Praise be, it looks as if the spirit of the Lord done loosed the tongue of another member of the Josh Hamilton "support system" — none other than his wife, Katie, who is no doubt the most aggrieved party in all this mess.

Late on Sunday night, Katie Hamilton — or K-Ham, as I like to call her — took to the Dallas Morning News Rangers blog to respond to the hundreds of commenters who've been blessing us all with their opinions on the Hamilton matter.

Now, before we get into that, let's remember where we are here. Josh and Katie Hamilton's salvation story is taking place in North Texas, where for many folks Christianity and sports dovetail at an early age. Here, life shuttles continually between the Friday night lights and the Sunday morning pulpits, and the constant Bible-thumping begins to sound a little like the beat of the world's biggest drum.

I grew up in the Dallas-Fort Worth Jesusplex, and I can confirm that sports here — from Little League to the pros — are infused with the Good Word. When I was about 12, for instance, the third baseman for my fastpitch softball team got smacked in the noggin by a line drive — after she had crept even closer to the batter in case of a bunt. Her dad — our first-base coach — responded by laying hands on her and praying.

Then there are the Cowboys, once helmed by famous savior-lover Tom Landry, who once proclaimed on national TV, "You have to believe in Jesus Christ to play for the Dallas Cowboys." The edict may still hold-years later Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin sat at the feet of Dallas preacher T.D. Jakes, the devil-fighter whose "prosperity theology" posits bling as God's blessing. The new Cowboys Stadium is home to "I Am Second" acolytes like Jason Witten (who by the way, might have the most boring testimony on the face of the earth). If you need more evidence try going here, here and here, for starters.

Cowboys Stadium sits a stone's throw from Hamilton's domain, Rangers Ballpark. And both mega-stadiums are plopped in the middle of Arlington, home to clusters of mega-churches the size of shopping malls. The Hamiltons' saga is taking place in the midst of Jesusland, and because of that, it's playing out in a unique way.

Take Katie's appearance on the DMN web site. K-Ham's comments were mainly in response to postings from another commenter called "JJ," who questioned the wisdom of the Rangers possibly signing Hamilton to a fat long-term contract after his recent shenanigans. K-Ham's first response, while infused with Jesusness, proves pretty thoughtful, and indicates that she didn't exactly forgive Josh in a knee-jerky kind of way:

…to all those who "just can't forgive" Josh for this one night- I have a question for you: Why is it that I (his wife- the one whom he hurt the most, by far through this) can forgive him, but you can't?...Again, he's not perfect- this was a night that he's certainly not proud of, but I am very proud of how he handled it. He was very honest with me and those involved and didn't try to hide anything or cover up his mistake…
In His Grip,
Katie Hamilton

OK, that's a decent argument (although … "In His Grip"?!). But when JJ responds with an accurate portrayal of the duality of the situation — fans' response to Josh as a man versus their response to him as a player — K-Ham starts to lose her grip, as it were (all sic'd):

JJ, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I have one question for you? JOsh drank ONE NIGHT! one night-and not during the season- ONE NIGHT IN 4 YEARS. How many other major league players or people on the earth for that matter, can you say that about. Probably not many. He drank ONE NIGHT IN FOUR YEARS and YES that is an absolute fact. So, if that one night is a make or break for you, then so be it.

And then a bit later:

One day we will leave baseball...it certainly doesn't last forever. However, GOD gave Josh that talent and it's FOR HIS GLORY. There are always "what ifs" in life. And yes, it was ONE NIGHT- you can choose to believe what you want. JOsh is in no way shape or form "chasing millions" that very thought or statement sickens my stomach. This job isn't about money, fame or "being a homerun king"...none of those things bring happiness and if that's what it was all about- neither Josh nor myself would be a part of it. WHat is IS about is glorifying God through a talent that HE gave Josh- and being obedient to the call in which He has placed on our lives. Which for right now.,,,IS BASEBALL.

Why is it the Christians always bust out with the all-caps? Maybe K-Ham is building a big wall of capital letters as a bulwark against what might be the truth, a truth none of us really wants to believe, but a truth that seems pretty apparent upon glancing at those bar photos: Josh Hamilton looks really happy in those pictures. He looks like a man whose life for the past five years has been, as he once put it, "Park. Home. Park. Home," a man who has been living day after day within arms' reach of his 60-something babysitter, and a man who, for a few hours, finally has some room to explode. Hamilton looks like a man unleashed.

I guess it probably does take a God with a strong grip to ward off such demons, and boy, does God have his fingers wrapped around Arlington. North Texas may in fact be the only place in the Major League universe that provides enough of a Christian bubble for the Hamiltons to keep believing. It plays here.

In the long run, despite the all-caps and the brimstone, this is probably a good thing. After all, Hamilton's religious conversion is the reason he's alive, and it's the reason he was able to man up and come clean to his wife and to the media about his giant slip-up. Say what you will about the relentless Bible-thumping, but if you listen to Hamilton's press conference on Saturday, you can't say he's not honest, or accountable, or remorseful, or embarrassed. North Texas will understand, which is probably why K-Ham felt comfortable making a cameo on the DMN's web site. (Imagine what would have happened if she had done likewise in, say, the New York Daily News' comments section.) This is a part of the country that knows sin and knows redemption and has seen plenty of its athletes walk the path between the former and the latter and back again. Josh Hamilton couldn't have picked a better place to redeem himself a second time.

The former Arts Editor of the Santa Fe Reporter and former Music Editor of the Dallas Observer, Jonanna Widner started her writing career covering the scintillating world of small-town Texas Little League and high school football. She has since moved on to write for several other outlets, including Bitch, Draft and Curve magazines. She also just finished the Dallas-Fort Worth handbook for Moon Publishing, so please buy it.

Sadly, the Tigers did not remain "undeated," as they fell to those pesky Longhorns 5-1 last night behind freshman pitcher Taylor Jungmann's 9-inning tossing clinic. Game 3 is tonight at 7:30 to determine which team will be crowned the kings of Omaha, Nebraska.

Regardless of what team wins, I think this guy should be invited to any post-game celebration.:

****

Good morning. It's Wednesday, which means there will be free bagels at Gawker HQ today. Hobo humpin'.

Richardson competed in five events at the state meet this weekend and earned enough points to beat the second place team by two. Her school, Rochelle High School, doesn't even have a track—her graduating class has 14 students—so Richardson practices in nearby Brady, Texas, a town so big it has a Wal-Mart! I guess Class A competition is not that massive, but it's not exactly a fluke. She accomplished the same feat last year.

