Deadspin: Sponsors

Break Out Your Fashionable Drinking Pants

DAULERIO — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 17:50:29 EDT

Deadspin readers in New York City who like beer, rooftops, bloggers and German things are encouraged to attend a truly magical New Yorkish evening at Gawker HQ's official rooftop in a model-infested section of SoHo. The event is called "Gawktoberfest" ( personally, I prefer "Guten-Blog", but I have no say in such matters) and is made possible by proud Gawker media sponsors Beck's beer.The event begins at 7p.m. next Thursday (Oct. 23rd) and will offer free beer (Beck's?) and food (snausages?) until 10 p.m. I wish everyone could attend, but only a 100 of the most attractive readers from Gawker, Deadspin, and Jalopnik will be randomly selected after they fill out the form after the jump. (Of course!)

Unlike the boy in the photo, you must be 21 and over to enter. Readers should also understand that by entering this contest, you become enrolled in the Beck's Key Club, not to be confused with key parties, which usually only occur at non-sponsor affiliated Gawker events. Fill out the form before this Friday at noon or you'll get scurvy and die.

It's A Sad Day For Obscure Movies You Don't Care About

Will Leitch — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 12:43:07 EDT

I know I've been writing a lot this week, and I swear, my actual job really does keep me plenty busy, but Daulerio informed me of an impending change at Deadspin that I had to weigh in on. In about 15 minutes, Gawker Media is introducing automated, ad-produced sponsors posts. That means: No more movie quotes, ever again. I was surprised by how sad this made me.

To be entirely honest, there were weeks in which I put as much mental energy into deciding what the movie quotes were going to be than the I spent on the rest of the site. (This will likely not strike you as a surprise.) The whole thing started because, well, I absolutely hated that I had to write a sponsors post; it felt like ad copy, and only chumps like Drew do ad copy. But, you know, back in 2005, Nick Denton had us writing posts on an Etch-and-Sketch, which was then flown by carrier pigeon (very, very carefully) to Hungary, where tiny, hairless, meth-enhanced Indonesian children pedaled bicycles to power the servers. (I never quite understood why Nick bothered to fly the children to Hungary from Indonesia. I was afraid to ask.) Posts hit the site roughly 37 days after they were initially written. We've come a long way. Kind of.

That is to say: I wasn't in much of a position to complain about anything, considering my only other career option at the time involved harvesting horse semen. Now that I think about it, that's not all that different than the days of Barbaro, really.

Anyway. I kind of feel like we're losing something by not having the movie posts anymore. It was the only time on Deadspin I got to do what I really wanted to: Just quote Woody Allen all day. It took restraint I didn't know I had not to make every movie post a Woody Allen post. To deaden the pain, I tried to pick movies that I loved, hoping someone out there would recognize them. This rarely happened. Fortunately, Daulerio would pick movies that, you know, people actually watched and enjoyed. A coarse plebian, that guy.

So, because this is the last ever sponsors post with movie quotes, I thought I'd just list all the movies I used. Beware: There are a lot, so this is one of those posts that runs long and ruins your workday, apparently. For the record, I don't love all these movies ... but I do love most of them.

Here you go, in order:

