Yes, , the estimable Emeritus and I will be hosting Dan Patrick's radio show between 9 a.m. and 12 p.m. I'm told it is also available on Direct TV, where you can watch us fidget and fuck up the show live in glorious HD. Thankfully, there are guests scheduled so you won't be forced to endure three hours of stammering, coughing and "ya' knows" the whole time.

Scheduled to talk to us as at some point during the day:

Tim Cowlishaw on Josh Hamilton
Richard Deitsch, SI on bucket list
Dan Patrick from the set of the Sandler movie shoot.
Michael Schur aka Ken Tremendous, maybe?

Possibly, hopefully, others (ahem, WHITLOCK) will be there to bail us out as well.

Oh, and just as soon as we finalized this news, we received this link courtesy of Sportress Of Blogitude. Perfect timing, Jason!

So, also, I won't be around much tomorrow. Let Dash and Tommy show you what is the what.

*****

Thanks for your continued support of The Anti-Jesus Hate-Filled TMZ Of Sports Internet Low-Life Club. It feels so real. It does.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Hanging With Mr. Hovan

chris hovan (tampa bay bucs) likes the ladies...he took the girl home on his right. the girl on his far left is my friend/hookup buddy. i took the pic. enjoy, jeremy

There's A Mole In My Heart That Can Only Be Filled By You

First emailer:

Holy moley we made that photo in last than 5 mins after the end of the game w/out the help of adobe photoshop! POST IT!!

Second emailer: Subject:

Mole at the end of the Celtics - Magic game

Third emailer: Subject:

Holy Moley The Celts Won!

Michael Phelps' Stripper Friend

Some details you may (or may not) want about the Mike Phelps Stripper story thats making the rounds today, I used to work with the gal at a club in West Virginia a couple years back. She got the tits about two-three years ago, then went to Baltimore to work for better money.

Last I heard she was at Ritz Cabaret in Baltimore. Here is her myspace. http://www.myspace.com/spanishgrl .

Don't know if you care, but if you do a follow up post I figured the details might help.

Oh, and she gives a SENSATIONAL lapdance.

At Least Mario Williams Is No Longer Speeding

saw mario williams at a club this week in houston. Apparently he likes his girls big. the girl who was all up on him the whole night was at least 6'2", white, and not skinny, but not too thick either. Also i heard from people who know the family he bought his house from that when he bought the house he paid for it with a suitcase full of cash. BALLIN.

Unapproved Commenter Of The Week: FOXXY PINK

Plaxico set her off apparently

Thought Was I Was About 2 Get Ready 2 Update My Twitter Profile. That Shit Just Crazy Does Anyone Kno How? Got Real Excited Was Gone Really Hook That Shit Up G.Well Fukk It Guess I'll Just Write Mah First FaceBook Note. Followers Of Some Many People On Twitter, But They Don't Kno Me.

Keep On Readin, You Have Nothing Else 2 Do But Kno Whats On Mah Mind. Marion Jones stands up for women.. Plaxico Burress. Got Damn Yall Fired Mah G! Michelle Obama Iz In Oprah Magazine.
Nick Cannon iz just a comedian dont b mad Eminem... Rihanna's in Mah Prayers Leave Her Alone She Simply Crying Out 4 Help. ... Halle Berry iz so Classy just learned Her New Dance.
Congrads Mary J on the Movie Ill Love 2 Work With Tyler Perry Some Day.
Chris Still a Boy Need 2 Grow Up 2 Me. God's The Onli Anwser Pray About It G. Beyonce up in Paris I can't wait to make that trip. Soulja Boy I Love U.. Please Don't Fall Into Beef, Simply Laugh at them Haters G. They See Success in us G. Ciara changed her swagg.. Another Hood Princess I see u G. Twitter Suggested Me 2 Become A Follower of DIDDY.. I need that type of Status. Workin For BadBoy One Day I See MySelf G. "Paper Plane".. I play Loud Mah Faviorte Song Right Now. Love 2 U Meet U M.I.A. ...... Paul Wall Back In Tha Game. Bet U Had Fun Wit That Grill Money.. John Legend I'm Pissed Bout That New York Post Shit 2. Aye this Office Mah Mother Turn Mah Room Into Iz Really Helpin Me Alot. Home From College, Aint UnPackin Shit.. Not Tryin To Get Comfortable In This Bitch.

