Sorry for making your naughty bits shrivel up with repulsion just now. But let me draw your attention to a dating column on College Humor. One hapless reader writes in with his tale of woe:

A while back me and my GF were having sex. I put on my iPod for some mood music, but instead of putting on a playlist I just hit shuffle. Twenty minutes into our love making session, the music ended and a podcast I had downloaded of PTI (Pardon the Interruption) from ESPN came on. Neither of us wanted to stop to change it, so we finished to the soothing voices of Tony Kornheiser and Mike Wilbon. I no longer listen to PTI.
-Anonymous

Good god, man. That can't be healthy for you, as you'll never be able to do the deed again without thinking of Tony and Michael debating Tim Tebow's NFL potential. And I hoped you used protection; any kid conceived under those circumstances has no choice in life but to become Stat Boy.

Dating, It's Complicated [College Humor]

According to the New York Post's rather lengthy deconstruction of events, Phillips had a brief fling with a fellow ESPN employee named Brooke Hundley this summer. He ended it rather quickly, which did not go over very well. She allegedly began harassing Phillips, his wife and even his teenage son—who she friended on Facebook by pretending to be a classmate, and then grilled him for personal information about the family.

The final straw came when Phillips' wife arrived at her home to see a strange woman coming down her driveway and getting into a car (which she promptly smashed into a pole while trying to make a quick getaway.) The woman had left a very creepy letter in the front door, addressed to Phillips wife. The full original letter is available on the Post website [PDF], but here are some of the bullet points laid out by Hundley:

• She and Steve first slept together in a St. Louis hotel room, but he assured her that she wouldn't get pregnant because of his vasectomy.
• How and she Steve love to text back and forth with detailed plans on how they would like to sex each other
• An uncomfortable amount of detail about the activities of her children
• How the Catholic Church will totally understand if the Phillips got a divorce, so that she and Steve can be together
• She's 22 ... but not stupid!
• A graphic description of Steve's birthmarks (on his crotch and inner thigh), just to know she's legit.

In a written statement, Phillips confessed that he had three sexual encounters with Hundley and then broke it off in July. Almost immediately after that, the woman began making phone calls to his wife, leaving voicemails, sending inappropriate texts, and making even more inappropriate Facebook overtures to his son. He says he believes her to "obsessive and delusional" and police have become involved. Nevertheless, Phillips is suspended for at least one week and his wife has filed for divorce.

This is not the first time Phillips has run into this sort of trouble, nor is it the first incident involving the Baseball Tonight team. When he was GM of the Mets in the 1990s, Phillips had to take a leave of absence after an affair with a team employee. See also: Reynolds, Harold. There's a chance we won't see him on any ESPN network before this baseball season ends and then after that, who knows what will become of his tenure at the firm.

Expect a lot more on this before the day is over, obviously

Affair is foul for ESPN star [NY Post]
Photos of Brooke Hundley [WEEI]

Update: Get your questions in now for Phillips' 1:00 p.m. ESPN Chat! Suggested inquiry: "What were you thinking? Melvin Mora for Mike Bordick?!"

Update 2: The New York Daily News apparently got a hold of Hundley's resume. (Update 2.5: Because it's online.) Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Update 3: Headline: "Steve Phillips Furthers His Idiocy." Sorry, that's actually not about the affair.

Update 4: ESPN, perhaps learning their lesson from the Ben Roethlsiberger incident, has released an official statement and linked to it from the front page of ESPN.com: "We were aware of this and took appropriate disciplinary action at the time. We have granted Steve's request for an extended leave of absence to allow him to address it. We have no further comment."

Update 5: TMZ has the 911 call from Phillips' wife after Hundley showed up at their house. Good times.

Sypher filed a complaint with the police department's sex offense unit, if that helps paint a picture for you. However, since prosecutors have determined that the claim lacks sufficient evidence, the exact allegation will probably never be known. Depending on how much you want to know about Pitino's nighttime activities that may or may not be a bad thing.

The case against Sypher, however, continues. So who knows what crazy stories will come out of that? In case you've lost track, her lawyer quit and her accused accomplice has rolled over on her—after she literally rolled on him apparently. Lester Goetzinger had been charged with aiding and abetting Sypher's attempted extortion, but he says she came over to his house, sexed him up, and then convinced him to leave threatening voicemails for Pitino. Classy. Goetzinger made a deal with prosecutors after determining that Sypher threw him under the bus. Also classy!

But Sypher is not done yet:

"I'm furious," Sypher told WLKY televison station. "If the investigation was thorough like it should have been, they would have found out what they needed to carry out this case. I'm not done yet."

I just said that!

Complaint against coach Pitino won't be prosecuted [AP]
Attorney: Sypher Seduced Client Into Pitino Plot [WLKY, via]

Since there's only a couple of hours remaining until kickoff, I'm assuming that this has already gone down, or is right now a part of a bad-ass tailgate party. I also feel pretty safe in assuming that A.J. Daulerio was somehow involved with this. I know he wouldn't give up playoff tickets for the privilege, but he probably could've seen the show for free, just by mentioning that he is, in fact, the balls.

