Why is that dog so ugly? Because he's not really a dog. "Boxer is a 60-pound bronze statue. The part-dog, part-dragon idol is much like good luck statues found outside homes in China for good luck." He's named after the Boxer Rebellion (#14 on the list of World's Most Fun Rebellions) and turning him into a friendly foam-built creature does not make him more cuddly. At least this is one mascot who can actually strike fear into opponents. And small children. And pets.

After Two Years, Pacific Tennis Returns Home [Photo via GoBoxers.com]

* * * * *

Another Friday, another job done. You've got two baseball games tonight, then I'll be back tomorrow to learn about this thing called "college football." I hear it's quite interesting. Barry Petchesky on Sunday, I believe. Won't you please join us?

But first....sleep. If you dare.

It's a little disappointing that it took so long for this to show up in my inbox (South Carolina played Georgia on September 12), but I think you'll agree that it will never be too late to see something like this. The young gentleman in this video talks with great gusto about the mechanics of body painting, how Sanford Stadium do, and how much he wants to knock Steve Spurrier's visor off his smug little head. Meanwhile, a shaken and confused sideline reporter in training (from something called the Digital College Network) tries in vain to make sense of it all. But you can't make sense of something like this. This man is an agent of chaos. He may also be an agent of the Sherman-Williams corporation, but that's another issue.

My favorite part is at the end of his Ultimate Warrior-voiced rant, when he drops the facade for a microsecond to offer a subdued "You're welcome." He's the most polite deranged superfan I've ever met. Go Dawgs?

(P.S. In case you're wondering what happened after the red and black paint was applied. Gotta dance!)

Uga Vs. Usc: Uga Fans Crazies [2009] [Digital College Network]

Should we be worried about Ray Allen? A long offseason can occasionally mess with an athlete's head and I'm a little concerned that the pressure of a life without basketball has finally gotten to him. Like in a "head into the jungle and become the messianic leader of a violent doomsday cult" sort of way. Maybe Ray Ray needs a hug?

Oh, there was a face painter at his son's birthday party? Well, that still doesn't make it right.

Ray Allen is Officially Bored This Offseason [RedsArmy]

* * * * *

It's Wednesday. You're gonna die.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

I'm Still Unconvinced It's Not Him

PHOTO: This fine establishment

Excoriating Bill Simmons For His Lack Of Commitment

see espn.com front page today... the most important column of the last
5 years; he could've written something spectacular about David Ortiz's
steroid revelations - but no, he struck out ... hell, he didn't strike
out, he put the bat down and did the chicken dance and sodomized
himself at home plate on a 0-0 pitch and the umpire was forced to
eject him on grounds of utter embarrassment.

he made it a fucking *podcast*. *spit!* *fuck!* you goddamn asshole, Bill!

really, he could've made it a column, but he made it a podcast. allow
me to compare the two forms of expression by analogy. a column is the
Sistine Chapel. A podcast is someone shitting himself with diarrhea
in a fit of epilepsy, and calling it art. And he stooped to it - in
the most anticipated column everyone was expecting him to post, he
denatured himself into going with that lowest form of human
expression; the fucking podcast - proudly making twitter resemble
Dostoyevsky since 2006.

Lazy, lazy, lazy sack of shit. What a waste ... he always gives the
shout-outs to those who print out his long columns and read them on
the john ... how can I possibly read his f'n "podcast" bullshit. No
transcription available, just audio because he is too lazy to put his
words into writing, too lazy to put in the effort, but damn glad that
his fuck-assed "podcast" made the front fucking page ... the BS
report, proudly hosing those that want a column full of real words and
actual English, since 2005.

Fuck your self-serving elitist bullshit. Fuck your demented laziness.
Fuck your weaseling through your contractual obligations with ESPN by
putting in the minimum effort, and occasionally submitting these
sub-worthless defecations known as "podcasts" when your audience
expects actual content. Fuck Jack O, fuck your dialogue, fuck you
being a sorry assclown who can't be bothered to sit down and type up a
real column. Fuck your audio, and fuck the valueless godfucked
goddamn fuck out of your PODCASTS! (spit! cough! fuck you!)...

