Skeptical? The sports sitcom — Sports Night, Coach, My Boys, Cheers, Everybody Loves Raymond Who's The Boss? — is a good-in-theory/hard-in-execution genre of TV. Sports purists might turn their nose downfield on certain details (I don't follow the NFL closely, but even I wouldn't get trade-raped with Plaxico Buress while he rakes up points in some jail league), but believe me when I say The League is one of the best new comedies out there. Relying heavily on the improv skills of its cast of comics — Nick Kroll (above, naked, with the Chargers' Antonio Gates), Paul Scheer, Mark Duplass, the Tracy Morgan-Punking Stephen Rannazzisi — critics are generally positive and quick to note the Curb Your Enthusiasm influence. (Curb's executive producer/director Jeff Schaffer created the show with his wife, a revealing detail in the execution.)

The show is at its best when the insults fly fast and furious. Paul Scheer's wardrobe ("can I ask why you're dressed like a Russian house DJ?") gets good mileage.

Kroll, who is pretty damn funny in just about everything he does, plays Ruxin, the go-to neurotic Jew whose own sartorial choices borrow more from a Connecticut WASP and has a hot Latina wife. We shot him some questions; here are his uncut results.

Cultural stereotypes are fun so let's go with one. You grew up as a Jew in Westchester County, New York (if Wikipedia didn't fail me). Can you share your early sports experiences?
The height of my athletic achievement was in 8th grade when i was the point guard for my Jewish day school basketball team. We played in a public school league and, amazingly, went undefeated. I say "amazingly" because our power forward was 5"6. After a number of our games, our opponents threw quarters at us. We took the quarters and bought sodas. It was a win win.

Describe your level of sports interest before the show. You can be honest. You're in a safe space here.
I grew up a rabid Mets/Knicks/Rangers fan. When everyone else was listening to Nirvana and NWA, I was listening to WFAN 660. My Kurt Cobain was Chris "Mad Dog" Russo and Eazy-E was Steve "The Schmoozer" Somers. I had the rare privilege of going to some of the most memorable games of the era: Mets/Red Sox Game 6 (Buckner), Giants/Bills Super Bowl (Norwood wide right), Knicks/Pacers (Reggie Miller grabbing balls at Spike Lee). In recent years, I stopped following most teams as closely and just root for the best, closest games. Fantasy football has changed how I watch football because now every game is interesting start to finish. Even when its the Browns and Lions.

As many have noted, the show has less to do with a fantasy football league and is more about the fraternal bonds of a group of guys in their 30s straddling the bachelor lifestyle and early marriage/familyhood. What do you say to people who question the sports content?
I agree that the show is really about guys in their early 30s, traversing the joys and difficulties of being a husband, a father, a brother and a friend. But I think every episode has at least a few jokes for only the serious lovers of football. I don't think too many comedy fans understood why Steve's character was wondering who the hell Pierre Garcon was... but it's in there. That said, I don't think people tuned in to Cheers to hear Sam talk at length about the kind of beers he had on tap. I'm not comparing our show to Cheers but I do think that the reason I wanted to do the show was because fantasy sports — and the way they make us interact — was a perfect platform for a show about a bunch of dudes trying to question one another's masculinity.

To what extent is the show "semi-improvised" like Curb Your Enthusiasm? Is Paul Scheer dressing himself?
The show is set up very similarly to Curb. Jeff Schaffer (who created the show with his wife Jackie) has been one of the writers and directors of Curb for the last number of years so he knows exactly how to do it. The scenes are never written in script form, they're all outlines. Often, they have lines they want us to hit but they are always encouraging us to say things however we would say them. All of us come from a comedy/writing background so its a very collaborative environment. Paul's outfits bring me such joy every episode.

Now that you live in Los Angeles, did you know there hasn't been an NFL team there in 15 years? What do you make of THAT?
I think that USC is LA's pro football team. They don't seem to really want more than that.

Have any favorite funny athletes? How about athletic comedians?
I always remember how funny I thought Roger McDowell was. He was the reliever for the Mets in late '80s (winning pitcher in game 7!). He was famous for the 'hot foot' (lighting his teamates' cleats on fire with a bunch of matches) and wearing his uniform upside down. As far as athletic comedians, my buddy Jason Sudeikis on SNL is a real good basketball player. And the amazing Brody Stevens played college baseball. He'll tell you about it if you ask him.

Lastly, what does three-penis wine taste like anyway?
Do you remember Jolt? Well, three-penis wine tastes nothing like that. It takes like snake dick.

This is Krucoff, BTW.

This series will run on MONDAYS this year. Again, consult the initial post if you'd like to help us out with this.

ONE:

The following isn't your typical FAILgate story. It doesn't involve cops, fights, trips to the drunk tank, or wang exposure to the innocent (at least that we were aware of). It's a story about a man and his hair-color-matching vest.

It was February 2006, about a dozen friends and I had descended upon the parking lots of Lambeau Field for a truly epic sporting event. Our beloved Wisconsin Badger hockey team was taking on the Ohio State Buckeyes in the first ever hockey game at Lambeau. We knew that a certain level of intoxication must be achieved to watch outdoor hockey in Green Bay that time of year, so we arrived early for the afternoon puck-drop.

The tailgating scene was fantastic, and we quickly made friends with the other reasonably sized groups of Badger fans nearby. And then an hour or two into it, we saw him. He was wandering around our area, completely shit-canned, and he was dressed in layers, topped off by a vest that remarkably was the exact same color as his hair. At the time, that aspect for some reason was hysterical to most of us. Thinking he was with one of the other groups, we asked around only to discover nobody really knew who he was. Could it be? Had destiny placed him in our midst?

