So we get a big gold cup, and we get to fill it with any damn thing we want to. Landon Donovan's wine coolers are going to taste particularly fruity tonight, being sipped out of our special new cup.

Donovan was spectacular through the whole tournament, and scored again today against Mexico. And with the win, not only we get the big up made of gold, but we get to play in the 2009 FIFA Confederations Cup, which is more prestigious and has a better field, so we'll probably get killed.

But that's okay, it still feels good to beat Mexico. I don't think there are any sorts left where they can beat us, unless you could bullfighting as a sport. Not a lot of great American bullfighters out there. Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson should definitely attempt to master it in their newfound free time.

USA wins Gold Cup final [Soccerway]

Ronaldinho, Lionel Messi, Deco, Samuel Eto'o ... and Thierry Henry. I know who I'm playing with on FIFA 2008. It's not just that they're all good, but they all play so ... pretty. For the sake of my own television viewing ability, is there any way we can get them into the Premiership?

In other soccer action this weekend, the United States men's national team takes on Mexico tomorrow. On the line are the 2007 Gold Cup, an invitation to the 2009 Confederations Cup, and, I believe, Texas. It's an intense rivalry, the US vs. Mexico ... we sort of don't like them, and they hate us like we raped their sister.

For a seriously in-depth preview, visit That's On Point. They like our chances.

Au revoire, TH14 [That's On Point]
Goodbye Thierry, now let's move on. [Arseblog]
Tri, Tri again [That's On Point]

So one of my non-soccer weenie friends called last night to give me what he thought was a surefire Deadspin scoop: The next coach of the U.S. national soccer team will be Bill Bradley.

Ignoring for a moment that it's Bob Bradley, not Bill Bradley, who got the job, this was hardly news — my friend Paul Gardner broke the story ten days ago — let alone the kind of news that was worth pausing the final episode of "Gilmore Girls." Yes, Bob Bradley finally gets to white out the "interim" on his business card and lead the U.S. to greater heights of mediocrity. That should certainly make the Italys of the world crap their pantaloni.

Whatever happened to the "statement" U.S. soccer wanted to make with their new coach? Bruce Arena's eight-year reign had taken the U.S. to the brink of respectability, only to see us tumble from the elite ranks — remember those heady pre-World Cup days when we were No. 5 in the world? — with our sorry-ass performance in Germany. Would it not then have made sense for U.S. Soccer to attempt to restore our international cred and find a successor to Arena whose passport was stamped by something other than MLS cities? Of course.

So for five months, U.S. Soccer gave thousands of American fans serious wood by playing footsie with soccer's savior du jour Jurgen Klinsmann, but in the end they couldn't bury the bratwurst. Then they cast come-hither glances in the direction of former Argentine national coach Jose Pekerman, Manchester United assistant coach Carlos Queiroz, Olympique Lyon coach Gerard Houllier, former Dutch coach Gus Huuddink ... I think my doorman Jose even got a call. Frankly, given the way my HarperCollins team has dominated the Media Soccer League in recent years, I was a little hurt that I didn't get more consideration.

This is not meant to denigrate Bob Bradley, a good guy and a proven winner wherever he's been (except the godawful Metrostars). Certainly, Bradley knows the U.S. talent pool a lot better than any of those big name foreigners, and, given his success with Chivas-USA, maybe he'll even make more than a token attempt to enlarge that pool of middle-class suburban college products and bring in the ever-burgeoning Latino talent that has been willfully ignored for so long. He'll have to do something bold if we want to once again hang with the world's best.

Let's just pray that thinking you can build a global contender around Landycakes is not his master plan.

By the way, we have a hard time paying money to "support" something that has the Nike logo on it. We have nothing against Nike, but once Nike's got its swoosh all over something, how much "support" does that something really need?

Remember, though: We did tie Italy, and they're in the Finals. We can say that, anyway. Not worth wearing a wristband for, but it's something.

One Game Changes Everything [Copyranter]

• The two biggest divers? Italy and Mexico. Italy also fakes the most injuries.
• Most "temper tantrums?" The French!
• The nation's players who sing the national anthem the least? Serbia and Montenegro, which makes sense, considering the country kinda doesn't exist anymore.
• The cleanest, non-flopping, non-tantruming country in the World Cup? The United States, of course. No wonder we suck!