until it becomes available in honestly written form, I declare it
entirely valueless, just a pathetic substitute for his columns, every
time he is too sorry and stupid and lazy and fucked to take the time
and effort to make something of value, he falls back on his fucking
podcast, mails in the whole performance, and calls it a job well
done... well a big fucking fucked "fuck you" to you too, you goddamn
pile of worthless clowns.

he could've made the grand slam by writing as little 500 or 1000 words
about his perspective, given that he was the #1 Red Sox fan in the
time that they won that World Series in '04 and put him on top of the
world - either way he could've gone with it, whether to endorse and
forgive, or to condemn and denounce, the use of steroids by his team
... either way, all he had to do was do some writing - and he failed
to do that. Not only did he fail, he refused - he passed on the task,
thinking that with his magical mystery oh-so-amazing podcast it
absolves him to be devoid of any and all responsibility towards the
readers, towards the ideal of writing anything of substance.

again, he made a fucking goddamn motherfucked podcast. I'd rather he
come to my house and personally shit on my head and stab me; that way
at least I'd know he understands how much he is hurting his loyal
audience and knows how much it is a conscious choice... this way, by
eschewing accountability and yawning towards the soma and the
dereliction and the death that is the podcast, the opiate of negated
responsibility ... by noting that he can make off like a bandit by not
putting in effort, not writing columns, not doing anything to fulfill
any expectations that his readers may have ... he makes himself dead
and uncomprehending, a waste of flesh and all physical reality - his
opinion reflected solely through his idiotic, banal, demented,
lowest-common-denominator "podcast" mentality ... he is left
unconsiderable and deceased and worthless, all because he couldn't be
bothered to sit in front of a computer and type up 1000 words on the
topic, and instead he jacks off with Jack O, sits back, relaxes, takes
the total easy way out... indeed, he keeps defecating harshly on his
loyal readers, and he makes his the most important statement of the
last 5 years by skirting every value at hand and reducing himself to a
"podcast" instead of a column ... noting that that is all we are
worth; recipients of an idiotic stream of babble - not a real column,
not what we have grown to expect, just nothing, just shit, and we'd
better learn to smile when we are forced to swallow it down.

fuck your podcasts, Bill ... fuck you for defecating and selling out
on the literary tradition that, at the absolute very minimum,
specifies a dialogue with your readers.

A Thoughtful Observation About Antoine Walker's Financial Troubles

live in the building across the street from Antoine Walker's downtown Chicago house. I have decided that there is no way that he is completely out of money, considering I see hookers leaving his place 3 at a time at 8am on weekdays.

We Miss Greg Wyshynskii, Too

Subject: HOCKEY EXISTS: You guys are doing a bad job at promoting the world's greatest sport: hockey. No news about Alex Burrows accusations? WTF. If he was a baseball minor leaguer you'd be on 24/7 watch. STEP THE FUCK UP.

-An angry canadian

And

Subject: JEREMY ROENICK RETIRES: Today, one of the cockiest human being that ever lived, Jeremy Roenick retired from hockey without winning a cup. Where's the deadspin article, Patrick Roy stanley cup rings joke and A GODAMN ARTICLE ABOUT HOCKEY!!!!!

P.S. He's from the USA if that helps him making the main page.

There Are Worse Ideas (blows out)

I hope this is the right place to send this...

I'm fairly good friends with "Studs." I've been privileged enough to read his work at a couple websites (footballguys.net and establishedboard.com),

Here are some of his NFL picks from a couple years ago:

He's been at it for a couple years now, and it's literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen/read/heard anywhere. The problem is that whomever's been submitting his stories to you guys has been editing them slightly, which has disgruntled Studs a little.

I don't know if S&D would be willing to do a weekly thing for you guys, but he's obviously great. His email address is studsandduds@aol.com if you'd like to get in touch with the man himself.

Uh, Oof...

Hey AJ,

So this past weekend, I went to the Yankees/White Sox game at U.S. Cellular (horrible ballpark). My buddy "MM" had a keen eye as we were filling into the stadium. He took this photo of a Sox fan shortly before we took our seats. Yes, the shirt reads "Happy Birthday 2 My Little N*ggers" and has photos of the two kids blown up on it. To think there would be such race retrogression in the land of Ozzie and Obama!

Burger King is sponsoring Spanish soccer team Getafe for the upcoming season, so they've slapped their logo on the front of the kit. That's fine, although it makes them look like fry cooks. But as per usual, BK just had to go that extra step to make sure we're all sufficiently traumatized.

