Also, ironically, McNamee bristles at Clemens' "rat" insinuation and proves his loyalty to his former superstar client by letting him know that he "will hop on a plane, find you, and slap you very hard" if Clemens even worries about his trainer turncoating. Oh, and Clemens calls the writer of the LA Times piece a "dushbag" and signs all of his e-mails "22."

The correspondence was included as an exhibit to a federal court filing made yesterday by McNamee's lawyers. Another filing shows the syringe submitted to the court will definitey have Roger Clemens' DNA on it.

Oh, why can't these two dushbags just kiss and make up?

Roger Clemens Can't Spell [The Smoking Gun]
Filing claim syringes will test positive for Clemens' DNA [ESPN]

According to Page Six, Clemens has sold his prized Bentley convertible to Poison lead singer and reality tv whore-monger Bret Michaels in order to get some much needed cash.

"Bret is a big fan of Roger's and the car is fabulous," said an insider. "Clemens is apparently selling his lavish goods to pay his legal fees." Michaels was overheard gushing about his new ride Friday at the House of Blues in Atlantic City.

Later that night, Michaels went back to his hotel room, only to later be awoken by three gun-toting thugs who beat him unconscious, robbed him, and drug him through the streets of Atlantic City and left for dead on the boardwalk.

Used-Car Dealer [Page Six]

According to the Daily News, a "source" close to the Yanks' clubhouse alleges that Clemens used to keep the popular shlong stiffeners in a GNC vitamin bottle inside his locker. And Clemens isn't the only one. BALCO fink Victor Conte tells the DN that all of his athletes took it (included in his stable were Giambi, Bonds and Marion Jones) because of the pill's performance-enhancing powers.

The trend of athletes V-popping is so bad that World Anti-Doping Agency is apparently looking into if the possibility of putting Viagra on the list of banned substances in athletics.

Sadly, Rafael Palmeiro, one-time Viagra pitchman and baseball pariah, has yet to be quoted anywhere in this story. This whole thing probably doesn't do anything to help his own Hall of Fame chances.

Source: Roger Clemens, host of athletes pop viagra to help onfield performance [NYDN]

The Daily News has been dutifully trotting out Clemens' lifestyle contradictions for the past month, revealing to the world that not only has Clemens apparently been unfaithful, but that he also has a taste for the shit-kicker cougar-type.

The Feds have already talked to a raft of people willing to yammer about Clemens' alleged steroid abuse including "several women "involved with Clemens, Kelly Blair, Houston-area gym owner, Shaun Kelley, the owner of a Houston weight-loss center and.... Jose Canseco, Atlantic City pugilist.

Still, after all of this overload, it's still rather mind-blowing that there's a good chance that both the greatest pitcher in our lifetime and the greatest hitter in our lifetime could very well be in prison within the next couple years. Ask Marion Jones how serious the Feds are about this perjury thing.

Roger Clemens' Mistress Interviewed By The FBI [New York Daily News]

Anti-depressant poster girl and Roger Clemens Lolita Mindy McCready is showing she's still willing to steamroll ahead with her country singin' comeback regardless of the big white Rocket-shaped elephant that sits in her living room. McCready posted this YouTube message in an effort to let her remaining fans know that she's still the same ol' gal who's just a victim of circumstance.

This video, more than anything else, proves that this is a country in which anyone can still have the opportunity for success even if they're equipped with a startling lack of self-awareness.

Mindy McCready Thanks Fans, Releases A New Song [People.com]

Mindy McCready's Confessions Haven't Translated Into Album Sales Yet [Deadspin]

Today, an article by Sam Cook in the Fort Myers News-Press tracks down McCready's roommate, who says that, yes, she remembers the two meeting, flirting, and McCready going back to Roger's hotel room extremely late, but the two did not have sex. Oh, and McCready was apparently 17 at the time, which does punch holes in the DN's original story, but doesn't exactly make it that much less salacious.

It's yet to be seen what this type of coverage could do for McCready's attempts to kickstart her career again (it depends on how awful the reality show is, or if it gets picked up) but so far, the scandal hasn't done anything for her past albums. According to Soundscan, Mindy McCready hasn't tracked in the last few weeks. Anna Loynes, a rep for the music sales tracking service, says there has been no sales spike whatsoever. And how many albums does McCready need to sell to even register on Soundscan's tracking data?