Not caring enough to know his actual name, he immediately adopted the nickname Vest (did I mention his vest was the same color as his hair?). And Vest meant fucking business as he decided to impress us with his beer slamming abilities. We formed a circle around Vest, started a slow clap, and began to chant…

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

He ripped through that first PBR and triumphantly hurled the can one aisle over into a group of unsuspecting tailgaters, much to our delight. We suspect Vest might not have been drinking the entire can, as it doesn't seem there's any way one could throw an empty beer can that far. But I also didn't think a person could so perfectly match a vest to the color of his own hair.

Thinking he had done the job, Vest attempted to exit the circle. But we wanted more. The circle tightened as others gathered in, and someone tossed him another beer.

"Vest!...Vest!...Vest!..."

A group of probably 30 of us at this point were cheering on Vest as he continued to pound and hurl his somewhat empty beer cans with everything he had, miraculously not drawing the attention of cops who were patrolling the lot. This scene repeated itself for probably 5 total beers until Vest, clearly overcome by the enormity of his accomplishment, yacked all over the ground and himself.

Presumably using the motto "to be the best, you gotta beat the best," a friend of ours challenged Vest to a series of Franzia-bongs. Because if you're going to consume Franzia, it had better at least be through a beer bong. The challenge was also issued through a sumo pose of sorts…..I remember it making perfect sense at the time.

After the two successfully completed a few Franzia-bongs, Vest was gone just like that. Off to where, who knew? Well, we didn't know at the time, but now have an idea. After the weekend when I uploaded my pictures, I noticed something about Vest that a lot of us somehow had missed while we were in his presence; Vest was wearing a press pass, as you can see in the previous picture. Had we been blinded by the vest? Possibly. Either way, this leads one to believe that Vest had left our tailgate to head into the stadium with soaked clothes while reeking of PBR, Doritos, and stomach acid, and drunk off his ass to perform a job, one which he possibly had to interact with other people. Vest was clearly not about to let a job get in the way of a good tailgate, and for that he deserves the utmost respect.

The legend of Vest has lived on amongst our group of friends, as we frequently reminisce that glorious day. Roughly a year later, we heard a story about a writer for a Badger sports website who showed up at a Badger road football game to cover the game and ended up getting kicked out of the press box because he was wasted, argumentative with other reporters, and passed out during the 2nd quarter. Could this have been Vest? Who knows...maybe that's just how he rolls? Frankly I'm not sure I even want to know. I'm perfectly content remembering him as the mystery man who inspired dozens that frigid afternoon with his grit, his determination, and his exuberance. And also his vest.

TWO:

USC doesn't typically start games at seven fifteen (7:15) Pacific time. It's just disrespectful. We don't go later than five p.m. EVER. Today was an exception, so when the tailgate occurred (which typically starts at one (double parentheses 1) or two (double parentheses again, 2) and went until kickoff, I felt like the end of the first quarter was halftime. This guy, however, felt like he got hit by a Taylor Mays full of vodka. Take a gander:

There's even a finger pointing at his epic failgateness. There's a puddle of drool/alcohol spilling from his body. But this only culminated his day of alcohol consumption:

Mr. Blackout not only spent his morning/afternoon pounding hard A, but found a cozy spot next to Tommy Trojan to nap the game away. What occured right before the passout was the epic part of this tory. Fulfilling his role as THE incoherent drunk, yet entertaining, fellow, we decided to bribe him 50 bucks to go and seduce the best milf next our spot. He obliged with out hesitation and found this disgusting cougar from washington. But instead of using his mouth to spit game or lick her, as promised, he used her as a kickstand for three seconds before vomiting right down her top.

As she sprinted down Trousdale to the nearest bathroom, he was showered with chants of "PUSSY," (why this has to do with vomiting on a chick's cleavage, I have no idea) followed by his stumbling onto the nearest steps across from Tommy Trojan, falling into a drunken slumber and subsequent drooling.

Nobody ponied up the Grant bill, and the USC Department of Public Safety escorted him to his residence on frat row. He's now a legend, just like Matt Barkley but with a slightly less positive connotation.

THREE:

In October 2001, I was leaving Foxboro Stadium after a New England Patriots game had ended, and thousands of fans were pouring out of the stadium and onto the street. For those of you on the interwebs not familiar with the Foxboro, Massachusetts area, after games local police rope off the sidewalks and force people to cross the street at certain spots. At least they did at the time. Now that it is Gillette Stadium/Patriot Place they may have ramps constructed over the road...

But one particularly drunk fan was determined to meander where he felt like it – ropes be damned. Approximately 35-years-old, he was clearly stumbling with his shirt completely unbuttoned to offer a better view of his happy trail-covered beer gut. My memory may be wrong on this, but in my head he will forever look like Zack Galifianakis from "The Hangover".

Without any friends to help him (my guess is they abandoned him) a horse–mounted police officer approached the man and asked him to go back under the rope and onto the sidewalk. The man refused, of course, and kept walking in the street. The officer followed him and once again ordered him to get back behind the ropes.

At this point, the man turned around and had a very natural reaction any well-balanced, sober person would have: he reeled back and cowboy punched the horse in the face. Punched. A horse. In the face.

The horse, to put it mildly, freaked the fuck out. The cop half fell off, half jumped off the horse while trying to grab the drunk at the same time. He managed to tear the man's shirt off as he fell, and the horse-puncher wiggled free and bolted down the street. But he didn't make it far.

