Anyway, Penn State guard Stanley Pringle was charged yesterday for getting his Mike Cooper on.

Police said Pringle, the team's point guard, sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating. Police have filed charges of public lewdness and disorderly conduct against him in connection to the incident, but Centre County District Judge Jonathan Grine, who is out of the office, was unable to sign the criminal complaint as of 2 p.m. today. Without the signed complaint, Pringle cannot be formally arrested.

For the record, Penn State is denying the charges.

So, did this:

exhaust every possible library masturbation joke you could come up with? Let's find out.

Basketball Player To Be Charged In Library Masturbation [Daily Collegian]
Deadspin Hall Of Fame: Carl Monday [Deadspin]

(By the way, it's just great to see that video again. We miss it sometimes.)

Yes, we'll be spending our Thursday and Friday of next week live blogging the first round of the NCAA tournament — the afternoon games, anyway — and we are extremely rusty. Therefore, this little practice round of a game no one cares about but us.

Oddly, Vegas has the Illini as an eight-point favorite in this game. Clearly, Vegas hasn't watched many Illini games this year. We'll see how this goes.

Anyway, let's start it up ... after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

Final Score: Illinois 64, Penn State 63

FINAL: Chester Frazier hits a layup and ILLINI WIN GOD WE LOVE BASKETBALL NOTHING BETTER THAN MARCH.

:15: Illinois has the ball down by one. We just talked to our dad. There were expletives.

:51: There was 4:30 left when Musberger said, "Illinois starting to take control here." Since then? Penn State 11, Illinois 0. Screw off, Musberger.

LESS THAN A MINUTE TO GO PENN STATE BY ONE WHY DO WE CARE?

2:04: Two free throws gives Penn State the lead. An 11-0 run. Not even Erin Andrews can cheer us up now.

2:10: Illinois misses another shot. Penn State driving. We are now throwing things around the room, regardless.

2:51: We've seen just about enough of this Talor Battle kid; he inspires Randle to foul out and brings Penn State within one. If this is Randle's last collegiate moment, it seems about right: Looking disappointed and fouling out.

3:30: Time out with Illinois up by three. It's all crashing right here.

3:45: Make that a seven-point run. A three-point lead. We're telling you: We've been watching Illinois all season, and this looks AWFULLY familiar. If we weren't already broken down by four months of this, we'd be throwing stuff around the room. Now, we just can't muster the enthusiasm.

4:30: Musberger just said, "Illinois is starting to take control here." And, on cue, here come five straight points from Penn State.

4:52: Shaun Pruitt hit two free throws! Illinois by 10. We're due for an Erin Andrews update on Bruce Weber growing a second penis.

5:54: Taking advantage of the "Penn State Has A Guy Lying Down Hurt On The Other End Of The Floor," McCamey drives and lays it in to give Illinois an eight point lead. And JEFF JORDAN, MICHAEL'S SON is back in the game.

6:40: Trent Meacham drains a three, and Illinois has a seven-point lead. We are far from over. As if to prove it, the slappy white guy for Penn State hits his own, and it's four again.

7:35: We know we're the only one here watching this. Imagine if it were on the Big Ten Network.

8:43: A bad call that goes Illinois' way keeps the Illini with the lead. Oh, and Larry Bird is here, sitting alone in a suite. That guy isn't too happy these days.

9:25: Back to a two-point game. How in the WORLD was Illinois an eight-point favorite in this game?

10:25: Jeff Jordan isn't in the game, but, so you know, he's not Client 10. Thanks for the update!

11:38: Erin Andrews updates us on Randle's injuries, and the reciting of her name causes his spleen to burst. It's OK, Brian; same thing would happen to us.

12:19: Randle is fouled on a layup that gives Illinois a six-point lead. The bad news is that his fibromyalgia is acting up.

12:30: We love it when the ball gets stuck between the rim and the backboard. It's like watching a flipped coin land on its side. It feels like time stops.

