So today (again): The New York Jets. Your author is...Jenn Sterger.

Jenn Sterger is a former columnist for Sports Illustrated and is currently the Jets "Gameday Host." Her words are after the jump.

So what the hell does a down-home Southern girl, who grew up eating, breathing, and sleeping college football know about the Gang Green from NYC (*cough* - New Jersey)??.. Well, a lot more than I did a few weeks ago, when I made my debut as a part of the New York Jets family. Being the Jets Gameday Host, and face of the Jumbotron isn’t the cupcake gig you would expect it to be. You find out real quick that what some would call your “sickeningly sweet Southern pep,” is grounds for a black eye in the “Dirty Jerz.” Your biggest critics and fans are the same dudes that have been tailgating in the parking lot since 7 am for a 7 pm game. Suddenly, the frat boys of Florida State seemed like amateurs. Toto, I’m afraid we’re not in Tallahassee anymore.

Things have gotten a lot easier since my first preseason game. We’ve worked out all the technical kinks, and fans are actually starting to know me by name and not the chick on the side lines with the great… eyes. I have definitely grown a thicker skin when it comes to the New Yorker attitude, but that comes with the territory. Overall, I’d say my move to the Big Apple has gone pretty smoothly.. and I couldn’t be more pumped to be a member of this re-energized organization. We’ve got bruisers, we’ve got Brett.. and for the fellas at Gate D.. .well, sorry guys, I’m afraid there’s no more of those shenanigans. Still the question on everyone’s beer-tinged lips… “Is this all just hype???..”

If my two months of Jersey residency has taught me anything, it’s that people don’t “BS” up here. Sugar coating simply doesn’t exist. I’m not going to sit here and talk of pipe dreams and the kind of crap that Disney movies are made of, but I will say this: The Jets will see what the month of January looks like, and it won’t be from their Hi-def TV screens at their vacation homes in South Florida.

The Jets offense should be much improved over last season, and while Thomas Jones is still a competent running back, his preseason stats (12 carries, 29 yards) might be something to worry about. If Jones doesn't come through, Leon Washington is waiting in the wings to prove he can be an every-down back.

What about “The Grey One” you ask? The Jets made a bold move during training camp, bringing in future Hall of Famer Brett Favre to solve the quarterback woes. No doubt he has the ability and the arm to go deep. He will definitely be able to put some more points on the board if his receivers are willing and able.

The Jets hired a couple of corn-fed bodies to help protect their star QB during the offseason. Damien Woody will bring a lot of experience to the line, with nine seasons under his belt, while Alan Faneca joins the Jets after nine seasons with the Steelers where he started 153 out of 158 games. They'll join Nick Mangold and D'Brickashaw Ferguson who are very talented and young offensive linemen to complete what should and frankly must be, an improved OL to protect Favre and make holes for the backs.

Even before the Jets acquired Favre, they seemed to be in line to be the “Most Improved Team in the AFC.” At 6’ 4” 349 lbs, three time Pro Bowler and Ruben Studdard stunt double, Kris Jenkins steps up to the d-line this season. For a man with his own gravity, he moves with surprising athleticism. He’s going to require double-teaming on most plays, freeing up the linebackers and ends to make those key plays. Besides that, he’ll make a hell of a good bodyguard for yours truly during the offseason.

If the secondary gets/stays healthy and plays up to their ability, the Jets pass defense could be scary good - especially if the rest of the D can get penetration and put pressure on opposing quarterbacks. Cornerbacks Darrelle Revis and Justin Miller are two young guys looking to make a name for themselves, while Eric Smith and Kelvin Rhodes bring the experience and skill that could make opposing teams wary of relying too much on their passing game.

What’s the major point of contention for the Jets being a play-off team? Chemistry. I know, it’s about as cliché as the plot line for every inspiring sports movie ever made. With all the new faces and new blood on the team, can they find a rhythm and enough common ground to win games? A team can have all the A-listers and Pro Bowlers it wants, but if egos get in the way and there’s no respect.. then you’re just wasting payroll. I think this year is Mangini’s year to prove that the Jets are a force to contend with. Whether or not they have the gas to make it to the Super Bowl remains to be seen... but I have little doubt that they will make the playoffs. That’s something Jets fans haven’t seen in a while.

The Gang Green have the whole state of New York, and the rest of the league talking. Could this be the year they take back Broadway? Whether or not their big investments pay off… well, only time will tell.

Thanks for letting a girl play along, and if you are ever in the Meadowlands be sure to say hi. I don’t bite... hard. Until then, you can see me on the sidelines. So hang on to your hat Fireman Ed, it’s going to be a fun ride.

Today: The Oakland Raiders. Your author is Jeff C.

Jeff currently lives in Pasadena.

When I saw Tawmmy Brady limp off the field yesterday, I couldn’t help but mull over what a bitch Karma is. He finally gets payback for that fucking Tuck Rule. Sure it took three Championships, a fat contract, a knocked up Bridget and a birth-controlled Gisele too late, but it was retribution nonetheless.

Since the Snow Job, the Raiders have become the NFL’s model of ineptitude. Sure, they made the Super Bowl following year of 2002, and probably would have won if they had not faced the head coach who designed their playbook.

The departure of Jon Gruden set this franchise back a full decade, as Vampire/Owner, Al Davis reverted back to his old ways of hiring yes-men with the likes of Bill Callahan, Norv Turner and Art Shell Vol. II.

The second Shell regime was undoubtedly the worst football team in Raiders, if not NFL history. Bed & breakfast owner/ former small town red-state mayor Tom Walsh devised a scheme that consisted of two plays: Toss left with Lamont Jordan’s fat ass, and seven step drop with Aaron Brooks. Execute experience, my ass.

Fast forward to the Lane Kiffin Era. A virtual unknown outside of USC, The Wunderkind Kiffin brings an NFL-Pedigree, an innovative mind and the fuck-it mentality to stand up to Davis, who insists upon running this franchise from the grave. Instead of deferring to Davis’ preference for a bombs away offense, Kiffin, along with OC Greg Knapp and O-line Guru, Tom Cable, employs a Zone-Blocking West Coast Hybrid System ala Denver Broncos/’98 Packers, that helped the Raiders ranked 6th in rushing in 2007. Although the Silver and Black only managed four wins last season, their play was much more encouraging considering the embarrassing efforts of their recent predecessors.

In the offseason, Oakland added DeAngelo Hall, forming the NFL’s most prolific CB tandem with Nnamdi Asomugha, whom quarterbacks tested the least out of any CB in 2007. Joining them in the defensive backfield is the three-legged box stuffer, Gibril Wilson, who will undoubtedly help the Raiders improve upon their 31st ranked run defense. Michael Huff moves to his natural position at free safety, relieving Stuart Schwiegart, who repeatedly took bad angles and missed coverage assignments.

The offense will continue to take steps in the right direction, with Jamarcus Russell settling in as a starter for the first full season. Russell (who is not 300lbs as reported by the esteemed SI writer/douchetard Don Banks) forms a dynamic SEC-duo with first round pick Darren McFadden, who will add an explosive dimension to the already potent rushing attack. A three-headed Monster of McFadden, Justin Fargas and Michael Bush may disappoint fantasy owners, but will certainly pound the rock and try to limit 3rd and long situations for the young quarterback. The offense will be extremely conservative for the beginning of the season, attempting to grind out the clock and keep their questionable run defense fresh.

The biggest question mark is the receiving corps. Fresh off a Vegas beating and retirement rumors, former-pro bowler Javon Walker is the prototypical Al Davis boom-or-bust acquisition. If Walker cannot get motivated against Mike Shanahan and his former team tonight, then he might as well pay back his $11 Million-bonus and go suck on that Darrent Williams-stained shirt. Tight end Zach Miller will likely be Russell’s security blanket, with Miller hauling in eight receptions in the quarterback’s week 17 starting debut of 2007.

Overall, as long as Al Davis remains patient with Kiffin, the Raiders will continue to move in the right direction with an 8-8 record as an optimistic possibility. The foundation is formed, the scheme is set, all the Raiders need is time to build upon Russell, McFadden and Miller. In a weak AFC-West, anything is possible.

Today: The San Diego Chargers. Your author is Alex Cohen.

During the 1998 NFL Draft, the San Diego Chargers traded two first round picks, a second-round pick, Patrick Sapp, and Eric Metcalf to the Arizona Cardinals. In return, the Chargers moved up one spot from third to second and selected a highly touted quarterback from Washington State. Soon after the draft, the new QB stoutly declared, "I'm looking forward to a 15 year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl, and a parade through downtown San Diego." Ten years later, the Chargers still haven't won a Super Bowl, and Ryan Leaf has disappeared completely. Odds are, he's currently located in downtown San Diego somewhere—delving among the packs of crack dealers that scavenge Petco Park's periphery.

Some of you might be surprised to hear that Ryan Leaf actually scored two points better than Peyton Manning on the notorious Wonderlic test (27,25). Apparently, a quality score on this test is only good for swearing at the media and starting fights with old head coaches. You stay classy, San Diego. In fact, his career completion rate of 48.4% pales in comparison to his 83% success rate in delivering crack to wide open hobos. Thank god we didn't draft Michael Vick too—just thinking about that situation makes me cringe.

I can't really put into words how difficult it is to be a San Diego sports fan. We have never won a major sports championship (San Diego Gulls don't count?!?! Fuck..), and we are no strangers to losing seasons. If you have seen the Padres play a game at home this year, it is easy to understand why the front office decided to lower the alcohol content in all of their brews. Ever the skeptic, I think the window of opportunity is closing for this San Diego Chargers team. Time for these Bolts to sack up and win one for San Diego.

Items to Consider:

1. Philip Rivers: He has a healthy knee. He talks shit to opponents. I like his panache. The white Chad Johnson? Maybe a name change is in order... I'm leaning towards Philip Uno Siete.

2. Spanos Family: Dean Spanos and his incessant douchebaggery. Stop trying to move our team to Los Angeles. That city is smoggy and smells like Dodgers fans.

3. Shawne Merriman: Nothing is more aesthetically breathtaking on a Sunday afternoon than seeing this superhuman maul an opposing quarterback and celebrate by inducing a seizure. Unfortunately, his knee isn't healthy. I don't expect him to last past Week 5.

4. AFC West: After getting destroyed by LSU on the opening weekend of college football, I expect the Appalachian State Mountaineers to schedule an easier first week opponent next year. I wouldn't be surprised to see the Chiefs. Brodie Croyle is Charlie Whitehurst's bitch.

5. Michael Turner: He was under-utilized as a Charger. For those of you who haven't seen his mid-season beard, it truly is a sight to behold. Despite his fantastic chin fur, I expect the Chargers won't miss him. Darren Sproles is flat-out nasty, and Jacob Hester runs the same way as Turner.

Offense:

This efficient unit is returning 10 starters. The only departure is professional bowling ball Lorenzo Neal—who departed to the Ravens in free agency. After dealing with an injury in training camp, though, it appears as if Andrew Pinnock has lost his job to the capable undrafted rookie Mike Tolbert. LT should once again run wild in the AFC West. And if LT does somehow forget how to play running back, he can always fall back on his successful acting career (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpMEh4DhQTY). The bigs up front look to be dominant again, even with Nick Hardwick and Marcus McNeill starting the season on the bench with injuries. After being acquired from Miami midseason, Chris Chambers showed everyone around the league that he could still get the job done when paired with a quarterback that actually had the arm strength to get him the ball on 10 yard out patterns. Vincent Jackson had a great postseason, and has really developed into a very solid option. He should continue to improve as a third year wideout, but his fantasy value is limited since he is essentially the 4th option on the offense. Antonio Gates has been struggling with the notorious "turf toe" this offseason. I hate saying "turf toe." To me, it sounds like the football equivalent of a child's "boo boo." But I guess we can always gameplan like "the hoodie" and put some of our best offensive players on the injury report for 450 straight weeks to try and throw off our opponents. Finally, we got the signal caller. Philip Uno Siete is the type of the guy that everyone loves...when you're inside Qualcomm Stadium. He has an affinity for pissing off anyone that isn't affiliated with the Chargers. And that's exactly why I'm glad he's the guy leading this team. Coming off knee surgery, there is no reason why this season shouldn't be his best yet. This offensive group is loaded with talent. When you pair that with six games against division opponents who field high school teams, expect a lot of points on the board.