"At least 100," she said.

Well, even 99 more sales of her entire back catalog is better than nothing. But maybe resurrecting an affair with Roger Clemens isn't the best marketing technique for her new album?

Mindy McCready's Roomie Recalls It All About Roger Clemens Affair [News-Press]

He admitted to no specific wrongdoing. See for yourself:

"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media. Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

Never has the non-apology apology been so artfully crafted. That's some fancy pitching right there. He's still got it, folks.

Elsewhere in the Kingdom of Remorse:

• The beard stubble and sailor's tattoos should have been a clue. Sorry. — Ronaldo

• Sorry I will soon make you forget about Erin Andrews — Samantha Steele (via SportsbyBrooks)

• Sorry I will soon make you forget about Allison Stokke. — Jessica Gysin

• Sorry about the crybaby shirts. Please stop calling in phony orders. — Papa Johns

• Sorry for faking The Big One one too many times, 'Lizbeth. — An actor

Clemens Regrets Personal 'Mistakes' [Houston Chronicle]

Clemens acknowledged those reports and was surprisingly contrite about some of the allegations:

"I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media. Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right."

But he wants you to know that, regardless of some of his tomcatting missteps in the past, it doesn't mean he cheated on baseball — or had sex with a 15-year-old country singer.:

"I believe my personal life has nothing to do with the accusations of steroid and HGH use.[N]ow, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false"

See? Image restored.

Clemens Apologizes For 'Mistakes' [ABC News]

If we're to believe the New York Daily News sources (which are to be believed most of the time — unless you're a Sean Avery fan), one of the other women who may or may not have had the Rocket inside them is John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette.

The NYDN says that from "several sources," Clemens and Paulette Dean Daly carried on an affair and he also provided her with financial support when needed. (Not surprising, considering her first husband wasn't known for his financial planning skills.) Daly, of course, had no comment about the alleged affair and merely stated that her and Roger were just friends. (Ed. Note: No word on whether or not he was wearing a shirt.)

One other interesting part of the story is the quote the Daily News gets from attorney Ernest Nargi, the legal expert in the piece, about what advice he'd give to Clemens' lawyer Rusty Hardin:

"If Roger was my client, I'd say, 'Look, let's sit down and find out what's out there. 'How many women are there? A girl a day? Every 15 minutes is one going to materialize from a bar or a trailer?"

Right now, it appears Roger Clemens might actually be the Cookie Guggelman Fleck of baseball.

Roger Clemens' linked to John Daly's ex [NYDN]

Unlike Mindy McCready, Moyers remains mum about the whole situation, but did offer a steamy "No comment" to every reporter who inquired about the nature of their relationship. Moyers used to be a bartender in Manhattan and was close enough with Clemens to, allegedly, let him help pay the rent for her Houston apartment when she lived there.

This should do wonders for her real estate business in this subprime ravaged market.

Roger Clemens had several women, flew them on jet planes [NYDN]
Clemens' gal's comeback pitch [CBS Sportsline]

"I cannot refute anything in the story. Yes, I have known Roger Clemens for a long time. He's a kind and caring man. He's also a legendary athlete."

Since her life has been one big Burning Bed for the last few years, you hate to completely piss all over McCready's non-refute, but why are so many people taking this woman seriously? If this story came out four years ago she would have about as much credibility as a deranged homeless person who wears shoes made out of soda cans and has pockets full of dead pigeons. What's changed?

Oh yeah: Roger. The fact that Clemens has not admitted he took steroids, that means he HAS to also be a hilllbilly chlid molester too, right?

I have a feeling that if Brian McNamee's lawyer keeps pressing this issue — and actually does ">subpoena McCready for the upcoming defamation suit — it completely makes him look like even more of an opportunistic little shit bird. It appears Mindy McCready is just another old, bloody tissue that McNamee just so happened to stumble upon when it was convenient for him.

And, seriously, is Clemens' lawyer, Rusty Hardin, the worst attorney ever? This guy should've been fired 15 times since December.