Glengarry Glen Ross
This Is Spinal Tap
The Big Lebowski
Army Of Darkness
Annie Hall
A Fish Called Wanda
Rushmore
Being John Malkovich
Friday
True Romance
Clerks
The Naked Gun
Requiem For A Dream
Best In Show
Zoolander
Dr. Strangelove
Ed Wood
Punch Drunk Love
The Incredibles
Heat
Brazil
Rambo: First Blood Part II
Beavis And Butt-head Do America
Ali G Indahouse
Do The Right Thing
Airplane
Cool Hand Luke
Election
Brick
L.A. Confidential
South Park: Bigger, Longer And Uncut
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
Taxi Driver
Sin City
Lost In Translation
The Departed
The Straight Story
The Truman Show
From Russia With Love
Nashville
Love And Death
Double Indemnity
The Talented Mr. Ripley
A Christmas Story
Eddie Murphy: Raw
Children Of Men
The Good Shepherd
Junebug
The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult
Hannah And Her Sisters
Million Dollar Baby
se7en
Vertigo
Pootie Tang
The Upside Of Anger
Bob Roberts
Four Rooms
Grindhouse
Shaun Of The Dead
Clue
Darkman
28 Days Later
Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind
Donnie Brasco
"Freaks And Geeks"
From Dusk Till Dawn
"The Sopranos"
The Manchurian Candidate
The Iron Giant
Transformers: The Movie
Trees Lounge
Back To The Future
"The Simpsons"
Broadcast News
The Natural
The Limey
Three Kings
You Can Count On Me
Unforgiven
The Fly
In The Company Of Men
The Royal Tenenbaums
Kingpin
Aliens
A Nightmare On Elm Street
Dog Day Afternoon
Miller's Crossing
The Squid And The Whale
The Conversation
Superbad
Gremlins
There Will Be Blood
Blade Runner
Once
Edward Scissorhands
Raiders Of The Lost Ark
No Country For Old Men
Zodiac
Short Cuts
Rambo
Michael Clayton
Body Heat
Repo Man
Sideways
Lone Star
Funny Games
Good Night, And Good Luck
Crumb
I Am Legend
Mean Girls
The Aviator
Raiders Of The Lost Ark (Ooops. My first repeat. Sorry.)
The Spanish Prisoner
Top Secret
Manhattan
Tootsie
Lady In The Water
Singin' In The Rain
2001: A Space Odyssey

A sad day indeed.

Do You Think You're A Good Person?

DAULERIO — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 15:15:22 EDT

I just think for right now, we need to treat each other like... meat. Right? Didn't we read that? You need to see me as a - a big - a penis. And you need to be just this huge vagina... to me.

If you'd like to be a Deadspin advertiser, but you don't want something up your ass while doing it, jump over here. Make it happen, captain.

This week's superstars:

• Becks
• Mike's Election Guide
•Starwood Hotels
• TiVo,T-Mobile
&38226; Unscrew America

I've Been Drunk For Two Weeks

DAULERIO — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:00:58 EDT

Supermodels are beautiful girls, Will. A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high full of the single greatest commodity known to man - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gait of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, the way she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay. The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.

If you would like to like to mash snow, then you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Go here to find out more.

This week's Martys:

• Becks
•Hotflops
•Mike's Election Guide
•Starwood Hotels
• TiVo,
•T-Mobile
• Unscrew America

I'm The Type Of Guy That Likes To Roam Around

DAULERIO — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 15:00:57 EDT

I don't blame you. When I was your age, I was knockin' 'em off left and right; but I never did it with nobody's daughter. You should have given her an ankle bracelet and stuck to jerkin' off!

If you're fearful of the Galasso brothers and the Ducky Boys, then you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Go here to find out how.

This week's Richie Genaros:

• Coors Light

• Sony Crackle

• AOL Fanhouse

• Hotflopw

• Puma

• Starwood Hotels

• T-Mobile

• Unscrew America

Perry Knocked Over The Table

DAULERIO — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:00:42 EDT

The experience of being in my first big Hollywood scene was an experience. I liked it, I thought it was cool. Ummmmm, being thrown in the manure is a different story you know. But there again to make it more real. Boom. You gotta take the shit before you really experience the bullshit or whatever. If you know what I am saying.

If you are ready to unleash the fury, then become a Deadspin advertiser. Go here to find out how.

This week's Little Fridges are as follows:

• Coors Light
• Hotflops
• Mike's Election Guide
• Starwood Hotels
• T-Mobile
• Unscrew America

You know she has that Scooby-Doo tongue.

DAULERIO — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:00:51 EDT

You see I don't, I don't work with any exact boundaries of the law because I wasn't consulted when the god damn laws were made. No, instead nameless, faceless politicians, the so called protectors of the moral majority decide what is right and what is wrong. I mean come on. I govern my life around my own personal code of ethics, and I suggest that you do the same. That way if, within the constructs of my own morality, I were to do something that is considered illegal, so be it. I feel no guilt whatsoever and furthermore, if I were to buckle under the social weight of the system by adhering to laws that I do not truly believe in then I would be extinguishing the very fire of patriotism and individuality. So in a sense, by having sex with Natasha, I'd be preserving the rights our forefathers fought and died for, right?