Too Bad I Can't Find Out To Work Twitter..Just Dont Understand Im Ur Biggest Fan. Blastin UGK right NOW.." The Games Been Good 2 Me".. I Wrote a ReMix Its Funny Ass Can B. So Sorry About Ur Lost R.I.P. Pimp C. This Mah First Day In Detroit Can't Think Of Nothin Else Better 2 Do. Need 2 Go Bakk 2 Workin On Mah Cd so Tru. Mah Fingers hit they Keys n Haven't Stopped Since. Still Can't Figure Out How 2 Work This Shit. Foxxy Pink ain't Giving up, Let Me Ask Jeeves He Always Knows What 2 Do..LMAO! Gucci Mane Still Hot. Track Wit Foxxy Pink, Shid Y nOT!

LIL KIM & TRINA HAS NO TWITTER.. Jus Got Mad!! Kid Cudi feelin yo style. Day & Night Yeah I Kno How U Feel. Keri Hilson did a Song Wit Kanye.. Reall on The Move I Happy 4 u See U dOIN gR8. I've Learned That Real Success Come When Ur Not So Selfish. Tell people nice things, U never kno how They Feel!! Touch Down This Morin So Tired..Mad I Missed Church Today........... IM BAKK Took Short Break Jus Had 2 Dance..Bizzy Body Playin Jus Had 2 Move. Lil Wayne Sky's The Limit Motivate's Me Thru Life. Me & Mah Drink Reminds Me Of My Uncle... R.I.P. Unlce Fred!! Never Forgettin Roxy.. I Lost Mah ChildHood Friend.

Jay-Z married his dream grl.. I Cried! How Nice!! What Up, Nas Haven't Heard From U iN A WHILE.. How's Life? Musiq SoulChild Makes Me Feel So Good!! Wish I Was Tha Grl Next Door In Yo Hood. Why I'm Still Wirtin.. SHID THIS WHAT I DO. Spritually Gift from God. Why Not Use It. Close Mah Eyes n' Tear Of Joy.. Mah Future Iz Success.

Bakk 2 Where I Was.. Madd @ Twitter! Motivated Me 2 Let Every One Kno Im There Biggest Fan. Thanks To Who Eva Came Up With The Idea.. I Kno Feel Like Im Apart Of There Life. ... Tyra Banks, Iman, Kimora Lee Simmon and Alek Wek in Ebony Lookin Fly As They Can B. Lookin At Black People On Top, Sometimes I Cry tears Of Joy. First Time I Could Vote Was For OBAMA..See Change Lives Within Me. Obama kids have their on doll, Makes Me Feel Like A yOUNG bLACK Female.. Iz The Best Thing To B. Made Respect 4 Him, Please Go Teach My Father How 2 B A Dad. If I Could Find A Man Like U I'LL B 2 Glad. We In TMZ, they have nothing better 2 Talk About. Get So Emotional, But WE STARTED AT THE Bottom U Feel Me Now!!

Prayers for Shakir Stewart Family sorry for ur lost. Couldn't Imagine How That Feels. Michelle Davis Balfour Calm Down .. They'll Never Understand Ur Pain. Jus B Patient, God Always Shows Up At Right Tyme. Trust Me I kNO. Isiah Thomas take a break don't stress urself out. Jesse Jackson I totally understand.. OBAMA's PR I'll Love 2 B. All respect but thats not ur Job. Pacman Jones take control over ur anger.. Dont Let It Control U. tAKE a Long Walk Thats What I do. Kimbo Slice I Like Tha Tattoo.. Black Widow Jus Read a book about them Really Learned Alott.