UPDATE:Here's an email from a person claiming to be some sort of relative who disagrees with the whole "she's a lying crazy lady" portion of this post:

You seemed to imply in your post about Mindy McCready today that she was somehow making this up...

The only thing Mindy cares about is self-promotion and if she's lucky, getting back on the County Fair concert circuit.

McCready Confirms Affair With Clemens [KGET]
">Lawyers For McNamee Intend To Capitalize On Allegations Of Clemens' Affair [ESPN]
Clemens' Mess [Deadspin]

Heavens. Remember Mindy McCready? She's a country singer who sang "Guys Do It All the Time," which was apparently some sort of country hit. Anyway, she's had a ton of personal problems in the last few years; this photo was taken she was arrested after a fight with her mom. She had a OxyContin addiction, once stole a truck and forced the driver to act as a hostage and tried to kill herself at least twice. It's the type of thing that might result from starting to date Roger Clemens when you were 15.

The New York Daily News has Clemens' denial, but minces few words.

According to sources, Clemens was with his Red Sox teammates in a Fort Myers, Fla., bar when then-teenager McCready caught his eye. After Clemens threw a shirt with his and several teammates' signatures onstage, an introduction was made.

"It was love at first sight, no doubt about it," said a source with intimate knowledge of the relationship.

According to the source, McCready did not learn that Clemens was married to Debbie Clemens until McCready attended a baseball game with her two younger brothers and read Clemens' bio in the program. The source says that McCready was too young to be angered by the news that Clemens was taken.

Supposedly this will have something to do with Clemens' suit against his former trainer Brian McNamee ... but honestly, who cares? (Unless the continuance of the suit means more revelations like this.) Roger Clemens, then 28 and with the Red Sox, with 15-year-old country music singers. Yipes.

Man, Roger, continuing to come out of retirement, staying in the public eye, what a great idea, huh?

More on this today, surely.

Roger Clemens Had 10-year Fling With Country Star Mindy McCready [New York Daily News]

The slugger did get one offer Wednesday, to work in media relations for a minor league team. The Lake Elsinore Storm, a Class-A affiliate of the San Diego Padres, released a tongue-in-cheek statement announcing that the club has offered Bonds "a cushy Media Relations position (with slight pay cut from $19.3 million), full use of baseball facilities and of course expanded cubicle space with barcalounger and plasma TV."

But seriously, folks, the MLB Players' Union has decided to investigate the fact that Bonds has had no offers to play in the majors. I'd venture to guess that one reason might be that Federal prosecutors are about seek a new indictment on him. Can you blame owners for being a little shy?

But back to the Storm's offer: How could Barry not want to wear this hat?

Bonds Gets Job Offer — In Media Relations [MSNBC]
Union Looking Into Bonds Snub [SFGate]
Feds Will Seek New Bonds Indictment [MSNBC]
Roger Clemens' Next Employment Opportunity [Deadspin]
Lake Elsinore Storm

I've received a handful of complaints from people recently asking me why I, and Congress as a whole, continue to pursue Roger Clemens and the rest of Major League Baseball for the truth regarding performance-enhancing drugs in the sport. I've gotten letters from aggrieved constituents telling me that Congress is wasting time and money, and that we should be working on other "more important matters," such as the war, health care, and so on.

Let me first address those concerns by saying that I believe Congress is already directing plenty of attention towards Iraq, the subprime mortgage crisis and other pressing matters, thank you very much. There ARE over 200 of us, you know. We are able to handle more than one thing at a time. In fact, that's what we're here for. Just because I want to hold both Clemens and baseball accountable for their shared history of steroid use does not mean I am unable to address other issues. We have not, I repeat NOT, pursued this inquiry at the expense of everything else.

As a matter of fact, given that this problem was allowed to fester in the sport for so long, I'd say we were a bit lax in addressing it, probably because of those other "more important" things. This epidemic goes as far back as the 70's. So I regret the fact that we have only gotten around to it just now. Had we been more vigilant, all this would not have been necessary today.

Secondly, it is clear to me that Mr. Clemens was not forthcoming in the least when he delivered his testimony here at Capitol Hill last month. Are we, as a Congress, simply supposed to let that slide? If someone, under oath, is evasive and downright dishonest with us, regardless of the matter, is it right for us to simply ignore it because it's not important enough?

