To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write wrote a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approveapproved comments around here, and the fellow to whom you shouldshould have address addressed any comment account requests,and he will where he used to explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on.

So here's this week's column that deals with some major changes that will make you tear out your hair and rend your garments.

I began my role of Deadspin commenting intern back in November 2006. Five months later, I started my comment ombudsman column and have found new ways to annoy you fortnightly since then. You've put up with my constant nagging about fantasy teams, Martin Lawrence, and my deep-seated dislike of college football and, for the most part, you listened to me. Deadspin commenters are still the best and funniest commenters in the entire sportsblogosphere, so I don't think my nagging did any permanent damage to your collective reputation.

Unfortunately, this will be my final combudsman column. As of today, I am resigning from the office of deadtern and moving on to a world where I can no longer add or delete commenters at a humorous and wildly influential sports blog. Before I leave, I'd like to take this opportunity to beseech the commenters to stop doing something that has stuck in my craw since the day I started. Please, stop commenting when you don't have something funny to say.

Seriously, some of you post boring and shitty comments. Stop it. Right now. Be funny, and don't be unfunny. That's the number one rule of Deadspin, and some of you are shitting all over the rule and, thereby, shitting all over Deadspin's reputation. Stop it! Stop being conversational. Stop using the same old hack jokes. Stop being unfunny!

Okay, sorry. That wasn't meant for all of you, just the select few who give me the red ass. With that out of the way, I'd like to thank Will Leitch for hiring me and A.J. Daulerio for keeping me on board during the transition of power. I'd also like to salute the three folks who I consider to be the Best Commenters in Deadspin History. In no particular order:

• 
  
• Suss—: Long before he became the resident liveblogger, Matt Sussman was a solid master of puns. Oh, who am I kidding? He's still consistently popping out puns in the comment section.
• 
  
• Christmas Ape: You know him now as Mike Tunison, but at one point, Christmas Ape was winning comment threads with his hilarity and amassing +1's with regularity. Unfortunately, his comment contributions have dried up a bit of late. Come back to the five-and-dime, Christmas Ape.
• 
  
• Camp Tiger Claw: I enjoyed his work so much I started a blog with him. Kris Liakos is a comic genius and his best work will always live on in the comment section of Deadspin.
• 
  

If 99% of the commenters could be 1% as funny as these three hooligans, I could walk away from this job feeling confident that I did it well. Thanks, everyone, for doing your best and being kind.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that digs up the bloated corpse of rejected commenters to parade them around for the entertainment of the masses.

Part of my job is to page through the pending comments that folks who want to become commenters leave on this here website. It's a pain, but I do it because I love Deadspin and I love making people sad. Once again, I've taken some of the worst comments that I've rejected and culled them for your enjoyment, because I know how much you folks love to laugh at the pain of others. Pull up your office swivel chairs and join me in some schadenfreude!

Remember when our own associate editor and puppy enthusiast Rick Chandler questioned the veracity of MMA fighter Lloyd Irvin's claims that he fought off armed burglars with his bare hands? Pending commenter FidelityCacharpa wasn't pleased with Rick:

Rick Chambers, you're a giant coward, how about you call him and ask him yourself? Or better yet, come to the academy in person and ask him yourself, man to man. I use the term "man" loosely in regards to you, however.

Oh, my mistake. He wasn't attacking our Rick Chandler, he was going after someone named Rick Chambers. Now I feel bad for banning you, person who probably was a spam commenter anyway!

Sometimes, we here at Deadspin incur the wrath of Barbaro fans, mostly because former editor Will Leitch thrived on the blood of fallen horses and couldn't stop laughing at the pain of horse lovers. And who can blame him, those animal activists are lunatics. Even worse, however, are people who ingest a bucket of PCP before trying to post. Just take a peek at pending commenter Jennifromtheblock's contribution:

We want a Board...We want a forum...What better place than Deadspin. Sorry Barbaro, no pun intended. TTHHAATS OOOKKHHAAY>III JJJUUSSST WWAANT TTO RRREESST IIN PPPEEAACCE MMMYY LLEG IISSS KKKIILLLIINNG ME. Or, maybe it was just his "Friends" that made him want to give up the ghost...

Yikes. Next time, lay off the angel dust and then try again.

Hey, remember that post back in September about the soccer mom who was packing heat at her 5-year-old's game? Well pending commenter AngelaDufie was none too pleased with our coverage.

Amazing how childish the comments here are. Not to take away from the boorish game of slinging insuts but I thought the adults may appreciate some facts and pertinent commentary... 1) It is well established that "open carry" is legal in Pa. Supreme court has clarified that several times. Also the court records that show "open carry" is not grounds for revocation of a persons license. 2) The sheriff has ignored the law and is using the abusing the authority of his office to make a personal "statement" (his own admission in the article today) by inappropriately revoking her license.

Angela then prattles on about more legal mumbo jumbo and even cites local ordinance codes an...zzzzzzzz. Also, there's nothing "childish" about a good comedy pyramid about guns and Capri Sun. Folks, if you've got a political agenda, I hear www dot I have some boring things to say dot com is looking for commenters.

Finally, here's your quarterly dosage of Philadelphia hatred, in honor of our beloved World Champion Phillies, from the desk of rejected commenter EdandHerman:

Sorry Buddy. I hate to break the news to you. Everybody hates Philadelphia. Ben Franklin would rather shove his Electric Kite up his keyhole than sit through any Philly pro sports game.

Yep, these are my rejected commenters.

These commenters, however, were smart enough to avoid being rejected because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Excessive World Series Celebrations in Philadelphia

Doyle McPoyle: Not the bus shelter! Lenny Dykstra lives in there!

Re: Chris Berman's McCain/Obama MNF Interviews

jussstabitoutside: Both Berman and McCain went to the Gene Keady School of Combovers.

Re: The Rangers' Dead Hockey Player Problem

MattinglysSideburns: Dany Heatley checks in the mail everyday for that new best friend Gary Bettman promised to send him.

And of course, into every life a little tinkle must fall. Here's a couple of folks who pissed me off enough to have their commenting privileges seriously abated:

Say Goodbye To: ClintonPortishead

Why: Attempting to make a dirty Erin Andrews joke but coming up short when insinuating that folks would still be drinking pinot grigio wine from 2001. C'mon! Everyone knows you don't age white wine that long.

Temporarily Say Goodbye To: jmuskratt

Why: Being overly sensitive about race on a post that had nothing to do with race without making any hilarious jokes. Now serving a five-day suspension so he can read the post before commenting.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that further breaks down the changes in comments.