It's so nice when stereotypes are confirmed. It makes life so much easier for the lazy.

World Cup On The Ball [Information Builders]

I'm still in shock. It's inconceivable to me that a team with so much talent, and with their World Cup lives on the line, couldn't raise their game and pull out a W. It was that simple: Win and you're in.

I'm speaking, of course, of the Czech Republic, a team that just two weeks ago I thought was destined for the semis — at worst. But I guess that's what happens when you put too much stock in a World Cup tune-up against a tiny nation like the United States.

Ah yes, the US. Apparently they played today as well, although I was busy following the Larry Brown euthanasia at the time. Is it just me, or does Bruce Arena seem like a natural to replace Isiah when the Dolans tire of him by Thanksgiving?

Thanks to Eric Wynalda — who didn't even wait for the teams to exchange jerseys before showing his firm grasp of the obvious and declaring Arena dead meat — we now know that Cousin Brucie has a bright soccer future behind him. Honestly, even Ozzie Guillen would have handled that with a little more sensitivity. Because let's face it: While Arena certainly didn't remind anyone of the second coming of Alf Ramsay (look it up), it's hard to coach players whose command of soccer's rudimentary skills is worthy of, well, the MLS. Whatever you think of the egregious penalty kick call, it is undeniable that the US were outplayed, outhustled and outthought by a Ghana team that clearly had something to prove.

Show of hands. Other than Freddy Adu's mom, who took Ghana in their office pool? If you were Brazil, wouldn't you rather face the mercurial Italians than a team that even stripped of its best player — Michael Essian picked up a second yellow and will have to sit out — has that giant killer glint in their eyes? The World Cup now has its Gonzaga, and, come to think of it, Ghana and Gonzaga even sound a little alike, if you insert the word "zaga" into everything you say.

As for me, I won't be joining the cast of "CSI Germany" in their autopsy of the American team, because I'm too busy booking my aisle seat on the Ghana bandwagon. At least until they get their asses kicked by Brazil.

David Hirshey will return on Tuesday.

Yeah! Soccer! Reading through the comments from the United States-Ghana live blog — the United States lost, by the way, if you didn't hear — pretty much prepared us for the postgame comments of ESPN analyst Eric Wynalda (whom we've actually enjoyed thus far): "Bruce Arena screwed up this World Cup for the U.S. team. He should be fired."

So, yeah. That'll sum that up. Hey ... there's some baseball this afternoon.

Ghana 2, United States 1 [Deadspin]

But yeah: It's the United States vs. Ghana. We think it would be funny if the winner of this game gets the right to have Freddy Adu on their team from now on.

Your live-blogger today is Adam Baruchowitz, of Heeb Magazine. He's got the marquee role today, and he's up for it: He was in attendance for both of the U.S. games in Germany. Follow along in the comments, and, you know ... U-S-A!

(UPDATE: Hey, the US lost. Did you see that?)

—————————————————————————-

While I have a public forum i would like to give a bit of a wrap up of the state of US Soccer. This world cup appeared to be over 5 minutes into the first game when Jan Koller nailed home a header against us. The US appeared to be overmatched both on the field and on the coaching side. All the US has to take home from the world cup is a gutsy match against Italy. Arena didn't react to any of the needs of his squad and failed to instill an urgency and confidence that is necessary on the international scale. Not to mention how the US could have had the Mexican draw if Arena played the qualifying matches differently. He is gone in my mind. It is obvious that the US lacks star power. They didn't have anyone who stepped up. Donovan is clearly not the answer. He was dominated in so many ways. Maybe the expectations were too high coming after a remarkable showing in 2002 but the US growth seems stunted. If there is one thing i think we could work on its our theatrics. For a country that prides itself on the entertainment industry you would think our players could take advantage of the poor refereeing the way the other countries had. Maybe it's because we pride ourselves on toughness as well, and don't want to look like pussy cats. The US is out and i feel now i feel bad for the ESPN executives. How will they keep the general population interested? i'll be watching!

[LOST SOME WORDS HERE BECAUSE OF THE BAD BAD GAWKER MEDIA SYSTEM]

Tachie mensah in for Draman

78' Most of the game is being played in the midfield with a lot of back and forth. Not much real action to speak of.

