We have internal guidelines designed to inform how we discuss the topic of sports media. These guidelines are important us, because they help maintain the credibility with which ESPN operates.

No one knows the guidelines better than Bill Simmons, and he customarily works within these standards. He also understands, as does everyone else at ESPN, that we regard these guidelines as being equally important when participating in social media.

While it's unfortunate — and sometimes painful — that not everyone outside of ESPN chooses to play by such rules, we choose to hold ourselves to higher standards. Regardless of the provocation, Bill's communication regarding WEEI fell short of those standards. So we've taken appropriate measures.

This shows ESPN employees that, even though the social media policy is still in its teething stage, this sets some clear guidelines that you cannot lash out at WEEI (an ESPN affiliate) even when provoked. This is also the same type of punishment parents give their teenage daughters for mouthing off at the dinner table.

Simmons has a much longer leash about stuff like this than many other Bristol employees who Tweet so that's why it's somewhat surprising that they enforced this meaningless little suspension upon him during the tail end of his book tour. He's banned for two weeks from Tweeting about...what exactly? The NBA? Fantasy football?

Anyway, apparently he's only allowed to Twitter about his book tour from here on out and the only stop left is his rescheduled Vegas one in early December. This is great news for the ESPN Zone in Las Vegas who will get tons of publicity as a result of this.

Bill Simmons Portland Book Tour [Oregon Live]

PHOTO: By The Beard Of Zeus

Despite Johnson's heroic 49-yard effort on Sunday, his team got waxed by the Chargers. So he did what any athlete would do in Fall 2009, he fired up the old Twitter to let the world know that his coach is a buffoon. (Way ahead of you, LJ.) Everything sic, by the way:

"my father got more creditentials than most of these pro coaches. … google my father!!!!!!!"

"My father played for the coach from "rememeber the titans". Our coach played golf. My father played for redskins briefley. Our coach. Nuthn"

Actually ... is that even an insult? I'm not sure if knowing someone who had a movie made about them makes someone else qualified to be an NFL coach, but if the point is that you can't do much worse than Todd Haley has in his first year ... then point taken, I guess.

But Larry wasn't done there. He decided to get into it with some other people on the internet that he doesn't even know. And maybe call one of them a fag.

Jared Launius: Interesting comments by Larry Johnson ( @toonlcon ) about "coaches." Hey LJ, is it Haley's fault you fall when D-Linemen blow on you?

Larry: "@jaredlaunius Sorry ur a cornball n ur mom birthed u broke. But I'm cakn patna. While u work or school for 5 dollas n hour. Ha!"

Jared Launius: "Apologies. His Twitter alias is @toonicon whatever the hell that means. Probably something about spitting in women's faces."

Larry: "@jaredlaunius think bout a clever diss than that wit your fag pic. Christopher street boy. Is what us east coast cats call u."

And still more:

"@DrewK30 got nuthn to do wit hiring my father. But u wouldn't know cuz u don't play either so keep on the sideline lil gril n cheer."

"@KD2407 then don't reply then. Still richer then u. Keep goin. Come play our game ooops forgot u can't."

It seems Larry's arsenal of comebacks pretty much consists of "I'm richer than you," which is admittedly quite persuasive. Let's see what else is on the Twitter Scandal checklist. Twitter feed turned to private and/or deleted? Check. Player's agent confirms that it's his feed, but tries to mitigate the damage? Check. So I guess all that's left is a fine and a fake apology before the week is out? And I don't know ... about eight or nine more losses for the Chiefs? (That probably would have happened regardless.)

However, when you consider that Johnson has not punched or spit upon anyone this season (that we know of!) and has refrained from recording any terrible rap songs, I'd say 2009 has been pretty successful.

Chiefs RB Larry Johnson Starts War of Words with Fans on Twitter [Arrowhead Pride]
LJ's Twitter page rips Haley, uses homophobic slur [Yahoo]
LJ's rant, the apparent shots at Haley, and what it all might mean for the Chiefs' locker room [KC Star]
Larry Johnson's dad has some advantages over Todd Haley [PFT]

UPDATE: Johnson in an effort to make the hole he's digging even deeper, tells Kansas City reporters entering the locker room on Monday to "Get your faggot asses out of here." Lovely. [PFT/Arrowhead Pride]

The franchisee of a chain pizza restaurant in St. Catharines, Ontario, has started an online campaign to get Shaquille O'Neal to visit his restaurant. That's it; pretty simple, right? They've started a Facebook group and a Twitter campaign to enlist as many people as possible in the hopes that O'Neal will catch wind and decide to pay a visit to Boston Pizza at the Pen Centre mall. They'll buy him a meal, and 10 percent of the day's sales go to a local children's rehabilitation center (absolutely a good cause). Here's the press release.