Toni Braxton thats right live ur life no matter what. Mind Over Body.. No Offense But Fukk What Doctors Say. The Spirt Lives With In U.. Jus Had 2 Let U kno! " i walk like this cause i can back it up" LOL.. Beyonce I also Have a Big Ego As U Can C. Dang I Wish Aaliyah was here to .. To Meet Foxxy Pink. " Im From Tha D,G" yeah thats mah first track. Swagg Surfin in my video, Love 2 See Mah People Havin Fun. Biggie "Juicy" in mah head. Hopefully the It Isn't Tru.. Tupac Faked His Death. Thought I Lost That One.. Was Really Sad. Just Dont Find That Cool. U Lost Respect U Once Had.

Meet a Friend Tha West Coast, Put Me On Music I Never Heard. People Need 2 Be More Open. He Made Us All Unique, with in jus tha same.. Hopefully I never run out of paper might jus got write on a wall.Once had a crew of 40 mah pens mah best friend now... Bakk 2 tha Queens n Kings..Foxxy Pink tha Next Princess 2 B. y I sTOP.. Mah Phone Jus Had 2 Ring. Return 2 You All Later.. Prayin On Mah Cussin But we All Have Sins G. To Deliver Tha Messages God. gIVES mE??

Named 42 people, 42 BLESSINGS, I will recive. Success in 42 Weeks, Watch Out For Me! Would Have Jus Turned Twenty, Steady Waitin for Mah Bring Break…Before Yall Kno It Ill b, :::::::::::::::::::::::::::CAMP DIDDY READY!!::::::::::::: 4 Tha Game! Wait Tha Anwsered Just Came 2 Me. He Wouldn't Had Me Typing 4 Nothin….. TRINA said SAY SOMETHING!!

FoxxyPink@ymail

Semi-Heated Email Exchange With A Stranger

ANGRY JOSH:

I have some information that you might find very interesting, ready ? Here it is. You're a fucking bottom feeder, you're no better then the pond scum that work for the enquirer. Jason Whitlock may be the biggest asshole in the business but he is right about one thing, your site is the lowest of the low.

Josh

ME:

Thanks Josh! Helluva email.

ANGRY JOSH:

you're welcome

ME:

And what prompted this exactly? Are you just getting around to
Whitlock's column now or did something else aggravate you?

ANGRY JOSH

I'm just generally aggravated by the likes of Jason Whitlock, Bill Simmons, Peter Vecsey and sites like yours that exist solely for small minded mean spirited faux journalism. You know, the idea that everything goes and I'm gonna take out my personal beefs and feuds with others in my columns and or on my websites. Is that clear enough for you ? Josh

ME:

Not really. Maybe you should lift some weights?

ANGRY JOSH:

Ha Ha, I play pickup basketball with guys who act like bigger assholes then most sports writers so the weight lifting isn't necessary. I appreciate you getting back to me, most wouldn't even have the decency to do that, However don't you feel that your site maybe sometimes engages in a very mean spirited approach to flushing out news ? To be fair you're no different then anybody else out there but that doesn't necessarily make it right. Just one man's opinion

Josh

ME:

FUCK NO

Thanks for the tip, boss!

Nick Denton
to tips :

http://twitter.com/womensweardaily/status/1786731464

"A soccer team composed entirely of Italian fashionistas (Diesel's Renzo Rosso, Lapo Elkann) will play May 16 in Turin: http://cli.gs/0N9YB8"
- Women's Wear Daily (@womensweardaily)

Some people might consider this trashy tabloid journalism, but you know the source is credible because the paper interviewed her in a hot pink teddy. (Don't worry; she takes it off eventually. Links NSFW.) Theresa White claims she met Phelps at the club where she works as an exotic dancer and he invited her and a few friends back to his house for drinks and online poker. It was around then that she casually inquired about the menage a trois and thus began the three-hour, three-way sex romp. Everybody wins!