Defense:

Jamal Williams is huge. He eats steaks that weigh more than Darren Sproles. When he goes, the defense goes. Luis Castillo is the quiet one on the line, but he has really become one of the better ends in the league. Then there is Igor Olshansky. He scares the shit out of me. I'd be surprised if he HASN'T killed someone on the football field. But what really makes this team go is the plethora of linebackers. There are about 8 guys that could effectively fill in. Add Ron Rivera in the mix as the linebackers coach, and that is a deadly combination. With Stephen Cooper on a 4-game suspension after buying crack from Ryan Leaf, veteran Derek Smith should replace him admirably. Matt Wilhelm has improved every year, and now finds himself as one of the leaders on this defense. On the outside, the Chargers boast Shaun Phillips and Shawne "The Village Idiot" Merriman. The guy is trying to play with two damaged ligaments in his knee. There are only two people who can help him now: God, and Dr. James Andrews. I'd be amazed if he makes it through the season. The starting corners are two of the best in the league. Antonio Cromartie is going to intercept 9 passes against Peyton Manning this year, and then sign a 4-year contract with the Padres. Quentin Jammer is the most underrated corner in the league. Another good season should get him some Pro Bowl recognition. Finally, the defense is rounded out with Eric Weddle and Clinton Hart manning the safety spots. This group has few weaknesses, and sholuld once again be among the league leaders in takeaways.

Everything Else/Predictions:

I don't like Norv Turner. When it comes to taking some of the most talented football teams in NFL history, and making them underachieve, he is the man. He also looks perpetually confused. If you've seen his face during a game, you know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, he will continue to ride the coattails of LT, Gates, and Co. into the postseason. I'd like to see Ron Rivera running the show.

The Chargers have a very manageable schedule this season, and another 12-win season is well within reach. A healthy Philip Rivers will have his best season as a pro, and Darren Sproles will continue to run under the legs of defenders. Merriman won't last the season, and everyone else around the league will finally learn the name of either Jyles Tucker or Marques Harris. Jammer will finally make the Pro Bowl, and Alex Spanos will once again try to move the team to Los Angeles. In a perfect world, February will roll around and the Chargers will finally be back in the Super Bowl. Then, after beating up the Cowboys, me and the rest of the Chargers faithful will go to downtown San Diego and throw a huge parade. Then we will all throw our empty beer cans on Ryan Leaf. Redemption.

Today: The Philadelphia Eagles. Your author is A.J. Daulerio.

A.J. Daulerio currently lives in Philadelphia.

Last year, in early October, Les Bowen, the venerable Philadelphia Eagles beat writer sent me a nasty email ending with "good luck with getting a real writing job someday." Before that he called me a "fucking fraud" and typed with a level of invective and anger most often executed by teenage boys toward their cheating girlfriends. The reason was because I whole-heartedly believed a rumor that Eagles' head coach Andy Reid, beleaguered by the troubles caused by his drug-addled sons, was finally ready to step off the sidelines and tend to his family. This speculation was there all season, but after the Giants defensive line played havoc with an under-prepared Winston Justice, sacking McNabb eight times on a Sunday night game that was somewhat less painful thanks to the Phillies miraculously clinching the National League East, the rumor became more factual. Kind of.

But Reid stayed. Thanks to myself and the other little Italian guy who runs Pro Football Talk, the rumor of Reid's demise became buckshot for plenty of mainstream media folks in Philadelphia about the utter worthlessness and scary irresponsibility of bloggers. In fact, Big Red himself ended up having to call a press conference about the whole thing, letting the world know that, no, he's not leaving until the Eagles don't want him anymore and he has no idea what a blog is. Actually, Reid said he's not "blog efficient", which is just hilarious.

Throughout most of the 2007 season, I was writing for Philadelphia magazine's Daily Examiner and, admittedly, gave the Eagles a hard time. The Birds' PR flack Derek Boyko would call every week about a post I did or to answer one of my inane (but probing!) questions: "So, is it true that Jeremiah Trotter was cut from the team because he owns fighting dogs?" or "Hey, did Harold Charmichael lift up some Asian photographer by the throat?" were just a couple of examples. Most often, he would spit out an exasperated "No comment" then hang up immediately. (Or some times, just to let me know who was in charge, he'd send his own message.)

This year it's all different. I'm no longer at Philadelphia magazine, Bowen and I are e-mail buddies, and Andy Reid is 100% focused on football and content to let his sons dry out in prison. Even the in-house stuff that would be distracting (Westbrook's contract, no star receivers — actually no experience receivers, today, and the ongoing saga of the overcrowded secondary) doesn't seem as turbulent as it has in season's past. Give credit to Andy Reid for that. Last year he weathered through his most challenging season, missed the playoffs, but still somehow has this town (and major media outlets) thinking this team is once again a Super Bowl contender.

McNabb is healthy, the defense is better, and even though the offense begins and ends with Brian Westbrook, there seems to be a confident efficiency about them this season that hasn't existed since he Super Bowl year. Plus, there's DeSean Jackson, the tiny mite with the game-break speed and the fancy footwork that might be an answer to all of the playmaker prayers both McNabb and this town has been looking for since T.O. walked out on us. Maybe this is a team on it's last arthroscoped legs and the expectations are just too lofty for one without the Pro Bowl roster of the Cowboys or the Super Bowl swagger of the Giants. But this is a year that all of those things don't seem to matter anymore because, for once, I actually believe that Andy Reid knows what he's doing.

Today: The Seattle Seahawks. Your author is Seth Kolloen.

Seth Kolloen is the executive editor of Sports Northwest Magazine. Just like Stephen A., Kolloen filed this preview from his Blackberry on Friday night while at the Mariners/Yankees game.

The fact that I'm looking at about 10000 empty seats at a Friday night Yankees/ Mariners game on as gorgeous a night as Seattle's going to get in September tells me this: the Seahawks are the only hope for saving a dismal sports year in my town.

Consider: the Mariners were a complete bust, the Sonics fucking left, and we don't have an NHL team.

(*Aw crap, there goes Brandon Morrow's perfect game. No hitter still intact*)
As you'll no doubt hear 86000 times during a Seahawks telecast, this is Mike Holmgren's final year as Seahawk coach.

There's a school of thought that Holmgren will "coach for broke" this year because he has "nothing to lose." While I'd like nothing more than a steady diet of first-down double-reverses and halfback passes, I suspect Holmgren will continue his traditional West Coast offense stylings.

(*Ooh! Marques Tuiasosopo's little brother just got his first major league hit!*)

Not least because, unlike last year, he has a running back who can catch.(cough.Shaun Alexander, cough) and a tight end born after the Nixon administration (enjoy your AARP benefits, Marcus Pollard).

Holmgren's leaving his job as coach—he already lost his job as GM in 2005. In February of that year, the Hawks hired Tim Ruskell to pick the players. His charge: to rebuild the Seahawks defense. After first picking Lofa Tatupu and Leroy Hill in his first draft as GM, Ruskell has steadily built a speedy and talented (if small) defense.

The Hawks new commitment to defense was further proved when they named secondary coach Jim Mora Jr. as Holmgren's successor. Along the way they refused to guarantee qb coach Jim Zorn a job in the new
administration—sealing Zorn's decision to take the Redskins OC job, and eventually become the head coach. That now seems like a good choice as well.

The one black mark on Ruskell's tenure—permitting the Vikings to sign away LG Steve Hutchinson—has been somewhat fixed now with the signing of free agent guard Mike Wahle to protect Matt Hasselbeck's blind side with Walter Jones.

(*Brandon Morrow now has a no-hitter through five innings. There are about 10 millon guys in the tri-state area screaming "who da fuck is dis guyyy?" at their Yes Network"*)

Protecting Hasselbeck will be more important than normal, since #8 is beginning the season dinged up. Hasselbeck's balky back caused him to miss most of the exhibition season (though Hasselbeck claims he's "100 percent".)

Would've been nice if Hasselback had had time to throw to the young receivers the Hawks are counting on—after a rash of injuries, the receivers after Nate Burleson are Courtney Taylor, Logan Payne, and Ernie Kent's son Jordan. They are calling themselves, charmingly, in my view, "The Mystery Men "

(*strikes out jeter! No hitter through six! And the green boat wins the
between-innings hydro race!*)

A new running back rotation fills the other skill spot, with some combo of Maurice Morris, Julius Jones, and T.J. Duckett filling the sparklely ballet shoes of Shaun Alexander.

The ongoing story will be: can the Hawks send Holmgren out a winner? God, your going to get some sappy soft-focus crap if the Hawks make the playoffs. But throw us a bone, won't you? We've had a tough year.

(*Though a 2009 pitching rotation with Felix Hernandez. Erik Bedard, and Morrow at the front end is suddenly sounding very nice.*)

Today: The New York Jets. Your author is Thomas Roberge.

Thomas Roberge is a Jets fan, but not a sports writer. He's a book review writer. Close enough.

Behold the Pale Horse: The Gunslinger

Brett Favre. There, I said it, got it out of the way. Henceforth he shall be referred to as the Gunslinger. When the deal went down, I was utterly confused about how to feel. I like to imagine that if I were in a bar with my whiskey-honey voiced girlfriend and the Gunslinger was sitting at the next table, I’d have this conversation:

Me: And you must be Brett Favre. Look, darling, Brett Favre. The deadliest pistoleer since Wild Bill, they say. What do you think, darling? Should I hate him?

Girlfriend: You don't even know him.

Me: Yes, but there's just something about him. Something around the eyes, I don't know, reminds me of... me. No. I'm sure of it, I hate him.

On the one hand, he holds just about every passing record there is to be held (ahem, apart from career passing accuracy, currently held by Stand Up Guy Chad Pennington). On the other hand, he’s been around long enough to set just about every passing record there is. He also comes with the kind of baggage (hyperbolic accolades from the likes of Peter King, Chris Berman, and John Madden) that turns a sane fan insane. Instead of losing because Pennington/Clemens couldn’t put together a fourth-quarter drive of more than nine yards, we’ll lose because the Gunslinger will throw an interception fifty yards downfield. I’m withholding judgment, but I’m not optimistic.

And Hell’s Coming with Me: The Supporting Cast

The Gunslinger’s supporting cast is decent, bordering on pretty good. Blocking for him is a revamped line that features a pair of old guys no one else wanted to pay (Faneca and Woody), a pair of young guys who are still finding their footing (D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Mangold), and a man who I can only describe as serviceable (Moore). They could protect him like the Earp brothers protected Wyatt, or they could protect him like Wyatt protected his brothers. And in terms of run production it’d be almost impossible to do worse than the ’07 line did (19th in the league).

Thomas Jones needs to have a big year. Nothing else to say.

Catching the majority of the Gunslinger’s heat from his smoke wagon will be Cotchery (coming off of a career year in ’07 with 82 recs and 1130 yds) and Coles (who’s itching to recreate his ’06 output: 91 recs, 1098 yds, and 6 TDs). Watering the horses and ducking behind whores when the shooting starts will be a converted QB with a penchant for dropping balls (Brad Smith) and a second year guy who missed his entire rookie season with a foot injury (Chansi Stuckey). Your guess about the TE situation is as good as mine: no one seems to really like Baker; Bubba Frank is old but might be rejuvenated now that the Gunslinger has rolled into town; and rookie Dustin Keller is, well, a rookie.

