Since it's my final post of the day and I've already shit all over the Big Ten, Auburn fans, Tim Tebow and Nick Saban, allow me to share a heart-warming little story with you fine folks, a story I'll call, "The Best Job a Sports Fan Could Ever Have."

Back in what seems like another life, before I moved to New York and was still living in Baton Rouge, I received a call one day from a friend of mine who worked in the sports information department at LSU. He called to ask if I'd like to work for ESPN on the sideline of LSU football home games as a parabolic microphone operator. He said that the network usually hired four locals for freelance work whenever they came to town to broadcast a game and one of the guys who always did it in the past had moved out of town, so there was an opening and he thought I'd be good for it. Naturally, I jumped at the chance, so he put me in touch with some producer or whatever and I was hired over the phone. For the first two years of the Saban regime at LSU I was ESPN's guy (for $200 a game) on the sideline in Tiger Stadium on the south end zone side of the LSU sideline. It was pure heaven. Sadly, I had to give it up when I moved to the northeast. That was sort of tragic, but alas...

Now, if you're unfamiliar with the terminology, the parabolic mic guy is the person you'll often see on the sidelines holding something that looks like a small satellite dish at chest level. The mic is used to pick up many of the sounds you hear during the broadcast of a game: a quarterback calling plays under center, helmets crashing together, etc. The device itself is nothing short of amazing, as you can literally aim it into a crowd of 90,000 people and listen to individual conversations hundreds of feet away, not to mention hearing everything being said on the field and sidelines. So yeah, this gig was quite stellar...imagine not only getting to watch most of your favorite college team's home games from the sidelines AND getting to hear pretty much anything you wanted to hear on the field on top of it. Over the course of the two seasons I did this "job," I learned a number of things. I'll share a few of them with you now:

-Nick Saban has the most vulgar mouth I've ever heard over the course of my life. Now, I pride myself on being a bit of a vulgarian, so I'm not easily shocked by such things, but Saban's use of profanity on the sideline was just over the top. I've been called many things by coaches and I've heard coaches call athletes many things, but I don't think I've ever heard a coach call one of his own players a "cunt" until I heard it come from Saban.

-ESPN is hyper-sensitive to the theft of their apparel. For every game, each of us parabolic mic guys were outfitted with an ESPN vest and we were told we would face harsh consequences up to and including termination if the vests weren't turned back in immediately following the games. It became kind of a running joke between me and the other parabolic mic guys that they were more concerned about the stupid fucking vests than they were for the expensive sound equipment we roamed the sidelines with while monstrous young men crashed all around us.

-Fred Smoot is a trash-talker of epic proportions. Seriously, some of the stuff that came out of Smoot's mouth when he was at Missisippi State was just awe-inspiring. It almost seemed as though he hired a private detective to do background research on all of LSU's wideouts prior to playing them. He was well-informed and his delivery and timing were impeccable. Fred Smoot is the man.

-Former ESPN sideline reporter Adrian Karsten, who committed suicide in 2005 after being convicted for tax evasion, was a massive prick who was almost universally loathed by everyone, players, coaches, and ESPN personnel. I know it's frowned upon to speak ill of the dead but the guy was just an insufferable asshole. God forbid anyone blocked his sightline or stepped on his cord. And now we have Erin Andrews! Why was she not around back then? And on the subject of sideline reporters, Michelle Tafoya is a delightful sweetheart. I still have a slight crush on her.

-Old Cajun ladies who get drunk at football games will often thumb through game programs and speculate on the cock sizes of college athletes. I know this from the many halftimes I spent scanning the crowd for interesting conversations. And now you know.

Anyway, it's been a fun Saturday and below is a funny video of animals competing at sports to make it even fun-er. Enjoy and have a great Saturday night. I'm off to watch the LSU/Vandy game. Geaux Tigers!

Last time I checked, a onesie can serve as a binding legal contract so I believe this kid may have just given his soul to the Crimson Tide. And when the head coach of Alabama gives you his word, you know it's as strong as oak. Unless the NFL calls again. Or any other school in the country with a bigger bank account.

