Despite getting the catchy nickname of "One of the most consistent hitters in the game" by teammate Matt Murton, Aramis Ramirez failed to take advantage of a lead-off double in the 9th by Derrek Lee. With one out and Lee on third, Bobby Jenks forced the Cubbie into grounding out weakly to short when a sac fly would've sent the game to extra frames. Carlos Quentin took Carlos Marmol deep in the 7th to put the Pale Hose up 6-5 for good. Today the White Sox try to avenge the sweep at Wrigley earlier this month. Call it a hunch, but the camera may not be checking in with Kerry Wood today.

For The Departed, An Ankiel Sighting- The Cardinals finally solved the noisome riddle that is the Kansas City Royals, getting their first victory in five games against K.C. this year. Rick Ankiel had a two-run homer and Mitchell Boggs allowed one run in six innngs to improve to 3-0.

Tigers Reach .500-hood - Todd Jones did his best to stave it off, but Le Tigre have finally made their way back to a .500 record thanks to a 7-6 win over Colorado that was quite rife with blown saves. Miguel Cabrera knocked a two-run double in the bottom of the 9th off Rockies' closer Brian Fuentes to make Detroit 14-3 over their last 17 games.

Delcarmen Being Delcarmen - The less celebrated Manny in Boston surrendered three runs in the 8th, including a go-ahead two-run double to Lance Berkman, as the Red Sox fall to the 'Stros 11-10. Berkman started the game 0-3 with three strikeouts against starter Jon Lester, but came back with two instrumental hits about Lester was pulled. Boston wasted four-hit games by Mike Lowell and Dustin Pedroia.

In a swampy soup more Bayou than Beantown, God’s Tears threatened to fall more than once. The Great Father finally wept for nearly an hour, holding up this shining example of the Pastime, and sending many faithful scurrying to the foul-smelling runways of His Park. The delay only added to the exceptional breadth of the gala, which challenged the stamina of most onlookers, and broke the tape in the gloaming, even on the longest day of the year.

When SuperYid Youkilis made the oil last all the way to the thirteenth innings, then uppercutted a Long Sock over the Monstrosity, the Once-Massacred had much more than simply a skip-away 5-3 V. After consecutive drubbings at the hands of the faceless but hardly punchless RedBirds from Arch City, the defending titlists needed a reversal to drown out the sudden cynics in the media, unsatisfied as they are with the astounding fortune Fate has bestowed on this Cradle of Revolution. Not even Mayday Malone, who once famously admonished boobirds to “root root root for the home team” could fathom such Ownership of October. Yet, for all the glad tidings, the infamous Clavinist gloom is ever-hovering, ready to pall the bright lights of this American Athens, and this most mouthy of fanbases, who rightly should shut hole for the foreseeable future, will pounce with harsh words once more.

So the Golem’s Mighty Swing was not merely a belated Shavout gift (or an early Tisha B’Av present) to the New Englanders, but a potent silencer to all the Summer Soldiers in pink Sawx caps, who were tacking onto an ill wind at the thought of the first brooming of the season at Yawkey Way (not counting a mini-sweep at the hands of the Ontarians in the Cruelest Month). Quite a feat for the Hellacious Hebe, who once upon a time could be had for Milk Money. Now, he’s worth his weight in shekels.

The Burgundy Birds looked cinch to untether the game several times, none more so than in the tourist half of the 13th, when Adam “El Matador” Kennedy smashed a sizzler to starboard with Chris “Sibling Rivalry” Duncan aboard. J.D. “Charmin” Drew, of all gents, continued his recent superb display of all-around skills. His grace in the batting rectangle is unquestioned, and now, in this crucible, he unbottled a honey of a Clemente to drop Duncan’s drawers at the Money Bag (full credit to The Ticker, Jason Veritek, for withstanding Duncan’s attempt at battery to make the putout. Considering his futility in the rectangle of late, it makes the “Hub’s Heart’s” defensive stalwartness that much more praiseworthy). Moments subsequent, another great roar drifted over the Fens as the Vermillion Victors avoided a brooming.

While Middle America’s Team will chalk up the D to triskaidekaphobia, truth told, this epic should have been in the can long before. Both nines fully burdened the bags in the eleventh innings, only to roll snake eyes. Jason “Generation K” Isringhausen missed the ash of Joey “Blade” Cora and Jacoby “Dirt Worshipper” Ellsbury to get himself deSmuckered, while Craig “Big Red” Hansen did the same to Ryan “Blackjack” Ludwick. And on went the day’s doings.