Okay, I must admit that I've been reading Deadspin posts using the 'Classic View' for the past two weeks and missing out on the newest change to the way comments are presented to you, the reader. The good folks at Gawker Tech have finally figured out a way to reward our best commenters and to hopefully make the threads a bit easier to digest. Let's explore the changes together.

First off, every comment you see will be collapsed unless it meets one of the four following criteria:

1. It was made recently.
2. It has been replied to.
3. It was made by one of your 'friends'.
4. It was made by a starred commenter.

Yes, all you struggling new commenters now have a new hurdle to overcome in your quest to become the next Weed Against Speed. After a short period of time, your comments will automatically be collapsed, not unlike Carson Palmer's elbow ligament.

If you enjoy the work of a certain commenter and want to always see his or her comments expanded, click that little heart by their name and you'll be Deadspin 'friends'. It's just like being Facebook friends except without all that pesky poking.

Of course, all of these changes will only take effect if you have 'threaded view' selected in the status bar between the post and the comments. If you go to 'classic view', you'll have all comments and replies expanded, albeit without the clever re-organization that the threaded view allows.

We've got a bunch of starred commenters here at Deadspin so you'll always see their witty comments expanded. In the past, folks earned stars by having a certain number of 'friends'. From this point forward, the only way you can earn a star is to be awarded one by me. Those of you who already have earned your stars by the old method will retain them for the near future. However, if you get banned from Deadspin and are allowed back in thanks to my utter graciousness and forgiving ways, your star is gone forever.

Speaking of getting banned, let's get rid of some of the ranks of the unfunny:

Say Goodbye To: Jubar

Why: Questioning the categorization of Deadspin posts.

Say Goodbye To: NoBackhands

Why: Making an "Eric Lindros is gay" joke that is far more offensive for its poor grammar and punctuation than the homophobia.

Say Goodbye To: Lunatic Fringe

Why: A cryptic joke that baffled me with its misspelling and hackish political leaning.

And where would we be without just one Comment of the Fortnight:

Re: Joba Chamberlain's strip club taunter

VanBurenBoy: Shouldn't Joba be used to guys from Boston kicking him off his land?

Hilarious AND historically accurate!

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that explores the new commenting system here at Deadspin.

Seems as though the Gawker Tech folks change things up around here more frequently than I change my NFL allegiances. True, I was once a 49ers fan, moved over to the Giants after Tiki Barber was drafted, and then switched to the Eagles last year to make certain relationships in my life easier. No problem, I'm a devoted baseball fan anyway and this football thing is just a lark. Don't judge me. But for the HTML wizards at Gawker to go ahead and keep fiddling with our precious commenting system has proven to be a real turd in our comedy punchbowl.

After the most recent update, comments are now displayed in two forms: threaded view and classic view. Classic view is for those of you who prefer the post-October 2006 version that split each commenting page into 100 comment buckets. To the best of my knowledge, once you click "classic view" down there between the blog entry and the comments, Deadspin will stay "classic view" for the remainder of your browsing session.

Threaded view is the new way to read comment replies and it actually makes comedy pyramids easier to follow. Replies will now be nested underneath the original comment but are hidden; they can be revealed by clicking on the plus sign to the right of the replies. Or if you're the adventurous type, click "expand all" at the top of the comment section and prepare yourself for a waterfall of hilarity. In threaded view, only 20 comments are shown per page but that number doesn't include replies; any comment can contain an unlimited number of replies.

Other new features include the ability to sort comments by oldest first or newest first. If you're one of those people who prefer to read things backwards, or if you are just Dexter Manley, your time has come. You can also sort comments by most popular. That's a great way to find the most replied-to comments which, hopefully, are the best series of jokes but most likely conversations between Yostal and Jerkwheat on DU!AN.

Any problems with these changes? send me an email and I will choose to either address your issues or berate you. Take your chances, folks.

These folks took their chances and succeeded on the comedic level, as they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: O.J. Simpson's shocking acquittal

Paul Zuvella: Well, all those "2-0" t-shirts he had printed up can now go to the kids in Africa and Guatemala.

Re: Evander Holyfield getting back into the boxing ring

Gourmet Spud: The only competition Evander is fit for these days is a debating competition with Emmitt Smith.

Re: Rays fans getting bikini waxes for the team

Weed Against Speed: Speaking of which, how stupid do all of those Milwaukee Brewers fans feel now that got Prince Alberts in honor of Prince Fielder?

With the good comes the bad. Time for our bi-weekly executions. Put your sayonara hats on, folks.

Say Goodbye To: LogicalNegativist

Why: Disrespecting the concept of blockquotes. It's okay to miss Will but it's not okay to attack the entire concept of sportsblogging.

Say Goodbye To: Bill Pearly Gates

Why: Peculiar racism.

Say Goodbye To: Edsall is God

Why: A continuous history of trolling our website.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that rehashes some of the most important combudsmanly rules.

It's been fifteen months since I wrote the sports blogosphere's premiere column railing against idle fantasy sports chatter, and yet people still email me every week asking me to issue a ban against such practices. In a perfect Deadspin commenting world, we wouldn't have to put up with fantasy football owners complaining that Peyton Manning didn't throw enough touchdown passes or wondering why Troy Brown wasn't getting them any receiving yards. But as long as lunatic legal hijinks like this going on, it isn't a perfect world. So don't be afraid to fight back against these offenders! Nobody cares about your fantasy team!

Actually, we get new commenters every day and maybe the time has come to revisit some of my most important combudsman columns. If you've read 'em before, consider this to be a sort of re-education. If you're new here, consider this to be gospel. Yes, I'm taking the sportsblogger's easy way out. I'm doing a listicle:

The Five Habits of Highly Rejected Commenters:

• Nobody Cares That You Can't See This Video: Welcome to the World Wide Web, folks. It has multimedia capabilities now and that includes embedded videos on Deadspin. Can't see videos behind your workplace's firewall? Wait until you get home to watch it instead of groaning about your inability to enjoy it.
• You Threadjackin' It?: For crying out loud, if you are going to threadjack a post with breaking news, make sure it hasn't already been broken. And don't have extended conversations about the 'jack.
• Wah Wah This Column Is Too Long: Yes, Big Daddy Drew writes 8,000-word screeds about masturbation. He gets paid to do exactly that, and people eat it up. Don't complain.
• No There Is No Love For Your Favorite Team: This one has fallen by the wayside as the various Closers have disappeared in A.J. Daulerio's Reign of Blogging. Still, I liked it.
• This Joke Was Funnier Five Minutes Ago: So simple to understand, yet so difficult in practice. Don't repeat jokes. Cripes almighty, be original.

