As you may have heard, after a 12-game preseason the Gators' first actual football contest takes place this Saturday against Alabama. Winner gets the BCS Championship Game. So obviously Dunlap's timing is impeccable. And now his coach has an interesting decision to make. Will Urban Meyer suspend his team's leading sack maker before the biggest the game of the season? Thanks to the Brandon Spikes incident—where Meyer was lambasted for his one half suspension—he might not have a choice. Or will the importance of this game allow him to make up some sort of excuse about "waiting for the legal process to sort things out" and keep Dunlap active, thereby not punishing him at all?

What if he does suspended Dunlap? Will it matter? Would an Alabama victory (if they can even still get one) be cheapened? Something tells me Tide fans wouldn't be broken up about it. Either way, we're going to learn a little something about the Florida coach this week, although perhaps the fact that no one is totally sure which way he'll go tells us something already.

Also, falling asleep at a traffic light? That shows a real commitment to drunk driving. That's the kind of stuff that makes NFL scouts sit up and take notice.

Dunlap's Arrest Puts Spotlight on Florida [New York Times]
Gators' star defensive end charged with DUI [Journal Constitution]
Dunlap's arrest inexplicable [ESPN]

It won't be a college football magazine preview this fall without a profile of God's favorite warrior and this one does not disappoint. Talk about his parents Filipino orphanage? Check. Circumcision stories? Check? Home schooling? His mega-church? Check, Check. The disrespect from NFL scouts? Got it. Angry, defensive quotes from Urban Meyer? You betcha. Harlequin romance-level descriptions of Tebow's Adonis-like physique. Boy howdy....

Tebow is six feet three and 245 pounds, all thick polygons and smooth flat planes and inescapable corn-fed handsomeness. He's wearing a billowy white shirt and loose-fitting jeans that somehow only underscore the solidity of his bulk, like a tarpaulin draped over a concrete pylon. You can see why coaches have always wanted to deploy his body as a battering ram. ...

He looks smaller in person than on TV or on a stage. Something to do with the geometry of his body, the relentless blockiness; distance turns Tebow into a cartoon. Close-up he's rounder, reassuringly 3-D, wearing a sea blue T-shirt and long ivory shorts. He grabs a hard-boiled egg from a bowl at the dining commons. With exquisite casualness, he tosses it back and forth from hand to hand without cracking the shell. ...

Tim Tebow moves; glides? drifts?-back to his seat, his plate heaped with three sausage patties, a syrup-drenched waffle, and five hard-boiled eggs. "Can I get you anything to drink?" he asks, and pours me a glass of orange juice. ...

His chin is stubbly. He smells strongly of deodorant, and his thick-lashed eyes are impressively serene, considering that a mere forty-five minutes ago, back in the Florida weight room, Tebow was grunting next to a painted slogan that read PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY, doing calf raises with a 300-pound offensive lineman sitting on his shoulders. (In the weight room, Tebow wore a blue spandex shirt with an orange flame crawling up the sleeve; everyone else was in gray.)

The author, Jason Fagone, doesn't really get anything new out of Tebow, but then there's nothing new to get. (Although Tebow did bus Jason's dishes for him. Seriously.) The man is an open book. Did you know he was almost aborted? It was recommended by doctors because of complications during pregnancy, but his mother refused. I think that would leave a mark on a kid, but I don't know if that totally explains his insane competitiveness. The point is that he's not hiding anything and his Jesus Freak persona is not an act.

That's what makes him such an attractive interview subject. Reporters who talk to him realize he's not trying to pull one over on them—unlike every other athlete and coach they meet. So they love him, they love to write about him, and the missionary has his mission accomplished. The Word is out.

And if his naked pecs help accomplish that, then everyone wins, right?

DOES GOD HAVE A TIM TEBOW COMPLEX? [GQ]

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday (except today, because we actually have off tomorrow for the 4th of July — more on that later.) until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Urban's A Happy Drunk

"Urban getting his wine on"

Tyler Hansbrough Is Very Photogenic

This was taken just hours after he was drafted. thought you would enjoy. Wasted? or caugth off guard. you be the judge.