More highlights: According to Theresa, Phelps....

• Still loves the dope and got a little doughy during his suspension from the pool

• Is addicted to gambling and wants to become a pro poker player

• Is an emotional basketcase who cries like a baby "at the drop of a hat"

• Doesn't tip well and blows most of his strip club money on alcohol

• Is paranoid about cell phone cameras (Gee, I wonder why?)

• Huge mamma's boy, obvs

• Chews tobacco non-stop and has filled his house with spittoons. Amazing.

Anyway, aside from the spitting and the cheapness, Theresa says she would be happy to remain "sex buddies" with Mr. Phelps, but that his mother would not approve. I'm sure this interview will help smooth things over. Finally, props again to the News of the World (who broke the original Phelps pot-smoking story) for their phenomenal use of punnage that puts the New York Post and Daily News to (drug) shame.

"Medalled My Bongs" works on so many levels.

Michael Phelps had threesome with lapdancer Theresa White and stripper friend [News Of The World; some NSFW images]

Several individuals have forwarded us one or both of these images over the last few weeks, demonstrating evidence of the man's lusty, money-wasting ways. The first is a picture of Ovie looking stone cold hammered with fellow Russki and Montreal defenseman Andrei Markov. The other is a very detailed strip club receipt that would seem to indicate a rather long, rather expensive night at the titty bar. The internet being what it is, these two pictures somehow merged into one classic email forward and there's your urban legend.

(Click images for full size.)

A few problems though. First, how many strippers do you know that wear flowery sundresses and carry their purses with them out on the floor? Second, the receipt has no name or signature on it, so it could belong to anybody. Third, the bar identified at the top—Teazers Rivonia (possibly NSFW)—is in South Africa. The receipt is dated March 17, 2007. The Capitals had two home games that week; one on the 16th and one on the 18th. I hear Teazers is a cool place, but it's not that cool. (Thanks to a commenter here for noting the dates of the games.)

Who knows how or why the receipt became entangled with Ovechkin and I'm sure if he dropped nine grand on a series of lapdances and Amstel Lights he would not be ashamed to admit it. But it's not his.

Plus, the receipt is not in dollars. It's 9,146.00 Rand, which is like ... eight bucks or something. With tax. Trust me, the man rolls higher than that.

Alexander Ovechkin's Epic Night At A Strip Club [COED Magazine]

No, the ladies in the above photo are neither strippers nor queens, so let's not cast aspersions upon them like that. They just won the Jim Edmonds Google image search contest. And Edmonds apparently owns the restaurant where this event is taking place,so let's not pin the scumbag tag on him so quickly either.

Here's the flyer, courtesy of the Riverfront Times:

Classy! 20 dizzy, bubble-chested girls. One long pole. Jim Edmonds.Even though he's now a Cub, I know some lovely people in Mattoon that might be willing to hop on the family motorcycle and make that trip to see this in person.

The only thing that would make it more special is if Texas A&M-Commerce guard Britney Jordan would slap on the pasties one more time since Edmonds is back in town.

Queen Of The Pole: With Special Guest Jim Edmonds [Riverfront Times]

Ok, this one is more of a blogger obsession than a major media obsession. Why? Because we bottom feeders love scandal, and there is no greater recipe for scandal than rich, anxious athletes facing the most pressure-packed moment of their lives ... and adding naked ladies.

Plus, this year's host city is legendary for the breadth and quality of its gentlemen's clubs. Many, many, many individuals are in town for something other than a chance to win a championship and they need a place to unwind, too. Heck, even if you are nowhere near the greater Tampa-St. Pete area, you can probably find a place that will allow you to watch dancing girls and football simultaneously. Failing that, some dude at your Super Bowl party will probably get drunk enough to take their clothes off and run out into the snow.