Time is becoming a factor. 15 minutes left.

Convey in for Lewis

72' Appiah gets an opportunity but his shot is blocked by conrad

68' The pressure is on...the invisible man Donovan was offsides.

67' Onyewu heads a corner just over the crossbar. He was wide open.

65' Mcbride hits the post on a great near side cross by Lewis. US is stepping up the offense. I am hearing chants of Oy Vey, Oy Vey, Oy Vey from my neighbors

62' It is a back and forth game right now with no one dominating the ball. The US needs to step up the pressure

Eddie Johnson comes on for Cherundolo—-FINALLY!!!!

59' Olsen gets tripped up in the midfield

Eric Addo comes in for Amoah. Ghana goes on the defensive.

57' Nice long ball from Onyewu to Dempsey but his cross is intercepted by the keeper.

56' Appiah takes a free kick from 40 yards out and sends it wide left of the net.

54' Ghana counters with numbers and Amoah rips one on net. Beautiful save by Keller!

52' US gets a free kick from the left side, cleared for a corner.

49' Arena still apears content with his squad out there. but players are warming up.

47' Essien laying on the ground but no foul called.

Ghana substitutes Addo in for Boateng

The referee's have been way too involved in this world cup. I have said it before both teams seem to be taking the sit back and wait approach to this game. Let the other team come to them and counter. Besides the goals there hasn't been a whole lot of action. Beasley showed the spark needed from him and Dempsey nailed one home but US opportunities have been few and far between. US will have to find a way to put more pressure on the Ghana defense who have not been impressive. I imagine Coach Arena will finally toss away his defensive minded game plan and put in Eddie Johnson and maybe John O' Brien. The US is getting help from the Italian squad now we will see what they are made of in the second half. For the US, this will be one more instance of the Nuremburg trials..

HALFTIME

Extra Time' Goal Ghana...Appiah tucks the penalty kick away upper left side...There goes my breath again.

45' In extra time the referee awards Ghana a penalty Kick off a BS call on Onyewu. Unbelievable!

43' GOOOOOOOOOOOAL USA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beasley steals the ball from Boateng who gives back the gift that Reyna gave to Ghana. Beasley sends a perfect cross to Dempsey who buries it in the back!! I feel like i can breathe again.

41' Free kick by Appiah but nothing comes from it.

40' Olsen substitutes for Reyna who is obviously hurt. This might be the last match for the long time captain. If it is, Thanks for the memories Claudio!

38' Slow roller across the box from Lewis but no one is there.

38' This has been a game of sitting back and counter, Ghana has been more successful so far.

35' Cherundolo picks up a foul on the right wing. Free kick from outside the box. Hit out of bounds by the goalie.

34' McBride passes it over the top to Donovan who shoots it over the net

31' US playing very sloppy on defense but Ghana doesn't want to take advantage. US doesn't seem to realize the importance of a win. They have still not shown any creativity on offense. Seem to have reverted back to quality of play in the first game against Czech.

28' Reyna back in and gives the ball away again to Pimpong who shoots it wide.

Sidebar—-Italy scores to take the l;ead against Czech.

25' bringing out the stretcher for the Ghana goalie who collides with Bocanegra.

22' GOAL Ghana! Draman picks Reyna's pocket who stupidly tried to dribble out of the back. Draman puts one in the side netting on the breakaway....Reyna down, knee looks hurt but ego probably hurts a lot more.

21' ESPN shows people in Columbus going nuts...that is once they realize the camera is on them

20' Corner for Ghana off a cross by Appiah

19' Donovan called for a very close offsides

Back to the Game

BREAKING NEWS—Knicks fire Larry Brown—-What a shocker! 50 million not bad for one year!

16' Dempsey gets a soft header on net off a corner.

15' Lewis has some blood streaming from his eye....man, are we showing our true blood or what!

14' No dangerous attacks yet for the US but they have made the goalie touch the ball a couple of times at least.

12' US is playing our patented kick and run, hoping to catch the lakadaisical Ghana defense off guard. it worked in 2002.

10' Ghana shows its speed and counters but Pimpong is called for offsides

9' Essien shoots wide off a free kick entry pass

7' Lewis gets a yellow card for an intentional hand ball..these refs are card happy!

