His appearance had all the hallmarks of a Classic Reilly® column. Bad puns, awkward analogies, a dated Halle Berry reference, hero worship, and of course, an uplifting story about dead children. The man does it all. He even found time to work in some comedic acting, breaking out the tried-and-true, "Good thing we're not live!" bit. That gets me every time!

Best of all, we got like a month's worth of "Catchphrase-O-Meter" columns out of just one Royals-Tigers highlight package. The man just gives and gives and gives.

Anchor: Neil Everett
Context: Rockies outfielder Ryan Spilborghs hits a grand slam in the bottom of the 14th inning to give Colorado a 6-4 victory over the Giants.
Origin: Mahatma Gandhi was, of course, the renowned prophet of nonviolence and Indian independence who died by an assassin's bullet in 1948, whereupon, one correspondent wrote, "humanity wept." His given name was Mohandas, but he was known around the world by the honorific "Mahatma," which combines the Sanskrit words "maha" (great) and "atma" (soul). There is some dispute about who first bestowed the title, but it is said that in 1915, at a Jetpur city meeting, a supporter read aloud a commendation in which he addressed Gandhi as "Shriman Mahatma Mohandas Karmchand Gandhi" and then declared, "It is not an exaggeration to honor you with the title of 'Mahan Yogi,' it is based upon your self-knowledge of the Mahan soul." The surname, Gandhi, is an occupational name that means "perfume seller." The first syllable sounds like "gone," a word often used by SportsCenter anchors to characterize a home run, thus providing Everett with his pun. In its delivery, the phrase may recall Everett's "Bartender ... Jack," a sort of drunk uncle to "Mahatma ... Gandhi." In an e-mail, the anchor explains: "Gandhi was two kids from Kansas City emailing me one night...they liked 'bartender' and thought Gandhi would kill..."
Analysis: The call comes from a rich and rarely tapped vein of SportsCenter Dadaist phrasemaking, which, in another era, gave us "... with Port authority" and "... with Brad Daugherty," both of them riffs on the hugely clichéd "... with authority." The literal-minded may complain that the phrase cheapens the memory of a great leader, but they miss the irony here. This one floats above all the common Bermanisms, operating simultaneously as a reference and a rebuke to their soft-headed foolishness. "Mahatma ... Gandhi" is the reductio ad absurdum of catchphrases, and whenever it's spoken, it's a wink to the audience, as if Everett were informing us that the whole catchphrase pursuit had at last consumed all of its mass and collapsed in on itself, like a dying star. Humanity does not weep.
Humor (out of 5): 4
Aptness (out of 5): Technically zero, but the inaptness is its very point. This will be scored a 5.
Obscurity (out of 5): 3
Quality of referent (out of 5): 5
Total (out of 20): 17

Anchor: Neil Everett
Context: Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez sends one deep to left off Tampa Bay's James Shields, his third home run in four games.
Origin: Unknown. "It's parody country-and-western guy talk," says Michael Preston, an English professor at the University of Colorado who studies vernacular culture. "You wouldn't expect to come across a woman saying this." In a 1976 paper, Preston's wife, Cathy, also an English professor at Colorado, grouped the phrase "hot as a fox" with similar folk comparisons: "drunk as a skunk," "eyes like a hawk," "busier than a beehive." Says Cathy now: "Since 'hot as a fox' carries kind of a sexual overtone rather than referring to heat or fire, it's possible that it might be a little bit later in date." Whenever it arrived on American tongues, the phrase soon was subjected to a number of comic elaborations, in much the same way that "cold as a witch's tit" would eventually become "cold as a witch's tit on the north side of an iceberg in Alaska," or "flat as a fried egg" would become "flat as two fried eggs nailed to a barn door." In this case, the elaborations were alliterative: from "hotter than a fox" to "hotter than a fox in a forest fire" to "hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire" to "hotter than a fresh-fucked female French fox in a fuel-fed forest fire." The initial phrase, "hotter than a fox," is used much like a jazz musician might use an old standard like "Stardust." A sort of personal style is expressed through elaborate, improvised riffs on the original theme.
Analysis: Of the many options available to him, Everett chooses "hotter than a fox in a forest fire." How boring. Unembellished, the simile is mere cliché and lacks the sense of play and discovery that comes from spinning evermore fanciful variations out of a basic phrase. I don't expect Everett to bait the FCC with any "fresh-fucked" business, but a little wit and inventiveness is called for here. I'll defer to Cathy Preston. "When you do get the riffs on the phrase," she says, "then you've got someone who clearly likes verbal play. It's playful. It shows a spark of imagination on an individual's part. I like that."
Humor (out of 5): 0 1
Aptness (out of 5): 3
Obscurity (out of 5): 4 5
Quality of referent (out of 5): 3 5
Total (out of 20): 10 14