Maybe it was the post-9/11 feelings about police. Maybe everybody assumed this guy was not a Pats fan. Or maybe people just seem to freaking love horses (see: Barbaro). But the fans definitely stepped up in a true act of…Patriotism? Heroism? Hilariousism? First, an older, bearded gentleman (think Gorton's Fisherman) ducked the ropes and basically dove in front of the man to trip him. As the man went flying to the ground, three or four equally drunk men tackled him. While the cop and a couple of bystanders wrangled the horse and calmed it down, these men held the now shirtless man down with a knee to the back and repeatedly bashed/smooshed his face and chest into the pavement. Not hard enough to kill him, just enough to say "hey guy, what in the sweet Jesus god is wrong with you that you would punch a horse."

The cop finally came over and arrested him, and the other fans, some would argue heroes, disappeared back to the crowd. My only hope is that the guy was charged with assaulting a police officer.

FOUR:

I was completing my final semester of college at Western Illinois in the fall of 2006, a school that has a good party rep. I was working on a live remote for the campus radio station during a tailgate before a Leatherneck game one fall morning, which consisted of handing out cups and other station swag to buzzed/drunk college kids. A truck had pulled up next to our spot and the guys and gals were having a merry ol' time with alcohol and our swag.

Also occurring on this day, the local Boy Scout troop was walking around the tailgate to promote fire safety or something like that. After a couple hours into the tailgate, one of the youngsters walked by our area, and one of the guys in the truck thrust a can of beer in front of the Boy Scout, urging him to chug it.

The Boy Scout (assuming that he was around 12 years old) proudly took the can and started chugging it. Unfortunately, he was chugging it right in front of a cop. The Boy Scout was dragged away, the tailgaters in the truck were subdued, and had to leave the party.

It was one of the funniest moments I had tailgating that year.

Attention tailgaters. It's a long season so please help us with this project and send along any and all shady stories, ridiculous videos, and photos from your tailgating experiences from this season. Or last season. Or 1952. Just make it funny/sad/gross/shocking. Email to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: FAILgate

Mariotti dubbed Matt Barkley the next great QB in SC's lineage of gun-slinging supermen after the Trojans' 53-point shellacking of San Jose State on Saturday. But since the jury is still out on Matt — his first career victory came against a WAC team that played .500 ball last year — Mariotti was forced to gush about the undeniable "sex appeal" oozing from Barkley's "blond hair and good looks."

Thanks for sharing your tastes, Jay.

What makes this man crush so creepy is the fact that Barkley is only 19. As Mariotti points out, Matt isn't even "old enough to grow more than peach-fuzz stubble on his face."

Is Cool Barkley Next Great College QB? [FanHouse]

USC Coach Pete Carroll seems downright despondent over his starting quarterback heading to the NFL.

The LA Times's, "All Things Trojan" blog has the video of the press conference, in which Carroll, usually brimming with positivity, struggles to hide his disappointment with Matt Sanchez's decision to go pro. The only upside to Sanchez coming out early seems to be that the other marquee underclassmen quarterbacks — Tebow, Bradford, McCoy— decided to wait another year. Even the USC faithful feel that Sanchez could use a little more seasoning.

Pete Carroll peeved about Mark Sanchez leaving [LA Times]

Wake up, shitheads! Time for you to get up, swallow 15 Advil, put your pants back on, and stagger home like the dirty, filthy people you are. Here are the bowl games you’ll need to nurse that hangover…

11AM Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa (ESPN)
This is the one you’ll watch because nothing else is on and you just want the pain to subside.

1PM Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State (ABC disguised as ESPN)
Formerly the Citrus Bowl. As Steve Spurrier once said, you can’t spell Capital One Bowl without UGA! Or at least the A.

1PM Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Clemson (CBS)

4:30PM Rose Bowl: Penn State vs. USC (ABC disguised as ESPN)
Joe Paterno will be, once again, coaching from the booth. This way, you don’t have to see the colostomy bag.

8:30PM Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati (FOX)
Jesus, this is the fucking Orange Bowl? Shouldn’t this be the Papajohns.com Bowl? Miami/Nebraska this ain’t. But hey, it’s New Year’s Day, and you’re one step away from grim death, so any real football will do now, won’t it?

Consider the comment section below your all day Hugh Johnson project. So sit back, mix up a Bloody Mary, find the greasiest breakfast you can, and enjoy the day. Happy 2009, gang.

Pictured above is Bryshon Nellum, who runs track for USC. The Halloween party he attended last night didn't go so well. As in, he ended up in the Emergency Room, after getting shot three times in the leg.

The good news is that Nellum didn't suffer any life-threatening injuries, and might even race again someday.

USC track coach Ron Allice says Bryshon Nellum's Friday night surgery was successful and doctors are hopeful the 19-year-old will be able to resume his track career.

Police say the shooting occurred at a restaurant near USC early Friday as the party neared its end. No arrests have been made.

That's obviously wonderful news for Bryshon and his family. But, man, Halloween must be a real bitch for the fuzz to work. "Hey, officer, I saw the shooter! He was wearing a Nixon mask."

USC sprinter shot at Halloween party [LA Times]

Ohio State (-2) at Wisconsin- When Wisconsin blew a 19-0 second half lead, this game went from a potential coronation of Bret Bielema to Nick Saban-level rockstar status, to a must-win for Wisconsin to remain alive in the Rose Bowl chase. Sure, you could bet on Ohio State losing three games in the Big Ten, but you could also bet on Stuart Scott winning an Olympic gold medal in archery. Thanks to the loss at Michigan, Ohio State can open up a 2.5 game lead over Wisconsin with a win. Better get those quarters loaded up in the marshmallows.

Missouri (-10) at Nebraska- Remember back in 1997 when it took a miracle for Nebraska to win at Missouri?

(Apologies to Missouri fans for dredging up that memory.)