The good news is that Nick Saban can run 7 to 10 other football organizations in the next 18 years, and still be back at Tuscaloosa before this kids arrives on campus. It's the circle of opportunistic coaching life.

Signed,
Still Bitter In E.L.

Saban: I'd Love to Sign Your Baby [Friends of the Program]

* * * * *

Today is ... Monday? That can't be right, can it? Will this week ever end?

Donna Dunn, wife of d-line coach Don Dunn (Don and Donna Dunn?), called the local sports talk station to complain that her husband found out he had lost his job when the coach of a recruit he was visiting told him. Her son, who is a student at Auburn, found out when a classmate interrupted a presentation he was giving to tell him his dad was unemployed. All of the other coaches and their families found out from media reports or friends.

Amy Enzminger, wife of offensive coordinator Steve, said her hubby found out while he was on a recruiting visit in Maryland. She also called up to rip the administration for their handling of the situation. You can listen to the calls here.

Oh, and she also accused Nick Saban of buying players, but that's just a minor detail. For those who don't know the "Jetgate" scandal, she's referring to Bobby Lowder, a powerful Auburn trustee who got the president of the university fired in 2001 and tried to hire Bobby Petrino behind Tuberville's back in 2003. (The year before Auburn went 13-0.)

Even Tommy's momma is pissed. Olive Tuberville told a newspaper, “He didn’t resign. He was fired.”

Asked if she felt her son was betrayed by the school he led to 85 wins and an SEC championship over 10 seasons, she replied, “I would say yes to a certain extent.

Saban, for his part, actually defended Tuberville and sympathized with his plight.

“I guess we’re 5-7 away from the same thing ... I really question some of the judgment relative to how it is for our game that people with those kind of relationships and done that kind of job and affected so many people in a positive way and have had a reasonable amount of success relative to their circumstances would not be given more respect and consideration than what these guys have been given.”

When pressed further, Saban didn’t duck. After being asked if his success at Alabama had contributed to Tuberville’s demise, Saban raised his eyebrows in disbelief during his answer, and he paused once for a few seconds to search for the right words.

“When you see a program start to lose toughness or discipline, that’s one thing,” Saban said. “That’s not the case. It wasn’t the case at Tennessee, and it wasn’t the case at Mississippi State. It wasn’t the case anywhere.”

He added ... "They didn't even give him a chance to break his contract and go to the NFL! That's not right."

Sports Call Archives [93.9 FM]
Mother of Tuberville said coach was fired [EnterpriseNow]
Saban Rips Administrators [NY Times]
Tuberville Out: Fans react [NBC13]

Saban took the Bama job the day LSU played in the 2007 Sugar Bowl, and signs such as "Saban is a D-Bag" popped up in the French Quarter. Back in Miami, the coach was speaking to reporters off the record. He repeated a story a friend, who Saban said happened to be on LSU's board of trustees, told him—a story that ended up taped and played on the radio a few weeks later. Here it is: "He was walking down the street yesterday before the Sugar Bowl. He calls me. There was a guy working in the ditch, one of those coonass guys that talk funny. I can't talk like them, but he can. Most people in Louisiana can. He says, 'Hey, you see where Coach Saban signed up with Alabama?' You know, however they talk. And the board of trustees guy says, 'Yeah I saw that,' and he says, 'That son of a b—, I feel like he's f— my wife.'"

It didn't matter that Saban was trying to be funny, or that a lot of people use the word coonass. A segment of LSU fans heard ditch-digging coonass and saw red. "Cajun people are proud," Ragoo explains. "When they perceive that you're putting them down and making fun of them, they become focused and galvanized about kicking your ass."

The thing people don't get about SEC fans? Even the ones who can correctly use the word galvanized after downing a bottle of Jack want Saban dead. This game is going to be ugly and beautiful at the same time. Like a gang bang starring Pam Oliver.

