•On the strength of Illinois rallying to top Clemson, Ohio State knocking off FSU, and of course, Wisconsin toppling Duke, the Big Ten took the Big Ten/ACC Challenge for the first time in its 11-year history. Does this mean the Big Ten is tops in the nation? Don't count out the MAC, because Toledo put quite a hurting on non-NCAA, not-even-NAIA Rochester College.

•The Blackhawks will announce today that they've signed Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews and Duncan Keith to long term deals. So their core of young stars will remain intact well into the next decade. Plus, you know, Marian Hossa until 2021.

•The NFL released new concussion guidelines, preventing players from returning to action if they show signs of a concussion. It's not like the rough-and-tumble old days, when a player had to be literally unconscious before they would be given the day off. Oh wait; that was the rule up until yesterday.

•Because everything in soccer has to take for-fucking-ever, FIFA yesterday announced the procedures for the World Cup draw to be held on Friday. Hard to figure out what it means, but people who know say it's not good news for the U.S. Also, the fact that it's soccer, not good news for the U.S.

•Juan Marichal and the family of Johnny Roseboro will attend the opening of a play based upon the former's famous beating of the latter with a bat. The two became good friends, so there's still hope for Mike Piazza's one-man show about his bat-throwing nemesis, "Roger & Me: The Musical!"

•••••

I've got nothing pithy to say. I'm a broken man. Don't ask me to liveblog a Nets game ever again.

The Argentines needed six points in their last two qualifying games to grab a World Cup spot for 2010 and after Wednesday's 1-0 victory over Uruguay sealed the deal, Diego Maradona decided that would be excellent opportunity to tell everyone who criticized his coaching ability to get bent. His postgame press conference began with "You lot take it up the arse" and only got better from there.

"I also want to dedicate this to the whole of Argentina, to my family too, but there is one group who do not deserve this because they have treated me like rubbish.

"I don't usually read the newspapers or listen to sports programmes but my daughters do and they told me what had been said about me. So, I repeat, to all those that said anything against me, keep eating your words.

"But certain people who have not supported me, and you know who you are ... they can suck it and carry on sucking it.

"This is for all Argentines, minus the journalists.

The only downside to this rant is that he did not cross his hand and gesture toward his crotch in the customary "suck it" manner, but other than that it was a thing of beauty. It really comes to life in the original Spanish, but I think the translation suits just fine.

Can any actual Spanish speakers confirm that's what he's really saying?

Diego Maradona to face disciplinary action from Fifa for obscene tirade [Guardian]
Diego Maradona Tells Press To 'Suck It' After Argentina Triumph Over Uruguay [Yahoo! Sports]
Classless Maradona unloads on media after Argentina qualify [Examiner]

Previews:
Grant Wahl
LA Times

Live Blogs:
Rumors and Rants
Guanabee

Streaming:
Terra.com

The sound is from the vuvuzela, South Africa's answer to the Thunderstick. By itself, it's just a small plastic trumpet that probably cost less than a dollar to make and creates no known musical notes. But when thousands of people toot them simultaneously, you get a loud, incessant hum that makes the entire stadium sound like it's being attacked by angry bees. It's a staple at any South African soccer match and ... surprise! Everyone hates it!

FIFA president Sepp Blatter revealed this week that broadcasters want the instrument banned at next year's World Cup.

But to his eternal credit, the Fifa chief also sprang to the defence of the humble trumpet, saying people must accept that it is part and parcel of football in South Africa.

"That is what African and South Africa football is all about - noise, excitement, dancing, shouting and enjoyment," said the most powerful man in world football.

European fans, both at the tournament and at home, have been complaining about the non-stop trumpeting from the riff raff in the upper deck. Even some of the players would like to see a ban on the plastic toys that stadiums give out for free. (They can't concentrate!) Fortunately, there's very little racial or political tension between the Dark Continent and its former European oppressors, so I'm sure that when millions of Northern Hemisphere-type folks flood the country next summer for the biggest sporting event in history they will be totally tolerant of this charming, yet insanely annoying, local custom.

Why can't South Africans enjoy soccer like normal folks—with racist songs and flare guns!