There you have it. Follow these five rules and you'll help eliminate the poor unfunny comments from Deadspin and increase your chances of winning Comment of the Fortnight, like these clever folks:

Re: Syracuse's anachronistic Ernie Davis statue

Stev D: Also, he shouldn't be twittering from his iphone.

Re: Sadsack Patriots fans booing their team

SlantedAndDisenchanted: This is like when people turned on President Bush so soon after he won 9-11.

Re: Matt Millen getting shitcanned

RugDaniels: The hard part will be going home to tell Webster and Ma'am that he lost his job.

These folks, however, have seen their last days of commenting privileges wiped away with the eraser of execution:

Say Goodbye To: IBleedOrange

Why: General dickitude without any apparent basis in hilarity.

Say Goodbye To: Top Of A New Morning!

Why: Using the blink tag and claiming false copyright.

Say Goodbye To: Oragamo

Why: Making a "First!" comment and then regenerating to do it again and again and again. If I find out who you are, I will rip your heart out and eat it with a 2003 Barolo.

KOGOD informed me that it "looks...uh...gay in a totally cool way" which isn't much of a ringing endorsement, but it'll suffice. Luckily, the genius crew at Lifehacker has a very helpful guide to the new system. Including basics like "What is Threaded Commenting?"

Threading is a way to make comments read more like conversations instead of a bunch of disconnected single replies. Now, when someone says something interesting enough to get replies from other readers, all those replies will appear directly below the original comment. Each of these blocks is called a "thread"—kind of like in Gmail.

The first comment in a thread will have a few distinguishing features, among them, the number of replies in the thread along with the time of the most recent reply.

See? Helpful? No?

Fine. Anyway, there is a "classic" button which will let you enjoy your commenting abilities as usual without all the threading and stuff. (I think.)

If you do have any comments about the new system, the invaluable Rob Iracane has volunteered his email address to make note of your welcome opinions. He is at : commentguru@deadspin.com

Threaded comments now at Lifehacker [Lifehacker]

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that shows the power Deadspin commenters have to stop boring comments.

Rejoice, dear reader! Deadspin is officially a happier and funnier place to enjoy dick jokes about idiot sportscasters and ridiculous athletes. Two weeks ago, our best and brightest commenters got together and voted out (at my request) one of the most typically boring commenting memes (as chosen by user Phil Mickelsons Man Tits.) I'm pleased to announce that the following commenting crutch will no longer be permitted in the comments section of Deadspin posts:

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #1: "I know there's a joke in here about X and Y, but I just can't find it."

Why: This commenting meme is the calling card for the uncreative. There are obviously two steps to making a joke: recognizing the subject and figuring out the execution. If you're not going to take the time to figure out the execution, don't make the joke.

I scanned your 266 comments and tallied the votes using a very scientific method. About half of you wanted to see this meme disappear; I'm glad to say that any future use of this unfortunate statement will result in execution. The third meme up for a vote (something > something else > some other thing that sounds similar) also garnered a fair share of votes. It's not going to be explicitly forbidden as a meme, but remember that I don't like it and your fellow commenters don't like it.

After all, it's not fun for me to be the resident executioner around here. I'm not eliminating commenters to satisfy my own bloodthirst. No, I'm doing it because our readers and commenters alike want to read our comment section and see funny and original jokes! Consider me your benevolent tyrant who weeds out the miscreants for the benefit of the common good, if you must. Direct your vitriol at my name and continue to send your electronic missives my way. But remember: when you make a bad comment, you're making everyone sad, not just your friendly neighborhood Combudsman.

These commenters, however, made us happy with the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Michael Jordan's cancer sticks

WanderingBear: Fuck off, American Cancer Society. Lou Gehrig is still responsible for more deaths than any other professional athlete, ever.

Re: Ryan Leaf wisely investing sponsorship earnings

BobStoopsPleatedPants: Are Nike and Pepsi paying Leaf to appear in ads for Reebok and Coke?

Re: The inevitable Trojan blowout over OSU

Weed Against Speed: An Inevitable Trojan Blowout is also how Matt Leinart became a daddy.

Re: Francisco Rodriguez' assault on the single season save record

Artie Fufkin: I think it's racist that people don't want Bobby Thigpen's record to be broken.

Just one commenter execution this week as we'll see longtime commenter and one-time Wake Forest football preview writer KazMatsuisAnalFissure hang up his commenting hat for some shameless and unfunny misogyny. Note: if you're going to be a sexist dick, at least make an effort to make a joke.

To keep the comments as fresh and outstanding as they've been up to this point, Commenting Guru Rob Iracane will write a bi-weekly Comment Ombudsman column. It runs every other week. This is that week.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column that gives you, the commenter, a chance to fight back.

With one tidy, premeditated motion, one anonymous commenter said more about the state of Deadspin comments than I have in my entire reign of combudsman. When commenter Phil Mickelsons Man Tits posted his four theses to the door of Afternoon Blogdome, he set off a flurry of responses and caused me to rethink the way I've been selecting topics for my columns. Mr. Man Tits isolated four different memes that he feels are crutches used by weak and unfunny commenters. He feels that these memes indicate a total lack of originality and just clutter Deadspin with "a Mad-Libs version of commenting".

I agree with Mr. Man Tits; these four memes are worthless and I would like to extinguish them all. Still, I don't want to overwhelm the commenteriat with too many new rules when we're still having trouble with Rule Number One (Be funny and don't be unfunny). So thanks to enormous popular demand, I've decided to put the four memes up for a vote by you, the commenters. Please read through Phil Mickelsons Man Tits' Four Units of Cultural Diffusion and decide which one you would like to see eliminated forever. Post a comment to vote.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #1: "I know there's a joke in here about X and Y, but I just can't find it."

Why: This commenting meme is the calling card for the uncreative. There are obviously two steps to making a joke: recognizing the subject and figuring out the execution. If you're not going to take the time to figure out the execution, don't make the joke.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #2: Corny joke, or lame pun followed by "/Shows Self Out."

Why: It almost seems as though including the disclaimer "shows self out" precludes me from executing anyone who makes any horrible comment. No more. If you vote for this meme, I will start killing people off who ask for it.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #3: "X>Y>Z." For example: In a post about the Olympic Hammer Throw, somebody will undoubtedly submit a comment like, "Hammer Time > Hammer Toes > Hammer Head Shark > Hammer Throw."

Why: This practice has become extremely tiresome. No, this isn't like building a comedy pyramid. Comedy pyramids require actual thought and joke-making, whereas this meme simply requires the commenter to think of words that sound alike. "Hey, these two things have the same word or words in their names! I'm a dumb yokel!" Absolutely worthless.

Unit of Cultural Diffusion #4: Use of the backslash to indicate a quote, and turning that citation into a verb.