6' US is controlling the ball while Ghana appears very tentative

4' Yellow card on Essien for taking out Reyna..he's gonna have to sit out the next match if they advance..

2' Cherundolo crosses to Dempsey but nothing comes of it.

1' Lewis dumps a cross in on net

In a moment of despair after the embarrassing Czech loss, I waved my 6th row ticket to this game in the air basically giving it away. To the lucky fan who grabbed it i want to say enjoy the game, and beware of the puking Kennedy boys sitting beside you. I was also able to catch the England-Trinidad game in Nuremburg and i am sure the the American contingent will be in full force rocking the tiny stadium, making this feel like a home game. After reading comments from the Ghana side, they seem to be brimming with confidence to the point of cockiness, looking forward to a match against Brazil in the next round. Yes, that is the reward for advancing to the next round, a chance to get your samba on.

Both coaches have their hands full replacing players who are suspended due to red cards and yellow card accumulation.Ghana will be without it's two goal scorers in the Czech game while USA have lost two of their central defenders. It will be interesting to see how Coach Arena sets his lineup, but one thing's for certain he won't be doing it with a smile. So far in this tournament the USA have been Jekyll and Hyde. (To the tune of Slim Shady) Will the real USA please stand up, please stand up.

USA Lineup:

Keller, Onyewu, Cherundolo, Bocanegra, Conrad, Beasley, Reyna, Lewis, Donovan, Dempsey, McBride

Arena opts for speed in the midfield, basically playing the 4-5-1, hoping to keep Ghana from scoring while taking advantage of the counter-attack

Ghana Lineup:

Kingston, Dramani, Koffour, Mensah, Paintsil, Appiah, Essien, Mohammed, Amoah, Boateng, Pimpong

Dujkovic chooses to keep the pressure on by inserting speedy forwards.

wow, that was a real touching commercial by Gatorade in the pregame, almost made you feel like they are beginning to believe soccer is a real sport with drama and everything.

To get yourself appropriately stimulated, we suggest:

• Checking out the gang at That's On Point, which has attended both US games so far and is gearing up for this one.
• Read this excellent breakdown of Ghana by Grant Wahl, who always has a fun time when he writes about soccer.
• Drink heavily. We know our town has plenty of places to booze up when most people are showing up for work. We're sure your neck of the woods does as well.

If you happen to be stuck at work tomorrow, we'll be here, live-blogging obviously. (Our live blogger is Adam Baruchowitz, who saw the first two U.S. games in person.) We have a hard time simmering to a boil of hatred for Ghana and love for Italy ... but we'll give a shot tomorrow anyway.

Scouting Report: Ghana [SI.com]

Larrionda was also suspended back in 2002 by the Uruguayan Football Association for unspecified "irregularities." No one seems to know exactly what they were, but changing the way he officiated from one minute to another, and giving out red cards at hugely inappropriate times seem like pretty good guesses. I guess four years is long enough for his credibility to be restored.

Also, I got an e-mail this morning from Deadspin reader Kristopher, who was in Kaiserslautern today, pointing out this little tidbit about Larrionda:

I heard a rumor on BigSoccer.com that our referee for the evening will be Jorge Larrionda from Uruguay. The good news: we share a birthday. The bad news: under "general interests" he lists only "breeding animals." When not working one of the most stressful, thankless jobs in the world, Larrionda relaxes by watching animals have sex. Just thought you should know.

Well, if Marcelo Balboa has his way, he'll have plenty of time for that. Balboa, admirably taking a stand, said that Larrionda should not be permitted to call another game in this tournament. Personally, I hope they send him home and he gets caught between a couple of sexually aggressive water buffaloes.

And by the way, Deadspin commenters: You've been fantastic. Thanks for holding it down.

Jorge Larrionda [Wikipedia]
World Cup 2002 Officials [Soccerphile]
US battle to draw [ONE sport]
LARRIONDA Jorge [FIFAWorldCup.com]
I Suspect Mafia Involvement [Deadspin]

Bruce Arena's pregame speech should pretty much write itself. Opportunity of a lifetime, sitting right there for you, it's your time, all that stuff. The script just couldn't be written better. Given the history of our nation, it doesn't seem right that any West African nation should be doing the United States any favors, but they have, and the US has to take advantage. An inspiring Ghanaian performance. Love those boys.

