I know I'm not the first to point this out about mid-October, but this has to be one the best weekends of the year for sports. Two baseball playoff series, a full slate of college and NFL football, there's got to be an NHL game on somewhere and tonight is Midnight Madness. Even fake NBA can be had for the right price! There is literally something for everyone. Unless you like golf. That's why Zeus invented the Wii.

* * * * *

Anyway, this week is #over. How are those hash tags working out for everyone? Not using them at all, you say? Fair enough. Most of the kinks should be worked out by early next week, so do try to play around with it this weekend. Remember, use the big box on the front page to start new threads and yammer about whatever the hell you want. May I suggest #prayforfrog to get you started?

I have no idea who your weekend hosts are. Raise your hand if it's you! Otherwise just trust in the internet to provide you with one. It always does.

I really do appreciate Tommy Lasorda's efforts to cheer up troops at remote Afghan bases by going along on USO handshake tours. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend a week in a lawless Central Asian doomscape with Hall-of-Famer David Robinson, President Palmer, and the liquid Terminator. That's good times all around. But obviously Lasorda's aging body is not built for 27-hour flight on C-130 cargo planes and dodging homemade RPGs in your Blackhawk.

The man is tired, people. Give him a break!

Chairman Brings USO Show to Remote Afghan Bases [Defense Link]

* * * * *

Hey, it's ... (checking files) ... only Wednesday! Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, please.

It's both funny and sad (but mostly funny) to watch Tommy struggle his way through this lengthy Q and A with WGN. Look, we kid Tommy because we love, but seriously ... the man is 81 years old! Whose idea was it to let him roast in the Southern California heat, with a sweater on and no hat, while two guys in Chicago confuse him with questions containing double negatives. He can't see, he can't hear, he can't complete his thoughts and the voices beamed into his head aren't helping matters. Can't you see the man needs his rest? At least get him a glass of lemonade and a Panama hat, for cryin' out loud.

Tommy only really perks up about 3 1/2 minutes in when asked about traitorous American ballplayers who refuse to defend their country's honor, which is pretty much the equivalent of punching the Statue of Liberty in the face. He loves his country with so much passion that now, even I need a nap.

TV Interview Interrupts Tommy Lasorda's Nap Time [Bugs and Cranks]

Lasorda gave fans of the World Baseball Classic U.S. team a pep talk from the observation deck of the Empire State Building (don't ask), where he uttered the following quote:

"We cannot allow those clubs to beat us. It's our game," the former Los Angeles Dodgers manager said Thursday. "Remember one thing: In your hearts, you better pull for the USA or you may not get into heaven."

"It's our game. Baseball is America's game. It doesn't belong to the Italians or the Cubans or the Koreans or the Japanese," he said. "It's our game, and we're not going to let them beat us."

I'm not sure what I can do from where I am, but if affixing this tiny American flag to my car antennae will help, then OK. The U.S. opened the tournament on Thursday with a 4-0 win over China in Tokyo. Obviously the godless Chinese will not get into heaven. I wonder if Dave Kingman will?

Tommy Lasorda Waves The Flag For Team USA [The Sporting News]

If, as some are saying, Billy Crystal signing with the Yankees is making a mockery of baseball, then what do we make of Tommy Lasorda's return to the Dodgers? While Crystal is in danger of getting hurt in his one-game exhibition game stint on Thursday, Lasorda could very well keel over dead. I mean, just look at him; and remember that he's 80. I keep seeing that scene in The Godfather in which Vito Corelone falls over dead in the tomato garden (as Rafael Furcal chases him with the bug sprayer).

On Tuesday, Lasorda actually trundled out to argue a call. Heavens. Tim Brown of Yahoo Sports picks up the action: "And then Tommy Lasorda shot — well, slid — from that chair and charged — well, slogged — across the field, into the chest of that tall, angular and terribly misguided umpire. The overflow crowd stood and cheered while Lasorda, going on 12 years since a heart attack took him from the Dodgers' dugout, blew smoke and spittle in the general direction of Gary Cederstrom's neck, which just slayed the grinning umpire." I've always seen Lasorda as the Krusty the Klown of baseball, having long ago become a parody of himself. But this is just sad. And dangerous. Because when he finally does topple over, he may just begin rolling and never stop.

• Kaz Matsui Has Anal Fissures. Sorry, but I didn't know how to say it, so I just said it. As mentioned yesterday, from the Houston Chronicle: "Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure." And, AOL Fanhouse has done further research: "An anal fissure is an unnatural crack or tear in the anus skin. Various causes of this fissure include: Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry; severe and chronic constipation; severe and chronic diarrhea; Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis; tight sphincter muscles; anal intercourse." I think it was a Deadspin commenter who coined the perfect term for this: "Ass Tectonics."