Why: If you are going to allude to a movie or song or historical figure with a quote, don't pander to the readers by telling us who said it or what movie it came from. Deadspinners are smart enough to figure that shit out if they don't already know. Be confident with your joke even if you're not 100% sure that everyone is going to get it. Don't be afraid to take risks!

Please read Phil Mickelsons Man Tits' comment again because he does a far better job of describing these memes in greater detail. Pick the one that irritates you the most, and vote below in the commenting section.

These commenters, will never be voted off the island because they've made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Auburn's College Football preview

Arkansas Fred: "I prefer Rep'Bill Pascrell and SecyoftheTreasury'Henry Paulson to Sen'Derrick Marks."

Re: The Olympic gold medal soccer match

Chuck Knoblockhead: "The Nigerians played well, but in the end it looks like things fell apart."

Re: The Redeem Team's place in history

Artie Fufkin: "I think the Redeem Team could beat the Dream Team. Because the Dream is fucking old and has AIDs."

Of course, to even things out a bit, here are your bi-weekly executions:

Say Goodbye To: TheLastTemptationOf Weiss

Why: Sullying the good name of Michael Phelps with a "First" comment

Say Goodbye To: muggsybogues

Why: Questioning the necessity of posting 'marginal' Philadelphia news on a website written and edited by a Phillies fan. Really, if you're a Mets fan and you've got a problem with the occasional remaindered link in which AJ posts Philly news (in a self-deprecating manner, nonetheless), go start your own sports blog and fill it with marginal Mets news. You can call it "Metsplosion of Metiocrity".

Serving a three-day suspension: MattMillenFanClub

Why: Talking about fantasy hockey on my combudsman post. Yikes, what a misstep.

Mr. Iracane, co-proprietor of the brilliant Walkoff Walk , is also the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about that odd little "disemvoweling" feature.

Ever since I've been empowered with the ability to execute commenters, I've noticed that this power is both a blessing and a curse. Yes, I can get rid of some of the unfunny individuals who seek to wreak havoc on Deadspin's best posts with their inane dullness and I can banish the hyper-offensive jerkoffs to the land of Supermikes, but what to do with your typical Deadspin commenter who makes a single misstep with a rude comment? We wouldn't want someone with an otherwise excellent commenting history to be banned right away because he or she made one idiotic comment, would we?

Luckily, I've been blessed with a new power, not unlike the time Rafael Palmeiro realized he could hit a baseball 25 feet further if he injected horse steroids into his trasero. It's called "disemvoweling" and it’s a gift from the good people at the Gawker Media Technical and Cosmetology Institute. By simply clicking a little button, I will be able to remove all of the vowels from any offending comment, rendering it nearly unreadable and slightly less distasteful. Look, I disemvoweled one of my own comments (for demonstrative purposes only…I never make distasteful comments).

So what should you do if one of your comments gets disemvoweled? Simple: get back on the funny train and don’t be a jackass anymore. I’ll disemvowel only the worst ill-mannered comments as a warning shot but I will ban the person who continues to offend our sensibilities after the first disemvoweling.

These commenters, however, piss excellence with their bon mots and have made the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe’s Guitar Hero Skills

Doyle McPoyle: "That's nothing, you should see Kevin Everett on Dance Dance Revolution."

Re: The Olympic Rings Shaved Into Dirk Nowitzki’s Noggin

Angry Honky: "Everybody's got this all wrong. It isn't a haircut at all. For the past 7 years, Dirk has been used as a nightstand by the Spurs and they put their championship rings on his head when they go to bed. They've been doing it for so long that the rings have worn impressions in his scalp.And yes, I realize that means all the Spurs sleep in the same bed. That was Ginobili's idea."

Re: Sean Salisbury Taking a Back Seat to Emmitt Smith

ChilledoutEntertainer: Finally someone who can feel my pain. I've been workin the night shift for 3 years now at the Omaha NB Wendy's , and in comes Eric Crouch, and OF COURSE he gets the prime daytime shifts. its so unfair, and all because of his name.

And to satisfy your bloodthirst, here are your bi-weekly executions:

Say Goodbye To: superHookie

Why: Having the gall to post links to trite websites

Say Goodbye To: BallsStateExplorer

Why: Making a hack comment that expresses distaste at fantasy football on a post about fantasy football

Say Goodbye To: DaOtter

Why: Pointing out that the information Rick shared with us in a remaindered link had already been discussed three times by commenters earlier in the day. SORRY YOU DIDN’T GET PROPERLY CITED, DAOTTER.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on.

This week, he takes on the Hit By Pitch column, the subsequent comments, and chops off a few commenter heads for good measure.

Last week, Mr. Daulerio posted a remaindered link to a short essay attacking sexism by asshole sports fans. The piece was written by 'Tracy,' a female sportsblogger at Hit By a Pitch who is offended by the horridly sexist, nasty, and downright rude comments about Erin Andrews and other female public
figures on sports blogs. She actually singles out our own Deadspin and its notorious commenters:

That said, there's one place where the sports assholes come out in droves and it drives me batshit insane every freaking time I see it. It's a land where you'll see Asshole Stupidus in its natural environment, taking a gigantic dump on women and human decency. It's the land of the Deadspin commenters.

Well, I'm glad that Tracy recognizes us for our talents of being rude and outlandish. We're glad to be the only source of assholery that she ever encounters on a daily basis. It's good to know that NOWHERE else on the Internet or in real life does Tracy EVER encounter people being not-so-nice. Colorado must be a wonderful, halcyon garden of acceptance and wholesome living! I hope she recognizes my sarcasm because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Tracy then fires off a list of selected comments that she finds offensive. There are a lot of them. Heck, they're pretty awful, both in their lack of couth AND their lack of humor. Yet nowhere in her screed does Tracy call us out for being unfunny. I don't think she understands the number one rule of Deadspin: be funny, don't be unfunny. A few of those offensive comments are terribly unfunny! Why didn't Tracy say anything about that? Deadspin is not a place to come discuss sports with lofty airs and great intellectual pursuits. It's a place to make dick jokes and build comedy pyramids!

Yes, comments unfortunately descend into offensiveness sometimes: sexism, racism, homophobia, what have you, but compared to other major sports blogs, they're fewer and far between. Deadspin is actually a polite place! It's just so huge that it becomes a target for people like Tracy, or Buzz Bissinger, or pantsless Michael Wilbon whenever they want to jump on a soapbox and disparage the 'current state of Internet assholery'.

Their focus is too narrow, though. They don't see it for the big picture. It's not about trying to not offend people like Tracy, it's about trying to be funny. Heck, Tracy totally misses a reference to the Broadway musical A Chorus Line when she includes this comment about the young Patriots cheerleader by the always funny Clare:

Dance 10, looks 3.

