Avery took a completely uncalled for and unnecessary cheap shot at Bruins goalie Tim Thomas last night—tapping him on the back of the head with his stick during a timeout. There's was a little dust-up, matching minors, and the only thing that got hurt was a lot of feelings. That's called being an instigator, which is only awesome when the instigator is on your team. (Or you're a disinterested fan of chaos.) When he's not, the guy is a criminal who should banned from ice skating. So you see the dilemma that turns the stomachs of the league's head honchos.

The Bruins won the game and clinched the best record in the East. The Rangers are clinging to the eighth playoff spot by a very thin hair. Avery's antics work ... except when they don't. But they don't hurt ticket sales, that's for sure.

Sean Avery Instigates Everyone Including Jack Edwards [Online Sports Guys]

The crowd was barely awake until they called his name for the starting lineup and they gave up their first of many rousing cheers for him that night. The hated New Jersey Devils were in town, led by Avery's favorite foil Martin Brodeur, and the sellout crowd was looking for blood. They didn't get it, but it didn't really matter, because the game is definitely more interesting with the villain on the ice.

Of course, everyone who isn't a Ranger fan hates Sean Avery's guts. Almost immediately, you could see the frustration building among the Devils players. Several of them tried desperately to take shots at Avery throughout the game—including Brodeur, but that was mostly because he was standing on the goalie's leg pads during a first-period power play. Avery refused to take the bait, which of course frustrated them even more. He delivered a monster check on Johnny Oduya late in the game, but even after David Clarkson threw him to the ice—twice—he wouldn't drop his stick and gloves. I guess those anger management classes are working.

I understand that you can't really have a guy publicly insulting the virtue of famous female actresses, but it really is a shame the NHL wants to handcuff this guy and turn him into another anonymous NHL forward. The home crowd loves him, opposing crowds have a reason to show up and hate him, and he's a pretty good player. He's not the best, by any stretch, but he may be the best at what he does ... and he's certainly the most interesting player in the league. Outside of goalie Henrik Lundquist (who pitched an impressive shutout), no one else was getting chants and ovations from the home crowd last night. Avery makes every game he is in more fun—and he makes the Rangers better—so what's more important than that?

A Fuller Portrait of Sean Avery vs. the Devils [Slap Shot - NY Times]
Recap: Devils @ Rangers - 03/30/2009 [NHL.com]

A few weeks ago, Avery was sent to the Rangers' AHL affiliate, with the unspoken understanding that when he was ready to come back to the bigs, New York would claim him on re-entry. John Tortorella, an analyst for TSN, thought that was a horrible idea and said so on the air. It's safe to say that he is not a fan of Avery.

Right after the December incident in Calgary in which Avery made crude and intemperate remarks about former girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert: Tortorella said this on TSN:

"The league stepped up here and I think they did the right thing. Enough is enough.

"He's embarrassed himself, he's embarrassed the organization, he's embarrassed the league and he's embarrassed his teammates, who have to look out for him. Send him home. He doesn't belong in the league."

Of course, when that "trade" to the Rangers was hatched in early February, Tom Renney was still the coach in New York. But he was fired last week and replaced by ... let's see here ... John Tortorella! How about that? So will John have to eat his words now and pretend he's on board with Avery or is the whole deal off? The Rangers playoffs hopes made depend on that answer.

And there's always the possibility that some other desperate team will swoop and grab Avery first. This whole situation has gotten very ... what's the word I'm looking for? Messy? Slippery? I'll think of it ...

The looming showdown: John Tortorella vs. Sean Avery [National Post]

Rangers GM will have to go through some major wheel-and-deal with Dallas Stars co-GM Les Jackson about how much money they'll absorb, when Avery will go on waivers, etc. If all of that paperwork gets finalized, then Avery could be back in the Rangers organization some time in March.