Now Missouri is going on the road and the home team has won the last six in this series. Missouri hasn't won at Nebraska since 1978. Let me repeat that, 1978. That's 15 consecutive losses. Yet Missouri is ten point favorites in this game. Put this one on your radar and if Nebraska is within a touchdown in the second half, switch over and watch, it could get really interesting. Especially since Chase Daniel just went on television and asked Nebraska fans to bring him 14 virgins as his pregame meal.

Oregon at Southern Cal (-16)- True or false, this is the smallest margin USC will be favored by in the Pac-10 all season? I'm thinking true. Nine days after their beatdown at Oregon State, USC gets a chance to take out their frustrations on the other state school. Am I the only person who pictures Mark Sanchez making a round at the sorority houses to personally apologize for the loss at Oregon State.

By the way, how amazing was that Utah-Oregon State finish last night? You can breathe easier, the pathway to a match-up of undefeated BYU and undefeated Utah remains clear. Question, if BYU wins this game in November can Mormons strip off their Mormon underpants and swing them around their head? Or is that verboten?

UConn at North Carolina (-7)- I will now quietly pocket the $20 fee that UConn's athletic department continues to float in my direction for always finding their games interesting. Particularly the lines. Move along now kids, nothing to see hear.

Texas Tech (-6.5) at Kansas State- Honestly, I know nothing about Kansas State's football team. But the over/under in this game is 66. Seriously, 66. Tech is averaging 45.8 points a game and Kansas State is averaging 47. That's insane. And Texas Tech is only a 6.5 point favorite. Based on the statistics the match-up between Graham Harrel and Josh Freeman (they've combined for 23 touchdown passes already) is going to be the best this weekend. Plus, there's always the possibility that Mike Leach will let his team loot and pillage in Manhattan, Kansas if they win.

Florida State at Miami (-3)- Admit it, you had no idea this game was happening this weekend either, did you? Remember when this game would dominate the weekend and you couldn't escape how huge it was? Now, you've just realized this game was going on, sort of idly thought, "Eh, whatever, I'll check the final score if I have time after watching an undefeated Vandy play in ESPN primetime." Wait, what?

(A refresher on what Florida State has meant to college football over the years.)

Auburn (-3.5) at Vandy- Vandy fans are going to hate to hear this, but get past Auburn and all of a sudden you have to say to hell with only qualifying for a bowl game and start thinking about whether you could contend for the SEC East title. I know, I know, blasphemy. But, say Vandy beats Auburn to go to 5-0 (3-0 in the SEC). Next week they play at Miss. State. Another game they can win. Later in the season the Dores go to Kentucky. Win both those and you get to 5 SEC wins. Then, beat just one of Georgia, Tennessee (which given the way things are going they might be favored in), and Florida and you're at 6 wins. Probably good enough to win the SEC East this year. Or at least to tie for the crown.

Meanwhile, for Auburn, the question becomes do you go with a talented but dumb and likely to make a mistake Kody Burns or a weak-armed but smart Chris Todd? Second, does it even matter? Yes, unless he's deflowered Tommy Tuberville's prized cow on the plains, Kody Burns has to start. He's the only Auburn offensive player that makes any defense the least bit nervous. Of course Tommy Tuberville is so distrustful of his offense that he's already planning on winning this game 2-0. Point being, the winner of this game will put up less than 20 points. Book it.

Texas (-14) at Colorado- I don't really have much to say about this game. Just quite a few friends who went to Colorado or live in Boulder and have been talking about how awesome it's going to be to valet their bikes for this game. How pumped are Colorado fans about this game. They've all taken off their hemp anklets. Be afraid Longhorn fans, very afraid.

Penn State (-14) at Purdue- Penn State is the only team in American with a stadium that seats 100,000 people, a coach dueling to be the winningest coach of all-time, and an undefeated record in the Big Ten. Yet no one is paying any attention to them. At least not for any reasons that have to do with actually playing football games. It's all about the arrests and a program spiraling out of control. Thanks ESPN. Which is interesting because this has been a pretty disciplined football team that has put up 66, 45, 55, 45, and 38 points in the first five weeks of the season. Damn.

This game at Purdue begins the four-game stretch run in the Big Ten that will define Penn State's season. Following Purdue, Penn State goes to Wisconsin, hosts Michigan, and finishes up at Ohio State.

Kentucky at Alabama (-16)- Would Kentucky plans please stop talking about your number one scoring defense in the country? Please? You've beaten two non D-1 teams (Norfolk State and Western Kentucky), dodged a hail-mary loss against MTSU, and beat Louisville on the road. Only the last game is that impressive. And that was over a month ago. Now you're going on the road at Alabama for the CBS game and you'd think Alabama was having to play the 1970's Steel Curtain defense.

Meanwhile, in Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban has decreed that he will no longer walk on any surface but papyrus scrolls that have been illustrated to feature prominent moments in his life. (Beating Georgia last week, leaving Michigan State, signing Daunte Culpepper to a huge contract.) Already Alabama has a sign-up list to illustrate Saban's papyrus scrolls that is 14 years long. Yep, Saban is Gilgamesh.

Granted USC opened as a 24 point favorite and will probably beat the bejesus out of Oregon State. But at least USC is going on the road against a Pac-10 team. In conference brain farts are the only thing that have kept the Trojans from complete and utter college football dominance. Crazier things have happened than USC losing to Oregon State. Stanford, anyone? In fact, the last time USC went on the road to lovely Corvallis, Oregon in 2006, they lost 33-31 to break a string of 38 consecutive regular season wins.

