Since there's only a couple of hours remaining until kickoff, I'm assuming that this has already gone down, or is right now a part of a bad-ass tailgate party. I also feel pretty safe in assuming that A.J. Daulerio was somehow involved with this. I know he wouldn't give up playoff tickets for the privilege, but he probably could've seen the show for free, just by mentioning that he is, in fact, the balls.

I am somewhat underwhelmed, however, by the offer these young ladies have put on the table. These tickets are worth hundreds of dollars, and they can't even bring themselves to touch anyone for them? That's weak, sweetheart. That better be one hell of a show. And remember, these people booed Santa Claus... if they don't sense a proper amount of conviction in your muff-diving, they will boo your ass, too.

Calling the play from the sidelines [Philadelphia Daily News]

I'm no detective, but it sounds like some kind of exchange of bodily fluids was about to take place. And the Vikings are leaving me with no choice but to believe that they have some kind of a pool going about who can have sex in either the most unusual public place, or in the most public places. Nice try, Dwight Smith, but Fred Smoot still has you trumped with the double header on a cruise ship. Just imagine all the ones we haven't heard about. I wonder if Jermaine Wiggins has given it to anyone on the Metrodome roof.

This has got to please Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, who's vowed to clean up the club's sullied image. In fact, they just released Koren Robinson because of it. Depth at free safety might be a little harder for the Vikes to come by, though, so Dwight Smith might be safe. Regardless, it might be a good idea for the Vikings to write some kind of a "fuck at home" clause into all future contracts.

Apparently, Dwight Smith Likes To Do It In Stairwells [10,000 Takes]
Robinson is released by Vikings [StarTribune.com]
Vikings' Dwight Smith cited for indecent conduct [StarTribune.com]

G-oh-oh-ooal! Come on England! Go 45 minutes each way with this mini orgasm machine and you'll feel like you've won the world cup of sex! And if you get sent for an early bath, no problem - the Victory Vibe is totally waterproof!

Well, that sounds promising. Reasonably priced at £9.99, too. And that is, by no stretch of the imagination, the only World Cup-themed sex product out there. A company called Beate Uhse AG has vibrators featuring not just teams or countries, but actual players. Michael Ballack, Oliver Kahn, and David Beckham each have their own models. Ballack and Kahn are have filed injunctions to get the sales stopped.

I love the post here at There's Your Karma, Ripe as Peaches. She supports the player-themed vibrators, and... well, she sounds like she knows something on the subject. I'm taking her word for it.

World Cup Themed Vibrators Upset Kahn and Ballack [There's Your Karma, Ripe As Peaches]
Bringing the World Cup into the Bedroom [Spiegel Online]
England World Cup Victory Vibe [LoveHoney.co.uk]

By the way, I'm feeling a little Mike Cooper-ish at the moment.. I'm not at a public library, but I am at a Barnes & Noble, and I am looking at a webpage selling vibrators. I'm fucking petrified that Carl Monday's going to pop out from behind the Sudoku section or something. If he does, I'm throwing coffee in his face and running like hell in the other direction.

It's difficult to find a group picture big enough to tell exactly what we're working with on the Super Falcons, but regardless, I encourage them all to express their love for each other in whatever way they see fit. And from what I can gather, they are the dominant team on the continent, so maybe there's something to the idea of teammates loving each other in that special way.

I think the New York Knicks should try it. Nothing else is going to work for them, so do your thing, Steve Francis. Just because you can't start doesn't mean that you can't contribute. Get in that locker room and kiss someone, Franchise.

Lesbianism Plagues Nigeria Team [Accra Daily Mail] via [Sports Hooligan]

He was ordered to stay away from the team as they trained in Switzerland, and was not granted a credential to coach in the Torino games. I'm not sure how that's different from just firing him, but Nardiello opted to go to Switzerland anyway, and thus, he has been canned.

The USOC had eight different reasons for denying him the credential, one of which was his violatoin of their no-sex-between-coaches-and-athletes rule. He has reportedly been engaging in some hardcore luge action with New Zealand skeletoner (I don't think that's a word) Kelly Moffat, who has her own website here.

I think it's safe to say that no one in the world has gotten more enjoyment out of the world of skeleton than has Tim Nardiello.

I have a fantasy that I would like to live out. As you guessed it. You come over in a Roethlisberger jersey, bend me over and (ahem) me. I don't want a relationship but would like this fantasy filled before the Super Bowl. Thanks.

Somewhere in Pittsburgh right now, there's a dude behind this woman saying, "Yeah, that's it. Mmhmm. I'm Ben Roethlisbeger. The Steelers don't get any respect. No one believes we can do this, girl. Oh yeah, baby. I'm doing this for Jerome, baby. It's all about Jerome right now. Uggggh. You like that? Do you like my backwards hat, girl? Ohhhhh. Get a Fathead, baby. You have got to get a Fathead. That's it, girl. Damn, my beard is ridiculous."

Will you dress up as Roethlisberger? - w4m - 21 [craigslist]

• Manchester City 3-1 Manchester United. They call this rivalry the "Manchester Derby," but all morning on Fox Soccer Channel, they were pronouncing it "darby," which planted the song "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'Arby firmly in my head for the rest of the day. The Blues won behind a goal by Trevor Sinclair on a sweet little spin move, and then Robbie Fowler put them away with a late goal.

And in other soccer news, earlier this week Will told you about Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole getting his ass whooped over a girl (that link isn't safe for work, but it is spectacular). Well, thanks to Sherm for passing along the following note from the popbitch newsletter:

The real story of Joe Cole's bust-up at a Page 3 girl's house? We hear he was shagging topless model Keely over the sink in her bathroom when her boyfriend walked in. And Joe didn't so much "flee" through a window as "was propelled" through it.

The bathroom sink? Strictly a class move. See, soccer can be awesome.