Perhaps you find this matter to be trivial. That's fine. I'm happy to grant you that, much as I may disagree. But I do not believe that the direness of the subject is relevant here. What is relevant is that this man, Mr. Clemens, lied to us. And to let him get away with it would be setting a terrible example for the rest of the nation. Are we supposed to allow perjury on a subjective basis? I submit that would be a grave error. What would then keep others from lying to Congress in hopes of a similar free pass?

You see, I know Mr. Clemens lied to us. He gave testimony that directly contradicted that of his personal trainer, whose testimony was far more concrete. He also gave testimony that directly contradicted the testimony of a former teammate who had absolutely no reason to lie. It is clear to me, and other members of Congress that Mr. Clemens has established a consistent pattern of dishonesty. He is a compulsive liar, who repeatedly evades the truth as a way to avoid having to deal with his own flaws as a human being. It's so crystal clear. I know he took steroids. I know he took HGH.

And, most all, I know that asshole knows what a vegan is.

You may have found it a bit silly when Congressman Bruce Braley asked Clemens if he had ever been a vegetarian or a vegan. But I think Clemens' answer gives us a perfect look at his complete and utter disingenuousness.

"I don't know what that is. I'm sorry."

Oh, really? No clue what a vegan is? This from a gentleman who played in New York City FOR SIX YEARS? He's never even heard the term? I'm sorry, but that is bullshit. The man is 45 years old and has never seen that term used on a restaurant menu, or on a TV show, or in a magazine, or on the news, or in a movie, or at AT&T Park in San Francisco, for God's sake? No teammate ever joked about vegans with him?

My ass.

Look, I'll give you that veganism is a fairly new phenomenon. But it's not some underground movement, like mopery. Vegans have been out there prominently since the 90's. We even have them in Congress. Barney Frank gave me a taste of stir fried tempeh the other day. I thought it tasted like a particularly nutty bowel movement, but I lied and told him it was delicious. There are vegan actors, too. Familiar with little actress known as ALICIA SILVERSTONE, Mr. Clemens?

Your story is unraveling faster than a vegan family rehearsal dinner at Ruth's Chris.

All Mr. Clemens had to do was say, "No, I'm not a vegan," to Congressman Braley, and I think we all would have believed him. He's a big conservative fella. I'm sure he's not spending time mixing new blends with Moby over at teany. But instead, Mr. Clemens had to go way overboard and pretend he didn't even know what a vegan was, just so he could look like a real man's man.

I understand this, under certain circumstances. Sometimes, when I'm watching the TV with my wife and "Access Hollywood" comes on, my wife will ask me, "Who are those two people?" and I'll pretend I don't know. Oh, I know that's Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, and that my girl Spoon only got with Jake after being on the rebound from Ryan, and that Jake may be gay after being caught with Austin Nichols at a Lakers game the other week. I know this stuff. I read People when I go to the dermatologist's office. I just don't tell my wife I know because, well, it just seems a bit girly. If that makes me insecure, so be it.

But I certainly wouldn't lie to Congress about Reese and Jake.

You see, what you saw on television from Mr. Clemens' testimony is only part of the story. Congressman Braley and I had a private, off-the-record session with Mr. Clemens prior to the hearing. Here were some of the questions we asked, and some of Clemens' answers:

Question: Have you ever eaten puff pastry?

Clemens: I don't even know what that is.

Question: Do you own any Cole Haan shoes?

Clemens: I don't even know who that is.

Question: Have you ever purchased anything at Sephora?

Clemens: I don't even know where that is.

Question: Are you a fan of Rugkazbah?

Clemens: I don't even know what that is. My mom might know.

You see the pattern of deceit here?! This is man who is not only willing to lie, but has a steadfast determination to avoid the truth at all costs. He has done this at the expense of teammates, friends and even his own family. So don't tell me that exposing him is a useless kind of exercise for the American public. This is the same kind of pathological lying that corrupts every aspect of our society, whether it be baseball, or war, or anything else. And Congress is determined to put a stop to it.

Because that asshole has totally seen a Not Dog before.

In an open letter (PDF) to Clemens, they offer them a position as team mascot. Well, backup team mascot, actually.