Presumably any appearance by O'Neal would be hyped up, and the increased sales that day would more than cover the 10 percent donation, making the restaurant the clear winners (with the charity coming second). But what's in it for Shaq? It's more than an hour's drive to the nearest NBA city, making this no easy appearance. But knowing how he loves goofy stunts like this, I wouldn't put it past him.

But here's my question for the folks at Boston Pizza: who do you think you are?

I don't mean that in any disparaging way. On the contrary, I'm impressed. O'Neal has made himself so accessible via technology that we feel justified in reaching out directly to him. Type a few words into Twitter, attach the right hashtag, and Shaquille O'Neal — Shaq, one of the biggest stars on the planet! — will read what you have to say. That still blows my mind.

There was an era when athletes were just people, when you could drink with them in a hotel bar, or send your kid to their front door to ask for an autograph. Then television came along and suddenly the were larger than life, and we as common fans had no hope of interacting with them other than cheering for or booing them from our seats.

Ironically it's technology that's bringing us full circle. Communications are a two-way street now; you could scream at your TV before, but the players inside couldn't hear you. But they're always checking their Twitter.

This can be a good thing or a bad thing. (Though, of course, it's neither. It's just what it is.) Fans have always felt like we're owed something by athletes. They represent us, we pay their salary, etc. But now we can actually ask things of them. A Canadian pizza joint is asking a superstar basketball player to travel to their restaurant, and expects at least a decent chance of success. Says the restaurant's owner:

In the past, people never had the mediums to reach out to these celebrities to ask them to do something. As active social media users ourselves, it seemed like a great idea to reach out to Shaq in this manner."

But here's one of the bad parts about this new paradigm; we forget the old ways. It's nonsense that people never had ways to reach out to celebrities. A quick phone call to O'Neal's agent, inviting him to make a charity appearance, is something that's always been available. And arguably it would have been more effective here, because someone who's as accessible as O'Neal is bombarded with messages throughout the day. There's no guarantee he'll ever hear about Boston Pizza via Twitter, if it's lost in the shuffle of thousands of other Tweets. A call to his agent, which would have been the only way to do this thirty years ago, would have at least guaranteed them an audience.

It's clear that Twitter is permanently changing our relationships with our athletes, but it's happening faster than we can create societal norms for it. Can I invite Shaq to my birthday party? Do I have the right to badmouth him if he refuses? Does he have more of an obligation to answer me than another player who's not as involved on Twitter?

And, more pressing to a dwindling but vocal minority: with this access, where does that leave the press?

BPPenCentre [Twitter]
Get Shaq to visit the Boston Pizza Pen Centre [Facebook]

I myself don't understand the Caray hate. He's an inoffensive, if bland play-by-play guy who never interjected himself into the game save a few miscues. Maybe it's the fact a grown man calls himself "Chip," but the game 163 backlash was impressive in its speed and completeness.

Now "Chip Caray" is Twittering, and they've nailed his nuances. Fake Chip Caray makes unexplainable factual errors, seems impressed by the most unlikely things, and throws in enough legit-sounding Tweets to make you wonder if this isn't the real thing.

@chipcaray [Twitter]

Reports are swirling about a feud between Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt Warner after a series of impolitic, armchair-quarterbacking Tweets by Larry's brother, Marcus, who evidently felt Larry wasn't getting the damn ball enough. They've since been taken down but can be found on Tweleted.

The main problem with Kurt Warner's record-setting day, in Marcus' analysis, was that Warner spread the ball around too much:

Marcus maintains that he "was kidding" — but his play calling brilliance is no laughing matter. I predict somebody hires him by week 6.