Included with each kit are instructions for how to celebrate a goal in the traditional European way, namely pulling the shirt up over your head. And what do we, the unsuspecting spectators get to see? Why, the King himself, staring into our very souls with his dead, dead eyes. Just the idea of more than one player doing this simultaneously has me changing my underwear.

According to Google translator, step 5 is "It embosoms to him to all King that you take inside." Sweet dreams.

Burger King And Getafe Take Sponsorship Deal Too Far [Dirty Tackle]
Getafe Are The Kings Of Europe [ontd_football]

I stumbled upon this information when Mrs. Drew told me to read this article in the New York Times by Nicholas Kristof. This is typical. If there's a piece of information out there that will make parents FREAK THE FUCK OUT, my lady will find it and tell me I have to read it and start worrying about it. Embedded in this article, and treated way too fucking casually by Kristof, is this sentence…

And up to 1 percent of boys in the United States are now born with hypospadias, in which the urethra exits the penis improperly, such as at the base rather than the tip.

GAHHHHHHH! One percent of ALL boys? Let's just do the math for a second. Four million babies are born here in the US every year. Split the number in half, take one percent of it, and you've got 20,000 boys born annually who have this condition, which I will from here on out refer to as "Bong Dick". This is the worst thing I've ever heard. I wanted to know more about this condition, so I've done a little bit of research to help keep you, the properly dickholed male population out there, aware of this grotesque and terrifying Bong Dick pandemic.

According to the Mayo Clinic…

Hypospadias is a condition in which the opening of the urethra is on the underside of the penis, instead of at the tip.

Well, now it really IS a skin flute. As opposed to the traditional skin flute, which is really more of a skin recorder, or skin slide whistle.

You may feel distressed if your son is born with hypospadias.

May? MAY?! Who is not distressed to find this abnormality? "Hey, that's odd. Little Johnny's dickhole is on his taint. Oh well, win some, lose some."

However, hypospadias is common and doesn't cause difficulty in caring for your infant. In fact, surgery usually restores the normal appearance of your child's penis. With successful treatment of hypospadias, most males can eventually have normal adult sexual function.

I guess this is a relief, until I found the name of the surgery used to correct Bong Dick. According to a headline on MedScape.com, "Long-Term Correction of Epispadias Good With Penile Disassembly Technique." This is horrifying. I did not know a penis could be disassembled, like a table from Ikea. I assumed it came as a single welded piece.

The worst thing about Bong Dick is that, and Kristof flubs his science on this, it varies from penis to penis. Your dickhole (or, to use the medical term, "meatus") doesn't always end up at the base of your junk. And the shape of your penis can be altered as a result, including severe and painful curving, and more. According to MedScape…

Hypospadias is an abnormality of anterior urethral and penile development in which the urethral opening is ectopically located on the ventrum of the penis proximal to the tip of the glans penis, which, in this condition, is splayed open.

So not only has the greenskeeper moved your pin, but your dick is now butterflied, like a rack of lamb.

The urethral opening may be as proximal as the scrotum or perineum.

So you could end up pissing out of your balls, which would be a neat party trick. Or you could end up pissing out of your taint, just like the ladies do. YOU MIGHT FLOOD YOUR MERKIN. It certainly makes the oral sex interesting, though. "Girl, I have good news. You need neither spit nor swallow. But I'd wear a bib if I were you."

The earliest medical text describing hypospadias dates back to the second century AD and was the work of Galen, the first to use the term. During the first millennium, the primary treatment for hypospadias was amputation of the penis distal to the meatus.

/dies

Since that time, many have contributed to development of modern hypospadias repair.

"Fuck polio! We need to fix THIS right now! Get everyone on it!"

The incidence of hypospadias is greater in whites than in blacks, and it is more common in those of Jewish and Italian descent.

So not only do blacks get the bigger dongs, but they also get the normal ones. WHY ARE WHITES TREATED SO UNFAIRLY?