We have already designed a new logo for the Huntsville Stars that now includes a rocket. Since everybody this side of Venus knows you as the 'Rocket,' we would like to offer you the position of our team's official secondary mascot, 'Rocket.' As 'Rocket,' you will dress as an astronaut and simply interact with fans and assist in on-field promotions during our 70-game home schedule when the primary mascot, Homer the Polecat, is not available.

We firmly believe that you would be a great addition to our organization and are willing to move forward in the negotiation process as soon as possible. Although the position isn't the most lucrative in Minor League Baseball, we will guarantee that you'll have the most fun of any team with which you've been employed. In addition to your $25 per game, you will receive meal vouchers redeemable at the concession stands for one hotdog and one soft drink each night, and a 15% employee discount at our team's souvenir store, The Backstop Shop.

You know, that's a pretty good deal. The question hangs there, unanswered: Drug testing, or no?

Stars Letter To Clemens (PDF)

FBI agents in Washington opened the case a little more than two weeks after both Clemens and McNamee appeared at the same House hearing on Feb. 13, each accusing the other of lying. "The request to open an investigation on the congressional testimony of Roger Clemens has been turned over to the FBI and will receive appropriate investigative action by the Washington Field Office," said FBI spokeswoman Debra Weierman.

Meanwhile, the Astros are distancing themselves. This is going to get a lot uglier before it gets better.

FBI Opens Investigation Into Clemens' Testimony [USA Today]
Congress Decides That It's Time ... For The Comfy Chair! [Deadspin]
Astros Owner Might Reconsider Clemens Deal [MSNBC]

Roger Clemens arrived at the Houston Astros' minor league clubhouse on Tuesday and walked straight to a fenced-in bullpen to greet his oldest son, Koby, a catcher in the Astros' system. He snapped at a photographer who started clicking pictures. "This isn't a zoo!'' Clemens barked.

That's a great quote. Of course, Clemens is wrong: Baseball is the ultimate zoo, steroids or no. You watch exotic creatures in an enclosed grotto, and occasionally one gets loose and mauls a spectator.

Clemens refused to respond to any questions concerning steroids or his recent appearance before Congress, and said he has no plans to play this season, but still wants to stay in shape for some reason.

The 45-year-old Clemens also dodged a question about whether he would consider playing again. He said he's still staying in shape, running and lifting weights regularly. He's running in a charity race in Houston on Saturday. ``I don't want to get put in that situation,'' he said. ``At this point, I don't plan on playing. But I've said that for three years. Next thing I know, I'm tying up my cleats for real.''

But a real reason that Clemens is welcomed with open arms at Astros camp? Both he and Astros owner Drayton McLane Jr. are big-time Republicans and GW Bush supporters.

Roger Clemens Arrives At Astros Camp, Says He's Moving Forward [Comcast]

As the quite amusing 236.com updates its Dickipedia entry on Clemens, we sit back and wonder why Clemens put himself through all this. He's the one who fought the Mitchell Report charges so vehemently, and those denials are the real reason he was up there yesterday anyway. And yesterday only made him look like more of a liar.

Clemens spoke haltingly, answered evasively, contradicted himself, and whispered with his lawyers when asked to explain these contradictions. Perhaps, like Sammy Sosa in 2005, he would've been better off claiming he didn't speak English.

So where does Clemens go from here? Is there anything he can do? We don't think so; we think this was the final step. What more can the man say about steroids at this point? It's over for him.

This is yet another reason why most baseball players shouldn't talk.

The Rocket Under Fire [Slate]

(UPDATE: Here's a great rundown from The Atlantic Monthly.)

That's not to say we couldn't all take considerable enjoyment out of the whole thing. Yahoo has a compendium of enjoyable one-liners, including the soon-to-be-classic "Those little band-aids for his butt, if it bled."

The real fun to be had, though, is from the political pundit folk, who actually watch C-SPAN all the time. They've gleefully awarded Clemens the Best Testimonial Trainwreck award for 2008. They call out this great pretzel quote, about Andy Pettitte:

"Once again, Mr. Congressman, I think [Pettitte] misremembers the conversation that we had. Andy and I's relationship was close enough to know that if I would have known that he had done HGH, which I now know, if he was knowingly knowing that I had taken HGH, we would have talked about the subject. He'd have come to me to ask me about the effects of it."