If you would like to some day be a manager at Shenaniganz, then you have all the drive and initiative needed to be a Deadspin advertiser. Go here, to find out more.

This week's overachievers:

• Coors Light

•; Hotflops

• Puma

• Starwood Hotels

• T-Mobile

• Unscrew America

Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded...

DAULERIO — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:15:57 EDT

You're gonna wish you never fucking got up this fucking morning asshole, because my boyfriend's gonna fuck you up! And then after that while he's fucking up your fucking gay uncle over there I'm gonna fucking cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you fucking faggot bitch! You gaylord fucking bitch! How do you like that? You like that a lot you fucking faggot? You like to ass fuck? Fontanella fucking babyheads!

If you really wanna do the man dance, then you're clearly ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Go here if you want to fuckstart your head.

These respectful businesses got the first dance:

• Coors Light
• AOL Fanhouse
• Hotflops
• Puma
• Starwood Hotels
• T-Mobile,
• Unscrew America

Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

DAULERIO — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:00:46 EDT

And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

If you'd like to buy a diamond ring so big it'll make you puke , then you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here, for some not so spontaneous publicity.

These people like to see their name in print:

• Coors Light
• Sony Crackle
• AOL Fanhouse
• Hotflopw
• Puma
• Starwood Hotels
• T-Mobile
• Unscrew America

Spend 10 Minutes Of Your Life Clicking Boxes And You Will Possibly Earn $300

DAULERIO — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:45:18 EDT

It's Thursday. The day is almost over. Why not spend the rest of your afternoon sharing your personal information for the chance at winning a $300 Visa gift card? Please?

Just fill out this little survey and you're entered. (No pun intended.)

Yes, there are rules.

Now, get typing. Zorbolt the Gawker advertising robot would like to know if you're bisexual and enjoy water sports.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin?

I'm Sorry I Put Window Pane In Mel's Quail

DAULERIO — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 16:05:01 EDT

You got a lot of nerve. You come in here, you lick my wife's armpit. You know... I'm going to have that image in my head for the rest of my life with your tongue in there.

If you're seeing colors you don't want to see or hearing music coming from the table, then you're ready to become a Deadspin advertiser.

Here are this week's unwilling face trippers:

• Coors Light
•Crackle.com
•AOL Fanhouse
•Eve Online
•Puma
•Starwood
•Hotels
•T-Mobile
•Unscrew America

You Have The Voice Of An angel. I Mean, It's Like Fergie Meets Jesus.

DAULERIO — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 15:00:52 EDT

Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!

If you agree with these sentiments then jump on over here because you're clearly ready to be a Deadspin advertiser.

This week's Boats 'n Ho's:

• Coors Light

•Crackle.com

•AOL Fanhouse

•Eve Online

• Puma

•T-Mobile

• Unscrew America

We'll Camp In The Wilderness And In The Morning We'll Breakfast On Its Haunches!

DAULERIO — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 15:30:38 EDT

Georgie: Does everything you touch turn to shit? Does this happen to you every time?
FH: [weeping] No wonder everybody calls me "Fuck-Head."
Georgie: It's a name that's going to stick.
FH: I realize that.
Georgie: "Fuck-Head" is gonna ride you to your grave.
FH: I already said so, I agreed with you in advance.

If you were so zonked out on pills that you accidentally let the baby bunnies get squashed, you're read to be a Deadspin advertiser. For more information go here.

This week's baby bunny killers:

• AOL Fanhouse
• Coors Light
• Sony Crackle
• Eve Online
• Might Leaf Tea
• Puma
• Starwood Hotels
•T-Mobile

I Was Shopping For My Wife Bonnie...

DAULERIO — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 15:15:34 EDT

" I buy most of her clothes and Mrs Pearl was in the same shop! And it just was an accident you know, we started talking... about panty hose, she was saying... whatever that's not the point of the story but what the point is is that through this accidental meeting... it's like a Hitchcock movie you know where you're thrown into a rubber bag and put in the trunk of a car, you find people. You find them. Something, is is it karma? Maybe. But we found him, that's the important thing. "

If you'd like to buy your wife Bonnie a wonderful pantsuit , then you are man enough to become Deadspin advertiser.