Overall production will be up: when the Gunslinger comes to town, the local help falls in line.

You're No Daisy! You're No Daisy at All: The Defense

The Jets spent some serious capital in the off-season in an attempt to improve on their 18th best defense (29th against the run!), bringing in tackle Kris Jenkins and linebacker Calvin Pace, and drafting Ohio State linebacker Vernon Gholston. I’m lukewarm to all three of these potentially (probably) overrated guys, even Gholston, and I’m OSU alum. The backfield is anchored by Justin Miller and safety Kerry Rhodes, the one guy you cannot possibly find fault with if you’re a Jets fan. This is a man who would accept a deputy’s badge, and all of the responsibility it entails, without hesitation if you suddenly found yourself the sheriff of a small, lawless town flush with silver money and Latin-speaking outlaws.

The D will improve, but the question is: how much? I boldly say: maybe enough.

I’m Your Huckleberry: The Mangenius

I remember thinking, shortly after the Gunslinger rode into town, that this year represents a free pass for Mangini. If the Gunslinger establishes order, it’s to the Gunslinger’s credit, not Mangini’s. And if the Gunslinger can’t hit the broad side of Ike’s ten-gallon hat, it’s the Gunslinger who will get strung up in the North Jersey wasteland. Sure, there will be a billion opportunities for bad coaching to cost the Jets a game, but since Herm left I barely recognize them because Mangini tends to prefer winning to conducting experiments with the notions of fluid time.

Nonsense, I Have Not Yet Begun to Defile Myself: This Fan’s Hopes

A winning season. More TDs than INTs. Frequent utterances of “D’Brickashaw”, “creating a hole”, and “touchdown Jones” in rapid succession. And to never, ever see fourth-string QB Erik Ainge throw a pass.

Thanks for reading (assuming you have), and thanks for the whoever backed out of doing this originally—forcing AJ to email me.

Today: The Chicago Bears. Your author is Tommy Craggs.

Tommy Craggs is an Illinoisan, Urbana-born, who now lives in New York and contributes to Slate and Play and other magazines.

So it appears that the Bears are indeed serious about starting this Kyle Orton fellow, who every year looks less like a quarterback and more like a guy who wandered out of a dinner theater production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. In any other city, he would've long since been laughed off the field and onto the Toronto Argonauts' two-deep. Not in Chicago. In Chicago, he is, in the words of poor Olin Kreutz (the center who's had more mediocrities on his ass than Lana Turner), "the guy."

I don't mean to pick on Orton. It's just that the state of Chicago quarterbacking — from Dave Krieg on through Cade McNown and Shane Matthews and Henry Burris and Craig Krenzel and Kyle Orton 1.0 and many, many others — offers what I think is a perfect fractal of the city's great native pathology: pessimism. This is no mere pessimism, either. This is not like Boston's, pre-2004, which in retrospect was just a lot of flakey stuff dished up by Doris Kearns Goodwin and Dan Shaughnessy whenever they had a book to sell. Nor is it that generic Midwestern sort of pessimism, whose primary exponent can be heard on NPR and which therefore doesn't count. And it is most definitely not Philadelphia-style pessimism, which is just the aggrieved reaction of a city that thinks it deserves better after all it's done for the country.

In Chicago, pessimism is a different beast entirely. It's the conviction that the fix is in, that fate is dealing from the bottom, that the formal structures of the world are inherently corrupt and that the stars are all aligned against you. And more than that, it's an eager acceptance of this sad lot, whether the subject is Aldermanic corruption, or the shuttering of the steel mills, or the guy throwing four picks against the Vikings. Chicago, wrote A.J. Liebling, "has the personality of a man brought up in the expectation of a legacy who has learned in middle age that it will never be his."

It wasn't always like this. Once, Chicago was the city of Jane Addams and Hull House and the World's Columbian Exposition and a Tribune that styled itself the "World's Greatest Newspaper," which begat the radio station WGN and eventually the TV station, on which one could spend a great deal of one's childhood, three hours south of the city, watching Leon Durham botch a slow roller to first.

But somewhere along the line, roughly 1930 if you believe Liebling, Chicago ran off its tracks. It became the city of that old windy misanthrope, Colonel McCormick, the Tribune publisher whose animating philosophy was that the world was going to the dogs. McCormick's pessimism extended beyond the pages of his newspaper. It was "a miasmic influence, discernible in the conviction of every Chicagoan that he is being done," wrote Liebling, who also saw it in Chicago women's fashion and even in the food (he had plenty of first-hand experience with the latter and I hope not too much with the former). This sort of cynicism went hand-in-hand with the old Chicago tendency to wildly exaggerate the mob influence thereabouts, turning it into a straw man for everything that was wrong with the city, though as often as not the true culprits could be found in boardrooms and City Hall (as Liebling noted in 1952 and as the Daley machine soon made plain). Later, the spirit of McCormick could be found in the vile Chicago open-housing protests, in which even the nuns went in for verbal abuse ("Whores!"), and maybe even in some of the sour fruits of Saul Alinsky (Save Our Neighborhoods/Save Our City, for example). In the 1980s, Wisconsin Steel shut down in a hail of torts, forever altering the fabric of the city. I'm too young to remember the closing in any detail, but the official version of the story seems to regard the event as an inevitability in the age of Reagan and de-industrialization — the fickle hand of bottom-dealing fate — rather than the deeply criminal act it really was.

Which brings us back, in a weird, roundabout way, to Kyle Orton, whose elevation once again to the starting lineup, despite his demonstrable incompetence, has been greeted with a great citywide meh. This is just the nature of things in Chicago. It was inevitable that Orton would be "the guy," just as it was inevitable the Bears would draft a left tackle with the sort of back problems one finds in men who spent a half-century in the Brookside coal mine. The second season after their Super Bowl run, the Bears have 5-11 written all over them. No need for outrage. It's just how it is. That's the Chicago way. The City of Shrugged Shoulders.

Today: The St. Louis Rams. Your author is "Slow Jerk".

Slow Jerk from StreakingTheQuad, a college sports blog run by four assholes from Missouri. Slow Jerk has been a Rams Fan since Jerome Bettis forgot how to play football for a season to get out of St. Louis.

I remember it clear as day. Mike Jones made the tackle that pretty much got me laid that night. The Rams won the Super Bowl (the effing Rams, man!). Being a native of St. Louis, I clung to the Rams right off the bat. We had season tickets, so we would go see our brand new team get absolutely embarrassed by real NFL teams. But we dug it. It was NFL football. I was able to make fun of Carl Pickens in person! It was a novelty at first, and then you just started feeling bad for Isaac Bruce. Fast forward to the fragile Trent Green snapping his leg in a preseason game. I thought I had been shot. He was our chance, man.

"Well, I guess we can watch the other teams we play."

Enter a religious grocery boy from somewhere in Iowa. The Super Bowl was ours – I couldn't believe it. We had risen to grace at a speed unlike anything the SEC has ever seen. Then comes along that piece of shit Tom Brady. Don't get me wrong, he's a good QB. But I hate him. With every fiber of my being I want him and that kicker that shall not be named to somehow wind up armless and legless. After that, the fall from grace was as staggering as David Caruso's career. Yes – the Rams are the damn David Caruso of this league.

Now, I know I'm writing this piece in lofty company (Will Leitch? Some guy who blogs and works for a paper? That Fatsis guy?), and I hope to live up to their similarly lofty expectations. I'm just a simple dude who blogs about college sports but LOVES football. Deadspin readers, humor me as I try to take you on the Willy Wonka Boat Ride that is the St. Louis Rams. I swear this piece will have more atmosphere than a Rams' home game.

So what does that mean for this season? After 3 whole wins last year (THREE WINS), there has to be improvement. Sure, Linehan is still sketchy at best as a head coach. There are plenty of question marks. But, we play in a terrible division. Looking at it piece by piece – let me run down the Rams for you:

Coaching

Scott Linehan always looks like he's unsure his role in life. The vibe I get is that he has some life threatening decision to make at every second of the day. His gameday coaching seems uninspired and sometimes unprepared. Sure, we bitched about Mike Martz. But dude had balls, bro. He would look you in the eye, call you a homo, and then pass the ball until he could pass no more. Why do you think he always had guys like Trung Canidate back in the backfield? Because he never used 'em! Now, Linehan has one of the best RB's in the game, and he somehow thinks throwing a short out to Randy McMichael is a better option? I'm all about TE's getting in the mix, but sometimes the gameplan makes as much sense as the Jonas Brothers' popularity (seriously, have you listened to that shit?). Al Saunders is about 399 years old and I wouldn't be surprised if he were aware that no one uses the Run and Shoot anymore. Linehan is vanilla – and until he gets smarter on the frontlines, this team will suffer. Defensively, Haslett came in as a specialist. His defense last year was more special ed, and he has a lot of work to do to utilize the talent this team has.

Offense

The skill players have always been the Rams' calling card. And there seems to be a revolving door of talent – until now. The RB situation is fine with Steven Jackson reporting to camp. I'd like to see more out of him this year than last, but we'll get to why that would happen later. The TE position has always been kind of weird for the Rams. Not like the guy at work who is always chewing on a tack weird, but like Keith Richards falling out of a tree weird. It begs the question Why? The Rams have drafted a TE fairly high on more than one occasion, yet rarely do they throw to him. McMicheal is a solid pass catching TE – I'd like to see him see get more catches. Which this offense will need because the WR core is lighter than Michael Jackson. Torry Holt is still one of the best WR's in the league, and he doesn't have to change his name to let you know that. But after that? Drew Bennett? I think I have more catches and yards than he does. Dante Hall? The X-Factor hasn't really been a factor since his KC days. He can still return the occasional kickoff, but has trouble holding on to that pesky slant. Dane Looker has always been a sleeper guy to make a big impact, but hasn't really been able to harness his speed. Remember Kevin Curtis and Mark Furrey? They were both better than Looker, and they prove to be so on other teams. And the name Dane Looker just plain annoys me. Look out for Rookie Donny Avery. Kid can blaze. The Rams definitely need these guys to step it up, because Holt can't do it on his own. At QB, the Rams have two veterans who are made of porcelain. They both look about as tough as the Olson Twins. Marc Bulger is an outstanding QB, when he's on his feet. Which hasn't been much lately. As much as he's on his back you'd expect to see "Spears" on the back of his jersey. And at backup? The aforementioned concussed wonderboy Trent Green. They have potential to succeed – and it all hinges on what was the worst O-Line in the history of modern sports. Note to Richie – how can you be Incognito when you have those ugly-ass tattoos? Anyway, if the line can stay healthy – it takes pressure off of Bulger and Company – and this team can score points.

Defense

Leonard Little still drunkenly kills opposing players. Throw in Rookie Chris Long on the line with Glover and Carriker, and you have yourself a nice little D-Line. The secondary has been an issue in the past not only due to injury but due to the Rams' propensity to draft short guys with long dreadlocks. This year could be different – Atogwe and Chavous are proven solid players, and Witherspoon and Tinoisamoa are two of the harder hitting LB's in the league. This defense was on the field far too much last year, stemming back to the O-Line fiasco. If they can balance themselves out, again, this division is not that hard.