Richardson captured first in the long jump (17-04.50), second in the discus (126-09) and first in the high jump (5-8) on Friday for a total of 28 points. Returning to Myers Stadium on the campus of the University of Texas on Saturday, Richardson placed third in the 200 (25.78) and fourth in the 100 (12.51) for a two-day total of 38 points – two points better than second-place Cayuga in Class A.

In her typical laid-back fashion, Richardson didn't get too excited.

"My family already did the math," Richardson said while waiting for her celebratory prime rib sandwich at Red Robin restaurant. "They were jumping up and down; it was kind of embarrassing."

How does she feel?

"I'm tired and glad it's over," Richardson said. "High school's officially over."

Hmm ... I hope she's not implying that she's happy to finally be rid of the 13 other deadbeats she's been stuck in high school with for the last four, interminable years. (Their dances must suck.) She was also the valedictorian, has lived in Rochelle (pop. 600) her whole life, but will attend Texas A&M in the fall and enjoys hunting "anything that moves." The Cadets are going to love her.

Teen wins team state title by herself - again [Rivals]

The University Interscholastic League, which is actually the high school sports authority (go Texas!), has canceled or postponed all events until May 11, including the Academic State Meet and the State Wind Ensemble Festival. Sonofa! The regional track meets scheduled for this weekend will also be folded into the state meet. I don't know how you feel, but if they are shutting down high school softball games because of this global pandemic then I think the swine have already won.

Even worse, our own president was recently spotted with the University of Connecticut women's basketball championship team playing a game of ... P-I-G! I KNEW IT! Obama is a secret swine operative sent to infiltrate our highest levels of government and give us all stomach cramps. I knew I should have voted for Kucinich.

Swine flu outbreak shuts down prep sports in Texas [USA Today]
UIL competition suspended because of swine flu [HS Game Time Blog]

Oklahoma beat Oklahoma State late Saturday night 61-41. This score was enough to vault the Sooners ahead of Texas in the BCS Standings and, as a result, send them into the Big 12 Title Game against Missouri courtesy of the fifth tiebreak. (The sixth tiebreak was, in a nice nod to BCS totalitariianism, "Who does Kim Jong-Il think is better?") In raising Oklahoma the BCS computers managed to solve the quandary that left human pollsters uncertain: which of three tied teams deserves the opportunity to compete for a national championship? Of course this only mattered because Texas Tech stormed back to defeat Baylor before Oklahoma even kicked off. If Tech lost that game, then the Oklahoma game wouldn't even have mattered. and Texas is playing for the title. This all makes an awful lot of sense, right?

Basically, Texas got messed with. And here's why, this is a decision between Texas and Oklahoma. In our infinite wisdom we've discarded Texas Tech based on the sound defeat they suffered at the hands of Oklahoma. (Even if, like me, you think Texas Tech deserves a shot in the playoff.) That means there's only one game to consider: the neutral site 45-35 Texas win over Oklahoma. Nothing else matters. Both teams have one loss and Texas won the head-to-head game on a neutral field. If every game counts, then you have to count the only game between the two teams that your're deciding between, right? Otherwise you're proving what college football playoff proponents already know, every game is equal but some games are more equal than others. Welcome to the Orwellian world of college football championship rationales. On to the round-up.

1. Florida and Alabama proved they are the best two teams in the SEC. Which, in the wake of the SEC East's performance against the ACC, might mean nothing at all. In case you missed it Georgia Tech put up 45 on Georgia (who now owns the most disappointing 9-3 season in Bulldog history), Clemson continued their domination of Steve Spurrier and South Carolina, and Wake Forest beat Vandy (who despite reaching a bowl this year finished off their season with a Vandy-like 1-6 conclusion). What does all of this mean?

2.Oregon State's dream of making their first Rose Bowl since 1965 went crashing into Oregon. In the end all of Corvallis cried as one as Oregon hung 65 on Oregon State. Who was happiest about this aside from Oregon and USC fans? How about undefeated teams in Boise State and Utah? Who saw one of the BCS spots that would have been claimed by USC open up thanks to the USC advancing to the Rose Bowl with the win. Who else was happiest? The bastards at the Rose Bowl. Instead of an Oregon State-Penn State rematch, they get USC-Penn State. Which, to be fair, is shaping up as the second best BCS bowl game.

3. Paul Johnson's offense works in BCS conference football. Last week Johnson's team rushed for 472 yards. And no one really noticed because it was a Thursday night football game. This week they rushed for 409 yards against Georgia. While only passing for 19 yards. So it doesn't really matter if you're one-dimensional if that dimension is so dominant you don't even have to consider throwing the football. This is even more jarring when you consider that Georgia led 28-12 at the half.

4. Virginia Tech and Boston College are meeting again in the ACC Championship Game. At least the game is in Tampa. Which should be somewhat warm. The Charlotte games always looked miserable.

5. Kansas beat Missouri to salvage their season and make Baby Mangino squeal with joy. Meaning Missouri fans can join Georgia fans who are upset over the worst 9-3 season in school history. Of course, unlike Georgia, Missouri can erase everything with an upset win over Oklahoma this week. Regardless, somewhere John Brown is smiling. Even though he's mouldering in the grave.

6. Miss. State's offense put up 33 yards against Ole Miss. That was on 56 plays. Futility this epic deserves to be noted. It's why no one was crying in Starkville when Sylvester Croom resigned. Don't you have to be fired if you're Croom and make the school buy out your contract? You don't see Charlie Weis resigning, do you?

Back to Oklahoma-Texas and the BCS mess, I got a lot of emails after saying that 99.9% of college football fans want a playoff. Many were from college football fans who said they didn't favor a playoff. I don't think these fans are fools, I just think they've made a Faustian bargain with their own souls. Like the girls who claim they're still virgins but have anal sex. Basically, if you're a college football fan who favors a playoff you're the 16 year old girl getting banged in the ass to protect the sanctity of your hymen. Congrats on that. Y'all have to live with results like this. And if Florida beats Alabama this weekend? Are we just going to decree by fiat that Florida and Oklahoma are the two best teams in the country? Even though Texas and USC and Utah and Boise State and Penn State all have pretty good claims that they deserve a shot too? You betcha. (Odds that the Palin daughters contemplate the anal sex virginity protection gambit? High, very high...except the eldest.) Something's rotten with any athletic event that requires this much logical inconsistency and debate, really fucking rotten.

Cincinnati (-4) at Louisville- The Bearcats win the Big East if they can win on the road tonight at Louisville and then next week at home against Pitt. Yeah, Cincinnati might be in a BCS bowl. Prior to this the best bowl Cincinnati has ever been in is the PapaJohns Bowl. What's more they've only been to 10 bowl games in their history. Should be interesting to see how the team responds.

