The latest conscript is Joe Mauer, and here is what Verducci has to say:

Since baseball instituted steroid testing with penalties in 2004, the sport has largely lacked a major national narrative to pull the game forward the way that the consecutive-games record of Cal Ripken and the (since devalued) 1998 home run race between Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa did in the wake of the '94 strike. ...

Here is where Mauer comes in. With home runs having gone the way of junk bonds, derivatives and no-document mortgages, the most iconic, captivating pursuits are of hitting streaks and a .400 batting average, in part because of their daily drama and the stirring of the ghosts that come with them.

This is now almost a tic with Verducci, who seems to watch baseball these days and see nothing but a dancing procession of sandwich men for his cause. Players like:

Troy Tulowitzki and most of the 2005 draft class (March 25, 2008):

Listen up, people. What's next for baseball, which is still trying to distance itself from the Steroid Era, was articulated last Oct. 11 in the middle of the diamond of Chase Field in Phoenix. There was Colorado Rockies rookie shortstop Troy Tulowitzki, a day after turning 23, giving an earful to Arizona Diamondbacks rookie rightfielder Justin Upton, two months removed from his 20th birthday. ... Game on. Era on.

Albert Pujols and Miguel Cabrera (Aug. 22, 2005):

The seismic shift is obvious now as baseball moves into a new era and distances itself, however awkwardly, from a period that literally defies belief. ... The game belongs to a new generation. Above all, it belongs to Cabrera and Pujols, two righthanded batters who hit for power and high average. They are the most dominant among SI's picks for the best 25-and-under player at each position, the players who will define the new era.

Hank Aaron (July 17, 2007):

Even when Barry Bonds holds the record, Hank Aaron can still be the people's home run king—and 755 can still be the number in which we believe.

Small ballers (May 30, 2005):

If power helped dumb down the game—think how little baserunning and defense matter in slo-pitch softball—then a decline in power means small ballers such as Craig Counsell of the Arizona Diamondbacks, David Eckstein of the Cardinals, Juan Pierre of the Marlins, Scott Podsednik of the White Sox and Ichiro Suzuki of the Seattle Mariners are more valuable.

The Japanese national baseball team (April 03, 2006):

The product on the field, fueled by the expanding pool of international players and the drifting away from the dumbed-down powerball of the Steroid Era, has never been better. The wildly successful World Baseball Classic celebrated both trends, what with the champion team from Japan, populated with bodies more likely found in a library than in a bodybuilding gym, transforming pitching, defense and bat control into artistry.

Alex Rodriguez (Nov. 26, 2007):

Let the anticipation (and the home run countdown) officially begin. As The United States of America v. Barry Lamar Bonds became a reality, so too did baseball officials' hopes for a new face of the game. In A-Rod they trust.

That last one didn't work out so well for him, but no matter — there's always another guy out there, another stock character for the neverending morality play in Verducci's head, another ballplayer to submit to this dehumanizing ritual of being wrenched into a symbol of unimpeachable, chemically pure virtue. Today, it's Joe Mauer. This isn't a "major national narrative." This is Tom Verducci collecting Hummel figurines for his mantle.

Joe Mauer Will Serenely, Politely Crush You [Sports Illustrated]

So dominant was Johnson that before a game in 1993, the home plate umpire told Mariners catcher Dave Valle, "They don't even need you with Randy pitching."

"What are you talking about?" replied Valle, who would not name the ump.

"He's so good they don't need you. Let me call the pitches tonight."

"I let him call every pitch." recalls Valle, to whom the umpire whispered pitches under his breath.

An overpowering Johnson went the distance in a Mariners victory.

This is of course wildly implausible, and very likely in the same vein of charming but plainly obvious bullshit as the famous tale about catching Greg Maddux with your eyes closed. But let's assume for a moment that it's entirely true. Who was the ump? Verducci gives us enough clues — a complete-game victory in 1993, with Dave Valle catching — to whittle the list down to these seven guys:

Jim McKean, vs. Boston, April 21 (Johnson's line: 4 hits, 0 ER, 8 strikeouts)
Tim Welke, vs. Cleveland, April 26 (7 hits, 3 ER, 7 strikeouts)
Dale Scott, at Oakland, May 16 (1 hit, 0 ER, 14 strikeouts)
Ken Kaiser, at Toronto, Aug. 20 (3 hits, 1 ER, 11 strikeouts)
Joe Brinkman, vs. Milwaukee, Sept. 5 (5 hits, 2 ER, 13 strikeouts)
Ed Hickox, vs. Texas, Sept. 21 (3 hits, 0 ER, 11 strikeouts)
Drew Coble, at Minnesota, Oct. 1 (9 hits, 2 ER, 7 strikeouts)

Let's toss Coble and Welke, Johnson being a notch below dominant in those starts. It's doubtful that an ump would want to dick around with either a pennant race (which eliminates Hickox; the Rangers were four-and-a-half out at the end of the day) or a no-hit bid (which absolves Dale Scott; the A's didn't get a hit until the ninth). Two of the remaining three presided over fairly tight games.