Other Stuff

I'm not going to bore you with special teams. What I will do is give you a quick version of how this season will play out. The Rams will be on the bubble for the playoffs. How is that possible? Well, have you ever trusted Arizona, San Francisco, or Seattle to live up to expectations? Linehan's job is on the line – and maybe he'll actually wake up and coach a few games. So, back to David Caruso. He's doing OK now, right? I mean, CSI Miami is pretty popular, and despite his giant douchebaggery and overacting, people seem to kind of like him. He's kind of a star again, right? So there it is – the Rams are back to kinda being stars even if their Coach is a giant douchebag.

Today: The Atlanta Falcons. Your author is Zach Hislip who writes at TakeThatSatan.

Where does one begin to discuss the clusterfuck that is the Atlanta Falcons? Should I start at the beginning and discuss how the Falcons started as an expansion franchise in 1966 in an effort to bring substandard football to the people of Georgia and have failed to produce back-to-back winning seasons ever since? Should I bring up the fact that the Falcons traded a young Brett Favre for a bag of wishin’ beans? Should anyone, anywhere ever speak of the “Dirty Bird” again. No. As you and I both know, you cannot discuss the current state of the Atlanta Falcons without first speaking of two men: Michael Vick and Bobby Petrino.

A Brief History in NFL Douchebaggery

Part 1: Ron Mexico is a bad, bad man

In 2001, the Falcons were a couple of bad seasons removed from their improbable appearance in Super Bowl XXXIII (a 34-19 "squeaker" that the Broncos eventually won when they showed up for the opening kickoff and then most of the Atlanta secondary was arrested for soliciting prostitutes during the halftime show). Desperate to get back to Show, the Falcons made a blockbuster trade for the #1 pick in the Draft. With it, they selected future Hall of Fame RB LaDanian Tomlinson. Sorry. I can dream, can't I? In reality, the Falcons front office traded several high picks and a bit of their souls to get Michael Vick.

From the beginning Vick was filled with promise (and apparently marijuana, herpes, and an inexplicable hatred for man's best friend). He had a rocket arm, unreal speed and agility, and an uncanny ability to elude tacklers. We fell in love with him, in a football sense. Arthur Blank, however, seemed to literally fall in love with Vick to the point where one could imagine Blank sitting in his office late at night, doodling Vick’s name in his trapper keeper. As a result, Blank signed Vick to a record breaking contract (if memory serves, it was something in the neighborhood of 20 years, $3 trillion, $500 billion guaranteed) By all indications, the endorsement of Vick's new contract came with an exchange of friendship bracelets and an official signing of yearbooks. Regardless of the particulars, Vick was essentially made the managing partner of this crazy little enterprise we like to call the Falcons.

Soon thereafter, Vick decided that he wanted to become more than just a running quarterback. This apparently meant becoming more of a refined pocket passer and also a gigantic asshole. Sadly, he only accomplished one of his goals. In the years following the signing of the contract (and Vick’s official designation as Blank’s BFF), Vick unleashed a veritable torrent of bad behavior and uncatchable passes. He and/or members of his posse were busted for weed. We found out that Vick was in the habit of picking up girls under an assumed name and giving them STDs: Ron Mexico and herpes, respectively (it's still mind-boggling that a grown man would choose to call himself Ron Mexico and that a grown woman would have sex with a man that she believed was named Ron Mexico)

Then Vick gave the hometown crowd the finger. (You stay classy, Ron Mexico). But the worst insult of all was the fact that Vick couldn't hit a receiver on a simple slant pattern! He couldn't even dump it off to his running back without throwing it at his feet or sailing the ball five feet over his head. I can't tell you how many times I saw a receiver drop a ball because they were running an underneath route and Vick fired the ball as hard as possible at them.

And finally, in 2007, the final bombshell landed. Unless you've spent the last few years in a hut somewhere in Montana plotting the overthrow of the government, you probably already know that Michael Vick, the starting quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, was arrested, charged and pled guilty to several counts of felonious dog fighting. Too much has been written and too many emotion-filled debates have been had on this topic for me to even want to touch it anymore. I’ll just say this, I, for one, felt betrayed. It was like finding out that your uncle isn’t really your uncle; he’s just some guy that likes to watch you sleep. . .and he also brutally kills dogs.

Ultimately, we’ll remember Vick as a superior athlete that left us all with a few meaningless records, a crippling lack of cap space and the bad taste in our mouths that for most of us is disillusionment and bitterness, but for a few of us is also herpes.

Part 2: The Devil Came Down to Georgia. . .And Then Left 13 Games Into His First Season

Bobby Petrino is a dick. Pure and simple. You know it. I know it. Hell, Bobby Petrino probably even knows it. The man is an evil, greedy, cowardly buttfuck. He couldn’t treat the players like indentured servants, so he ran away with his tail between his legs. I’m not even mad anymore. I’m just. . .what’s the word?. . .filled with rage. I simply want the man to die, choking on his own excrement. Okay, I was just kidding with those last few sentences. I was never really mad. I was actually happy he left, no matter how bad it made our organization look. He was running the team into the ground. It was near revolt. If it were possible to have a mutiny on a football team, I’m pretty sure we would have seen it by seasons end. Imagine a Gatorade shower, but instead of a shower it’s more like a glass aimed to the face and instead of Gatorade, it’s acid. Yeah. That’s the kind of loathing we’re talking about.

In the end, Bobby Petrino’s brief stint as an NFL head coach will leave a lasting legacy. No college coach will be hired by an NFL franchise ever again. Ever. At least not until the last of the current owners dies off (which is a long way off. I hear that Jerry Jones sleeps in a cryogenic chamber and feasts upon the souls of the damned) Also, it has made the Atlanta Falcons into a laughingstock – the kind of laughingstock where a lumpy, man-boobed ego-manic (*cough -Bill Parcels – cough*) foregoes ridiculous money and the chance to run your organization like a black-hearted tyrant, to take the same job with a team that was one win away from becoming the absolute worst team in the history of professional football for the simple reason that he thought that that team had more potential. That’s as low as it gets, right? It can’t get worse than this, can it?!?

Can I just take a moment here and ask if it would be possible to apply for an official “Curse” designation like the Cubs have and the Red Sox used to have? Only this time, for an entire city? The Braves suck right now, sitting at approximately 60 games behind the Mets. And the Hawks just lost Josh Childress to the Greek League! Didn’t even know that was an option. Now I have to live in fear that they’re going to trade Josh Smith to the Harlem Globetrotters for $97 and the prop bucket filled with confetti. Oh, yeah, and someone told me recently that Atlanta now has a professional hockey team, but I'm pretty sure that that's just the diseased ramblings of a madman. Anyway, doesn’t this qualify us for a “curse” – the kind that makes people in other states root for you for no apparent reason and makes your merchandise triple in price? We could really use it right now.

2008 Atlanta Falcons

So how bad has it gotten? A few days ago I drafted my fantasy team and did not select a single Falcon. Maybe I’m a homer, but I always found a way to justify taking at least one Falcon. (One year, in a fit of preseason induced delirium, I picked the Falcon Defense and Special Teams. True story. Oh, my league still laughs about it) But as I looked at this year’s roster, I didn’t find one guy worth the pick. Not because there is no talent on Falcons this year. There might be. But we don’t know. Not yet, anyway. As I looked at the “Expert Projections” for the Falcons, I had to laugh. How the hell did they accomplish that feat? Has there ever been a non-expansion team with more question marks than this one? A rookie head coach, a rookie quarterback, a starting running back that spent the last four years as LTs backup, an inexperienced offensive line, and a defense that has lost several key veterans and consists of about half rookies or second year players? I honestly felt bad for those guys trying to make their stat projections. Did they just randomly select digits? Was it Ouija board? Or was there a room full of computers crunching numbers for days at a time?

Head Coach

By all accounts Mike Smith is a fine head coach. From what I’ve read he’s got a good idea of what he’s doing, communicates well with his players and has a plan for this team. But this is Atlanta and frankly we’ve been burned before. We just never know what we’re getting. He could end up being the second coming of Lombardi or we could be watching him sob uncontrollable for the entire 4th Quarter by Week 10. It’s a crap shoot. All I can ask is that you please be tender with us, Mr. Smith.

Quarterback

At least throughout all of the Vick ordeal, Arthur Blank and the Falcons front office learned a valuable, all-be-it, painful lesson: You don’t give a player a huge contract unless he is a proven winner and you certainly don’t give him the kind of guaranteed money Vick received without absolute assurance. Wait a second. . .wait just one second. . .Yep, the Falcons signed rookie quarterback Matt Ryan to unheard of $72 million/$34.75 guaranteed contract. WTF, Blank?!? Is this a cry for help from a desperate man?!? Why would you do that? How can this happen again? And in a stroke of genius, the coaching staff decided to put their 72 Million Dollar Man behind a line that gave up 47 sacks last year. Yes, let’s do try and end his career in his first season. But at least you know exactly what you’re getting with Matt Ryan. After all, he did go against the toughest defenses in the country playing in the ACC! The ACC!! “He played Wake Forest, Maryland, AND Duke!! In the same year, you say!! Sign him immediately!! Pay him whatever he wants!! Of course I’m not concerned that he threw a ton of interceptions. Why would I be?!” Is that what happened, Blank?! Is it?! Is it?! But, Zach, you might ask, isn’t this kid the perfect person to build an organization around? I would say yes, if my organization was some sort of Christian folk singing group. I mean look at him. He looks like he came straight from a Norman Rockwell painting. He looks like some gargantuan Opie or Howdy-Doody. He’s going to be great at rebuild the Falcons’ reputation in the community. But on the football field? No idea.

I rest easy at night, though, knowing that we have such quality options at backup quarterback if Ryan were to go down. They’re like a good insurance policy. . .because you can never have enough insurance, can you? If you or someone you love is interested in obtaining more information about affordable insurance, just see our friendly associate, Chris Redman. . .Oh wait, that’s right, Chris Redman is no longer selling insurance, he’s the Falcons backup quarterback.

Running back

During the off-season, Atlanta signed career back-up Michael Turner to a hefty contract. And why the hell not? Why would you want to know what you’re getting into when you’re trying to rebuild a franchise? Just sign someone and fast! “What, he’s got only 225 career carries? But he was backing up LT! He’s just got to be good!” Am I getting closer, Blank?! Turner has looked good in the preseason, but then again its only preseason. And as for his stats, they don’t really tell me anything considering that he got most of his snaps in junk time when LT had already worn defenses out. I pray he’s good. I mean, I like Jerious Norwood. Had him on my bench all last year. But he is not an every-down back and I think we all know that.

Tight End

Apparently no one told the Falcons that it was advisable to have a tight end on their roster, so they didn’t bother. Seriously, though, I just looked at the depth chart and their starting TE is some guy named Ben Hartsock. I’m pretty sure that’s a made-up person. Good thing you released Crumpler in the off-season to make room for this Chaz Thrustbone character. Wouldn’t want to have a sure handed, big bodied tight end for your rookie QB to throw to or anything. . .

O-Line

The Falcons will be starting a second year player, last year’s second round pick, Justin Blalock, and a rookie, this year’s other first round pick, Sam Baker, on their offensive line. Depending on how you look at two fresh, inexperienced faces on a line that gave up 47 sacks last year, this could be a really good or a really bad thing.

Defense

Atlanta lost some talented defenders during the off-season, CB DeAngelo Hall and DT Rod Coleman. And they have replaced them with. . .well, they haven’t replaced them. I’m not sure if they were planning on it and just didn’t get around to it or if they spent all of their money on their new handsome, dog-loving quarterback. I guess they’ll have to make do with what they have. They did get Grady Jackson back anchoring the defensive line (or anything else that he stands on or around) which means that they should be stout against the run. . .provided that opposing teams decide to run straight into Jackson’s enormous gut. The pass rush should be. . .well. . .who knows. Former first round pick, DE Jamaal Anderson (not sure if they drafted him based solely on his name but it’s looking like another of a long line of bad draft picks) needs to vastly improve on his rookie season in which he recorded exactly zero sacks. The good news is that seems almost impossible not to do. RDE John Abraham is due for his next serious injury in about two weeks, so that should be fun. See you in 2009, John!