• Bud Selig Can Afford To Pick Up That Check. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig earned $14.5 million in baseball's latest fiscal year, according to Major League Baseball's tax return, which I obtained by opening certain filing cabinets with a brick. The best part: Selig received $140,603 for expenses. I'm pretty sure none of that was for clothing.

Such brutal language as "You cock-sucking son of a bitch!" "You prick eating bastard!" "... "Kiss my ass, you son of a bitch!" "A dog must have fucked your mother when she made you!" "I'll make you suck my ass!" ... and many other revolting terms are used by a limited number of players to intimidate umpires and opposing players. ... Whether it be the language quoted above, or some other indecent and infamous invention of depravity, the League is pledged to remove it from the ball field.

First, I love the fact that in 1897, you could tell an umpire "I'll make you suck my ass!" with complete impunity. Other than that, Tommy Lasorda wonders what all the fuss was about.

19th Century Ballplayers Uncensored [100 Percent Injury Rate]
Can We Even Run This? 1898 Obscene Language Baseball Document - Not For Kids! [Robert Edward Auctions]

We don't think Torre quite looks right in a Dodgers uniform; after years of Tommy Lasorda in that thing, sheesh, the guy almost looks too skinny. (Must be all the tea.) He's got a three-year deal, and we hope he spends every day of those three years hanging out with Vin Scully. They kind of deserve each other. They're both on the current Mt. Rushmore of baseball, they've both seen far better days and they both are kind of humored by everyone because of all they've accomplished in the past. Oh, and Joe? Block Lasorda's phone number. Seriously.

Torre Gets A Sunny Welcome [New York Times]

OK, we just revel in one: The swirly move! In honor of Tommy's big day, we remind you of the famous madam's book excerpt:

Sasha/Gibson: "She's a sweetie. Her name is Nanna. She's Swedish, about 5'6'', nice perky 34b, slim and terrific company. Perhaps you can tell me what you're looking for? Anything in particular I should know?"

Lasorda: "Actually, Sash, I'd like to have some porn for me to watch while she sucks my (expletive). I'm into watching two gals together in a movie. Can she have that there?"

(Edit: Nanna reports to Sasha/Gibson after Lasorda encounter)
Nanna: "He was super easy and a really nice guy. You were right on all counts, Sasha. First he requested I pop in my girl, girl porn movie. ... He just loved watching all that! I noticed though that he wasn't the aggressive type. ... Here I had this real hot porn movie on. He enjoyed watching the girl, girl bisexual sex scenes best. He started to take his (expletive - penis) out and (expletive - masturbate). Then when I saw he was good and hard I started to suck his (expletive - penis). He really liked that! Then I used your 'swirly' move and relaxed my throat muscles so I could take him deep into my throat.

Feel the magic, people: In 30 years, we're gonna get September 22 off work.

Tommy Lasorda Knows What He Likes [Deadspin]
Lasorda's Lifetime ... So Far [Yahoo! Sports]

This photo is from Alyssa Milano's MLB Blog, and it features Alyssa sitting on Tommy Lasorda's lap.

Yep. Tommy Lasorda. Careful, Alyssa ... very careful.

*touch 'em all* [MLB Blogs]
Tommy Lasorda Wants You To Know He Doesn't Pay For Sex [Deadspin]

This is Tommy Lasorda during a Dodgers spring training game yesterday, dozing off during a spare moment and having visions, of course, of "swirly moves."

Lasorda Rests [Yahoo Sports]
Book Excerpt: Tommy Lasorda Knows What He Likes ... Sweet Heavens, Does He Ever [Deadspin]

Sasha/Gibson: "She's a sweetie. Her name is Nanna. She's Swedish, about 5'6'', nice perky 34b, slim and terrific company. Perhaps you can tell me what you're looking for? Anything in particular I should know?"

Lasorda: "Actually, Sash, I'd like to have some porn for me to watch while she sucks my (expletive). I'm into watching two gals together in a movie. Can she have that there?"

(Edit: Nanna reports to Sasha/Gibson after Lasorda encounter)
Nanna: "He was super easy and a really nice guy. You were right on all counts, Sasha. First he requested I pop in my girl, girl porn movie. ... He just loved watching all that! I noticed though that he wasn't the aggressive type. ... Here I had this real hot porn movie on. He enjoyed watching the girl, girl bisexual sex scenes best. He started to take his (expletive - penis) out and (expletive - masturbate). Then when I saw he was good and hard I started to suck his (expletive - penis). He really liked that! Then I used your 'swirly' move and relaxed my throat muscles so I could take him deep into my throat.

!!!!

!!!!

God, somebody kill us, like, right now.

Excerpt From Madam's Book On Lasorda Encounter [Sports By Brooks]
Tommy Lasorda Wants You To Know He Doesn't Pay For Sex [Deadspin]

In "Secrets of a Hollywood SuperMadam," an autobiography due in bookstores Thursday, Gibson names two dozen celebrities she says patronized her call-girl service. A review of the court file shows that Gibson listed actor Bruce Willis; former Dodgers Manager Tom Lasorda; Steve Jones, the Sex Pistols guitarist and KDLE-FM (103.1) radio jock; and the late film producer Don Simpson, among others.