Miss. State at Alabama (-22)- Chances are you had no idea that Miss. State has beaten Alabama two consecutive years. And that in those two years Alabama hasn't scored an offensive touchdown. But they have. So that means Alabama probably isn't overlooking this opponent one week after they clinched the SEC West. Except, you know, this game is slotted between LSU and Auburn. Of course State also hasn't won a road game yet this season but, even still, this spread seems a bit high. Right? Especially since Alabama hasn't beaten any SEC team by more than 20 since the middle of September. But that's not stopping the Houndstooth twins, Maegen and Ashley Bailey, from remaining steadfast in their support.

Texas (-14) at Kansas- The year after their magical season the human blimp that is Mangino has returned to earth. At just 6-4, Kansas has lost every big game they've played this year, including 3 of their last 4 overall. Now Kansas has Texas and Missouri left on the schedule. Could Texas be ripe for the upset in Lawrence? If Kansas is going to have any kind of season worth remembering they have to win one of these final two. Otherwise they'll slink into a bowl at 6-6 and fans will have to convince themselves that 2007 actually happened. Don't worry, it did. We have the picture to prove it.

Meanwhile, Texas can't just win. They've got to slaughter Kansas and then sit back next weekend and root for Oklahoma to beat Texas Tech by 1. So it all comes down to the BCS standings to see who represents the Big 12 South in a three-way tie.

South Carolina at Florida (-23)- Steve Spurrier's headed back to the Swamp for the second time. In 2006, it took a blocked field goal on the final play of the game to preserve Florida's chance to play for a national championship. Now the Gators look unstoppable. But doesn't that line seem a bit high considering South Carolina has the best defense in the SEC? I think so. But then, Florida's offense has looked truly unstoppable for the past month. What would the over/under be in a hypothetical Florida/Big 12 Champion be? 85? Maybe.

Notre Dame (-4) at Navy- Remember way back when Notre Dame signed Charlie Weis to a 58 year contract extension and a few people questioned whether that was smart? And then Notre Dame fans got all upset and ripped anyone who didn't want to buy the lard from Charlie's gastric bypass surgery on eBay? Yeah, good job picking your battles. Weis's coaching record is worse than Bob Davie's. Navy has a winning record and is coming off a win at Notre Dame last year. Could Notre Dame really lose to Navy twice in a row?

Utah (-30) at San Diego State- As soon as they win this game Utah will be 11-0 and only have a home game remaining against BYU to complete a perfect regular season. Admit it, you don't care because they aren't in a Big 6 conference. God, you suck. Almost as much as San Diego State sucks. But not quite.

Ohio State (-9.5) at Illinois- One year after Ron Zook took Illinois to the Rose Bowl, he's got to beat Ohio State or Northwestern to be bowl eligible. Since September 13 Illinois has alternated wins with losses. Last week they lost. Can they take down Ohio State for the second year in a row?

Cal at Oregon State (-3)- The conspiracy to refuse to acknowledge that Oregon State remains on track to win the Pac-10 continues for yet another week. Oregon State has three games left and is standing at 5-1. Win out and they win the Pac 10 for the first time since 1965. Yet no one is paying attention to this. Except Beaver fans. Which should be everyone but Vince Young.

Georgia (-10) at Auburn- Tommy Tuberville has to beat either Georgia or Alabama to be bowl eligible. Who saw this coming? Tennessee's collapse has sort of sucked the air out of the national story surrounding Auburn. They couldn't really fire Tuberville could they? Last week Matthew Stafford saved the state of Georgia from the most dispiriting autumn since 1864. But there are still a couple of minefields remaining. This is one. Usually, anyway.

North Carolina (-3) at Maryland- Won't someone please win the ACC? In typical ACC fashion this year two new teams control their own destiny this week. If North Carolina wins all they have to do is beat N.C. State and Duke and they win the ACC's Coastal Division. That's simple enough. But if they lose? Who the hell knows. Same thing with Maryland, win their next three games and they win the Atlantic Division. Lose and we're back to being confused. What a mess.

Vandy at Kentucky (-4)- Remember back when Vandy was the feel-good story of college football and had won five games in a row? Yeah, now they've lost four consecutive games when a win could have made them bowl eligible for the first time since 1982. In two of these games, against Duke and Mississippi State, they've been favored to win. They have three games left to get that win. Can it happen in Lexington? If it doesn't you might be witnessing a pretty epic choke job.

The crowd in Lubbock, Texas had reason to rush the field not once, but twice last night. A last second TD pass from Graham Harrell to Michael Crabtree capped off an amazing comeback win for the no. 7 Red Raiders against the country's top ranked team.

After Colt McCoy gave the Longhorns a 33-32 lead with just over a minute remaining, it looked as though all hope was lost for Texas Tech. Not so. Texas freshman safety Blake Giddeon dropped what would have been a game-ending interception, and that was the fortunate break Tech needed to pull off the stunner.

On the ensuing play, with 8 seconds to go, Harrell reared back and found Crabtree with a 28-yard pass. The All-American wideout caught the ball while being double-covered, fought off a defender and reached the house to give Tech the huge win.

Said Michael Crabtree to the Associated Press following the game:

"On the sideline, I kind of dreamed that I would catch a pass and go in the end zone for a game-winning score. I do that, like every game, but it happened. It kind of shocked me."

If you were shocked, Michael, just think what the Longhorns (who will surely see a fall in the BCS rankings) were feeling. It's now time to look ahead, and with talk starting up about Tech possibly being the best team in the country, coach Mike Leak is keeping his eyes on the prize, and knows what's at stake for his team next weekend.

"Now the biggest game in history is Oklahoma State," Leach said, "or the history of this year, anyway."

Well put, coach.

"Finally, we'd like to point out the Facebook effort "Jort-Out Georgia." People think that by looking like white trash, they'll perform better on the field. Trust us, not even kryptonite can stop Knowshon Moreno." But you know what can stop you from having sex? Writing editorials for your college newspaper. Anyway, Jort-Out Georgia is alive and well on facebook here. And I have to say, as lame and gay as the blackout was at Georgia, the jort-out is close to genius. Or close enough to genius to be equated as such when it comes to SEC football. (Note: literacy and ability to count to one-hundred also suffice.)
On to the games.

