I could not possibly synthesize or rationalize the massive volume of trades that took place today or how any of them effect the teams that were involved. I can't even figure out what happened here and I started the dang thing. I like to consider myself a fan of the game, but trying to sift through all of today's transactions always makes me feel so ... American. So I quit.

I leave it to those who are more expert in the ways of RFAs and UFAs and obscure Scandinavians. You people figure it out—and please tell me what happened when you do.

Puck Daddy's NHL Trade Deadline Live Blog, Hour 9 [Puck Daddy]
But Doctor, This Line is Dead! [Melt Your Face Off]
Trade Deadline 2009 Liveblog [Down Goes Brown]
NHL trade deadline — Experts' live blog [ESPN]

Houston sent Rafer Alston to Orlando, which is probably the only significant trade of the day. The Magic are still in the title hunt and needed someone to fill Jameer Nelson's shoes, so they made a move they needed to make. But all those superstar dream trades never materialized or never existed in the first place.

The Knicks did whatever it is they think they're doing over there, getting Larry Hughes but choosing to hold on to Krypto-Nate. (It is catchy!) The Bulls traded for ... everybody I think. The Kings acquired Sam Cassell's corpse. And that's pretty much it. All the division leaders (except the Magic) are basically standing pat. The Suns somehow think that beating the Clippers twice means they have a chance to win this thing. And I've had wayyyyyy more than my daily allowance of Stephen A. Smith. (Which my doctor has wisely capped at "zero.")

Magic nab Rockets' Alston in last-minute deal [NBA]
Trade Talk Roundup [ESPN]
Rafer Alston to Orlando, Lowry to Houston, Cook to Memphis [Ball Don't Lie]

The details are still filtering in — that is to say, Heyman is typing them up really fast — but it appears Jason Bay is going to the Red Sox and the Pirates have a bunch of people only Joe Sheehan has heard of.

MLB.com has a conflicting report, but one suspects they'll take that down soon and pretend it didn't happen.

But yes: The Boston Red Sox have traded Manny Ramirez. It's like learning that Santa Claus lost 300 pounds. Sure, it's probably best for his short-term and long-term health ... but man, it just won't feel like Santa, will it?

I'll let Daulerio and the gang analyze it all, but ... right now, they needed someone who types really fast.

(UPDATE: The best part of Heyman's dispatch:

The announcement will be made in conjunction with a World Baseball Classic announcement at Dodger Stadium shortly.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure that WBC announcement's gonna get a lot of play now. "Excuse us, but before we talk about Manny, we'd like to introduce you to the uniforms South Korea will be wearing this year.")

(SECOND UPDATE: Those weren't "little people" at all: The Red Sox sent Craig Hansen and Brandon Moss to Pittsburgh. The Dodgers ship over Andy LaRoche and some guy named Bryan Morris. Doesn't it kind of seem like the Red Sox gave up a lot to get rid of Manny? I assume the Dodgers are picking up Manny's salary the rest of the year ... but still.)

(THIRD UPDATE: Just for the record, ESPN ... despite your claims, Amy K. Nelson was not the first to report the Manny trade. It was Jon Heyman. Everyone was watching. We all know better.)

(FOURTH UPDATE: ESPN, chastened (ha!), has taken down the claim that they broke the Manny story. We're sure Amy K. Nelson did great work today ... but she didn't break that story.)

Anyway, here's a rundown of the trades that did happen.

• Yep, the Red Sox now have Eric Gagne. It seems strange he hasn't pitched for the Red Sox or Yankees before, doesn't it?
• The Phillies got another wife beater to hang out with Brett Myers.
• The Royals sent Octavio Dotel to the Braves for Kyle Davies. This should make the Royals bullpen even more fun to watch.
• The Cardinals have Pineiro. Joy.
• The Yankees now have Wilson Betemit, and only gave up that Proctor fellow.

A few may trickle through as the night goes along, but those are the "big" ones. And we're gonna go back to talking about Kevin Garnett now.

By the way, Tom Glavine's going for his 300th win tonight. We hope he's not taking a cab to the game.

All right, the little timer on ESPNews has expired, and apparently the trade deadline is now over. Beware: Sometimes trades sneak through past the deadline; the Randy Johnson-to-Houston trade from about 10 years ago — Gawd, we're old — wasn't announced until a few hours past the then-midnight deadline.

But here's what's happened so far. Most noteworthy, by the way: Alfonso Soriano, it was just announced, will remain a Washington National. Which is awesome. Bowden's drunk again!

Here goes:

• The Mets have traded Xavier Nady to the Pirates for Roberto Hernandez and Oliver Perez. Remember Oliver? You do not want to know how much he destroyed our fantasy team last year. All kinds of activity in Pittsburgh: Sean Casey was shipped to Detroit, which, amusingly, sent Sloth to the minor leagues, and Craig Wilson to the Yankees for Shawn Chacon. Oh yeah, and Kip Wells went to Texas. This now concludes any obligation to discuss the Pirates until next March.

• Fox Sports says Greg Maddux is going to play for the Dodgers. It seems really weird that Greg Maddux was traded. Speaking of the Dodgers, they picked up Julio Lugo from the Devil Rays, which gives them about 10 veteran infielders.

• Todd Walker, one of the jerks who swept the Cardinals this weekend, is going to San Diego

• The Reds, who are still leading the wild-card, we might add, picked up Kyle Lohse from the Twins and Rheal Cormier from the Phillies. No, they did not trade Adam Dunn and Bronson Arroyo for them.

• Hey, the Royals made a trade! It's Matt Stairs is going to Texas for some guy named Joselo.

The best news of all comes from Baseball Musings: Peter Gammons continues to improve. We missed him today.

(UPDATE: Hey, the Cardinals traded for Jorge Sosa. AWESOME.)