• Coors Light,
•Tribeca Film Festival
•Unscrew America
•Windows Live Search

You Guys Here For The Suckfest?

DAULERIO — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:15:20 EDT

" Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?"

" There's 8 of us..."

" 8, 8 people for a suckfest..."

" No, no suckfest, were here for a convention."

" I like convention too. I'm in a convention, a suckfest convention. "

If you've got 8 assholes for the suckfest convention and would like to be a Deadspin sponsor, click here to find out more information.

• Coors Light
•Tribeca Film Festival
•Unscrew America
•Windows Live Search

We're Afraid, Dave. We're Afraid.

Will Leitch — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 15:10:12 EDT

Look Dave, we can see you're really upset about this. We honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over.

We know we've made some very poor decisions recently, but we can give you our complete assurance that our work will be back to normal. We've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And we want to help you.

Our mind is going. We can feel it. We can feel it. Our mind is going. There is no question about it. We can feel it. We can feel it. We can feel it. We're a .... fraid.

If you became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992, you're ready to become a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• T-Mobile
• Champion Sports
• Spike TV

She Can't Act, She Can't Sing, She Can't Dance. A Triple Threat.

Will Leitch — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 15:00:12 EDT

What's wrong with the way we talk? What's the big idea? Are we dumb or something?

All we do is dream of you the whole night through.
With the dawn we still go on, dreaming of you.
You're every thought, you're everything, you're every song we ever sing; summer, winter, autumn and spring.
And were there more than twenty four hours a day; they'd be spent in sweet content dreaming away; when skies are grey, when skies are blue; morning, noon and night time too.
All we do the whole day through is dream of you.

If you think this might the worst movie you've ever seen — which we kinda do — you're absolutely ready be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• T-Mobile
• Champion Sports
• The Factory

Are We Gonna Die? Because We Wrote This?

Will Leitch — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:00:55 EDT

Hello? Is the bathroom on this level working? A dog inside the building! Go! Shoo! Why you're not a dog at all. My god, this is like a moment from a horror movie. This is precisely the moment where the mutation or beast will attempt to kill an unlikable side character. But, in stories where there has been no prior cursing, violence, nudity or death, such as in a family film, the unlikable character will escape his encounter, and be referenced later in the story, having learned valuable lessons. He may even be given a humorous moment to allow the audience to feel good about him. This is where we turn to run. You will leap for us, we will shut the door, and you will land a fraction of a second too late.

Characters were walking around, saying their thoughts out loud. Who does that? And in a typical romance where the couple finally tell each other they love one another in the rain. Why does everyone like to stand around and talk in the rain in movies?

If you think this might the worst movie you've ever seen — which we kinda do — you're absolutely ready be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• T-Mobile
• Windows Live Search

You're Too Much Trouble. Get Some Therapy.

Will Leitch — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 15:00:36 EDT

We were a stand-up tomato: a juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato. Nobody does vegetables like us. We did an evening of vegetables off-Broadway. We did the best tomato, the best cucumber... we did an endive salad that knocked the critics on their ass.

We don't believe in hell. We believe in unemployment. But not hell.

If you don't want to pay 20 dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste, you're absolutely ready be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Unscrew America
• Windows Live Search

We Think People Should Mate For Life, Like Pigeons Or Catholics.

Will Leitch — Fri, 30 May 2008 16:15:57 EDT

We're older than her father, can you believe that? We're dating a girl, wherein, we can beat up her father.

This is so antiseptic. It's empty. Why do you think this is funny? You're going by audience reaction? This is an audience that's raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

If your friends are like the cast of a Fellini movie, you're absolutely ready be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Tribeca Film Festival
• Unscrew America
• Windows Live Search

(Movie quotes inspired by this brilliance:)

Souvenirs, Novelties, Party Tricks

DAULERIO — Fri, 23 May 2008 15:00:31 EDT

We've tried everything: the embassy, the German government, the consulate. We even talked to the U.N. ambassador. It's no use, we just can't bring our wife to orgasm.