13:32: Illinois hasn't scored in almost five minutes, but it ends with a Frazier 3-pointer. He was obviously WIDE open. Illini by four.

14:45: It's a Jeff Jordan sighting! He comes in just in time to watch Penn State come within one. In case you're wondering, Jordan's quick, smart and outstanding on defense. But man: Please don't let him shoot.

15:11: We were wondering why everyone looked so depressed, and then we remembered: They're in Indianapolis!

15:45: Pruitt going to the line before the commercial break. To save us this gruesomeness, Erin Andrews does a report. In addition to being an excellent sideline reporter, she's actually kind of pretty.

17:00: A McCamey three and a Randle jumper give the Illini a five-point lead. A note on McCamey: The guy's very talented and is one of the people Kelvin Sampson got in trouble for calling. (Grrr.) Say what you will about how great Gordon is, but he'll just be around one year. McCamey, who is kind of Gordon's replacement, should hit the whole four. If Indiana doesn't win it all this year, Illinois wins that battle.

(Yes, we're reaching.)

18:45: This game is VERY ominous. As Lavin points out, Illinois has been terrible at three and free throws all year. This game they're hitting both those ... and we're still tied. Ugh.

Second Half

Halftime: That Battle fellow once again drove through three? four? we'll call it six Illini to score at the buzzer. Illinois is up by two and should be up by 10. Alas. Andrews talks to the Penn State coach at halftime, and he looks like every accountant we've ever met.

HALFTIME: Illinois 39, Penn State 37

:41: Lavin just mentioned having a margarita! We'll call that a shoutout!

:41: Taylor Battles weaves through four Illini, and it's a two-point game. Weber quacks a timeout.

1:30: For some reason, seeing "Billy Crystal, 0-1, K," on the ESPN Bottom Line makes us angry. There's no reason for that to be the case, but it is, nevertheless.

1:46: Illinois just had a 5-on-1 break. Amazingly, the Illini scored.

2:25: This game has devolved into the brutal. This is how Illinois has lost all season; playing well enough, but not scoring much, and next thing you know ... the game's tied, and then the other team goes on a run, and then they're down by 10. This reeks of something that's just around the corner.

2:54: Ha. We're not leaving Deadspin. Who says journalism isn't done on blogs?

3:55: For a while, this was a crisp, smoothly played game between two teams playing above their heads. That didn't last long. Illinois by four, and we're not sure a single thing has happened in the last four minutes. This conference should get its own network.

4:45:: Here's your Brian Randle: He makes a great steal, drives all the way down the court ... and travels on the breakaway.

5:55: Now here's a Big Ten game for you: We've gone about three minutes without a basket. A Nittany Lions dunk brings them within four.

6:49: A Jared commercial, followed by Carlos Mencia's multicultural hour. It's gonna get so much worse during the actual tournament too.

7:15: Illinois is 6-for-11 from the 3-point line, and they're only up by six. This does not bode well.

8:12: Erin Andrews is back! She's discussing tendonitis in Chester Frazier's knee. Like listening to butter churn. Or something.

8:45: So here's something we're not used to seeing: After a Chester Frazier free throw, the Illini have a double-digit lead.

9:11: Hey, is that Giuliani?

10:10: Shawn Pruitt hit a free throw! Yowza!

10:25: Promoting their new "Black Magic" show — which looks pretty cool, actually — ESPN shows Charles Oakley in college. It seems bizarre to think of Oakley that young. We imagined him being born the age of 34. And what a painful childbirth that would have been.

10:57: We'll talk a lot about Demetri McCamey today — he hit a three just now, and the Illini are up 20-17 — but our favorite fact is that his high school coach was Gene Pingatore, otherwise known as the Bad Guy in "Hoop Dreams." He was also Isiah Thomas' coach, so we will be following McCamey QUITE closely in coming years.

13:00: This "Jones" fellow for Penn State made a layup and screamed like he was Monica Seles. Imagine how he'll scream when HE gets stabbed. Grrr.