Safe to say that I've never been as excited for a soccer game as I am for this one. Not even Marcelo Balboa can dampen it. Word is that Deuce Dempsey will be in the starting line-up (but not Eddie Johnson). Feel free to use the comments here for game discussion, and/or culturally insensitive Italian jokes.

Preview: Italy vs. USA [World Cup Blog]
Words that Have Been Used to Describe Balls That Made Me Giggle [I Dislike Your Favorite Team]

It's like us in the World Cup. We're here for a war. We came here to battle, we came here to represent our country. ... Whenever you put your jersey on and you look at your crest and the national anthem's going on, and you're playing against a different country, it's like you do or die, it's survival of the (fittest) over 90-minutes plus. We're going to go out there and do whatever we've got to do, make tackles, do the things when the referee's not looking. ... to get three points.

Why are we thinking about General Custer right now?

One reason to cut Johnson some slack on this: he's only 22. He probably doesn't know that when the enemy's mad at you over in Iraq, they're not handing out red cards.

World Cup Like War, Johnson Says [MSNBC]

So this is what we waited four years to see: Bruce Arena, sitting on the US bench, his face pinched, his arms folded tightly across his chest, looking like an excellent candidate for a hemorrhoidectomy. Was he thinking about the "Give 'em hell" pep talk he had received only an hour before from President George W. Bush, one that sounded eerily familiar to the message our Cheerleader-in-Chief had given American troops before we invaded Iraq? Or was he perhaps wondering how it is possible for his four college-educated defenders to be unable to find a bald six-foot-eight Czech lurking five feet in front of their goal? Could it be that in his pre-game tactical discussion, he had told his players, "Listen fellas, just because this guy Koller has scored 42 international goals with his head off free kicks or corner kicks doesn't mean you should pay him any special attention in the box?"

So this is what we waited four years to see: Landon Donovan, the US player most likely to end up on a Wheaties box, reminding us why he washed out not once but twice in Germany as a club player. He played like scheiss. For the Americans to have any chance against the Czechs, Donovan was going to have to break down their rearguard with his speed and sorcery. He was going to have to run at defenders and turn them inside out, just as he does every week in Major League Soccer. So how to explain that, with the exception of one corkscrewing run in the first half, Donovan didn't TRY to beat anyone, 1-v-1, until the game was hopelessly lost? Could it be that scything through the back four of, say, Real Salt Lake, is not the best barometer of a player's ability to perform against the world's elite teams? Oh I forgot, the US is an elite team, according to the geniuses at FIFA (which ranked the Americans fifth).

So this is what we waited four years to see: DeMarcus Beasley, whom the otherwise astute New York Times columnist George Vescey proclaimed to be "America's best all-field player" on the eve of the match, getting schooled time and again on the right side of midfield, where he looked about as comfortable as Ann Coulter at a seder table full of liberals. Where was the vaunted "swagger" he spoke of in SI recently, not to mention the electric pace and defense-shredding moves that caused Dutch juggernaut PSV to fork over millions to MLS for his rights two years ago? Having been the first American to appear in a Champions League semifinal, surely he couldn't have been awed by the occasion. And once it was obvious that he was overmatched against the likes of Nedved and Rosicky (please save some of your goal-scoring mojo for Arsenal next season, Tomas), why did Arena not only stick with him, but move him to yet another position (right back) where he appeared even more lost? Is he really that versatile, or are we so Nicole Richie-thin in defense that Arena gambled Beasley would play himself out of his timid funk?

So this is what we waited four years to see: the US, proud quarterfinalists in 2002, taking a big dump on the manicured field in Gelsenkirchen in front of a couple of billion people who had to be giddy with relief that the Americans are still years — or perhaps decades — away from being a global threat. At least in soccer.

(More roundup after the jump.)

Italy v. Ghana

If you wanted a sneak preview of whom the Americans will lose to next and next, this was the match to watch. Ghana may have lost, but at least they took the occasional shot on goal, which, as any serious student of the game can tell you, is one of the best ways to score. Being a hottie like Luca Toni is another. Even without Ghanian-born wonderboy Freddie Adu, Ghana looked like it could be a spoiler in the group. They even have their own version of Jan Koller in Chelsea hard man Michael Essian, albeit 10 inches shorter but no less intimidating.

