Here's the thing: Messing with the Rocky statue isn't that big of a deal. Besides some moronic old-fashioned South Philly stunods, most people who don't still live in rowhomes with plastic covered couches think this monstrosity needs to be destroyed anyway. I like Stallone, I like the movies, but that stupid cast-iron piece of pop art dogshit lost its sentimental appeal about 20 years ago and is more of a blemish for the city than anything else.

Honestly, the only people who would be really pissed off by this idiotic attempt at disrespect at this point are the Balkans. So, enjoy that war with Serbia — you might have a shot at victory over them.

Canadiens Desecrate Rocky Statue [The 700 Level]

Yesterday, Sylvester Stallone plead guilty in an Australian court to HGH importation and testosterone possession, and he's now awaiting sentencing. He also gave one of those "I'm sorry, but I didn't really do anything wrong, swear!" press releases that are all the rage these days. He claims he was taking the drugs for a "legitimate medical condition." We believe this condition is called "aging."

Stallone isn't likely to serve any jail time, which is probably a good thing. Our scrappy underdog, Rocky Balboa, convicted of steroids. Sometimes the world is too funny.

Stallone Sorry For His New Black Eye [Steroid Nation]
Rocky Throws In The Towel [Steroid Nation]

The hormone is officially considered a performance-enhancing drug in Australia and it cannot be imported without a permit from the government. The maximum penalty for bringing it into Australia illegally is a fine of $86,000 and five years in prison. Stallone is unlikely to face the maximum penalty.

You know, at this rate, if Stallone can keep up this pace of HGH usage, in 10 years, we're gonna have Rocky VII, with Rocky taking one punch to his elephantine cranium and his brain spilling out all over the canvas. And then he'll pick it up, place it back in and win yet another battle for America.

Oh No, Rocky's Down [Steroid Nation]
It's The Needle Of The Tiger [Deadspin]

[Sylvester Stallone] had originally been stopped by Customs officers on Saturday night after "prohibited" substances - believed to be a type of human growth hormone - were found in luggage at Sydney airport. The investigation was stepped up last night after the visit to his Sydney hotel room at 3pm (AEDT)yielded further evidence relating to the investigation over the importation of illegal substances.

Yesterday, a senior Customs source said the investigation was fast-tracked after occupants of Stallone's room at the five-star Park Hyatt Hotel were seen throwing items out of the window... It was rumoured Stallone may have been carrying bodybuilding drugs, banned in Australia.

We think the possibility that Rocky Balboa was on steroids as fitting a statement on the current sports planet as we can imagine.

Update On Rocky's Steroids [Steroid Nation]

Schuler noted that sometimes movies with violent themes, which are popular with gang members, cause trouble at theaters. Schuler did not believe any such movies were playing Monday night.

At the AMC Ford City Theater, 7600 S. Cicero Ave., for instance, the movies being shown Monday night included "Dreamgirls," "The Pursuit of Happyness," "Rocky Balboa" and "The Nativity Story."

Nope, nothing violent about "Rocky Balboa." I mean, other than two guys punching each other, doing exactly what people were arrested for doing right after walking out of the theater.

Fights Break Out At Chicago Movie Theaters [NBC-5 Chicago]

We promise this will be our last Rocky Balboa post of the week, but it does open today, and it has even gathered some excellent reviews. So we can't help but point you in the direction of Chowdaheads, which has helpfully put together a linear compendium of all Rocky's fights in YouTube form. We showcase Clubber Lang's successful title challenge in Rocky III here, if just because our prediction is pain.

Rocky Fights [Chowdaheads]

With the movie opening Wednesday, we solicited the opinion of Pete Croatto, a professional film critic and an early viewer of the film. That's right: It's time for movie reviews on Deadspin. We're not gonna make a habit of this, but jeez, it's Rocky, you know? We're all going or near home for the holidays, will want an excuse to get away from the people unfortunate enough to look like us and will do anything to get out of the house. So, is Rocky Balboa worth it or not?

So, to Mr. Croatto. He is a senior critic at filmcritic.com and a member of the Online Film Critics Society. He also writes columns on movies for Primetime A&E and The Ellenville (NY) Journal. And his review is after the jump.

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How bad are the golden years of a professional fighter? (Especially the champions.) George Foreman is shilling brake pads and versatile, healthy grills, and he's a shining example. If Lennox Lewis doesn't lose his cultured British accent, he'll take the throne within 10 years. There's not much competition.

Though revered, Muhammad Ali, is now a shell of himself because of Parkinson's Disease. As of last December, Leon Spinks, who beat Ali, was making $5.15/hr. on the weekends cleaning the floors of a YMCA in Columbus, NE. Evander Holyfield, 44, with health problems galore, is now fighting insurance salesmen. At least, he's not like Mike Tyson, who's sparring with Tom Jones and God knows who else (Elton John, perhaps?) in some sort of Las Vegas embarrassment that overfed, badly dressed tourists will surely enjoy.