Since his infamous "sloppy seconds" comment in November, Avery has been receiving counseling under the NHL/NHLPA behavioral health program. The details of his treatment haven't been specified, but I imagine it's Avery being shuffled around from doctor to doctor trying to explain that there's actually nothing wrong with him, and the NHL is just antiquated and boring. Then they show him a picture of a black splotch on a white piece of paper, give him some Prozac, and then pump him full of positive reinforcement before he goes off shopping for chinchilla-lined pea coats.

Anyway, I hope it happens. He's good for business.

New York Ranges Looking To Bring Back Sean Avery [NYP]

Sean Avery's suspension, handed to him for comments he made about ex girlfriends, forced him into anger management classes just weeks into his first season with Dallas. When he can return to play hockey at all is in question.

However, there's no telling when Avery will even be ready to play again. He is at an undisclosed location seeking treatment through a program set up by the NHL players association. When he was suspended, Avery told the Stars he needed help dealing with anger issues.

"Sean needs to focus on his own well-being while the Stars hockey team must focus on playing hockey and competing for a playoff spot," Stars co-general manager Brett Hull said in the statement. "We all need to move forward."

Wow, who would have thought that hockey players were angry? Granted Avery is widely known to be hockey's biggest douchebag and has gone through four teams in seven years. But seriously, you have to some kind of messed up to be forced into anger management by a sport that encourages violent fights during play.

"Mr. Avery has expressed remorse for his recent comments and has sought a professional anger management evaluation," NHL commissioner Gary Bettman said in a league-issued statement. "I will require that he follow through with that process as a condition of his returning to the ice and that he complies with any and all recommendations."

Seriously? This guy has "Man of Leisure" printed on his business cards. Not to sound like Grumpy Old Man, but I remember when "unacceptable and antisocial behavior" was required to play on the fourth line. If anything, Avery should have been forced to play in that game against Calgary so that every goon on the Flames squad could deliver some "anger management evaluations" right there on the ice. Does the league even have goons anymore?

What happened, hockey? You used to be cool.

NHL HANDS AVERY A SIX-GAME SUSPENSION [TSN]

"I would like to sincerely apologize for my off-color remarks to the press yesterday from Calgary. I should not have made those comments and I recognize that they were inappropriate. It was a bad attempt to build excitement for the game, but I am now acutely aware of how hurtful my actions were. I caused unnecessary embarrassment to my peers as well as people I have been close with in the past. I apologize for offending the great fans of the NHL, the Commissioner, my teammates, my coaching staff and the Dallas Stars Management and Ownership. As many of you know, I like to mix it up on and off the ice from time to time, but understand that this time I took it too far."

Unfortunately, it could be too late for Avery's career in Dallas. TSN columnist Bob McKenzie speculates that the Stars are so fed up with Avery that he might be released or sent to the minors. None of the Stars' officials or his teammates would accept Avery's apology.

There is still no comment from Dion Phaneuf or any of the Sloppy Seconds in question.

Oh, and apparently "sloppy seconds" is considered too offensive a term for the Philadelphia Inquirer:" The NHL suspended Dallas Stars forward Sean Avery indefinitely for making an inappropriate comment while the team was in Calgary. Avery took a shot at Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, who is dating Avery's ex-girlfriend, Elisha Cuthbert: "I just wanted to comment on how it's become, like, a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my [former girlfriends]."

Jesus...

Sean Avery Apologizes [Unfair Park]

Anyway,if you didn't know, the comment is directed at Dion Phaneuf and Phaneuf's girl friend Elisha Cuthbert, whom Avery used to date. But given Cuthbert's, Milanoesque proclivity for men on skates, that comment could have been directed at half the league. Or it could be directed at the LA Kings' Jarret Stoll, who is currently dating Rachel Hunter, also a former Avery conquest.

The league will apparently have a hearing on this, which should be even more embarrassing for any woman who's ever dated Sean Avery.