14:15: True story: We once drank three margaritas with analyst Steve Lavin when we lived in LA (and he was still UCLA coach). He was kind of friendly, actually, and allowed us to use his hair as a seasoner.

14:45: Andrews makes her first sideline report, about all the injuries the Nittany Lions have had this year. She plays sympathy well. We love that ESPN calls its biography segments like this, "bio-blasts." That sounds either like a children's treat, or something very painful.

15:15: Musberger just said Illinois was on a "6-3 run. It has been that kind of year. Illini up 13-12 at the 15-minute break.

16:00: Shawn Pruitt lays one in down low to give Illinois a 7-6 lead. Pruitt is like Deon Thomas — god, you non-Illini fans must be LOVING these early-90s references — which is a bad sign, because guys like Deon Thomas, as good as they are, only succeed on bad teams. This Battle fellow for Penn State hits a three to give Penn State a 9-7 lead, and then Stanley Pringle — nice name, dope! — his another one, makes it 12-7..

18:30: Trent Meacham hits a 3-point to give the Illini a 5-2 lead. Meacham is a perfectly serviceable player, but when he's your main scoring option ... you're in trouble ... particularly when he's only starting because Eric Gordon ... oh, let's stop.

19:25: The Illini are wearing their orange jerseys. This used to be just for special occasions; it is a sad commentary on the Illini season that a first-round Big Ten tourney game against Penn State counts as a "special occasion." Randle with a lay-in to kick us off.

20:00: Brian Randle is starting. It's unbelievable that guy played on the Final Four team. No player has been more frustrating to Illini fans than Brian Randle. Can't blame Weber for that guy. He looks cooler when his head is shaved, too.

Still more pregame: Just to be rude, ESPN shows Bruce Weber giving his pregame speech. The man still talks like a duck. It's difficult to be inspired by a duck. We still don't think he should be fired.

Hey! Hi, Erin Andrews! She's wearing a mock turtleneck thing. It must be cold in the ole Canseco Fieldhouse.

More pregame: Sweet! It's Brent Musberger. He's the whippets of broadcasters!

Pregame: Before we start, we'd like to thank MJD over at Yahoo for this gem, a "poetry slam" from an Illini fan against Eric Gordon. Yes. We're all still bitter, unfairly so. We still don't disagree with a single word here:

Traitor, Eric Gordon
You are a disgrace
You chose another school
So I'll throw bricks at your face
I'm mad because we suck
But my anger is not misplaced
I'm going to cut off your head
Because we need something to fill our trophy case

Sure! Go Illini!

"Joe Paterno's on his death bed! And someone needs to find him a casket!" the unidentified yell leader screamed over a microphone, first to gasps and then thunderous boos from the Penn State fans.

Oops. Now everyone's in an uproar, and the cheerleader in question was sent home. I just saw the video, and honestly, the most offensive part was the long, unfunny story leading up to Paterno quote. What was that? Texas A&M, you have just been downgraded to a Community College.

Meanwhile, over at the PennLive message board, we have this: "On a side note, I'm just curious to how any of the PSU alumni and fans feel about the students at your school that dressed up as massacred VT students for Halloween." — AggieDoctor

Yell Leader: Find Paterno A Casket [The Wizard Of Odds]

Generally speaking, we enjoy a good harmless scrum among rival fans, but ... this would seem to cross the line considerably. How far past the line? A Michigan blog is appalled by this. And why wouldn't he be? Any normal human would be.

You Are Total Dicks [The M Zone]

Penn State has notified a Virginia elementary school that it must cease using its cougar logo, because it too closely resembles the Nittany Lion logo used by the university. After all, we can't have a rogue elementary school siphoning off Penn State revenue, now can we? The Collegiate Licensing Company generously allowed Conway to keep two floor mats with the image, and the school will not have to dig up a time capsule stamped with the now-restricted logo. Thank you for your kindness, Dean Wormer.