Marcus Tries To Clean Up His Mess [PFT]

Yes, the Robert Henson, the reserve rookie linebacker who has not played a down in the NFL. (That's his highlight reel above. He's on the right.) After the game on Sunday, he chastised his 1,200 Twitter followers saying:

"All you fake half hearted Skins fan can . . . I won't go there, but I dislike you very strongly, don't come to Fed Ex to boo dim wits!!"

Strong dislike! Meow! He Tweeted 52 times on Sunday night, most of them arguments (and then apologies) with other Twitter users over who is good and loyal fan and who is a poopyhead. I'm guessing most of the responses were something along the line of "Who the hell are you?" Among Henson's follow ups:

"No I didn't play but I still made more than you in a year and you'd [gladly] switch spots with me in a second. I was talking to the fans [who] said the crazy stuff, I'm use [to heckling] but I've never been booed in my own stadium. Again that was for the half hearted but if everyone wants to jump in come on. The question is who are you to say you know what's best for the team and you work 9 to 5 at Mcdonalds [sic].

The key difference between Henson and those 9-to-5ers, obviously, is that they actually work for their money. One Redskin veteran who was asked about the situation didn't even know if Henson was on the roster. Henson apologized and then shut down his Twitter page, so none of us will ever have to think about this again. The end.

Washington Redskins Linebacker Robert Henson Hears It From Fans After Venting on Twitter [Steinberg]

To recap:

Tuesday: Rex Ryan leaves a boring message for Jets' season ticket holders. Listen if you want, but I'll sum it up for you: "Hey, it's me, Rex. I know Belichick and Brady are better at their jobs than me and Sanchez, but if you guys are even louder and more obnoxious than usual, I think we might have a chance on Sunday...Oh, and has anyone seen my tooth-whitener? If so, please return it."

Wednesday: Tom Brady makes some boring, generic remarks.

Thursday: Jets Safety Kerry Rhodes says he's out to "embarrass the Pats" by hitting Brady a very specific number of times: "We will hit him more than six times. I promise you that."

Yesterday: Rodney Harrison and Kerry Rhodes exchange Twitter trash talk filled with so many "LOLs" that you'd think they were a couple of teenage girls fighting about boys, rather than grown men jiving before a football game:

"@Rodneyh37 r u playing sunday? i respect ur game but u crossed line. and i never talk smack u started it. i kno u respect my game! Tweet it!"
28 minutes ago from web

"@kerryrhodes I definitely respect your game on the field Kerry, but i didn't appropriate what you said about the Patriots its disrespectful."
22 minutes ago from web in reply to kerryrhodes

"@Rodneyh37 u being someone who played the game knows the media runs it i said we are gonna try to embarrass them! lol u should respect that"
14 minutes ago from web

"@kerryrhodes And even though i respect your game, you do have flaws and i have seen you pass on tackles and not always been physical."
18 minutes ago from web in reply to kerryrhodes

"@Rodneyh37 and i told u i respect ur game and u have flaws 2 lol. and so does ed reed! thats a given."
13 minutes ago from web

"@kerryrhodes The talk about Brady's knees and promising to hit him more than 6 times is what hit a nerve did you ever come back from…"
10 minutes ago from web in reply to kerryrhodes

"@Rodneyh37 see and thats my point i never ever said anything about hitting his knees! lol r u serious you know i dont play that way!"
12 minutes ago from web

"a surgery like that? no wonder you have no idea what kind of impact your words have for certain players who went through rehab."
14 minutes ago from web

Kerry, don't be a jerk. If you respect Rodney's game, "Tweet it!" LOL!

At some point during Sunday's edition of "The Sports Reporters"—live on ESPN, from the ESPNZone—Lupica declared that Pete Carroll has "underachieved" at USC, because his teams have only won two national championships in nine years. I'm just going to ignore that lunacy and move on to the point of this post, because college football writer Bruce Feldman handled it much better than I could have:

Mike Lupica sez Pete Carroll's team is "underachieving" >Right, cause Carroll's the one who's been livin off his rep & mailin it in 4 years.

Burn. But did I mention that Feldman also works for ESPN The Magazine? At least he got it temporarily right, since this message magically disappeared from his Twitter feed. Feldman told Michael David Smith that he "figured it was out of line," a sentiment that jibes well with this ominous statement from his bosses at ESPN: "It was inappropriate and we've spoken to Bruce and he completely understands."

Oh, I'm sure he understand. Completely.