West Virginia (-4) at UConn- Are the Mountaineers poised to regain their rightful place at the top of the Big East standings or will UConn hang the first conference loss on West Virginia? Right now UConn is 2-1 with the tiebreak over Louisville and West Virginia is the only team undefeated in conference. In the wake of last night's South Florida defeat the Big East race has now been sliced to a six-team affair. West Virginia has won 4 in a row since bad road losses to mediocre East Carolina and Colorado football teams. But all those wins were in Morgantown/Deadwood. Can they step outside of conference and pull off a win? If you're like the rest of us you'll be waiting with bated breath. (Note, by waiting with bated breath, I mean not noticing at all.)

Northwestern at Minnesota (-7)- Who's about to become the hottest coach you've never heard of in college football? Minnesota's Tim Brewster. That happens when you can bring a top 20 recruiting class in despite a 1-11 record and when you start the next season 7-1. Minnesota in the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1966? Don't stop believing Gophers, don't stop believing.

Michigan at Purdue (-2)- Did you know that Purdue was 2-6? I didn't either. This is a high school girl's slapfest. One of these teams is going to finish 2-10. Which one? The one that doesn't win this game.

Miami at Virginia (-2)- All hail your coastal division champion Virginia Cavaliers. Stop laughing. I wrote last week that this was going to happen. Now it's even more likely. Oddsmakers are starting to take note of the Al Groh resurgence; the line moved from Miami favored by 1 to UVa by 2.

Auburn at Ole Miss (-6.5)- Tommy Tuberville limps back to Oxford with a 4-4 record and is almost a touchdown underdog to Ole Miss. Auburn fans are sharpening their knives to lop of off Tubs's oversized ears. Is this in any way justified with his past success? No. Can Auburn attract a better coaching candidate? No. Will this stop them from calling for his head if they lose to Ole Miss? Nope.

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame (-5)- Isn't it amazing how all the criticism of the media love affair with Notre Dame has finally taken hold? There's been virtually no mention of Notre Dame's five wins and they aren't ranked. Wannstedt has had a week to get over the 54 points his team gave up to Rutgers last week. This is just the sort of game Pitt has won under Wannstedt. Or lost by 50. Meanwhile Notre Dame has still not beaten a team with a winning record.

Arizona State at Oregon State (-14)- Is there a media conspiracy that doesn't want to point out that if Oregon State (currently 3-1 in the Pac-10) wins out, they win the Pac-10? You didn't realize they hadn't lost a Pac-10 game since they swamped USC either, did you? The world will be up in arms if Oklahoma slides into the BCS Title game without winning the Big 12. But if USC does it from the Pac-10? No one will even notice.

Tulsa (-7) at Arkansas- The Imma kick the shit out of you former-Arkansas coaching staff victory tour will continue another week. Last week Houston Nutt rolled into Fayetteville and beat his old team. This week Gus Malzahn, Tulsa's offensive coordinator, gets his shot. Tulsa's got the best offense you haven't heard of. They're averaging 625 yards of offense per game and 56.6 points. Averaging. David Johnson, their quarterback, has 32 touchdown passes already. If Malzahn doesn't get a head coaching job sometime soon, there is no justice in the universe.

Oregon at Cal (-3)- Two of the other one-loss Pac-10 teams are playing. What's going to give, Oregon's 278 yard per game rushing attack or Cal's defense that's allowing less than a 100 rushing yards a game. Will this game feature the most weed-smoking per capita on the season? I think so.

Florida (-6.5) v. Georgia- All you need to know about this game comes from ESPN:

Tired of struggling to find enough teachers to staff its classrooms on the Friday before the annual Georgia-Florida football game, the Clarke County (Ga.) School District — which includes Athens, home of the University of Georgia — decided to cancel school altogether.

According to area media reports, 137 teachers last year called in sick the day before the big game, and the district was able to find only 113 substitutes.

School administrators studied the absences over the years and found a pattern — almost twice as many teachers call in sick the Friday before the annual game in Jacksonville, Fla., about 360 miles away, than on an average school day.

Yeah, I can't wait to see this game either. Fuck reading and writing.

Washington at Southern Cal (-47)- The line opened at 43 and quickly moved to 47. Seriously, shouldn't there be a rule that if you're favored by more than 35 over a fellow conference foe that the team you're favored over has to leave the conference for a year?

Texas at Texas Tech (-3.5)- If you're not rooting for Mike Leach to win this game, then you're a communist. If Leach the piriate wins he might get on the team bus, drive to Athens, and allow his team loose to plunder the city. Honestly. I'm just hoping it comes down to the walk-on kicker from 30 yards to win or lose the game. Remember how I keep saying that the winning quarterback of this game has the Heisman locked up? This time I mean it. Colt McCoy has 21 touchdowns, an 81.3 completion percentage, and has thrown for 2285 yards. Graham Harrell has thrown for 28 touchdowns and 3147 yards. In case you've been living under a rock both teams are undefeated. Let the scoring begin.

1. Texas eliminated Missouri from the national stage on Saturday. The Horns were up 35-3 at the half and all those Missouri fans who were convinced that Texas might have a figurative hangover after Oklahoma were busy wondering if Chase Daniel was literally hungover. Three weeks ago I anointed Daniel the Heisman Trophy winner. Maybe that was a bit premature. Now everyone knows Colt McCoy is going to win it. Which probably means he won’t. The void in the Heisman race this year is gargantuan.

2. Maryland beat Wake Forest 26-0. If there is a less consistent team in America than Maryland, I haven’t seen them play all year. Lose to UVA by 31 when you’re favored by 14, beat a top 25 Cal team that you’re double digit underdogs to, lose to Middle Tennessee State by 10, and now bounce back from being shutout to shutout the top team in the ACC. There are no words. I’m picturing a bleary-eyed Ralph Friedgen sitting in front of film from this season’s games,Twinkies flying over his shoulder at warp speed, saying over and over again, “If I just watch long enough it will all make sense.” No, it won’t Coach. It never will.

3. With 6:46 remaining in the third quarter Penn State was tied at 17 with Michigan. Nittany Lions fans were starting to wonder if they were going to find a way to lose to the worst Michigan football team in the history of the university and then they scored 29 consecutive points and covered the huge spread. Am I the only person who pictures Joe Pa giving the Russell Crowe Gladiator speech during a television commercial break? Via the sideline phone no less. How much would you pay to hear Joe Pa say, “At my signal, unleash hell.”

(It takes a while but the best single line of moviedom in the past ten years will come up eventually. Damn copyright lawyers ruining clips for the rest of us.)

