Johnson got the bags back, but empty. Missing was about $200, some credit cards, his identification and poo-poo undies. Bell, however, claims innocence. (Said in Eddie Murphy voice): "Is there a problem, officers?"

Reached by phone, Bell told the Free Press that it was a big misunderstanding. He said defensive end Victor DeGrate, whom the Lions released Saturday, asked him to pick up his bags for him. He picked them up in the computer area of the locker room and took them to a female friend of DeGrate’s. He said he never opened the bags, did not have anything of Johnson’s and asked Johnson if there was anything he could do to clear his name. “I ain’t no thief,” Bell said. “I ain’t never been one, and I ain’t never going to be one.

“I tried to talk to Rudi yesterday, but he was pretty upset, so I let it go,” Bell said. “I come to find out the bags weren’t whose I thought they was. It was just an honest mistake.”

I know; that kind of thing happens to me every day. Johnson says he doesn't believe Bell, but he's not pressing charges.

Aside from having a more confusing plot than Syriana, this story is interesting fodder for any teams who may have been thinking about signing Bell, who is now a free agent. Downside: May be a luggage thief. Upside: Carried bags all the way uptown without dropping them.

Bell: 'I Ain't No Thief;' Lions' Johnson Won't Press Charges [Detroit Free Press]

Millen and Johnson searched to no avail, and then thought to check the in-house surveillance camera tape. And the grainy footage revealed that the culprit was none other than Tatum Bell, the man whom Johnson was replacing. Bell was released by the Lions, and evidently figured that he'd take Johnson's luggage as a lovely parting gift.

Per the source, Bell took the bags to the house of a female acquaintance. When confronted on the matter, Bell offered up some cockamamie story that he thought the bags belonged to someone he knew. The girl, however, said that she hadn’t seen Bell in several months and he showed up out of the blue and asked her to keep the bags for a while. Johnson has retrieved the bags, and it’s our understanding that charges won’t be pressed.

This kind of thing never happened with Johnson's previous team. Bengals players will pull a lot of illegal shenanigans, but even they won't stoop to stealing your shirts and underwear.

Rudi's Crazy Day In Detroit [Pro Football Talk]