Jon “Livestrong” Lester and “Average” Joel Pineiro were the starting slabtoers, but their exemplary efforts were lost in the mists of time. Let the record state that this was indeed a hill duel worthy of Burr V. Hamilton. A mere brace of tallies besmirched either hurler’s slate, and both toiled for seven innings. The Survivor managed an out in the eighth innings, but Joe-L did not, as Coco drove him Loco (and to the baths) with a leadoff trifecta. Rubber reinforcer Chris “Cable Modem” Perez entered the fray. The Harvard Yarders were unimpressed with the Freshman Fireballer, swiftly touching him for a Kamikaze Out from the ash of Julio “The 4-9-0” Lugo that plateaud the contest. A safety and three free passes later, Perez had wandered into a speedtrap, his pitching eye now resembling that of Steve Blass. The newbie singlearmedly put his Magenta Maulers in arrears by a tally. SuperYid strolled up, in a position to Prudential the match, but couldn’t catch up to high heat. He would have to wander the desert for (seemingly) forty days until the atonement.

For Augie’s Men came off the canvas to add yet more curry to an already spicy brew. The Zeus of Concluders, Jonathan “Terio” Papelbon, was well and proper Olympian at first blush, causing tornados of failure swings from Hobbs Ankiel and Yadier “The Charm” Molina. But Substitute Swinger Duncan, whose gluteus is as Red as his flannels, went after the opportunity like it was his brother, and finagled a free pass. The Bullfighter then gobsmacked the Faithful, clotheslining an offering that, unlike its server, refused to Trip The Light Fantastic. The pill skied to the farthest reaches of the Picasso-esque Playing Pitch, and by the time it was returned to Firestarter, Duncan had touched the Domicile Dish. It was 3-3, a scoreline that remained intact through enough tribulations and derring-do to satisfy any base ball aficionado.

This peculiar and beguiling tug-of-war was combated in the context of a greater loss for all of us in the sporting green, as well as the political arena and this puzzling conglomeration of opinionators known collectively as the “blogosphere.” Yes, “Mr. Right” himself, Curt Schilling, announced that he will not crimson his stirrups for Ye Olde Towne Team anymore this campaign, and indeed, he may have chucked his last spear. Most who have grown weary of Mr. Right’s megalomania will shout “good riddance” at news of his departure, while retaining a sneaking admiration for his Leitchian body of work on the bump. Love him or Nixon him, he will be missed. Godspeed in your new endeavors.

The job of driving the cooler actually falls to a rookie — usually Kyle McClellan — and according to the photo below, there is nothing more potent inside than Gatorade. And of course it is not allowed to leave the ballpark, as bad things can happen to a man on a motorized cooler out on the mean streets, as we learned just recently.

But the more I examine it, this looks suspiciously like a factory-made Cruzin Cooler to me. Yet Isringhausen supposedly said he made it himself. Sen. Arlen Specter, the ball's in your court.

(In case you think that the La Russa DUI angle has been neglected here, don't worry; Sports By Brooks has you covered).

The Law Finally Catches Up With the Cruzin Cooler [Deadspin]
Cooler On Wheels [St. Louis Post Dispatch]
Cardinals Better Keep An Eye On La Russa Around It [SportsbyBrooks]

It was the Leitch family's first trip to Fenway, and our father couldn't get over the fact that they had seats on top of the wall now. But we really couldn't get over how warm and pleasant everyone was; other that one douche who high-fived us to say "thank you for 2004, dude, yeah!" the whole Fenway crew had a vibe that was on the right side of the force. Unlike some people.

We did enjoy the team shop. Did you know you could buy a Dice-K thong? We had no idea there was such a market.

We hope that Sox fans will remember how Busch Stadium security — in a move that's pretty magnanimous even for St. Louis fans — allowed Red Sox boosters outside the old Busch Stadium to watch the end of Game 4 of the World Series for free. You have to be nice to us now, right?

More to the point: For all the success, infuriating and otherwise, that the New England area has had to celebrate over the last few years, they've never actually clinched a title at home. Both the World Series wins were on the road, and the Super Bowl wins were, you know, at the Super Bowl. We are curious how Boston will handle a hometown championship win.

If it happens, of course.

The St. Louis catcher was flattened by Phillies' pinch runner Eric Bruntlett in the ninth, but held onto the ball for the out that helped preserve a 6-all tie. The Cardinals then came back in the 10th to win it when Rick Ankiel scored from second on an error at first. Molina was taken off the field on a stretcher, which was technically a body board, or what I prefer to call being carried off on his shield. He was held at the hospital overnight for observation, but seems to be OK according to manager Tony La Russa. He'll surely be out for at least a few days though. The team has already lost pitcher Adam Wainwright and first baseman Albert Pujols, so that sucks. (Ed. Note: And yet we keep winning! It's magic!)

Meanwhile, Chien-Ming Wang sprained his right foot running the bases during the Yankees' 13-0 victory over the Astros, and left the clubhouse on crutches. He'll have an MRI today. Just the two more men down in this the year of living dangerously in MLB; it seems like everyone's getting hurt. Hey, I'm not saying it has anything to do with more stringent drug testing. Not me.