4. Georgia outlasts Vandy 24-14. This game was ugly. And I know because I was nauseous and attempting to take a nap while watching this game from my car on Saturday afternoon. Earlier I’d spent the day touring the Thomas Wolfe home in Asheville. Don’t ask. But isn’t it amazing how teams can drop off the national radar so fast? Georgia is number 7 in the BCS standings and you’d think they’ve lost three games already. That will probably change beginning this weekend at LSU, but still, how have they disappeared so quickly?

In case you're wondering how the Gators are getting ready for the Cocktail Party, here's a rap about the awesomeness of beards from Gainesville. Every time I want to hate Florida fans, they go and pull off something amazing like this. Work your way through the opening half-minute and wait for the rap to begin. It's truly outstanding. As an added bonus watch for Joakim Noah, Al Horford, and Taurean Green to make cameos. Seriously.

5. On Friday Boise State beat Hawaii 32-7 to get to 6-0. Remember Boise State head coach Chris Petersen? You should. He’s about to become the hottest commodity among young head coaches in the country. Their only win by less than 13 was over Oregon at Oregon. They’re #15 in the country and will be favored to get to 12-0. Can they crash the BCS again? Oklahoma hopes not.

6. Texas Tech is 7-0 and still has played no one. Why can’t my team ever get a starting schedule like this to artificially inflate our expectations? But that’s all about to change. Starting this week Tech goes to Kansas (where they’ve opened as an early underdog), then they get Texas and Oklahoma State at home before a nice road trip to Oklahoma. Christ, is the negative karma from going to law school finally catching up with Mike Leach?

7. LSU proved they can win a big night game on the road. Unfortunately for them, this win means their home game against Georgia will now be an afternoon game for CBS. Somehow Les Miles will find a way to blame Matthew Stafford for this insult to the honor of the Bengal Tigers. Meaning I'm glad I'm not Matthew Stafford.

8. Remember how USC was favored by 43 on the road? Yeah, they covered by 26. 69-0 was the final. Washington State’s really clicking on all cylinders now. Can you imagine being a Washington State fan, putting money on your team, and then having to watch this debacle?

As if that weren't bad enough, word is the entire Washington State dance team fled Pullman to become Mark Sanchez's harem. Only Sanchez dropped them off in Sacramento because they weren't hot enough for LA.

9. Oklahoma's Sam Bradford threw for 468 yards against Kansas. What’s more, the Sooners put up 674 yards of total offense. How is that even possible with the new clock rules? Seriously, 674 yards. You’re thinking, they must have thrown the ball on every play. You’d be wrong. They passed 56 times, but they also ran the ball 44 times. Meaning they managed to run 100 offensive plays. The average team in college football is averaging about 64 this year. How did this happen? Especially because Kansas ran 72 plays themselves. It wasn’t like they turned the ball over on the first play every time. I have no idea how this game featured 172 plays. Anyway, Oklahoma won 45-31.

10. Ohio State eviscerated Michigan State. Meaning it might well be another twenty years before Michigan State gets to go back to the Rose Bowl. But they can still beat Michigan this weekend, right? State fans are kicking dirt clods outside their UP Winnebagos. Right? Meanwhile, Ohio State and Penn State decides the Rose Bowl for the Big Ten before November is even here.

11. UVA upset North Carolina in overtime. What if Al Groh won the ACC this year? Your world is spinning in reverse right now, isn’t it? UVA is now 2-1 in conference and has a chance to take over the Coastal Division lead with a game at Georgia Tech this weekend.

12. The first BCS standings are out. Texas and Alabama are in the top spots. Not for long. I personally guarantee a loss for Alabama this weekend in Knoxville. It’s happening. Write it down and remember who told you first. In fact, wager your life savings on the Alabama favored by 6 line. That worked very well for everyone who took my advice on Texas Tech-Nebraska. As a consolation prize in advance, this lovely Alabama girl has lost her top. Oh my. She must be cold.

Back when I wrote that I couldn’t wait to watch the BYU-TCU game, I meant it. Completely. But what I forgot was that I’d be on the road in a hotel room. I don’t know why it is but hotels have the most erratic cable channel selections known to man. If you’re anything like me you’ve found yourself lying on a bed, flipping through the channels, gradually getting more and more desperate as you realize that despite the fact you can buy a porn movie called, Ugly Chicks And Guys with Small Dicks (also known as the state of Ohio summed up in seven words) the hotel doesn’t carry something like ESPN 2. Back in 2004, I went to a friend’s wedding on the same day as UT at Ole Miss. (This was in the days back when my team was decent.) You haven’t seen anger until you’ve gone back to your hotel room and realized the hotel doesn’t carry ESPN 2. Unless, that is, you’ve ordered a porno movie for $14.99 and it’s soft core. So I was pretty much resigned to the fact that Versus wouldn’t be included in my cable’s television package. Then, miraculously, it was. So I got to watch BYU at TCU. And now we know that BYU is done for BCS purposes thanks to their 32-7 loss that was never close. Most amazing stat of the game? BYU rushed 28 times for 23 yards. That TCU run defense is unbelievable. So now we start the one-loss team handicapping. Because this year’s BCS Title Game isn’t going to feature any undefeated teams. Count on it. Here’s a breakdown of the 9 most interesting games coming up this weekend.

Georgia Tech (-2) at Clemson- This line moved from Clemson favored by 2 to Georgia Tech being favored by two after the Tommy Bowden firing. So does this mean Bowden’s brilliance is worth four points to Clemson? That would seem to be the case since nothing else changed. If so, the Tigers might as well cancel the rest of the season. By the way Mark Schlabach of ESPN.com pointed out to me the other day that Clemson is starting a student manager at right guard. How is this even possible?

Do you really blame Clemson’s C.J. Spiller for bailing on this game with a pulled hamstring? I don’t think I’d even bother returning to the team if I were him. He has nothing to gain. Just go ahead and put your name in the NFL Draft and see what happens.

Ohio State (-3) at Michigan State- Michigan State hasn’t beaten Ohio State since 1999 yet everywhere you look Michigan State fans are beating their chests, pissing on gray sweater vests, and bragging because they don’t go to Western Michigan. (Honestly, this might not be that different than usual.) Michigan State is quietly 3-0 in the Big Ten and hasn’t lost since their season opener at Cal on August 30th. If Michigan State can win this game then their season finale at Penn State will decide the Big Ten Championship. Book it. Which would be great for Michigan State fans since they haven’t been to the Rose Bowl since…1988. Wow.

Kansas at Oklahoma (-20)- Oklahoma rebounds from their loss to Texas by bringing in Mark Mangino and company. Kansas has been quietly winning since their only loss to South Florida on September 12. Given that they’re twenty point underdogs this has impressed no one. I don't even know what to write about this game either. So here's a picture of Mark Magino. Enjoy.

