Noah Chang loves basketball. F'ing loves it. Enough to put together a 10-minute video of him taking a little girl to school in his driveway, all the while showing us the basics and throwing in some motivational quotes.

Some highlights:

•It is physically impossible for Noah to shoot without saying "He looks...he shoots...and he scores."
•"It's my favorite sport. Why?" (Looks off camera for line.) "Because it's very exciting." (Makes layup on 6-foot basket.)
•Noah lists for us the equipment needed to play basketball. I would have thought this was obvious, but I never would have thought to include "socks."
•He cruelly plays keep-away from his sister, for at least 30 seconds past the point of awkwardness, in the name of showing us how to dribble.
•Noah wants to show us how to dunk, but warns us that he might be unable because he's "not so tall." He tries anyway, and fails.
•There's a freaking outtake reel at the end of the video!

Coach Noah leaves us with the words of Michael Jordan, but I'd like to leave you with the words of Noah Chang:

He looks...he shoots...and he scores."

Kids. Very small children enjoy the YouTube a lot more than you may be aware of, and I'm not lying when I tell you that the only videos they enjoy are the fucking weirdest and most annoying ones. We have one desktop computer in our house. At least three times a day, my kid will climb up on the office chair and just start surfing away, watching completely random shit for as long as she can. This annoys me, because A) I have shit to do on that machine. Hey kid, you already colonized the TV. Leave the fucking computer to Mr. Breadwinner. And B) Because the stuff she clicks is so harrowing to both watch and/or listen to.

In a child's hands, YouTube is like a long hallway, with doors leading to ever stranger and more inexplicable places. You click on a Wiggles video, you find a link to a homemade video of an animated dinosaur lighting his own farts, which leads you to a link to a crude drawing of a volcanic ass, which leads you to news footage of Mount St. Helen's blowing up, which leads you to a clip of Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker" dubbed in Korean. It's like Six Degrees Of Fuckedupness. And when I beg my kid to watch something relatively normal, like a Cookie Monster clip, she immediately clicks away to something awful. Here are some of the things you might find if you leave the surfing to a kid who doesn't know any better:

FUCKED UP EUROTRASH CARTOON ARTISTS

This is the Gummi Bear song. Unfamiliar with it? Well, just take one listen. After that, this horrible anthem will bore directly into your cerebellum and nest there for eternity. "Oh I'm a gummi bear. Yes, I'm a gummi bear! Oh, I'm a yummy chummy funny looking gummi bear!" DIE, gummi bear. I never thought I'd pine for the relatively mature beats of Crazy Frog. I now have a reflex in me where, if I see a bag of Haribo in a store shelf, I grab it, throw it on the ground, and stomp the shit out of it.

LARGE-GUMMED WOMEN MAKING AMATEUR NURSERY RHYME VIDEOS

This woman's name is Cullen, and she has produced dozens of creepy videos where she stares at the camera with her big Baba Booey gums, and waves and sings songs DIRECTLY TO YOUR KID. It's fucking creepy as shit, mostly because my kid seems to enjoy it. Listen lady, don't you have real kids somewhere that you can sing to? Are you barren? Do you really have to expand your empire digitally? It's like I'm stuck at Gymboree with the world's most annoying instructor.

LAZILY PRODUCED EDUCATIONAL VIDEOS

This is Puppy Dog. Even his name is lazy. And for the next five interminable minutes, this big shithead in a dog suit will talk to your child as if they're legally brain dead. "Hello! Hi! Hi! I'm puppy dog! Let us play!" Holy shit. These are children you're talking to, Dog. Not fellow dogs. To give you an idea of how poorly written these videos are, I transcribed the lyrics to one of the songs. This one is done to the tune of "When The Saints Come Marching In"

The train is yellow
The train is yellow
The train is yellow yellow yellow yellow
Oh yes the train is yellow
The train is yellow yellow yellow yellow

THAT IS A FUCKING HORSESHIT EFFORT, PUPPY DOG. Mix up your lyrics, or I will put arsenic on your Beggin' Strips. When you have kids, you quickly figure out which children's programming is well thought out, and which is written by six monkeys locked in a room with typewriters. This is the blurst of clips, I tell you.