Very few high profile fighters see happy endings, including Rocky Balboa. OK, he's fictional, but the movies of Philadelphia's finest follow a pattern very similar to that of those boxers. In short, beginning brilliance gives way to a bad ending. The first Rocky (1976) was a crowd pleaser that was less a blockbuster than an engaging story of a loser getting a shot at immortality. It's an Academy Award winner and a pop culture milestone. Fourteen years later, came Rocky V, a movie so bad that I've blocked it out along with most of my junior high memories from around that time.

The public had also grown tired of the movies. Behold the plummet at the box office. Rocky IV (1985) made $127.9 million, while its sequel made a paltry $40.9 million. It was a rough ending for a once glorious movie franchise, but at least it would end. Sylvester Stallone was 44 in 1990, and for movies that always pushed the implausible factor that was one obstacle the imagination couldn't conquer.

Of course, the fact that Rocky Balboa, the last of the Rocky six-pack, is opening this Wednesday shouldn't come as a shock. Fighters overstay their welcome all the time. It's just another reason that taken as a whole, the Rocky series is more realistic than we realize ... except that the final movie is actually good. Believe it or not, Rocky Balboa is compelling and exciting, a stirring ode to a past champion's last grasp for greatness. Watch it and you'll understand why Holyfield keeps coming back, though I'm still puzzled about "Dancing with the Stars."

The movie brings us once again to the gritty streets of Philadelphia, where Rocky is a living legend who doesn't do much living. His beloved wife Adrian has died, drowning him in painful memories, while his businessman son (Milo Ventimiglia) resents living in the old man's shadow. Rocky's restaurant, named Adrian's, is another stop on the fighter's boulevard of broken dreams, where he poses for photos and rehashes the glory days with his patrons. Meanwhile, the current champ, Mason "the Line" Dixon (Antonio Tarver, the man who knocked out Roy Jones, Jr.) is as despised as Balboa is loved, heartlessly dispatching mediocre opponents and displaying a public demeanor that is best described as "Bonds-like."

Leave it to ESPN to bring the two men together. A network special stages a cyber fight between an in his prime Rocky and Dixon, with the old champion beating the new one. Even the panel of boxing experts, including Bert Sugar and his ever-present Untouchables hat, agrees with the decision. (Another reason to possibly hate Skip Bayless: He disagrees.) The fake fight gets Rocky thinking about fighting for real. Dixon's managers, eager to generate some good publicity and revenue for their prickly star, arrange for a fight, a "glorified exhibition," between the two men. Much to almost everyone's chagrin, Rocky agrees to the fight. "If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth," Rocky says. "But you gotta be willing to take the hit."

For Rocky getting back in the ring is a matter or pride, but it's also a way to say goodbye to the past once and for all, and that's what gives the movie resonance. He wants to do this one thing for himself regardless of the embarrassment or the odds, setting the foundation for what Bill Simmons refers to as "chill scenes." One is the extended training scene, when Rocky, in order to build "horse power," punches slabs of meat, throws barrels, and nails chins ups with the ease of nodding. It's a tremendous scene because we feel Rocky's urgency, even if we've run up the steps before.

There's less gimmick here. The fight is just one step in Rocky rebuilding his life. He meets a world-weary bartender (Geraldine Hughes), and some might construe his attempts to win his way into his and her son's life as awkward, but it's appropriate given their circumstances and his grieving for Adrian; additional kudos to the casting directors for not going the tomato route in casting Hughes, who looks and acts like a real person. Rocky's rough relationship with his son convincingly shows how sons can't possibly be their dads, especially if they've walloped Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang.

A lot of conflict is resolved before the fight, making Rocky's return to the ring a little anticlimactic. But it's still exciting because it's well-filmed, features a guy we're behind and it's a perfect representation of what we'd like boxing to be: two guys slugging it out for pride, no cinching, and Don King nowhere in sight. It'd be nice if Stallone, handling directing and writing duties here, held back on the pretentious Raging Bull B&W photography, but there's very little to complain about here. A storied boxer finally bows out with dignity, and Stallone can focus on Rambo IV.

I don't even know where to begin with that one. Grade: B.

AJ Daulerio's Cultural Oddsmaker runs every Friday. Email him and let him know what you think.

Like the rest of the world, when I heard about a year ago that Rocky 6 was in production and was actually going to happen, there was an uncontrollable eye roll. This was as desperate an attempt for an aging actor to recapture something long gone and had absolutely no shot at adding anything more to an already stale franchise. Had Stallone not seen Airplane: The Sequel, when they had the movie poster for Rocky 12 with a withered old man holding up his gloves? He's embracing the punch line. This is going to be awful.

Then as the YouTube videos began to leak, it became apparent that this was no longer a joke. Essentially, this movie is as close to reality as any of the films can get. Just like Rocky Balboa has no business stepping into the ring with a haymaker-throwing younger opponent, Sylvester Stallone has no business re-beefing himself for the sake of sentimental lore.