The one strength for this team should be their linebackers. Michael Boley is a solid player, Keith Brooking moves back to his natural position at OLB, and rookie Curtis Lofton looks like he could be the answer at MLB that Edgerton Hartwell never was. Conversely, the secondary looks like a veritable who’s who of unknown veterans and rookies or second year players. . .all except Lawyer Milloy who seems to be channeling Deon Sanders these days – in the off-the-field distractions and contract demands, not in the football skill department.

All-in-all, it should be one hell of a season!

What to Look For in ‘08

1. Arthur Blank’s relationship with Matt Ryan – will they start going steady immediately or will they just play it cool for a while? Will Arthur need some time after his messy breakup with Michael or will he just jump back into the dating scene right away? Tune in and find out!

2. 6th Pro Bowl for Brooking? Will he amass 250 or so tackles when no one else on the defense seems willing or capable of tackling anyone?

3. Which used car dealership will Joey Harrington be working in by season’s end? After being cut by the Falcons, several used car lots expressed interest in Harrington with Ted’s Pre-Owned Autos in Phoenix, AZ making a strong offer to “give him a shot” if Harrington could avoid the major screw-ups that hampered his NFL career. Or will Joey want to remain closer to home?

4. What will be the next scandal that throws the team into a tailspin and shakes the faith of the fan base? Will Roddy White punch a baby in a supermarket? Will new kicker, Jason Elam, be caught robbing graves by torchlight? Will head coach, Mike Smith, fake his own death and flee to Honduras?

Predictions

The Falcons end the season 2-14, rallying behind Chris Redman (who replaces Matt Ryan in Week 8 when Ryan goes down with a fractured pelvis and lacerated spleen) to win the last game of the season to avoid equaling the worst win total in team history. Also Joey Harrington throws everyone a curveball and decides to sell carpet in Michigan City, Indiana.

Go Dawgs!!

Today: The Kansas City Chiefs: Your author is a mysterious, angry man named Todd Vaderleer.

I have no idea who Todd Vaderleer is. He seems like he's from somewhere in the Midwest and he appears to have overdosed on a little too much of the Jamboroo juice. Anyway, here's his preview. It's...um. Hmm. Go Chiefs?

Almost done!

You want a preview?

How about this for a preview?

FUCK YOU.

What's wrong? Not expecting that from a wholesome Midwestern football fan.

WELL DOUBLE FUCK YOU AND GET USED TO GETTING SLAPPED AROUND BY MY NON-REGIONAL ACCENTED TROUSER PYTHON.

19-0

I said it.

"BHAR HAR HAR, Not in a million years do I see this team..."

Hey, you know what? You're fat. You're a football journalist because you had to play line as a kid and you're too dumb to do anything else. Sports is the diaper rash of journalism. You could drown the staff of the New Yorker till they were over 50% brain damaged, push a pint of Everclear into their IV's and they'd come up with more articulate, accurate prognostications.

WHAT?!? You just assumed all we read was Marmaduke cartoon and People Magazine dipshit?

Well, between blowin up meth houses, punchin my girlfriend in the cookie maker, and barbequing (cause fuck, 3 meals of spareribs a day takes time) I manage to squeeze in time for a little light reading about Boethius' Consolation of Philosophy.

WE UNDERSTAND LOSING, WE ARE WHERE THE ROYALS PLAY.

We welcome it, we live it, we grab it by the neck and auto-erotically asphyxiate the ever-loving shit out of it.

To be honest we were kinda sad Chad Pennington didn't make it to KC, not because Herm would have ginned up the special Olympics of quarterback controversies resulting in duel spontaneous combustion. No, we wanted it because that's what the Royals would have done.

Larry Johnson will run a lot.

Chan Gailey's offense will unsuccessfully try to mimic the old Steeler's receiving scheme with Dwayne Bowe and Tony Gonzalez.

The defense will implode on a bunch of rookies that can't tackle. Glen Dorsey will be particularly meh.

Brodie Croyle will be like Brett Favre the three years prior to last year, which is to say a washed up old man with no line and poor decision making skills.

None of that will matter, 19-0.

"Whaaaht the Faayyyhhhckk arre ya...."

SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE BEFORE I SHOVE A POTATO IN IT!

Tom Brady's knee, meet Tamba Hali, he's from Liberia, are you familiar with "brown-brown?"

Oh, and Herm Edwards will continue to say things that make him sound more like John Witherspoon than Tony Dungy.

Now you can resume to rolling the same crap jokes about fat people down the Green Bay, Minnesota, Kansas City mountain of potato salad.

I gotta run, it's almost 3 pm and need to attend to the burnt ends for the post lunch snack, pre-pre-dinner picnic. Rusty's got some sweat-hog cousins coming down from Omaha on vacation, and we wanna impress the ladies.

Today: The Indianapolis Colts. Your author is BigBlueShoe.

BigBlueShoe is not your typical Colts fan, but like all fans he's just a regular guy who knows his team is great and your team is puke. Despite what you may think or hear about him, he gets along very well with many Patriots fans. BigBlueShoe blogs for SB Nation's Indianapolis Colts blog, Stampede Blue. He feels his community of Colts fans at Stampede Blue are the best in the U.S. of A., and he thinks anyone who ever questioned Peyton Manning's greatness (Bill Simmons) is a clueless moron (Bill Simmons) who knows as much about sports as a blind, dimwhitted chimp who whores himself out for crack (Bill Simmons).

Your typical Colts fan is not me. He’s typically a pretty nice guy. He wears pulled up white socks, tan shorts, and he stares at you with that “golly gee” twinkle in his eye; the Ned Flanders of NFL fans. You see him walk into the sports bar, “okily dokily” making his way to the section showing his beloved Colts. He says “hi-diddly neighbor” to the other fans wearing Patriots, Jets, and Bears jerseys. They promptly tell him to get raped. But, as Jesus (and by extension, Tony Dungy) said, “Turn the other cheek.” So, Ned Colts Fan orders his Budweiser, sits alone in his section of the bar, and smiles from ear-to-ear as his team crushes the other teams, like the Patriots, Jets, and Bears.

After the game, Ned Colts Fan pays his bar tab and walks over to the other fans. He extends his hand and says “Hey, your team looked good. I know the score was 52-3, but they played hard and that’s what counts.” Ned truly means what he says, but the other fans simply insult Ned’s mother and toss beer in his face. Ned reigns in his anger, wipes his face with a bar napkin, and asks the bartender to give the other fans a drink on him.

“Turn the other cheek.” “What would Jesus do?” That’s all Ned Colts Fan thinks.

The bartender quietly tells Ned that he’s cut off those other fans. They’ve been drinking since 6am yesterday morning, and five hours ago they stopped using the rest room and are content to just piss in their pants. Ned turns and is confronted by Bawby Pats Fan. His hair, face, and eyes are red. His nose, teeth, and spine yellow. He opens his mouth and starts speaking in a language only South Bostonians and Klingons can understand. Ned can’t quite make all of it out, but he gets enough to know that Bawby Pats Fan thinks very highly of Ned’s wife, and would like to show her his “Big Papi.”

“Turn the other cheek.” “What would Jesus do?”

Ned Colts Fan smiles and suggests that Bawby Pats Fan, Louie Jets Fan, and Mikey Bears Fan walk with Ned to the bar next door. The four of them can watch the 4pm game, and Ned will buy everyone dinner… and a new pair of shorts.

Bawby Pats Fan responds by vomiting in Ned’s face. Bawby walks back to his boys, laughing, urinating himself, and wiping puke from his mouth with his #37 Rodney Harrison jersey. Ned Colts Fan, humiliated and berated just for trying to be nice, stands there smelling like stale beer and clam chowder.

It’s at this point in the story that I walk into the bar.

With the double barreled, NRA-approved shotgun of holy Colts fan righteousness, I blow away Bawby Pats Fan. He explodes like a zit in a fountain of green puss and cheese whiz. I knee cap Mikey Bears Fan, and I let Louie Jets Fan go so he can tell his friends (because seriously, why waste holy righteous ammo on a friggin’ Jets fan?).* I then walk over to Ned and calmly remind him that this is football fanhood, and it ain’t got nothing to do with Jesus and being “nice.” In fact, on Sundays from August to February, Jesus is a very distant second to football.

For years, we Colts fans were the butt of all NFL jokes. We were the K.C. Royals of the AFC East, getting the crap kicked out of us by quarterbacks named Grogan, O’Brien, and Zollak. We were the little brothers of the Bears, who were always good even though their coach was a clueless moron who’d taken way too many hits during his playing career. The Patriots would unretire players just to play the Colts, just for the sick pleasure of it. Even the Jets (THE JETS!) would beat Indy in playoff games.

Now, things are different. But, for some reason, after we’ve kicked the hell out of the NFL for six-plus years, fans from other teams still treat us like garbage. We extend a hand in friendship after games rather than taunt, and we get spit on. We offer a free beer. It gets tossed in our faces. We say, “Hope to see you in the playoffs!” We get answered, “Hope to see your momma later tonight?”

Not anymore.

We own you NFL, and it isn’t going to let up anytime soon. Despite what moronic peons at ESPN think, the Colts have one of the youngest teams in football. They have the #1 scoring defense in football returning all of their starters, and most of the key players on that defense are locked up long term and have only played for 4 years. Peyton Manning is only 32. Favre is 39 and still playing at a high level. So, if you think Peyton is going away, enjoy looking stupid. Marvin Harrison, who despite crappy reporting from National Inquirer wannabes like Mike Florio, didn’t shoot anyone last May. However, he is going to blow up NFL DBs this season though. I attended Colts camp and watched the preseason. Marvin Harrison now is the same as Marvin Harrison 3 years ago. Guys like Joseph Addai, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Anthony Gonzalez are all still young and all still very good.

So, if you were hoping and praying the Colts were going to go away this season, just remember that Jesus doesn’t listen to you. He listens to Tony Dungy, and his faithful flock of Ned Colts Fans. Enjoy watching the Colts kick the “dang-didly” out of your favorite team in 2008.

*No real fans were shot in the writing of this story. If you or anyone else thinks it is ok to go and shoot opposing fans, you were sick in the head long before reading this, and need to get put someplace where the walls are white and the jackets straight. Go Colts!

Today: The Cleveland Browns. Your author is Michael Desmond.

Michael Desmond is the former editor of the Orange & Brown Report.

There is no spectacle so cruel and prolonged as an NFL franchise forced back to reality after a bout of unexpected greatness. The 2007 Chicago Bears will tell you. A stellar defense, some happy scheduling, and the unexpected—if intermittent—competence of Rex Grossman took the Bears all the way to the Super Bowl in 2006.

Today the Bears have plunged headlong into irrelevance. Outside of the occasional Devin Hester kick return, the most interesting thing about the team could be Kyle Orton's neck beard.

I bring all this up because the Cleveland Browns may be flirting with irrelevance. And not the ho-hum, Detroit Lions, look they're losing again kind of irrelevance reserved for fans of the Millen-led Lions, Arizona Cardinals and (absent a brief outburst of success) Cincinnati Bengals. We're talking about the angry, scorned-media irrelevance that occurs when a hyped-up franchise craps the bed and makes entire broadcast networks look stupid for scheduling a half dozen prime time games for the team.