ESPN Writer Rips Lupica Via Twitter [FanHouse]
Lupica takes shot at Carroll [OC Register]

As you know, Merriman was arrested on Sunday morning after Tequila accused him of choking her and restraining her from leaving his house. Everyone went to their Twitter feeds to get the rest of the story and the couple delivered. For awhile. She temporarily went into hiding, but when Merriman quietly linked to his official prepared lawyer statement, she unleashed a flurry of accusations and defenses (before going back underground again.)

He says he was simply trying to keep her from driving drunk. She retorts that she is "allergic to alcohol" and doesn't drink. (The owner of the club where she was photographed grinding on Merriman earlier that evening says she is lying and was "visibly intoxicated." He added, "It sounds like she's allergic to the truth." Meow!) She helpfully pointed that steroids make Hulk angry and linked to an old USA Today article about Merriman's drug troubles. Merriman responded by asking for funny YouTube videos because he "needs to laugh." He even accepted moral support from a Bronco fan, so you know it's serious.

What does all this mean? Besides the fact that you shouldn't try to fight your legal and/or relationship battles on Twitter? Actually, that might be the only lesson here. I can't decide if these two should never speak again or if they should get married and broadcast their honeymoon on UStream. They are both perfect and terrible for each other.

Tila Tequila Speaks On Merriman via Twitter [BlackSportsOnline]
Tila Tequila's Twitter Attacks Not Best Idea [Gawker]
After arrest, San Diego Chargers' Shawne Merriman says he was protecting girlfriend Tila Tequila [NY Daily News]
Related: Denver Broncos' tight end Richard Quinn faces harassment charges [ESPN]

Trust me, I hate covering this as much as you. But when the kickoff to college football season is being clearly overshadowed in terms of interest, I don't have much of a choice. So let's break things down.

In summary: nothing happened. Erin Andrews and the ESPN crew were consummate professionals, of course. She wore a tasteful little number, and no references were made by anybody (including, as far as we were shown, the fans) to anything but football. It might be just my imagination, but she chimed in a little less than usual, and a number of those were V/O's only. But then, I've never watched a game just for the sideline reporter appearances before.

Though it was an uneventful night, that doesn't mean the Internet ran out of opinions. To get a good sense of public impressions, I turned, as I often do, to Twitter.

The Twitterati were in rare form tonight...no, wait, they were in very common form. A few trenchant gems overwhelmed by the flood of terrible jokes that are currently sitting, unapproved in the DUAN! post's comments. But this is the pulse of America tonight.

I kind of like that last one. "Who the heck cares so much about this crap?" Amen to that, anonymous Twitterer. Now let's all move on.

Players and coaches are still allowed to use social media networks, but will not be allowed to post updates from 90 minutes before kickoff until after the traditional postgame press conferences. (Please let the media print your banalities first.) So, no "@ the coin toss. should i take tails?" or "@carsonp: I WAS OPEN!" and mercifully, no one pulling a BlackBerry out of their sock in the endzone. Of course, if the penalty is just a fine that may not stop some.

One other tidbit from the article that I was not aware of—referees are forbidden from using social media at all times. I guess it's because no one would want to have to explain to Jeff Triplette that those 5,000 Facebook "friends" only became fans so they could tell him he sucks.

Tweet delete: NFL bans social media in games [ESPN]

The Miami forward checked into a rehab hospital in Houston this morning, allegedly at the request of his Heat bosses. After the internet took notice of that crazy picture on Saturday night—in particular the mysterious plastic baggie in the background—Beasley started to crack, posting the following two messages on his Twitter.

"Y do I feel like the whole world is against me…I can't win for losin"

"Feelin like it's not worth livin!!!!!!! I'm done."

Shortly thereafter, all his online accounts were gone and now he's in rehab. Who knows how close he was to actually going over the edge, but now he will get some downtime with former coach John Lucas. (The NBA's Tony Dungy, I guess.) Is this just a PR move by the Heat or is Beasley seriously in trouble?

Obviously, he hasn't kicked the weed habit that's been following him since the draft last year, but that doesn't necessarily mean his life is falling apart. He could just be grasping at straws or maybe the Heat finally have drawn a line for him. Clean up your act or we're cutting you lose? Did Twitter just save his life or ruin it?

Heat's Beasley admitted into rehab center [Yahoo Sports]