The moral of the story is that dancing girls and football go hand-in ... well, not hand. But you get the idea.

STRIPPERS HOPING TO CASH IN AT SUPER BOWL [Pro Football Talk]
Thrown for a Loss: Super Bowl Parties [Time]
Super Bowl Analysis: Which Team is More Likely to Have Someone Get Into Trouble, Arizona Cardinals or Pittsburgh Steelers? [Sports Rubbish]
Who Will Be The Eugene Robinson of Superbowl XLIII? [Total Pro Sports]
IHS Super Bowl XLIII Drinking Game [Icy Hot Senations]

Here's an odd video from NYPost.com of Giants' linebacker Antonio Pierce getting handsy with a woman at a strip joint. Does this grainy surveillance video reveal anything groundbreaking about the Plaxico story? Not at all. But it does reveal that Antonio's a fan of the ol' public motorboat.

Another Giant Boob [NYPost.com]

I read about Daulerio and Leitch's trip to Rick's. Good stuff, great photos, etc. Then I read one of them had a horrible date with some of the entertainment. I sent an e-mail to the gentlemen because I was worried – petrified, in fact – that someone that I associate on any level whatsoever would go on such a date and actually pay. If ever a date should have been Dutch, especially one with such parallels to a weekend in Amsterdam, this was the one.

Somebody paid.

So I'm here to help.

Read Bomani's helpful guide after the jump....

Once upon a time, I wrote for ESPN.com's Page 2. After Pacman (ne Adam) Jones got into trouble for that little disturbance at the Minxxx in Las Vegas, I thought it would be helpful to the world to offer a few rules that would stop something like that from happening at the strip club. Pacman's mistakes were particularly disappointing to me, since I went to college in Atlanta, where Pacman's from. I was there four years. He was there for 18, and then he came back with money. Every time I've come to Atlanta since I've graduated, I've debated asking my parents to put a little something on the light bill.

So how did I know the rules and he didn't? It was so baffling that I wanted to express my incredulity to the world.

I'm not sure why that piece didn't run – when editors think something is especially ridiculous, they don't even reply — but I get the feeling that The Mouse didn't agree this was need-to-know information. Those people in the Minxxx probably would disagree, but what can you do?

Based on Pacman's escapades and the sad, sad story offered by the folks at this fine blog, I've got a few strip club rules for you to follow. The stuff I wrote way-back-when are the Pacman Rules, with a few Deadspin Rules added. You can thank me at bomani AT bomanijones DOT com.

The Pacman Rules

1. Once the money's thrown, it's thrown.

Bills at the shake joint are like cards in game of spades—once they're laid down, they're gone. There is no negotiation when it comes to this rule. If you want to flash big money to show you're a baller, then can't care about getting the money back. Forget “making it rain” or anything else. Once the money's thrown out, the ladies on stage are going to pick it up. That's what they're there to do – pick up money. If you thought they were there to dance, see how much dancing they do when the money disappears.

Perhaps strip clubs should have signs that say “no refunds,” but some things are just unspoken but understood. Spades stick. So do dollars.

2. Take no more money than will fit in your pockets.

Trash bags are for trash. If they were meant for anything else, their boxes would say “big ol' black plastic bags.” And if they were meant for money, they would be called “wallets” or have big dollar signs on them like the sacks they used to show in cartoons. Stick with what fits in your trousers, and much drama could be avoided.

3. Don't frequent spots where one can bring a pistol.

It's unclear whether someone from Pacman's party fired the shots at Minxx that night. However, it doesn't matter whether it was Pacman, his boy, or some dude posted in the corner that fired the shots. If the place doesn't sweep its patrons for weapons, it's not the place to go. Considering all the commotion at a strip club—especially during a night as busy as one around All-Star Weekend—there's no telling where a bullet could wind up going. I'm sure Arlen Specter would agree.

As for the other things that could go wrong, ask Stephen Jackson and Co.

