•Not only do SEC replay booths not use HD screens, but they say it's not worth making the switch. Also, that play where Patrick Peterson clearly stayed in bounds? They accidentally DVR'd The Mentalist over it.

•Want to know what makes Sidney Crosby so good? Evgeni Malkin. In the sixth game without the real MVP in the lineup, Sid The Kid extended his point-less streak to five games, and the Pens fell to Boston.

•A four-minute replay review overturned Brad Miller's buzzer-almost-beater, and Denver hung on to top Chicago. Imagine that! The length of the game was extended in order to make the right call, and no one's calling for David Stern's head! You listening, Selig? Of course you're not. You fell asleep halfway through Leno.

•What's Larry Johnson worth? Not moving to the bottom of the waiver wire. No one claimed the, um, expressive RB, and he's free to sign anywhere. Except with the Chiefs. My sources tell me they have no plans of signing him.

•If Mauer, Jeter and Teixeira were hoping their defense would set them apart in the MVP race, well...all three won Gold Gloves. Also, Placido Polanco emerges as a dark horse candidate.

•A judge has blocked North Dakota from changing their nickname from the Fighting Sioux. In these trying times, with two wars being fought, it's just insensitive to name a team the Fighting anythings.

•The Tribune's Rick Morrissey said Joakim Noah would never be a useful player, and promised to eat the column if he was proven wrong. Well...

•At least one of the six umpires was actually paying attention, but bad calls wouldn't have made a difference anyway. Cliff Lee was nigh unhittable, and Philadelphia takes the opener.

•Had your fill of high-and-mighty Pennsylvanians yet? Sidney Crosby had a hat trick by the second intermission, and the Penguins have the best record in the east. But don't expect to hear about it from the fans; they can't hop on while their Steelers bandwagon is still moving.

•The Chiefs suspend Larry Johnson for two weeks, which is really just one game and the bye week. Normally teams are loathe to lose the production from their star, but I'm not sure they'll notice his 2.7 yards per carry when it's missing.

•Maybe it's foolish to panic after two games, but...maybe LeBron should start panicking after two games. His triple-double goes for naught as Toronto sends the Cavs to their first 0-2 start since his second season.

•Orlando Thomas: not dead! Which is good. He's still battling ALS though, which isn't good.

•The Buccaneers name first round pick Josh Freeman their starter, because what's the point of benching your talented young QB when you're not winning anyway? Apparently the Titans also have a young rookie they should be starting, one Vince Young. Haven't heard much about him.

•Finally, it's been making the rounds all day: the behind-the-back touchdown pass.

The page sent out a message this week about a poor city park in Minneapolis that had been "burned down" by angry gangs. So if Crosby's many fans could just send about $3,000, the park would be rebuilt or something and in exchange they would all get game-used autographed sticks. Oh, and if instead of writing a check to the Parks Deptaremnt or Crosby you could Western Union the money to "small time professional wrestler" Stephanie Biddlecom that would really be super.

Oh, where to begin. Of course, it's not Sidney. The man has $3,000 in the cushions of his couch. The postage on the sticks would cost more than that. At least the park actually exists, but naturally, there's nothing wrong with it.

The beautiful part is that even after being called out by the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Biddlecom continued to insist that it was all true. She says she met Crosby when his cousin began dating her sister and that she speaks to him almost everyday. That is dedication to the role. In fact, I'd say there's at least a 70% chance Biddlecom (pictured above) truly believes Sidney Crosby is her friend. Even Tommy Flanagan wouldn't go that far.

The fake Crosby page was actually debunked months ago by a couple of female hockey fans when they proved that Fake Sid was chatting with them online, while Real Sid was playing in a hockey game on their TVs. Also, those two women are not morons.

Biddlecom—who apparently grapples in Minneapolis gymnasiums under the name "Cerise Keller"—told the paper she's raised $2,250 dollars since Monday, but like everything else in her sad little world, that's probably a lie too. I really hope it is, anyway, because if anyone fell for this dopey plot then humanity is finished.

Crosby not involved in MySpace page about him that seeks $3000 [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]
Crosby impersonated on MySpace for 'fabricated' fundraiser [Puck Daddy]

Congrats, naturally, to the Penguins who had a shaky season, struggled to get into the playoffs, but slowly pulled it all together and ended up the best team in the league. It only took one more miracle save from Marc-Andre Fleury as time expired—much like one Chris Osgood made last year—to put the Red Wings away. Detroit made an amazing final push, and sporting events don't get much more thrilling than those final 3 minutes, but Pittsburgh was the better team and they earned their title.