Vuvuzelas set to take World Cup by storm [AFP]
In defence of the vuvuzela [BBC]
Mute button not an option for the punters [Brisbane Times]
No Racism Allowed in Football - Blatter [All Africa]
Money will talk louder than any vuvuzela [Reuters]
Africa responding to noise of the vuvuzela [ESPN]

However, a few of the players found a way to send their thoughts back to their countrymen, by wearing green wristbands out on the pitch. This incredibly subtle form of protest works because green is pretty much the only color allowed in their country and you can't use your hands in soccer in anyway. After halftime, though, only captain Mehdi Mahdavikia still had his on, which I'm sure had nothing to do with the crazy dictators running their country.

"Soccer Team official: green wristband were due to religious tradition, we removed to deny any speculation and misunderstanding."

That could be true, I guess. It could also be true that they were ordered to take them off, because both the players and team officials knew the game would be on state television back home and many of the anti-government protesters have been wearing similar attire in support of robbed presidential Mir Hossein Mousavi. What the TV watchers probably didn't see, however, were the Iranian fans in the stadium in Seoul waving flags that read "Free Iran" and "Go to hell dictator." That might have sent some kind of message too.

By the way, Iran gave up the game-tying goal in the 81st minute and now needs North Korea to beat Saudi Arabia in order to stay alive for the 2010 World Cup. (Come on, Axis of Evil!) So I guess the whole country is having a rough week.

Iranian soccer players wear green protest bands [Fox News]
Iran Soccer Players Behind Mousavi? [CBS News]
Iran Updates: Live-Blogging The Uprising [Huffington Post]
Soccer Protest: Iran Players Show Support for Mousavi [Time]
Iran players don protest colours [Iran Focus]

Think that was bad? Man, you don't want to know what he does when he gets a red card.

Yep, arrested on the field by the riot squad. Hope you're watching, Ocho Cinco.

You're Gonna Yellow Card Me? You Betta Recognize [Deuce Of Davenport]

We told you yesterday about Maradona being named as head coach of the Argentine National soccer team, despite the fact that he has very little coaching experience. Briefly mentioned in the linked article was the Church of Maradona, which I thought was a joke, quite frankly. But evidently it's real. And as you can see, it's members are not at all insane.

Church members celebrate Maradona's 48th birthday in the video, which they refer to as the year D.D. 48 ("Despues," or "After" Diego). Included in the procession is an oversized rosary — sorry, goalary — which includes 34 beads, the number of goals Maradona scored for Argentina.

Founded 10 years ago by a group of friends in Rosario, a port city to the north of Buenos Aires, it has swelled to more than 120,000 members. Dozens of more members were "baptized" on Wednesday by slamming a football with their hand, in homage to the "Hand of God" goal Maradona scored against England in the 1986 World Cup.

If you want to be absolved of your many sins, why not spend an afternoon at the Church of Maradona? No way your indiscretions can be worse than those of Maradona himself, who burns through wives, booze and cocaine faster than just about any patron saint you can name. Well, except for Saint Andrew (shown here holding invisible doobie).

The Church Of Maradona [CNN]
Diego Maradona's 48th Birthday Celebrated By Church of Maradona [Telegraph.co.uk]

Of course it was Maradona who helped usher in Argentina's string of World Cup futility when he was sent home from the 1994 competition after failing a drug test. He retired in 1997.

After retiring 11 years ago, Maradona has remained in the spotlight primarily as the country’s leading real-life soap opera star, waging a series of well-publicized battles with drugs, obesity, the news media and past lovers. Now, the hopes and dreams of 40 million soccer-mad Argentines will rest on the shoulders — much-slimmed after a stomach-stapling operation in 2005 — of a man who, in the words of the local newspaper columnist Horacio Pagani, will be “the least prepared manager in the history of international soccer.”

Maradona was not fully vetted, as they say. His coaching experience includes running two teams, Mandiyú of Corrientes in 1994 and Racing Club in 1995, "without much success." Also on his resume: Became addicted to cocaine in 1983; major heart attack due to cocaine overdose in 2004; gastric bypass surgery in 2005; treatment for hepatitis and effects of alcohol abuse in 2007. He became friends with Fidel Castro while in treatment in Cuba (has portrait of Castro tattooed on left leg), and is also a supporter of Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez.