• All The Right Moves. So the Dodgers' Clayton Kershaw and the Tigers' Nate Robertson are both throwing shutouts over four innings, when rain delays the game. During a 47-minute break, Detroit manager Jim Leyland has Robertson keep throwing in an indoor batting cage, while LA manager Joe Torre just decides to replace Kershaw. Result: Roberston finished with six shutout innings, and the Tigers won 5-4, their sixth straight victory.

• Dark Cloud Over Mets' Dugout. Willie Randolph's job appears safe for the next 48 hours or so, but don't be surprised if two of his coaches — Rick Peterson and Tom Nieto — are gone sometime today. I'm sure the whole thing will be handled tastefully, though; probably through an announcement by Rally Monkey on the Jumbotron.

• You Know The Nearer Your Destination The More You're Slip-Slidin' Away. A rain delay on Saturday (see above) caused the Mets and Rangers to play a doubleheader on Sunday, which they split. Pinch-hitter Robinson Cancel (!), had a two-run single to help win it for Pedro Martinez, 4-2, in the second game. The Rangers took the opener 8-7. Your slip-n-sliders are Ian Kinsler, Josh Hamilton, Michael Young, Josh Rupe and Milton Bradley.

• A Cheap Way To Pad Your Stats. Mike Cameron had a two-run homer to lead the Brewers over the Twins 4-2, a game which will be more noted for Minnesota starter Scott Baker, who struck out four batters in the third; the first Twins' pitcher to do that.

• Say Goodbye To The Hall Of Fame Game. The Hall of Fame Game in Cooperstown, going on right now between the Padres and Cubs, will be discontinued after this year due to "scheduling problems." The game had been played every year since 1940.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Yadier Molina, St. Louis Cardinals. Wizard Cat is rushing a "Hang In There" cat poster to Mr. Molina, who receives seven wands for this play. He's probably at home in bed right now still clutching that ball.

Fact: If you were to line up the home runs by Chase Utley, Ryan Howard, and Pat Burrell in the first inning back-to-back, you would have ... [shifts abacus] three runs. The 700 Level has video proof this math is accurate. (Note: I will start embedding Redlasso videos when they starting disembeding leukemia into my browser.) From there it just went downhill, including a 9-run fourth, three Cardinals ejections in the eighth, and infielder Aaron Miles coming in to pitch the 9th, which oddly enough was St. Louis pitching's only 1-2-3 inning. Howard went 3-for-5 with two home runs, 4 runs and 5 RBI, and some rookie dude named Carlos Ruiz had 4 hits and 4 RBI, both career highs.

The Tigers Have A 30-Game Winning Streak. That's a world record! Okay, sure, technically they have losses mixed in there — 37 to be exact, but seven of those were at the beginning of the season — and, admittedly, the win streak in the purest, truthiest sense is only four games after a 5-0 win over the Dodgers. But that streak is still the longest in the majors right now, which should count for something. And the thing is, the most recent loss was that Dontrelle Willis monstrosity, and he's a Single-A pitcher now, so the loss doesn't really count. And the four-game losing streak last week? Well, all those days occurred on weekdays, while nobody's really paying attention since they have work and family functions and large quantities of sleep in between each day. In fact, you can look at every loss the Detroit Tigers have had this year and deduce that it's but an aberration and really shouldn't count against the winning streak. Thirty in a row, here's to thirty more! (For the entire season, of course.)

Do You Like Me?

World Series Preview, No Doubt. The Rays beat the Marlins 7-3 in a matchup of the year's two surprising teams. Somebody poke Florida, it just feel asleep on itself. Also, it's nothing to be alarmed about, but Cliff Floyd had his first stolen base in two years. By the way, does anyone know how to fly a plane?

The Barry Zito Watch. The jillion dollar man went 5 2/3, gave up four runs, six hits, and four walks in the 5-1 loss to the A's. But between innings, Zito came up with an idea for a killer acoustic guitar song. It's like Oasis meets Dave Matthews. Working title: "Your Heartbeat Is My Vitaminwater."

Chicago is 2 1/2 games head of second-place St. Louis in the NL Central, and losing Pujols (16 homers) for any significant amount of time really sucks for the men in red. But hey, at least they're getting Joel Pineiro back! Pujols suffered the injury while running out a ground ball, the Cardinals going on for a 7-2 win. He was flown to St. Louis Tuesday night, where he will have tests done today. Grow, calf, grow! Griffey was 0-for-3 with a walk in his first home game since hitting his 600th career home run Monday in Florida.

• C.C. Rider. C.C. Sabathia threw a five-hit shutout as the Indians beat the Twins 1-0. Ryan Garko's double in the first drove in the only run. Fun fact from the blog Castro Turf: The Twins haven't had a starting pitcher record a victory since May 29.

• Let The Willie Randolph Death Watch Resume. Chris Snyder's homer in the eighth led Arizona to a rain-delayed 9-5 win over the Mets; New York's fifth straight loss. Orlando Hudson, Stephen Drew and Conor Jackson also homered for the Diamondbacks. Mr. Met still recovering, unable to comment.