Southern Cal (-43) at Washington State- This line opened with USC favored by 42 on the road and went up. Up! People looked at this line and thought, I can get Washington State at home and 42 points or USC on the road effectively starting off down 42 points. And everyone went with USC. So now you get 43 points in a road game. This has to be the most a team will be favored by on the road this season, right?

What’s also ridiculous about this? USC is favored by 43, yet the over/under on this game is only 55.5. You might be asking yourself, how has Washington State’s defense done in the Pac-10 so far? They’ve given up 66, 63, 66 to Cal, Oregon, and Oregon State respectively. UCLA put up just 28. What about margin of defeat? They’ve lost by 63, 49, 25, and 53 in the Pac-10 this season. So, yeah, I think I’d take USC too.

Miss. State at Tennessee (-7.5)- The over/under on this game is 37. That’s insane for a college game, one of the lowest of the year. Sadly, I think I’d still take the under. I’m taking my 9 month old son to this game on Saturday at Neyland. This will be his first college football game. He’s really excited. Or not at all. I’m already worried about the damage to his football fan psyche that is likely to ensue from watching a game this bad.

(Tennessee's season in one succinct image. Courtesy of blogger Loser With Socks)

Michigan at Penn State (-25)- Penn State has only won once in their past ten against Michigan. Now they’re favored by 25. That spread offense is awesome. So revolutionary. Do you think there are Michigan fans right now who are wondering how in the world they kicked Lloyd Carr to the curb in exchange for this? I wish Rich Rod had signed on at Alabama back in 2006 instead of extorting West Virginia and ‘Bama ending up with Saban. I hate you Rich Rod.

Meanwhile, what do Wisconsin fans have to be thinking right now as they stare into the beginning of a long, dark winter? They gave up a 19 point halftime lead to this Michigan team. That boggles the mind. I get the feeling that Wisconsin still hasn’t recovered from that half. In moments of clarity so does Joe Paterno. Of course the other half of the time Paterno is just nervous that Kerry Collins and Ki-Jana Carter are going to end up getting screwed this year.

Leaving off Vandy-Georgia's on me. It was included in my original write-up but not cut and pasted in the article. Yeah, I fucked up cut and pasting, I suck.

Vandy at Georgia (-15)- This spread strikes me as entirely too high given the split games these two have played in the past two years. In fact, barring a fumble late in the fourth quarter Vandy might be 2-0 against the Dawgs the past two seasons.

Now that Bobby Johnson has announced he's going with McKenzi Adams the question becomes, can Vandy stay close enough to wait for the inevitable Dawg brain freeze and take advantage of it? I don't think so, but I do think the Dores keep it closer than 15. Chris Nickson's only consolation prize is he'll have a lot more time to stare at the cleavage in the Georgia student section. And trust me, that's a lot of cleavage. Also, if you get there earlier enough you may or may not be able to see up the skirts of Georgia coeds from field level.

Virginia Tech at Boston College (-3)- BC has to win this game to stay alive in the Atlantic Division race meanwhile Virginia Tech can open up a commanding lead in the Coastal Division. The teams split two games last year. Is there a more incongruous match-up of conference fans than Virginia Tech Hokie fans traveling to Boston for this game? I don’t think so.

LSU (-2) at South Carolina – Remember after he lost to Vandy when I said Steve Spurrier was irrelevant? He lost the next week to Georgia but he’s won 4 in a row since then. Including two SEC road games. Now LSU is coming to Columbia and we get to see whether or not LSU is truly any good this season. People have forgotten that LSU had to sneak by Auburn at Auburn for their first conference win. Other than that LSU hadn’t played anyone prior to the collapse at Florida. So how will they respond? The world waits with bated breath. And by world I mean Cajuns and people from South Carolina who hate Clemson.

Missouri at Texas (-7)- Yesterday I was at an art museum with my wife (I know, I know) and they had a display of classic photos of Babe Ruth. It’s no secret that Babe Ruth looks nothing like an athlete. But while I was looking at the Babe, I started to think that Missouri quarterback Chase Daniel is the Babe Ruth of this era. Chase Daniel is the only guy I can picture going out and hitting on girls at his college campus and girls not sleeping with him because they don’t really think that he’s really Chase Daniel. I bet he goes out with Warren Buffett just so the Oracle of Omaha can vouch for him and help him pull puss. Warren: "Oh, yes (chortle) this is the real Chase. Let me show you his cash flow potential as an NFL quarterback. (Pulls out cocktail napkin and draws dollar sign piercing a vagina)." Once this happens, he takes the gals back to his throne-bed and has sex while eating drumsticks. This is how chubby boys do it in Texas. Even when they move to Missouri.

(This picture is never going to get old.)

Meanwhile Colt McCoy’s parents have real balls. Because Colt is his middle name. His first name is Daniel. Daniel McCoy and you want to be the starting quarterback at Texas? Not happening. How much has the boldness of naming their son Colt paid off? If he’s Daniel McCoy he’s probably majoring in Human and Organizational Development at Southwest Texas State. True story, Colt McKoy was born in New Mexico. This so troubled his dad that he brought a shoe-box full of Texas dirt and put it underneath the hospital bed to ensure that his son was son was “born over Texas soil.” Now any sane man would give up their state of birth and six years of life to be Colt McCoy out in Austin for a weekend. Hook 'em.

1. Texas is your new consensus number one. Which will surprise a lot of people who haven't been paying attention to the season thus far because Texas lept all the way from number five to claim the top spot. One Shakespeare, William memorably summed up the college football universe by stating "uneasy lies the head that wears the crown." And in the current age of college football this is always applicable. But even more so for Texas. The Longhorns next three games? Missouri, Oklahoma State, and at Texas Tech. So in four consecutive weeks Texas plays the number 1 team (Oklahoma), the number 11 team in Missouri (who last week was number 3), the number 8 team in Oklahoma State, and the number 7 team in Texas Tech. What's that all mean? In one month, Texas plays 4 of the top 11 teams in the country. As if that weren't enough they still have number 16 Kansas hanging out there at the end of their schedule plus a Big 12 Title Game. If Texas wins all these games to get to 13-0 they shouldn't even have to play in the BCS Title Game.

2. What's even more important than losing? Everyone still thinking you're good after you've lost. That's the only way to explain how Florida is already back to number 5 in the country two weeks after a home loss to a below average SEC team in Ole Miss and how Oklahoma is still number 4 in the country after a loss to Texas on Saturday. Oklahoma's next four games are significantly easier than the schedule Texas faces. So if Texas loses one of these games does Oklahoma jump them in the polls or does Texas fall one or two slots only?