4. Observe the two-drink maximum.

Most clubs require patrons purchase at least two drinks. Coincidentally, two drinks is the perfect place to draw the line. The worst place to be drunk is one full of naked, attractive women whose job is to break men for everything they have. Plus, what good has ever happened for someone in a room packed with intoxicated men? Best case scenario is leaving broke. Worst case? Ask those three people that got shot.

5. Observe the two-friend maximum.

When large groups of men get together, there's an unfortunate tendency for those guys to show out for each other. Showing out can mean spending lots of money or showing off how much they can drink. And often, it involves showing how big and bad they are. The more friends you bring, the higher the bar is set for affirming some contrived notion of manhood. Parties of three or less decrease the likelihood that someone in your crew will do something silly to earn props.

6. Stay away from the stage.

Nothing good happens near the stage at a strip club. Nothing. The dancers look at you like a money machine. People will constantly walk in front of you, increasing the likelihood of getting your kicks stepped on. And if you're the one walking to the front, you might step on the shoes of someone who doesn't see such a mistake as a minor transgression. The best move is always to sit by the bar. You'll get your (two) drinks faster, you'll get more attention from the dancers, and you'll have the luxury of spending money on your own schedule.

Further, there's no confusion about whose money is whose by the bar. All transactions are hand-to-hand. Unless someone picks your pocket—which is hard for someone to do if you're sitting on a stool—there will be no miscommunications like the one that took place at Minxx.

The Deadspin Rules

7. If the dancer leaves the club and goes home, you shouldn't see her again until the next time you go to the club.

Looking for good conversation at the strip club is looking for a bottle of A-1 at Mickey D's. There's no need for it there. If she looks that good, can maintain a high level of conversation and is out of college, she could find a better job than dancing (which doesn't pay as much as people think). That isn't sirloin in your Big Mac, dig?

You know what you want. If the McRib isn't on the menu, you don't ask the girl at the counter out hoping she brought one in her purse. Sorry, just no McRib for you. No need to waste your time.

8. Leave the camera at home.

I know this was a different situation, seeing how art is important at a reputable publication like this one. That said, who's impressed by someone saying he got a lapdance? Well, pictures don't make things any more fantabulous. However, I loved the picture of Will with breasts on the knot of his tie, for that appeared to be a perfect time for him to try to remember what he had for lunch yesterday. Made me wonder what's wrong with him, but a great pic all the same.

(In all seriousness, those were great shots, and I applaud the photographer. Someone should give him some work.)

9. Don't get too fancy.

Oh, Rick's was perfect for this here endeavor. In general? Well, if the Knicks and Rangers go there, ain't nobody looking at you. Nobody. Might as well go to the wax museum. Yeah, they're there and looking good. And that's all you'll be doing – looking. Regular cats have a hard time giving their money away in places like that, let alone paying for a dance.

10. Leave the debit card at home.

Chances are you've got more room on the credit card. Hey, go hard or go home. Or just go home hard.

(OK, and go home hard.)

********

Tonight: Yell about the Pats/Jets here.

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin. SKEETS....speaks!

Strip clubs are not about decadence, or fantasy, or even commerce. They are, at their core, about interaction. The dance is not delicate, or disguised. This is not a place where someone can be left alone. You might say that is the point. I might say that I’m trying to watch the game here, and if I desire a word with you, trust me, I will beckon.

Life is full of senseless, empty conversations. We all go through them every day, inventing vague generalities uttered only to end this conversation as soon as possible. Even if you are someone that I like, transferring interaction from Meet to Converse to Mutual Understanding requires an effort that neither of us are willing to put forth. Nothing personal. There’s just so much to do. I’ve got a lot on my mind. So do you. Perhaps there will be a time, friend, when you and I break bread and meld minds. For now, however, I am predisposed. Forgive me.

