Thrill to "Hitting For Power" with Tom Beall, "Mr. Softball" Don Arndt, and Rick "Crusher" Scherr!

I don't even know.

Typically, it would seem preposterous for the Bristal All-Stars to claim to understand the fundamentals of baseball better than one of the professional teams in town. Nothing about the Mets, though, is particularly typical. After all, who would you rather have catching a fly ball with a game on the line: Luis Castillo or Joe Friedman, 73, of Oceanside? That's what I thought.

The genesis of the geezers' idea was fairly serendipitous, as all the best ones are. Archimedes sat around in his bathtub and saved the mathematical world. The All-Stars whined about the Mets until — Eureka! — they decided to shoot a film to save Citi Field. They're regular Tom Emanskis.

First, I called the team's manager, 78-year-old Harry Schwarzkopf. I introduced myself and told him I cover the Mets for The Star-Ledger, to which he responded, "Oh. I feel sorry for you."

He then put me in touch with Howard Cannon, a spokesman for the assisted living company that sponsors the softball league. Cannon said the seniors got the idea after watching Luis Castillo's drop at Yankee Stadium last month.

"Like any other players, the guys were moaning and groaning about the lack of fundamentals," Cannon said. "They said we have to do something, and that's what we ended up doing. Guys wanted to tutor players."

Make sure you take notes, Johan Santana. Rumor has it Sal Frosina has a nasty arc on his pitch. And batters, beware: Grandpa's not afraid to throw over your head.

Senior softball players create videos to help Mets [Newsday]
Senior softball players create video to instruct bumbling Mets [Star-Ledger]

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Miraculously, It Survived

Playoffs for my co-rec team in the Fall of '06. I am a spotty hitter at best and probably had not gotten a hit all night. I hit a great ball to dead center that almost rolled to the fence. I am probably the slowest girl alive and tried to leg out a triple. Having never learned how to slide, I slid with my right leg straight into the non-breakaway bag causing a spiral fracture high on my ankle. I don't know why I even slid, the third baseman hadn't caught anything all night. I was safe and obviously couldn't run, but wanted to stay cause I thought it was just a sprain. We were playing against the local hospital's team, they braced my ankle and told me to go to the emergency room, which was probably a good idea because my teammates said they heard a loud pop. We lost and I was in a cast for four months.

Another Bullshit Night In Staple City

I've played centerfield most of my life because I'm fast (like the wind). Sometimes when you're that fast you can only half hear teammates scream fence!! while running backwards full speed, head tilted back, cross bar of chain link fence meet head at full speed. Ball was about 10 ft. over a 12ft. fence. I'm told (by my mom who was way in the stands) that my head made a good tone on the fence. Reached up touched blood, felt flesh, ran in to shortstop who was an EMT and asked how it looked. He replied, "it does not look good." Mommy take me to the ER. Staple city.
Ed
injury on Long Island

Save The Girl, Ruin The Leg

I was on 1st base after a single. The batter grounded to short, so I slid at 2nd as to not kill the girl playing second. However, I was wearing shorts, because, shit, I'm playing beer league softball. The ensuing scab took about 14 days to heal, and at around the first week the plasma dripping down from it was epic.

(first picture is immediately after...)

(Then the second week in...)

Rule One Of Company Softball: Do Not Maim The CEO's 12-Year-Old Son

Alright, I held back from writing in this story because it's old and there's no pictures, but what the hell.

I played baseball up through college, taking a couple years off to recover from leg injuries. However I never lost my over-competetive spirit.

When I was young, I had a job with a small company back home; part-time on the weekends, full-time every summer. Usually, right after I got back to full-time there was the annual company "outing" at a summer camp in the area with a cookout, pool and a company slow-pitch softball game. The very first season I worked for the company, I showed up for the outing ready to play some softball. I hadn't played any organized sports in a little over two years, and I couldn't wait to get back. Keep in mind - this is a family event...