Hating Nick Saban [ESPN]

This is what it has come to: an erudite Alabama fan self-nicknamed "Cowboy" is Phil Fulmer's greatest defender. And Cowboy thinks that Nick Saban might be watching his analysis. Which, given that Saban is all-knowing and all-powerful, He probably is. Find a better mustache than this, I dare you.

Alabama fan rejoices [Roundtable Radio]

Ohio State (-2) at Wisconsin- When Wisconsin blew a 19-0 second half lead, this game went from a potential coronation of Bret Bielema to Nick Saban-level rockstar status, to a must-win for Wisconsin to remain alive in the Rose Bowl chase. Sure, you could bet on Ohio State losing three games in the Big Ten, but you could also bet on Stuart Scott winning an Olympic gold medal in archery. Thanks to the loss at Michigan, Ohio State can open up a 2.5 game lead over Wisconsin with a win. Better get those quarters loaded up in the marshmallows.

Missouri (-10) at Nebraska- Remember back in 1997 when it took a miracle for Nebraska to win at Missouri?

(Apologies to Missouri fans for dredging up that memory.)

Now Missouri is going on the road and the home team has won the last six in this series. Missouri hasn't won at Nebraska since 1978. Let me repeat that, 1978. That's 15 consecutive losses. Yet Missouri is ten point favorites in this game. Put this one on your radar and if Nebraska is within a touchdown in the second half, switch over and watch, it could get really interesting. Especially since Chase Daniel just went on television and asked Nebraska fans to bring him 14 virgins as his pregame meal.

Oregon at Southern Cal (-16)- True or false, this is the smallest margin USC will be favored by in the Pac-10 all season? I'm thinking true. Nine days after their beatdown at Oregon State, USC gets a chance to take out their frustrations on the other state school. Am I the only person who pictures Mark Sanchez making a round at the sorority houses to personally apologize for the loss at Oregon State.

By the way, how amazing was that Utah-Oregon State finish last night? You can breathe easier, the pathway to a match-up of undefeated BYU and undefeated Utah remains clear. Question, if BYU wins this game in November can Mormons strip off their Mormon underpants and swing them around their head? Or is that verboten?

UConn at North Carolina (-7)- I will now quietly pocket the $20 fee that UConn's athletic department continues to float in my direction for always finding their games interesting. Particularly the lines. Move along now kids, nothing to see hear.

Texas Tech (-6.5) at Kansas State- Honestly, I know nothing about Kansas State's football team. But the over/under in this game is 66. Seriously, 66. Tech is averaging 45.8 points a game and Kansas State is averaging 47. That's insane. And Texas Tech is only a 6.5 point favorite. Based on the statistics the match-up between Graham Harrel and Josh Freeman (they've combined for 23 touchdown passes already) is going to be the best this weekend. Plus, there's always the possibility that Mike Leach will let his team loot and pillage in Manhattan, Kansas if they win.

Florida State at Miami (-3)- Admit it, you had no idea this game was happening this weekend either, did you? Remember when this game would dominate the weekend and you couldn't escape how huge it was? Now, you've just realized this game was going on, sort of idly thought, "Eh, whatever, I'll check the final score if I have time after watching an undefeated Vandy play in ESPN primetime." Wait, what?

(A refresher on what Florida State has meant to college football over the years.)

Auburn (-3.5) at Vandy- Vandy fans are going to hate to hear this, but get past Auburn and all of a sudden you have to say to hell with only qualifying for a bowl game and start thinking about whether you could contend for the SEC East title. I know, I know, blasphemy. But, say Vandy beats Auburn to go to 5-0 (3-0 in the SEC). Next week they play at Miss. State. Another game they can win. Later in the season the Dores go to Kentucky. Win both those and you get to 5 SEC wins. Then, beat just one of Georgia, Tennessee (which given the way things are going they might be favored in), and Florida and you're at 6 wins. Probably good enough to win the SEC East this year. Or at least to tie for the crown.