One has to wonder why Conway didn't grab this opportunity to teach its students a little something about the court of public opinion. Look the Nittany Lion in the eye and tell him to go screw; think Penn State would fight it? Think of the great publicity that would generate. Gloria Allred is already sharpening her talons.

Besides, look at the neck shading in the two logos. Totally different!

Conway Cougar Clawed [Fredricksburg.com]

As we finished up the second weekend of the college football season, we note that still almost no one on the planet has the Big Ten Network, and it doesn't look like there's much hope in sight for anyone who doesn't have DirectTV or The Dish Network. (We repeat: In the age of digital cable, there's no need to have to install a dish. These exclusive deals are the only reason these companies still exist.) Fortunately for anyone who didn't go to a Big Ten school, the Big Ten appears to be terrible this year. Michigan's troubles are well-documented, and even now-prohibitive favorite Wisconsin barely beat UNLV over the weekend. (But hey, how about that Leatherneck shutout!)

Anyway, the Big Ten Network, the one only we care about, is continuing to lobby, and now they're bringing in the big guns: They're bringing in Jared. Yes, the Subway spokesperson showed up at the Penn State game this weekend, as part of a Subway / Big Ten Network promotion. He wore a Penn State jersey the whole game, even though he went to Indiana. He was an even more popular celebrity in Happy Valley over the weekend than alum LaVar Arrington. We still think he could stand to lose a few.

Talkin' Fresh With Jared [Footblog]

In a world in which coaches let players get away with everything, not only did Paterno make his players clean the stadium for their offseason transgressions ... he made them do it twice.

Linebacker Sean Lee came back out and delivered some bad news. "Joe said we didn't do a good enough job," the Upper St. Clair High School product said. "We've got to go back."

The players quickly shuffled off the buses and returned to the stadium to finish up their chores. Mr. Paterno dismissed them about 15 minutes later. The first cleanup assignment was complete, even if the stadium wasn't spotless.

We still imagine JoePa insisting that his players, when they hold up a gas station or something, chopping firewood in his backyard, or perhaps doing some roofing. It helps the community, and it helps us all.

JoePa Is Weird, Old And Awesome [Loser With Socks]

He said he will have his entire team help clean up Beaver Stadium every Sunday after home games this season — a task usually taken on for pay by PSU club sport athletes who use the money to fund their teams. This fall, according to Paterno, they won't have to do it; his guys will. And the money will still funnel to club sport coffers:

"We're all going to do it. Everybody. Not just the kids that were involved. 'Cause we're all in it together. This is a team embarrassment. I wouldn't call it anything much other than that."

We find this idea incredibly charming; we suspect cleaning up Beaver Stadium after a football Saturday is actually a rather grueling endeavor. Let this be a lesson, young players: When you misbehave, you'll find yourself scraping gum off the bottom of the upper tier section before you know it. Oh, and run some laps, whippersnapper.

Paterno Tells Players To Clean Up [PennLive.com]

A "street confrontation" appears to have started the incident, which police say "led to the trespass and assault." A Penn State student who hosted the party told the Centre Daily Times that he denied entrance to several of the players, but then 10 or more appeared and "pushed their way in" and the assaults began. The party host, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told the men to " 'Leave, leave, leave.' They just walked right in. They were pushing people out of the way. These guys were huge. I was being held back in the hallway by some dude who was huge."

He said "two kids" seated on stools at the bar in the apartment's main room "got the worst of it." One was struck on the head with a bottle, he said, and another got a swollen, black-and-blue eye. Another person was kicked in the head as he lay "in the fetal position" on the floor, and two others were punched in the face. He said the intrusion lasted "like three minutes" and then the intruders departed.

Honestly, we really don't see what the big deal is. If a bunch of football players can't head into a random party, start cracking skulls and drinking all the beer ... sheesh, what's the point of being a football player?

