In the ultimate irony of college football, wouldn't we all like the sport better if we outsourced the college football playoff to Las Vegas? Yes, yes we would.

1. Virginia Tech wins their second ACC title in a row over Boston College. Leading to this great celebration punch that we linked yesterday but you have to see it again.

Wouldn't this be a perfect move if you actually hated the coach? Wait for a big play, sidle up to him, and wreck him with a sideways punch while celebrating? No way he can call you on it. Especially if you were a fifth-year senior like Cory Holt, didn't have a single catch all season, and sort of regretted the fact that you never were used much on offense. I'm just sayin'.

2. Navy beat Army for the 7th consecutive time. Worse for Army, they've been outscored 274-71 during this string of losses. Last winter I visited West Point for a couple of days, attended classes, and hung around with some of the Army football team. They hate Navy. Beat Navy is spelled out on the bleachers surrounding their parade ground. Yeah, this one hurts. But not any more than the previous 6. It's a good thing Navy complained so much about Caleb Campbell getting to play in the NFL under a special exemption. They're clearly disadvantaged on the field.

3. Oklahoma destroyed Missouri 62-21. This was one of those games where your non die-hard college football fan is shocked it's taking place. Enter my wife. As Oklahoma scored to go up 38-7, she entered the room, looked up at the television and said, "Missouri? Why isn't Oklahoma playing Texas in the Big 12 Title game?"

4. Florida beat Alabama by double digits. Like they've beaten everyone else all season except for Ole Miss. That Ole Miss win over Florida is going to become one of the most difficult Aflac trivia questions at some point twenty years from now. Verne Lundquist will still be calling games for CBS at the age of 148.

If Tim Tebow beats Oklahoma to win his second national championship in three years there's no doubt he's the greatest player of the BCS era. But where does he rank in the past twenty-five years? That's roughly the amount of time I've been following college football and I feel comfortable saying he's the best player I've seen during that time frame. Who's better? A step further — is Tebow the greatest college football player of all-time? And if Tebow wins another national title, another Heisman Trophy, and he comes back for his senior season after spending another summer doing missionary work can we elect him to replace Florida's retiring Senator Mel Martinez (exempting him from the Senate age requirement of 30 in the process) and put him in charge of ending the recession instead? I'm halfway convinced that Tebow's anti-recession strategy of running up to bankers, pumping his arms wildly, and screaming would bring interest rates down, free up corporate lending, and restore consumer confidence.

5. Did anyone else notice Bob Davie sighing wistfully about how good looking the girls were during the Arizona-Arizona State game? This was part of his digression about why going to school in Arizona makes pretty good sense. I hate to say this, and this might mark me as a horrible person deserving of death, but Bob Davie is starting to grow on me as an announcer. (Which is completely different than Notre Dame fans—where Bob Davie is starting to grow on them as a coach.) Maybe it was the beers or the break in the action before the De La Hoya-Pacquiao fight started, but I actually found myself thinking, "You know, Bob Davie's not that bad of a guy."

6. Admit it you giggled a bit when Gary Danielson kept calling Tebow the "snake-handler." That's okay, we all did. Is it time for CBS and ABC to employ a double-entendre guard to clear the analogies beforehand. Like, some random 8th grade boy hired to sit in the booth and tell them that "You can't say snake-handler. Go with scorpion wrestler instead." Especially after Musburger kept calling the Missouri defense Sam Bradford's "cock mitten."

7. Odds Percy Harvin sat out the SEC Championship Game just so he could stand on the sideline and show off his biceps? Gotta be like 50%. Every time the cameras cut to him, he was flexing. There's probably a decent chance he's going to be out for the BCS Title Game with bicep cramps.

8. How great was it that Dr. Pepper somehow got Gary Danielson and Verne Lundquist to do play-by-play during the $100,000 scholarship contest? In case you missed it two girls in matching black jeans and Dr. Pepper jerseys stood in front of giant Dr. Pepper cans and threw passes at a giant hole. The girl from Florida was actually pretty hot. At least she threw the footballs like she knew she was never going to have to work a day in her life. That didn't stop Danielson from exhorting: "She ran out of footballs!"

Musburger and Herbstreit may have also called the action in the Big 12 Title Game's version of this contest but, like everyone else, I'd already stopped watching by halftime. This was after Musburger gave a detailed story about his old buddies who used to work as rodeo clowns. Every time I hear Musburger tell his heartwarming stories I think he should be America's Secretary of State. Can't you just see him sitting down across from Ahmadinejad (without preconditions!) and saying, "Mahmoud, buddy, we can work this thing out. I know Pele. This one time Pele..."

Conference championships also lead to the absurd concept of divisions. Which leads to the even more absurd concept of divisional championships. Often (as with this year's Big 12 South and many years of the SEC East) the divisions arbitrarily divide the strong and weak teams. If the two or three best teams all come from the same division then you have a pointless match-up of one good team and one weaker team. By virtue of geography or whatever other arbitrary system of division exists (I'm looking at you ACC), the bst teams don't even play. Even better is the conference championship rematch—when one team that has clearly been superior all year gets to play the team everyone knows they're better than yet again. Only they have everything to lose and the team they're playing has nothing to lose. And all of this doesn't even consider the end of rivalry games that used to be huge. For example when I was growing up Tennessee and Auburn was a classic contest. Now? It's relegated to the dustbin of rotating divisional opponents. On to the previews.

USC (-33) at UCLA- I know, I know, the Pac-10 teams play nine conference games so they shouldn't have to play a conference championship game. I disagree. Either every league should play them or none should. But the ninth game is why the Pac 10 has an entire conference slate this week while most conferences are already finished. The most enticing aspect of this game is the red jersey for one timeout trade that Pete Carroll is working. What's astounding to me about this entire gambit is that there's an NCAA rule about this. You could have given a hundred intelligent college football fans the NCAA rulebook and none of them would have thought of what the penalty should be if one team wears the wrong color uniform. Ever. Yet the NCAA, in their infinite wisdom, has considered this eventuality and the penalty that should ensue if this rule is broken. Score one for the NCAA! Determine an adequate way to crown a champion? Fail. Discipline a team for wearing the wrong color uniform? Pass. That's awesome.

Cincinnati (-7.5) at Hawaii- Top sign you never expected your team to advance to a BCS bowl game. Or, perhaps, any bowl game at all: You schedule a trip to Hawaii as your final regular season game. Can you imagine being a Cincinnati fan, giving up six months of going out to bars in northern Kentucky for a good time, and then finding out that you've blown all your money on a trip to Hawaii when you could have saved up and watched your team in the Orange Bowl?

Missouri v. Oklahoma (-17)- I'm hoping Missouri wins just because I think Texas deserves to play for the championship. Which they would have been doing under the SEC tiebreak rules. (Instead of rewarding the division championship to the team that is highest ranked in a three-way tie, the SEC team has to be more than five places ahead of the team that they lost to in the final BCS standings.) Of course now the Big 12 is going to take the time to reexamine their own rules. In the meantime Oklahoma plays Missouri. Question, what if this game was awful and Oklahoma won by a point on the final play of the game. Is there anyway that Texas could re-jump Oklahoma without playing? If so, wouldn't this be perfect?