Early in the game, I was in right field because nobody really knew me and they needed somebody to play out there. The teams were picked by President of the company vs. CEO, and I was on the President's team. I'm out in right field with a couple runners on base and a guy flips a fly ball deep to right. I camp out under it and get ready to throw home to catch the kid tagging up at third. Yes, the "kid" - also known as the CEO's 12-year old son. The CEO was playing catcher and not really paying attention to my throw coming towards home plate; he was too busy goofing with his son like he was going to tackle him so he couldn't score. Unfortunately, my throw went up the third baseline about three feet... and hit the kid square in the shoulder, bounced off and clipped him in the head. He started crying, and I felt sick. I had only been with the company for like a month, and I thought I'd get fired for it. The kid came off the field after touching home plate, and he was fine on the bench. Until three innings later.

I was batting - I'm a lefty - and the same kid was playing second base. He was more interested in staring at the bugs crawling around on the ground... so he wasn't really paying attention when I smoked a one-hopper directly at him, and off of his knee. Broke his kneecap. This time, I was certain I was getting fired by the CEO on the spot. He came out to check on his kid and stare daggers at me, then they left for the hospital.

The next Monday morning, there was a note on my desk from the President of the company - "You're on my team from now on". That's all it said. I stayed with the company for five years, coming back every summer up through my junior year of college and playing in the company game and a couple of local rec-league tournaments. The CEO rarely spoke to me from that day on, and with good reason. I never saw his kid at the company outing again. But at least I always had a spot on the "roster" if I wanted it.

No, He Did Not Get Attacked By A Shark

Hey guys,

I have a pic to submit of my own softball fail injury. This gash required 25 stitches (though many of them are hidden under the skin now).

First inning of the game, I'm on first base and my girlfriend is up to bat with two outs. She hits a weak grounder to the SS, and I feel like Mr. Big Shot and try to take out the second base girl with a stylish slide.

Not only was I out by a country mile, but when I got up, I looked down to notice a monster gash on my lower left leg and blood all over my shoe! The cut was about 1.5 inches wide and a good 7 inches long.

So instead of a good hustle play getting me pats on the back, I get a ride to the hospital and juicy scar. All this for the lowest level co-ed rec league in the city :(

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

This Is Why You Shouldn't Wear Sunglasses

It was July 8th, 2008. I don't like softball, I don't play, I wasn't on the team. My friends were short a girl on their co-ed team and begged me to play so they wouldn't have to forfeit. Regretfully, I gave in and said "just this one time, I really don't want to do, but I'll do it." It was my second time around the bases, I was safe at second, turned to look for the ball and the right fielder threw a fast pitch to get me out, the ball hit me centered in my right eye socket and knocked me right over. I had sunglasses on which shattered and caused the stitches. I broke my nose in two places and cracked my orbital floor down the center. I still don't like softball, and will really never play again!

Yaaaaaaaaay!

My cousin and I were sitting on the asphalt baseball field in Thompkins Square Park one afternoon smoking a joint. Just as we finished the field filled with a large group of guys warming up for a softball game. They were playing barehand with one of those big mushy balls. Without realizing it we kind of got sucked in and joined the game. We must have been incredibly high because it wasn't until we warmed up for a while and split into teams that we realized we were playing with a bunch of retards. Literally. They weren't completely spastic, but they were definitely a little off. I guess what you call high functioning.

We split up and each of us took one team. The game was pretty good, actually, as the mushy ball and powerful skunk evened the playing field a bit. The best part, though was the bench chatter. I called out "C'mon, just make contact!" to one of my hitters. One of the kids next to me heard that and started repeating it. Again and again. Soon the whole bench picked it up and everyone started yelling it at the hitter. And the next hitter. My team was still yelling for the hitter to "just make contact" when they were playing the field. They made up for any real grasp of the game with their enthusiasm. Later we all had fun when I introduced them to such classics as "Pitcher has a rubber arm" and "Hitter takes the short bus", both of which they chanted enthusiastically.