Tracy didn't get the reference. She's a chick who digs sports, not musicals. But that was one of the funny comments that wasn't even rude! Hey, I'm a guy who likes sports and musical theater but I try to not criticize comments when I don't get the joke. So Deadspin commenters, I give you this challenge: if you're going to be crude or uncouth in your comments about half-naked girls or guys, be clever and be funny and don't be afraid to quote A Chorus Line.

These commenters, of course, are never afraid to reveal what they did for love for they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

•Re: Tim Tebow won't do Playboy

Artie Fufkin:

"Ironically, Chris Leak delivered my Playboy yesterday afternoon."

•Re: Leitch's thumbs down iPhone app review

Sh!tShow:

"Great article. Tune in next week, when Will plans on gracing us with, 'Why Is My Gold Wallet Too Small For My Hundreds?'or, 'Diamond Shoes: Do They Have To Be So Gosh Darn Tight?'"

•Re: Linda Cohn's poor trade deadline coverage

OutSports Reader:

"And seriously who is running the style department at ESPN? Linda hasn't worn a fashionable ladysuit since '96 and Amy K. Nelson looks like an Atlantic City sweat pants whore."

Shame, of course, that this week's Executed Commenters simply can't do that:

Say Goodbye To: Topofthemorning

Why: TOTM's habit of posting non-sequitur photos was funny for a while, until he posted this elegant homage to Charles Barkley.

Say Goodbye To: Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

Why: Making the unfortunate mistake of being the 238th person to compare Unsilent Majority to Bill Simmons.

Hey, the first 237 are still alive!

Say Goodbye To: WadeCounty

Why: Being uncool enough to use the word "cool" in all caps.

So here's this week's column, on proper commenting relative to photos, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

Let me get this right out in the open: new Deadspin editor A.J. Daulerio has granted me the ability to execute commenters, and I am going to take quick advantage of this ability. Mr. Daulerio does not hide behind a folksy, aw-shucks Midwestern sensibility. Rather, he has embraced the dark, cutthroat side of sportsblogging that permits the public humiliation of one's readers. The good news is that I'll be a little more lenient in letting in new commenters, so if you want an invite, send me an e-mail or go ahead and audition below to become a commenter.

Also, my sword will no longer be silent and I will broadcast the news to everyone once you have been killed off. Don't let the Gawker Media technical issues that bewilder us on a regular basis worry you too much; if you have trouble logging in, that doesn't necessarily mean your commenting privileges have been taken away. In fact, if you make duplicate comments about not being able to sign in because of some mythical hamster, I will not just ban you from commenting, I will track you down and slice your Achilles. If you have been banned, your personal page will show it like on the page of this recently executed
character.

On the other hand, the bad news is that my sword, not unlike the fabled Sword of Damocles, is hanging over each and every one of your heads. Yes, that means both superstar commenter Gourmet Spud and non-sequitur spewing UpstateUnderdog could both see their ability to share bon mots disappear at any moment. This won't necessarily put you out of commission permanently (I may have mercy on your soul if you are a good boy and repent) so consider it to be more of a detention.

Still, if you follow the rules and remember to be funny, you're not going to be executed any time soon. In fact, these commenters have received a week-long free pass since they made the Comments of the
Fortnight:

•Re: Baseball
announcer Joe Buck losing interest in baseball

Weed
Against Speed: I know how he feels. I barely do any accounting work and when I do, it's not as special as it used to be.

•Re: href="http://deadspin.com/5019915/a-love-letter-to-the-deadspinners">Leitch's
love letter to the Deadspinlets

ArkansasFred: The closest I've come to a Deadspin relationship is Stev D trying to drop GHB into my Budweiser.

•Re: Scott
Van Pelt's voicemail roast of Leitch

Suss—:
Craig Kilborn left a message on my cell phone, but I am already content with my long distance plan.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on the new YouTube-in-comments feature, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

——————————-

Gawker Media pater familias Nick Denton recently had the Gawker Tech folks enable a video-embedding feature in our comment section, and then he blogged about it. It seems as if you can simply copy and paste a YouTube link directly into the comment box and the video clip will show up when your comment is published. What a brilliant application of technology! Videos embedded in comments! This certainly will not lead to absolute anarchy and irritate the combudsman or those readers who share the combudsman's sense of aesthetics!

Believe it or not, your faithful combuddy endorses this practice! There are many hilarious and/or poignant videos on the tubes that would be completely relevant to some of the posts on Deadspin. Sometimes, Will gives us a pertinent clip in the main section of his blogpost, but sometimes, it's up to us as the commenteriat to help him out with an appropriate (or occasionally inappropriate) video. Commenter CardinalRedOctober gives us a good example of proper usage in the Greg Gumbel Media Approval Ratings post, as he directs us to a clip of a sentimental Gumbel tearing up after the final NFC game broadcast by CBS. Gold star!

Still, I urge other commenters to take pause before embedding a YouTube clip in a comment: does this relate at all to the topic? If not, is it at least the funniest video in Deadspin history? If the answer is still no, then please, just make a standard dick joke.

I am glad, however, to let my column today serve as a sort of training ground and rehearsal space for both appropriate and inappropriate uses of this new commenting feature. Consider it a sacrifice. And for those of you who cannot see YouTube videos because of the filtering software at your place of business or education, I still don't care.

I do care deeply, however, for those commenters who provided us with the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: The Pro Bowl fan with a bag of Jello shots
ArkansasFred: Jello shot guy's colostomy bag full of mudslides is even more unsettling.

Re: Spielberg Pulling Out of Olympic Ceremonies
UkraineNotWeak: This is a rarity. A Jew turning down Chinese.

Re: The Disturbing Image of the Thrashers' Mascot
Camp Tiger Claw: This looks like that time I fucked Phyllis Diller.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about how to appropriately comment on Closers, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

———————————-

I had an Abraham Simpson moment recently. I sat down and started writing a letter to Will:

Dear Mr. Editor, There are too many closers nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Having three consecutive closers that early in the morning, I thought, led to a general malaise amongst commenters and didn't quite prepare us to be funny for the afternoon onslaught of crazy videos and wacky news stories. Yes, some of us like the NBA and some of us enjoy college basketball and the really insane among us want their own special place to comment about the NHL, but all too often, the discussions become rote "my team is better'n your team" arguments or ridiculous "no love for my favorite team" questions. Before I licked the envelope, however, I paused to think: What if all these closers actually provided us with a chance to be funny and we're just fucking it up?