Fun Maradona quote: "I hate everything that comes from the United States. I hate it with all my strength."

Maradona takes over the national team in December, at which time members of The Church of Maradona can get down to their serious praying. Seriously guys, you're going to have your hands full for the next two years.

An Earthly Realm For A Soccer God [New York Times]

Michael Bertin writes about soccer regularly for Deadspin.

Ashley Cole—that's him in the white—seemingly has plenty going for him. He's relatively young (27), he's got a hot plastic wife, and he gets compensated handsomely to do his job, which is a pretty sweet one as he plays left back for Chelsea FC and, when occasion demands, the English national side. But he's also hated. Probably for the reasons above and probably augmented by things like his throwing a hissyfit when Arsenal offered him only $110,000 a week instead of the $120,000 he demanded; and that he may or may not have an open relationship with his wife where she let's him vomit on strange women for pleasure.

So when a casual pass across the England backline by Cole led to an easy goal for visiting Kazakhstan in Saturday's World Cup qualifier, he got booed. The 5-1 final makes it look like a walkover, but Cole's gaffe cut England's lead to 2-1. If not for a Kazakh own goal and sitter of a missed header the scoreline could have easily been in favor (oops, favour) of the guests at that point. And the English fans, never lacking for appetite when a chance comes to eat one of their own, were relentless. For the next 20 minutes, any time Cole got near the ball, sections of the crowd vocally pelted him. The lack of class and appropriateness was all the English papers, the FA, the coach, and the team talked about after picking up the three points.

Really? The country that unleashed Georges Boy and Michael on an unsuspecting world is going to tell fans what they can and cannot wear then give the rest of us a cultural lecture on civility? Okay, A) Pussies. Seriously, grow up. In true superpowers, reasonable discussions aren't about if someone will be booed, but about how punitive the abuse will actually be. And B) If the current global economic collapse teaches us anything, it's that people have a right, if not a duty, to boo. No, really.

Part of the U.S. Treasury bailout plan had a provision limiting executive compensation for firms that stuck out a hand. Free market worshippers objected in part because limiting price causes shortages. Sure, it looks that way when you draw out the supply and demand curves, but there is a more fundamental problem with markets for CEOs: they don't price in risk, probably because there's not much of it.

Look at Zheng Xiaoyu. He was the Chinese head of their equivalent of the FDA. After bogus drugs and tainted dog food started killing people and pets across the planet, he was killed. Executed by the government. And that's why the Chinese are going to overtake us. They are communists, and they have a better handle on making markets efficient.

Here, you can be to some degree responsible for the evaporation of several hundred million dollars of wealth and almost nothing happens to you (Jeffrey Skilling being the exception that proves the rule). Something should. Hey, want to be CEO of Goldman? Great, you do a bang up job, you're going to get $200M in base and an unlimited supply of gold-plated strippers to give you a continuous rim job if you like. You fail? You're going to have your head cut off and your rib cage used as a planter for an herb garden, then given to your successor as a reminder of what happens when you fuck things up. Safe bet people would have been far more mindful of the mortgages they packaged into CMO's if that were the case.

With the possible exception of Columbia , world fútbol has a similar problem. There's not much downside risk priced into being a player because, well, save for the odd ankle injury (Warning: not safe for the squeamish), there's not much risk there. So as fans, we have an obligation to bring that to the market. I'm not advocating actual death. I'd have a hard time enjoying my hatred of Ashely Cole if he were a corpse, plus, as the Pre-Columbian Americans figured out, it's just bad strategy. What they gained in short-term post-game ratings by killing the losers they gave up pretty quickly by completely draining the athlete talent pool.

I'm not even advocating booing necessarily. It is kind of boorish, and as far as attacking the psychology of an athlete, it's not particularly creative or effective. But the fact is, there's aren't enough repercussions for screwing up. Against any quality opponent, the goal that resulted from Cole's arrogant lob toward his own box is the difference between a win and a loss, getting out of a World Cup group, advancing in the knockout stages, etc.