It's going to be cool (mid 50's with the potential of rain) at kickoff. Meaning USC's Mark Sanchez (who by the way, isn't he what A.C. Slater would have become if Slater weren't fictional) will have to break out the turtleneck to avoid the chills. Both teams are coming off bye weeks. In fact, USC has already had two bye weeks (three if you count UVa). It's been two weeks since they ran roughshod over the Buckeyes. This game will set up USC for 8 consecutive weeks of play until a much-needed third bye week of the season before the Notre Dame game.

Meanwhile Oregon State (the only people who can name all three of their opponents still think wearing Beaver baseball caps are cool and/or attend Oregon State) is 1-2 and also coming off a bye week. So far Oregon State has lost to Stanford and Penn State while beating Hawai'i. None of these performances instill great confidence. Least of all the 45-14 loss to Penn State. Even still, this is one of USC's 5 Pac-10 road games and how often do you get a chance to see the number one team in the country on a stage all their own?

Not often. Especially not when they're on the West Coast and have a television package that falls somewhere between nonexistent and "Hey, do I get Fox College Sports Pacific," or whatever the hell that station is that is still not in HD. Anyway, three things to note tonight.

1. Joe McKnight has still only carried the ball 18 times this season. Rumor is Brent Musberger has videotaped these runs and watches them flit across his ceiling at night while he's in bed. This is probably true. McKnight is averaging a Reggie Bushian 9.2 yards a carry. Better find out where his parents are living. Pronto.

2. Oregon State's quarterback is named Lyle. Meaning he must have been born in 1958. Which makes his performance all the more impressive. He's averaging over 300 yards a game passing including 404 against Stanford in the opener. On the downside he's 5'11 and weighs 235 pounds. I think he's eating those really cool Beaver hats.

3. Mark Sanchez is listed as "Questionable: groin chafing" on the USC injury report. When asked to explain this injury, Pete Carroll replied, "Hey, that's why you come to USC. We do bye weeks well." So there's that.

Kickoff at 9. Be there. I'm told that the most famous Oregon State alum not named Steven Jackson will be there. I have no idea what her name was but she was on the cover of Playboy holding a football. Sign her up.

1. Charlie Weis and Tom Brady go down in consecutive weeks with knee injuries. Remember that horrible movie Final Destination where death stalked all those kids? I think they even did a sequel. Is anyone else starting to think that's what Spygate is like? Weis getting wrecked on the sideline was just like that kid stepping in front of the bus and getting killed as he tried to cross the street. If I was Bill Belichick, I'd have my head on a swivel next week.

2. Does anyone else have one single friend who's approaching 30 and keeps going out to the same bar you've been going out to for the past 8 years and still runs the same pick-up a girl offense, only now it's not working at all? My friend Kelly is a Michigan grad and spent Saturday watching Michigan attempt to run the spread offense. He's argued with me that it was time for a change of offensive philosophies. Then, he pointed to our friend, standing alone and woefully adrift in front of a live band, and said, "See, the old offense just isn't working anymore." This would have been more effective if Michigan had looked the least bit competent, but, even still, the analogy is almost perfect. At least none of my friends are the only guy at the bar with a gray goatee. It's been my experience that gray goatee is always there. If you haven't noticed this then you might be the guy at the bar with the gray goatee. Condolences.

3. Post-game interview where Jimmy Clausen stares down the camera directly and made your blood run cold. I'm trying to figure out why this is making me so uncomfortable and then it hits me: Jimmy Clausen is Draco Malfoy. If you have no idea who Draco Malfoy is, email me and you can have my balls. You deserve them.

4. Friday night, while you were out drinking and forgot about the game like I told you would happen on Thursday, USF's freshman kicker nailed a 43 yard field goal to beat Kansas. This was the game of the weekend and you forgot about it even though you spent all day Thursday trying to remind yourself not to forget. You suck. See, alcohol does kill brain cells.

5. South Carolina and Georgia. I listened to this game driving back from UAB-Tennessee on Saturday. It was impossible to find for at least an hour. Why are football game so impossible to find on the radio? Anyway, biggest question of the day, why is Spurrier shuttling in Stephen Garcia at all? I don't get this. Smelley is on his way to throwing for 300 yards and you bring in a redshirt freshman who has already been charged with 19 felonies since he arrived on campus. Including keying a professor's car? He proceeds to take two sacks. Mind-boggling.

6. Biggest upset of the week: Maryland over Cal. Cal was a 16 point favorite. Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee state last weekend. Yet, get a 12:00 kickoff rolling, get Cal's players out of bed at roughly 4 in their morning their time, and things can fall apart in a hurry. Why don't Pac-10 teams insist on later kickoffs when they travel all the way across the country? This is the only thing I'd be concerned about the contract. Write it in there and then sign. Or set the return game for 1 in the morning east coast time. But even that isn't really effective because college kids would prefer this anyway. So, basically, if you're from the west coast you have to refuse to play in this game.

7. Speaking of MTSU, you probably haven't seen how Kentucky's game against MTSU ended because it was on something called the Big Blue Network and Tim Couch was taking a break from having sex fourteen times on Saturday to call the game. In fact, when you watch the footage below you'll note that the Big Blue Network managed to miss the actual tipped-ball catch. Setting the scene, less than thirty seconds remain and UK is leading 20-14. They've lined up to attempt a field goal that will ice the game. Enjoy.

Kentucky fans still haven't recovered from this. Almost LSU redux. I still have no idea how the Kentucky db reacted so quickly to make this tackle inside the one. Thankfully the camera man wasn't responsible for deep coverage.