SLIDESHOWS OF RANDOM VEHICLES SCORED BY A TERRIBLE LOCAL ROCK BAND

Complete with star wipes!

HOMEMADE NURSERY RHYME CARTOONS FROM UNKNOWN FOREIGN COUNTRIES

Eighty percent of the homemade videos your kid stumbles on will not come from America. Like this one. Where was it made? China? India? I can't spot the accent, it's that fucking weird. The nursery rhyme "Ding Dong Bell" is strange enough on its own without a pidgin interpretation.

Ding dong bell
Pussy's in the well
Who put her in?
Little Johnny Thin.
Who pulled her out?
Little Tommy Stout.
What a naughty boy was that
To drown a pussycat

The way these rhymes go, it's stunning to me that the fat kid doesn't eat the cat at the end. Would it shock you to know the comments for this video include such tidbits as…

O M G ! S O s o r r y ! I ' m j u s t t o o s c a r e d ! O k . . . . T h e r e w a s a l a d y w h o w a s w a l k i n g i n t h e f o r e s t w i t h h e r d o g a n d w a s k i l l e d . I f u r r e a d i n g t h i s , t h e n u w i l l f i n d a d e a d b l o o d y b o d y h a n g i n g i n u r c l o s e t . U w i l l b e h a u n t e d a n d k i l l e d b y h e r . t o s t o p i t˛ˇ p o s t i t h i s t o 6 o t h e r v i d e o s i n 3 0 G O O D L U C K

So yeah. Pussies in wells, homicidal skinny kids, and dead bodies in closets. Your kid is better off watching a George Romero film. But these videos get even creepier as they drift into pseudo-anime territory. Like this one.

"Allow me to interdoooce myself! I'm your friendly neighborhood Rhyme Man! And say hello to Rhyma! And Rhymey!" Nearly four million people have watched this video. All of them will have night terrors for the next three decades. CLAP YOUR HANDS! CLAP YOUR HANDS! LISTEN TO THE MUSIC AND CLAP YOUR HANDS, OR WE WILL SLIT YOUR LITTLE THROAT.

NAUGHTY TALKING BABY SONGS

These videos are produced by a company named FlowGo, whose headquarters I hope burn to the ground in an enormous gas leak explosion. There are thousands of these things out there. And while I love a good fart joke, they lose their charm when spoken by a creepy talking baby with a sped-up Alvin and Chipmunks voice effect. This is why the E-Trade baby needs to be beheaded.

OCCASIONALLY WELL-CRAFTED SONGS EVERYONE CAN ENJOY

Wait, what's this? Say, this isn't awful! Oh, thank you, Mr. Rhino. Thank you so very much. You are a welcome oasis in a giant pool of suck.

The first is the "bat trick" of Long Beach Armada outfielder Josh Womack doing ... something ... with his bat. The odd thing about this one is that it's been online for over a month and there's a different video of him doing the same thing from over a year ago, yet this week is when it somehow decided to take off. That's the internet for you. Perhaps, it's the cameo appearance by Jose Lima that puts this one over the top?

The other is from an eight-grader named Aaron Shutway, who does a complete forward flip with a basketball over his head, chucks the basketball three-quarters of the way down the court, and hits nothing but net. When I was about that same age, my friend Tim and I spent a whole afternoon practicing full-court shots in our school gym and I know we must have actually made one or two crazy shot, but we did not have a video camera. We also did not have girlfriends.

As with any great accomplishment of the YouTube age, there are doubters. Why does the basketball leave the view of the camera? What's up with the shadows at Womack's feet? How did everyone in the gym know to look up at precisely the right time? That has to be sped up ... or slowed down ... or required 55 takes. FAKE!!!

Or, getting back to my original thesis, can anyone do it? I feel like if I had more space in my living room—and maybe a wiffleball bat—I too could perfect Josh Womack's miracle swing. But I'm just a hater. Or jealous LOL! I need to find my own unique, yet useless talent and then I can be on the Today Show too! And maybe get a book deal! Or meet Miss California. (No, the original one.)