Italy, meanwhile, showed that, despite the swirling match-fixing scandal and some hobbling stars, they now have an attack to go along with their lockdown defense. They still cry like little regazzas when anyone tackles their flowing locks, which is why Bruce Arena will no doubt be running drills the next few days on how to get inside your opponents' hair.

David Hirshey will write regularly during the World Cup.

Anyway, we had the same reaction watching that brutal United States 3-0 loss to the Czech Republic a couple of hours ago. That game definitely needed the "Bad Day" song ... or at least gruesome, gross videos of an assassinated leader. With the worst loss of the World Cup so far, it will be telling to see if the air has already been let out of the brief, "Hey, we care about soccer in the U.S.!" balloon. Will everyone still watch Saturday now? What if they lose? Will the ratings of the Ghana game beat the Stanley Cup Finals?

We're sure David Hirshey will have plenty to say about this tomorrow, but we, infinitely dumber about soccer, must merely say: When's the NBA Draft again?

Introducing Your World Cup Closer [Deadspin]
Live Blog: United States-Czech Republic [Deadspin]

The matchup: The United States vs. The Czech Republic. Some folks believe the Czechs are the best team in this Group, and others think it's Italy. Hardly anyone thinks it's the U.S. though.

But a win here, or even a draw, would be a mouth-watering good start. Your live-blogger today is Brandon Hollihan. If you have any comments for him, feel free to email him, and he'll be right there with you. And enjoy! U-S- ... uh, what's the last letter again?

————————————————————————————————
FULL TIME: That's it, and what a debacle that was. At least we see Oguchi taking his shirt off, revelling in his physique and threatening to beat people up afterwards. (Actually, would you want to exchange shirts with someone who played so poorly? Who'd he give his to, Nedved? I hope not.)

ESPN2's booth leaves us with postmatch comments, and Lalas and Wynalda are PISSED. As soon as Julie (hey, I leanred her name, Julie Foudy!) opens her mouth, Jason says, "Who is she? And why isn't she in a kitchen somewhere???"

Truer words have never been spoken. I'm CliffX, thanks for reading, and go Cubs.

90' Two minutes added time, which doesn't matter. Bruckner is an evil genius, man; it showed in the way he prepared for the US trying to cross in the ball all those times in the first half, he denied them everywhere. Balboa agrees with my sentiments on Onyewu's tough outing. Shame, really.

85' Moment of the match happens in the booth, when Balboa pleads to the audience that there's still two matches left, and the US only needs to regroup and they'll be fine. As he says this, a box in the upper right corner reads, "Next match versus Italy, Saturday at 2:30 ET." Runner-up for moment of the match goes to a blond-haired Czech guy sporting a mullet AND the last name Polak. Rosicky is substituted and gets an ovation for his work, as he well should. He's the man of the match.

81' Anyhoo Josh Wolff is now in there for the US. Yellow card goes to Galasek for tackling Johnson. Johnson then fires a nice shot that goes a bit too high. This is tough to watch.

74' Cech actually moves! Donovan crosses one in to Jonhson, just missing the striker as Cech smothers the ball....

Okay, I'm done blogging.

Yeah, so Nedved just slotted the ball to Rosicky, who had beaten off a napping Onyewu to easily slide the ball past Keller. 3-0 Czechs. That's kind of equivalent to 30-0 in an NFL game. And now the Czech fans are going NUTS, while Sam's Army looks for an exit ramp.

70' CROSS-BARR. Thomas Rosicky—with no pressure whatsoever, notes Balboa—fires another great shot toward goal that hits the crossbar and bounces into touch. It's worth noting by now that he's headed to Arsenal next season, and he's playing like a million quid today. Eddie Johnson gets in a couple shots on the other side, but we STILL have yet to force Cech into a save.

68' www.myspace.com/cliffx Hey, it's more entertaining than this.

64' Keller makes at least one save, but otherwise, the US attack looks even worse. I really can't believe that. Soccer's a game of two halves (and that amazing 2005 CL final proves that), but Bruckner's tactics have competely shut our guys out.

61' CliffX is back. Sorry! Should've gone to Burger King instead. I get back in time to see Reyna get a silly yellow card. Czech player Luckvic gets a card too.

52' Now it's Nedved's turn to take a dive. Unlike Koller, the Danube's Dawson actually got up.