8. One note on the UT-UAB game, for the first time in my life the UT crowd booed players. Up until five years ago you didn't hear booing of any sort at the game. No matter what the result was. And there were some bad results. Both Jonathan Cromption and tight end Luke Stocker (whose hands appeared to be made of granite and lack finger extensions were loudly booed during the third quarter). I don't get this at all. Anytime you boo college athletes, I think it's incredibly stupid. But the booing of college athletes in the second game of the season during a game they're winning? That's Florida Gator fan-level cluelessness there. Is it spreading?

9. The Mississippi State-Auburn game finished with a 3-2 score. That's only happened six times in college football hstory and only once in the past 50 years. It was televised on ESPN-2 and redefined the term "slugfest." If you've ever wondered what football in 1932 looked like, you should have watched this game. But here's the deal, Sly Croom made the dumbest decision of the week. Why in the world did he choose to go for a 4th and 15 late? When his offense hadn't even converted a single third down of any distance all game? Especially when he had the opportunity to try and pin Auburn deep and allow his defense to go for either another safety or at least force Auburn to punt from their end zone? This decision was baffling to me. It's fairly rare you see a coach make a decision this dumb. Ever.

10. UCLA gave up 59 points to BYU. Two weeks ago my team lost to UCLA. This week we play Florida. I can't explain how unsettling this is. I know the transitive property doesn't work in sports, but, still, uh oh. By the way, if you're doubting whether or not USC is going to run the table in the Pac-10 this year, Arizona, Arizona State, Washington State, Washington, Stanford, Cal and UCLA all lost non-conference games this weekend. And Oregon needed overtime to beat the 6th or 7th best Big Ten school, Purdue.

11. Vandy is now 3-0. They beat Rice behind the fleet feet of their white running back, Jared Hawkins. The white running back is the story of this year's college football season. Michigan has one, UCLA started one, and I'm sure there are others. Of course two of these three teams looked inept on offense, but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Yep, 2008 is the year of the white running back. But, lest we all forget, injury to fat men on your football team, are just a play away. And if this happens, college kids will reenact the injury.

One of the most fascinating angles to this story, and there are many, is the degree to which Pryor comes to represent his small town — Jeanette, Pa. And how many people have been following him as a special athlete since he was a young kid.

"Third grade to sixth—it’s that time of life when magic is always just around the corner, when life hasn’t beaten it out of you," Klimchock says. "If Terrelle has a fault, it’s that he still hasn’t learned that magic isn’t always possible. All the times on court he’d try to thread a pass through a wall of defenders and it didn’t happen, he’d look at me, mystified. I’m halfway thinking There’s a wall there. But the other half, I’m mystified myself, because I’d expected it to go through."

Still more:

He grew four inches, to six-four, and the look in his eye got even darker. "It was like the year Robert Johnson went away, sold his soul to the devil, and came back possessed," Klimchock says. One evening before practice, early in Pryor’s freshman year, Klimchock found him standing with his back to the basket, six feet out. "He says, ‘Coach, look,’ takes off backwards and throws it down, all backwards," Klimchock recalls. It defied physics, and it defied imagination to try it. "I thought, The body alone cannot do this," Klimchock says. "Something has to happen in the mind."

How about Pryor's high school graduation party?

That much is clear at Pryor’s graduation party in late May, held downtown at the American Legion Hall. For four hours, there are never fewer than 400 in the hall. Pryor, aglow in an orange Lacoste shirt, has a lantern-jaw smile for everyone as he works the room, signing place mats ("So this is for everyone at Nancy’s Diner?") and picking up babies ("God, she’s a beauty, isn’t she?"), then moving on the instant there’s a pause. As the day draws to a close, there are a lot of long faces. Jeannette’s first citizen is all grown up and leaving home.

Honestly, I could pull out paragraphs like this for the entire post. Snoop Dog's son making fun of one of Pryor's duck passes by breaking out an Aflac joke? One final quote from a high schooler's phone call to Coach Tressel: "Hey, Coach, Snoop called me TP," he says into one cell phone, using his free hand to photograph a seagull with another, an iPhone. "Oh, yeah, and Joe Montana worked with me on my mechanics. A little." Just go read the story.

The Hunted [Details]

8. UVa at UConn (-12.5)- Remember how Al Groh was supposed to revitalize Cavs football? Yeah, those dreams have long since passed. Now dontfirealgroh.com gets more and more frustrating each week. Already Cavs fans are rooting for the good ole days when their players were being arrested at gay bars to return. But has it really gotten to the point where a UConn team that scored 12 points on Temple, Temple!, opens as a favorite by more than 12 over Virginia? Yep, that time has come. UVa beat UConn last year 17-16. But you have to take UVa with that spread, right?

7. Oregon (-8) at Purdue- This game will take 5 hours to play and end with a score of something like 56-49. The new college football rules designed to shorten the game have no prayer of helping here. Joe Tiller is the most reliably average of all Big Ten coaches. He's good for 7 or 8 wins a year (10 bowl games in 11 seasons) and will inevitably have at least a single game in September that makes you think Purdue might be a factor. Then, they aren't. Unless it's sleeting and his mustache freezes. Then, you have to watch.

Oregon is probably USC's most legit challenger in the Pac-10 and no one has mentioned them all season. Why? Because as much as the Pac-10 complains about a lack of media attention on the East Coast, the only Pac-10 teams that get any West Coast media attention are in major markets in California.

The most interesting thing about this game? Both teams had a bye coming in. Why? (Note, evidently this is not true. Both teams actually played games; Purdue-Northern Colorado and Oregon-Utah State. Even still, I stand by my bye week statement.) The second most interesting thing about this game, Oregon is traveling to Indiana for a football game. Again, why? This is one of those cross-regional games that makes no sense. Does Purdue bring in northwest recruits? No. Does Oregon hit up Indiana for players? No. Have Purdue and Oregon fans been clamoring for this match-up? No. So, why play? Just so the Pac-10 and the Big 10 can play another game on the same day as USC-Ohio State that no one on earth will remember? Brilliant.