Boston College v. Virginia Tech- It's truly rare that you get a straight pick'em in a championship game. So embrace this game for what it is, an evenly matched game for a trip to a BCS bowl. Where the winner will lose to someone. This is a rematch of an October game between the two teams which Boston College won 28-23. It's also a rematch of last season's conference championship game won by Virginia Tech. Which was itself a rematch of a regular season game in 2007. Confused yet? All of that to say the teams have now played four times in a 14 months. Boston College leads 2-1 but lost the all-important conference championship game.

Alabama v. Florida (-10)- We got into a discussion the other day about whether an undefeated team from a power conference who was ranked number one in the country had ever been a double-digit underdog on a neutral field. I couldn't think of anyone. Let me know if you can. Basically what this means is that Vegas is going to favor Florida over anyone. (Yes, even Oklahoma or Texas.) As well they should. Florida hasn't won by less than 28 since their loss in the final week of September to Ole Miss. Meanwhile, interestingly enough, Alabama and Florida have only played twice this decade. So there's not a lot of history to go on between these two teams. Could this, please Lord, be Tim Tebow's final SEC game? Has Percy Harvin already played his final SEC game? Time will tell. Until then, I'll be throwing up before this game starts. And really drunk by kickoff. The only thing worse than your own team going 5-7 is your two most hated rivals going 23-1 on the season.

Oklahoma beat Oklahoma State late Saturday night 61-41. This score was enough to vault the Sooners ahead of Texas in the BCS Standings and, as a result, send them into the Big 12 Title Game against Missouri courtesy of the fifth tiebreak. (The sixth tiebreak was, in a nice nod to BCS totalitariianism, "Who does Kim Jong-Il think is better?") In raising Oklahoma the BCS computers managed to solve the quandary that left human pollsters uncertain: which of three tied teams deserves the opportunity to compete for a national championship? Of course this only mattered because Texas Tech stormed back to defeat Baylor before Oklahoma even kicked off. If Tech lost that game, then the Oklahoma game wouldn't even have mattered. and Texas is playing for the title. This all makes an awful lot of sense, right?

Basically, Texas got messed with. And here's why, this is a decision between Texas and Oklahoma. In our infinite wisdom we've discarded Texas Tech based on the sound defeat they suffered at the hands of Oklahoma. (Even if, like me, you think Texas Tech deserves a shot in the playoff.) That means there's only one game to consider: the neutral site 45-35 Texas win over Oklahoma. Nothing else matters. Both teams have one loss and Texas won the head-to-head game on a neutral field. If every game counts, then you have to count the only game between the two teams that your're deciding between, right? Otherwise you're proving what college football playoff proponents already know, every game is equal but some games are more equal than others. Welcome to the Orwellian world of college football championship rationales. On to the round-up.

1. Florida and Alabama proved they are the best two teams in the SEC. Which, in the wake of the SEC East's performance against the ACC, might mean nothing at all. In case you missed it Georgia Tech put up 45 on Georgia (who now owns the most disappointing 9-3 season in Bulldog history), Clemson continued their domination of Steve Spurrier and South Carolina, and Wake Forest beat Vandy (who despite reaching a bowl this year finished off their season with a Vandy-like 1-6 conclusion). What does all of this mean?

2.Oregon State's dream of making their first Rose Bowl since 1965 went crashing into Oregon. In the end all of Corvallis cried as one as Oregon hung 65 on Oregon State. Who was happiest about this aside from Oregon and USC fans? How about undefeated teams in Boise State and Utah? Who saw one of the BCS spots that would have been claimed by USC open up thanks to the USC advancing to the Rose Bowl with the win. Who else was happiest? The bastards at the Rose Bowl. Instead of an Oregon State-Penn State rematch, they get USC-Penn State. Which, to be fair, is shaping up as the second best BCS bowl game.

3. Paul Johnson's offense works in BCS conference football. Last week Johnson's team rushed for 472 yards. And no one really noticed because it was a Thursday night football game. This week they rushed for 409 yards against Georgia. While only passing for 19 yards. So it doesn't really matter if you're one-dimensional if that dimension is so dominant you don't even have to consider throwing the football. This is even more jarring when you consider that Georgia led 28-12 at the half.

4. Virginia Tech and Boston College are meeting again in the ACC Championship Game. At least the game is in Tampa. Which should be somewhat warm. The Charlotte games always looked miserable.

5. Kansas beat Missouri to salvage their season and make Baby Mangino squeal with joy. Meaning Missouri fans can join Georgia fans who are upset over the worst 9-3 season in school history. Of course, unlike Georgia, Missouri can erase everything with an upset win over Oklahoma this week. Regardless, somewhere John Brown is smiling. Even though he's mouldering in the grave.

6. Miss. State's offense put up 33 yards against Ole Miss. That was on 56 plays. Futility this epic deserves to be noted. It's why no one was crying in Starkville when Sylvester Croom resigned. Don't you have to be fired if you're Croom and make the school buy out your contract? You don't see Charlie Weis resigning, do you?

Back to Oklahoma-Texas and the BCS mess, I got a lot of emails after saying that 99.9% of college football fans want a playoff. Many were from college football fans who said they didn't favor a playoff. I don't think these fans are fools, I just think they've made a Faustian bargain with their own souls. Like the girls who claim they're still virgins but have anal sex. Basically, if you're a college football fan who favors a playoff you're the 16 year old girl getting banged in the ass to protect the sanctity of your hymen. Congrats on that. Y'all have to live with results like this. And if Florida beats Alabama this weekend? Are we just going to decree by fiat that Florida and Oklahoma are the two best teams in the country? Even though Texas and USC and Utah and Boise State and Penn State all have pretty good claims that they deserve a shot too? You betcha. (Odds that the Palin daughters contemplate the anal sex virginity protection gambit? High, very high...except the eldest.) Something's rotten with any athletic event that requires this much logical inconsistency and debate, really fucking rotten.

By the way, hate the BCS? Root for this implosion to occur. Oklahoma State beats Oklahoma. Sending Texas Tech to the Big 12 Title Game. Oregon State beats Oregon meaning the Beavers win the Pac-10. Florida State beats Florida who then beats an undefeated Alabama in the SEC Title Game. What happens in this scenerio? Three different one-loss teams that didn't win their own conference are all competing for a shot at the BCS Title. Even more interesting two of them might play for the national title. All would be ranked higher in the BCS than the teams that did win their conferences. Meet the Texas, USC, and Alabama one-loss derby. I know we've seen it before with Oklahoma but can you imagine if three of the top five contenders for the national title didn't win their conference? (The other two teams contending for the national title that did win their conference would be Texas Tech and Penn State.) Anyway on to the most intriguing games of the weekend.

Fresno State at Boise State (-21)- Can Boise State close out their season 12-0 with a win over Fresno State? Yeah, it's looking like it. Little known fact, since taking over Boise State from Dan Hawkins (who I believe is now working as a bike valet in Boulder) Boise State head coach Chris Petersen is 34-3. Seriously, 34-3. Including, of course, a BCS bowl win over Oklahoma. How is Petersen not an extremely hot coaching candidate? Why wouldn't, say, Washington mortgage their soul to get him? And, be honest, you had no idea he was 34-3, did you?

Georgia Tech at Georgia (-8)- Georgia's defensive gameplan: Try and keep Georgia Tech from rushing for over 300 yards. This Paul Johnson offense is way too gimmicky to work in a major conference. Right? Meanwhile, Georgia fans will silently weep at the end of this game over the presumed exit of Knowshon Moreno and Matthew Stafford. That redshirt year on Knowshon really worked out well.