UPDATE: Everett has e-mailed us to clarify the reference:

Ronnie Van Zandt, former lead for Lynyrd Skynyrd, used to do shows in his barefeet so he could feel the heat on the stage…on one live album, he says, 'it's hotter than a fox in a forest fire"…that's where it came from…aloha, Neil Everett

Scoring has been adjusted accordingly.

Anchor: John Buccigross
Context: Andy Roddick hits a forehand winner to finish off Igor Kunitsyn in the second round at Wimbledon.
Origin: The phrase, popularized by the unwatchable movie 21, apparently derives from the rich lexicon of craps, which is full of amusingly inscrutable patter. In an e-mail, David Guzman, an author of A Guide to Craps Lingo from Snake Eyes to Muleteeth, writes: "'Winner Winner Chicken Dinner' came from alley craps back in the Depression. They used to play craps in alleys and didn't always use $$$, but if they did it use $$$ and they where winning, it meant they they could afford chicken for dinner that night." The literature on the subject is limited, however, and Guzman allows that "Winner winner chicken dinner" may have roots in Cockney rhyming slang.
Analysis: The line has become something of a crutch for Buccigross, and no one seems to like it. The San Francisco Chronicle's Bruce Jenkins cites the phrase as evidence that Buccigross is "the unquestioned king of the idiot patrol." Witless and inapt, the phrase is delivered with a thick coat of irony, as if to suggest Buccigross knows full well it is witless and inapt. That does not absolve him, however, especially now that it sounds like he's merely paying tribute to a wretched Kevin Spacey vehicle.
Humor (out of 5): 0
Aptness (out of 5): 0
Obscurity (out of 5): 3
Quality of referent (out of 5): 2
Total (out of 20): 5

Anchor: Neil Everett
Context: Willy Aybar of the Tampa Bay Rays hits a deep fly ball.
Origin: The phrase comes from the 1958 Johnny Otis hit, "Willie and the Hand Jive," a Bo Diddley-influenced song whose opening lyric is, "I know a cat named Way Out Willie." Otis, the son of Greek immigrants, has been called "the Godfather of Rhythm & Blues," though he was less a trailblazer than an artist who synthesized the styles and genres of his day. "Willie and the Hand Jive" was his only big hit, peaking at No. 9 on the pop charts. The hand jive became a brief dance craze and will be familiar to fans of the film Grease and the music of Sha Na Na.
Analysis: Everett deserves credit for the obscurity of his allusion, though in this particular instance, the phrase loses much of its heft when Aybar's fly ball is caught. Points should be docked, as well, because the line is inapplicable to virtually any situation that does not involve a baseball player named Willy.
Humor (out of 5): 1
Aptness (out of 5): 0
Obscurity (out of 5): 5
Quality of referent (out of 5): 4
Total (out of 20): 10

Seriously, does someone at ESPN owe Green Day money? As this montage shows, there have been several instances over the last month or two, where Billie Joe and Co. have been used as the bed music—and that doesn't even count the omnipresent sports world use of recent single "Know Your Enemy." It made sense back in early May when their new album, 21st Century Breakdown was set to be released. But now three weeks later, they're still in heavy rotation. (The last clip showed up this morning.) And it seems that no other musical act is ever good enough to play the show out. Seriously, I watch a lot of SportsCenter.

