Yankees, the Red Sox, Dodgers, Mets New York Mets. I would prefer if teams want to target the Yankees that they at least start giving some of that revenue sharing and luxury tax money back. From an owners point of view, that's my point."

You just know there's an anti-blog screed lurking in the aorta of Hank's chest. C'mon, Little Stein. Let it out. It desires freedom.

Hank: We're Not Going To Take It [New York Post]

If you were a rich, beloved celebrity, and had the opportunity to take one at-bat against a Major League pitcher — well, Paul Maholm, anyway — goddammit, wouldn't you have to do it? Why else would someone want to be rich and famous? Crystal looked like the happiest guy on earth yesterday, like he knew he was the luckiest sumbitch on the planet and never wanted the day to end. (And realize that he had to deal with Robin Williams chattering at him in the dugout the whole time; yes, Robin, we know: Gay men are flamboyant, and accents are funny. Got it.) And he fouled a ball off! That counts for something too, in that tiny bit of the male brain in which this matters paramount.

Yeah: We're envious; who wouldn't be after watching the guy having the time of his life? But even though it's Billy Crystal, we couldn't be happier for him. That looked like so much fun. Doesn't it always? Isn't that why we watch?

Billy Crystal Has A Ball [Red Sox Monster]

The actor will sign a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees and play in Thursday's exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Crystal, an avid Yankees fan, will work out with the team on Wednesday and will wear uniform No. 60 for the game — to be played one day before his 60th birthday. The Yankees said Monday they have the approval of baseball commissioner Bud Selig.

Yankees' manager Joe Girardi, of course, doesn't believe that violent collisions at the plate have any place in a spring training game. But Buddy Young Jr.? Sure! Grab a bat!

And you thought that Selig was brain dead. Ha! Shows how much you know. Turns out it was only mostly dead.

Billy Crystal To Play Exhibition Game With New York Yankees [USA Today]

Yankees' manager Joe Girardi disagrees, however. And Don Zimmer disagrees with the disagreement.

So there was Zim Sunday, saying he was "dumbfounded" to hear that Girardi had taken exception to the way Rays rookie Elliot Johnson had bowled over Francisco Cervelli at the plate on Saturday, a collision that left the Yankees' catching prospect with a broken wrist. "What happens if our man slides in with the plate blocked and breaks his leg?" Zimmer said. "Their guy blocked the plate and our guy bowled him over. What's that got to do with spring training? That's the way you play the game."

Girardi had said on Saturday that the play was "uncalled for" in spring training. But instead of whining about it, catchers should be proactive and start wearing spiked shin guards.

Joe Girardi's Stance On Collision Stuns Mentor And Tampa Coach Don Zimmer [New York Daily News]
Where's The Line Between Playing Hard And Playing Dangerous? [AOL Fanhouse]

In an interview this weekend, Little Stein said that Red Sox Nation was an invention of ESPN, who's filled with Red Sox fans, and that this is still a country of Yankee fans. Even me. That Detroit Free Press insert hanging on my wall that they were handing out after the Tigers 2006 ALDS victory over the Yankees? It's because I really like the New York team.

That alone is enough proof that what Steinbrenner said is true. And now the retort by steel-drivin' Red Sox owner John Henry:

I'm a big Hank fan," Henry wrote. "Just to ensure he knows how cool Red Sox Nation is, today we officially inducted him as a member of Red Sox Nation and we are sending him his membership card giving him access to an array of options including our newsletter, bumper stickers, pins, Green Monster seats and a hat personally autographed by David Ortiz."

Loudmouth Hank Is Now A Member of RSN [Sox & Dawgs]

Honestly? For most of the way, Pettitte had the exact same facial expression he would have if he'd just been shelled for six runs in the first inning. (He teared up a little in the middle, but not because he seemed full of remorse; it was because he was the center of attention, and he hates that.) This is progress, we think. None of the Roger Clemens puffed-face anger and subsequent befuddlement. None of the MY REPUTATION IS ON THE LINE indignation. Just answering a bunch of questions, then heading out to play baseball. Don't look behind the curtain. Just move on.

He's completely full of bullshit. But we nevertheless agree with him, across the board.

Esquire has the definitive timeline of Roger Clemens' ridiculous public statements. Prepare to get your bile up. A good example:

1990
"If someone met me on a game day, he wouldn't like me. The days in between, I'm the goodest guy you can find," states Clemens. He proves the first part true when he takes the mound in Game 4 of the American League Championship Series against Oakland and lasts two innings before being ejected for threatening umpire Terry Cooney ("I'm gonna find out where you live and come get you this winter"). This is actually quite mild compared to what he said to Oakland pitcher and recovering alcoholic Bob Welch: "Have another beer. Be a man. Stop drinking milk." Ah, Roger at his goodest.