A couple of final thoughts:

• Sidney Crosby is now the youngest captain to win the Stanley Cup and few will remember he spent the second half of the game hunched over in pain on the bench. Or that he appeared to skip the handshake line? (Am I wrong, or were most of the Red Wings in the locker room while he was still hugging assistants? Update: I was not wrong.) Those who consider Crosby to be a spoiled, fortunate son probably won't change their mind after tonight, but that's their issue, I guess.

• Marian Hossa. Ouch.

• How many times can Gary Bettman walk on the ice—in any and every NHL city—to a chorus of merciless boos before he gets the hint? You're there to oversee the biggest moment of the year for your industry and the only thing everyone can agree on is that you are a villainous bum. What is he hanging on to?

• Seriously. Amazing finish. At least everyone still has the Pirates to beat up on.

Penguins hold off Red Wings to take third Stanley Cup [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

Hockey tradition (well, superstition anyway) dictates that players not touch the conference championship trophies for fear of jinxing their shot to lift the Stanley Cup. There's nothing to it really, since several teams—including Mario Lemieux's championship Penguins—have carried both in the same season. And as Crosby himself pointed out, he didn't lay a finger on the trophy last year and look what that got him.

Speaking of last year, a win by the Red Wings tonight will set up a rematch of that Finals, won by the Wings in six games. It's hard to know how much either team has improved since then. Both had slightly worse regular seasons this year than last, but have looked more and more sharp has the playoffs have progressed. One can only hope that the Finals will be more like the thrilling second round of this year's postseason than the snoozer of a third. One thing is certain, however: Whatever Three Rivers bridges Bill Cowher didn't burn are now in worse shape the one on the River Kwai after the stunt he pulled last night. You might have grown up in North Carolina, but dude ... that's not cool.

Penguins' dress rehearsal for trophy display [Pittsburgh Post Gazette]
Some say Pens mightier than they used to be [Detroit Free Press]
Bill Cowher cranks Hurricanes' siren before Game 4 [NHL]
Related: Wings' Hotel Doesn't Carry Versus [Winging It In Motown]

At least we have two more chances to get some kind of thrilling finish to round two. Not that two goals in eight seconds wasn't exciting. Or watching Pittsburgh take batting practice on Simeon Varlamov. And one of the big stars in this marquee matchup did come through—an assist and two goals for Sidney Crosby, including a nail in the coffin breakaway. But it's safe to say that fans were hoping for a little more from this showdown and it didn't quite deliver. Maybe they'll get it from the Red Wings and Ducks? This is why you should always have a backup plan. Or two.

Fleury's theft on Ovechkin sparks Penguins [Pittsburgh Tribune-Review]
Sidney Crosby steals spotlight in Game 7 showdown [Sporting News]
Washington Capitals Crushed; D.C. Waits On Its Sports World To Change [State Sports]

Crosby broke almost every unwritten rule hockey has last week when he uppercutted Atlanta's Boris Valabik in the junk ... from behind ... with his gloves on. If he'd been listening to Maroon 5 on his iPod during all of this, we could have given him a lethal injection on the spot.

Crosby was clearly the third man into the fracas with Valabnik and that alone merited an automatic ejection, instead of the measly two-minute roughing call he received. The Thrashers have turned to the NHL for justice, and the NHL, once again, has disappointed.

"Here's the weird thing," Thrashers coach John Anderson said. "If he had punched him in the face, would he have gotten five minutes [for fighting]? A punch to the groin, is that two minutes? I'm going to have to phone [NHL vice president] Colin Campbell and get a verification on that rule."

Colin Campbell is easily the worst thing to happen to the NHL since composite sticks. If the league continues to curb fighting and take the act of retribution out of the players' hands, the office has to pick up the slack. They haven't. In fact, they've learned nothing since Todd Bertuzzi. So if you're not a big "star" in the NHL, watch your junk, because Sid the Kid is a cheap-shoting, teste-punching machine. And there's nobody upstairs that intends to stop him.

With Crosby Disregard, NHL Obviously Endorses Genital Walloping [Puck Daddy]

And because that wasn't bad enough, Crosby then throws a couple of haymakers at his opponent's balls. Because they had it coming, you see.

Ah, hockey. So delightfully violent. Don't you ever change.

Puck Headlines: Sidney Crosby trains on Valabik's speed bag [Puck Daddy]

Hark! Sidney Christ hath returned for Pittsburgh, bestowing upon Maxime Talbot an assist for winning games! Rejoice! Foppa hath been resurrected in the land of the Rockies, making the Prophet Woody Paige's nipples hard! Holy shit! Craig Anderson the Horny just broke one of Hasek's records, and Florida's hockey lepers may be cured! Huzzah!