Even more remarkable, all Green Day albums—not just the one that is ostensibly being promoted—are fair game. Deep cuts off Nimrod? That kind of retro product placement wouldn't even fly at The Peach Pit. (In case you're wondering, the band's label, Reprise, is owned by Warner Bros., which last I checked, has not been assimilated by Disney/ABC/GloboCom.)

Maybe I watch too much SportsCenter.

From a tipster [sic'd]:

Ok, so I think this marks the official start of the end of the world as we know it... It was about 2:50 yesterday morning when I was getting ready to fall asleep and those three brothers were on SportsCenter doing the top 10 plays with Neil Everett and some other schlub. I may have been stoned, but it was definitely them.

No, you were not stoned — that was the Jonas Brothers calling the Top 10 with Everett and Stan Verrett, that other schlub. With this second coming of ESPN Hollywood, we learn that the Jonas Brothers are fans of the New York Giants, Yankees, Dodgers, Mavericks and Lakers, and they blister their hands on the golf course. They weren't heavy on the catch phrases — all I heard was "Bam, there you go," and a lackluster "Boo-yah!"

The lesson, as always: Watch the 2 a.m. SportsCenter now that it's on the West Coast. You never know which singing and acting set of brothers will appear before your glazed-over eyes.

I can't decide whether Hannah Storm is going for the Pretty Woman Julia Roberts here or more for the Erin Brockovich. Whichever, combined with her Daisy Duke from the other day, I am intrigued, and would like to subscribe to her newsletter.

Not A Sports Blog agrees, while also noting Sage Steele rocking the Condoleeza Rice. As Yakoff Smirnoff would say, what a country.

Cracking The Glass Ceiling (Update On Hannah Storm) [Not A Sports Blog]

Many of you who have the luxury of staying at home all day might recognize Robert Flores from ESPN's afternoon SportsCenter, which he co-anchors with Chris McKendry. Or you might recognize him from his time on ESPNNews. Or, for those of you who are Lone Star residents, you might remember him as the Austin sports anchor who was fired after he accidentally dropped an f-bomb on air. Or you might not have any idea who he is at all. But you should . Here Flores gives us some insight into what it's like doing a live SportsCenter everyday, the fallout from getting fired, and how he's most likely never going to get caught carousing like some of his other ESPN colleagues.

DS: How do you like the live format? Have you had any missteps on the air so far that have been completely memorable? So far, we've had McKendry spout off "Viagra" instead of Villanova and Clayton allegedly breaking wind during the morning hour. Does this cross your mind every day when you do live spots?

,RF: I was a little skeptical at first about a morning and afternoon Sportscenter. But, after five months I like it. I think we're still trying to find our niche but I think we've made some improvements in how to cover breaking news as well as give a fresh perspective to last night's highlights.

Now, let me just say I did extensive investigation on the alleged incident involving John Clayton. I talked with our audio guys, as well as the floor crew... I went "CSI" on that piece of tape and I feel confident in saying John wasn't the culprit. Honestly, I don't know who or what did it but it wasn't the "Professor."

You want to talk about embarrassing moments. For me it happened when I was on the evening SportsCenter several months ago. I said "shot clock" during a highlight, except I said something that rhymes with "clock". Yeah... I know. But that clip ended up on the Howard Stern show so I felt a little better.

DS: Before you were at SportsCenter, you worked as a sports reporter for KEYE in Austin where you were fired for "uttering the F-word" on air. Somehow, your career wasn't ruined after that and you managed to land at ESPN. Tell me what the day was like after you realized that your "fuck" made the air and then the subsequent firing. Walk me through your emotional state, if you could:

RF: Which is a perfect segue into question number two. It's amazing that this story still gets talked about. What ran on the air that morning was a "busted take" from two nights before. So not only was the tape wrong, but it was from the wrong day as well. Luckily because that place was struggling a bit a lot of people didn't see it. But, the company had a "zero tolerance" policy so I got canned. I couldn't believe it at first. I remember telling my son who was 10 at the time, "I said something I shouldn't have said and I got fired. If you make mistakes you have to be willing to face the punishment".