This was taken just hours after he was drafted. thought you would enjoy. Wasted? or caugth off guard. you be the judge.

Angry Joe Devanna Returns!

I'll Alert The Video Editor Immediately

Sir, If You Let Me Know Who You Are, I'd Gladly Take It Down

Please Tell Me You Remember This Guy

lubert if you readin this here is esactly what happens. we was playin horshoe for like hour and i musta throw it like a thousand time. EVER time i throw it never make it even close to that pole. some time it only go like half way there AT TEH MOST. so there was little boy there and he start laughin at me and pointin and say "(laughs) hey look, stups cant even reach that pole."
so that make me real mad and probly very sad. so next time it is my turn i decide that i gonna throw it as hard as you can. so i close my eyes and put my arm all the wya back and (grunts) I throw my arm forward as hard as i ever can in my life. now here is where it is a problem, them horsoe is HEAVY. and teh weight of it just carry my arm real fast and miss teh part whyen you supposeda let go.

to be honets it didn't real help that my eyes was closed. anyways, finally i let it go and i open my eyes to see where that thing is gonna land. i was even even hopin for one one of them rigners. I was just hopin to get in even CLOSED to where that pole is. I feel like i waitin forever to see where that horshoe land. I dont see it all.

I still didn't know that it was from me, I thought maybe someone just chucks at her. Finally qwerts come over and say (real soft in teh ear) "hey stusa, you do this. you hang onto it too long at it fly over you head and hit tonky in back." I was devistating. i never, never, ever, NREVER would do that. it seem like just yesterday we was laughin about that video with that chimanzee.

and now i feel like we is never gonna laugh about that stuff agian. i am heartbroke and i am cryin most times. yesterday i cry even during gilligans and jimmy c come over and start doin he benji impressions just to cheer me up. i hope you will see this and you will knew that i dont mean it and i hope tonka is happy and healthy for teh rest of she life. (crying0

stu1ds

p and s - lubert if you readin this i so sorry that i hit you gramma with teh horshoe. i hurtin so much inside

The Sentinel's Jeremy Fowler writes:

Huntley Johnson isn't on the University of Florida's payroll. He's not on the UF football program's payroll, either. But the Gainesville-based attorney might just be the Gators' most valuable player other than Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback Tim Tebow.

Johnson is the go-to Gator for UF football players who find trouble with the law. He has handled 23 of the 24 football-related legal cases the Orlando Sentinel documented during Meyer's four years as Florida's head coach. The 24th case happened in Daytona Beach.

The arrests have Florida facing public scrutiny this summer as newspaper columnists, Internet bloggers and fans debate whether the UF football team is out of control.

(An aside about the sheer absurdity and disingenuousness of that last sentence. Go back and look at the Sentinel's "database," which breaks down Gator arrests since 2005. I count nine cases that rise above garden-variety youthful delinquency. Three of those were tossed. One involved a guy sneaking into an impound to retrieve his girlfriend's towed car, which is downright noble. Nine cases since 2005, if you're counting generously. This a team "out of control"?)

The story is a fairly standard bit of newspaper-style innuendo — surely there must be an NCAA violation somewhere under here, Fowler is saying, without really saying it. The profile makes no mention, however, of the lawsuit brought in 2000 by Johnson's secretary, Pamela Thigpen, in which she accused her boss of foul language, sexual innuendo and physical assault. Thigpen won a judgment of more than $1 million in a civil trial, and the verdict was upheld on appeal. Some of the juicy bits from the appellate court panel's opinion in 2001 (PDF):

• "For example, Johnson repeatedly told Thigpen: she just wanted to 'get down on his hog and honk it'; 'you want me to put my hog in your mouth'; '[c]ome in here and give me some head.' He also told her, at least once, to give his client a 'mercy fuck.'"

• "Johnson also dictated to Thigpen while urinating in the bathroom in his office and left a nude picture of himself for Thigpen to find in his office."