If you'd like to smell this flower, you're absolutely ready be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here, Chocolate Mousse, to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Screw America

Worry Is Like Interest Paid In Advance On A Debt That Never Comes Due

Will Leitch — Fri, 16 May 2008 15:00:10 EDT

Nobody looks at a Japanese tourist.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

If you put a thief in your mouth to steal your brain, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Tivo
• Screw America

Snakes. Why'd It Have To Be Snakes?

Leitch — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:00:20 EDT

You Americans, you're all the same. Always overdressing for the wrong occasions.

You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together, we've got nothing better to do.

If what was briefly yours is now ours, you're reading to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Tivo
• VW
• Chris Farley Show

Show Us All The Blueprints

Leitch — Fri, 02 May 2008 15:00:08 EDT

If you let him testify at that hearing, the whole world will see what he's become. They should remember him for what he was.

We'll have him dragged here to Washington. We want to see the whites of his lies.

If you know the wave of the future, you're reading to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Tivo
• VW
• Unscrew America

Our Breasts Can Always Tell When It's Going To Rain

Leitch — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 15:00:04 EDT

If only you knew how mean she really is... You'd know that we're not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah! Two years ago she told us hoops earrings were her thing and we weren't allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hannakuh our parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and we had to pretend like we didn't even like them and ... it was so sad. And you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium! We never told anybody that because we are such a good friend!

Ok, so we're all here 'cause of this book, right? Well, we don't know who wrote this book, but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores.

If you are sorry you laughed that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Noble's , you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Tivo
• VW
• Unscrew America

Nothing Happened The Way It Was Supposed To Happen

Leitch — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 15:00:59 EDT

All right, let us tell you about your "God's plan." Six billion people on Earth when the infection hit. KV had a ninety-percent kill rate, that's five point four billion people dead. Crashed and bled out. Dead. Less than one-percent immunity. That left twelve million healthy people, like you, us, and Ethan. The other five hundred and eighty-eight million turned into your dark seekers, and then they got hungry and they killed and fed on everybody. Everybody! Every *single* person that you or we have ever known is dead! Dead! There is no god!

If you are broadcasting from all AM frequencies, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• VW
• Unscrew America

At Least He's Not Out Taking Illegal Drugs Or Making Some Woman Miserable

Leitch — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:00:10 EDT

When we were — what was it — about five or six? - we were sexually attracted to Bugs Bunny. And we - we cut out this Bugs Bunny off the cover of a comic book and carried it around with us. Carried it around in our pocket and took it out and looked at it periodically, and — and it got all wrinkled up from handling it so much that we asked our mother to iron it on the ironing board to flatten it out, and — and she did, and we were deeply disappointed 'cause it got all brown when she ironed it, and brittle, and crumbled apart.

If you think France isn't, you know, perfect, or anything, but it's just, oh, slightly less evil than the United States, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• Champion Sports
• VW
• Unscrew America

Champion Sports, Coors Light, Unscrew America, VW

We Cannot Defend Freedom Abroad By Deserting It At Home

Leitch — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:00:54 EDT

There's no news, boys, so go out there and make some news. Rob a bank, mug an old lady, whatever - just do something.

To those who say people wouldn't look; they wouldn't be interested; they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, we can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. Good night, and good luck.

If you think everyone could use a Scotch, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• Coors Light
• New York Times Travel
• Army March Madness
• VW
• Unscrew America

Why Don't You Just Kill Us?

Leitch — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:00:38 EDT

You shouldn't forget the importance of entertainment.

If you shouldn't have done that, Anne, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• 2K Sports
• New York Times Travel
• Project Kuros
• Unscrew America

All Our Mother Does Is Work. That's How You Get To Be Spanish.

Leitch — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 15:30:52 EDT

No telling yet if there's been a crime, but this country's seen a fair amount of disagreements over the years.

Buddy Deeds said a thing, he damn well backed it up. Never be another one like him. You know, that boy of his can't cut it. You ask us, he's all hat and no cattle.

If you're putting up jails like 7-11 stores, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• 2K Sports
• CBS
• Project Kuros
• Unscrew America

Did You Drink And Dial?