• Cubs 10, Braves 5. Tom Glavine (elbow strain) joins John Smoltz on the Braves' unable-to-perform list.

• Huff Said. Aubrey Huff, who entered the game 1-for-7 with three strikeouts against Boston reliever Hideki Okajima, had fours hits — including a two-run single off of Okajima — as the Orioles won 10-6.

• D-Train Takes Slight Detour. The Tigers have sent Dontrelle Willis to Class A Lakeland to "work on his control," to which we at MLB Closer snarkily reply, what control? Willis (0-1) has walked 21 batters in 11 1/3 innings, giving up eight earned runs, walking five, in 1 1/3 innings on Monday against Cleveland. The good news for Willis is that he arrives in Lakeland just in time for All-You-Can-Eat Night, as the Flying Tigers take on the Brevard County Manatees tonight at 7 p.m.

• Wizard Cat Defensive Player Of The Day. Reed Johnson, Chicago Cubs. This catch actually doesn't seem wandworthy in real time, but the replay proves that there was some sort of wizardry afoot. There's no way that ball should have landed in that glove. Wizard Cat gives this catch: Four wands, although Indifferent Ape remains unimpressed.

Contact Wizard Cat at Wizardcat@live.com

Bob Forsch was the NLCS MVP, and now we face the hated Yankees — Don Mattingly finally made a World Series! — in the Series starting Saturday. The manager of the Yankees is Bill Daughtry, of ESPN Radio 1050-New York. We say screw Dale Berra. In a perfect world, this would be the second of three consecutive World Series appearances for our 'Birds ... though we're gonna actually try to win this one. Stay away, Denkinger!

1986: Take Two [The Sporting News]

By the way, do you love our awesome television? HD? What HD?

Jim Edmonds? Wearing a Cubs jersey? Perish the thought. But Cubs fans are even less thrilled about the possibility than Cardinals fans are. To say the least.

• Out Of Right Field: "Nobody in Chicago likes him. Nobody in Chicago will EVER like him. Nobody in Chicago likes his upper cut swing. Nobody in Chicago likes how he turns routine plays into "spectacular" with his unnecessary diving. Nobody in Chicago likes how he sprints around the bases after he hits a home run. Nobody in Chicago likes the fact that he wears guyliner."

• Bleed Cubbie Blue: "If the Cubs insist on signing a washed-up, injured, 38-year-old centerfielder who was released by a team in desperate need of hitting, at least send Jim Edmonds to Iowa for a week or two first, and let Pie play. The bottom line is: the Cubs are 23-15, winners of four in a row and five of six, and scoring metric buttloads of runs. Why mess with success? Please, Jim. Don't do it."

• Hire Jim Essian: "Jim Hendry, you've done an awful lot of dumb things in your tenure as the Chicago Cubs' general manager. You signed Neifi Perez a couple of times. You thought Shawn Estes belonged in a starting rotation. You traded Kyle Farnsworth right after a crap year instead of right after a good year. You ate that whole cheesecake that had been sitting out on the counter for a week, even though I told you that the top shouldn't feel slimy. I've forgiven you for most of those things. But so help you God, if you sign Jim Edmonds, you are dead to me."

It is rare to find anything that Cubs fans and Cardinals fans agree on. The horror of Jim Edmonds in a Cubs uniform is one of them. This is not going to end well.

By the way, this move is probably not good business for Edmonds' new restaurant/nightclub in St. Louis.

For years, we have dreamed of a Cardinals-Cubs playoff series. It would be like the Red Sox-Yankees, except everyone would be nicer to each other. The Cardinals-Cubs rivalry is our favorite because it's fierce but good-natured; both team's fans desperately want the others' to lose, and suffer, but it's nothing personal. We're all very Midwestern that way.

The Cardinals are a half-game up on the Cubs in the NL Central, and though it's early May, and it's difficult to argue that the Cubs aren't ultimately the better team, it's still inspiring to dream of a season-long pennant chase. In this 100th year since the Cubs won the World Series, it would have a certain poetry to see the two teams in the NLCS, battling out to decide history. It's not gonna happen, but dammit: We can dream.

Anyway, in case you were wondering what we were up to this weekend. Because of course you were.

They've got an afternoon game today that we surely just jinxed, but any Cardinals fan paying attention — and based on attendance figures so far, there are fewer than there have been the last few years, a little chip in our self-congratulatory Best Fans In Baseball armor — has already noticed this team is a different beast that we've become accustomed to. None of those late-in-life ugly "veterans" that Tony LaRussa is addicted to, no Tony Womack, no Jeff Fassero, no Jason Christensen. It's a bunch of young guys with names like Skip, and Rico, and Ryan who keep scrapping out wins. The team looks alive; it looks like it cares. That hasn't been the case, really, since 2004, and that includes the World Series winner in 2006. Last night good ole Rick ended a 17-pitch at-bat with a walk. Jim Edmonds would have gotten bored around pitch nine and just grounded to second.