Meanwhile, it's looking as if Florida and Georgia will play an elimination game at the Cocktail Party. But if you're a Georgia fan don't you have to scratch you head about the polls now? You were ranked higher than Florida prior to your losses and lost to the number 2 team in the country. Florida lost to an unranked team with no other SEC wins. Both were home losses. Yet Florida is number 5 now and Georgia is number 10? I've argued that Georgia was overrated early in the season, but I don't see how anyone can justify Florida jumping six places after a win over LSU. Basically the Ole Miss loss is already being tossed aside as if it didn't happen. Why? Because the pollsters are all convinced Florida is that good. Even if they lost.

3. Four of the top 11 teams in the country are now in the Big 12 South. Meaning, for at least a season, the Big 12 South has eclipsed the SEC East as the toughest single division in college football. Here's a mess for you, what if Texas wins the South via a tiebreak over Oklahoma then loses the Big 12 Title to a two-loss Missouri team. It could easily happen. Then Oklahoma doesn't win their own division title and leapfrogs not only the conference champion but also the division champion to play for the BCS Title? Yeah, absurd.

4. The fevered dream of Northwestern and Vandy in the BCS title game went down to an untimely defeat with the Dores loss at Mississippi State and Northwestern's loss at home to Michigan State. Sing a sad song with me. I suggest Wonderwall.

5. Overheard from a player on the UT-Georgia sideline, "At least we're not Michigan losing at home to Toledo." Fortunately Toledo is not on the UT schedule this season.

6. Some of you took my lock advice Friday and laid money on Texas Tech as a 20 point favorite. Yeah, that didn't work out so well. As Deadspinner Jason emailed late on Saturday night, "You, sir, make a lousy financial advisor. I'm going to hire Ferdinand Williams to break your kneecaps."

(For those of you who don't know, Ferd Williams was a GW basketball player in the 1996 and 1997 season. Judging from his career shooting percentage, it's very likely he'd swing a hammer to break my kneecaps and instead hit himself in the lower lumbar region.)

7. One month ago I got several emails from people who were racist against the state of Utah about how ridiculous my hyping of the BYU-Utah game was. Still feel that way? BYU is up to number 8 in the Harris Poll. Anyone looking at the top ten and betting on an undefeated team emerging from the Big 6 conferences is a fool (or a Penn State fan since they have by far the best shot). Could an undefeated BYU with a top ten win over Utah on the final week of the regular season really not get a sniff at the BCS Title Game?

8. Mike Gundy has Oklahoma State as a player on the national scene. I have no idea what's going to come of this but it can only be good things. Prior to this you'll recall that Gundy is A.) a man and B. 40. Now he's also in the top ten. Does anyone else get the feeling that the interview process for head coaches at Oklahoma State doesn't even include words? Head coaching candidates just walk into the room, pull down their pants, and throw their gigantic balls on the AD's desk. That's the only way to explain how a school can follow up hiring Les Miles with Mike Gundy.

(Because this never gets old.)

9. Ohio State is not going to play for the national championship no matter what they do the rest of the season. They're still pegged in at number 12. There are 5 one loss teams ahead of them and 6 undefeated teams. In the Harris Interactive poll (which is the one that counts in the BCS), Ohio State actually fell to 13. Consider this the retroactive punishment for 2007 and 2008 losses. Come hell (the return of or high water (an 11-1 finish), Ohio State is not playing for the BCS title.

10. Which team has lost the most based upon an upset loss to a mediocre team? How about Virginia Tech? Beat rapidly fading East Carolina (they've lost three in a row) and worst-case scenerio they're number 4 in the country now. Ouch.

11. Finally, in case you missed the Miami-Central Florida game (which, to be fair, we all did), Central Florida brought their own versions of the Ibis to the house. Miami managed to survive the double-fingered bird salute and triumphed 20-14.

Texas v. Oklahoma (-6.5)- According to Texas fans Colt McCoy is the white Vince Young. Their stats are comparable but it's yet to be determined whether their big game heroics and sanity are equally similar. Although rumor has it that Colt has been rolling into Austin bars shirtless and swilling Patron for months. Make of this what you will.

Meanwhile Sam Bradford of Oklahoma has already thrown 18 touchdown passes. Seriously, 18. Colt only has 16. Both men have thrown 3 picks. So their combined touchdown to interception ratio is 34-6. This would be more impressive if either team had played a legit top 25 opponent yet. But they haven't.

Both the Texas and Oklahoma offenses average over 45 points a game while each is giving up less than two touchdowns. In a stroke of mathematical precision that has yet to be noted by anyone in either Texas or Oklahoma both teams average margin of victory is 35.8. So something has got to give. (Brent Musberger made himself a legend by intoning the previous cliche with the proper measure of respect.) Just be careful, this game is set for 12 eastern. Set the damn alarm.

South Carolina (-3) at Kentucky- It's rare you see a line move four points. This one has. After opening as one-point favorites the Cats now find themselves three-point home dogs. I have no idea what this signifies. Except somehow I think Stephen Garcia is behind the magically moving line. I'm expecting him to go all Achilles on us and decapitate Kentucky's quarterback Mike Hartline during warm-ups. Word is he blames Hartline for killing Patroclus. Remember where you heard it first. Unless you're a police officer then...ha...lucky guess.

Nebraska at Texas Tech (-20)- It's even rarer I give gambling advice, but right now take all of the money that you've got left in stocks, cash out (go ahead and take your tax losses), and put it on Texas Tech to cover the 20 point line. Seriously, do it. Nebraska has the defense of a southern Theta at a Dave Matthews concert. Which is to say none. Back the truck up at the sports book. Do it now. Do it. (Not that you still subscribe to peer pressure anymore but if you don't do this then I'm telling everyone that you slept with special sheets to keep your mattress from getting soaked when you still wet your bed at the age of 16.)

(Mike Leach will make you one rich ass dude. Trust me.)

Tennessee at Georgia (-12)-- As you're reading this I'm somewhere in the backwoods of Georgia on the Tennessee team bus. If the Vols allow a punt return for a touchdown you'll probably be able to hear me squealing on the television contest. In what might be a Deadspin first, email me if you're driving back from Athens to Nashville. I don't have a ride home since the team is returning home via plane. This is not a joke.

Oklahoma State at Missouri (-14)- This is one of three games that Missouri could potentially lose in the regular season. The other two are at Texas and against Kansas on the final week. They probably won't lose this game but it should be entertaining as hell. Oklahoma State's under the radar. If they can score in the 40's, they won't be after this weekend. Regardless, Chase Daniel and Warren Buffet's album is so going platinum when it drops next week.