50' Czechs attacking the goal (again) and with more fervor. If they got lucky in the first half with Convey's dinger, we just got lucky with their near goal.

49' Koller is officially out of uniform and at least walking around. It's imperative he attempt to look hurt, or else he might get suspended for being such a wuss.

Opening of second half: Onyewu fouls early, and good for him.

Hey everyone, this is Jason. CliffX is getting me a sandwich and relinquished control of the keyboard. It better be a good sandwich too.

I'm not a futsoccerbol fan by any means, but I will say that ESPN is doing their damndest to make this sport as unappealing as possible. Dave O'Brien is tantamount to the third plague of Moses when it comes to sports commentating. I don't remember if that was the locusts, the ferrets, or the ebola plague, but every time the Davester makes an inane comment about the number of runs the Americans are behind, or how many downs they have left, I wish I had been the firstborn in my family so that Yahweh could strike me down in the final plague. That'll learn ESPN.

This game, however, has been exciting if not completely frustrating. It's always nice to see smaller countries do well against larger nations, although if we want a pissing contest with the Czechs we can always bring them over here for some "how's the economy going" action. Ours might be going in the crapper now, but at least there's no breadlines.

On a serious note, the breaking news is that Ben Roethlisberger has been hurt in a motor vehicle accident. They say the injuries are not life threatening, which is good, but he's a local boy for me. Even though I'm a Bengals fan, I still have love in my heart for Big Ben. I hope he gets better.

In terms of stats, the United States are winning the possession game, but with no production. The last stat I saw was a 64% to 36% difference in time of possession, but it's hard to swallow since the Czechs are completely dominating our defense. Koller's loss to injury are big, but our defense needs to step it up like whoa. Hell, another striker would be even better, because a good offense and a good defense is better than a bad offense and a bad defense (there's my Maddenism).

The Czechs are also winning the mullet game, with 2 mullets to America's none. All the mullets in the crowd I credit to the Czechs as well. Should America step this up? I vote yea.

HALF-TIME: Well, I'm gonna go get a sandwich, and let Jason commentate, in the meantime, enjoy this video: http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=15862

45' There's one minute of stoppage time, which is enough for Onyewu to make a long throw directly to Cech (not a good start for Onyewu today), and the whistle blows. Ugly first half for the Americans. They need a second striker.

43' O'Brien notes how Peter Cech speaks five languages. "Dialects are not languages," retorts Jason.

42'Koller makes a dive in the box. For the second time today. Oh, wait, actually he's hurt, as they bring out the stretcher for him. Well then, if the Czechs have a problem, they're now down TWO strikers. I say just put in Vladimir Smicer, if only because he somehow scored in the 2005 Champs' League Final. Most unlikely goal EVER.

40' Guys, that might be it. These Czechs are for real, and Nedved's efforts are inspiring all the midfielders. Coach Karel Bruckner, Anton's long-lost descendent, is also getting a lot of praise from Balboa.

37' TESTICLES AND VAGINAS. Midfielder Tomas Rosicky, who Jason says looks like "Jake Gyllenhall, only gayer", cracks an awesome strike from about the same range as Reyna, only this one's on target and Keller is helpless to stop it. Shoot.

35' The US get the right idea, waiting for players to get inside the box and cross it to them. Unfortunately, Peter Cech hasn't even been tested yet, and that could be forboding in the second half. He's one of the worlds' best.

32' I get the feeling the Dave O'Brien is reading off Wikipedia when describing the life stories of some of these soccer players. Nedved assumes good control and wins a corner, but that's thwarted. US are starting to look more in this thing.

28' THE POSTMAN!!! I get flashbacks of Kevin Costner's worst movie ever, as Reyna smashes a great shot from about twenty yards, but the ball hits the post. Man.

26' Anyways, raise your hand is you think the US' FIFA ranking is a bit too high. That's funny, Gasface didn't raise his hand.

24' TOO CLOSE. Nedved batters Cherundolo (I think) on the right side, crosses in to Grygera who heads the ball, just right of the goal. Too close right there.

20' What I can tell you about the Czech formation is that they've got 6'8" striker Jan Koller up front by himself, and he's creating enough problems for the defense. It was supposed to be perhaps him and Aston Villa striker Milan Baros, but the latter is hurt and won't make an appearance today. Funny, I thought that'd be a good thing...US tries to find something in the middle.