We know this will cause Kyle Lohse to get hammered today — he's 2-0 with a 1.04 ERA! Kyle Lohse! — and that this cannot last. But right now, two weeks into the season, a Cardinals team we were just hoping wouldn't embarrass us has the best record in baseball. Forgive us, but we had no choice but to note the occurrence. Admit it: You're impressed we lasted this long.

Making It Last [Viva El Birdos]

(Photo via the St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

Weaver, who signed a one-year contract after one of the most dominant postseason performances in recent memory and ended up practically destroying the Mariners' pennant chances (and any hope at a contract this year), has finally landed with a team: The Nashville Sounds.

Yes, Weaver signed a minor league contract with the Milwaukee Brewers, and if everything goes perfect, he could be with the team in a month. We do hope he pitches for the Brewers at Busch at some point this year. Busch Stadium is the only place on earth that would welcome Weaver with a standing ovation ... and that includes the Weaver household.

Weaver Signs With Brewers [Milwaukee Journal Sentinel]

Apparently there was some sort of pregame argument between Pujols and Houston's Brandon Backe, and that did not spell good news for the Astros. Although Pujols downplayed it. "No matter who gets me mad or doesn't get me mad, I'm going to go out there and play the game the right way every time,'' he said. From AP: "The exchange lasted a few minutes. It involved yelling and ended with Astros manager Cecil Cooper putting his arm across Backe and guiding him away from Pujols. It apparently was over Pujols sliding into Astros catcher J.R. Towles in the eighth inning of the Cardinals' win over the Astros on Tuesday, an event Pujols had already apologized to Towles for." Pujols also had a run-scoring single and Rick Ankiel had two RBI. It was Pujols' first homers of the season. Bradon Looooooper! allowed five hits and three runs in 5 2/3 innings, striking out four. St. Louis is 7-2 in the Central, a half-game up on the second-place Brewers.

• Tigers Win! Tigers Win! Cigarettes for everyone! After scoring only 15 runs during an 0-7 start, Detroit rolled several runs off the assembly line to beat the Red Sox 7-2. Marcus Thames and Carlos Guillen homered, Edgar Renteria had three hits and Ivan Rodriguez got the 2,500th hit of his career for the Tigers, who also drew eight walks. Well, that helps.

• And Now Even The Mets Are Winning. The Mets beat the Phillies? Must be some sort of mixup. Of course, Philly was playing without Jimmy Rollins, but New York still broke a nine-game losing streak to their hated rival, winning 8-2. Eric Bruntlett and his Magic Fingers made two errors at short — he was filling in for the injured Rollins — and Phillies starter Kyle Kendrick walked six in the first two innings. The paradoxically named Angel Pagan had a two-run double for the Mets.

• Taste The Rockies. Oh Braves, your pitching is so good. Yorvit Torrealba had a three-run homer in a six-run third as the Rockies won their third straight, 12-6. Atlanta used three pitchers; two with ERAs of more than 15.00.

• Now What's Going On Here? Hard to imagine any kid taking a hard line on trading his Zack Greinke baseball cards, but that's the way it could be shaping up. It's Greinke Fever! He threw eight scoreless innings to lead the Royals to a 4-0 win over the Yankees, improving to 2-0 with an 0.60 ERA. KC (6-2) leads the Central Division. Baltimore (AL East) and Florida (NL East) are also in first, in case you are asked.

We're trying to imagine what the equivalent Spiezio jersey would be. A needle, perhaps?

Fan of the Week :: La Russa .093 Jersey [Joe Sports Fan]
Even Geniuses Sometimes Forget To Put The Car In Park [Deadspin]

Now I'm not going to pretend to know which of the brothers Molina could have elicited such passion from the young fan, but something tells me that she'd quickly shed that ramshackle jersey for Benjie, Jose or Yadier (or Jamie, Chris, and Beef for that matter). What I do know is that a certain Albert Pujols fan really needs to step her game up. It's nothing that can't be accomplished without a jersey, a pair of scissors and a little bit of low self-esteem.

And now, another picture...

Fan of the Week

We were discussing with our fellow Cardinals dorks about which Opening Day was worse. This year's, in which a Cardinals team that will be struggling for wins had a likely victory (along with a Pujols homer and two Ankiel RBIs) washed away, or last year's, in which the Mets blew out the Cardinals and, oh yeah, Chris Carpenter hurt himself and still hasn't pitched, more than a year later.

Believe it or not, we decided that this year was actually worse. The anticipation of Opening Day is so palpable, so invigorating, that having the thrill of a four-run first inning, and a Pujols bomb, everything reminding you of what you've missed .... to see all that just splashed away, that's worse. At least it felt worse.

Alas. We'll be back out there tonight, regardless. After all, it's Kyle Lohse vs. Kip Wells. Now that's an Opening Day matchup.