Beginning with Forsberg: His ankle held up for the first 20 minutes of his comeback, and he partied like it was the cover of NHL '98 for PlayStation. No points in Colorado's 2-1 win over Vancouver — which, combined with Nashville's 5-1 draaaaainage! of the Oilers, places the Canuckleheads two points out of the final Campbell Conference playoff slot. But Forsberg was feisty and skated smoother than a shot of Absolut 100. It was enough to make Woody Paige write like Mike Lupica in the Denver Post: "The Splendid Swede skated very well, passed very well, stick-handled very well, shot very well, absorbed hits very well, gave in return very well, stole the puck very well and, generally seemed, physically, very well." Very well, then...

Crosby found the score sheet in his first game back, assisting on Maxime Talbot's eventual game-winner in the Penguins' 2-0 victory...in the Penguins' 2-0 victory in Tampa. The Malkin MVP talk will subside now that The Crosby Show's been renewed and Ovechkin is scoring first-period hat-tricks, but there's no denying his hand in the Disciples of Sidney Christ going 11-6-4 while their savior was on the shelf. Lost in all of this is ConkBlock, who watched from a now-familiar bench as Marc-Andre Five-Hole stopped 35 shots for his second straight win. And as the incomparable Pensblog mentioned in its recap this morning, the Penguins are getting one more biblical figure back this Sunday for the Caps game: Holy Hoses.

But the big news is that Crosby's back, which means hockey broadcasters are preparing to rhetorically Fellate him at every turn. And it might sound a little something like this, complete with Sidney's tales of chasing Mario around the house with a wet bath towel:

That's One Too Many. The Flyers lose a key game to the Sabres, 5-2. They get absolutely jobbed as Derek Roy was the fifth Buffalo player in a 4-on-4 situation, the refs missed it and Roy scored what would be the game-winner. And they watch Danny Briere join the M*A*S*H unit that is their scoring leaders with a sprained shoulder. But you know what the beautiful thing about being a Flyers fan is? Seeing Scottie Upshall take out Henrik Tallinder nearly makes it all feel better. Ah, the warm blanket of unadulterated violence.

It's Called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's Illegal in Nine Countries. As we've covered this week, Florida Panthers goalie Craig Anderson has an eye for the Ice Girls. I'm sure the Panthers don't mind if he's leering at the scenery if he's stopping 133 of 134 shots, like he has over the last three games. Florida beat the Bruins, 1-0, on Nathan Horton's OT goal; Anderson stopped 40 shots and has made 105 consecutive saves, breaking Hasek's 1989-90 mark for most saves in back-to-back shutouts. The Panthers are now five points behind Carolina for the division lead, and actually have a shot at winning it with two games apiece left against the Canes and the Capitals and four (!) against the fuck-this-shit-we're-in-the-lottery Thrashers. Is Craig Anderson this year's goalie that comes out of nowhere to kick his team's ass into the postseason? And by that, I mean this year's version of Wade "Dubie" Dubielewicz, who once again saved the Islanders' bacon in relief, with a 4-3 skills competition win over the Rangers last night. All I know is: There are enough community colleges and strip clubs in South Florida to keep Anderson in Ice Girls for the rest of the season.

Meanwhile, I think this pretty accurately symbolizes the last two games for the Bruins:

Puck Headlines

* In honor of Brett Fah-ver-uh's retirement (at least until his inevitable change of heart this summer), a look back at hockey's greatest un-retirements. Let's see Brett hang around as long as Gordie Howe did, and play on the same offense as his sons. [Battle of California]

* If you believe in the "Final Destination"-style injury curse that has befallen the Colorado Avalanche, then Ruslan Salei is pretty much screwed. [Jibblescribbits]

* Today's YouTube embarrassment sweeping the hockey blogosphere: Scott Hamilton and Kurt Browning starring in some sort of queer "West Side Story"-meets-hockey-practice-meets-"Stomp" figure skating music video. And by "queer" I mean "homosexual." Not "peculiar." [The FanHouse]

* Color me stupid, but I was unaware that National Lampoon had a sports blog. I was also unaware they have attractive blondes writing about Vladamir Putin's apparent love of hockey. I am aware, however, that "Vegas Vacation" is sadly underrated. Worth the Netflix just to see that scene in the budget casino. [National Lampoon Splog]

* Finally, say hello to the wave of the future: The Ovech-Kam. All Ovechkin, all the time. It's like "Big Brother," expect people will watch it, and instead of Julie Chen, you get Viktor Kozlov. And that, my friends, is called "trading up." [On Frozen Blog]

Eva Construction. Like all hockey writers, I get most of my good gossip from one source: "Sports Illustrated for Kids." Sidney Crosby, who's been on more magazine covers recently than a harried Britney Spears rushing into family court with giant sunglasses and a flask of Cuervo, is featured in the February issue of SI Kids, listing his favorite things in life for the dedicated readership; including his favorite actor (Denzel) and actress: the handsome Eva Mendes. Since she can't act ("Ghost Rider" ... seriously?), I think it's safe to assume Sidney is simply jonesing for an incredibly attractive and quite famous woman - it ain't the first time her name's come up. Wayne had his Janet, Fedorov had his Kournikova ...hell, even Comrie has his Duff. So how do we get these knuckleheads together for the NHL's next super couple? And then, for the betterment of hockey, force them to breed...