Avery Suspended For Comments [TSN]

"We are excited about the opportunity to add a player like Sean Avery to our group," said Stars co-general manager Brett Hull. "His ability to play the game with skill and tenacity makes us a better team and is a great complement to the players we have here."

The numbers in the deal have Avery earning $3.5 million next season and $4 million in 2009-10, 2010-11 and 2011-12. Plenty of money to spend on couture pants, shiny shoes, and tissues.

Dallas Stars Land Avery With 4-year Deal [Dallas Morning News]

Hey Ladies! Sean Avery Will "Jerk Off To You Now" [Gawker]

He started his internship on Monday, and he's already digging in.

Observers say he's involved in all sections of the magazine, including features and accessories, and attends edit meetings. And while Avery pulled down $2 million last year with the Rangers, he's earning minimum wage for his time at Vogue, a magazine spokesman confirmed, denying speculation Avery was being paid $5,000 for his summer job.

You know, we're not sure why those are different: A minimum wage job for the summer is probably gonna be around $5,000, if not a little more. But nevermind that. We hope this means the inevitable bitchfights around the typical fashion magazine office now involve an actual dropping of the gloves. We want the next Vogue cover model to be toothless, and sporting a mullet.

Reporting For Duty [Women's Wear Daily]

Fan IQ also has a little video of Avery giving a camera man the finger during practice as he's demonstrating his unique, recently banned distraction techniques.

(Ed. Note: We thought this "distraction" technique was absolutely awesome. It never occurred to the NHL to ban that before now? Shit, let the man keep going, and change it during the offseason. Loophole's a loophole.)

Sean Avery Still A Total Jackass, This Time In Autograph Form [FanIQ]
Sean Avery Mocks Sean Avery Rule [FanIQ]

Late yesterday afternoon, Colin Campbell, the Senior Executive Vice President and Director of Hockey Operations for the NHL, issued a ruling banning what Sean Avery did in an effort to screen out Martin Brodeur in Sunday night's Game 3. I understand where everyone is coming from on this. Avery's a jerk, pest and instigator. He was trying to draw a penalty. But it's important to note that nothing he did was against the rules. He never stepped into the crease. He never touched Brodeur. In fact, Brodeur punched Avery! That said, I agree with all of the accusations against Avery.

However, to completely change a rule in the middle of the playoffs is insane. Campbell called it an "interpretation" of the rule, but that's straight bullshit. He added an entire subsection to Rule 75.2 of the NHL Handbook, which describes Unsportsmanlike Conduct minor penalties. Until yesterday, you'd get a minor penalty for: A.) Using obscene or abusive language or gestures on the ice, B.) Unsportsmanlike conduct involving physical interaction, ala hair-pulling and biting, C.) Throwing objects on the ice from the bench, D.) Instigating a fight, or E.) Deliberately removing your jersey. Avery did none of that. Adding a sixth subsection to the rule in the middle of a series just because you don't like the guy is unheard of. You want to change the rule after the season? More power to you. You want to send a goon in to take his head off? Go for it. Take your chances. Changing a rule after the series has started reeks of bad sportsmanship far worse than anything Avery did Sunday night.

They Fail Stephen Harper's Test. The Senators brought out a Spartan from 300 to pump up the crowd. It came off a bit homoerotic, and if there's one thing Hockey Jesus doesn't tolerate, it's homoeroticism. He started a scoring frenzy in the third period that lead the Pens to a 4-1 win and a 3-0 lead in the series. After some solid back and forth action that saw Martin Gerber make some badass saves, Nick Foligno took a Spezza chip shot that flew about 15 feet in the air before landing at his stick. He flipped it past Marc-Andre Fleury to give the Senators a crucial first goal that woke up the crowd that had been quieted after a scoreless first period. Maxime Talbot acted fast to tie things up though with a five hole slider that made Gerber look like a baby (Sorry).