Busch Becomes Field Of Streams In Opener [STLToday.com]

(Photo via The St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

Will Leitch is the editor of Deadspin and the author of three books, including God Save The Fan, released by HarperCollins in January. His words are after the jump.

—-—-—-—-—-—-—-—-

You know, all told, it's not all that bad of a time to be a Cardinals fan. Sure, it's probably gonna be a long year — unless you're overly persuaded by the fastball stylings of Todd Wellemeyer — but we know that coming in. It's not like we're the Giants or anything; we clearly see that the Cardinals need to get younger, so this is a transitional year, purging the Rolens and Edmonds and giving kids like Brendan Ryan, Ryan Ludwick, Brian Barton and, yes, Rick Ankiel a chance. If the Cardinals finish .500, it will be a success, and no one will consider the year an unmitigated disaster of they don't.

As a sports fan, I tend to only find myself truly passionate when I am attempting to head off failure. (It's like this in life too; it's really quite awful.) Don Denkinger in 1985 was awful. Losing to the Giants the year Darryl Kile and Jack Buck died was awful. Being swept by the Red Sox in four games — and having Drew Barrymore and Jimmy freaking Fallon run on our field directly afterwards, like they owned the place or something — that was awful.

This year? Nothing too awful can happen this year. When expectations are low, it's difficult for the news to be too devastating. Barring an implosion of Albert Pujols' aorta, nothing can go too wrong this year. We're looking at positive increments forward, with the inevitable steps back easily shaken off.

Except: The Cubs.

The Cardinals-Cubs rivalry is every bit as storied as the Yankees-Red Sox, but, you know, a little nicer. Neither team's fans are ever in danger of being throw off the balcony when they show up at the opposing team's stadium, for example. But do not mistake this for passivity; Cardinals fans and Cubs fans revile each other teams with considerable fervor. May I remind you of my favorite Cubs memory:

October 2003. I was at my apartment in the Inwood neighborhood of Manhattan, listening to Cubs-Marlins Game 6 on the radio because I didn't have cable. Cubs were up 3-0, bottom of the seventh. My phone rings. It's my father. I know what he wants.

So yeah: That's probably my favorite Cubs moment.

I like to consider myself a reasonable nice person, but, jesus, that's just mean. And that's what I'm talking about. In a season in which the Cardinals have no real stakes, the only thing that can truly go wrong is the Cubs making/winning the World Series.

As you've all heard ad nauseum, this year marks the 100th year since the Cubs last won the World Series. In that time, the Cardinals have won 10 World Series. Obviously, that was not a number any Cardinals fan has to look up. We all take much pride in this number; in my home town of Mattoon, it's about 65 percent Cardinals fans, 35 percent Cubs fans. We loved to remind that 35 percent of that number repeatedly.

But lo, the Cubs look far superior to the Cards this year — and it hurt my soul just to type that — which means that the only thing that can go wrong in 2008 is the Cubs winning the World Series. Imagine it. Lou Piniella on the cover of Time. The Cubs becoming America's wild success story (we're sure Chicagoan Obama, White Sox fan or no, would get some mileage out of it too). And someone would certainly drag poor Steve Bartman out for Matt Lauer too. The Cubs would be everywhere. It would be poetic and wonderful and all we dream of for our great game.

And God: It would be awful.

In fact, our pick makes our stomach turn over a bit, but alas. We think this division's going to be a lot better than people think.

1. Chicago Cubs. We're not ready to go with the "they win the World Series in the 100th year" business, but the lineup is starting to scare us a little.
2. Milwaukee Brewers. These guys reek of slow starters, followed by the firing of Ned Yost, followed by a crazy run to the wild card.
3. Houston Astros. This franchise is absolutely dead in two years. Their last gasp will push them into third place. Congrats, guys.
4. St. Louis Cardinals. The lineup should surprise — watch Brian Barton, kids — but man, is that really Todd Wellemeyer in the rotation? Heavens.
5. Cincinnati Reds. No longer will these guys sucker us in. It'll be fun to see who Griffey goes to, though.
6. Pittsburgh Pirates: Yes, yes, the Pirates are still around. Nice stadium too.

We type all this through gritted teeth. Your thoughts? Tomorrow, the National League West.

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch asked that question this morning, and it's key, because the Cardinals are counting on him this year. The thing about great stories — and regardless your view on Ankiel and HGH and whatever, last year was a great story — is that inevitably they have to keep going. The flash is over; now he has to be a regular player. And protect Albert Pujols in the lineup. Is he really ready for that?

We Cardinals fans are far from certain this tale is over, and we've been through too much not to be a little wary. If Ankiel starts off slowly, we are all going to fret. Is he going to lose it again? Is he ready for all this again? Forgive us: We still think of Ankiel as this troubled but good-hearted nephew we root for in more ways than just on-the-field. It will almost seem strange to see him as just another player, another outfielder, a guy on our fantasy team. We want him to do well for our team, but mostly, still, we just want him to do well for himself. We have 162 more games to find out, very soon.