Virginia at Virginia Tech- Win and the Hokies are your Coastal Division champs. Lose and Georgia Tech advances to the ACC Championship. At least there's no animus between Virginia and Virginia Tech fans. These guys love each other. By the way, is Al Groh really safe for another year? Has Virginia just given up on ever being good at football? It's fine if they have but I feel like they owe it to their fans to hold a press conference and allow the AD to say, "I know there's been a lot of question and rumors surrouding this football program. Let me be clear: we are not ever going to be very good. If you're hoping for more than 8 wins in a season, you should root for another team. Like Virginia Tech or Richmond. We just aren't about winning football games here. We're going to focus on law school softball championships, instead. That's all. Go 'Hoos."

Kentucky at Tennessee (-4)- Tennessee has beaten Kentucky more consecutive years, 23, than any team has beaten another team in the country. Once, when I was a kid, I witnessed one of UT's coaches running off the field after a win over Kentucky screaming, "Go to hell Kentucky, now you can have your damn basketball season!" Why do I feel like a Kentucky coach could say the same thing at the end of tomorrow's game?

Syracuse at Cincinnati (-22)- - Win and Cincy is BCS bowl bound. Lucky for Cincinnati there's no history of a twenty-plus point underdog Syracuse team going on the road and winning a game no one anticipated they could win. Nope, this one is going to be completely easy.

Florida (-16.5) at Florida State - Hopefully this is Tim Tebow's final regular season college football game. If only so we can spend the next three months hearing Mel Kiper and Todd McShay incessantly debate Tebow's draft status. Here's a guess, one guy will think he's a stud and the other guy will think he isn't. Then they will repeat these positions 4 billion times until the draft arrives. Then, on draft day, a team will select him and, guess what, they'll debate about Tebow again. If there's any irony in the world, Tebow will get drafted by the Titans. My wife will deliver our second son, I'll go down to the nursery and Tebow will be circumcising babies on his day off.

Maryland at Boston College (-6.5)- Beat Maryland and BC is in the ACC Championship Game. Lose and that honor goes to Florida State. Has anyone else noted that it's possible the ACC regular season is going to end without any team winnning 9 games? Has this ever happened in a major conference before, where the best team only has 8 wins? Especially now that there are 12 regular season games.

Auburn at Alabama (-14.5)- Auburn has beaten Alabama six consecutive years. If they find a way to march into Tuscaloosa and win again, Tommy Tuberville, the original beaver pelt trader, Alabama fans are going to come undone. I don't know what will happen but I feel like I'll turn on the television and the entire state of Alabama will look like Jonestown, Guyana.

Oregon at Oregon State (-3)- The final obstacle to Oregon State's first Rose Bowl since 1965 arrives. I've never been to a rivalry game in the Pac-10, but I've heard this game is the one to attend above all others. think if you're a college football fan, you have to be rooting for Oregon State to go to the Rose Bowl, right? Can you imagine what odds you could have gotten on this when Oregon State was 1-2 (with a loss to Stanford and a blowout loss to Penn State) and about to play USC on Thursday night back in September?

Oklahoma (-7) at Oklahoma State- The over/under on this game is 72. Meaning, if you have a hearbeat, you should be watching come Saturday night. Oklahoma State hasn't beaten Oklahoma since 2002. Is this the game where people finally sit around and realize that Sam Bradford has 42 touchdowns against 6 interceptions? I think the Heisman is his to lose today. Either that or all the Big 12 voters will conflict with one another and Tim Tebow will snag another one. We'll see. Personally, my vote is for the Oklahoma girl at the top of the preview.

1." Did they block the Lions game out again?" (I say I have no idea that I'm from Nashville and just landed in Michigan.) "Oh well, it doesn't matter. Fuck the Lions. I'd rather watch whoever else is playing anyway."

2." The Lions are up 17-0? Damn. Wonder how long it will take them to lose that lead?"

3. "Do you care if we change the channel for just a sec. to see what they're saying about the auto bailout?"

4. "You're from Tennessee? I wish Rodriguez would move to Tennessee and die."

5. "Did you know Ford had to buy the Thanksgiving game tickets this year because no one was buying them? They're selling them to employees for $30 each. I heard no one is buying them even though that's less than half what they actually cost. Boy, when I was a kid that Thanksgiving game was the best."

So be thankful you aren't a sports fan from Michigan. And if you are a sports fan from Michigan? Yeah, sorry, you're screwed. On to the college football round-up.

Oklahoma toasted Texas Tech. Just one day after I announced I had a crush on Mike Leach. This game was kind of like going for a piss, opening the bathroom door, and seeing your crush ski-poling two random guys she met at a fraternity party. Even still, in the great "Will it be, Leach, Brian Kelly, or Lane Kiffin as the next UT coach-debate?", I'm with Leach.

Also, Brent Musberger attempting to pronounce Beyonce's name during the promos for the American Music Awards should put an end to the old-announcers attempt to read promos business. Just put it on the screen. Also, was I the only person who thought that while he discussed the Beyonce mispronunciation Herbstreit was thinking, "I could bang Beyonce if I wanted to." It was the subtext of the entire conversation.

Finally, granted Texas Tech got destroyed, but all they need is an Oklahoma loss on the road at Oklahoma State and they win the tiebreak over Texas head to the Big 12 Title Game. Win that and wouldn't it be hard to put Texas in above them in the BCS Title Game?

Washington State wins in overtime over Washington. The only thing better than a game between two teams who have combined for one win? An overtime game that ends with one team missing a short field goal and the other team making one.

Penn State contributed to the continued collapse of Michigan's self-esteem by beating the only decent team in the state. We've spent enough time on this. Congrats to Penn State on their first Rose Bowl in 14 years. Condolences on Joe Pa announcing he's returning for a 44th season. Meanwhile, Michigan was destroyed by Ohio State to put a merciful end to their season. The Terrelle Pryor Rich Rod picture will never die.

Charlie Weis is a genius! Did anyone else see the snowballs that someone threw right after the missed field goal at the end of Notre Dame's loss to Syracuse? Was this supposed to be a celebratory snowball? Because somehow that snowball bursting open when it landed on the field was the perfect metaphor for the Weis era at Notre Dame. Well, okay, not as good of a metaphor as Weis getting wrecked on the sideline against Michigan, but close.

Also, how many more years does NBC Sports have to pretend they still have a sports department by showing Notre Dame games? Remember back when NBC Sports had the NBA and the NFL? Doesn't that seem like it never happened now? I know NBC has Sunday Night Football, but there's something about their sports coverage that seems wistful for 1988. Even down to the dark, Seinfeld-esque color schemes in their telecasts. Not as wistful as Notre Dame fans are for 1988 or in believing that Urban Meyer will leave Florida to come be their coach, but close.

Tennessee beat Vanderbilt despite passing for only 22 yards. We didn't complete a pass in the entire first half. Four different people played quarterback for Tennessee. Only one of them completed a pass (unless you count Jonathan Crompton's interception on his only pass attempt). There's no existing film from UT's games back in the 1930's. Now, at least I have an idea what the offense would have looked like in person.

Oregon State is a win over Oregon away from their first Rose Bowl since 1965. Lucky for the Rose Bowl that game would be a rematch. This is perfect. Anyone who favors a college football playoff should root for the Rose Bowl to get screwed every year. The bastards think their single game is more important than the rest of college football. Enjoy.