I'm all for a prissy twit like Cole making £60K a week (if someone is willing to pay it), but he should be earning every penny of it. And if 20 minutes of booing is the biggest risk he faces at the workplace, then something is wrong with the labor market in soccer.

England Manager leaps to Ashley Cole's Defence [Telegraph.co.uk]
Andres Escobar Own Goal in '94 World Cup [YouTube.com]

When are John McCain and Barack Obama going to step up to the plate and demand legalization for the Super Bowl? Pansies, I tell you, each of them. The South African plan would only legalize prostitution for the length of the World Cup and then the laws would return to normal. Just like the marriages of so many philandering husbands.

Per the BBC:

It said while prostitution was illegal in South Africa, it could not ignore the fact that the sex industry thrives during major events like the World Cup.

To address this, entertainment centres such as strip clubs and escort agencies would be located in special areas where they would be safe and easily accessible.

There are five million HIV positive residents in South Africa. Honey, I'm home.

SA prostitution plans condemned [BBC News]
World Cup 2010 braces for legalized prostitution [The Big Lead]

Well, over the weekend, a German court ordered the vibrator's manufacturer to pay $65,000 to the two players, which, all told, is not an unreasonable amount to fork out for an unauthorized endorsement. We still believe this has real potential as a growth industry in the United States and are eagerly awaiting Michael Vick's special "Dogfighter" entry. Just don't let Najeh Davenport make his own model.

German Sex Toy Seller To Pay Damages To Football Stars [Yahoo News]
I'm Getting A Good Vibe From This World Cup [Deadspin]
A-Rod And Big Unit Are Still Available [Our Book Of Scrap]

Midwife Barbara Freischuetz from Cologne said: "The women say that the baby is a souvenir from the World Cup. A product of the euphoria from the tournament." Most women who are expecting sons are planning to call them Lukas, Bastian and Michael.

Oh, we get it. Well, it's all fine for fans of Bastian Schweinsteiger, Michael Ballock and Lukas Podoloski, but where's the love for German midfielder Torsten Frings? And will there be a batch of French babies named Zinedine?

Also, all German citizens should be on the lookout for any babies who look like this.

World Cup Baby Boom In Germany [World Cup Blog]

I dragged his sister into it so today I can apologise to his sister. Although I swear, before all this mess, I didn't even know Zidane had a sister. I am happy to give him the address of my house in Chieti where we can meet. I can give him my shirt and we can shake hands. FIFA can take a nice photograph and then finally everything will be over and finished with.

At the rate things are going, it won't be long before we see Zidane's sister wearing one of those Laura Quinn half-and-half jerseys.

Razzi's 'So Sorry' For Sis Slur [The Sun]
Hirshey Quickie: And Just For Kicks, Bring Your Sister [Deadspin]

Just when you thought that the B&B boys (Bush and Blair) were the most ridiculous people to be nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize (even Bono seems more worthy) comes the news that FIFA's Supreme Being Sepp Blatter wants to broker the greatest peacemaking effort since Tom Cruise showed up at Brooke Shields' doorstep. Yesterday Blatter announced that plans were in the works for Zinedine Zidane and Marco Materazzi to meet tete a tete — instead of tete a sternum — and hug it out.

To add to this Oprah moment, Blatter wants to do it at Robben Island in South Africa, where Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for decades for headbutting Apartheid. After this, I hear Blatter will turn his attention to reuniting Wayne Rooney with Ricardo Carvalho's testicles.

FIFA Moots Robben Island For Zidane-Materazzi Reunion [Reuters]

We just don't get the French. The fastest-selling song in France, nay, in all of Europe, is Coup de Boule (The Headbutt), which was produced as a "joke" by a couple of music producers in Paris to ease the pain of their country's World Cup loss to Italy. But now France's loss is also our loss, as this song is appearing everywhere. We're already sick of it, and we don't understand what they're talking about.