Ankiel Ready To Provide Protection? [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

On June 7, Busch will feature ... Dave Matthews. With the Black Crowes opening.

"Busch Stadium was designed and built with a vision to accommodate the very best concert offerings, and Dave Matthews Band certainly qualifies as the very best," said Cardinals President Mark Lamping. "The new ballpark will provide an extremely unique, comfortable and exciting experience for music fans, one that we think will be as good as it gets anywhere in the Midwest. And, the fact we have Dave Matthews as our inaugural concert truly makes this an historical event for downtown St. Louis."

Here's hoping Dave Matthews breaks from tradition and doesn't unload "gallons of liquid human waste" on the Busch Stadium field. The Cardinals will leave that to Sidney Ponson, thank you very much.

Dave Matthews Band Confirmed As Inaugural Concert At Busch Stadium [Cardinals.com]

By our count, the following folks have had some sort of connection with this whole steroid business:

• Rick Ankiel.
• Ryan Franklin.
• Troy Glaus.
• Juan Gonzalez.
• Ron Villone.

And Tony La Russa was interested in Barry Bonds, remember. (And boy, what could have possibly gone wrong there?)

We've been asked if we have some problem with this, if we are some sort of Tony La Russa apologist, the same way he has been an apologist for all the steroid abusers he's managed over the years. We're not sure why this is; LaRussa is one of the most fun people to make fun of in sports. (He does it to himself.)

Our issue is not with LaRussa, who's just a guy who wants to win some games after all. (Is it a manager's job to kick guys off his team for doing steroids? That would seem like the exact opposite of what a manager should do.) It's our general exhaustion with the whole steroid business, which, we suspect, most of you share. Juan Gonzalez did steroids, Paul LoDuca did, Shawne Merriman did ... at the risk of sounding "cynical," how does this affect the price of butter in Egypt again?

The joy of being a sports fan, rather than someone involved in the echo chamber of sports as profession (ahem), is that sports doesn't have to be this big morality play for us. We can all hope that our favorite players are not on steroids, and we can boo those on other teams who are (or at least rumored to be), but we don't have to carry this stupid weight on our shoulders, as if our games have been ruined. This is not our life, this sports; this is something we enjoy to get away from our worldly woes. We didn't grow up worshiping Mickey Mantle; we grew up worshiping Michael Jordan, who probably got kicked out of the NBA for a year for gambling. We have no illusions about our heroes. They are flawed people who probably took some drugs to get ahead because it's really stressful and difficult to be a successful athlete and sometimes you feel like you need some help to stay in the game. It doesn't excuse it. It just makes the whole issue so tangled and so overwhelming that eventually you have to just say, "Aw, fuck it ... just play ball already." Boo, cheer, hiss, whatever: Just win, team, would ya?

This is the healthiest attitude we can imagine a sports fan mustering, and it's why when we boo Tony LaRussa this year, it'll be for starting Aaron Miles, and not for starting Juan Gonzalez. Though we suspect we'll probably end up doing that too.

Cards Reject Portrayal As Lax On Drug Use [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

(Throughout the upcoming baseball season, we'll be doing occasional Cardinals-centric posts that the millions of humans unfortunate enough not to be Cardinals fans won't care about. We'll label them accordingly and try to keep them out of your way. Consider this the first one.)

Here's a portion of LaRussa's conversation with Brian Burwell of the St. Louis Post Dispatch on Monday. Question: Did McGwire take steroids?

"Well, that's what you believe and you're probably right according to testimony, but that's not what I believe," La Russa said. "I watched Mark McGwire work."

I interrupted him.

"Wait a minute, Tony. You still don't believe McGwire used performance-enhancing drugs?"

"Absolutely not."

"Come on."

"Absolutely not," he said. "If you see Mark today, he still looks like he did then."

"No, he doesn't," I said.

"Yes, he does," La Russa said.

"No, he doesn't," I repeated.

La Russa tossed his hands in the air and looked at me in frustration. "Are you asking for my opinion or yours?" he said.

"I'm asking your opinion," I said. "But we're having a conversation, and I'm disagreeing with you."

And now here's LaRussa, on his reputation of harboring steroid users:

One way I was taught to survive is my No. 1 accountability factor is myself. This is my 30th year doing this at the major league level. There isn't anybody — the commissioner, our owner, the fans, you — there isn't any person, man or woman, who can make me any more accountable than I am now right now because of myself. And I know there isn't anything we've done in all those years that was — with one small exception where we stole signs, a little hiccup — there isn't anything else that has happened on our ballclubs in Oakland or St. Louis that there's a hint of illegality. There isn't anything that we didn't actively and proactively attempt to do it right."

Now to new business: The Great Scott Spiezio Experiment is over. The Cardinals on Wednesday released the infielder after learning that and arrest warrant had been issued on him by the Irvine Police Department on six charges stemming from a crash in late December.