But I won't try anything that involves flipping myself or objects, because that's been done to death.

Aaron Shutway makes a crazy basket!!!! [YouTube]
Josh Womack's crazy bat skills at Long Beach Armada 2009 Training Camp [YouTube]

Sunday afternoon is devoted to Busted Coverage, apparently. The BC showed the initiative to reach out to the mysterious "Ampex 2000", author of the last four Berman videos that emerged online. Turns out the poster "was" in broadcasting for a few years.

Have you been holding the Berman vids since 2000? If so, why?

I saw the one that someone released that was a huge hit. I thought I was given the only copy years ago. At that point I said what the heck let's see how many hits can we get with the other ones. After all few see what some of these announcers are like and this is a perfect representation of what Chris is really like!

But, still, if the guy "was" in broadcasting, why no true identity? I'm still curious as to why these videos suddenly started surfacing recently.

Chris Berman YouTube Poster Talks to Busted Coverage [BC]

You may remember YouTube sensation Kige Ramsey's feral enthusiasm in this take on the Cincinnati Bengals. Kige is back, and good news: The lighting for his video has improved. Because he's in Wal-Mart. Talking about Michelle Wie. For YouTube.

Of course he is.

Kige outdid himself this time... [Sons of Sam Malone]

The past two days have been so much fun that they've reminded me of nothing if not... groin shots. One long string of groin shots. Now, I know this "too-hot-for-TV" beer ad has made the rounds, but — just like the genre was at the Springfield Film Festival — you simply can't get enough of it. I figured while you're waiting for Sopranos (or, OK if you insist, the NBA Finals), it'll give you something to occupy your time.

Thanks to Will for the chance to pinch-hit this weekend (and to MJD for taking a weekend off — though I look forward to his return next weekend with a renewed appreciation for his abilities). Mostly, thanks to the combination of tipsters, Commenters and readers who made the weekend one of the most enjoyable (if pressure-packed) I have experienced in a long time.

Hope to catch you at DanShanoff.com, where you can find much of this same type of shallow analysis I've given you all weekend on a daily morning basis. Otherwise, enjoy your evenings, and I'll catch you at my place (or at Deadspin in the Comments sections) sometime soon.
— D.S.

So a rockin' sports Saturday morphed into a pretty lazy sports Sunday that was redeemed only recently by an excellent Spurs/Suns game that featured over 215 points and several gallons of Steve Nash's blood. The Spurs did hang on to take Game One.

In case you missed tonight's line-up in "To Watch Tonight," it's a nearly barren Sunday sports evening. Thank goodness for people who make YouTube videos about Mario getting strung out on mushrooms and mistreating his princess.

If I did ever happen to find myself in a fight with Jimmy, he couldn't do anything to me worse than subject me to this woman's profane shrieking. Please, dude, can you stop whaling on Jimmy for a second, and Marty McSorley this broad?

This hockey mom is ANGRY [We Are The Postmen]
Hockey mom loses her cool [YouTube]

According to Sports by Brooks, this will be running at some point today on the NFL Network, which means that many of you will only see it here because you can't turn away from the intense beefcake appeal of Chris Berman. So enjoy it here.

I'm honestly wondering what would happen if a guy followed his advice for the 40, and took a zig-zag pattern. If I was a GM, I'd consider it a sign of character.

Will Ferrell as USC Strength Coach Sneak Preview [Sports by Brooks]
Will Ferrell As USC Strength Coach "Chuck Berry" [YouTube]

UFC fights don't traditionally get a ton of attention here on Deadspin, and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. Sorry. But I do think you'll enjoy this video of one huge man kicking another huge man really hard in the ear.

Note: You will become annoyed with Joe Rogan harping about the one guy's leg. But stick with it, eventually you'll be rewarded with the sight of a disfigured ankle.