Maryland controlled their own destiny in the and got waxed by Florida State; Miami had the Atlantic Division wrapped up and got destroyed as well. Now I think Boston College controls their own fate. So if they beat Maryland, they're in. But if they lose Florida State is in. So at least there's some finality there. Same with Virginia Tech, win and they're in. Swell, a rematch between two teams that were better last year. To see who gets waxed by another team in the BCS.

Cincinnati and Brian Kelly are headed to the BCS provided they can get the win over Syracuse. Did anyone else think Erin Andrews was slamming the Cincinnati fans every time she did a sideline report. At least twice she pointed out that the fans weren't excited enough. I think this was her revenge for being sent to a night game in Cincinnati in November.

Utah beat BYU and is now 12-0. They're up to number 6 in the BCS standings. What's the route to the BCS Title Game for Utah? I'll tell you. Alabama loses to Auburn, Florida loses to Florida State then beats Alabama in the SEC Title Game. Oklahoma loses to Oklahoma State, Texas Tech loses to Baylor, and Texas loses to Missouri in the Big 12 Title Game. Then, I think, Utah would play USC for the BCS Championship. See, Ute fans, the BCS is an infallible and fair system. You've got a shot too!

• Syracuse pulled off a big upset on Saturday with a last minute touchdown pass to beat Notre Dame 24-23. Looks like it might be time for Charlie Weiss to dust of his resume. The winning touchdown pass was thrown by Syracuse's Cameron Dantley, who happens to be the son of Notre Dame basketball legend Adrian Dantley. Funny how that worked out, huh? And it seems like the Notre Dame students took it personally:

"The Irish players were pelted by snowballs on the sideline for much of the first quarter by fans sitting on the student section. Defensive end Ethan Johnson was struck on the left cheek and several other players also getting hit by snowballs despite three announcement urging fans to stop."

Future Jets fans, ladies and gentlemen.

• Penn State has earned their first Rose Bowl bid with a decisive 49-18 win Saturday over Michigan State. Joe Paterno confirmed his belief that he's returning and apparently, he thinks contracts are for pansies.

"I'm planning on coming back, yeah," Paterno said. "I never planned otherwise. Everyone's making a big deal that I don't have a contract signed. I've never even asked to do that."

Indeed.

You know how it is, one moment you’re drinking beers as fast as you can to try and make the memories of Tennessee’s loss to Wyoming disappear and the next moment you look up and watch Texas Tech score touchdown after touchdown against Oklahoma State. Touchdown after touchdown without their players being touched. I’ll admit it, it was breathtaking, I couldn’t speak. Like being 14 all over again and watching Steve Spurrier’s Fun ‘N Gun offense move up and down the field. One moment I’m contemplating committing hari kari with a bayonet attached to the end of Davy Crockett’s musket and the next minute, I’m imagining the Tennessee River outside Neyland Stadium as one glorious fusillade of pirate ships. Black pirate flags taken over by orange, women dressed in orange-pirated finery-cutlasses sheathed in their orange garters. Maybe even a coach (you, Mike, you!) on the sideline wearing a coonskin cap. It could happen, I'm not just dreaming.

Maybe it’s because we’re both lawyers. Or because we both like pirates. Either way I can tell, I just know, that we’re made for each other, Mike. I didn’t know it in the past. Oh, there were hints, like the Michael Lewis article for the New York Times , our mutual affinity for Daniel Boone, and the fact that you graduated from law school and realized you didn’t want to really be a lawyer. Or even the fact that the first book I ever got specially ordered was Look Out for Pirates.

I’d been obsessed with the book for months, checking it out over and over again at the local Goodlettsville Library. Finally my mom ordered it for me as a birthday present. From Walden Books at Rivergate Mall. Ordering books back in those days was a big deal. I still laugh at all the people who complain about Barnes&Noble and Borders killing independent booksellers. Please. When I grew up Walden Books was the only bookstore within twenty miles of my house. They had like forty-five books in the entire store and 18 of them had to do with cooking. (The other 27 were Bible reading-guides.) Getting a decent book was a laborious process. After weeks of asking your mom if the book was here yet, you got a telephone call, your book had arrived!

That day I walked into Rivergate Mall in Goodlettsville, Tennessee positively giddy with excitement. There it was, my very own book. Wrapped in brown-paper behind the desk. The employee handed it to me and I ripped it open. The glorious blue cover, the swords, the pirates, the sunken treasure. It was all pretty spectacular. Just like your offense Mike, just like your offense.

And now, I can’t help but hope we’ve come full circle. I’m rooting for you to lose Mike, but it’s nothing personal. Come Saturday night I’ll be hunkered down in front of my flat-screen television. I’m cutting out pictures of you and drawing hearts on them, Mike. My wife won't let me put them on the ceiling but I'm keeping them in a trapper-keeper by my nightstand.

Oh, and I’m not wearing any pants during the game. I hope you don’t mind. Pants are just so constricting. You’re the dreamiest, Mike, the dreamiest.

Would you be mine, could you be mine, won't you be, my pirate?

Coughs.

I might have gotten a little carried away there. On to the breakdown of the rest of the most intriguing games of the weekened.

Michigan at Ohio State (-21)- Rich Rod doesn't want to you watch this game. He thinks you suck because you care so much about a stupid football game. Why don't you go repair cleft palates or circumcise babies or give all your time and effort to ending the discord between Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq? That's what Rich Rod does every morning. As soon as he finishes internet hunting with the click of a mouse (I have no idea why but I'm convinced Rich Rod is big on internet hunting), he hops in a plane, flies to Africa and spends the day digging wells in the fetid heat. Without even taking his malaria pills. And all you people want him to do is win football games? You sicken Rich Rod, sicken him.

Seriously though, wouldn't it be great if Michigan boosters filed suit on behalf of West Virginia to try and enforce the original West Virginia contract and send Rich Rod back to Morgantown? Even if the suit immediately got dismissed because there was no privity of contract, I think this would be a great move by a Michigan-fan lawyer.

Washington (-7) at Washington State- Signs your football team is in disarray: your most hated rival comes to your house to play, they have not won a game all season, have fired their coach, and...Washington is still favored by a touchdown. That's low, really low. You know what's lower? Washington has a bye week after this game before they play Cal. So the entire team has to sit around for another week and wait to finish out the season by getting the shit kicked out of them. Remember when the bully yelled he was going to kick your ass just as the bus pulled away to begin Thanksgiving break, and then you spent all of Thanksgiving terrified because you knew the bully meant it? Washington's bye week before Cal is the college football version.

Michigan State at Penn State (-15.5)- Penn State wins the Big Ten with a victory here. Is it just me or since the Iowa loss is it like Penn State doesn't even exist anymore? If you'd told Penn State fans before the season started they'd win the Big Ten, they'd have been ecstatic. Now, they're kicking snow drifts and hoping that Iowa kicker dies of lockjaw.

Meanwhile, Michigan State might be the only bright spot in the entire state of Michigan. The auto companies are imploding, Michigan and the Lions are a combined 3-18, AI isn't working for the Pistons, it's fucking cold, and no one has enough money for Christmas. And now the Spartans are going to get kicked in the teeth as a prelude for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to arrive on Sunday afternoon.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (-6)- Last night while I was watching Georgia Tech rush for 472 yards, 472! (They passed for 46. That stat-line is like something from 1954. If you're Miami do you just burn the tape from this game?), I kept seeing the score for Pitt and Cincinnati flashing on the screen. For about five minutes I thought this game was taking place on Thursday Night and I was trying to figure out how I'd missed this fact. Then I remembered the NFL was back on Thursdays again and that for six weeks out of the year Rich Eisen was relevant. (Isn't it funny how much the NFL Network overhypes the Thursday night game after it's over? It's the only reason the network exists. It's really kind of pathetic. They remind me of the kid I knew in elementary school who took a family vacation to Fort Campbell, Kentucky and spent the next year telling everyone stats about Fort Campbell.)