Don't think, by the way, that all babies born with Bong Dick are immediately corrected and go on to live happy, carefree lives. There are cases of Adult Hypospadias out there, and a Google Image Search will show you exactly what the consequences of that look like. I have seen this. I will never be the same. Further, adult Bong Dick has any number of psychological side effects. According to this study in Andrology Journal…

A comparative study of psychosocial and sexual adjustment (Berg et al, 1981) showed that 34 adult men operated on for hypospadias had less satisfactory psychosocial adjustment than 36 age-matched patients operated on as children at the same age for appendicitis. The hypospadiac patients were more timid and embarrassed as children and were shyer and more socially isolated as adults. They had lower self-esteem, decreased capacity for social or emotional relationships, and less qualified occupations.

And some of these tortured souls end up going to online forums to share their pain. Here's one:

I was born with hypospadias. Between 1965 (when I was at the age of five) and 1975, I had a series of operations at Children's Hospital in Boston to correct this birth defect.

Five operations on his penis between the ages of 5 and 15. Jesus. This man should never have to buy a drink in his life. Ever. Especially if that drink contains tap water from the DC area. I demand the government stop paying attention to the economy and begin paying more attention to our meatuses. Because this is awful. It's worse than the Great Funnel Pussy Scare Of '02. No man should have to go through life with a blowhole on his sack. If you have a friend who suffers from this condition, please, give him a hug. Give his penis a hug. Tell him it's going to be all right. And ask him what he does at the stadium trough.

Courtesy of Sir Jay Busbee, Yahoo! sports blogging longshoreman.It's just two people sitting back-to-back against each other on old bar stools in the flatbed portion of a pick-up truck at the Milwaukee Mile NASCAR race. What's that you say? What about the fake leg strewn across the hood? That's Navy Seal-like preparation, man. On big race days, it's good to have a prosthesis handy. What if one of those tires comes flying over the fence and hacks your leg off? You'll be legless, bleeding to death, and forced to leave early because you'll need to get that replaced. Not these fans, though. No way. They're not missing one second of this race.

******

Good morning. It's Tueeeesday. Put on your fake leg and dance.

Oh life:

Hey, just noticed AJ's post about transexual basketball. Wrote about it and posted an older video of a basketball troupe touring the countryside that features a hardcourt showdown of gay guys versus midgets. It's the Harlem Globetrotters with a (sick) twist.

Well "sick" is a little dramatic, but after seeing video evidence of the "Squirts Vs. Skirts" showdown plus an 8-page glossy article in Rogue magazine I will say I get to enjoy a thrillingly bizarre bowl of nightmare fuel for breakfast this morning. Thank you, Fire Quinito, for the thoughtful link.

****

Good morning. It's Wednesday. Find somebody to put a finger into.

More unholy images of Didi are available here, here and here. But be forewarned - viewing any of them constitutes an irrevocable social contract with the devil for your mortal soul. In hindsight, I probably should have said that before the links.

El Diablo at the Bicycle Races [Orlando Sentinel]

*****
That's it for today, guys and gals, thanks for hanging out. Idiot Barking Dog's on tap tomorrow. Go and fire it up tonight.

The Denver Broncos will be rolling out their original, orange-and-brown "French's Mustard" uniforms, circa 1960, as part of the NFL's celebration of the 50th anniversary of the AFL this season. All eight original AFL teams will wear replicas of their first uniforms for two games this season, both home and away.

The first Broncos uniforms were so despised that the players actually burned them in a bonfire at the conclusion of the season; well, the socks anyway. It's called by many the worst uniform in football history, and joins the San Diego Padres' early 1980s Ray Kroc baseball unis in the Hall of Brown and Gold Fail.

Wait, is that Josh McDaniels holding up a Jay Cutler jersey? I believe so.

The eight former AFL teams unveiled those uniforms – including Broncos coach Josh McDaniels awkwardly holding up a Jay Cutler jersey in the team's original brown and gold colors — during a Tuesday morning press conference at the NFL's Annual Meeting in Dana Point, Calif.

But one thing that flew under the radar is that the referees assigned to those games also will sport some old-school AFL threads — including the classic orange-striped shirt. Can you imagine how great Ed Hochuli's guns will look in orange?

Celebrating The 50th With Original Uniforms [Broncos.com]
Broncos Infamous 'Gold' Duds Making A Comeback [Denver Post]

The UT athletic department held their third annual VOLSCARS ceremony that I think is supposed to be a play on "Oscars" (as in Academy Awards) but it just reads as "Vol Scars," which is disgusting. Anyway, it's some sort of school-wide ESPY awards and this year's "entertainment" featured head basketball coach Bruce Pearl wearing a jacket, tie and no shirt while attempting to rap (poorly) on stage. If you have a letter opener handy, feel free to insert it in your eyes right now.