How can I scientifically check to see if the closers are being funny? I needed to count the jokes, so I sat down and analyzed all three of the major closers (Hirshey and his footie closer got a pass; I couldn't figure out what was a joke and what was a shameless book plug) and found that the joke-per-sentence ratio actually equaled the joke-per-sentence ratio in almost every other Deadspin post over the past three months. They're setting us up with a chance to be funny!

Will only hires the best of the best bloggers to write the daily closers; we've seen a steady rotation of excellent writers telling us what happened last night in the NBA, NHL and college basketball. And soon, Associate Editor Rick will once again grace us with tiger attack references in his MLB closer.

So let's follow their lead and build some comedy pyramids. If the College Basketball Closer makes a joke comparing Eddie Sutton to Count Chocula, then let's hear some jokes comparing Tubby Smith to Boo Berry. We don't need to hear that your favorite cereal is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That's just a dry, humorless statement unless you add the comedy milk. If the NBA Closer doesn't mention the Memphis-Toronto game, don't tell us the score and express your joy about the Raptors' win. Make up a funny Chris Bosh abuses children joke or something. If the NHL Closer goes past 1500 words ... well ... you're on your own with that one.

I tore up that letter to Will. Was it because I finally appreciated all the humor inside these closers? Maybe. Was it because I trust that our comments will be funny from here on out? Possibly. Was it because I ran out of stamps? Definitely. These folks, however, never run out of postage because their jokes got delivered as the Comments of the Fortnight:

Re: Kool Aid sneakers
Suss—: If you ever get in a fistfight with the Kool-Aid man, the best hiding place is to jump inside him.

Re: Larry Johnson's expensive watch
Sh!tshow: "What time is LJ?" "It's Trade Me to a Contender O'Clock."

Re: Committing to the racist stereotype
KarenUhOh: And I just spent twelve dollars learning to walk like an Egyptian.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on proper commenting relative to photos, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

——————————-

Sometimes, Will and Rick (and our many closers) deign to grace a blog post with a notably hilarious photo. I'm not talking about the times when the picture IS the blog post, but rather, the times when the photo is relevant to the accompanying story. Certain personalities make news rather frequently and their faces will show up in odd ways, paired with odd folks. We, as commenters, have no choice but to attack these photos with fervor. But please, this is Deadspin, and the number one rule is to be funny.

Captioning a picture can be great. Hey, Gawker is even using the concept as a vehicle to harness the collective power of the commenter. For a recent example, let's look at a comment by perpetual r.o.y. about Amare Stoudamire's latest attempt at business casual attire. Oh, I get it. But there are other ways to make jokes using the photo, some good, some shitty. Lend me your ear and follow my rules:

First and foremost, identifying lookalikes in the background of photos is hack. It's not even a joke! This may be hard for our Minnesotan commenters to hear, but not every black man in America is Martin Lawrence. Why isn't this practice funny? Think about it: do I come to your place of business and tell you that the co-worker in the next cubicle looks like Sandra Bullock or that your boss looks like a tall version of Jason Alexander? No, because nobody cares that I have the ability to match regular quotidian faces to those of celebrities. I also have no idea where you work.

On the other hand, the "has really let one's self go" meme is a commenting crutch that even I use because it can still be amusing. You just have to pick your spots and choose the right celebrity. "But Rob, you just told me not to identify lookalikes!". True, but if you make us laugh, you can break any combudsman code you want. Remember, rule #1 of Deadspin is "be funny".

Somebody told me last year that LOLcats would be so over by 2008. Well, somebody was wrong because we're almost a week into 2008 and the LOLcat meme keeps getting funnier. How can they be used on Deadspin? Well, just a couple weeks ago, commenter neckbeardedclam gave us this gem on a Woody Paige item. It's true, he's very hungry!

These commenters, however, didn't leave me hungry because their Comments of the Fortnight filled me up with hilarity:

Re: Chris Jessie grabs a loose fumble
Dany Heatley Speedwagon: I thought Radio was black?

Re: Zhang Bin's Wife and Her Wacky Accusations
ProtectYourNeckBeard: Eating crow won't be too much of a hassle for her. I hear it's a delicacy.

Re: Kansas' citrus-y victory
Weed Against Speed: It that's what oranges looked like, we would all have scurvy.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on comment memes our combudsman would like to see go away, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

————————————-

I've been combudsmanning around these parts for nearly eight months and deadterning for just over a year. What have I learned?

Commenters are simultaneously the funniest part and the most frustrating part of Deadspin. No worries: out of all the people who audition for comments, the unfunny ones can sometimes amuse me just as much as the funny ones. As for those of you who are already approved, I've been laying down rules and regulations all year long, so to fully get in the holiday spirit, here's more! I give you the top ten commenting memes of 2007 that I'd like to see dead in 2008.

These items are irritating enough to stick in my craw but not really column-worthy on their own accord. That being said, I'm not putting an outright ban on these memes. Feel free to keep firing away your comments related to these topics as long as you understand how much it gives me the red ass. Here we go, in no particular order:

1. Tim Hardaway Hates Gay People: We get it. A male is acting effeminately. Tim Hardaway hates gay people. Move on.
2. Bill Simmons Has Gotten, Like, So Bad: You may not agree with everything he writes but telling everyone that he's a hack is just...hack.
3. People Telling Us What To Listen To On Satellite Radio: I admit it, I do this too sometimes but XM's baseball coverage is by far superior to Sirius' football programming. (Also, Ron and Fez, noon to three)
4. Duke-bashing: We as sports fans can hate whomever we want, but as Deadspin commenters, we are encouraged to be creative in our antagonism. Duke-bashing, like Boston-bashing, has become trite.
5. Referring to Posts as 'Threads': This isn't some koffee klatch email between hausfraus about all the adorable things your children do. It's a blog post and we make funny comments. Well, most of us do.
6. A-Rod/Jeter/Anyone is Gay: I blame the hilarious Dugout for this meme, but really, sports fans have been jeering their enemies for years by calling them 'fags' or 'queers'. Bad news, folks: Derek Jeter is straight (and dreamy!) Save your homophobic slings for the real gays, like John Amaechi or Brady Quinn.
7. The Underpants Gnomes Bit: (1) Hack Comment (2) .... (3) Make Rob sad.
8. Complaining About Being Fired After AJ Posts Salacious Pictures: Although I suppose this won't be a problem anymore now that Daulerio is about to retire the Oddsmaker column. Is that what happens when you run out of column ideas? Hm...
9. Baiting Supermike: He's the commenter everyone loves to hate and secretly hates to love. He's smart, funny, and quick with the reply. But when poked with a stick, he becomes ornery and risks getting banned for the twelfth time. Please don't make me ban him again. I like having a foil.
10. Kige Ramsey: 'Nuff said.