Or does he?

Once the previews started to filter out on television, my stifled laughter began to turn to eager anticipation: that ominous kettledrum intro, that melodramatic "You can't do this!" dialogue and the snippets of ring footage of that aging, puffy-eyed hero stepping into another skull-shattering roundhouse. It didn't make me wince with embarrassment — it actually moved me. Then it became apparent that, shit, maybe Stallone's a genius. Now, I'm hooked and giddy with anticipation as Wednesday draws closer and closer.

To put me into even more of a frenzied state, I contacted A.J. Benza, former Oddjack employee, Howard Stern exile and, most incredibly, Rocky Balboa costar to get his thoughts on the matter. Considering that Benza's a blood-and-guts dago, I found it a little alarming that he has to play Mason Dixon's manager in this movie. A villain, no less, which is blasphemy for an Italian. How could he possibly root against Rocky?

"To be in the ring while 3,000 chanted his name and I had to act like I couldn't give a shit ... that was almost impossible. Being in this flick, to me, is as important as signing the Declaration of Independence."

Take that, liberty! We've learned to things from this statement: 1) This movie will probably rule for all of the right reasons and 2) A.J. Benza was one of the founding fathers. Who knew?

So, greaseballs of the world unite. Our time is near and our savior from South Philadelphia has returned to rejuvenate us once again just in time for the holidays. In celebration of this glorious week ahead, I'm placing odds on Rocky Balboa's triumphant return. Getupyousonuvabtich...

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Over/Under on Grown Men Crying At Points During Film: 20

Here's a fun fact: Two sports movies I consistently cry at are Rudy and, um, A League of Their Own. Ah, shut it. When Betty Spaghetti's husband dies it's one of the most tragic things ever shown on film. I may have no testicles. Let's move along, now.

Anyway, I'm bracing myself. Can you imagine if, gasp, Rocky actually dies? Christ. I might have to be taken out of the theater on a stretcher.

Grown Men Punching Each Other As Film Lets Out: 1/40

Eddie Murphy pretty much nailed that stereotype when he did that whole "Way to go, Rocko!" routine in Raw. I remember after, walking out of the Eric 4 Feasterville (R.I.P.) on Thanksgiving Day after Rocky IV, being introduced to the "man tackle" by a pack of older jean-jacked gentleman who kept running into each other and trying to knock one another over.

Me: Dad, are those guys fighting?
Dad: No, son, they're just happy and inspired.

Then he punched me in the face. It's infectious.

Over/Under on Percentage of Theater Cheering at More Than One Point During the Movie: 92 Percent

If you're going into this movie expecting anything less than cornball earnestness, well, you might as well not go. If you're going into this movie expecting, well, Rocky Fucking Balboa, then it will easily be one of the top five movie experiences of your life. Honestly, when was the last time you've been in a movie that people clapped? (And if it was Snakes on a Plane, well, pity.) For me, it was Swordfish when Halle Berry went topless. Place went apeshit.

Over/Under on Number of Male Moviegoers Who Will Join a Gym After Watching Movie: 98 Percent

It's one thing to see, say, Ryan Reynolds get all shredded up for Blade III, and then being inspired to go do something about your growing paunch and your atrophying muscle tone. It's another thing all together to see a 60-year-old man doing beer keg lunges and looking better than you. Shouldn't happen. Sure, Stallone's still got the manatee-with-muscles type look about him, but I'm certain there'll be plenty of Weeble-shaped 40-year-olds that finally start using that Crunch membership before it expires at the end of the year. Be prepared to see your elliptical machines taken over by a lot of guys that look like Steven Schirripa.

Rocky Balboa Will Beat We Are Marshall at The Box Office: 3/1

Professional oddsmaking organizations like BetUs.Com have this at a very expensive 1/20 right now. I don't know if they're shorting Rocky or just really, really hate Matthew McConaughey. Now, if I remember correctly, the three kids that survived the Marshall crash ate the frozen cadavers of their dead teammates, right?

We Are!

(Photos from The Rocky Balboa Blog)

Sure, Stallone isn't a kid anymore, but, all told, we wouldn't mind looking like that when we're 60 years old (which Stallone will be in April). You wanna make fun of him? Take a gander at what his old pal Arnold Schwarzennegger is looking like these days.

We're still unclear of the plot of the new movie, though we know Antonio Tarver is playing someone named "Mason Dixon." We were discussing the movie with some friends this weekend, though, and, if this isn't too Simmons of us, we had an idea. We think it should be like Rocky IV, except instead of a Russian foe, it should be a fundamentalist Muslim. (Think a 76 percent less racist Glass Tiger.) At the end, when Rocky wins, he gives the exact same speech he did at the end of that movie, except it's broadcast over Al-Jazeera. World peace results.

Hey, like it's any less realistic than a 60-year-old man fighting.

Rocky Balboa Blog [Sony Pictures]
Arnold Vs. Rocky [The700Level]
Antonio Tarver Bio [StarBoxing]