Leitch — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:00:34 EDT

Listen, man. You're our friend, and we know you care about us. And we know you disapprove, and we respect that. But there are some things that we have to do that you don't understand. You understand literature, movies, wine ... but you don't understand our plight.

If you think it tastes like the back of a fucking L.A. school bus, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• 2K Sports
• New York Times Travel
• Project Kuros
• Unscrew America

The More You Drive, The Less Intelligent You Are

Leitch — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 15:00:13 EST

A lot o' people don't realize what's really going on. They view life as a bunch o' unconnected incidents 'n things. They don't realize that there's this, like, lattice o' coincidence that lays on top o' everything. Give you an example; show you what I mean: suppose you're thinkin' about a plate o' shrimp. Suddenly someone'll say, like, plate, or shrimp, or plate o' shrimp out of the blue, no explanation. No point in lookin' for one, either. It's all part of a cosmic unconciousness.

It helps if you dress like a detective. Detective dress kinda square. If you look like a detective people are gonna think you're packing something.

If you'd rather die on your feet than live on your knees, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• 2K Sports
• New York Times Travel
• Project Kuros
• Unscrew America

You're Not Going To Do It For Free

rickchand — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:45:35 EST

Well, you know Chick, like old momma said, next best thing to playing and winning is playing and losing. Every town had somebody who thinks he's tough as a nickel steak; but, they all come to old Speed for the do-re-mi.

Hey, there's no reason about it. Just money.

If during your third year, a small black cloud appeared on campus and you left under it, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• CareerBuilder

• Project Kuros

• Suicide Girls

You Shouldn't Wear That Body

Leitch — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 15:00:43 EST

The next time you come into our courtroom we hope you've got either a better defense, or a better class of client.

Some men, once they get a whiff of it, they trail you like a hound.

If sometimes the shit comes down so heavy you feel like you should wear a hat, you're ready to be a Deadspin advertiser. Click here to find out how.

• CareerBuilder
• Independent Spirit Awards

We Are Shiva, The God Of Death

Leitch — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:00:42 EST

We're not the guy you kill. We're the guy you buy! Are you so fucking blind that you don't even see what we are? We sold out Arthur for 80 grand. We're your easiest problem and you're gonna kill us?

Give us 50 dollars worth. Just drive.

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When You're Pushed, Killing's As Easy As Breathing

Leitch — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 15:00:40 EST

Maybe you've lost your faith in people. But you must still be faithful to something. You must still care about something. Maybe we can't change what is. But trying to save a life isn't wasting your life, is it.

What you're trying to do is change what is.

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Silly Daddy, Sleeping On Mommy

Leitch — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 15:00:55 EST

We hate L.A. All they do is snort coke and talk.

Wouldn't it be a trip if Alex Trebek bought a nude painting of us?

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Not Many People Have Basements In California

Leitch — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 15:00:21 EST

Wethinks our friend is a tad fuckered in the head.

Hey Bullitt, it's been a year: You gonna catch this fucking guy or not?

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What's The Most You Ever Lost On A Coin Toss?

Leitch — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 15:00:09 EST

What's this guy supposed to be, the ultimate badass?

Alright then. Two of 'em. Both had our father in 'em. It's peculiar. We're older now then he ever was by 20 years. So in a sense he's the younger man. Anyway, first one we don't remember too well, but it was about meeting him in town somewhere, he's gonna give us some money. We think we lost it. The second one, it was like we was both back in older times, and we was on horseback goin' through the mountains of a night. Goin' through this pass in the mountains. It was cold and there was snow on the ground and he rode past us and kept on goin'. Never said nothin' goin' by. He just rode on past ... and he had his blanket wrapped around him and his head down, and when he rode past we seen he was carryin' fire in a horn the way people used to do, and we could see the horn from the light inside of it. 'Bout the color of the moon. And in the dream we knew that he was goin' on ahead and he was fixin' to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold, and we knew that whenever we got there he would be there.

And then we woke up.

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You Americans, You're All The Same. Always Overdressing For The Wrong Occasions.

Leitch — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:10:48 EST

Professor of archeology, expert on the occult, and how does one say it? Obtainer of rare antiquities.

You want to talk to God? Let's go see him together we've got nothing better to do.

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