This has been Rob Iracane for Deadspin sports. If you want me to have a happy new year, remember this list in 2008 and stay away from the crap.

These commenters, however, never bring us crap because they are My Favorite Commenters of the Year:

• Camp Tiger Claw: He had a streak of hilarity reminiscent of Christmas Ape in 2006.
• ArkansasFred: He is filthy-mouthed and roots for Philly teams, and I don't think that's a coincidence.
• Suss—: Yes, he's an employee of Gawker Media and a man of many blog-hats, but he remains one of the most consistent commenters since day one. Kudos!

  Folks, who are your favorite commenters?

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on repeating jokes, is after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

I inherited two interesting traits from my ancestors, both of which I've been desperately trying to reverse over the past few years. The first trait is an urge to interrupt someone telling a story by telling my own story that somehow relates to the topic at hand. I am often so anxious to relate a hilarious anecdote that I stop listening to the person talking to me and wait for him to take a breath so I can start yapping. It's usually not a big problem, though, since most people just aren't very interesting anyway.

The second trait is a unconscious disposition to tell my friends stories that I've already told them multiple times. After the third or fourth telling, my Gawker Stalker moment with Josie Bissett loses its luster. Yes, the oral tradition of my Italian forebears has passed down through the generations; the only difference between them and me is that I use 50% less hand gestures and speak 50 percent better broken English. Still, I have important things to say and I expect that you pay attention to me.

What does this have to do with commenting on Deadspin? First off, we must stop making jokes that have already been made. I realize that we've been adding up to 100 comments on each post and I don't expect everyone to read every single one, unless you are going to jump into the conversation and add your own. Nothing gets my goat more than reading a hilarious joke at the beginning of the comments and then seeing the exact same joke two pages down and ten minutes later. Yuck! Excuse me for sounding like your tenth grade driving instructor, but commenting is a privilege and not a right, and that privilege can be taken away from you at any time, especially if you drink a gallon of margaritas and stay up until 4 a.m. talking to yourself in the Up All Night post (right, Skeets?). Read the comments. Savor them like a 15-year-old glass of scotch.

Sometimes, however, you'll make a similar joke at the exact moment as someone else, and both comments will appear at the same time. How cute! You two are twinnies! Jinx! Someone owes someone else a beer! But you don't need to post another comment telling us how disappointed you are that you weren't first with that hilarious quip. You got beat fair and square and you lost your chance to win Commenter of the Fortnight, as opposed to the fine folks below:

Re:Dog bites cornerback
Tuffy: Once an Alabama police dog, always an Alabama police dog.

Re:Devil Rays' new nautical stadium plans
Doyle_McPoyle: Not to be outdone, the Mets new stadium will fully collapse every September.

Re:Devil Rays' new nautical stadium plans
Gourmet Spud: Not since Vanity Smurf have I seen a bluer flame.

Also, every single pun that Suss made.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, which fully explains the whole "friend" commenting stuff our Gawker friends have brought us ... after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

————————————-

Will, Rick, and the weekend daddies may be the ones who sign their names to the posts around here, but we know who really brings the magic: Supermike. No, I'm kidding of course; it's every commenter except Supermike who make Deadspin run as smoothly as Brian Westbrook through the Redskins' secondary. But if you're like me and you want to follow Supermike's every move, you are in luck! Yes, it's finally true: you can now follow your favorite commenters and see their most hilarious retorts, even on the front page of Deadspin!

Here's how: First, log in using your comment ID and password in the boxes at the top of the page. If you don't have an ID already, click the "new user" to sign up. Once you're logged in, click on your comment ID displayed at the top of the page where it says "welcome." This leads to your commenting home page, and along with updating your picture and screen name here, you can see all your comments, clipped posts and view your current friends and followers.

How do you get friends? Well, it's just like real life. When you see a commenter you'd like to befriend, click the little plus icon next to their name. You've got a friend! And your new friend has a new follower: YOU! Like I said, it's just like real life. Next time I'm out at my local watering hole, I'm going to try pressing someone's "plus" icon if I'm feeling a bit lonely. Hopefully I won't get punched in the face.

Now that you have friends and/or followers, how can you use this to your advantage? Well, you'll be able to read your friends' comments right on the front page of Deadspin, interspersed with Will's usual posts about Barbaro or YouTube videos with wacky pratfalls. You'll see your friends' comments from other Gawker Mediaís blogs, too, so you can follow all the wacky stuff Unsilent Majority says over at Fleshbot.

The only thing more fun than adding a friend is breaking up with one. If you want to ditch someone because they've become about as boring as a Dolphins game, just click the "x" next to their commenter name. (Again, just like real life.) They'll disappear faster than the Lions' postseason plans. I'm putting as many professional football similes in this column as the Redskins blow late leads.

Finally, if you want to totally take this social networking thing to the nth degree, click on someone's commenter name, check out their profile page, and leave them some hilarious feedback. Look, I just did it right this very minute! Ferreals! If you have any problems with this awesome new technology, send an email to commentguru AT Deadspin DOT com so I can compare your inadequacy to that of the Cincinnati Bengals.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, about the prevalence of your favorite team in the morning closers ... after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

—————————————-

With the triumphant return of Rick's NBA Closer and the unexpectedly stellar debut of the NHL Closer, we commenters are treated to a daily helping of selected game recaps from around the two major professional indoor sports. Say what you will about games played in arenas (and the less creative ones among you still can't stop saying "hoc-key?") but for people like me who don't watch "SportsCenter," these two Daily Closers keep me abreast of these non-football, non-baseball sports. Still, I check the Knicks score every morning because they are my favorite NBA team. If Rick doesn't write about them, it's no skin off my back. I probably wasted two hours the night before watching them lose. Why then would I compose a bitchy comment asking why there is no love for my favorite team?

Yes, I'm talking about you, Mr. These-Five-Game-Recaps-Are-Not-Enough-For-Me. (potential commenter name alert!) I understand that you have devoted your life to following a particular group of gentlemen who all happen to wear the same outfit to work, and I salute you for purchasing a replica of said work garment. We all have our preferred franchises; that is what makes Deadspin a general sports blog and not a team-specific blog (even taking into account the extra Buzzsaw coverage). You may think comment readers want to know how fantastically well Player A performed for Team B, or how amazingly clutch Team C is now under Coach D, but really, you're not following the most important rule of Deadspin commenting: be funny, and do not not be funny. We get it. Your team is great. Move on.

