Why Deadspin Sucks, By NFL Free Agent Chris KluweS

Some people are fans of the website Deadspin. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the website Deadspin. This 2013 website preview is for those in the latter group. You can read last year's preview here.

Your website: Deadspin (a subsidiary of the Gawker network [a subsidiary of Denton's crazed ego])

Your 2012 record: +1. This is a website that torments you with the possibility that today might just be the day you get to see a Snapchat photo of an athlete's flaccid penis, news of a massive hoax involving a dead (?) girlfriend (??), or an in-depth takedown of the corruption endemic to the NCAA, but deep in your heart you know that 99 percent of the time it's just gonna be pictures of someone reading a book at a Royals game, or maybe a poorly animated GIF of some highlight you already saw a billion times last night on ESPN. But hey, at least they raised a couple hundred grand for their new office/crack videos, right? We all saw how that one worked out. Beaten by Canadians. DON'T WORRY, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR GUYS.

Your head contributor: Frothing rageaholic and confessed child abuser Drew Magary. Here is Drew's thinking face, and that literally tells you all you need to know about the direction this site is headed.

Fun story: I met Drew Magary for drinks once, and he ordered some sort of ridiculous-looking concoction that made the bartender visibly roll his eyes. Ten minutes later, after an inordinate amount of swearing from behind the bar, a murky fluid garnished with sugar and a lemon peel arrived in a glass the size of Daulerio's scruples. Drew took tiny sips of whatever the fuck it was he ordered, with his pinky extended like he was brunching with the Queen of England. I'm pretty sure he was drinking liquefied baby capuchin monkey brains. Then he started blathering about getting high with Snoop Dogg. The man is clearly delusional.

Your editor: Tommy Craggs, a man who will post anything that arrives in his inbox. I honestly don't think Tommy Craggs even exists. He's probably some NSA program that got its programming mixed up, and instead of reading horseshit emails and archiving them for spook fapping purposes, he throws them onto the live site with a random name attached. What is BIG INTERNET trying to hide, Denton? THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW.

Your two weekly articles everyone will hate: Feedbag/Funbag. Oh look, I get to read stupid questions from stupid people who stupid the stupid fucking fuckfuck hooray user-generated content. Daddy Denton don't have to pay for that; more money for Thai boyhookers! You want to know why you don't know how to cook and/or properly hump a moose? BECAUSE YOU DON'T TAKE ANY TIME TO PRACTICE, AND THIS IS A GODDAMN SPORTS WEBSITE.

Here's a hint: If you want to know something, there's this handy tool called "Google." We live in the fucking Information Age, and you turdwaffles are asking how to make a grilled cheese sandwich, or how to self-douche a vodka-rum enema, or whatever the hell idiotic thing kids are doing these days. The time spent printing those answers is time CraggsBot could have spent linking to an article by Hamilton Nolan that's actually worth reading. Instead, I have to suffer through Burneko chopping up emails into barely recognizable sentence fragments like a shitty 4chan comment thread, and then posting pictures of his horribly disfigured body when he screws something up in the kitchen. If I wanted to watch idiots maim themselves, I'd turn on the NFL.

Why your website sucks: Well, in addition to the many reasons listed above, Deadspin also has the unfortunate gall to cross-link random Jezebel posts in the mistaken assumption that posting something from there will instill in me some sort of empathy toward women. I'M HERE FOR THE SWEATY DUDES TOUCHING EACH OTHER, NOT THE ANGRY FEMINISM DUE TO MILLENNIA OF SYSTEMIC MISTREATMENT. I mean, fuck, if I wanted to hear women yell, I'd load up RedTube and search "hot+slampieces+loud."

Deadspin used to be about awesome stories that you couldn't find elsewhere in sports media, but now it's all sponsored posts and massive ad placements and blog posts from underpaid editorial assistants who secretly would rather work in snuff porn than post another ridiculous stock photo and annotate it in the hopes of driving pageviews. This site had HISTORY. It had RESPECT. Nowadays, it's trying to match all the other gloreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sites and buy itself a championship right next to ESPN and PFT, all to chug down those sweet, sweet advertising dollars. The sports gods are not happy.

Also: Kinja. Since last year's WYWS, Kinja has undergone approximately 736 different layout configurations and currently requires a functioning, self-inserted catheter in order to submit a post. There are nuclear physicists who cannot figure out the latest Kinja protocols—rest assured, though, as soon as they do finally figure out how to post, it'll change again in two months. Probably to a series of fart noises run through Babelfish. Whoever designed Kinja is worse than Stalin and Hitler's lovebaby.

Why your website doesn't suck: It keeps Magary from roaming the streets and assaulting old ladies. You can't put a price on that kind of security. Also, like a tiny diamond in a mountain of steaming turds, there's occasionally a good piece here.

The seven worst Deadspinners ever:

1. Will Leitch. NO ONE LIKES YOUR MOVIE REVIEWS.

2. Raysism. This guy has a serious problem. Waaaaaay too interested in punters.

3. New Delhi Festival, 2003

4. Iron Mike Gallego. Boxing's dead. Get over it.

5. Meatspin/necro crossovers

6. A. J. Daulerio

7. Katrina

Emails from Deadspin fans:

Justin:

Choke on 2 cocks and die fuckboy
Sent from my iPhone

Tom:

You are an asshole drew and somebody told you that you could write.
Why don’t you climb back into you pig sty and give it up.

Jeff:

You allude a lot to the 4th and 5 in Denver and Bailey mysteriously playing loose and not press and the uncalled holding and you forgot the helmet to helmet contact that was uncalled by Baltimore on the last drive because through this attempted satire you know all this is true. What you satirically say about Lewis is true. Why is what you say satirically being said all over outside Baltimore? Everyone is wrong.

Let's see a coward like you joke about lewis' victims to their families and say how great Lewis is to their faces you shit eating cowardly pussy.

Ivan:

You guys have the most lame articles, I mean really ranting and raving about weather the fact the REDSKINS should have a name change. Honestly no gives a shit about points or views that you guys have about the REDSKINS as a whole!!! Unfortunately the name, team and fans are going to be around for a very long time so how about you guys talk or attempt to produce more interesting; pressing issues then the fucking REDSKINS!!!

(Note: That was the email's subject line; the rest of the message was blank.)


Chris Kluwe spent eight years as the Vikings punter before signing with the Raiders in the offseason. He was cut on Sunday. Go read his book, Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities. He's @ChrisWarcraft on Twitter.

Got more reasons Deadspin sucks? Tell us in the comments below.