Honestly, not since Simmons' epic Clemens Is The AntiChrist column — which ran in freaking 2001, if you don't feel old enough yet — has anything gone into so much detail proving what we already knew: Roger Clemens is a douche of historic proportions.

The Wonderful, Despicable Life Of Roger Clemens [Esquire]

The sad details:

Fort Lauderdale authorities got a call at 3:20 a.m. that a crash occurred in the city's entertainment district, [Detective Kathy] Collins said. She said Leyritz was driving a 2006 Ford Expedition when he collided at an intersection with 30-year-old Fredia Ann Veitch of Plantation, who was driving a 2000 Mitsubishi Motero.

Veitch was ejected from the car, police said. She died at Broward General Medical Center, Collins said.

Witnesses told police Leyritz had a red light. Officers on the scene observed Leyritz to have red, watery eyes, a flushed face and an odor of alcohol, police said.

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, you stupid fucking idiot,
It really should have been you

Woman Dead After Jim Leyritz Crash [The Smoking Gun]
Ex-Yankee Leyritz Charged With DUI, Killing Another Driver [Yahoo! Sports]

Seriously, the Yankees — as well as a lot of MLB teams — have all kinds of nasty team-branded wear. How bad? Here's their terrifying poncho.

oor weather or not, though, I simply cannot envision any person possessing marginal pride and/or dignity putting this sucker on in the presence of other humans. For starters, it appears that the bottom of the poncho was cut by a drunk one-handed man or woman with electric scissors that misfired, resulting in a jagged, un-hemmed edge. Additionally, that sweet V-shaped red border dividing the white top with the blue lower half appears to be directly folks' eyesight towards the wearer's belly button, which is always sexy. Finally, let's take a gander at the "arms" of this poncho. This thing is clearly intended to be worn only by people with stumps for arms, which really isolates a grand portion of the potential market.

A-Rod, of course, owns five.

It's The Annual NON-DENOMINATIONAL HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE!!! [Yankees Chick]

There's no logical reason Clemens would take five days to respond to the Mitchell Report, which he finally did yesterday, other than Clemens' own arrogance. And if you take a look at his actual statement, it's so carefully worded that it's not much of a denial at all.

But the real question: How hard will Clemens fight this? In an empirical sense, the evidence against him, were it ever to go to court, is kind of flimsy; it's the word of a con against his. But this is not a battle, if fought in the courts, that Clemens can win. All he can do is just remind us, every day, of the allegations. Say what you will about Andy Pettitte and his "oh, I just HAPPENED to use HGH that ONE TIME the report talks about," but he knew how to get ahead of the story. Clemens is way behind. The question is how badly he wants to catch up, and whether it's worth it.

Roger Clemens, Master Of Semantics [Shake Down Sports]

Selena Roberts, who's about to peddle her wares at SI, tells of A-Rod's housing complexes in the Tampa area as cheap, glorified slums.

A-Rod isn't exactly a slumlord — some renters interviewed at his other properties had milder complaints — but he has become a landlord caricature among dwellers who hold him accountable for, say, the stack of molding mattresses by the dumpster at Newport Villas on MacDill Avenue.

A-Rod is the face on their leaky faucets, and yet his name isn't in the welcome kit. Rodriguez's brother-in-law, Constantine Scurtis, is the company manager — the one whose signature is on nearly $50 million in mortgages for properties in Tampa, according to records — but some of the cashiers and cooks who live at places like Newport Riverside know who holds their house keys.

To them, he isn't A-Rod, a regular-season crackerjack on the verge of a Yankees deal potentially worth $300 million. To them, he is Tight-Rod, an apartment tycoon, who, renters say, has jacked late fees to $100 from $50 on units that run around $600 a month.

To make this clear: Alex Rodriguez is jacking up late fees on apartments he owns. Though to be fair, he has to give 5 percent of that to Scott Boras. Still.

A-Rod's Properties And Charity Suggest Some Stinginess [New York Times]

Reyes' Reggaeton Cameo [MetsBlog.com]
Robbie And Melky Get Their Groove On [The LoHud Yankees Blog]

The bug spray didn't work at all, but that isn't stopping MLB.

Major League Baseball Properties and MLB Advanced Media announced Monday that an exclusive auction of game-used and autographed items from this past postseason will begin on Friday. The auction will run until Dec. 7, and it will feature more than 50 extraordinary items that will make historic keepsakes.

They say the bug spray "promises to be a huge conversation piece," and this is true, if you are a psychotic. Or A-Rod.

That Isn't Bug Spray You're Bidding On; It's Authentic Game-Used 2007 Playoff Bug Spray [Lion In Oil]