UFC 70: Gabriel Gonzaga Knocks Out Mirko Cro Cop [FanHouse]
UFC 70 - Mirko CROCOP Gets KO'D By Gabriel GONZAGA - FULL KO [YouTube]

I'm not sure exactly what sport this is (I can find no evidence of a Shirtless Snow-Diving Jackass League), but it was under the category of sports on YouTube. Maybe there's a winter roof-diving subdivision of gymnastics. The flip is textbook, though I'm not sure he really stuck the landing.

It's like the guy who swam the Amazon, I guess. Just because I don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile.

no shirt [YouTube]

With the NCAA tournament gone, and CBS putting Billy Packer back in his cryogenic chamber for 11 months, I thought we were entitled to some commentators with more of a sense of joy.

I'm at a total loss to explain why this makes me laugh. I can't imagine why that happened, or why someone thought this was a good idea ... but they had a vision, they trusted it, and we're all winners here. I'm not sure I'd have been so brave.

2007 Fiesta Bowl [YouTube]

But it gets better. The law professor counterpetitioned — and we're sorry Deadspin is using the word "counterpetition" today — YouTube, saying the clip fell under fair use, and YouTube agreed, in a rare moment of being reasonable in these matters. The NFL, being the NFL again, demanded that the video (a copyright notification video, we might add) be taken down, which, as it turns out, was actually illegal.

We don't understand the law of these matters, but we do enjoy watching the NFL run around in circles. We want someone to post a video of an NFL lawyer filing a counterpetition and put it on YouTube, just to make our heads explode.

Is The NFL Abusing Copyright Law? [The Fanhouse]

This isn't new, but with the upcoming onslaught of ESPN tournament coverage, I thought it might be helpful to revisit some of the masturbatory habits of your favorite ESPN analysts. Majerus likes Ashley Judd, and in the absence of Ashley Judd, likes hotel room porno.

Because I, unlike Lewis Black, have the ability to hear that and not actually picture it happening, I can appreciate the coach's candor. But that has to be as far as it goes. You let Majerus get away with that, and the next thing you know, Dick Vitale's talking about the dipsy-doo dunkaroo he'd like to pull off with a Hooters waitress.

Rick Majerus [YouTube]

West Virginia isn't likely to hear their name called during this evening's NCAA Selection Show, so to cushion the blow, I thought we could check in with former Mountaineer stars Mike Gansey and Patrick Beilein and see what they're up to these days.

As it turns out, they spend their time walking through dark gyms and having jumpshooting contests for five West Virginia Lottery scratch-off tickets, and getting served by referees who shoot from their chest. I guess the West Virginia lottery people couldn't afford Kevin Pittsnogle.

I sincerely hope this is the last West Virginia-themed post of the weekend.

WV Lottery - Pat Beilein and Mike Gansey [YouTube]

You may hate soccer ... I know this. Still, I promise that these will be six enjoyable minutes internet minutes.

It's the 20 best goal celebrations of all-time, and there's brilliance in here. Robbie Fowler snorting the touch line, Ruud van Nistlerooy getting some poetic justice, and some guy going apeshit and kicking the hell out of the advertising boards (not a paid adidas endorser, I'm guessing). And whoever put this together made some inspired soundtrack choices.

Great Goal Celebrations [The Offside]

What better way to spend a weekend than getting some cheap laughs at the expense of a child? The Postmen dug up this YouTube clip of an unlucky youngster who had a very rough few seconds. The second bounce that him in the face... that was just unnecessary, God.

Weekend Fun: We leave you with this [The Postmen]
owned [YouTube]

I really went back and forth on whether or not I should post this. If it was any more explicit, I wouldn't have. You can't see any ding-dong here. There are four of these clips (be sure to check out Tim rubbing lotion on his ass in clip #2) on YouTube, and why they exist or how they got there, I haven't the foggiest idea. I just thought I'd pass it along.

It does call into doubt Will's headline from earlier this week, though: "Tim Hardaway Wants Only Straight Men To See His Penis." I think deep down, whether he can admit it or not... Tim Hardaway wants everyone to see his penis.

Tim Hardaway Naked In The Locker Room - (3 of 4) [YouTube]