A strip club, even one as welcoming, clean and hospitable as Rick’s Cabaret, is a minefield of these senseless, empty conversations. At least in the real world, people have the good horsesense to resist sitting right down at the table, unsolicited, and launching into banalities. I know that I am here, and that my presence implies an invitation. I wish it did not, and that I could convey it somehow. Perhaps a sign would help. It is a very important game.

It does not matter that you are naked. All told, your nakedness is just making this worse. Your dances are like grotesque Busby Berkeley numbers, punctuating the natural state of void. Your nakedness is tipping the scales of this game in a way I don’t appreciate. Sure. You are attractive. It’s a job requirement. I get it. I congratulate you. But really, that’s all we have to talk about. And that’s not gonna take us very far.

Also, I feel, when I’m in these situations, compelled to try to entertain you. I am not sure why. I am simply wired this way. Worse, I feel compelled to continue to try to entertain you even when it is obvious that you are not entertained and weren’t desiring entertainment in the first place. This makes you think I am weird. You’re right, of course. You may feel free to leave. It’s the fourth quarter, and we really need to win this game. You tell me, “you seem more interested in the game than the girls.” I think this is meant as a dig. I don’t take it as one.

I am sorry that I am here. I am sorry that what usually works is not working. This is my fault. I really should be wearing a sign. An Arizona Cardinals hat probably would have sufficed. You see, the problem is that I’m not acting any differently in here than I do in the real world. I know that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I know that acting differently is the whole point. I’m just not very good at it. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll have more luck at another table. I’m sure athletes know how to do this the right way. I just don’t. There are worse crimes, I hope.

Finally, you get the hint, and you look at me as if to say, you could have said something 20 minutes ago and saved us both a lot of trouble. You’re right. You tend to be. The game has ended. Can I go now? Is this over?

———————————————

That is all to say: I am not much of a strip club guy. Daulerio seemed to have fun, though. And the shrimp was fantastic.

Thank you very much to all the would-be photographers who volunteered their last minute services to photograph us on our "field trip". Quick-typing reader Antonio G. Di Benedetto was the winning first responder and made the trip from Montclair State University to photograph last night's dork-fueled decadence. The purpose this lap dance lunacy was to pop by Rick's Cabaret and enjoy an evening with some of New York's finest female entertainers to experience the "professional athlete treatment" at the club. Plus, in this wintry economic climate, some of the city's locales are suffering. (Especially since Jeremy Shockey left town.) Athletes aren't as willing to make it rain as they were before, so it's very important that we keep one of America's most storied professions afloat.

Also — and this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone who's faithfully followed this site through the years — Will Leitch chatting up strippers is just a car wreck of epic proportions. At one point, while he was mindlessly babbling about their work hours and making jokes about one girl "being union", one confused stripper of Colombian descent seemed legitimately concerned about his mental state: "Dosh-ee always talk so fas?"

You'll get our full report tomorrow...

*****

Thank you for your continued support of Deadspin.

Adieu.

These athletes take their keen ability to gyrate on a pole seriously and don't consider it to be erotic at all. They consider it to be a gymnastic art.

"Everything which we do requires so much strength. You train your legs and your muscles. It has nothing to do with eroticism. You have no time to think of that!" said Jeannine Wikering, the 26-year-old competitor for Germany who came third.

"I think one day it should be an Olympic sport — but that will take time. You would have to agree which moves on which to judge competitors, at the moment we all have such different routines," she added.

Which moves to judge the competitors on will clearly be a tough problem to solve. For instance, if you were to consider the discipline of "motorboating" to be an officially scored move, the Germans would have a clear cut competitive advantage.

It's sport, not sex say European champion pole dancers [Reuters]
image via Flickr

No, none of the kids were lap-danced out of their Buster Browns, but that didn't stop some annoyed parents from contacting the local TV news affiliate to voice their displeasure with the Eagle Trace Country Club's scheduling boner:

"When I walked into the club house to look for my girls, I saw a woman straddling a male at a dining table," said a mother who picked up her two children at the golf club.