This Girl's A Gamer

It was the end of the fourth inning and we were tied with the apposing team. I was catcher as always because I am possibly the worst softball player to have ever attempted this game. With ever ball that came my way I would jump out of the way and run to get the rolling ball that passed me. Unfortunately this time there was no moving out of the way. The batter swung and the ball ricocheted of off the bat making a b-line for me face. Not really knowing what had just happened I went, picked up the ball and threw it back to the pitcher and got back in my "catching" stance. At this point I started bleeding from where the stitches had broken the skin above my eyebrow. Everyone was frozen in place by what had just happened and that I was oblivious to it. One of the guys in outfield said that the sound it made when it hit my face was the same as when the ball hit the bat. Although a few advised me to sit out the rest of the game I played until the end. After all I wanted to make sure that I played a part (although minor) in winning. We ended up winning the game along with the championship that night. The next day I ended up going to the ER where I was told that I had a concussion and would need surgery. I am still waiting for my surgery
date (it's not life or death, just a few fractured bones) but they say it will be a 6 hour procedure. At least we won... right?

Stretch Out More Next Time

I handled running from the bar to the softball fields with 2 mins to spare with no problem. Leading off and trying to beat out a throw to first was a bit more of an issue. 4-Days after a pulled hammy attached.

I've been watching a lot of college softball lately. It's that time of year, isn't it? The softball failure series is ticking along just fine, and my intramural softball team beat up on fraternities before losing to the future clergymen of America (they had God on their side).

So maybe that's why I decided to open up everyone's day with this shot, from an anonymous tipster's high school softball game. Plus, there weren't really any alternatives.

And in case you were wondering, this was ball three.

*****

Good morning. It's the Sunday before Memorial Day — one day at a time. Some good stuff on tap today, so let's give it 110 percent before the bye tomorrow.

Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to tips@deadspin.com. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.

Because 16 Inches Is Just Too Much To Handle

As a sub for my cousin's 12-inch team a few summers ago, I came across a sharp grounder off the bat of a large, black man. I had it read until a conveniently-placed rock decided my face was looking far too pretty.I stick to 16-inch now; besides, it's more fun. If anything, the chicks dug the black eye, which I had for about six months during my senior year of college at Tony Romo U.

Sometimes You Feel Like A...

I play in a beer league, neighborhood, slow pitch softball league. I was in left center, when the batter hit a hard line drive. I go flying towards it and right as I am about to dive for it, I realize that I have misjudged it and it is hooking toward me. But it is too late and I end up getting my glove past it as it hooks straight into my nuts. It caught the tip of the frank, but the brunt of it was on my left bean. The end result was me writhing in pain for the next few minutes. I stayed in the game and about 2 innings later I am on first. The guy up after me is a lefty who hits absolute pills. He hits one right at me about nut high. All I could do was turn away from it and it hit me on my thigh. Had I not turned, it would have hit me right in the nuts again. I now have a swollen nut and huge softball shaped welt on my thigh. Despite all this I went 5-5 and we won, but the beers after were much needed.

Put Some Tussin On It

After playing years of softball in either long pants or high socks to salvage skin when sliding, I suddenly got the bright idea in our Boston softball league that just wearing shorts would be fine. Bad choice...