DS: Ironically, you were also on air during Danyelle Sargent's first "what the fuck was that?!" moment on ESPN news. Did you comfort her or have any sage advice for her after that happened?

RF: Danyelle is a great person and I enjoyed working with her. I remember at the time having a sinking feeling in my stomach because I knew our mics were "hot" She felt terrible about it as did everyone else. There wasn't much I could tell her. At the time I felt like anything I would have said would have made things worse. However, she eventually moved on and it seems like she's enjoying herself now during this phase of her career.

DS: What is the five-year plan for an ESPN afternoon anchor? Do you have aspirations of becoming the next 11:30 "Big Show" SportsCenter personality? Do you have catch phrases written down some place that you recite to yourself in front of the mirror each morning to motivate?

RF: I just want to do good TV. I like my new role. Before I was kind of all over the place, this show seems like something that "belongs" to me, something I can grow into. I like working with Chris and everyone else on the show. Being live for three hours everyday I think you develop a "bunker" mentality with your co-workers. However, I'm always willing to accept new challenges.

DS: Do you get paranoid when you're out in public, acting all crazy, that some punk with a cellphone will snap your picture and you'll end up with some of the sports blog ignominy of some of your colleagues? What if some jerkoff actually peered over your shoulder to see who you were texting and then reported its contents to the world?

RF: I'm not famous... I'm kind of like the Tony Danza of Sportscenter anchors. Although, I continue to enjoy quite a following in West, Texas.

DS:Do you understand how some sports fans can get turned off by ESPN's all-encompassing power? Do you wish that, sometimes, ESPN was more mom-and-pop than Wal-Mart?

RF: Yep it doesn't get more "mom and pop" than Wal-Mart.. 7,300 stores worldwide..they are the little engine that could.

I think most of our harshest critics are fellow members of the media. People who write for blogs, newspapers etc. I read where CBS' Jim Nantz said when asked about our BCS deal, "I hope they just leave something for us." I'm a huge fan of Jim Nantz, like me he's a University of Houston alum, but ESPN is a sports network. That's what we do. And if memory serves...doesn't CBS have a billion dollar deal to show the NC Double A basketball tournament exclusively? However, I'll let you in a little secret — we are in serious negotiations with CBS Young and the Restless so be on the look out for that.

Before working here, I rarely watched SportsCenter. I didn't really appreciate the product. After working here obviously that's changed. I think we do our best to keep in mind what fans think and want and hopefully those who turned away come back in the future

DS: When I first talked to you on the phone, I mistakenly referred to you as the "Most popular Mexican sports anchor in the world." You corrected me and said something about the "Hispanic community" or something. Either way, do you feel like you're some sort of a trailblazer for some ethnic community?

RF: Yep I'm Mexican American. Earlier this year I was asked to speak at this function in Dallas. The organizers asked if I was the first Hispanic to anchor Sportscenter. I thought to myself, "you know that's a good question." I asked our PR department and they weren't sure..at any rate if I am the first then I'm honored. If not, it's nice to be among the first. ESPN has done great work in the area of diversity both on and behind the camera, ESPN Deportes has been a big success. However, I hope we can continue to make strides in that area especially since the Hispanic fan base continues to grow both domestically and abroad.

DS: So what does Robert Flores do when he's off air. Say I called you on the phone and I was like, "Hey, Bobby, what's up with you, ese?" What kind of off-air activity would you be doing?

RF: First, I would say , "there's no Bobby here." Then I might say, "Who you trying to get crazy with ese, don't you know I'm loco??"

A.J. I live an exciting life. If I'm not saving lives in my side job as a podiatrist, then I'm whittling driftwood in the likeness of Ric Flair.

If I'm not doing those things then I'm playing basketball or video games with my kids. I also like to play golf in the spring and summertime

DS: What is the your proudest moment at the WWL so far? Was there one particular day where you spun around in your chair, reveling in your own awesomeness?

RF: One day one of our producers had his family up to the newsroom and he introduced me as "one of our Sportscenter anchors". Sounds hokey I know, but it felt good at the time. In fact I'm crying right now as I type this.