I am somewhat underwhelmed, however, by the offer these young ladies have put on the table. These tickets are worth hundreds of dollars, and they can't even bring themselves to touch anyone for them? That's weak, sweetheart. That better be one hell of a show. And remember, these people booed Santa Claus... if they don't sense a proper amount of conviction in your muff-diving, they will boo your ass, too.

Calling the play from the sidelines [Philadelphia Daily News]

I'm no detective, but it sounds like some kind of exchange of bodily fluids was about to take place. And the Vikings are leaving me with no choice but to believe that they have some kind of a pool going about who can have sex in either the most unusual public place, or in the most public places. Nice try, Dwight Smith, but Fred Smoot still has you trumped with the double header on a cruise ship. Just imagine all the ones we haven't heard about. I wonder if Jermaine Wiggins has given it to anyone on the Metrodome roof.

This has got to please Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, who's vowed to clean up the club's sullied image. In fact, they just released Koren Robinson because of it. Depth at free safety might be a little harder for the Vikes to come by, though, so Dwight Smith might be safe. Regardless, it might be a good idea for the Vikings to write some kind of a "fuck at home" clause into all future contracts.

Apparently, Dwight Smith Likes To Do It In Stairwells [10,000 Takes]
Robinson is released by Vikings [StarTribune.com]
Vikings' Dwight Smith cited for indecent conduct [StarTribune.com]

G-oh-oh-ooal! Come on England! Go 45 minutes each way with this mini orgasm machine and you'll feel like you've won the world cup of sex! And if you get sent for an early bath, no problem - the Victory Vibe is totally waterproof!

Well, that sounds promising. Reasonably priced at £9.99, too. And that is, by no stretch of the imagination, the only World Cup-themed sex product out there. A company called Beate Uhse AG has vibrators featuring not just teams or countries, but actual players. Michael Ballack, Oliver Kahn, and David Beckham each have their own models. Ballack and Kahn are have filed injunctions to get the sales stopped.

I love the post here at There's Your Karma, Ripe as Peaches. She supports the player-themed vibrators, and... well, she sounds like she knows something on the subject. I'm taking her word for it.

World Cup Themed Vibrators Upset Kahn and Ballack [There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches]
Bringing the World Cup into the Bedroom [Spiegel Online]
England World Cup Victory Vibe [LoveHoney.co.uk]

By the way, I'm feeling a little Mike Cooper-ish at the moment.. I'm not at a public library, but I am at a Barnes & Noble, and I am looking at a webpage selling vibrators. I'm fucking petrified that Carl Monday's going to pop out from behind the Sudoku section or something. If he does, I'm throwing coffee in his face and running like hell in the other direction.

It's difficult to find a group picture big enough to tell exactly what we're working with on the Super Falcons, but regardless, I encourage them all to express their love for each other in whatever way they see fit. And from what I can gather, they are the dominant team on the continent, so maybe there's something to the idea of teammates loving each other in that special way.

I think the New York Knicks should try it. Nothing else is going to work for them, so do your thing, Steve Francis. Just because you can't start doesn't mean that you can't contribute. Get in that locker room and kiss someone, Franchise.

Lesbianism Plagues Nigeria Team [Accra Daily Mail] via [Sports Hooligan]

He was ordered to stay away from the team as they trained in Switzerland, and was not granted a credential to coach in the Torino games. I'm not sure how that's different from just firing him, but Nardiello opted to go to Switzerland anyway, and thus, he has been canned.

The USOC had eight different reasons for denying him the credential, one of which was his violatoin of their no-sex-between-coaches-and-athletes rule. He has reportedly been engaging in some hardcore luge action with New Zealand skeletoner (I don't think that's a word) Kelly Moffat, who has her own website here.

I think it's safe to say that no one in the world has gotten more enjoyment out of the world of skeleton than has Tim Nardiello.

I have a fantasy that I would like to live out. As you guessed it. You come over in a Roethlisberger jersey, bend me over and (ahem) me. I don't want a relationship but would like this fantasy filled before the Super Bowl. Thanks.

Somewhere in Pittsburgh right now, there's a dude behind this woman saying, "Yeah, that's it. Mmhmm. I'm Ben Roethlisbeger. The Steelers don't get any respect. No one believes we can do this, girl. Oh yeah, baby. I'm doing this for Jerome, baby. It's all about Jerome right now. Uggggh. You like that? Do you like my backwards hat, girl? Ohhhhh. Get a Fathead, baby. You have got to get a Fathead. That's it, girl. Damn, my beard is ridiculous."

Will you dress up as Roethlisberger? - w4m - 21 [craigslist]

• Manchester City 3-1 Manchester United. They call this rivalry the "Manchester Derby," but all morning on Fox Soccer Channel, they were pronouncing it "darby," which planted the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'Arby firmly in my head for the rest of the day. The Blues won behind a goal by Trevor Sinclair on a sweet little spin move, and then Robbie Fowler put them away with a late goal.

And in other soccer news, earlier this week Will told you about Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole getting his ass whooped over a girl (that link isn't safe for work, but it is spectacular). Well, thanks to Sherm for passing along the following note from the popbitch newsletter:

The real story of Joe Cole's bust-up at a Page 3 girl's house? We hear he was shagging topless model Keely over the sink in her bathroom when her boyfriend walked in. And Joe didn't so much "flee" through a window as "was propelled" through it.

The bathroom sink? Strictly a class move. See, soccer can be awesome.