We simply can't wait to see if St. Louis's Brad Boyes ever gets around to hooking up with Elizabeth Hurley. Crosby is on the cusp of serious mainstream crossover appeal (thanks, Gatorade and Reebok). It's time to fix him up with a babe comely enough that I'd be willing to hang a PETA poster in my rec room; get him to the premiere of lousy movies and her to bite her lip nervously from the owner's box during playoff games. Sure, Sidney's 20 and Mendes will be 34 this year: très scandaleux! Do you know how old Carol Alt was when she hooked up with Alexei Yashin? Sixty-one. Look it up. On second thought, please don't.

I don't care if Mendes is in a relationship. I don't care if Sidney has a girlfriend either, because it'll just get in the way of his giving Eva Mendes a Men's Fitness cover shot on her chin. All I know is that if these two get together and hit it off, we could have a hockey Messiah in about 19 years: A beautiful Cuban-American-Canadian kid that the ladies would love, who also has incredible puck instincts and Gretzky-like sonar. (Get to work on that Photoshop, Pensblog.) The kind of boundary-busting marketing sensation that gets Republicans all giddy about George P. Bush running for office one day. Think of the possibilities: Along with NBC, ESPN, ESPN 2, The Ocho, Versus and HDNet Telemundo could broadcast a few Stanley Cup Finals games, too. Even Bettman couldn't screw up marketing Crosby/Mendes spawn.

By the way, that photo on the SI Kids cover is how the League preserved Sidney during the lockout before he was given to Mario.

Aboot Last Night. Parity, thy name is the Atlantic Division. Isles beat the Devils for the fifth time this season, the Flyers beat the Panthers and the Rangers topped the Sabres, closing the gap between first and last place in the division to six points. And while his team has gone winless in 10 games, Buffalo's Lindy Ruff seems more concerned with trying to get Brendan Shanahan suspended. And while Minnesota should be worried about goalie Josh Harding's groin injury after a 3-2 shootout loss to Calgary, it should be more worried that 26-year-old Aaron Voros took a Tyson-like uppercut from a 36-year-old Owen Nolan last night:

Puck Headlines

* The Toronto media passes around the crack pipe one more time and comes up with the latest Leafs panacea: Pat Quinn. [The Toronto Sun.]

* Interchangeable Parts makes a "Stella" reference and gives the Devils new mustaches: "Jamie Langenbrunner - The Pancho Villa, as 'fuck this shit' a mustache as you're likely to find." [ Interchangeable Parts]

* Dallas could move into first place with a win over San Jose tonight. Or it could miss the playoffs entirely. One of the two. []

* While blatant self-pimping is frowned upon here (*cough* buyleitch'sbook *cough*), I must point you to my coverage of Chris Pronger's interview with Jim Rome yesterday in which many listeners thought he accused bitter Oilers fans of breaking into his house, stealing his old furniture and burning his child's crib. Turns out that just like every episode of "Three's Company," it was all just a big misunderstanding. And that Pronger is still a contentious shit-for-brains. [FanHouse]

* McFarlane Toys announced its latest NHL dolls action figures. [Spawn.com]

* Mirtle reveals his latest bit of analytical genius: The hottest 30 players over the past 30 days. Somehow that dreamy Lecavalier didn't make the cut. [Mirtle]

* Finally, just as it seemed like ESPN was making nice with hockey, it unleashes Jemele Hill on Wayne Gretzky. [ESPN]

We're trying to imagine how this evening began.

"Honey, thanks for coming to the game with me tonight."
"No problem. I want to support your love of the Penguins. You're not gonna, like, paint your face or anything, are you?"
"Ha, no, that's only for intense crazy fans. I just like to put on an old hoodie and cheer for the Pens."
"Oh, cool. Hey, so I might make a sign."
"That's great! I'm so touched you're taking an interest in something I care about. What's that you're writing? Oh, I see, Crosby, yeah ... oh ... oh my ... dear ... uh, I don't think you should ..."
"Why does it always have to be about YOU?!"

We're kind of confused the identity of all the other four holes, by the way. Perhaps we just lack imagination.

Best Fan Request Ever! [PopJocks]