Meanwhile, for Auburn, the question becomes do you go with a talented but dumb and likely to make a mistake Kody Burns or a weak-armed but smart Chris Todd? Second, does it even matter? Yes, unless he's deflowered Tommy Tuberville's prized cow on the plains, Kody Burns has to start. He's the only Auburn offensive player that makes any defense the least bit nervous. Of course Tommy Tuberville is so distrustful of his offense that he's already planning on winning this game 2-0. Point being, the winner of this game will put up less than 20 points. Book it.

Texas (-14) at Colorado- I don't really have much to say about this game. Just quite a few friends who went to Colorado or live in Boulder and have been talking about how awesome it's going to be to valet their bikes for this game. How pumped are Colorado fans about this game. They've all taken off their hemp anklets. Be afraid Longhorn fans, very afraid.

Penn State (-14) at Purdue- Penn State is the only team in American with a stadium that seats 100,000 people, a coach dueling to be the winningest coach of all-time, and an undefeated record in the Big Ten. Yet no one is paying any attention to them. At least not for any reasons that have to do with actually playing football games. It's all about the arrests and a program spiraling out of control. Thanks ESPN. Which is interesting because this has been a pretty disciplined football team that has put up 66, 45, 55, 45, and 38 points in the first five weeks of the season. Damn.

This game at Purdue begins the four-game stretch run in the Big Ten that will define Penn State's season. Following Purdue, Penn State goes to Wisconsin, hosts Michigan, and finishes up at Ohio State.

Kentucky at Alabama (-16)- Would Kentucky plans please stop talking about your number one scoring defense in the country? Please? You've beaten two non D-1 teams (Norfolk State and Western Kentucky), dodged a hail-mary loss against MTSU, and beat Louisville on the road. Only the last game is that impressive. And that was over a month ago. Now you're going on the road at Alabama for the CBS game and you'd think Alabama was having to play the 1970's Steel Curtain defense.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban has decreed that he will no longer walk on any surface but papyrus scrolls that have been illustrated to feature prominent moments in his life. (Beating Georgia last week, leaving Michigan State, signing Daunte Culpepper to a huge contract.) Already Alabama has a sign-up list to illustrate Saban's papyrus scrolls that is 14 years long. Yep, Saban is Gilgamesh.

The hat arrived Wednesday and workers began immediately to put it into the stadium, using a 150-foot crane to hoist it behind section U4 in the north end zone. Weighing 550 pounds, the fiberglass houndstooth hat will sit above the concession stand at an angle so fans can see the front and top of the hat, said Diana Evans, a spokeswoman for the Connecticut-based company.

Thank god it's at an angle. Otherwise tons of Alabama fans would be standing around trying to figure out what the top of a hat looks like. Or to make sure Jimmy Johns wasn't dealing coke off the crown.

Hungry? Go to the houndstooth hat [Tuscaloosa News]

That is to say: He recognizes they're only roughly equivalent to September 11.

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event," Saban said during the opening remarks of his weekly news conference. "It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event."

We actually appreciated the beleaguered Alabama PR person's attempt to clean up the mess.

"What Coach Saban said did not correlate losing a football game with tragedy; everyone needs to understand that. He was not equating losing football games to those catastrophic events," football spokesman Jeff Purington said in a statement to The Associated Press. "The message was that true spirit and unity become evident in the most difficult of times. Those were two tremendous examples that everyone can identify with."

Absolutely. Saban continued: "No, what I meant to say was that the loss was like having bodies fall at you from the sky and watching your loved ones die senselessly. Wait ... that came out wrong."

Nick Saban One Ups Kellen Winslow Jr [100 Percent Injury Rate]

The details of her death are still a little hazy, but thanks to the fine poon detectives at Mac G's World, here is what we think we know:

SEC Poon was shut down due to a request by Bama coach Saban or more than likely, his legal reps. A picture of his 15 year old niece was posted on the site.

[...]

The conclusion is that the creators of SEC Poon attempted to keep the site alive by deleting her picture, before the plug was eventually pulled on ALL of the Poon.