This Story Could Really Use A Picture

What up...So about 6 years ago I'm playing with a bunch of older guys (50's) in an older league (I was 24 at the time) and I'm on 1st with the bases loaded when the oldest guy on the team comes up to bat (lefty) and proceeds to hit a floater JUST over the 2nd baseman's head. Base hit right? All runners move up right? Nope. I knew who was hitting so just before the pitch he hit was thrown I scoped the outfielders out to see where they were and sure enough they moved in…ALOT! I was sorta in no man's land when the ball was hit thinking that the 2nd baseman would catch it so not wanting to get doubled off of 1st (the old guys would never let me live it down) I only took a step or 2 off…watching the ball the whole way. Yep…he missed it. It went a foot over his glove so I take off! I must have taken only 2 more steps before I could see the right fielder ALREADY coming up with the ball so I'm thinking its gonna be a pretty close play at 2nd if he tries to get me (he was literally 20 feet away from 2nd with the ball) or maybe he'll get greedy and try to get the force at home or 3rd since the other base runners were OLD. Nope – he's going to 2nd. I can see him scooping the ball and lining up his throw to 2nd as I'm running so knowing it's gonna be close I dive head first into 2nd. PING! The guy fires the ball into 2nd JUST as I'm sliding and it pegs me in the back side of my head and ricochets straight toward 3rd base and goes over the bleachers on that side of the field without ever touching the ground. I'm laying on the ground now…right hand on the bag and my left hand trying to push myself up enough to shake the cobwebs off and clear the instant headache I got when I hear a voice ask if "I'm ok" to which I respond "sure". When I looked up to see who asked how I was doing I couldn't tell who it was because both teams had surrounded me on the field so I just put my head back down – spit out the mouthful of chaw I had in and proceeded to try to stand up. When I split my chaw out I heard one guy say – "man that's the weirdest blood I've ever seen" – to which everybody laughed and then that provoked another guy to say – "did you hear how loud that was when it hit his head?" – to which there was more laughter….then as I'm still trying to get up (hand on the bag mind you) I hear someone say "Ummm Yeah…you can take your hand off the base James…you were safe ace". Haha – good one – all that stuff I hear from the guys as I'm collecting myself when finally one last guy says "wow – I can see the stitches from the ball on your head…that's probably not good" (I had a Marine haircut) So I say "yeah yeah – get away from me – I'm fine – leave me alone – play ball!" Next guy up smokes one to left so I'm thankful I get to trot around the bases and was going to score easily - that was until I hit 3rd base and must have had my equilibrium all sorts of off cuz I flaked on stepping flat on the bag and rolled my ankle so I had to crawl home where I was safe by about 2 feet. I never took a picture of my head but you could see the laces from the ball for about 4 days after this happened…oh and I went into shock the same night I got drilled.

Hey, Doug Ludwig — You Fucking Suck

OK, so this isn't a gruesome injury story. But it must be told. Last week we were in the top of the 7th inning down a few runs. I'm on third base, and a rally is on the way. Then, the guy up at the plate for us took the first pitch. OK, cool. Being selective. It was a good pitch, but whatever. Then, the second pitch, probably the prettiest slow-pitch you'll ever see, goes RIGHT BY the batter and falls for strike three (we start with a 1-1 count). I know, hard to believe, but this dude STRUCK OUT LOOKING IN D-LEAGUE SLOW-PITCH SOFTBALL IN A CRUCIAL MOMENT. A grown man. Never took the bat off his shoulders. Struck out looking. That's it to the story. But that's as damn gruesome as someone losing an eye or getting hit in the junk with a bat. His name is Doug Ludwig, and I have attached his picture. I hope this makes the cut, because I want to be able to rag on him for this and have official deadspin proof that he did what 99 of 100 people who have ever played softball would castrate themselves for letting happen.
Thanks - Dan in Columbia, MO

At a Minnesota Junior College Athletic Conference state tournament game last Friday, the Central Lakes College softball team and coach Heidi Rogge (pictured right), beat Rochester Community and Technical College on an apparent walk off home run in the seventh inning. This is, until, Rochester's coach, Jean Musgjerd (pictured left), noticed that the batter slapped hands with a few of her teammates before she crossed home plate. The nerve! So Musgjerd literally got out her rule book—it's in there—and pointed out to the umps that such premature celebration is not allowed. They had no choice but to call the batter out. The game continued and Central Lakes—which had a no-hitter through seven—lost in extra innings.

"You don't want to win in that way, but you have to play by the rules," said Musgjerd, Rochester's coach since 1994. "You get schooled on the rulebook, and you find out really fast that you need to know it."

You don't want to win that way ... but you will. Even better, a closer reading of the rule book actually states that on first offense the team shall only be given a warning. Which means that "By The Rules" Musgjerd, as she likes to be known, played by incorrect rules and her team should have lost anyway. What does the rule book say about that?

Teammates' handslap to home run hitter erases victory [Minneapolis Star-Tribune]

A Knoxville, Tenn. softball coach has resigned after an incident in which members of her team, while on a spring break tournament trip in Myrtle Beach, allegedly forced freshmen teammates to strip in a hotel swimming pool and stay there for up to 15 minutes. Wait, wasn't this the plot to Adventureland? From WATE6 In Knoxville:

The parent also says Branum watched the incident and threatened the girls with running laps if they told others about the incident. In her resignation letter, Branum writes:

"It is with my deepest regret that I submit my resignation as the Head Coach of the Anderson County Softball team. During a recent spring break trip, an event occurred that I am extremely sorry that I allowed to happen and I take full responsibility. I would never do anything to put my team in harm's way or embarrass my team. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for any of my girls if they needed me. In the past two years, I've learned a lot about how hard it is to be a coach in today's environment and I am still learning. Please accept this letter of resignation with my sincerest apologies."