• "There was also evidence of inappropriate, unwelcomed physical contact, including repeated touching of Thigpen's breasts, running a pencil up Thigpen's thigh and an incident in which Johnson made sexually threatening remarks to Thigpen and forcibly placed her hand onto the crotch of his trousers."

The Sentinel doesn't see fit to mention any of this, which is odd considering its pained efforts at depicting Florida as some sort of football-playing House of the Rising Sun. The paper does at least hold out some hope that the program will return to the path of righteousness. And, hey, guess what? It has something to do with Tim Tebow. Jesus. Get off the dude's hog.

UF athletes have a friend in attorney Huntley Johnson [Orlando Sentinel]
Will Tim Tebow help prevent future arrests? [Orlando Sentinel]
Huntley Johnson v. Pamela Thigpen (PDF) [FindLaw]
EARLIER: A Lesson In How Not To Spin, Courtesy Of The Florida Gators

First of all, this database: It's a list of arrests, not convictions, which isn't really a fair barometer of anything. (Seven of those 24 cases were dropped. Yes, Andrea Adelson, that actually matters.) Florida rightly took offense and decided to offer some context to the Sentinel's Jeremy Fowler. Way too much context.

On his blog, Fowler writes:

Not trying to harp on this arrest issue too much, but considering we've documented Florida's legal troubles, it's only fair to provide a couple of facts for background. Most of these facts were provided by the University of Florida.

● Only three arrests from the last three recruiting classes (including 2009)
● At least 14 of the charges were dropped in the 24 cases
● 14 of the 24 player arrests have been from players he did not
recruit or were in his first recruiting class
● The 24 arrests represents 19 different players
● Arrests by recruiting class
Six did not recruit
Eight in first class
Seven in second class
Two in third class
One in fourth class
None in fifth class

Translation: Blame those 19 guys and Ron Zook! And as College Football Talk puts it: "It's never good when you've got your media relations department breaking down your recruiting classes by arrest, and touting that the 24 arrests are only spread among 19 different players."

Isn't this sort of PR realpolitik beneath a program whose quarterback cites Philippians on his eyeblack?

Couple of facts, couple of pats on the back — and a word from Urban Meyer [Orlando Sentinel, via Dr. Saturday]

Former Gator "great" Shane Matthews now makes at least part of his living doing a radio show in Gainesville and had some slightly critical words about the Florida game plan after they lost to Ole Miss last year. Some of his vitriol included comments like, "I can't understand why we didn't take advantage of that. [man-to-man defense.]" Ouch. Settle down, buddy. But the current head of the program does not care for such traitorous dissent and made his own feelings on the matter plain at a recent booster club meeting.

"If you want to be critical of a player on our team or a coach on our team you can buy a ticket for seat 37F, you're not welcome back in the football office. You're either a Gator or you're not a Gator."

He's talking about you, Shane Matthews! What the fuck did you ever do for Florida football? Don't you realize that without that embarrassing loss to the Rebels, there's no The Promise? And without The Promise, there's no ... we'll let's not even contemplate that scenario. Just do your penance—a three-hour dinner with Emmitt Smith should suffice—and maybe they'll let you back in the pearly gates soon.

Meyer bristles at criticism of Gators [Orlando Sentinel]

Meyer was the featured speaker at the Nike Coach of the Year Clinic at the Holiday Inn in Fogelsville, Pa., on Saturday, and proceeded to deliver "an R-rated speech" in which he used the term "shit" no less than six times. His verbal manifesto included the following:

During his session with the coaches, Meyer talked a lot about families. His core values for the program are: 1. Honesty. 2. Always show women respect. 3. No drugs. 4. No stealing. 5. No weapons.

He said that if he hears of one of his players hitting a woman, even if it's in self-defense, the player is gone from the team. Period. In fact, even if he sees someone not opening a door for a lady, "I'll jump on a kid's shit. That's the way I was raised."

Remarks from speech not quoted in story: "Tim Tebow gargles with thumbtacks and can hold open doors for ladies using nothing but his mind. His body is sculpted from alabaster, and without my guidance he would most likely be a serial killer."