17' Good run by Donovan as he takes the ball towards the front and forces Rozehnal to knock him down. Roz gets a yellow card for that. They waste the following free kick though, sending it to Beasley on the wing instead into the box, and he loses possesion.

15' Onyewu tries a long ball to McBride but that doesn't work. They'll need more people forward if they want to try that.

11' Sorry, had some techincal problems there. Jan Koller scored on a header from a cross on the right side; no one on the US had that side coverd, and it's 1-0 Czechs. The US get a few crosses on the other side, but the Czechs are now starting to browbeat them already. That's a scary sign for a team playing five midfielders.

6' Dammit.

1' Screw it, I was going to write the starting lineup for the Czechs but the names are wayyyy too difficult to write that quickly. The big names are the goalkepper Peter Cech, midfield Pavel Nedved, and striker Jan Koller. Both sides exchange freekick but then Onyewu beats up the cheater Nedved and gets a yellow card for it. By the way, Onyewu's the Brock Lesnar of soccer, 6'5" and 215 pounds and ready to become a huge star in this Cup.

0' We're off! US win possesion to start. Balboa notes the contrast between Euro US players and MLS players. That could be the biggest disadvantage for them, as the Czech players come from the biggest leagues in Germany, Russia, France, and England. Early free kick for the Czechs doesn't go anywhere.

0' Typical American television coverage; they show our anthem but not the Czech's, which is awesome and talks about bombs and destruction and shit.

0' If you want to start complaining about announcers, do it now and get it out of the way, as we have O'Brien and Balboa are in the booth. Jason spots one mullet on the Czech squad well beating the over/under at 3. The players step out to huge applause at the beautfiul AufSchalke Arena in Gelsenkirchen. Will to me on AIM: "They all brought kids! Awwwww!"

Hey y'all, it's CliffX and I welcome you to Deadspin's commentary of the United States versus the Czech Republic in Group E of the World Cup. Today's commentary is brought to you by 'Snakes on a Plane.' I've had it with these motha-f*ckin' snakes on this motha-f*ckin' plane.

My boy Jason has joined me to watch the game and play House to my Bill Simmons. Together, we did this video:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IJMyLm6jEPc&search=lazy%20winthrop
Will refuses to acknowledge its existence, I'm telling you.

The ESPN2 booth people are doing, well, just ok. I like Wynalda and Lalas, but the chick on the right...ouch. She's like a prettier version of John Kruk. C'est la vie. Oh yeah, some correspondent just made a really stupid crack about blood plasma or something. Let's get rolling with the US lineup, in a 4-5-1 formation:

G Keller

D Lewis Onyewu Pope Cherundolo

M Convey Mastroeni Donovan Reyna Beasley

F McBride

Expect Donovan to push up a lot, obviously.

Not only did I enjoy the video, but there's no way I'd even consider treading on him. I don't know what to say. I'm experiencing some major cognitive dissonance.

And on a sad note, the guy who spits the second verse, Big Hawk, is no longer with us. He was shot and killed back in early May.

Rapper Big Hawk Killed [HipHopDX.com]
Clint Dempsey aka Deuce [clintdempsey.com]

• 1. Japan. Starting forward Naohiro Takahara, known in Germany as "The Sushi Bomber," just transferred from Hamburg to Frankfurt in the German Bundesliga. He also used to play for Boca Juniors in Argentina. Apparently, he will only play for clubs that are also food names. — (thanks to Kohei Yamamoto).

• 2. International. Finally; we've been waiting for a Web site dedicated to the wives/significant others of international footballers. We wouldn't open this one at work, by the way.

• 3. The United States. Landon Donovan is not only one of the youngest World Cup players, but is also one of the most stylish in his cotton Jacquard shirt, $480, and silk-wool pants, $645, by Tom Ford for Yves Saint Laurent Rive Gauche.

• 4. Italy. The Italians might have had the weakest excuse ever used in soccer, and there have been plenty. At Euro 2004 played in Portugal, in June with tempertures of 33 degrees Celsuis, the Azzuri drew Denmark 0-0. Many Italians attributed the draw to the field being too warm. — (thanks to Mike Cardillo).