Anyway, Cincy wins the Big East if they win this game. Lose and the championship will come down to Pitt.-West Virginia. The internet is alive with rumors that Brian Kelly will be the new coach at UT. I don't buy it. But if he is, here's a tip for the rest of the SEC, we just hired a coach who married a woman named Paqui. Do with this what you must.

Tennessee at Vanderbilt (-3.5)- Vanderbilt has never been favored over Tennessee in recorded history. I'll be there writing a book. Another fun fact, Tennessee and Ohio State are the only two schools to never have lost 8 games in a football season. Vandy is favored to make this the worst season in the history of Tennessee. Yep, this is my life.

Oregon State at Arizona (-2.5)- Oregon State's march towards their first Rose Bowl since 1965 continues...maybe. Don't you know that Mike Riley stays awake at night watching film from their opening game of the season, a 36-28 Thursday night loss at Stanford? Win that game and all he'd have to do is split his final two to end up in the Rose Bowl. Oregon State has won 8 of the last 9 over Arizona. Can they make it 9 of 10? The 'Hoff hopes not.

Florida State (-1) at Maryland- If Maryland wins they retain control of the Atlantic Division. If they lose...who the fuck knows. Remember when you played little league and every kid had to bat? Even the kid who used his baseball cap as the fin on the shark he made out of dirt in the dugout? Yeah, whoever wins the ACC is officially this kid in the BCS.

Utah (-7) v. BYU- True or false, Utah is the Beehive State? Utah is currently #7 in the BCS and can complete a perfect regular season with a win over BYU. Something they haven't done since 2005. You'd think this will get them in the BCS. Hopefully against Cincinnati. So ESPN can do the math and realize they just paid $20 million for this game. That's more than Pam Ward's penis cost.

Texas Tech at Oklahoma (-6.5)- I can't wait to watch this game. No matter what happens you know this game is going to be entertaining. Bradford and Harrell, Crabtree and Iglesias. It's like Christmas in November. Only with more alcohol and less pants.

1. Texas eliminated Missouri from the national stage on Saturday. The Horns were up 35-3 at the half and all those Missouri fans who were convinced that Texas might have a figurative hangover after Oklahoma were busy wondering if Chase Daniel was literally hungover. Three weeks ago I anointed Daniel the Heisman Trophy winner. Maybe that was a bit premature. Now everyone knows Colt McCoy is going to win it. Which probably means he won’t. The void in the Heisman race this year is gargantuan.

2. Maryland beat Wake Forest 26-0. If there is a less consistent team in America than Maryland, I haven’t seen them play all year. Lose to UVA by 31 when you’re favored by 14, beat a top 25 Cal team that you’re double digit underdogs to, lose to Middle Tennessee State by 10, and now bounce back from being shutout to shutout the top team in the ACC. There are no words. I’m picturing a bleary-eyed Ralph Friedgen sitting in front of film from this season’s games,Twinkies flying over his shoulder at warp speed, saying over and over again, “If I just watch long enough it will all make sense.” No, it won’t Coach. It never will.

3. With 6:46 remaining in the third quarter Penn State was tied at 17 with Michigan. Nittany Lions fans were starting to wonder if they were going to find a way to lose to the worst Michigan football team in the history of the university and then they scored 29 consecutive points and covered the huge spread. Am I the only person who pictures Joe Pa giving the Russell Crowe Gladiator speech during a television commercial break? Via the sideline phone no less. How much would you pay to hear Joe Pa say, “At my signal, unleash hell.”

(It takes a while but the best single line of moviedom in the past ten years will come up eventually. Damn copyright lawyers ruining clips for the rest of us.)

4. Georgia outlasts Vandy 24-14. This game was ugly. And I know because I was nauseous and attempting to take a nap while watching this game from my car on Saturday afternoon. Earlier I’d spent the day touring the Thomas Wolfe home in Asheville. Don’t ask. But isn’t it amazing how teams can drop off the national radar so fast? Georgia is number 7 in the BCS standings and you’d think they’ve lost three games already. That will probably change beginning this weekend at LSU, but still, how have they disappeared so quickly?

In case you're wondering how the Gators are getting ready for the Cocktail Party, here's a rap about the awesomeness of beards from Gainesville. Every time I want to hate Florida fans, they go and pull off something amazing like this. Work your way through the opening half-minute and wait for the rap to begin. It's truly outstanding. As an added bonus watch for Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Taurean Green to make cameos. Seriously.

5. On Friday Boise State beat Hawaii 32-7 to get to 6-0. Remember Boise State head coach Chris Petersen? You should. He’s about to become the hottest commodity among young head coaches in the country. Their only win by less than 13 was over Oregon at Oregon. They’re #15 in the country and will be favored to get to 12-0. Can they crash the BCS again? Oklahoma hopes not.

6. Texas Tech is 7-0 and still has played no one. Why can’t my team ever get a starting schedule like this to artificially inflate our expectations? But that’s all about to change. Starting this week Tech goes to Kansas (where they’ve opened as an early underdog), then they get Texas and Oklahoma State at home before a nice road trip to Oklahoma. Christ, is the negative karma from going to law school finally catching up with Mike Leach?

7. LSU proved they can win a big night game on the road. Unfortunately for them, this win means their home game against Georgia will now be an afternoon game for CBS. Somehow Les Miles will find a way to blame Matthew Stafford for this insult to the honor of the Bengal Tigers. Meaning I'm glad I'm not Matthew Stafford.

8. Remember how USC was favored by 43 on the road? Yeah, they covered by 26. 69-0 was the final. Washington State’s really clicking on all cylinders now. Can you imagine being a Washington State fan, putting money on your team, and then having to watch this debacle?

As if that weren't bad enough, word is the entire Washington State dance team fled Pullman to become Mark Sanchez's harem. Only Sanchez dropped them off in Sacramento because they weren't hot enough for LA.

9. Oklahoma's Sam Bradford threw for 468 yards against Kansas. What’s more, the Sooners put up 674 yards of total offense. How is that even possible with the new clock rules? Seriously, 674 yards. You’re thinking, they must have thrown the ball on every play. You’d be wrong. They passed 56 times, but they also ran the ball 44 times. Meaning they managed to run 100 offensive plays. The average team in college football is averaging about 64 this year. How did this happen? Especially because Kansas ran 72 plays themselves. It wasn’t like they turned the ball over on the first play every time. I have no idea how this game featured 172 plays. Anyway, Oklahoma won 45-31.

10. Ohio State eviscerated Michigan State. Meaning it might well be another twenty years before Michigan State gets to go back to the Rose Bowl. But they can still beat Michigan this weekend, right? State fans are kicking dirt clods outside their UP Winnebagos. Right? Meanwhile, Ohio State and Penn State decides the Rose Bowl for the Big Ten before November is even here.