The warrant alleges driving under the influence, driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of .08 percent or more, hit and run, aggravated assault, assault and battery.

Yikes. However, Paul S. Meyer, Spiezio's lawyer in Irvine, released a brief statement saying, "We anticipate a successful resolution to this misdemeanor matter." OK, then.

This has been your St. Louis Cardinals roundup for today. By tomorrow I expect to be fired, or possibly bludgeoned with a circus mallet. Goodbye.

LaRussa On McGwire, Others In The Mitchell Report [St. Louis Post Dispatch]
Cards Relesae Spiezio After Arrest Warrant Issued [St. Louis Post Dispatch[

We're not the only ones thinking it. Why can Jason Giambi play, and Andy Pettitte play, and Miguel Tejada play, but not Bonds? Indictments? Pshaw. Yesterday's news.

Shit, man: If the Cardinals can openly speculate about having Juan Gonzalez as a right fielder, you're telling us Bonds isn't worth the trouble? We're still thinking Oakland.

If that's not a 2008 Comeback Player of the Year in the waiting, we don't know what is.

Someone Should Take A Chance On Bonds [Simon On Sports]

It's just that we had really come to love Rolen, in spite of everything. And you can't overstate how popular this guy is among small-town Midwesterners. He's exactly the type of player they love: He's not a showboat, he hustles all the time, he looks like he takes IVs of corn starch before every game and he's, of course, white. Not a bad combination for a Midwestern ballplayer.

Rolen will always be remembered fondly by Cardinals fans, but for the same reason Jim Edmonds, David Eckstein and, yes, Tony LaRussa will ultimately be remembered fondly: Because he finally won a World Series. Of that amazing 2004 team, from just three-plus years ago, of the big four of Albert Pujols, Larry Walker, Edmonds and Rolen, only Pujols remains. We get older, faster, every year.

Passing Glaus [Viva El Birdos]

Yes, Rick Ankiel will be back, with the HGH revelations behind him, ready to inspire and elevate America. (He's sports' Barack Obama!) So, how we gonna kick this off? Oh ... it appears ... an arbitration hearing with Scott Boras. Ugh.

"You have a player whose contributions came first as a pitcher, then as a position player," the agent said. "The last player you're really talking about is Babe Ruth."

Man, everything just gets ruined. Stupid sports.

Cards Have Arbitration Coming Up [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

Supposedly he's a pretty good one too.

In Bottenfield's case, the itch to play music was present during much of his nine-year major league career. At one point, during the 1996 season, Bottenfield even began to bring his keyboard on the road with him. "Whenever baseball was not going so good, I couldn't wait to get back to my room to start playing and I started thinking that maybe I could do music someday," Bottenfield said. "But I felt like God was telling me, 'You know what Kent? I have you given you baseball right now. You need to set that music aside.' So I quit music completely and that's really when my career started taking off."

We love the mental image of Bottenfield getting together with Gary Gaetti and J.D. Drew, and irritating, say, teammates Brian Jordan and Fernando Tatis with their gospel keyboarding. Sometimes baseball locker rooms seem like the ideal social experiment.

Bottenfield: From All-Star To CCM Artist [BPSports]

As the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported yesterday, a teenager is suing the St. Louis Cardinals for putting up an inflammatory message about her. Well, someone with her initials. Kind of.

The message appeared on a scoreboard that allows fans to display custom remarks via their cell phones. According to the lawsuit, she was at a game with her high school in May 2006 when a female classmate sent the offending message.

It claimed the plaintiff "has an STD! Eww!" The girl, then 16, is identified only by her initials — A.B. The suit, filed Wednesday in St. Louis Circuit Court, claims that the "shame and humiliation" she suffered forced her to stay out of school, take her final exams in a separate office, and seek psychological counseling.

This is an awfully extreme reaction to a message that includes only initials, is flashed for about five seconds total and, you know, lacks the official endorsement of medical professionals. But then again ... A.B. has an STD! Ewwwwww! OMG!

Illinois Teen Sues The Cardinals [St. Louis Post Dispatch]

(UPDATE: Apparently they used her real name on the scoreboard, but her initials in the lawsuit. Our mistake.)

OK. Sorry about that. Carry on.

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Bernie Miklasz:

DeWitt and La Russa have reached agreement ... UPDATED. NOT a 3-yr deal ... Still don't know the terms, could be a 1-yr with an option. Just dont know yet.These details will be determined later.

But it's 100 percent that he's managing the Cardinals in 2008. 1 pm news conference today at Busch Stadium.

This had been expected; despite rumors that he was interested in the Yankees job, the Cardinals have made some personnel moves so far (Joel Piniero, for example) that have LaRussa's thumbprints all over them, even though they still don't have a general manager. So nighttime sunglasses should remain well in demand throughout the greater St. Louis area for at least the next 12 months.

It' Official: LaRussa Is Back [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]