I just feel unclean after watching that. Lane Kiffin, I know you can top this, but ... please don't.

Bruce Pearl Rapping [Loser with Socks]
Tennessee hosts 3rd annual "VOLSCARS" [Volunteer TV]

Say hello to Bartolo Colon, elite athlete. He has already eaten your soul, and is hungry for more. This is what happens when the only tips sitting in my inbox are A-Rod stories, Nigerian scam letters, and this gem from The Sports Hernia. You have no one to blame but yourself.

I can't get over the fact that this man has made over $70 million in his career. I've got a double chin and several days' worth of stubble too, and here I am stuck making dick jokes for you ungrateful SOBs. Life isn't fair. So...sit back, relax, and strap it down. Let's have some fun.

Oh, and send me your tips, or the horrors continue.

PS: Speaking of the White Sox, go buy your Pants Party ticket today if you haven't already.
MLB Photo Artistry Day Continues [The Sports Hernia]

First of all, the team nickname is the Thunder, which is complete nonsense. It's hard to cheer for a sound. Now—a week after the All-Star break of their first season—they have finally unveiled their mascot: Rumble the Bison. Uh ... okay.

Rumble played the drums, performed with the trampoline dunk team, danced with the Thunder Girls and closed his halftime act by climbing a 16-foot ladder. Rumble stood on the top rung, then back-flipped. The dunk rimmed out, but his athleticism was evident.

His missed both his dunk attempts, actually. The also gave him a back story that involves Native Americans and a lightning bolt that somehow explains why he walks on his hind legs, but doesn't explain how a hoofed mammal can play the fucking drums. Or why the creatures that Americans know as "buffalo" are actually called bison and buffalo do not technically exist in North America, which makes Kevin Costner a dirty liar. Or why they didn't just name the team the Bison?

Don't get me wrong. Rumble is totally in my face, I just wish they would have Rasta-fied him another 10%.

Rumble the Bison: Thunder mascot's act smashing [Oklahoman]
Thunder Mascot Introduction: FAIL [Sporting News]
Oklahoma City Thunder: What does a mascot mean to a team? [Oklahoman]

The Oklahoma City Thunder turned that concept on its head when they recently hosted a Houdini-style underwater escape act. Kristen Johnson is a professional escape artist whose specialty is getting out of handcuffs and leg irons while being fully submerged in a tube of water. Since that one trick is more thrilling than anything the Thunder have done on a basketball court this season, they booked her for the January 16th game against Detroit.

It was a great idea ... right up until the point where Kristen went into hypoxic seizure—that what's happens when your brain runs out of oxygen—in front of 17,000 NBA fans. It look her a bit longer than usual to get out of the chains, so her temporarily lifeless body had to be pulled from the tank before she drowned in front horrified onlookers. It's Fan-Tastic!

You can watch the CNN report about it, or just this unedited YouTube of the incident—which is strangely prominent on their website—or you can see how the trick is actually supposed to work here. She survived (mostly unharmed), but the confused clapping you hear from the OKC fans seems to say, "Even though being able to tell people we saw a daredevil die in front of our eyes would have been cool, we guess we're glad you're okay."

Houdini stunt horror [CNN.com]
Ridgeway and Johnson [ridgewayandjohnson.com]

• This Is Just Wrong. This is disagreeable on so many levels, that PETA is just going to have to wait in line.

The funniest part is how she assumes dipping the lizard in ketchup is going to help. [Fire Perno Blog]

• I Wish They All Could Be California Girls. So one guy spent the majority of his time at the Rose Bowl taking pictures of the USC Song Girls. Not that there's anything's wrong with that. [The Sports Culture]

• Charlies Barkley's Wife Knows How To Vibrate. Maureen Barkley loves the Total Body Vibration Machine. And apparently so does Charles. [Bob's Blitz]

• Ice, Ice Baby. Is the NHL's Winter Classic the single best regular season sporting event of the year? My vote is still for any Kimbo Slice fight. [The Golden Spoke]

• Red Raider, Red Raider Send This One Right Over. Texas Tech's Michael Crabtree going pro? One blog says yes. [Dallas Basketball]