"I have never heard of this woman and don't know why she would accuse me of something like this," Lasorda said in a statement issued by his attorney, Tony Capozzola. "But if she prints these lies, I intend to sue."

We eagerly await further explanation from Tommy Lasorda's Blog; we can't imagine that guy dipping body parts into anything more controversial than plates of penne, personally. But maybe we're just trying to protect our brain there.

L.A. Madam's 'Trick Book' Is Unsealed [Los Angeles Times]
Tommy Lasorda's Blog [MLB Blogs]

But before we venture out into the bleachers this season, we want to know three things: Is the structural integrity of the support beams routinely checked? Will Takeru Kobayashi be allowed up there? And what's the restroom situation? This could give the Dodgers their own special version of Sausage Racing.

There's nothing about this over at the Tommy Lasorda blog, where you'd expect in-depth coverage. Tommy instead uses his most recent post to deny any involvement in the Robert Kennedy assassination.

Fans Get Right To Be Stuffed [Los Angeles Times]

"It means more than just a hat," Littleton said. "It's like my crown. It's like asking a king to remove his crown. A Jewish man — would you ask me to remove my yarmulke? A Kofee? A turban? Anything like that? But I guess a Los Angeles Dodgers hat is not a religious symbol. That is secular. You respect religion but you don't respect this."

And somewhere in Los Angeles, Tommy Lasorda's signal-watch is beeping. A Dodgers fan in trouble? To the fatplane!

Man Who Was Tasered At Council Meeting Speaks [ABC12.com]

You really have to just listen to the clip. Go ahead. We'll wait here.

All right, first off, Lasorda is clearly out of his mind (oh, and still really into porn.) Even he has no idea what he's talking about. But along those lines, the victim of his aggression, radio sidekick Mark Willard, sort of betrays himself a bit here too, with his immediate backing down and apologies to the crazy old bat on the other end of his telephone. We mean, Tommy Lasorda is a toddering old man who seems to barely know where he is anymore. No need to apologize: Just wait the man out, and pretty soon he'll start screaming about how he once ate pasta off the left breast of Angie Dickinson. It's Lasorda!

But we don't mean to sound so "smart," and we apologize

Lasorda Drop-Kicks Radio Show Sidekick [Sports By Brooks]
Tommy Lasorda's Flight Reading [Deadspin]

For those seeking insight into the first great Dodgers gaffe of the 21st Century — Jeff Kent and J.D. Drew running piggyback into a double play at home plate against the Mets on Wednesday — don't expect to see it on Lasorda's blog at MLB Blogs.com. He's too busy shilling for ESPN and Fox in a series of ads drumming up interest for the playoffs, because you wouldn't be inclined to watch anyway without an ancient fatso browbeating you through your TV. From MLB.com:

In the spirit of this new "Lasorda's Love" ad campaign, MLB.com asked many fans of eliminated teams what inspires them to still watch the postseason. Here are some reasons, in their own words:

(NOTE: Some reasons may have been supplied by us):

• Clara Simpson, Royals fan, Topeka, Kan. I like baseball. I also like cold, dark places. I'll watch the playoffs from beneath my neighbor's porch.

• Izzie Tomerelli, Devil Rays fan, St. Petersburg, Fla. I've fairly warned you to get off of my property. Now comes the mace.

• Jimmy "Squeaker" Knudson, Cambridge, Ontario. I have been in a coma for seven years. In what division are the Expos now?

Tommy Lasorda's World [MLB Blogs]
1985 NLCS [Wikipedia]
Plenty Of Reasons To Watch [MLB.com]

So as I walk in the Hudson News Stand, he had me beat by about 40 seconds.

Tommy is picking out his "porn magazine selection" SO I say to myself, Do not go up and say anything when the man is checking out Porn, which was hilarious in itself.

SO I walk by him, and kind of waited for him to move on, and he does, but in the time he is moving on, he folds the porn mag up in a roll, as to I guess be descreet.

The best part is what Lasorda ultimately does with the porn mag ... but we'll leave that one for you. Sometimes we wonder if this site should just be all Lasorda, all the time.

Must Read Story [The RX Forum]

Wait, sorry. Our first graph was incorrect. What we meant to write was that the blog Dodger Thoughts is all over this story, while Tommy Lasorda remains a worthless tub of goo who has become a sad, pathetic parody of himself. Yeah, we often mix up those two thoughts.

But we kid Tommy. Actually we'd love to have him over for dinner and hear the story, that he loves to tell, about how he would pitch to Jack Clark all over again if he could.

Tommy Lasorda's World [MLB Blogs]