Arkansas at Auburn (-17)- How bad is Arkansas? Auburn hasn't scored more than two offensive touchdowns in the SEC this year and they just fired their offensive coordinator, yet they're favored by 17. I'm really just mentioning this game so I can link Tony Franklin clearing out his office. Which they filmed in Alabama. Well, of course they did.

Penn State (-5.5) at Wisconsin- Sooner or later Wisconsin's fans are going to turn on the band and blame their sexual misconduct for all the team's misfortune. But that's in the future. Six quarters ago Wisconsin fans believed they were headed to the Rose Bowl. Now, they're just hoping not to end up in the Motor City Bowl. Yeah, the college football tides turn in a hurry.

Meanwhile this is game 2 of Penn State's march to the BCS Title game. Win and it's looking like their road game at Ohio State will decide the Big Ten title. Lose...and it's still looking like their road game at Ohio State will decide the Big Ten title.

LSU at Florida (-6)- Just once I'd like to see the world through Les Miles colored glasses. Nothing in life is uncertain to Les Miles. He's the least doubting man in America. As a consequence he's fearless. That's the only way to explain his success. Hemingway said, "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are stronger at broken places." I disagree, the world has never broken Les Miles. And it never will.

Conversely, the world breaks Tim Tebow after every game. He cries, he mopes, he swears fealty to an angry God. Last year LSU fans got Tebow's phone number, this year, they're gunning for his football life. Which they cleverly informed the referees. Meaning LSU gets flagged for at least two late hits in the first half. The resulting points from those drives will probably be enough to make a difference.

Arkansas and Texas are set to play this weekend in Austin. This was to be Bobby Petrino's first step outside Razorback Stadium and also his first game against a team that had a pulse. But then came Hurricane Ike. The postponement of the game hasn't yet been officially announced but it's likely enough for erudite internet pontificators with chest hair and Florida Hawaiian shirts to pronounce it blog-certain. If this happens, given the woeful performance by Arkansas's football team in stellar come-from-behind wins over Western Illinois and La-Monroe, for at least one weekend God's a Razorback. This means that Texas's prior hurricane strategy, sending Mack Brown to Galveston and having him clap his hands vigorously as the onrushing storm envelops him, has been rejected.

Spencer points out that both teams have the same open date of September 27 so rescheduling would be as easy as finding KD's ski-poling. Now Razorback fans just need to find a way to get the September 27 game postponed as well so they can pound their chests, claim that Texas was lucky not to get Petrino'd, and throw the reverse Horns sign up while calling the Hogs. Arkansas fans are so understated.

Arkansas/Texas postponement: Blog Certain [EDSBS]

Ike may cause Texas-Arkansas postponement [Austin-American]

Caught on camera doing dirty things. I'm sure this won't find it's way around campus at all.

Video via EDSBS.

At long last, we enter the top 10. Your author is Peter Bean of Burnt Orange Nation. He's also the author of The Eyes of Texas 2008. You'll be happy to know that the above picture of Jenna Bush rocking the longhorn sign sent Muslim hearts spinning because they believed it was a sign of Satan. Oklahoma and Arkansas natives have never felt so in tune with their Muslim brothers. Without further ado, here we go.

TEXAS’ GREATEST STRENGTH

William Larry Muschamp.

I shouldn’t have to elaborate, but this is Deadspin, where college football has for too long been an afterthought. A word of advice: Don’t let Will Muschamp find out. So intense is Texas’ new defensive coordinator that starting linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy has dreams about Muschamp yelling at him for screwing up.

Will Muschamp is the guy who screams profanities on national television, a man so intense his disciples wouldn’t blink if they saw him grab a bird from mid-flight, bite off its head, and then scream at its decapitated carcass for being too dumb to realize it shouldn’t be flying nearby.

He’s read that list of things Chuck Norris can do. And he hopes to meet the man himself so he can spit on his nappy beard and tell him that Texas Walker Ranger was a crime against humanity.

Will Muschamp thinks ‘defense’ is a misnomer. Because he’s training a war machine in Austin, and with it he intends to impose his will. The defenders this fall will be the pale-with-fear offensive linemen worrying about how to avoid having their quarterback killed.

He is Will Muschamp. Wear a helmet, motherfuckers.

TEXAS’ GREATEST WEAKNESS

On the flipside, every Texas fan should tell you the only thing standing between the Longhorns and a national title run is The Mack Clap.

If Will Muschamp is everything that is dark and angry and aggressive, The Mack Clap is the yellow ribbon from junior high that sissified parents hand out to everyone who participates. A visual and auditory reinforcement of failure. Too much love. Acceptance of the idea that trying hard is okay.

It is not. Winning is okay. Everything else is just frill.

This is the internal battle brewing in Austin, between the way things have been (Vince Young era excepted) and the way Will Muschamp wants them to be. If this is the Mack Brown you see this fall… look out.

A SHOT AT THE RIVAL

This summer Orson and I devoted a podcast to imagining the wine critic Robert Parker as a college football connoisseur. On Oklahoma, I can’t imagine a better way to describe them than how I imagined Robert Parker might:

“Oklahoma: as though Franzia had discarded the box concept in favor of used kerosene drums, a repugnant combination of biting acidity and malodorous toxins, packaged for sale to the lowliest lifeforms on Earth. As far as I’m concerned, the sooner—pun intended—we return the entire state to the Native Americans, the better.”

Amen.

Hook ‘em.

The Dallas Morning News caught up with him to gauge his reaction:

"It sounds like Texas high school football has gone soft," he said from his home in Philadelphia. "The idea of serving sushi at a Texas high school football game just flies in the face of everything I know about Texas high school football.

"What are they going to serve next, penne pasta?" Mr. Bissinger said. "Let's get back to good ol' fashioned Texas barbecue."

The sushi will be served from tiki huts. After an exhaustive investigation the Star-Telegram confirmed that the closest delicacy currently served at Texas sporting events was...popcorn shrimp. Great.

Carroll Dragon fans can go for sushi this fall [Star-Telegram]
Southlake Carroll rolling out sushi at high school football games

As well they should. But, even still, are Texas high school cheerleaders the Cincinnati Bengals of the high school sports community? Granted there are a lot more Texas cheerleaders but the arrest rate and criminal mischief seems about equal. Raise your hand if you're willing to do in-depth reporting on this plague.

More than two dozen cheerleaders get stuck in UT elevator [Statesman.com]