Florida's Urban Meyer Delivers R-Rated Speech On Football, Family [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]

The Backstory: Pahokee, Florida, wide receiver Nu'Keese Richardson gave a verbal commitment to the Gators last May and had originally planned to enroll at the university for spring semester, but didn't. Then yesterday at his signing press conference, he picked up a Gator hat ... and dropped it on the ground, replacing it with a Tennessee model. He had never shown interest in any other school until last weekend, when he made a last-gasp visit to Knoxville. I guess he changed his mind. (Ok, I can get on board with Signing Day if more stuff like this happens.)

Naturally, new Vols coach Lane Kiffin couldn't resist the opportunity to needle his SEC rival. (A second Florida recruit, Marsalis Teague, also switched his commitment to UT at the last second.) He told an assembled group of supporters yesterday that Florida coach Urban Meyer was so desperate to keep Nu'Keese in line, that he called him several times while Richardson was in Knoxville ... and yep, that's a recruiting violation.

(There will probably be technicalities regarding Meyer's knowledge of Richardson whereabouts. Kiffin begins by saying that Richardson publicly denied that he was visiting UT and they tried to keep the visit a secret, but other reports say Florida found out anyway and tried to talk him out of it before he even left. But no one gets punished for this crap anyway, and it's not really the point.)

So Kiffin starts his Tennessee career off by stealing two committed Florida recruits and then tries to sell their coach out to the NCAA. Not bad. I think his signoff is the icing on the cake, though.

"I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn't get him"

Oh ... it's on.

Kiffin: "I love the fact that Urban had to cheat and still didn't get him." [C'lay Travis]
Kiffin accuses Meyer of recruiting violation [Volunteer TV]
Richardson, Hosley flip [Sun-Sentinel]
Pahokee's Nu'Keese Richardson switches from Florida to Tennessee [Palm Beach Post]
The last word on Nu'Keese choosing Tennessee [Inside UF]

UPDATE: Florida says Kiffin is an idiot, there is no rule saying that you can't contact a player when he's on another campus, and that in fact Kiffin is the one violating SEC rules by criticizing other schools and coaches. This can only get better. [ESPN]

If you don’t care about college football, leave. This being Deadspin, I’m sure every other reader or so has a “MEH” or “kol-ledge foot-bawl?” comment preloaded and ready to go. If this is you, I implore you: go fuck yourselves with a petrified cockatiel. (Edit: A live cockatiel would do, too. It will struggle, thus giving you the full anal torsion you crave! Like mother, like commenter.)

I’m sure Busted Coverage has some “Chick you’d vault onto your pole,” or “pictures of a girl who wouldn't fuck you ever,” or something else that will keep you amused for the three minutes it will take you not to read this. Take that deathless witticism ready to spring from the mental toaster oven like a shit-filled Hot Pocket, and go have that snack by yourself, anger ninja.

Also unwelcome would be any of Clay’s shit about Florida girls having fat arms, us all wearing jorts, or “America’s Wang.” Oh, you watched the Simpsons between 1988 and 2000! How erudite you are without being effete! And the fat arms! No fat chicks! RUMSFELD, brah!!! It's awesome that every chick on the internet would fuck you, but you won't give it to them because YOU HAVE STANDARDS, BRAH!

For the assholes left in the room, one half-assed review of Florida coming up, presented by a cut-rate bizarro Dwight Schrute. Note: NOT Dan Shanoff.

STRENGTHS

Our ability to recruit bulky, hopelessly evangelical middle-class white quarterbacks. Tim Tebow was described as “a fullback at quarterback” before he threw for 3286 yards and 32 TDs last year. Now he is being touted as “the best 9-4 quarterback who ever won the Heisman” by grown men who are afraid of their pastors, namely Georgia fans. Cockatiels, petrified and live, in double doses for them all.