And honestly, if it all goes down, it's not the Browns fault. Cleveland General Manager Phil Savage is a conniving genius who could swindle a first-round pick out of Vladimir Putin, but all the sleight of hand in the world can't fix what the NFL has dropped on his doorstep. And that is, the NFC East.

Pity the Browns. They are a promising, up-and-coming team with a lot to like on both lines. Outside of the building calamity at cornerback—where the team is one sprained ankle away from putting the NFL equivalent of Dan Quayle on the field—this club is solid.

Derek Anderson may or may not be a statuesque fraud with a rocket arm, but Brady Quinn offers promise as his understudy. Jamal Lewis continues to look great and there's decent talent behind him in the steady Jason Wright and the electric Jerome Harrison. Joe Thomas could be the team's best straight-up, first-round draft pick since Clay Matthews (Ozzie Newsome, Bernie Kosar and Kellen Winslow were all drafted via traded picks). Yes, first-rounder Braylon Edwards is a great wide receiver, but Thomas—a Pro Bowler at left tackle as a rookie—could be transcendent.

On defense, the acquisitions of Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams transform an overmatched 3-4 defensive front into a position of strength. Rogers, criticized for laziness in Detroit, has been dominant at the point. This is a welcome sight after years of watching tomato cans like Jason Fisk, Ethan Kelley and Babatunde Oshinowo get plowed under by opposing offensive lines.

It also means that the still-youthful linebacking corps (outside of methuselean Willie McGinest) is officially out of excuses. The Browns have poured a ton of resources into this unit over the years and gotten very little in return. Kamerion Wimbley, a first round pick in 2006, is officially on notice.

But that secondary. If sophomore corners Eric Wright and Brandon McDonald suffer so much as a paper cut, that secondary could make Joe Flacco look like Joe Montana. And that means one thing: The Cleveland Browns will be forced to play high-risk, high-reward pass defense, getting after the quarterback if they hope to prevent the secondary from looking like Dresden circa 1945.

The thing is, this plan could work… if it were 2007. In 2007, the Cleveland Browns lucked out and played perhaps the easiest schedule in pro football. They feasted on freshly collapsed rivals in Baltimore and Cincinnati. They got fat off the largesse of the AFC East, which coughed up Division 1-AA quality opponents like the New York Jets and Miami Dolphins. There were games against Oakland, Arizona, Houston, and I think McNeese State ... To call the Browns 2007 slate a cake walk is an insult to walking cakes everywhere.

But if karma is a bitch, the NFL schedule makers are its master. This Browns teams would finish 12-4, win the AFC North and possibly enjoy the fruits of a first round bye in the playoffs with last year's schedule. Instead, they open against the talented, preening, narcissist-fueled spectacle that is the Dallas Cowboys. They have back-to-back October games against the Redskins and the Giants (who absolutely pasted the Browns' starters in pre-season), and a late season tilt with the Iggles.

Then there are the Colts, Titans and Jaguars. Even with conference rivals Cincinnati and Baltimore both poised to struggle, there will be few easy outs.

Still, it could happen. This Cleveland Browns team, which hasn't enjoyed a sustained run of success since—and I am not making this up—1989, has actually been built for the long haul. Given one more season to spackle over the ugly holes in the secondary and to scrape together a pass rush, this team could actually be as good as people are saying it is.

Right now: The San Francisco 49ers. Your author is Rick Chandler.

I drafted my NFL fantasy league team on Wednesday night, and I won't bore you with the details except for two things. By the end I had resorted to Isaac Bruce and the Detroit Lions defense (laugh track). And earlier, I had chosen as my backup quarterback one John Thomas O'Sullivan.

That's right, you homos. When Peyton Manning has his bye week on Sept. 28, J.T. O'Sullivan is going to work his pointy-shoe magic and guide my team to victory. You may think I'm crazy, and in fact many of you have already said as much. And Brazil Thrill, I will somehow get my revenge, mark my words. But once every few seasons a journeyman quarterback decides to rise up and go all Kurt Warner on the league and fool everyone, and there is no one who has but the journey into journeyman like O'Sullivan, who's been with seven NFL teams and one team in NFL Europe. One of those teams was the Lions, where Mike Martz coached him as offensive coordinator last year. And now Martz serves in that same capacity with the 49ers.

Or let's be real here; Martz is running the team. He's our Dick Cheney, pulling the strings behind the scenes as Mike Nolan plays video games and chokes on the occasional pretzel. The moment I realized this came in the third quarter of the 49ers final preseason game, against the Chargers. Alex Smith (remember him?) had just thrown a TD pass, and then headed tright to Martz to talk about it. Smith then moved further down the sideline, where Nolan attempted to talk to him ... but Smith just kept walking, barely acknowledging him. Alex Smith isn't in a position to snub anyone important. If the 49ers don't make the playoffs, Martz is your head coach in '09.

And make no mistake, the 49ers will not make the playoffs. But improvement on last season's 5-11 season is a certainty. This may not be in evidence early: After throttling the Arizona Leitchs in Sunday's opener at Candlestick Point, the Niners meet Seattle, New Orleans, New England, Philadelphia, Seattle again and the New York Giants in six of their next seven games. But a couple of upsets in there are not out of the question.

Running back Frank Gore is the best offensive player — remember when he led the NFC in rushing in '06? — and, sadly, Bruce is their best receive. He's older than John McCain, you know. The offensive line is "rebuilding," although it's looked perfectly fine in the preseason. The opener should be pretty fun for former Cardinal Bryant Johnson, whom the Niners are counting on to be their No. 2 receiver.

Defense: Justin Smith was a major free-agent acquisition, a 4-3 defensive end who is moving to linebacker in the 3-4. They brought in cornerback Nate Clemens, and second-year middle linebacker Patrick Willis is pretty great.

But it's O'Sullivan who is going to drink your milkshake; and it will be that mint kind that you get at McDonald's around St. Patrick's Day.

Today: The Baltimore Ravens. Your author is Elliot Fooksman.

Elliot Fooksman is an occasional blogger at bromoblog and masochist.

I know the pundits and experts are predicting a bad year for the Ravens, but I just don't see it. This is a good team with no major flaws. I think I can put together a pretty good case for this being a playoff team, which I will go into below. Former Raven cheerleader Stacy Keibler appreciates you taking the time to read this.

Superbowl winning coach Brian Billick returns for his tenth season.

What? He's gone? Well, the team had turned on Billick anyway last year, and he never really lived up to his title of "offensive guru." At least Bisciotti and Ozzie Newsome were smart enough to bring in an experienced offensive coordinator to take over the offense. I have no doubts that

New head coach John Harbaugh brings an impressive pedigree

Or maybe not. After spending nine years as the special teams coach in Philadelphia under Andy Reid (though we can only hope not literally) Harbaugh was promoted to the lofty role of defensive backs coach in 2007. Apparently that one year was enough to impress Raven's management that he could come in and take over a veteran team that struggled due to injuries last year. Speaking of which,

The Defensive Backfield is finally healthy and ready for week one.

Ok, so maybe not healthy. Samari Rolle, after missing games last year due to epilepsy, missed a big chunk of camp following his fathers death. His backfield mate Chris McAllister had offseason knee surgery that kept him out of the preseason. Star Safety Ed Reed spent most of camp on the Physically Unable to Perform list and is dealing with a nerve impingement in his shoulder. The guys they are counting on for depth, Fabian Washington, acquired in a draft day trade with the Raiders, and Derrick Martin were both suspended for week one (spousal abuse and drugs) and David Pittman accepted an injury buyout after being placed on the IR. Meaning that rookie boxer (don't think that won't be mentioned every week) Tom Zbikowski and Dawan Landry are the only healthy guys in the backfield. But hey, is shouldn't matter, since

We can always count on the Linebackers

Ray Lewis, still the heart and soul of this defense, has missed games with injuries the last couple years, and seems to be showing his age (though I wouldn't ask him about that personally for safety's sake). Terrell Suggs missed most of camp over a contract dispute. Bart Scott and Jarrett Johnson have proven to be solid starters, but haven't made anyone forget about Peter Boulware, who is apparently off running for congress. The backups, outside of Nick Greisen, have a combined one year of NFL experience and include a guy from Syracuse, which is never a good sign. I'm still not worried about the defense because

The Raven's dominant Defensive Line is back.

Except it looks like the only thing they will dominate is the Injury Report. Nose Tackle Kelly Gregg (hey, did you know he wrestled in college) is unlikely to be ready for several weeks thanks to a bum knee, Defensive End Haloti Ngata is dealing with a lingering training camp injury and Trevor Price is coming off a season where he missed 11 games due to injury. Supersub Dwan Edwards is out for the year, perpetually injured Dan Cody has been cut and their replacement, Marques Douglas, has been on the team for a week. Well, even if the defensive line struggles

A veteran Offensive Line anchores the offense

Well, maybe not veteran. John Ogden has finally retired, and is probably off trying to get his brother a job somewhere. Mike Flynn just got cut by the Patriots and Edwin Mulitalo has apparently been on the Lions for the last two years. The future Hall of Famer Ogden is replaced by manchild Jared Gaither, a second year supplemental pick out of Maryland who has struggled picking up the calls and staying in shape. Joining Gaither are second year Guard Ben Grubbs, converted second year Guard Marshall Yanda (moving from tackle), converted fourth year Center Jason Brown (moving from guard) and the only guy with any actual experience at his position, fourth year Tackle Adam Terry. Of course, Terry is hurt and may wind up being replaced by Mike Kracilik, who has spent the last few years getting cut off practice squads. (I'm relatively certain that Art Donovan could still get a sack against this crew). Even though the starting line only played together for a half dozen plays in the preseason, it shouldn't slow down

The Raven's power running attack

Well, maybe on paper. But in reality Willis McGahee is coming off knee surgery during training camp. In addition to the injury McGahee has apparently struggled with Cam Cameron's new offense and hasn't taken his rehab very seriously according to reports. His backup, Ray Rice, comes out of that noted football factory, Rutgers, and is probably too small to be an every down back if called upon. Musa Smith and Mike Anderson are gone, Cory Ross is on the IR and the only other back on the roster is practice squader Marcus Mason, who was just cut by the Redskins. Still, at least we can count

Our former MVP Quarterback and his experienced backups

No, no we can't. The Quarterback closet is bare. Steve McNair, who struggled with injury and incompetence last year (we are used to the incompetence, the injury is new) retired to pursue drunk driving pursuits. Veteran Kyle Boller is bad, injured and out for the year, which is probably a positive. Last year's 5th round pick, Heisman winner Troy Smith, was expected to take over the starting role, but has been laid out with Tonsillitis and has lost nearly 20 pounds (imagine that, a Raven's QB having trouble swallowing, they've never had a problem sucking). His return is uncertain, leading the Ravens to bring in 11 year veteran Todd Bouman, who is on his 6th team and who hasn't thrown a regular season pass in three years. Raven's officials have been unable to come to terms with a voodoo doctor to animate the corpse of Johnny Unitas. All this means that the starting job has been handed, by default, to

First round draft pick Joe Flacco, who comes with an impressive resume

Or not. Flacco wound up at traditional powerhouse Delaware after failing to beat out Tyler Palko (TYLER PALKO!) for playing time at Pitt. After an average season in 2006 Flacco exploded for 3600 yards and 18 TDs in 2007, though a quarter of that came against the swinging door defense of Navy. He jumped into the first round after a great combine and senior bowl, and threw a ball 74 yards in his workout. Thankfully for Ravens fans he did not do so from his knees, preventing mass suicides as everyone suffered Boller flashback. In his first preseason possession he immediately fumbled the ball, and followed that up with an interception in his next possession. Coming off a horrid preseason, at least we know he can count on

An impressive array of pass catchers

Derrick Mason is coming off a quiet 103 catch season, but he is 34 and showed it in camp. Mark Clayton looks to be one of Ozzie's rare first round misses (and the current third quarterback) and Demetrius Williams is coming off a severe lower leg injury. Stud Tight End (that just sounds dirty) Todd Heap missed 10 games last year due to injuries, backup Dan Wilcox also missed most of last year with injuries, Quinn Sypniewski is out for the year, and Edgar Jones was on defense last year. This group isn't going to make any big plays to bail out Flacco, meaning the Ravens will be left to count on their

Outstanding kicking game

Really? That's the only one that doesn't get a strike through? Fuck. While Koch and Stover are among the best at their positions, I'm relatively sure this means the Ravens are boned.