So, when's that old-people-on-HGH television show coming out? We're in.

• Rep. Elijah Cummings pretty much accusing Clemens of lying about everything.

• Clemens claiming his wife did HGH (for her SI photo shoot), but not him. Which is nice, and should go over well.

• Brian McNamee looks a lot like Zelig.

• Clemens is very angry. Grrr. Roger smash.

(UPDATE: Nothing will ever beat this:

Congressman: "Mr. Clemens, do you recall bleeding through your pants in 2001?"
Clemens: "I do not."

Well, that's a relief.)

Here's some video, if you want it:

The session is just starting right now, and you can watch it on C-SPAN3, and we find it hilarious that C-SPAN has more compelling programming on its first two channels. Howard Bryant, who certainly knows his steroid writing, has a great tale of the tape preview of the big showdown.

We were going to live blog it, but the notion of having a job that would require us to live blog something off C-SPAN3 scared us off. Sorry.

Congressional Hearing Just As Much About Mitchell As Clemens [ESPN]
Steroid Hearings [CSPAN3]

(By the way, don't forget the testimony drinking game. And Jayson Stark is doing a great live blog.)

Not that we have a major problem with this; it's Roger Clemens, after all. But we're not sure the public good is served by dragging out a big name every few years and making him sweat under the harsh interrogation of Orrin Hatch. Clemens is going to say he's innocent, Brian McNamee is going to say he's guilty and hopefully someone will crush a beer can against their head. Everyone's talking about this as if it's some sort of showdown. It isn't. It's just the only time in your life that you'll watch CSPAN. And then only for a few minutes.

One thing is clear, though: We will, without question, miss Rusty Hardin. He's the yokel Johnnie Cochran, that guy.

Clemens Saga, Past, Present And Future [East Coast Bias]
Getting To Know Rusty Hardin [The Sports Hernia]

The latest McNamee bomb alleges that Rocket encouraged his wife to zap herself with some HGH right before her Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue shoot in 2003. Writer Kathleen O' Brien dug up this little nugget from Debbie Clemens' website about her trepidation about posing for the issue:

Roger came to me one day and told me that we had been asked to do a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated. I had major anxiety! I was a 39-year-old mother of 4! Once I realized that this WAS going to be a reality, I decided I had to give it everything I had. My mind was set. I am not a risk taker, but have since learned that with great risk, sometimes comes great reward. The responses from that experience have been wonderful and I feel it was a turning point in my life. It's nice to have a goal for yourself and to see it through. The goal kept me motivated and focused. Using common sense and my ability to balance my life, I achieved that goal.

Well, the goal was achieved. She absolutely shreded herself for that photo shoot. However, with this latest allegation does this mean that Debbie Clemens lose her first ballot milf hall of fame credentials? She only has a few more years of eligibility.

Roger Clemens — some 'family plan' [NJ.com]

Roger Clemens had a little hissy fit yesterday, and his lawyer compared the accusations to the Duke lacrosse case, and it's always fun when that comes up. It's all happening Wednesday afternoon in front of Congress. We repeat: This is not about getting to the bottom of steroids anymore. It's only about embarrassing Clemens. Which is fine, really.

But that said: What's with the beer can?

Roger Clemens' Stash? [The Smoking Gun]

Roger was the older girl who taught Andy how to be popular, and they were totally BFF. Then they both got in trouble for drinking on campus with alcohol that Roger had bought — he always wants to drink more than Andy; Andy is worried about upsetting her parents — and when faced with punishment by her strict, Fundamentalist parents, Andy sells out Roger, who was behind the whole thing in the first place.

The analogy holds even during the "What's Happening To My Body" phrase.

Ward and Emery said they believed that Pettitte, who has acknowledged receiving H.G.H. from McNamee in 2002, will provide the first account of contemporaneous conversations with McNamee about Clemens's use of performance-enhancing drugs in earlier years.

You SLUT! That was our secret!