11. UVA upset North Carolina in overtime. What if Al Groh won the ACC this year? Your world is spinning in reverse right now, isn’t it? UVA is now 2-1 in conference and has a chance to take over the Coastal Division lead with a game at Georgia Tech this weekend.

12. The first BCS standings are out. Texas and Alabama are in the top spots. Not for long. I personally guarantee a loss for Alabama this weekend in Knoxville. It’s happening. Write it down and remember who told you first. In fact, wager your life savings on the Alabama favored by 6 line. That worked very well for everyone who took my advice on Texas Tech-Nebraska. As a consolation prize in advance, this lovely Alabama girl has lost her top. Oh my. She must be cold.

1. Texas is your new consensus number one. Which will surprise a lot of people who haven't been paying attention to the season thus far because Texas lept all the way from number five to claim the top spot. One Shakespeare, William memorably summed up the college football universe by stating "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown." And in the current age of college football this is always applicable. But even more so for Texas. The Longhorns next three games? Missouri, Oklahoma State, and at Texas Tech. So in four consecutive weeks Texas plays the number 1 team (Oklahoma), the number 11 team in Missouri (who last week was number 3), the number 8 team in Oklahoma State, and the number 7 team in Texas Tech. What's that all mean? In one month, Texas plays 4 of the top 11 teams in the country. As if that weren't enough they still have number 16 Kansas hanging out there at the end of their schedule plus a Big 12 Title Game. If Texas wins all these games to get to 13-0 they shouldn't even have to play in the BCS Title Game.

2. What's even more important than losing? Everyone still thinking you're good after you've lost. That's the only way to explain how Florida is already back to number 5 in the country two weeks after a home loss to a below average SEC team in Ole Miss and how Oklahoma is still number 4 in the country after a loss to Texas on Saturday. Oklahoma's next four games are significantly easier than the schedule Texas faces. So if Texas loses one of these games does Oklahoma jump them in the polls or does Texas fall one or two slots only?

Meanwhile, it's looking as if Florida and Georgia will play an elimination game at the Cocktail Party. But if you're a Georgia fan don't you have to scratch you head about the polls now? You were ranked higher than Florida prior to your losses and lost to the number 2 team in the country. Florida lost to an unranked team with no other SEC wins. Both were home losses. Yet Florida is number 5 now and Georgia is number 10? I've argued that Georgia was overrated early in the season, but I don't see how anyone can justify Florida jumping six places after a win over LSU. Basically the Ole Miss loss is already being tossed aside as if it didn't happen. Why? Because the pollsters are all convinced Florida is that good. Even if they lost.

3. Four of the top 11 teams in the country are now in the Big 12 South. Meaning, for at least a season, the Big 12 South has eclipsed the SEC East as the toughest single division in college football. Here's a mess for you, what if Texas wins the South via a tiebreak over Oklahoma then loses the Big 12 Title to a two-loss Missouri team. It could easily happen. Then Oklahoma doesn't win their own division title and leapfrogs not only the conference champion but also the division champion to play for the BCS Title? Yeah, absurd.

4. The fevered dream of Northwestern and Vandy in the BCS title game went down to an untimely defeat with the Dores loss at Mississippi State and Northwestern's loss at home to Michigan State. Sing a sad song with me. I suggest Wonderwall.

5. Overheard from a player on the UT-Georgia sideline, "At least we're not Michigan losing at home to Toledo." Fortunately Toledo is not on the UT schedule this season.

6. Some of you took my lock advice Friday and laid money on Texas Tech as a 20 point favorite. Yeah, that didn't work out so well. As Deadspinner Jason emailed late on Saturday night, "You, sir, make a lousy financial advisor. I'm going to hire Ferdinand Williams to break your kneecaps."

(For those of you who don't know, Ferd Williams was a GW basketball player in the 1996 and 1997 season. Judging from his career shooting percentage, it's very likely he'd swing a hammer to break my kneecaps and instead hit himself in the lower lumbar region.)

7. One month ago I got several emails from people who were racist against the state of Utah about how ridiculous my hyping of the BYU-Utah game was. Still feel that way? BYU is up to number 8 in the Harris Poll. Anyone looking at the top ten and betting on an undefeated team emerging from the Big 6 conferences is a fool (or a Penn State fan since they have by far the best shot). Could an undefeated BYU with a top ten win over Utah on the final week of the regular season really not get a sniff at the BCS Title Game?

8. Mike Gundy has Oklahoma State as a player on the national scene. I have no idea what's going to come of this but it can only be good things. Prior to this you'll recall that Gundy is A.) a man and B. 40. Now he's also in the top ten. Does anyone else get the feeling that the interview process for head coaches at Oklahoma State doesn't even include words? Head coaching candidates just walk into the room, pull down their pants, and throw their gigantic balls on the AD's desk. That's the only way to explain how a school can follow up hiring Les Miles with Mike Gundy.

(Because this never gets old.)

9. Ohio State is not going to play for the national championship no matter what they do the rest of the season. They're still pegged in at number 12. There are 5 one loss teams ahead of them and 6 undefeated teams. In the Harris Interactive poll (which is the one that counts in the BCS), Ohio State actually fell to 13. Consider this the retroactive punishment for 2007 and 2008 losses. Come hell (the return of or high water (an 11-1 finish), Ohio State is not playing for the BCS title.

10. Which team has lost the most based upon an upset loss to a mediocre team? How about Virginia Tech? Beat rapidly fading East Carolina (they've lost three in a row) and worst-case scenerio they're number 4 in the country now. Ouch.

11. Finally, in case you missed the Miami-Central Florida game (which, to be fair, we all did), Central Florida brought their own versions of the Ibis to the house. Miami managed to survive the double-fingered bird salute and triumphed 20-14.

Texas v. Oklahoma (-6.5)- According to Texas fans Colt McCoy is the white Vince Young. Their stats are comparable but it's yet to be determined whether their big game heroics and sanity are equally similar. Although rumor has it that Colt has been rolling into Austin bars shirtless and swilling Patron for months. Make of this what you will.

Meanwhile Sam Bradford of Oklahoma has already thrown 18 touchdown passes. Seriously, 18. Colt only has 16. Both men have thrown 3 picks. So their combined touchdown to interception ratio is 34-6. This would be more impressive if either team had played a legit top 25 opponent yet. But they haven't.

Both the Texas and Oklahoma offenses average over 45 points a game while each is giving up less than two touchdowns. In a stroke of mathematical precision that has yet to be noted by anyone in either Texas or Oklahoma both teams average margin of victory is 35.8. So something has got to give. (Brent Musberger made himself a legend by intoning the previous cliche with the proper measure of respect.) Just be careful, this game is set for 12 eastern. Set the damn alarm.

South Carolina (-3) at Kentucky- It's rare you see a line move four points. This one has. After opening as one-point favorites the Cats now find themselves three-point home dogs. I have no idea what this signifies. Except somehow I think Stephen Garcia is behind the magically moving line. I'm expecting him to go all Achilles on us and decapitate Kentucky's quarterback Mike Hartline during warm-ups. Word is he blames Hartline for killing Patroclus. Remember where you heard it first. Unless you're a police officer then...ha...lucky guess.

Nebraska at Texas Tech (-20)- It's even rarer I give gambling advice, but right now take all of the money that you've got left in stocks, cash out (go ahead and take your tax losses), and put it on Texas Tech to cover the 20 point line. Seriously, do it. Nebraska has the defense of a southern Theta at a Dave Matthews concert. Which is to say none. Back the truck up at the sports book. Do it now. Do it. (Not that you still subscribe to peer pressure anymore but if you don't do this then I'm telling everyone that you slept with special sheets to keep your mattress from getting soaked when you still wet your bed at the age of 16.)