At least we've got the Orioles Maryland Football Maryland Basketball The Wire hope Michael Phelps (and his mom).

Final Prediction: 4-12

Today: The Jacksonville Jaguars. Your author is Dan Shanoff.

Dan Shanoff blogs at DanShanoff.com and The Sporting Blog and infuriates "real" Jags' fans every year when he writes this preview.

Year Three of my experiment as a bandwagon Jaguars fan begins, and with apologies to the team's real longtime fans, I get the feeling that last season will be about as good as it gets:

11-5 regular-season record. David Garrard, with an NFL-best 18-3 TD-INT ratio and a Top 3 QB rating. The team's biggest playoff win ever, on the road in Pittsburgh. They even kept up with the Patriots in Foxboro... for a while.

Not only did the Jaguars make the playoffs, but I still feel like they presented the biggest challenge to the Patriots — knocking them off should have been our glory, not the Giants'.

But that's not what history will remember: They'll remember Brady going 26-of-28, an NFL record 93 percent completion rate (including another record, connecting on his first 16 pass attempts).

Three weeks later, Brady was swallowed whole by the Giants' pass rush.

You can tell what impression those two results left on the Jags, because three months later, they went out and traded up for Florida defensive end Derrick Harvey and used their 2nd-round pick to nab another SEC defensive end, Quentin Groves. Call it the "(Justin) Tuck Rule."

Subsequently, this off-season sort of sucked: Free-agent import WR Jerry Porter got hurt. First-round draftee Derrick Harvey was That Rookie Who Inexplicbly Holds Out Forever. Matt Jones made his play to be a first-round pick in your Fantasy Cokehead League. Even Fred Taylor got arrested, for god's sake. Then, obviously, we hit bottom — the shocking shooting of Richard Collier; with all thoughts and prayers for the man, who knows what the full on-field impact of that will be?

Here's what remains: This continues to be a team that most fans in the league couldn't care less about — and that most fans in the region care less about than, say, the Georgia-Florida game.

This, despite near-universal respect for our Pro Bowl QB; a fantasy stud RB in Maurice Jones-Drew; a (theoretical) upgrade at WR to go with Reggie "10 TDs? Really?" Williams; and, most important, that upgrade to the D-Line that could close the gap with the Pats.

The Pats aren't nearly as strong as they were a year ago and the Jaguars, theoretically, have improved their defense. The good news is the expectations: Anything less than a playoff spot — even in the AFC — should be considered a failure. Sure beats being a Falcons fan.

But last season also left little margin for improvement: Beat the Pats? Win the Super Bowl?

Hey, it could be worse: "Save the franchise from moving to Los Angeles" might make beating the Pats or winning the Super Bowl look doable.

Today: The New England Patriots. Your author is Kris Liakos.

Kris Liakos is a lifelong Patriots fan and the Co-Editor of
Walkoff Walk, which is a baseball blog and as such, totally irrelevant in this italicized intro paragraph.

The Legacy Of 18-1: Well there isn't much of a legacy, is there? There's a lot of significance in the 1, and nothing else. The Patriots begin this season as Super Bowl losers (the second biggest jinx in the NFL) and by design must disregard the eighteen games they won last year. Unprecedented in number and incident, but ultimately not much different from 6 out of the last 7 Super Bowl losers that have finished under .500 the following season. Last year's single most talented team returns as a prohibitive favorite and a punchline.

The Defense: I saw Asante Samuel in his high school production of Lil' Abner, because my girlfriend at the time was also in the play. Despite having the uncanny knack for being in the right place for 16 INTs over the past two seasons, that was primarily how I identified with him. Lil' Abner. That changed after he let the would be SB clinching INT go right through his jazz hands, then hightailed it out of town before he could be Bucknerized. His big chokey cleats are being filled by undrafted Terrence Wheatley out of Colorado. That's a downgrade, and with Ellis Hobbs' predilection for getting burned Shriner style, deep threats could have big games against New England.

At linebacker, Tennessee Volunteer Jerod Mayo was drafted to fill the inside slot. Mike Vrabel needs to recapture the magic of a 12.5 sack (!) career year, which seems extremely unlikely. Tedy Bruschi takes time off as insurance/window/defibrillator/candy apple/lawnmower salesman to return for another year.

John Lynch made the news up here for a couple days before showing some serious age in the final preseason game and getting cut post haste. Rodney Harrison and James Sanders form the middling safety corps. Harrison is old and will stab you. Please get over the fact that he plays dirty. We all get it.

Richard Seymour, Vince Wilfork and Ty Warren, are respectively: a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm, a runaway son of the nuclear a-bomb and the world's forgotten boy that searches and destroys. They're still great upfront. The worry is what happens behind them.

The Foxboro Sports Tavern:

The Offense: Tom Brady's foot injury was clearly fictional. He's starting to do weird celebrity stuff. I expect him to start wearing surgical masks out in public any day now. I also expect him to throw another 35-40 TDs to Moss/Welker/Watson/et al.

Lawrence Maroney returns for his third year at running back, augmented by Kevin Faulk once he returns from his 1 game league suspension. He was totally holding, man.

The offensive line was so violently thrashed in the Super Bowl that I expect nothing less than an entire offseason of Freudian unpacking on a leather couch helped them get over it. The unyielding bearded whiteness of said line is being broken by one Billy Yates at right guard. Yates has been on the Patriots' practice squad since 2004. Keep a wary eye on this group, but if you have to bet on it, expect the o-line you saw in those first 18 games of last year.

Aerial View of the Foxboro State Hospital:

Prediction: The schedule is weak. They start off with KC, @NYJ, MIA, BYE and @SF before facing the Chargers. If they can take advantage of the early softness and be firing on all cylinders by week 6, the Pats will be another runaway train through the regular season.

Like that matters.

p.s. Andre Tippett should have gotten more pub for his HoF induction this summer. Way to go, Andre.

Today: The New Orleans Saints. Your author is Alejandro de los Rios.

Alejandro de los Rios blogs about the Saints and Hornets at blogofneworleans.com and is a frequent contributor to ESPN the Magazine.

There are no windows in the Superdome.

This shouldn’t be a surprise; it is a dome, after all. But once you’re inside the Superdome, all you see and hear is football (and, on occasion, giant vaginas.) It’s not hard to forget just what the weather outside is like. That is until local weatherman Bob Breck does his third-quarter weather report. Nothing brings Saints fans back to reality faster than a gray-haired white guy saying they should be worried about whatever storm is on the horizon.

You could argue that no other populous in the U.S. pays so much attention to local meteorologists. Just watching a couple of minutes of the reports on Hurricane Gustav educated me on high-pressure ridges, Gulf Coast water temperatures and high-altitude cold winds. None of which changed the fact that, in the end, all I could do was pack my shit and wait it out in Hattiesburg, Miss (I hear they got a great crop of high school receivers there.) When it was all over, I was almost mad that the hurricane didn’t leave a path of destruction worthy of a mandatory evacuation and I wished I was just crazy enough stay.

(Side note: It seems as though the enduring lesson of Katrina — that New Orleans residents should never take a storm for granted — may have been destroyed by Gustav as residents struggled to re-enter the city. People are already saying they would stay next time.)

This brings us to another critical point: why on earth anyone would choose to live in New Orleans. Well, aside from the obvious (where else are you gonna find $2 whiskey and cokes on a Tuesday morning?) anyone who’s lived in New Orleans for an extended period can tell you that, after a certain point, the city will not let you leave. Sure, you can move away, get a real job in a real town where you can’t walk down the street sipping on a hand grenade , but it’s much more than that. My friend Wookie (yea, that’s what he goes by) said New Orleans “is a peace of mind” and, like New Orleans blogger nolachick told me, “you don't just live in the city, the city lives in you.”

Another Saints blogger, who goes by the name Chef Who Dat , put it thusly:

“I stay here because the annual threat of hurricane can unify a city in ways that others can only imagine. I stay here because it's not Dallas, it's not Houston, it's not Atlanta, it's not Chicago, and it's not any other place that thinks size matters. I stay here because, as Ronnie Virgets says, New Orleans is ourselves alone. We matter to ourselves and that's all that really matters.”

At times, the New Orleans Saints have not felt that solidarity. With multiple attempts to move the team even before Katrina, owner Tom Benson, has been the target of most Saints’ fans’ ire (internet rumors do nothing to help this). And with the team practicing in Indianapolis for the time being, there’s always that lingering thought maybe this time they won’t come back. Of course, the Saints always come back, just as the “Big One” always seems to avoid New Orleans.

The truth of the matter is New Orleanians don’t need the Saints. The same way that they don’t need Anderson Cooper and Geraldo Rivera showing up every time it gets windy. Don’t get me wrong, the people of New Orleans love the Saints and will do anything and everything to keep them (how else would you explain rooting from Jim Haslett and Aaron Brooks?). But one of the lessons of Katrina was that the Saints are one storm away from packing up and moving to L.A. The people of New Orleans aren’t as fickle. They’ll always find a reason to stay.

That’s how it works in the Big Easy; we look at the world slightly differently. People dance at funerals and wear seersucker in the rain. They drink in the streets and laugh at tourists who think the city starts and ends on Bourbon Street. They dress up in gold spandex, bang on the roof of the Superdome and still ask “Who dat sayin’ they’re gonna beat them Saints?” when the team starts 0-5. They weather out storms and like their hurricanes one way: on the rocks. And when the weather clears, they will always be ready to swim home.

What else can I say?

Laissez le bon temps roulé...

We're less than 12 hours away from the start of the NFL season, so it's time to finish the impassioned season previews from various writers, bloggers, diehard fans, cooks, TV personalities, and numerous other walks of life whom consider football the only sport worth watching. Clearly, these previews will be running until, oh, the first round of the wild card playoffs based on how quickly they've been coming in. So, for the next few days, expect a lot of these.

Today: The Washington Redskins. Your author is Jack KOGOD, America's Unsilent Majority.

Jack KOGOD is weekend army editor at Deadspin and one of the proprietors of KSK. His Santonio Holmes-sized typing ability is after the jump.

Overview

You might think that Washington DC is all atwitter with excitement over the conventions and upcoming election, but all anybody around here actually cares about is another season of Redskins football. Seriously, Bristol Palin could give birth to Barak Obama's baby at L'Enfant Plaza and all anybody would want to talk about is Colt Brennan's viability as a gunslinging NFL quarterback. It really is a special place.

Offense

Fairly or not, all the pressure in the city rests on the shoulders of one Jason Campbell. The easygoing southerner has shown some flashes, but many of his few "defining" moments have been drive killing interceptions in the fourth quarter. The backfield is set with the duo of Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts running behind the ginormous Mike Sellers and a slightly re-worked offensive line. Vinny "The One-Man Brain Trust" Cerrato attempted to bolster the passing game by adding Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas through the draft. So far we've learned that Kelly is incapable of setting foot on grass and Thomas has absolutely no clue what the fuck is going on. But hey, Chris Cooley and Jason Campbell drafted each other in fantasy football, so that's good for something. Right?