DS: Who is the best in your business right now? Fred Hickman?

RF: Well, I worked with Fred a few times and he was nothing but nice to me. But for my money best in the business right now: Scott Van Pelt and John Buccigross. Both are hilarious and do a great job of telling story with the hi-lites. With that said, just about everyone at ESPN is the cream of the crop, so to just pick one or two is very difficult.

Robert Flores, ESPN's live afternoon SportsCenter man, fell victim to the WWL's deadly live television format and stumbled over his words while relaying the Saints/Vikings rundown. (wasn't that bad. Well, he didn't fart. ) Instead of "176 punt return yards" it came out "176 punt retard", which is probably a common mistake when you're trapped in a highlight trance for five hours. Based on his boneheaded performance last night, it's also a fitting nickname for Vikings punter Chris Kluwe.

Flores catches his slip-up early though and his voice quickly takes on the regretful tone of a man who just said "retard" on live television. Remember — that's a word that is not welcome at the WWL in any context even if it's 100% accurate.

Let's hope that Charlie Weis didn't see this or Norby and company could once again be the recipients of a strongly-worded letter.

Robert Flores' unfortunate slip up on SportsCenter [Awful Announcing]

And now for a little stomach-churning media goodness. One of the inevitable downsides of ESPN's new "Live" SportsCenter are some of the slip-ups that occur during live broadcasts which unfortunately make it to air. Case in point — this morning, at approximately 10:28, it appears NFL beat reporter John Clayton was suffering from a bout of uncontrollable flatulence while on the phone with morning host Josh Elliot. Mr. Clayton's unfortunate accident occurred just as Elliot inquired about the status of Derek Anderson in Cleveland. Right after he utters the phrase "Brady Quinn is lurking..." you can hear the distinct sound of a gaseous emission trumpet through the microphone right before Mr. Clayton gives his Browns report. (Smell the junior high irony, if you will.)

ESPN's media relations machine "could not possibly comment about that", but Elliot did say that he asked the newsroom "What the F was that?" after the incident occurred, but denies having personally "dealt it."

Maybe it was Hannah Storm playing a prank? She's a scamp, that one. — A.J. Daulerio

***

12:00 — Robert Flores and Chris McKendry? That's my cue to stop live blogging. Thanks for playing along. (Assuming you actually see any of this text.)

11:58 — And on the third Top 10 attempt, they opt not for the "pan to Josh and Hannah standing up doing the highlights." Now that I didn't see them, I can only assume they did those highlights sitting in their bedrooms wearing pajama bottoms and using Skype.

11:56 — So ... four more minutes, and ... Berman? C'mon, Berman, wake up so we can have bingo.

11:50 — And, for the third time today, Team USA visits the Great Wall. The sad part? The Mongolians are still trying to figure out how to pass across it. But by the time they get there, they'll probably have forgotten why they're invading and plundering in the first place.

11:47 — Even at this point, Josh and Hannah have to be pretty sick and tired of Brandon Webb, the pitcher/hitter/fielder gimmick.

11:43 — So, Awful Announcing just pointed out to me in his live blog (which people can actually fucking see) that the two radio guys they had on SportsCenter today are — coincidentally! — from the markets of the two teams who play tonight on Monday Night Football. No, you know what? That's just outright clever. Shameless subliminal promotion, yes, but that's clever. And hats off to AA for the John Nash-like observation.

11:38 — Are you also wondering what Sage Steele is doing between "SC Right Now" updates? Besides reading this live blog, of course.

11:36 — Not sure on this, but I think Gabe Kapler hit some kind of game-winning home run yesterday. Did anyone else hear about that?

11:33 — I'm feeling generous/desperate, so I'm marking down "triple replay" because it probably happened one way or another. Which means we are one space from bingo. Don't let us down, Berman.

11:31 — What the ... it's something new for the first time in, what, 45 minutes? Discussing the Bengals with C. Trent Rosecrans from ESPN Radio in Cincinnati. If the name "Trent" outweighs the dorkiness of whatever C. stands for, then I really want to know what that "C." means, or my name isn't M. Tinkerbell Sussman.