(Mike Leach will make you one rich ass dude. Trust me.)

Tennessee at Georgia (-12)-- As you're reading this I'm somewhere in the backwoods of Georgia on the Tennessee team bus. If the Vols allow a punt return for a touchdown you'll probably be able to hear me squealing on the television contest. In what might be a Deadspin first, email me if you're driving back from Athens to Nashville. I don't have a ride home since the team is returning home via plane. This is not a joke.

Oklahoma State at Missouri (-14)- This is one of three games that Missouri could potentially lose in the regular season. The other two are at Texas and against Kansas on the final week. They probably won't lose this game but it should be entertaining as hell. Oklahoma State's under the radar. If they can score in the 40's, they won't be after this weekend. Regardless, Chase Daniel and Warren Buffet's album is so going platinum when it drops next week.

Arkansas at Auburn (-17)- How bad is Arkansas? Auburn hasn't scored more than two offensive touchdowns in the SEC this year and they just fired their offensive coordinator, yet they're favored by 17. I'm really just mentioning this game so I can link Tony Franklin clearing out his office. Which they filmed in Alabama. Well, of course they did.

Penn State (-5.5) at Wisconsin- Sooner or later Wisconsin's fans are going to turn on the band and blame their sexual misconduct for all the team's misfortune. But that's in the future. Six quarters ago Wisconsin fans believed they were headed to the Rose Bowl. Now, they're just hoping not to end up in the Motor City Bowl. Yeah, the college football tides turn in a hurry.

Meanwhile this is game 2 of Penn State's march to the BCS Title game. Win and it's looking like their road game at Ohio State will decide the Big Ten title. Lose...and it's still looking like their road game at Ohio State will decide the Big Ten title.

LSU at Florida (-6)- Just once I'd like to see the world through Les Miles colored glasses. Nothing in life is uncertain to Les Miles. He's the least doubting man in America. As a consequence he's fearless. That's the only way to explain his success. Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at broken places." I disagree, the world has never broken Les Miles. And it never will.

Conversely, the world breaks Tim Tebow after every game. He cries, he mopes, he swears fealty to an angry God. Last year LSU fans got Tebow's phone number, this year, they're gunning for his football life. Which they cleverly informed the referees. Meaning LSU gets flagged for at least two late hits in the first half. The resulting points from those drives will probably be enough to make a difference.

Each week more signs appear behind the stage at ESPN's College Gameday. Some are original and funny (Knowshon Crossing sign with his leaping outline), some are entirely inside jokes (let's make a sign with our friend's name on it and hold it up for three hours early in the morning), and some are deemed offensive and are destroyed by ESPN heavies. Which brings us to the sign posted above, "Lou Holtz Spits, Mark May Swallows." It comes to me via reader Pete and he says, " By 10:05 AM ESPN had already confiscated it and broken it apart, but it did set off quite a commotion the few minutes it was up."

So now you know if you're interested in trying to sneak your sign past the heavies at ESPN, you're out of luck. Unless that sign says, "Lee Corso is a penis", then you may survive for a little while. I've always thought that Gameday doesn't take advantage of this signage enough. For instance, what if they actually made Desmond Howard do something, anything worthwhile on the show, and put him to work selecting the five best signs of the day and bringing them on set for the final segment? Or the top three signs? Actually, given his sense of humor Howard might not be the best choice. But wouldn't this be a great idea? To acknowledge all the fans who show up early in the morning and scream and yell and make the show such a success. Granted "Lou Holtz spits, Mark May Swallows" is not going to make the cut, but for original signs with good humor, wouldn't it be cool to encourage the creativity? Instead of, you know, taking a college kid's sign and breaking it up after deeming it offensive. (Offensive is a stretch here anyway, Lou Holtz does spit and Mark May does swallow...sometimes, or he would die.) Could Pete have gotten away with, "Lou Holtz Expectorates and Mark May Ingests." I think so.

I want to know which ESPN guru is in charge of deciding whether a sign is offensive or not. I'm picturing this bespectacled guy sitting in front of a large HD screen on the Gameday bus, television images reflected off his glasses, laptop in lap, and googling sign phrases with laser-like focus. Then he has like fifteen guys dressed entirely in black (the ESPN shockforce), snaps his fingers, and Gino Torretta goes outside and wreaks havoc. Either that or they borrow David Pollack from CBS and send him out to say, "Golly gee, y'all should have known better," and Pollack throws the signs down and then skips from one side of the sign to another, smiling at you all the while, as he destroys your sign.

Anyway, if you've ever wondered whether ESPN brings the muscle to break down offensive signs, now you know. On to 8 other things I noted from this week's games.

1. Someone finally stopped Tim Tebow on a 4th and 1 shotgun sneak. That team was Ole Miss. Prior to this stop, South Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, and Ole Miss had all been victimized by the Tebow fourth down sneak leading to victories. It was believed by many, much like the four minute mile, that this play simply couldn't be bested. And then Ole Miss stopped it. A Houston Nutt coached team stopped it. Wow.

When this final score was announced at UT-Auburn, there was a roar throughout the stadium. A roar so loud that the Florida guys with their sleevless t-shirts and the Florida girls with their bingo wings, felt a sudden chill of air on the backs of their exposed arms. Here's the play.

Note how Ole Miss sends every single player storming into the center of the line. There isn't a single player more than two yards from the line of scrimmage. If Florida goes play action here, they win. Or even with the Tim Tebow jump pass.

New theory: Florida can't handle the rural SEC schools. Ole Miss has won two in a row in the Swamp, Miss. State sent the Zooker packing, and Auburn's owning of the Gators is well-chronicled. There's something about cows that spells Gator disaster. Otherwise how to explain the incongruous site of Ole Miss fans mocking the Gator Chomp with a derogatory chop of their own in Gainesville.

2. Wisconsin blows a 19-0 lead at Michigan and loses. As if that weren't bad enough this was the biggest second-half comeback in Michigan stadium history. That's 500 games. This is one of those losses where if you're a Wisconsin fan you find yourself sitting outside in the fading light staring off into the coming darkness thinking, "No matter what happens, Michigan is always going to be better than we are at football. Always." Michigan had 5 turnovers and only 21 yards of offense in the first half. And they won.

Wisconsin had an undefeated team, was favored, and choked away the second half. How painful was it? Wisconsin scored on a two-point conversion to tie the game but was penalized and failed on the second attempt.

3. Tennessee quarterback Jonathan Crompton is the worst quarterback in my life at UT. He was 8-23 for 67 yards against Auburn. To say that this game was an atrocious display of football is insulting to the word atrocious. From UT giving Auburn a defensive touchdown by failing to execute the always complicated handoff, to Auburn's quarterback, Chris Todd, having the arm strength of a girl's power puff quarterback, this thing was epically bad on every level.

How bad? Auburn's fans booed their team while they were leading in the fourth quarter. How bad part two? Jonathan Crompton's entire quarterbacking skill seems to consist of throwing the ball really hard. He didn't complete a pass for the final 20 minutes of the game. At one point, though, he did manage to throw a three-yard slant pattern 400 miles an hour. No one on earth could have caught this thing. Yep, he's Ricky Vaughn. My book is going to be awesome. It might just end up being an itemized roster of how much money Jonathan Crompton has cost me.