Defense

Getting Jason Taylor is nice and all, but he's pretty much the exact opposite of Sean Taylor in every way imaginable. It's nothing against Jason, we just really liked Sean a whole lot. So the Redskins should probably put a motherfucking "J." on that 55 jersey before we start rioting. Oh who am I kidding? I'd have to drive all the way to Raljon to riot, and parking is a nightmare. Taylor and the rest of the line are still question marks, but the linebackers are studs when the unit is healthy. Elsewhere, LaRon Landry should thrive at free safety with Reed Doughty attempting to fill the gap at strong safety, while the remainder of the secondary remains in tact...for now.

Special Teams

Hey, a new punter! Kick ass!

The Cheerleaders

Still awesome.

The Key Players

Jim Zorn: The first year offensive coordinator head coach has embraced the role of the cuddly players coach, except for when he's calling out his veteran offensive line for being soft and letting everybody know that his rookie wide receivers are not just crappy, but lazy and out of shape as well. Local critics like to point out that Zorn has never called a timeout in an NFL game, but he certainly can't be any worse than that old Hall of Fame guy.

Vinny Cerrato: When not flatly refusing to answer any questions fielded by the Washington Post's beat writer Vinny enjoys dining on the sweetbreads of adolescent orphans.

Dan Snyder: The team's owner either fancies himself a media baron or he's trying to silence all those that shit on him with impressive regularity. Although my money says he's just a megalomaniac with means and opportunity a tremendous human being and a shrewd leader. My apologies, it appears as if Nick Denton has sold Deadspin to Red Zebra Broadcasting. I, for one, welcome our new Mark Shapiro and Bruce Gilbert-led overlords.

Today: The New York Giants. Your author is Peter Schrager.

Peter Schrager is an NFL columnist for Fox Sports.com and gets weepy about both the Giants and Chris Russo.

Before sitting down to write this, I watched the Giants Super Bowl DVD in its entirety.

It’s probably the 50th time I’ve done that in the past month. Lame way to spend a summer? Perhaps. But it’s my personal Rocky IV training montage. Instead of going to the gym or trying to talk to females at a local watering hole, I’ll watch the Giants DVD alone in my apartment, jump around in triumph, and call it a night. I’ve yet to find an evening where I’ve regretted that decision. Who needs civilization and things like sex and companionship when you have Michael Strahan pacing up and down the sidelines, assuring his defensive teammates in the final minutes of Super Bowl XLII, “We’re going to win this game 17-14.”

Fuck. I get chills just thinking about it. It’s the final scene in “Rudy”, “Gladiator”, and “Dirty Dancing” all in one. For a Giants fan, it’s pure nirvana.

That DVD’s the gift that keeps giving. Sam Madison wandering around London like a maniac, Kawika stuffing Ladell Betts on 4th and goal in Washington during Week 3, Corey Webster’s game-sealing interceptions in Buffalo and Green Bay—you can’t watch it without feeling like you do at the end of the “One Shining Moment” montage each April. Good feelings all over. It's an Iced Tea on the hottest summer day. It's a good jukebox in a great college bar. It's that new car smell.

In truth, the past six months have pretty much been pure bliss for Giants nation. If this is what a honeymoon is like, I want to get married 100 times. The golden glow of January and February’s improbable run towards the Lombardi Trophy still hasn’t worn off. Slap us with $10,000 to $20,000 PSL seat licenses? Shucks, it’s okay. Lose Super Bowl heroes Kawika Mitchell and Gibril Wilson via free agency? Golly gee, we’ll just have to get through it, right? See Strahan retire and Shockey get traded in a matter of days? Hey, these kind of things happen! Lose Osi to a devastating season-ending injury in the damn preseason? Gulp. It’s okay—everything happens for a reason!

Such optimism is certainly not the norm for Giants fans. With Dave Brown, Danny Kanell, and Kent Graham serving as the Giants starting quarterbacks during my high school years, positivity towards this franchise is pretty much a foreign entity to me. I was raised on simultaneously rooting and being disgusted in this football team. The same goes for my father’s era of Giants fans. And his father’s too.

Sounds fun, right? Check out a Giants game sometime. You’ll be hard-pressed finding a section not littered with bitter 20-year-old, 50-year-old, and 80-year-old fans.

I was in Giants Stadium when an unknown Jersey kid named Ricky Proehl caught three touchdown passes in a horrid loss to the lowly Cardinals in the early 90’s. I was there for the onside kick Wildcard loss to Cunningham and the Vikings in ‘97. I sat with shame in a fraternity house full of brand new Ravens fans (betting on Baltimore and the -7 line, of course) as Trent Dilfer wiped the floor with John Fox’s defense. I can tell you all about the window my fist went through after Trey Junkin muffed the snap in San Francisco in 2002 or the long walk around the block I took after a porous Giants defense made Nick Goings look like Barry Sanders in an ’05 Wildcard loss to Carolina. Vai Sikahema’s kick returns, Emmitt Smith’s one armed heroics, getting blown out 50-21 in East Rutherford by Stephen Davis and the ‘Skins in ‘99.

These wounds all are there somewhere on the sleeve of my Dave Meggett jersey, just as Pisarcik’s fumble and the dark 60’s and 70’s are embedded within my father’s generation of Giants fans. Though there’s been two—and now three—Super Bowl victories, it’s the low moments and the endless string of disappointments that really bring Giants nation together.

Of course, all those painful moments are exactly what made Tyree’s catch, Tuck’s dominance of that overrated Patriots offensive line, and each and every viewing of the Super Bowl DVD all the more sweeter.

This summer, Eli Manning—a guy who I am pretty sure wears pajamas with the footsies on them to bed each night—got married to a gorgeous Southern Belle, was treated like an A-lister at the ESPY’s in Hollywood, and featured in Men’s Vogue. Yes, Eli Manning was in Men’s Vogue. Seriously.

Of course, I didn’t flinch at any of this. It’s the Honeymoon period. Anything’s possible and none of it can upset or faze me.

That is, of course, until we come out looking like shit in the first quarter of tonight’s game versus the Redskins.

That’s when the Honeymoon comes to an end.

That's when it's okay to sour on the Giants again. And I'll be honest—I can't wait.

And, these worthy teams are still in search of an author:

• The Indianapolis Colts

• The San Diego Chargers

• The Seattle Seahawks

• The Chicago Bears

• The Jacksonville Jaguars (Shanoff!)

• The New England Patriots (For real?)

• The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

• The Baltimore Ravens

• The St. Louis Rams

So, let's see if we can get all of these done by, oh, Sunday at 12 p.m. It'll be fun. Go.

Today: The Cincinnati Bengals. Your authors are is the Who Dey Revolution.

Who Dey Revolution is run by lifelong Bengals fans who want their team to stop losing by demanding that ownership is committed to winning at all costs.

In the 17 seasons since Paul Brown died and his son Mikey has run the team, the Bengals have won zero playoff games and only made it to the postseason once. In the last 17 years, the Bengals have posted a .356 winning percentage (97-175), making the team the losing-ist team over that stretch in all 4 major sports. Take that Clippers!

The organization’s management decisions are a case study in how to ruin a team’s chances of success – all in a league designed to encourage parity. You have to work at it to be this bad.

The recent offseason added more classic bonehead examples of mismanagement that we in Cincinnati have come to understand are inevitable. Mike Brown is simply a colossal failure.

To copy a bit from an old graduation speech given by Johnny Carson where he gave tips on how to guarantee failure instead of success, here are Mike Brown’s Guidelines for Destroying an NFL Franchise.– 2008 Offsesaon edition.

Fail to Address Glaring Needs Via Free Agency Despite Having Cap Space

Free agents can step in and help right away, so when you have holes you desperately need to fill, by all means do not sign anyone in free agency to help. Draft picks can take years to develop and are riskier since they have no proven track record, so use them instead. Failing to close is great (DT Dewayne Roberson) but failing and then seeing them sign with a division rival (Cleveland) is even better (DT Shaun Rogers).

Throw Big Money at Mediocre Players

Okay, you just failed to address an obvious need in free agency, the next step is to give lucrative extensions to the very people you were trying to replace. DT Domata Peko- you have 4 sacks in two years, have a $30 million extension! Back up Jonathan Fanene, you have 1 sack in 3 years, take a 3 year extension worth millions!

An important corollary: Make sure to keep cap killing deadweight players on the roster. DT John Thornton counts for $5 million against the cap this year despite anchoring one of the worst defenses of the past 5 years. Keep that “veteran presence” on your roster even though you could use that space better in all sorts of ways.

Ignore Contract Negotiations with Indispensable Players

In order to fail, it is important to get your priorities wrong if not completely backwards. Start by ignoring players who have outperformed their current contracts and are looking to reasonably negotiate new terms going forward. T.J. Houshmandzadeh is tough, consistent, clutch, a fan favorite, a pro bowler and a safety outlet for Carson. Ignore his requests at all costs. See how keeping Thornton’s cap space helps here? Now you can’t pay T.J. even if you wanted to.

Franchise Tag the Strategically Worst Player Possible

The key here is to make a decision so baffling people might wonder whether or not you are aware you don’t have to use the Franchise Tag at all. 2007 was a success. You paid slightly above average DE Justin Smith $8 million just to see him leave the following season. Plus, spending that money prevented you from resigning Pro Bowl G Eric Steinbach , resulting in his loss to division rival Cleveland. Breathtaking. How can you improve on that? Franchise a guy who has never been on top of the depth chart and has no intention of being here next year! Seriously? RT Stacey Andrews is your man. Get that man a Tag!

Telegraph Your Draft Strategy

Two simple steps: First, make your needs publicly known (in this case going for high profile DT free agents and failing). Second, openly declare you will make no moves in the draft. This allows teams with similar needs, in the case the Saints, to trade not once, but twice, directly in front of you to take the best DTs on the board.

Have a Poor Draft Strategy

This goes without saying. No single thing can make a franchise as consistently successful as drafting well. The offense is (was?) good, the defense is terrible. Better draft three WRs! Chad and TJ, despite some turmoil, are the starters. Plus you acquired TE Ben Utecht as the first passing catching option at that position since the Carson Palmer era began. But draft more WRs! Take at least one of them a round or two early (Jerome Simpson).

Stockpile Fringe Character Players

There are so many benefits to this I don’t even know where to begin. First, remember the following relationship: Fringe Character Players = Cheap Talent. Nevermind that every other franchise passed on the guy, you have a special insight. When the strategy inevitably backfires, and there are ten arrests in ten months DO NOT GIVE UP. DE Jason Shirley allegedly drove drunk through a building, but man can he move for his size! Bring him on board. Wait, we didn’t draft enough unnecessary WRs, pick up delinquent Maurice Purify!

But the benefits don’t stop with the arrests. First, you are a perennial loser, which generally results in a baseline amount of sympathy for your fans in the sports world at large. Well, not anymore. Now your franchise is not only a loser but a villain. Besides, who cares if these guys act up on the field? You don’t have to deal with them on a day to day basis. That is the job of your coaches.

Make One Unconscionable Move Drawing National Scorn

The opportunity does not arrive every year, so you have to seize it when it comes. In this case, it was obvious: resign Chris Henry. In one fell swoop, it has destroyed any remaining sympathy and credibility, it has made Marvin Lewis simultaneously appear unscrupulous and impotent, and it has made the fans outraged and despondent.

Note: make sure to take the moral high ground and claim that you are a “redeemer” in a press conference so that you seem like Father Flanigan. Nevermind that you are running a professional organization with the goal to win, not to rehab, and that you are doing so at the expense of your fans and taxpayers. No. Nevermind. You’re a good man, Mike Brown.

Cincinnati Bengals 2008 Season: 3-13. The Lost Decade Returns.