Hockey Jesus, furious at the heathen way the game began, smote Gerber twelve seconds into the third period, slipping the puck in short-side to put the Pens up. His disciple Jordan Staal added a re-direct a minute later. Things continued to go against the Sens as Ryan Malone got a stick to the balls, which created a five-on-three advantage. Marian Hossa slotted home a rebound as Gerber was sprawled across the crease just as the two man advantage ended. That proved to be the final blow as the Pens have just about shut the door on Ottawa's playoff hopes. The Penguins will try to tie up the loose ends on Wednesday night. — Reasonable Doubt

Some of Y'all Might Know This, and Some of Y'All Don't: When I drew the Wings and Preds, I figured I could phone this one in with a carbon copy Closer from Games 1 and 2. Kick things off with a joke about an ancient Red Wing scoring a goal (Old Man Kris Draper roofed a wrister in the first). Follow with stock phrasing of complete domination and puck control by Detroit. Neglect mentioning two meaningless equalizer goals off the sticks of Alex Radulov and a newly-returned David Legwand. Probably throw in an homage to the days of the Detroit Russian Red Army (perhaps when Pavel Datsyuk took a 3-2 lead forty seconds into the third). And profit.

But then Jan Hlavac channeled some DJ Kool, and stopped on a dime.

With less than four minutes in the third, the journeyman Czech held up the three-on-two rush, just long enough for a trailing Ryan Suter to get into position for a momentum-swiping slapshot under the glove of Hasek. A mere nine seconds later, Jason Arnott (who looks as much like Randy Travis as Will does) fulfilled the broadcast team's game-long prophecy by blasting the game-winner nine seconds later. Thank God. The Nashville captain had to be getting tired of Versus' Christine Simpson starting their daily pre-game interview with "So Jason, obviously you haven't much luck scoring this series." Next game, maybe Simpson can share hair care tips with Zetterberg. — Hextall454
The Wild and the Avalanche Enjoy Extra Sessions as Much as Paul Jewell Does with a Nazi Dominatrix. For the third consecutive game, Minnesota and Colorado agreed that three periods of hockey isn't enough. Tied 2-2 at the end of regulation, the Wild went up in the series 2-1 when Jeff Finger misplayed the puck on a potential icing, Brian Rolston scooped it up off the back wall and fed Pierre-Marc Bouchard for the game winner and a 3-2 victory.
Andrew Brunette started the scoring off with a back-door goal off a Joe Sakic shot in the first period. Brunette had so much time and space, he could have dragged out Sakic's rocking chair and took a seat. Colorado had the chance to blow the game wide open at the end of the 1st when the Wild took two consecutive penalties but the Avs failed to convert on either opportunity.
It appeared the Wild evened the game up in the 2nd 1-1, but the goal was waved-off due to Aaron Voros pulling a Kobe on Jose Theodore, climbing on top and practically forcing himself on the innocent goaltender. The Wild drew another penalty as Voros' minor expired and Colorado failed to convert once again.
The Wild evened the score 1-1 in the 3rd, after Theodore shut out the Wild in the first two periods for the third game in a row, when Mikko Koivu scored on a nifty pass from Todd Fedoruk. Colorado then found themselves down 2-1 after a Brian Rolston shorthanded goal. Inevitably, Father Time evened-up the score at 2 with about 5 minutes remaining in regulation.
The story of the game was without a doubt the goaltending. If Jose Theodore played insanely in making 36 saves, many coming from point blank in overtime, then Niklas Backstrom played hook-up-a-car-battery-to-your-scrotum batshit crazy, notching 44 saves in the victory. — Weed Against Speed

And that's good, 'cause Avery's looking a little cheap compared to his honor. Avery was linked to Maison de L'Amour (House of the Dirty Fucking, if I know my French) the "madam's midrange prostitution service, farming hookers out to Manhattan hotels for $500 dates. High-rollers went to her Wicked Models service, where prices started at about $1,200 and went upward of $3,900."

Oh, so you're pulling in $1.9 million a year and you can't even get a decent hooker? Some "Animal" you are.