On a personal note, my skin literally crawls and I get a horrendous case of douche chills every time I see a comment that begins with the words "no love for?" In fact, I'm not sure which concept offends me more: complaining about a lack of coverage for one's team of choice, or the actual phrase "no love for." Cliches are difficult to get past when commenting; I've had to give 110%, bring my A-game and be more consistent just to avoid them. If we could get rid of this one, however, it's one step towards commenting perfection.

These commenters take us three more steps further with their Comments of the Fortnight:

• Re: Eric Lindros' farewell
strangeffect: according to wikipedia, the Flyers management essentially tried to kill him. Then again, wikipedia also says I'm a 9 foot tall pterodactyl.

• Re: Troy Williamson's lack of paycheck
Big Daddy Drew: A funeral is about the only thing Williamson can catch these days.

• Re: Ricky Williams' yoga class
Matt_T: Sure Ricky may know the downward facing dog, but Vick can teach him the electrocuting the shit out of a dog.

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, on what it means to be "banned" ... after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

————————————

As the official Deadspin commenting intern-slash-guru-slash-ombudsman, I get to read both unpublished comments and emails from the folks who are submitting them. Ideally, everyone would get a chance to make hilarious comments on our Web site; unfortunately, most of what I read in the unpublished queue is not quite on par with the witty repartee that our regular commenters contribute on a daily basis. That's quite a damning statement, too, because some of our regular commenters are not exactly Woody Allen circa 1965 in the humor department.

Still, if you want to become a Deadspin commenter and you have no idea what you're doing, go read this FAQ and then come back and read some of these hints:

• If you are trying to post comments and notice that your account has suddenly been "banned," that does not mean you have been naughty. It means you were not accepted as a commenter, and your comments have been deleted. Unfortunately, the very button I use to ban Supermike is also used to delete auditioning commenters. You'll get an awful red X over your avatar on your profile page, thus bringing great shame to your ancestors. Sucks, right? No worries: just create a new account and try again. Who is going to stop you? Not me.
• If you email me and miraculously find yourself in my good graces, I will send you an official invite link. Use that link to create a brand new active commenting account; you can skip the auditioning process. If that invite link doesn't work, email me right away and I'll ignore you for 36 hours and then send you a new one. Easy peasy!
• Still having technical difficulties? Can't upload an avatar? Don't email Will. The 'tips' email address exists for one reason and one reason alone: pictures of girls peeing in stadium bleachers. Remember this email address: commentguru@deadspin.com, for all your commenting-related inquiries.

  I've said the word 'comment' so much, the word has lost all meaning. These folks, however, mean the world to me because they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

• Re: Eric Schnupp's "going problem"
  Sheepblog: How many Schnuppbucks will it take him to get out of jail?
• Re: Larry King's asploded head
  Dread: Guess you guys aren't old enough to know what the aftermath of a prostate exam looks like.
• Re: Colorado's World Series ticket sale fiasco
  Christmas Ape: The Rockies' team charter says to admit two of every animal.
• Re: The worst video game athlete in history
  
• Barry Lutz: I created a player named Adolf Hitler in NCAA Football '99. He was pretty bad. Terrific wide receiver, but very bad person.
  

Mr. Iracane is the guy who approves and deletes comments around here, and the fellow to whom you should address any comment account requests, and he will explore issues involved in commenting, what makes a great comment thread, what's working, what isn't, answer your questions, so on. We want the place to continue to be as much fun as it is every day, and it's not an execution thread like our friends at Gawker do. We like to be inclusive here, because if we're not, we'd be forced to rely on our own wit and knowledge, and that's a scary thought indeed.

So here's this week's column, featuring Rejected Commenter Theater ... after the jump. Of course, don't be afraid to let him have it in the comments.

———————————-

In an effort to educate those of you who wish to become commenters, to entertain those of you who are already commenters and possibly to offend everyone in the process, I give you Rejected Commenter Theatre. Every day, tens upon tens of Deadspin readers audition to become commenters. My job as combudsman is to sift through these pending comments and separate the hilarious wheat from the tedious chaff. Today, I will present that chaff and attempt to reveal my reasons for rejecting it. Let's go!

From Unsilent Majority's recap of the huge Stanford upset over USC, pending commenter BrokenPlayScramble gives us this gem:

If losing at home when you're a 40 point favorite is cool, consider me senator Larry Craig.

I don't get the joke; it reads like a mixed metaphor to me. Unless BrokenPlayScramble is actually United States Senator Larry Craig, in which case I feel bad for snubbing such an esteemed congresscritter.

From the story of Jacksonville U's backup running back planting weed in the starting tailback's dorm room, pending commenter Anthony_C has this witty remark:

This kid really took the low road on this one. I dont understand why he would plant the weed on his rival and then confess to doing it. Doesnt that defeat the purpose. Maybe he can be a starter on the prison team. If you havent checked out REDACTED WEB ADDRESS give it a try. I'm loving it!

I'm still trying to figure out if Anthony_C is a real live human being or a spammy commenting robot that speaks in sentence fragments. Note: If you are a real human being and you want to suggest a website, make sure it's either relevant to the post or high quality free pornography.

From Will's quick Illinois celebration leftover, pending commenter TideDruid deigns to grace us with this outburst:

Aw heck, I can't resistÖ B-A-M-A, Bama all the way!

Next time, resist that urge. Feel free to root for whoever you want, wear your heart on your sleeve, and don't let me stop you from supporting your team of choice, but if you want to comment at Deadspin, give us something funny. Also, I prefer Auburn.

From the Chris Henry's stolen rental car post, pending commenter BengalsFan says:

OKA, NOW AS MUCH AS DIS MITE HURT BUT YU GUYS ARE LAME YU HAVE NO LIFE LEAVE CHRIS HENRY!!!! LIVE YO LIFE HOP OFF OKA!!!!!!!!!LOZERS ^_^

and then follows up with these words of wisdom:

YU ARE LAME HE IZNT A THEIF I DON LIKE YOUR DUMB COMMENTS

This happens from time to time. Weeks after a post appears on Deadspin, someone stumbles upon it and does their best impersonation of an AOL commenter. This was one of those moments. I have no advice for you, BengalsFan. I'm only posting your comment for laughs.

Finally, I'd like to spotlight someone who I rejected based solely on his or her commenter name of choice, SuckItIcarane. I ain't got no quarrel with people who want to take a jab at me, but can you at least spell my goddamned name right?

These folks not only know how to spell, they made the Comments of the Fortnight:

• Re: Rockies fans tinkling in the bleachers
Decided Schematic Advantage: Piss Cam > Kiss Cam

• Re: Brad Miller's shiny new cornrows
Camp Tiger Claw: It's the most efficient way to find the lice.

• Re: Indians Vs. Yankees Playoff Pants Party
MitchKayak: In Cleveland, Joba would be considered a model.