And the other one? Well, first of all, it should be said that the moral of the story here is that Dave Valle is very probably full of beans. But if I had to name a suspect, I'd go with Jim McKean, who umped Johnson's 5-0 shutout in April and who in 1993 tied a record by calling the 10th no-hitter of his career (he is now retired). According to his Wikipedia page, McKean claims to have played in something called the Canadian Football League, which is highly suspicious because everyone knows that no such league exists.

Randy Johnson Will Grind Your Bones To Make His Bread [Sports Illustrated]

Former Yankee trainer Steve Donahue said part of Roger's pregame warm-up was taking a whirlpool bath at the hottest possible temperature, enough to where he'd "come out looking like a lobster." Then there's this little trick, which gave The Rocket the additional competitive edge he needed before Game 2 of the 2000 World Series against the Mets, courtesy of Fan IQ:

Then Donahue would rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles.

“He’d start snorting like a bull,” the trainer said. “That’s when he was ready to pitch.”

That's just terrifying. But it should in no way ruin Roger Clemens chances for Hall of Fame induction.

Joe Torre's Book Includes Story About Roger Clemens And His Testicle Rubdown [Fan IQ]

We also enjoy that he has the gumption to get out there and play occasionally, and not in a Billy Crystal way either. He played in last year's Hall of Fame Game, and we hope he enjoyed himself, because that's the last one of those they're going to play for a while.

So, he's basically SI's Peter King, for baseball, without all the television appearances and updates on coffee, field hockey and complaints about people with their headphones on too loud.

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We understand Verducci's instinct; playing baseball was one of the most pleasurable things we've ever done, and we miss it, pretty much every day. But after a while, it really does just become a vanity project; yes, yes, Tom, we understand that you are in better shape than just about everybody else who covers baseball. But it might be time to let it go. To quote On The Show:

Josh Lyman in the West Wing (Brad Whitford's character) had a terrific line, saying "There comes a time in every man's life when he realizes he won't be playing professional baseball." That time in your life is now. You're a lot like that weird guy in Happy Gilmore following around Shooter McGavin, a man would do anything to be closer to the sport. It's beneath you, and it's embarrassing. Journalist's forays have often yielded disastrous, though hilarious, results, and before you know it, your wife is going to have the ass because you're spending all your time in the batting cages getting ready for your next "story", in the utterly insane notion that some team, somewhere, will actually give you a shot. Madness, I tell you.

We understand the notion; believe us, Tom, we do. But it's probably time to move on now. Every athlete scoffs that all sports reporters are just frustrated athletes. You're not doing much to prove them wrong. We know it hurts. We know. But time to put the spikes away.

Cooperstown Calling [SI.com]
Tommy Can You Hear Me? [On The Show]

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated, 3 April 2006

"We stand now on the cusp of not just another season but of another era, as vulnerable as lovers on the rebound. ... A glowering Barry Bonds, closing in on Babe Ruth while under review of the commissioner's office for alleged steroid use, is our daily reminder — like the ex who works a few cubicles away — of the betrayal. And you know what? It doesn't hurt one bit. We are so over it. In fact, now we're falling hard for a game that is cleaner, more nuanced and more competitive than it has been in a generation. It's a young man's game, belonging to new stars who, certified by the sport's tougher drug policy, have replaced their juiced-up, broken-down elders who aged so ungracefully. It is baseball as it ought to be. A fresh start."

Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated, 15 May 2006

"It will be a long time, if ever, before the kind of happy delusion that was 1998 can take us on a blissful, unquestioning joyride again. We know and suspect too much now. ... [B]aseball can't be the same anymore, not when Bonds can hit his 715th home run and it superiority to 714 lacks absolute clarity. No wonder so many people are booing."

Well, it has been a month.

15 May 2006, Sports Illustrated [SI.com]

But Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci points out a pretty serious problem: Not only is FOX not telecasting any of the games — which is hardly a problem, though we like the idea of Tim McCarver trying to pronounce a bunch of Japanese names — but the title games won't get started until about 10 p.m. at night. Not to go all Phil Mushnick on you here, but 10 p.m.? Start time? We're gonna have to take a vacation just so we can watch these games in downtown Tokyo at noon.

Global Warming [SI.com]

(By the way, why are we hearing so much about the World Baseball Classic right now? Because tickets go on sale next week, of course!)