11:25 — If you gave me a ditto to fill out based on what was shown this morning, I would probably get an A-minus. In no way is that sad and pathetic.

11:23 — Oh, good. The Twins-Royals highlights again. Minnesota playing small ball has really kept the small market team in the race for the divizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

11:18 — Now THAT's news. Matt Jones pleads not guilty to sitting in a car and cutting up cocaine. It wasn't him?

11:15 — Looking at the bingo card, I have to wonder if the "triple replay" is unfair if I mark it down just because we're at 27 replays of the swimming relay race. The intent was to honor three consecutive replays of something.

11:11 — Fantasy football advice from Cris Carter on drafting Darren McFadden? Seems off the cuff, but let's count it.

11:08 — Again with the Bengals' "B" and the Packers' "G." I love those two letters in succession. Can't place why.

11:05 — Hey. Idea. How about highlights of some of these O-lym-pics? I mean, beyond the relay comeback, USA basketball, and the relay comeback.

11:01 — Wow. Wow. What a relay finish. That was amazing. I'm going to have to see it four more times this hour.

10:59 — Coming up on SportsCenter: The swimming mens relay. YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.

10:55 — Michael Wilbon singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" at Wrigley. Nice to see him wake up for the occasion. We secretly replaced Willybuns' Aquafina with NyQuil. Let's see if he notices.

10:51 — A preview of USA basketball vs. Angola. Yikes. Based on that graphic (Angola's tallest player is 6'8"?), the Americans are already up 11-2.

10:46 — Did it really take them almost two hours to show Manny Ramirez getting beaned in the head?

10:39 — Sage Steele will not rest until she informs every American that Team USA beat China in basketball.

10:36 — As a benchmark, I've been waiting to see how long until the Tigers-A's highlight. So far, nothing. I have, however, seen R.A. Dickey try to blow a bunted ball foul twice.

10:30 — A radio guy from Jackson, Wisconsin, talking about Green Bay. Rounding up, this is our interview with an obscure beat writer. (Obscure to us. I'm sure the city of Jackson is atwitter with this interview, however.)

10:28 — And there's the NASCAR highlight again. It's ... it's just gonna keep going on like this, isn't it?

10:23 — With all these flat-screen TVs in the studio, you can tell ESPN built its SportsCenter set in an old abandoned Buffalo Wild Wings.

10:21 — Stop saying "Woodsian" on this PGA Championship highlight.

10:19 — They breeze through the "Morning News," which is apparently the news we just heard about this morning ... in one screen graphic. Back to highlights we saw last night, said by different people this morning ... LIVE!

10:15 — The Madden video games might be one of the most successful series of video games in history ... and yet they're too cheap to go outside the public domain for their commercial music. Because when I think smashing CGI-generated football players, I think "Amazing Grace."

10:13 — Looking at Josh Elliott speak to Buster Olney on a flat-screen TV, I can't help but wonder if this was Jetsons-inspired.

10:11 — Joba Chamberlain injury update. Mark it.

10:11 — "Morning News" is four boxes away. Then what the hell have I been watching for the last hour?

10:07 — There were 15 Major League Baseball games yesterday. Fifteen. But damned be all if they don't get through the Yankees/Red Sox/Rays highlights twice before moving onto other games.

10:04 — Maybe it was the three hours of new live SportsCenter I heard about that led me to believe that the second hour wasn't going to be like the first hour. Not the kind of thing I'd expect to see while sitting here in this Punxsutawney B&B.

10:01 — Well, hey, I'm glad I got to see this USA relay footage again. The first two times, I didn't notice Mark Spitz tailing Jason Lesak wearing a plastic shark fin. Such the consummate sportsman, that Mark Spitz. Excelsior to you.

10:00 — Sage Steele as Paul Shaffer as Jimmy Kimmel à la "Win Ben Stein's Money."