But look at all the pretty touchdowns.

6. Auburn (-10.5) at Miss. State- Last year Miss. State and Sylvestor Croom found a way to beat Auburn at Auburn. Now, Auburn has a new quarterback, a new offensive coordinator, a new defensive coordinator, has looked mediocre in two wins thus far and they are favored by two scores in a road game. This makes zero sense to me. Granted State has looked horrible, but even when State wins they look horrible. How could you not take MSU here? I'll tell you, if Croom makes the mistake of scheduling the team fieldtrip to the only escalator in Starkville on the Friday before this game. Last year three starters were injured trying to walk the "magic stairs."

5. Oklahoma (-20) at Washington- Can you imagine what will happen if the officials, feeling sorry for Washington's excessive celebration penalty last week, blow another call on the west coast in favor of a Pac-10 school against Oklahoma. I'm rooting for this to happen just to see Bob Stoops storm the field and choke the head ref to death with his headset cord. Otherwise the Ty Willingham death march is likely to continue.

4. Michigan (-2) at Notre Dame- The fact that Michigan is favored in this game speaks volumes about Jimmy Clausen's hair. Because if you've watched Michigan's offense thus far they look like Australian aboriginees being instructed in how to build websites without first learning to read. Yet, amazingly, the over/under on this game is 37. How? The score of this game is going to be 13-10 Michigan and after it's over, Charlie Weis's amazingly invisible crotch is going to be soiled. But not for long. Immediately after he soils himself, Notre Dame fans will arrive to lick up his mess. All the while exclaiming, "Oh, yeah, Ty Willingham's the one who really blows. This isn't a blow job, this is just a European crotch cleaning."

3. Kansas at South Florida (-3.5)- This game is actually being played on Friday which means 99% of college football fans are going to think, man that sounds like a good game. Only the game will already have been played before we realize it's going on. Which is a shame because Kansas's Mark Mangino and USF's Jim Leavitt are the two angriest coaches on the sideline not named Mike Gundy. Kansas hasn't lost since John Brown's Raid but South Florida is favored at home. Anyone who tells you they have any idea what's going to happen in this game is a fool. USF is the moderately attractive girl of college football. Except she's bipolar. One party she's ski-polling two guys while sitting on the drier, the next weekend she's worn a navy pantsuit to the party and is crying into her Cranberry Diet Mike's Hard Lemonade. I'm sure this is tough to take for USF fans.

Hopefully for Mark Mangino's sake he'll avoid having his picture taken alongside oranges this time.

2. Georgia (-7.5) at South Carolina- Steve Spurrier is reverting to 1994 and plans on alternating between his two quarterbacks, Smelley and Beecher. Neither of them is any good and they're probably not going to be able to throw bubble screens to wide receiver Kenny McKinley, who has an injured hamstring. Meanwhile, Georgia comes into town incensed because Mark May didn't invite Knowshon Moreno onto the set and let him demonstrate his great leaping ability by tea-bagging Lou Holtz. Also, former Georgia defensive end David Pollack is now a member of the CBS announcing team. In what capacity, I'm not sure. There's a strong part of me that wants his only role to be high-skipping into the press box while barking with Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson walking calmly behind him.

This game may be the last chance Steve Spurrier has to prove he's still relevant. Otherwise he sinks to 1-7 in his last 8. It's also one of two early SEC East games (the other is Florida-UT) where every other SEC East fanbase needs to be rooting for the underdog to win so chaos rules in the SEC East.

1. Ohio State (-11.5) at USC- Too much has been said about this game already. And the most interesting question, hasn't even been answered. How much does USC have to beat Ohio State (sans Beanie) by to guarantee that Ohio State has no chance to play in the BCS title game? 30? 40? I'm interested in the number because I really have no idea.

Tressel's Thursday comments conflict with his Tuesday comments that Wells would play. Is this gamesmanship from Tressel? Per ESPN: "Tressel said team officials would monitor Wells' condition before deciding whether to rule him out for the game in Los Angeles." So nothing has yet been decided.

Clearly winning without Wells is the best possible outcome for Ohio State, but isn't losing without Wells available to play the next best option? The Buckeyes will be favored in every game for the remainder of their season. If they run the table and finish 11-1 with one road loss at USC without their star tailback, they'll be in a solid position to once more make the BCS Title Game. And America will still hate them.

Buckeyes' Wells now doubtful for Saturday's game [ESPN]
Wells back at practice [Buckeye Grove]

This weekend's game is obviously a tough ticket to get , especially the sideline tickets because, apparently, you can't really see anything football-like at Memorial Coliseum if you're in the normal seats. The important people, though, won't have to worry about craning their necks over the heads of the Trojan masses because they'll most likely get the coveted sideline passes. Those scheduled to roam the Erin Andrews terrain include Denzel Washington and Jamie Foxx, but some of the other recipients to receive the close to 200 sideline passes are being kept secret, to "create buzz", according to USC's athletic director.

So, who else will get the sideline passes besides big-time donors and Denzel? I hope O.J. gets a pass.

Sideline pass to USC/OSU is hottest ticket in town [LA Times]

Event planning in Southern California just got a whole lot more interesting. Can you also rent the UCLA cheerleaders? If so, I've got some...ideas for them too.

Hire the USC Song Girls [USC Song Girls]
The perfect party favor: Rent a USC Song Girl [Busted Coverage]

The interview was for Thursday's Jim Rome show. White's response led the host to say, "White's comment was a complete non sequitur." To which White responded, "Hey, homie, I ain't gay." If only. Actually they talked about why Jim Rome loves him some McDonald's chicken. Or something. Ohio State-USC can't get here soon enough.