Penn State Players Involved In Fracas [The Wizard Of Odds]

Anyway, The Wizard Of Odds has compiled the best college football trucks, and our favorite is this Penn State one. Mainly because it looks like the Penn State mascot has some metamorphized — mutated, probably — into a monstrous 400 foot tall creature bent on destruction. Hopefully someone can find JoePa, to help talk the gargantuan Nittany Lion down. Otherwise, we'll have to call in Mothra.

Best Show On Road [The Wizard Of Odds]
Fortunately, It Was To A National Powerhouse Like Rutgers [Deadspin]

Now, no one likes to get death threats, but the ones sent over e-mail seem sort of non-threatening to me. I mean, if a guy can't even be bothered to go to the trouble of cutting letters out of a magazine and pasting them onto another piece of paper, all the while careful not to get fingerprints anywhere... well, that guy's probably harmless. I don't think there's any need for Penn State to go to the trouble of hiring Kevin Costner to protect Morelli at the Outback Bowl.

Just a word of advice to the overzealous Penn State fans responsible for this: Don't e-mail any death threats to Joe Paterno. Number one, he doesn't use the e-mail or the EBay, and he won't get it. And number two, he really could die at any minute. And then you'd feel bad, and probably go to jail.

Morelli has received death threats [SI.com]

A truly outstanding find from The Wizard Of Odds: Apparently, during the Joe Paterno broken leg game between Penn State and Wisconsin — JoePa's return has been pretty amazing, by the way; the guy's coaching this week — Badgers coach Bret Bielema either discovered a loophole in the controversial new 3-2-5-e rule or just pointed out its ridiculousness. The rule is meant to shorten games by keeping the clock running when it wouldn't ordinarily run — during kickoffs, for example — but as this move shows, it can also make for surreal scene that takes six minutes to run 20 seconds off the clock.

3-2-5-e Loophole Is Exploited [The Wizard Of Odds]

If you haven't seen the "highlight" yet, here's video of Joe Paterno's broken leg accident on Saturday. We are extremely fond of Paterno — we always find him lovable; we want him to read us a story or something — and hope he has a speedy recovery, or as speedy a recovery that a 79-year-old man can have. Penn State officials said he was going over game tapes yesterday to prepare for next week's game, which is even more impressive considering Penn State is playing Temple.

ESPN's Craig James, ever sensitive, referred to Paterno as an "old fart" during the game, which isn't very nice, especially considering ... well ... it just wasn't very nice.

Paterno Breaks Leg, Called "Old Fart" [The 700 Level]

Illinois, despite holding a second half lead, couldn't hold on to beat Penn State today, but if you're an Illini fan, take heart. At least it wasn't your fans in that video.

26-12, you'll forget about in a week. The guy who comes in at about the 1:05 mark and volunteers himself for the Abu Ghraib photoshoot treatment, however, will be shamed forever.

South Bend's Fell Power to Cause Rhythmless Dancing Confirmed [NCAA FanHouse]

He may not have even known what he was getting into, Nicholson. They knock on the door; somebody may knock on the door; a cute girl knocks on the door. What do you do? Geez. I hope thank God they don t knock on my door because I d refer them to a couple of other rooms.

Ignoring the presumed hilarity of Joe Paterno answering the door to his hotel room in the middle of the night — we imagine him wearing an Ichabod Crane stocking cap and pajamas; we can even see him with a lamplight — NOW is calling on Paterno to apologize and resign. Paterno and Penn State have had no comment, nor has former Paterno running back Larry Johnson (pictured with Paterno), who has his own woman problems. We agree that Paterno's comments are somewhat offensive, but we adhere to our Octogenarian Postulate, which states that any coach over the age of 80 is forgiven for offensive comments and, in fact, credited simply for still being alive.

Organization Wants Paterno To Resign NOW [Boston Herald]
FSU Linebacker Accused Of Rape [Deadspin]

And, to revisit our theme from yesterday, we were pleased to see Joe Paterno beat Bobby Bowden, if just because it brings him one win closer to that all-time coaching victory record. In case you didn't remember, when Paterno and Bowden were chasing each other for that record, and Paterno was gaining ground, Bowden petitioned the NCAA for his 28 wins at Samford from 1959-62 to be counted towards his Division-I record. His petition was accepted, because Paterno's not the type of guy to fight it, and now he has the record. We really can't stand Bobby Bowden. Sorry. We're just piling on now.