There was no joy in either fan base aw we left the stadium. Everyone looked like they'd just witnessed an execution.

4. Duke beats UVa 31-3. Meaning that Duke, Northwestern, and Vanderbilt are a combined 12-1 this season. The only loss among the three? Northwestern beat Duke. All three are likely to go bowling. As if that weren't enough ESPN's College Gameday just announced yesterday that they're coming to Vanderbilt for the game against Auburn this weekend. Seriously, Vanderbilt is hosting College Gameday. Any Tennessee fan who said that losing offensive coordinator David Cutcliffe wouldn't hurt was a fool. Duke is probably 1-3 without him, UT is 3-1 with him. Anyway, the big news here is that Vanderbilt becomes the smartest school since Williams-Amherst to get College Gameday. I'm expecting signs that are so insulting, biting, and smart that ESPN isn't smart enough to note their sublime subterfuge. Don't disappoint me Vandy, don't disappoint me.

5. Alabama eviscerates Georgia. Much to the chagrin of Georgia fans, I've been one of those people who has been saying all along that Georgia was overvalued relative to the other teams in the SEC. But even I was shocked by this outcome. 31-0 at the half? Imagine how bad it would have been if Georgia hadn't blacked out the stadium.

What's the only thing worse than watching your team lose 14-12? Having to drive back across the whole state of Alabama and listen to Crimson Tide radio announcer Eli Gold have 48 orgasms on the radio.

Here's Eli, pictured above. By the way, can Alabama fans back me up on this, is Eli the only radio announcer on the Crimson Tide broadcast capable of speaking in sentences? Everyone else he had on-air with him just spoke occasional words and then uttered sounds after. How did they select these guys? Worse, who did they beat out? Eli Gold sounds like a Shakepearean actor and his co-workers sound like stand-ins for the missing link.

6. Oklahoma is your new number 1 team after the dust setlles on Saturday's results. The Sooners dispatched TCU 35-10. Four of the top ten lose. Alabama slides in at number 2 after their pasting of Georgia. Three teams from the Big 12 join two from the SEC. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what the hell is going to happen for the rest of the season is a damn fool. Survival is the operative word. Are we headed towards another two-loss national champion? Perhaps.

7. Don't look now but BYU is going to cause some major BCS headaches. They moved up to number 8 and only play one top 25 opponent for the remainder of the season (at home against Utah on the final week of their regular season) With all the attrition up top could BYU end up in the title game? Yeah, they really could.

8. UConn took down Louisville to go to 5-0 and reach the top 25 at 24 with fellow top ten crasher South Florida from the Big East. Which brings us to a second crazy thought, could BYU and South Florida end up in the national championship game? Looking at both of their schedules they'll be favored to be undefeated come season's end (with the possible exception for USF's season finale on December 6th at West Virginia). Fans would demand a playoff then, right? Right?

Today's preview of the #4 team in all the land is brought to us by Rohit Joshi, a senior majoring in business at OU. Yep, he's still in college, getting ready for the start of college football season while we're all cranking out billable hours on document review. Life is fair. He says job solicitations are welcome. He's also Deadspin commenter SheMateMe. Enjoy.

When looking at Oklahoma through the eyes of one of its programs’ supporters, it is clear that expectations can be simultaneously running high and low. Ever since the Sooners’ colossal meltdown in the 2005 Orange Bowl, Norman-ites have been assuming the worst for their team while still somehow expecting a national championship. Injuries, dismissals, and nationally televised embarrassments (2007 Fiesta Bowl – greatest game ever my ass.) have thrown blemishes on this perennial powerhouse. But mark it down boys, it’ll be championship #8 in ‘08, err technically ‘09, but I know you don’t give a damn.

Pros

Prospects. One glaring advantage that Oklahoma has this year is the amount of potential NFL talent. The Sooners have not been known for their prospect grooming since the late 70’s, but ever since Purple Jesus left Norman, the program is a whole new animal. Take for example stud RB DeMarco Murray. Combine the speed of Usain Bolt, the ball carrying ability of Barry Sanders with the game-breaking explosiveness of God, and then only you will get DeMarco Murray. I mean, when asked to compare Murray to Adrian Peterson, Bob Stoops admitted he had a hard time determining who was the more talented running back. No homo, I love this kid. Clearing the way for Murray will be two sure shot first round picks in lineman Duke Robinson and Phil Loadholt. These two form the combined 672 lb, 13’3” ft wall on the left side of the offensive line. Too much power and too much foot speed means these two will be going happy-go-Jackie on defensive tackles like a donkey eating a waffle. Oh yeah, safety Nic Harris is way cool too.

Cons

Convict-like behavior. Yes Penn-State I am fully aware of your parking lot brawlers and I know the Gators are beaming with pride of their AK-toting offensive tackle, but convict like behavior has crippled the Sooners in a lot of ways. Embezzlements, weapons charges, and even grand theft garment has made Oklahoma look bad on the field. I know Rhett Bomar had an IQ that only rivaled Dubya, but I defend him because THE KID COULD FLAT OUT BALL. Bomar rehashed OU’s dual quarterback history and had potential for a Heisman-caliber career similar to Nebraska’s Eric Crouch. Loadholt’s recent DUI doesn’t help things for anybody and neither does DeMarcus Grangers exploits at a Phoenix area Burlington Coat Factory while perusing through the selection. Josh Jarboe, a prized recruit was just recently booted for freestyle rapping that he’ll shoot somebody or have someone shoot him or doing some kind of insider trading, but nonetheless the coaching staff handed him his walking papers in a flash. Bottom line: if Stoops can give his crew a reality check, he will once again reclaim the moniker Big Game Bob.

Those Other Guys.

Right now you would expect me to take shots at Oklahoma State, the red-headed step child of OU or Texas, the school loved by both racist rednecks and Austin’s wonderful hipster populations alike. They’re too easy. I’m going for the new kids on the block - Mizzourah. Let me start by saying: Chase Daniel - sit down, please. Missouri fans claim this guy to be the second coming of whoever the hell played quarterback for Missouri back in the day and it is getting to his head. If you actually watch him play he is not the calm, poised leader that he plays on TV interviews. He’s actually a baby, whining and blaming his teammates only to eat boogers in celebration when he actually does something right. Missouri is the king of the Big XII North, which says a lot if you play D-II women’s volleyball. That’s it and that all. I’ll send you a postcard from South Beach.

I don't know if they're interested in having him play quarterback or teach a class on business ethics, but since it's not a Division 1 school, he could do both and not have to sacrifice a year of eligibility. I think it would probably be better for his future NFL chances to sit the year out and then find a D-I school, but you know the love he has for commerce. And thanks to Ian for the tip.

On another interesting note, check out this post on TexAgs.com from back in January, spotted on The Wizard of Odds. Someone hinted about a scandal involving football players getting paychecks for work they didn't do at a car dealership. The poster didn't give any names, or even a school, and was hammered for it by other posters, in a typical mean-spirited internet message board kind of way. In a post later that same day, he named Bomar, and OU, and was still largely blown off. And the timestamps indicate this happened back in January.

Is it legal??????? (OU / Bomar scandal reported on TexAgs - 7 months ago) [TexAgs.com]
Notebook: Texas A&M-Commerce interested in Bomar [USA Today]
Admit It! You Have a Problem! [The Wizard of Odds]