For responses from a couple of players who, apparently, were there, please visit the article's comments section. Those comments should also provide a chilling look into the state of education in Tennessee public schools.

Anderson Co. High Coach Resigns During Hazing Investigation [WATE6]

Rogge claimed certain IOC delegates took Bud Selig's crusade against performance enhancing drugs as a blight upon the sport and that softball got caught in a bad PR halo effect. He was careful to name Barry Bonds specifically. It was unfortunate, of course, but that might be what happened, in Rogge's words. You know, that Barry Bonds killed Olympic softball as well as baseball. And love. Barry Bonds killed love.

By the way, they're building a velodrome in Great Britain for 2012. Jus' sayin'.

(P.S. The video doesn't seem to be up on the NBC Olympics Web site or elsewhere. Let us know if you spot their arrival to the Nets.)

So is this the Japanese, softball version of the Miracle On Ice? In the most significant achievement for a Japanese female since O-Ren became head of the Ikuta Clan, Yukiko Ueno scattered five hits to lead Japan over the U.S. 3-1 in the gold medal game. What? (Checks notes). It was the Americans' first loss since 2000 — 22 straight games — in a tournament in which they had outscored opponents 60-3.

And it's not like they'll get a chance for revenge anytime soon: Softball will not be part of the 2012 Games in London; ironically due in part to the Americans' domination of the sport. Crystl Bustos' homer provided the U.S. with its only run, and now, sadly, she will not be able to achieve her dream of adding an "a" to her first name. While the U.S. team considered committing seppuku, the Japanese of course celebrated in the traditional way, by levitating their star player and leading her out of the stadium like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon.

• U.S. Beats Brazil In Soccer. Dogs And Cats, Living Toether ... Mass Hysteria. This just in; the U.S. women's soccer team — now officially labled as "scrappy" — beat Brazil 1-0 in overtime for the gold medal. Carli Lloyd's left-footed shot to the far post from outside the box won it in extra time. Brazil had beaten the U.S. 4-0 in the 2007 World Cup, so this was a surprise.

• Doh! ... Doh! Both the U.S. men's and women's 400-meter relay teams dropped the baton at key moments on Thursday — although I suppose that anytime during the race would qualify as a key moment — and once again we miss out on some gold medals. Darvis Patton and Tyson Gay misconnected on the final pass in preliminaries, and then Torri Edwards and Lauryn Williams did the same thing for the women's team.

• Hero Worship. Good piece by NBC's Alan Abrahamson on Michael Phelps' friendship with Stevie Hansen, a young boy who was stricken with cancer. Definitely worth a look.

• Why The Long Face? Four Olympic athletes banned for doping. Oh, did I mention they're all horses?

Meanwhile, in other non-Phelps swim news, Ryan Lochte and Aaron Peirsol set up a rematch in the 200 back, qualifying 1-2 in preliminary heats in 1 minute, 56.29 seconds and 1:56.35, respectively. They share the world record of 1:54.32. Lochte also earned a berth in the 200 IM final, winning his heat in 1:58.15.

• This Is Why They're Canceling Softball After These Olympics, You See. The U.S. threw its second consecutive no-hitter, dominating the Olympic softball competition like Germany dominated Lichtenstein in 1941. Cat Osterman struck out 13, including eight of the last 10, as the U.S. beat Australia 3-0. In three Olympic decisions dating to 2004, Osterman is 3-0 with a 0.00 ERA. Now this is how the U.S. men's team should be dominating in basketball.

• The Olympics Are Bad For Your Groin. Or so says With Leather.