9:57 — Did Josh Elliott just say "he loves footsie" and "he loves little kids?" in succession? That's actually great to hear these days. A grown man who enjoys raising children is so hard to find these days. Although I can't say I approve of the "footsie" inclination.

9:55 — Hannah Storm is calculatedly pumped for doing her first Top 10.

9:52 — Two minutes of Jeremy Schaap, and I got nothin'.

9:49 — The small of Hannah Storm's back is clearly visible. That's the kind of footage that launched a million teenage boys into a new fantasy.

9:46 — Jillian Barberie lost weight on Nutrisystem? I thought she lost weight when, y'know, the kid finally popped out.

9:45 — SportsCenter outro music courtesy of the Mega Man X stage select screen.

9:44 — I'm sorry. This isn't SC Right Now. That was SC Just Then.

9:43 — They have three hours of this show. And less than in hour in, we already have our repeat story. USA swimming relay comeback. Does this mean we here at Deadspin have carte blanche to repeat stories?

9:42 — The Phillies have blue hats, natch, because that's one of their team colors. (?!?)

9:39 — If "SC Right Now" isn't for a few minutes ... when will then be now?

9:38 — Oh, we were supposed to ask Cris Carter questions in that e-mail link? I asked Josh Elliott what he has for breakfast. I misunderstood the form.

9:37 — Back from commercial, and Josh/Hannah just got done from laughing at a very funny joke. It was probably the one I sent them, two minutes ago.

9:33 — So I can bang out over a dozen meandering sentences for a live blog in a half hour, but how freakin' long does it take for me to phrase one — ONE — question to the SportsCenter team? The answer is 31 minutes. 31 minutes.

9:31 — Sage Steele is what appears to be "SC Right Now." An update on women's basketball. Judges, should we actually count this as the "actual breaking news item?" I'm going with "maybe."

9:29 — I gotta say. NASCAR crashes on road courses aren't that interesting, because they're going as fast as I normally would on the highway. And a car crash I can relate to ... not that exciting, let me tell ya.

9:27 — "SC Right Now," whatever that is, is four boxes from being now.

9:25 — Chris Carpenter leaves the game with an injury. C'MON, WHERE'S THE RECENT NEWS?

9:22 — Padraig Harrington will forever be known as golf's Hakeem Olajuwon.

9:21 — Sergio Garcia hits a crucial shot into the sand trap. Again ... where's the fresh news here?

9:19 — Gary Sheffield is unhappy with his role on the team. Hey, I thought this was new news they were bringing us.

9:15 — All right, back to the SportsCenter website, actually. We've got to ask a question that'll make it onto the show. We have three hours. Ready? BREAK. (Hey, I probably should include the link, ought'nt I?)

9:13 — Cris Carter breaking down football gives me the perfect opportunity to go over to that website and see that, probably seven years too late, they finally have a SportsCenter website. Anchor bios! Blogs! Video! All right, I'm suddenly bored with that website. You should be to. Return to this live blog. Hey! C'mon. Come back. [lays plate of bacon underneath propped-up box]

9:11 — I'm supposed to go on the ESPN website and vote for something, but ... ooh, big pretty NFL logos. They look plush, but I'm sure if I tried to playfully fall into one of those logos, there would be some kind of painful injury.

9:09 — A-Rod. Hmm. What's that short for? Ah, I guess I'll never know.

9:08 — I'm sorry. I can't get over these boxes. I know that I have plenty of time before they bring us the preliminary Olympic judo results. No, I am not paid an extra amount of money to praise the concept of useful boxes.

9:07 — ELL-OH-ELL, HANNAH SAID "BROOPER" INSTEAD OF "BLOOPER" THAT IS COMICAL!

9:05 — The bottom ticker has a grammatically correct sentence about the score of the USA-China women's basketball game. Don't think I've seen that before.

9:03 — Oh, this is convenient as hell. Little boxes on the right containing upcoming stories, so you schedule when exactly to take your morning piss.

9:01 — I gotta say, that was an impressive finish by USA swimming in the relay, but I don't think the French are going to let Eric Gagne swim the final leg of the relay any more.