But hey, chin-up, poon lovers — a Google cache of the site still exists. And honestly, what's more fun than some sweet, sweet cache poon? Don't answer that.

Deepest Regrets [SEC Poon]
The Power Of The Poon [Mac Gs World]

Ninety-two thousand people showed up for a scrimmage. More than that, actually. The stadium holds 92,138, and there were people watching from the ramps. There were people sent away. From a game where the stakes were no higher than bragging rights between the Crimson team and the White team. Were people under the impression that Bear Bryant would be exhumed at halftime and coaching the Crimson team? I don't understand.

From the Mobile Register:

"It's hard to put into words, but you know, it's 80 percent the reason why we had a sellout crowd at the A-Day Game is because of how coach Saban handles business, his approach to things," junior guard Antoine Caldwell said.

I still don't understand.

Tide fans believe in new coach [AL.com]
We Be Balling Baby!!! Bama A-Day Photo Commentary [Loser With Socks]

That person was former Miami Dolphins coach Nick Saban, whom Marve visited in January but left, he said Wednesday, "not feeling it. I told Plant coach Bob Weiner after the (Alabama) visit that I would be going to play somewhere else," Marve said. "I have to feel it in my heart to know it's right and after I met (with Saban and the new coaches) it just wasn't there for me."

Marve, who set state single-season records for passing yards (4,380), touchdowns (48) and completions (278) and was named Mr. Florida Football and a Parade All-American this past season, then announced that he would attend the University of Miami. We're not sure what made him change his mind ... um, on second thought, yeah, we know who convinced him.

Marve Prefers Miami [St. Petersburg Times]
The Legend Of Ned Grows [Deadspin]

We can't quite make out every word that he says, but ... well, we don't think it sounds good. We're not up on our local vernacular, but we think we made out the word "coon." And we're also not sure what nationality/dialect Saban is trying to impersonate there either. But then again, we're not from the South, and this could all be perfectly normal. If rather bizarre.

Anyway, here's the audio. Everybody's having fun!

Nick Saban "Off The Record" Audio [Odeo]

(Pro Football Talk and Every Day Should Be Saturday also has have this.)

(UPDATE: Oh: Coonass! Of course!)

If you were wondering what state of mind the woman must have been in to pull off such a bold maneuver, well, here's your answer: She was drunk. No, really, she was; she was nailed for a DUI on the way back from her trip to Tuscaloosa International Airport. Her name is Alana Colette Connell, and it was a Wednesday afternoon. Never a dull moment in Alabama football.

In case you were wondering whether or not this was a case of mistaken identity, well ... Deep South Sports has also dug up video of Connell "pre-gaming."

Tonight might be the last night of the college football season, but it's never truly over.

This Just In [Deep South Sports]

[A] five-vehicle wreck on the Hugh Thomas Bridge that occurred at the same time University of Alabama's new head football coach Nick Saban was escorted over the bridge travelling in the opposite direction by police Wednesday afternoon. The victim, a woman who sustained minor injuries, was taken to DCH Regional Medical Center, said Capt. Joe Pierson of the Tuscaloosa Police Department...

however

Pierson said none of the people involved in the wreck, including a police investigator who's unmarked car was damaged in the wreck, said they think the wreck occurred because people were staring at Saban's escort.

Saban's Motorcade Distracts Drivers [Tuscaloosa News]
Saban Rolls With Tide [Decatur Daily]

Just to refresh...
Dec. 21: "I'm not going to become the Alabama coach".

Jan. 3: Yes, I am

The Tide Turns [ESPN]
Fish, Tide Waiting on Saban [NYDN]

The offer from Alabama is either a last-ditch attempt to save themselves from the embarrassment of being spurned by their top 19 choices for head coaching position, or Saban is telling Alabama something different than he's telling the media. I don't have any particular interest in Saban or Alabama, but it would amuse me if they got to the point where they said to themselves, "Christ, what's left? Is Kotite available?"

Saban may see $40 million offer [The Decatur Daily]