• Nigeria, Please. The U.S. men's soccer team eliminated by Nigeria, 2-1. Where's Hirshey to make sense of all of this? In a clear case of Soccer Rage, the U.S. was playing without central midfielder Michael Bradley and midfielder Freddy Adu, who have both been suspended. And in the fourth minute on Wednesday, defender Michael Orozco was ejected for elbowing forward Solomon Okoronkwo.

• Oops. My Bad. In a mistake that the ever-forgiving Chinese government will have no problem with whatsoever, rower Zhang Liang, China's national single sculls champion, showed up for the wrong heat on Saturday and was disqualified. He was a favorite to win the gold medal.

Then, you have others who are trying everything in their power to destroy that notion by dilligently filling out a top ten list of "Next" Jennie Finches. You can all thank the Angry T for his progressive thinking after you take a look at
"Searching For The Next Jennie Finch at This Year’s College Softball World Series," where he does the yeoman's work of objectifying teenage athletes for the purposes of advancing this theory.

If I were a still gambling man, I'd say that Adrienne Acton has herself a pretty bright future too.

Commence having anonymous conversation about this topic that some people would find appalling.

Searching For The Next Jennie Finch At This Year's College World Series [The Angry T]

Senior Sara Tucholsky of Western Oregon University had just hit the first homer of her career, but broke down like Barbaro upon reaching first.

She crawled back to first but could do no more. The first-base coach said she would be called out if her teammates tried to help her. Or, the umpire said, a pinch runner could be called in, and the homer would count as a single. Then, members of the Central Washington University softball team stunned spectators by carrying Tucholsky around the bases Saturday so the three-run homer would count — an act that contributed to their own elimination from the playoffs.

An inspiring tale indeed, but not quite enough to dent my cynical exterior. I'd need to see Prince Fielder being carried around the bases by Carlos Zambrano for that to happen.

'Unbelievable' Sportsmanship In Softball Game [MSNBC]

Osburn pitched another shutout, sealing the record for fewest runs allowed in a season (one). Oh, and she pitched a no-hitter, too. Her 12th of the year. Take that, Nolan Ryan! (Seriously, check out the "Cabrini by the numbers" section of the linked article—26 straight shutouts? a .730 average for their leading hitter? Crazy.)

Her ERA ended at 0.04. You can't tell us she wouldn't do better in the bigs than Kip Wells.

This Is Not Your Mother's Softball [Three And Out]

PLEASE do me a big favor and beat tennesse they are sooo hard to look at...lol. Monica Abbot belongs on a farm...as a horse....haha. and the third basemen...dont even get me started with her hair...haha everytime she goes on the screen i laugh and say DIKE! okay okay...i wont be too mean...lol.

LOL, indeed! By the way, if you're like Sebastien Gacond and like to have sex with women, you might note that Ms. Mowatt is attractive.

Hottie Purrrr Kats Hurler Shuts Out Lady Vols for Championship [Mac Gs World]
Tarnye Mowatt MySpace [MySpace]
Guess The U of A Softball Player! [The Big Lead]

This, friends, is the College of Southern Idaho softball team and their VERY clever slogan this year. CSI — wee! — is a tiny junior college with an incredibly innovative way of promoting its players. They ask them if they're "shaven or unshaven."

No, seriously: From the press guide:

We've tried to think of anything else they could possibly be referring to — legs? Ugh — and haven't come up with a reasonable solution. They sure do know how to promote softball in southern Idaho.

Shaven Or Unshaven? [Statue Left]

No, really. "Senior Amy Harris is expected to miss a month with Bicipital Tendinitis while freshman Elise Orange has taken an indefinite leave of absence due to personal reasons. Oregon is already with out the services of sophomore Alicia Cook, who was declared academically ineligible for winter term. Harris is hopeful to return for the start of the Pac-10 season, which opens Mar. 31 vs. Arizona State at Howe Field."

We know the budget for Ducks softball is probably not on a par with the football program. But nobody can pitch? There's gotta be somebody on that campus who can throw a ball, right? Sure, they wouldn't be any good, but that's hardly stopping the SWAC.

Softball To Miss Tournament This Weekend [GoDucks.com]
Far From The Limelight And Far From Successful [NY Times]