LenDale White says Ohio State sucks [Sports by Brooks]

"JP is the founder of Pyle of List, where he toils alongside 3 men that are superior writers, passionate sports lovers and respected friends. He's a USC alum, college football enthusiast and Pac-10 apologist. He also contributes to National Lampoon's Zaz Report but isn't responsible for any of their movies. JP is honored to receive your scorn in the comments."

Orson Swindle is a tough act to follow, even when I’m not following him directly. He’s like the “Hot Fuzz” of college football. He somehow manages to lovingly celebrate whilst cleverly ridiculing the SEC football culture. I’m still struggling not to use “we” when talking about USC. Kudos to you, Orson.

With that out of the way, here’s your USC Trojans 2008 Season Preview:

Strengths

Reputation: If USC were any other school, this team would be ranked in the high ‘teens (unless they played in the SEC where they’d be national title favorites). But in college football, unlike any other sport this side of gymnastics, your rep will play a factor in your rankings. This isn’t going to win games for the men of Troy, but will position them favorably in the polls. Also, the Trojans are very attractive to the BCS because of their high profile and command of a gigantic media market, which gives them an edge for any at-large bids. Sorry haters, fair or not…them’s the facts.

Nobel Prize Winner, George Olah: In 1994, Olah won the Nobel Prize for revolutionizing organic chemistry. 8 years later, Pete Carroll is producing unseemly amounts of talent and has the energy of a toddler with a PCP drip while only sleeping 47 minutes a night. Coincidence? I think not.

Rey Maualuga and his band of Merry Linebackers: Despite his legendary reputation, I was very critical of ol’ Rey through last season (albeit on a far less public forum, my blog) because his enthusiasm for manslaughter on the football field often left him out of position. He’d make spectacular plays, but simple ones would elude him. But, he finally seemed to find the proper balance at the end of last season. Which is bad news for every offense in the country… even his own, considering he’s hurt a few of his teammates in practice. When he’s joined by Brian Cushing, who was a dead ringer for Tim Riggins when he had long hair, and Kaluka Maiava (broke his thumb forcing a fumble by jamming it into the ball in the Rose Bowl) they form a very menacing trio.

Pete Carroll: You cannot list strengths for this football team without mention Pete himself. He is everything good about USC football. As an alum and hardcore fan, I will openly weep the day (God forbid) he ever decides to leave the Trojans.

Weaknesses

Special Teams: Despite a ridiculous stockpile of talent (including Ess-Ee-Cee approved speed), the coverage teams are susceptible to big returns and our kicker is a former linebacker. The reason? Unlike virtually every civilized program in the country, the Trojans do not have a special teams coach. Apparently they decided to use the coaching position for an Assistant Facebook Coach, which to be fair is more relevant in recruiting. Since special teams plays can swing momentum and decide close games, this could catch up to USC this year in one such contest.

Offensive line: After replacing four starters, the Trojans’ experience on the O- line has been well documented. But all I needed to know was expressed by a note from the first scrimmage provided by Scott Wolf: “lineman went the wrong way on two of the first three plays of the scrimmage.” Missing an assignment is one thing, but going in the wrong direction is quite another. Especially at the start of an intra-squad scrimmage, where the plays were probably scripted. These are the kind of mental mistakes that lead to the second string QB frantically putting on his helmet and sprinting into the huddle, while they bust out smelling salts for your starter who’s on a mental journey previously only believed to be possible with heavy doses of peyote.

Depth: General wisdom would trumpet depth as a great strength. Even for USC, this would be true for all non skill positions. But the glut of talented WR’s, RB’s and even QB’s has complicated this whole “offensive juggernaut” thing, which has been stuck in 4th gear since 2005 when Bush-Leinart-White departed. The Trojans don’t have a “go-to guy” within the dearth of playmakers. In their pursuit of the next chosen one, the coaching staff has shuffled so many players around that nobody has established a rhythm and gotten comfortable. I have a scientifically unfounded belief that this also contributes to a higher rate of injury, since guys are literally competing for the starting job each week in practice.

Rivals

After decades of college football excellence, the Trojans have managed to pile up more rivals across this great nation than the Warriors had in the boroughs of New York City. Hence the following Michael Corleone-esque, Godfather christening scene caliber hit list:

UCLA- When other Pac-10 schools mock your apathy, you’re nothing short of a laughingstock. Seriously, the rivalry isn’t fun when you have the school spirit of a 14 year old emo kid that cuts himself. Don’t worry, the morons in the dancing bear costumes will hold up a sign when it’s time for another lifeless “A-Clap”.

Notre Dame- This is all you need to know about the Charlie Weis era at Notre Dame: even Pete Carroll thinks he’s an asshole.

Big 10- What do Pac-10 schools call a mobile QB from the Big 10? A Defensive End.

Texas- Mack Brown’s coaching ability is directly correlated with the presence of Vince Young, or in this case lack thereof. And he sure as hell ain’t walkin’ through that door anytime soon. Enjoy the Colt McCoy era. The success of your team will be determined by a guy that sounds like a rejected cousin from the holdout-era “Dukes of Hazzard.”

SEC- Only a rival because they’ve eluded ‘SC in BCS bowls. Now that they’ve added a game to the schedule, I’m glad to see you’re finally playing quality opponents out of conference without having to compromise your relationship with Louisiana Monroe or the Citadel. At least this didn’t require something as drastic as Sam “Bam” Cunningham running roughshod over Bear’s Tide to bludgeon them into integration… in 1971.