Zidane's Headbutt Inspires A Coup De Charts [London Daily Mail]

British tabloid The Sun says that Ronaldinho's poor showing was due to some off-field lovefests and plenty of PlayStation 2. In an interview with his girlfriend, French model Alexandra Paressant, the femme says that the soccer star would break team rules and sneak into her hotel room to "make love all night" and unwind by playing 2006 FIFA World Cup on the PlayStation 2. The Star implies that it wasn't the marathon sex sessions that left him worn out for competition. "Instead, [Paressant] says, his habit of playing PlayStation after their romps may have knocked his form."

All told, this is not a terrible reason to play poorly in the World Cup. Sex with a French model, followed by all-night PlayStation. It's just like college, if you replace "French model" with "pillow and/or various visions of character actress Margaret Colin." But perhaps we've said too much.

Sex, PS2 Blamed For Brazil Star's WC Failure [GameSpot]

There's no way of verifying whether or not this is real — our spider senses say no — but even if it's not, it's something we've all been afraid of. A German fan on his way to the World Cup, showing off his tickets to a fellow traveler, has a serious mishap.

This is why we love printing out tickets online, by the way. Though we have to say: It seems crazy to us that they charge you $1.50 for that. You're hitting us with a service charge for something that we're printing out? Uh, what's the service again?

And for the grand finale, check out this montage from Anil Dash, which combines a couple dozen of the headbutt gifs, set to music. Buckle up kids, this one is going to last a little longer than The Macarena, we fear.

Zidane Headbutt Outrage; New Video Evidence [The Register]
Zidane World Cup Headbutt Animation Festival [Anil Dash]

• Wayne insists that his genital-stomp of Ricardo Carvalho in England's World Cup quarterfinal loss to Portugal was not intentional. Said little Wayne, "If you think about it, if I'd done it deliberately, if it had been a definite stamp meant to harm him, the fella would still be in hospital to this day. But he was up on his feet in minutes, no worse for wear." I guess he's got a point there.

• He can't sleep without the light on, the TV on, and a vacuum cleaner running.

• He cried in the locker room after the loss to Portugal. Not because of the loss, but because of the sympathy his teammates had for him. "The players came over to me, one by one, and said things like: 'Don't worry, Wazza, it wasn't your fault.' That was when, for the first time, I felt a few tears come into my eyes."

• He admits to patronizing a prostitute, but says it occurred when he was 16, and he just did, "what lots of lads have always done for a few laughs." He calls it his biggest regret and something he's ashamed of.

• He, almost unfortunately, harbors no ill feelings towards Cristiano Ronaldo. Wayne says there was nothing but good-luck wishes between the two before the match, and that he sent Ronaldo a text message after the match against Portugal wishing him good luck through the rest of the tournament.

Wayne Rooney Scares Me [Mr. Irrelevant]
Rooney's revelations [Telegraph.co.uk]
'I can't sleep without the vacuum or hair dryer on' [DNA Sport]
Stamp was not deliberate - Rooney [BBC Sport]

Unable to make the transition to a lesser league as smoothly as Ricky Williams, a lot of players on these clubs are going to want out, which means we're probably about to see a flurry of big-name transfers. Among the studs available will likely be Alessandro Nesta, David Trezeguet, Mauro Camoranesi, Gianluca Zambrotta, Pavel Nedved, Patrick Viera, Lilian Thuram, Luca Toni and World Cup stud goalie Gianluigi Buffon. The BBC Sport site has put together a handly little list of what players are rumored to be heading where. In summary, the rich clubs of the English Premiership (the season's just over a month away) are about to get a hell of a lot richer.

Juventus president Cobolli Gigli plans to appeal the verdict, calling it "unheard of." Unfortunately for him, also unheard of is the depth of the cheating in which Juventus participated. Fans are taking to the streets, too, gathering in protests that have been (somewhat shockingly) peaceful. I've got to think that if they didn't know, at least on some subconscious level, that they deserved their punishments, they'd be turning over cars and setting things on fire.

English clubs prepare Italy swoop [BBC Sport]
Angry fans take to the streets after verdicts [Soccernet]
Shamed Serie A clubs to appeal scandal verdict [Soccernet]