[S]he says her children had quite a few questions on the ride home.

"'Mom, why is she only wearing underwear?'" she recalled. "'Mom, why are the girls wearing white and why do the men have water guns?'"

Eagle Trace acknowledges the screw-up, but says that the kids missed most of the truly tawdry behavior, and, that while the overlap occurred, there were only a few strippers who acted like there weren't shell-shocked 7 to 12 year-olds milling around the club. But, luckily, one Shotgun Willie dancer in attendance that day popped up in the comments section on the 9News site and did her best to allay the fears of some of the prudish townspeople:

I WAS ONE OF THE CADDIES IN THE TOURNAMENT....And I can attest to the mischief that went on Monday. Yes, we were naughty...did we mean to frighten the little children or offend their parents? Of course not. We were actually advised NOT to strip down to our bikinis until after 1pm, as we were made fully aware that there was a youth tournament in progress that overlapped our event...however, everyone started drinking at around 8am and by the time we reached Eagle Trace, drunken debauchery was already in full effect and I'm not even sure anyone was sober enough to notice or care a younger crows was present.

There were several inappropriate things going on other than "top dropping" although I won't go into the gory details...but I will say, when you stick a bunch of inebriated strippers and guys on a golf course...all hell breaks loose. No surprises there.

See? Just a little harmless top-dropping.

Mulligan! Kids golf tourney overlaps with strip club event [9News]

Yep, you can have those too. They really need the money.

I HAVE A HOUSE I WOULD LIKE TO RENT FOR SUPERBOWL SUNDAY. MY WIFE AND I COULD REALLY REALLY USE THE MONEY TO CATCH UP ON BILLS. WE WOULD TAKE CARE OF ALL YOUR MEALS AND PROVIDE TRANSPORTATION TO AND FROM THE GAME. AS AN ADDED BONUS WE HAPPEN TO BE FRIENDS WITH A FEW VERY ATTRACTIVE STRIPPERS, WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO STOP BY AND TAKE CARE OF SOME OF YOUR ENTERTAINMENT NEEDS!!!!!!!!!

WE REALLY NEED THE MONEY, AND WOULD BEND OVER BACKWARDS TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR STAY IS A PLEASANT ONE. AND OUR FRIENDS MIGHT BE WILLING TOO DO THE SAME...

Don't try to make a bid, by the way: Leinart's already wrapped up the deal.

Man Offers Strippers To Super Bowl Renters [Eye On Foxborough]

I will be willing to trade a lifetime membership to my stripclub in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for 2 tix to the superbowl...need to know quickly...membership is worth $1,000 per year

Is it a good deal? Depends on how you look at it. It's probably a pretty classy place ... I mean, just look at the jacket. That's the kind of thing you can proudly wear on a cattle-herding adventure with Billy Crystal. And I don't know if it's really worth $1,000 a year, but to be guaranteed to be in the vicinity of young beaver, through your seventies and eighties ... well, some things you just can't put a price on.

To be honest, I didn't even know that strip clubs had membership fees. That just seems a little bit too much like a country club to me. How does that work? You pay a monthly fee, and it just gets you in the building? Does it come with any sort of guaranteed amount of crotch in your face?

This Dirtbag Really Wants Super Bowl Tickets [NFL FanHouse]
will trade lifetime gold VIP membership... [craigslist]
Welcome to the Sugar Shack - Lake Geneva's Premier Adult Club [Sugar Shack]

UPDATE: Time out, time out ... Check out the "membership" page here at the Sugar Shack website. Details are available on the "gold V.I.P. membership," which "entitles you to bring yourself and up to five of your guests to the club at any time free of charge. This is a lifetime Membership and can be purchased for only $100.00."

$100.00. Even if, by some chance, it's not the same place referenced on craigslist ... this does not sound like tremendous value for two Super Bowl tickets.