The Honeymoon Is Over [Metroville]
Discussing Clemens [Baseball Musings]

Esquire has the definitive timeline of Roger Clemens' ridiculous public statements. Prepare to get your bile up. A good example:

1990
"If someone met me on a game day, he wouldn't like me. The days in between, I'm the goodest guy you can find," states Clemens. He proves the first part true when he takes the mound in Game 4 of the American League Championship Series against Oakland and lasts two innings before being ejected for threatening umpire Terry Cooney ("I'm gonna find out where you live and come get you this winter"). This is actually quite mild compared to what he said to Oakland pitcher and recovering alcoholic Bob Welch: "Have another beer. Be a man. Stop drinking milk." Ah, Roger at his goodest.

Honestly, not since Simmons' epic Clemens Is The AntiChrist column — which ran in freaking 2001, if you don't feel old enough yet — has anything gone into so much detail proving what we already knew: Roger Clemens is a douche of historic proportions.

The Wonderful, Despicable Life Of Roger Clemens [Esquire]

Something showed up on his bottom, and as you can imagine, it wasn't pretty:

Brian McNamee told federal authorities last summer that Roger Clemens developed an abscess on his buttocks about the same time that McNamee said he was giving him steroid injections during the 1998 season, according to a lawyer with knowledge of details of the case.

For McNamee And Clemens, A New Dispute [New York Times]
Controversy Over Clemens's Steroid Use Becomes Pain in the Butt [Steroid Nation]

It turns out Sunday's "60 Minutes" interview was just the beginning of this whole business; Clemens is now recording phone calls, holding press conferences and suing Brian McNamee for all he's worth. We're still not quite sure we believe him, but that's not really the point; it's a bizarre public drama, unfolding for a slightly bored, but still curious, nation to groggily absorb.

The thing Clemens doesn't realize is that it's already over for him. No matter what he does, the majority of fans are going to consider him a steroid user from now on, and that includes people who vote on him for the Hall of Fame. He can yell all he want, but the die is cast. Sorry, man: This is what happens when, you know, do a lot of steroids.

The most enlightening aspect of the whole "case" we've read in recent days is Pat Jordan's remembrance of McNamee and Clemens in a story he wrote for The New York Times Magazine a few years ago.

But the point of my profile of Mr. Clemens was less about his parsimoniousness than it was his strange relationship with Mr. McNamee. During the dinner at the steakhouse Mr. Clemens asked Mr. McNamee for his permission to have a steak (McNamee nodded) and a baked potato (McNamee nodded again, but added a caveat, "Only dry."). The same scenario played itself out at the Mexican Restaurant. Clemens pointed to an item on the menu and Mr. McNamee either nodded, or shook his head, no.

During the three days I followed Mr. Clemens around Houston, he seemed like a child beholden to the whims of the sour, suspicious, and taciturn McNamee. It seemed as if Mr. Clemens would not do anything to his body, or ingest anything into it that Mr. McNamee hadn't approved.

We love the idea of Roger Clemens pointing at food, having his whims rejected, and then stomping his feet and pouting. That would make us sue a guy too.

Friends [Baseball Analysts]
Clemens Vs. McNamee Lawsuit [The Smoking Gun]

Here's the transcript:

When asked by Wallace if McNamee had ever injected him with any drugs, Clemens responds: "Lidocaine and B-12. It's for my joints, and B-12 I still take today."

Clemens calls the accusation "ridiculous" and says he "never" used any banned substances.

"Swear?" asks Wallace.
"[I] swear," says Clemens.

See, now this is how you become a legend in the world of journalism: By asking probing questions like that one. We respect Wallace's ability to resist following up with "pinkie swear?"

Clemens: Trainer Only Injected Legal Drug [CBS News]

McNamee's lawyer says, if Clemens accuses him of lying, he will definitely sue. This, however, could be exactly what Clemens wants.

Best case for Clemens: McNamee, even if he is telling the truth, fails to carry his considerable burden of proof or, even worse, ends up losing his legal team over financial issues and the case just melts away. If that happens, Clemens declares victory, the national media does an about-face, and the Rocket is voted into Cooperstown in his first year of eligibility.