He’s good, you’ll hear too much about him, and ESPN will assign a stalker female reporter to shadow his every move. We’re hoping it’s Erin Andrews. I don’t read enough about her on the internet, though the guys at http://yetanothercreepyphotofErinAndrews’clearlyoutlinedlabiayesyesnodude.com are doing a fine job filling the void in this sorely needed coverage.

Our coach, who had his soul removed in a surgical procedure known as the “Parcells Excision”, feels no joy, and has sat his windowless office all offseason texting recruits, watching film in the dark, and running through hallways full of hired thugs with a hammer to unwind.

Any of these is possible, since after three years no one knows anything about Urban Meyer other than that he has no fingerprints, occasionally "revises his statements" made to recruits during the recruiting process, and that he considers Bill Belichick a friend. Given this last fact, he is either an imbecile, or a vampire, or both.

Our speedy types like Percy Harvin et al. Percy Harvin has missed four games over the past two years due to a wide array of injures including tendonitis of the knee, cancer of the eyebrow, and pellagra. He’s sure to miss time this year with even more exotic injuries, something not as devastating as it may appear with receivers Louis Murphy, Riley Cooper, TE Aaron Hernandez, and running backs Emmanuel Moody and Chris Rainey flashing “viable” in the options menu.

Rainey in particular bears notice. He used the word “dang” in an interview and all but admitted taking illegal benefits in high school. He is a self-described “white-girl man.” He also runs a 4.2ish 40 and appears in one of the three Youtube videos of college football highlights not set to Saliva’s “Click Click Boom.”

We’ll be fine on offense as long as Chris Rainey gets the vanilla quim brulee he craves, and Tim Tebow hears nothing of it.

WEAKNESSES

The secondary and the heart of the defensive line. Florida was 94th in the nation last year in pass defense with freshmen at both corners and at one safety position. The other safety, Tony Joiner, got caught in the middle of the season attempting to steal his car from a towing company’s impound lot. This constituted the most successful attempt Joiner had at a takeaway all season long.

The secondary is now a year older at the corners, but has gotten younger but more talented at safety with the addition of ballyhooed recruit Will Hill, who if he follows sophomore safety Major Wright’s example will display his eye-boggling talents by not just misreading developing plays, but by misjudging them in spectacular, occasionally disastrous fashion.

As for the defensive line, Florida is so thin up the middle that they’ve considered adopting a 3-3-5 look. The coaches also reinstated Ronnie Wilson, a former offensive lineman originally kicked out of the program in early 2007 for discharging a semiautomatic weapon in the middle of downtown Gainesville, and then moved him to defensive tackle.
If he brings the gun onto the field, we’ll be wildly successful. If not, it promises to be a merely mediocre defensive season, which would be a pleasant but marginal improvement over 2007.

The possibility of ESPN’s suffocating, all-crushing love descending on us.

ESPN’s love is herpes for the fan of any team: once acquired, it never really goes away, and though contracting it is a sign that you did something right, it also burns and flares up when one least expects it. Also, for the uninitiated, it causes pus-filled cankers to break out on your junk, or at least that’s what you’ll tell your significant other when that kind of thing happens.

I caught it from Jeremy Schaap’s Thursday’s profile piece on Tebow. I swear.

It’s a curse USC and Texas fans know well—ESPN’s slobbering, we mean, not herpes. (That’s an LSU specialty. We mean that in as complimentary a way as possible.)

INSERT RIVAL HERE, YOU SUCK

At the moment, it’s Georgia, a fan base who combines the monosyllabic brain of the Ohio State fanbase with the spicy proud dumb of your standard SEC fan. I’ve written about this before, but to restate: they have a single phrase answer to everything, and this answer does not vary one nit from Valdosta to Augusta.
Florida fans: JORTS!
LSU fans: CORN DOGS!
Anything else: GAY!

They’re the helpless, bleating seals of the SEC Animal Kingdom, and like seals should be clubbed from time to time and sold for their baseball caps with the pre-frayed bills—which they all invariably have. They also all wear red Dickies, which make you impervious to punches!

Or not!

Urban Meyer Playbook [eBay]