9:00 — And ... rolling. And ... Brett Favre. Twenty seconds in, and already one box marked off.

Pre-show Babble

So, after reading Michael David Smith's interview with Josh Elliott, a.k.a., the guy next to Hannah Storm that I think I've seen before, I'm well aware that Elliott is well aware that I am live blogging this. But does he know I know? Will he find out that I know? Furthermore, how many iterations of back-and-forth knowing can we get to before next Wednesday? I'm going with 6.

Now for the bingo sheet. It's quite the chore to delve into the minds of one of these anchors, since they're way more focused than sports announcers and analysts. I always pictured the internal monologue of these folk to be "Dontfuckup dontfuckup dontfuckup dontfuckup." And since I can't very well use that for 24 squares, this was the next best option:

This is an interesting move by the WWL on a couple of fronts: first, it's not like running the re-treads of the previous nights SportsCenter were doing poorly in the ratings. Storm will (according to sources) be the showcase anchor for the 9 a.m.-12 p.m. slot and paired with another male anchor for that slot. But make no mistake — it'll be Hannah Storm's show and any other person in that slot will be riding bitch.

Storm was not renewed as the CBS Morning Show's anchorprincess, a deal that expires this month. But she won't be getting network anchor money in her new role at ESPN. She's taking a significant cut. This is even more problematic for anybody riding along in the sidecar-sissy seat with Storm; they won't be getting the top-talent money to fill that slot.

But who are the viewers ESPN is trying to attract with this move? Even though it's not being packaged as Cold Pizza 2.0, Storm wouldn't be getting that slot if the WWL brass wasn't attempting to give their morning shows a little Meredith Vieira juice and tone down the highlight heavy, wise-assery of primetime SC. Storm's absolutely got all the credentials to fill that role as a legit (possibly overqualified) news anchor, but she won't be expected to start dropping P.S., I Love You references during baseball highlights as part of her duties.

Consider this the latest evolution of ESPN as they continue to attract every single demographic out there. So, sports-addicted mini-van mommies, you are finally being recognized. Also? This move prevents any protests from Charlie Weis had they moved Dana Jacobson into that slot — Storm's a Notre Dame grad.

Hannah Storm to become new host for ESPN's Sports Center [SI.com]

Of course, you have to trust the judgment of the backroom cabal that chooses the Sports Emmy nominees. Take a look at some of their nominees this year:

• Jim Lampley
• Joe Buck (two nominations)
• Tim McCarver
• "Ali Rap" (three nominations)
• "Off Mikes"

So, clearly, they're locked in to what the sports world loves and needs.

2007 Sports Emmy Nominations [Emmy Online]

Beginning Monday, "SportsCenter" viewers will get Dan Patrick and Fred Hickman for the 5 p.m. show, John Anderson and Steve Levy at 10 p.m. and Neil Everett and Scott Van Pelt at midnight. The latter two teams will flip time slots each month.

It's important to streamline; otherwise, it will be extremely difficult to find screen time for Nick Lachey.

ESPN To Pare Down SportsCenter

We were trying to figure out what Rosenhaus was thinking during these interviews. Was he happy? Was he concerned? Was he calculating?

We think we've figured it out. What was Rosenhaus thinking? "I'm on TV. I'm on TV. I'm on TV. I'm on TV. T.O. I'm on TV."

Drew Rosenhaus [Wikipedia]

This guy's salary for hosting "Teammates" must either be through the roof. And hey, who can say he's not worth it?

Stuart Scott Profile [HireSportsSpeakers.com]

We understand that it's kind of cool for ESPN to get an interview with James Toney, the boxer who just lost his championship belt after testing positive for steroids, so soon after the news came out. But forcing the poor man to answer questions on the "Budweiser Hot Seat" is just mean. Sample exchange:

Brian Kenny: What do you have to say to John Ruiz [the boxer Toney beat] now that you've tested positive for steroids?
James Toney: James Toney don't know ... James Toney ... that's just James ... James don't know John Ruiz ... James Toney ... I hate needles!

Toney Out, Ruiz Again The Champ [New York Times]