We're not so sure it's gonna be that easy for Clemens, but nevertheless, it'll be fun to see Mike Wallace attempt to stay awake through all his questions. We also like the idea of Wallace saying, "Is it true, Mr. Clemens, that you took shots in the ass?" It's nice to see ancient journalists keeping their dignity.

Clemens' Brinksmanship [ShysterBall]
Clemens's Interview Could Lead To Lawsuit [New York Times]

Our immediate observations, mostly of a hopefully amusing nature:

• He has a few weird facial ticks, and stumbles a lot, which is odd, considering the video is edited and could have been re-filmed.

• Thankfully, he doesn't have the streaks in his hair anymore.

• He's appropriately forceful and unequivocal, we think, and it's worth pointing out, like he does, that the Los Angeles Times story from last year about his appearance in the Jason Grimsley document, the one he vehemently denied, turned out to be false after all. He's denying even more fiercely here.

• Our favorite mental image, by far, is of one of Roger's children attempting to teach him how to use YouTube. WRClemens, "age 45," just joined on Saturday, and this is the only video. We're fairly certain this is the first time Clemens has ever heard of YouTube, and he's probably spent the last 48 hours getting caught up on Peanut Butter Jelly Time, the Star Wars kid and all the other Internet memes of the last five years. It's probably been a fun few days.

No, really. Someone sent us this listing for an Indians jersey, and it's available in five sizes:

• Adult Medium
• Adult Large
• Adult X-Large
• Adult XX-Large
• Roger Clemens

Nobody's really quite sure what it does, because choosing it from the menu snaps back to "Adult Medium." But I'm sure once he finds out he's named in a series of jersey sizes, he'll come out firing on the YouTubes denying that he was ever at one time in his life, a measurement.

Cleveland Indians Replica Player Alternate Jersey [Majestic Athletic]

There's no logical reason Clemens would take five days to respond to the Mitchell Report, which he finally did yesterday, other than Clemens' own arrogance. And if you take a look at his actual statement, it's so carefully worded that it's not much of a denial at all.

But the real question: How hard will Clemens fight this? In an empirical sense, the evidence against him, were it ever to go to court, is kind of flimsy; it's the word of a con against his. But this is not a battle, if fought in the courts, that Clemens can win. All he can do is just remind us, every day, of the allegations. Say what you will about Andy Pettitte and his "oh, I just HAPPENED to use HGH that ONE TIME the report talks about," but he knew how to get ahead of the story. Clemens is way behind. The question is how badly he wants to catch up, and whether it's worth it.

Roger Clemens, Master Of Semantics [Shake Down Sports]

Our question: Is this T-shirt more valuable now, or less?

How delicious, then, that the pound of flesh belonged to Roger Clemens! Perhaps the most universally loathed baseball player — A-Rod has decades to go to catch up, and one senses his problem is more that he's kind of dopey, rather than a dick like Clemens — has finally gotten the comeuppance many wished upon him. Hating Roger Clemens: It's not just for baseball fans anymore!

As Stark points out, the evidence against Clemens is essentially he said/he said, but, frankly ... WHO CARES? The Mitchell Report was gonna nail someone to the wall and ruin their reputation forever. And it turned out to be Roger Clemens! Bad day for baseball? What? Says who?

Many Legacies Will Be Tarnished Forever [ESPN]

Here's some really gruesome descriptions of "future Hall of Famer" Roger Clemens being injected with steroids.

We're about three-and-a-half hours away from the release of the Mitchell Report — or as we prefer to call it, "Whose Career Can We Ruin, And By "Ruin" We Mean, "Hurt The Reputation Of While Still Paying Him Millions" — and there's not much time left for guessing games. Because the Internet was invented for unfettered and unsubstantiated speculation, we encourage you to make your last-second guesses now. Then you can take a bunch of credit in three hours if you're right.

We repeat: The only real purpose of this report is for everyone to scream "Gotcha!" for the poor souls unable to avoid its pages. So we might as well all play along.

As you know by now, "Mike and Mike" reported this morning that Brian McNamee, personal trainer for Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte, told Mitchell report investigators he gave Clemens steroids prior to joining the team and while he was a Yankee. So you'll see him. Maybe. Here we go.

We'll be live-blogging Mitchell's press conference today at 2 p.m., so, you know, in case you don't have a TV.