Orange You Glad It's Finally Over [The Sports Blog]
Orange Bowl: A Contrast In Coaches [Deadspin]

Forgive us, however, if we think Bowden benefits more from this comparison than Paterno does. Despite Paterno's occasional accusations of anti-lesbian views, Bowden's history of bringing in athletes of questionable character and rampant megalomania drops him out of JoePa's class, in our opinion. Plus, a reader with "intimate knowledge of the participants" sends us this story:

Philanthropy is apparently not the Bowdens' thing. On a recent Nike cruise (Nike takes all of the college football coaches on a yearly vacation), [Texas coach] Mack Brown and his wife were chatting with the Paternos. Having just signed his new, lucrative contract, Mack was inquiring of the Paternos how they went about deciding how to donate to the university (Penn State's library is named after the Paternos for both their giving and their fundraising efforts). As they explained how they decided which department to donate to, notorious shopper Ann Bowden [Bobby's wife] cut in....."Don't give to the university. We made them, they didn't make us. They don't deserve a penny." I guess she'd rather spend her money filling up their three houses with more expensive junk.

That's enough to make us want to root for Penn State. Though there's always the possibility of Jenn Sterger sideline shots. That's something.

Pairing Of Coaches Makes OB An Instant Classic [Miami Herald]

We're getting a little tired of commenting on these stories, so we're gonna let two of our favorite blogs take care of this for us:

Off Wing Opinion: "You know there's no way Paterno is going to be let off easy. When I found this story on the front page of ESPN.com, the hyperlink read, "Paterno links black athletes to increased scoring." And that's a quote that doesn't even apear in the ESPN.com account of Paterno's Big Ten Conference call. When will the insanity end?"
The Mighty MJD: "Even if it could be determined that Joe Paterno is a huge racist, it's understandable. When slaves were actually being brought to America, and Joe was in his early 30s, he was forced to actually sail one of the ships to and from Africa. Difficult circumstances for the guy to overcome."

So, now that everybody's clear on this: The game of football is different with black players than it was before there were black players. Got it.

Now In The Cross Hairs, Joe Paterno [Off Wing Opinion]
Crazy Old Bastards Imitating One Another [The Mighty MJD]

A reader writes in to cut Penn State monument Joe Paterno a little slack ... and has some real fun with noted anti-lesbian coach Rene Portland:

Actually, what's ironic about the Rene Portland thing is that the big rumor on campus is that she herself is gay. Self-hater, perhaps? And in 2000 or 2001, the student newspaper accidentally published a joke to that effect — a writer had put in a false quote about Portland saying that she likes being around young women because they "munch her box." None of the editors caught the joke, and it was published.

And no, JoePa is not homophobic. Republican, yes, but not homophobic. If you ever get a chance to talk to him, he's actually very socially liberal — one of the first coaches with an all Black backfield, etc. So while his affiliation with the Bush family (and Rene Portland) may call his views on homosexuality into question, I can assure you that he's far from discriminatory.

We still can't believe that this is the third time in two days we've typed the words "Joe Paterno" and "lesbians" in the same post.

EARLIER: Does JoePa Hate Lesbians Too? [Deadspin]

Turns out we might have been wrong. Women's Hoops Blog sets us straight by detailing the relationship between women's hoops coach Rene Portland and Paterno, a man who has protected her against homophobia criticism and may, in fact, share her beliefs more than he lets on. Portland, despite her rather clear stance that she won't have lesbians on her team, has escaped censure, many say, because no one can take her on without taking on the beloved Joe Pa.

We find this sad — we have a soft spot for elderly, fragile football coaches — and not terribly shocking. Check out the Women's Hoops Blog post for all the juicy details.

History Of Rene Portland [Women's Hoops Blog]